Love Life with Matthew Hussey - How to Share Insecurities (Without Pushing Them Away) | Rewind

Episode Date: January 30, 2026

Have you ever had an insecurity, a jealousy, or something that hurt you or made you feel threatened, but you didn’t know the right way to bring it up? Of course you have. We all have. Maybe you’re feeling that right now. It can be terrifying, can’t it?Well, here’s the good news . . . being vulnerable can actually create a deeper bond with someone, as well as reveal if they’re the right person for you in the first place. The bad news is that if we’re not careful, constructive vulnerability can mutate into what I call “dumping.”This episode will reveal what you can do if you’re worried you’ve fallen into this trap, or are about to . . .---►► Every Friday, Matthew Hussey writes a personal letter to help you strengthen the three most important relationships in your life—with others, with yourself, and with life itself. Sign up for free at TheThreeRelationships.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, it's Matthew Hussie with the Love Life podcast. Thank you so much for being here. I think you're going to enjoy this clip. It's a classic from the archives. Check it out. And don't forget, if you can leave us a review on iTunes, it would mean the world. It helps us spread the word about this podcast. All right. Let's get into the episode. Are your insecurities jeopardizing a potentially good relationship? Now, this came out of a video that we just released in the last week. where I talked about people who bring, you know, we want to be with a partner. You were talking about red flags, right? It was all about red flags.

Which is a hot topic on the internet right now. People are posting all those memes. What's a red flag? What's a warning sign? People are really looking out for those flags right now. And we said, you know, one of the red flags is when we're in a relationship with somebody or we're seeing somebody who, when we bring something up that is making us unhappy, they make us feel ashamed of it or they make us feel embarrassed.

for even saying it or they suddenly make us feel like we're not secure in the relationship because we've now brought this up. And the fear of that is of course what stops us bringing things up. We get very afraid if I bring this thing up, am I going to lose my power? And as I was watching that video back in the last couple of days, I thought to myself, if I wanted to critique this video, if I was looking to say, well, actually what Matthew Hussey's saying here is quite dangerous. Here's what I'd say. I'd say, yeah, but what about when you're with someone

who keeps bringing this thing up that they're insecure about over and over again? And what they're bringing up isn't valid. What they're bringing up is, you know, for example, rooted in a jealousy that's not rational. And they keep making my life hell over it. Is it really incumbent on me to continue to placate them, to continue to understand or show compassion? At a certain point, isn't it on them to stop bringing this to me because it's not a fair thing to bring to me? Right. And there are plenty of examples of this.

You could have the example of, you know, a guy or a woman getting jealous when their partner goes out with their friends. and maybe it has nothing to do with whether that person's doing anything wrong is just that they have insecurity around that. Or maybe it's to do with our partner working and we get insecure that they're not contacting us enough when they're working or that they're not, you know, our, we're not being reassured that they're still thinking about us. We feel like we're with someone who works very hard

and we would like to be texting during the day and hearing from them. We're not hearing from them. It might be... I'm quite a bad during the day, texter. Right. Now, again, we fall into the situation where in a relationship, someone could call you out and say,

I need that more from you. And you can say, but that's not me. So if someone kept bringing that up with you, at what point should they change versus you be understanding about it? So we have lots of different scenarios that this can take place in. but I'd love to talk kind of from both points of you. When you're with someone who keeps bringing up something that is unreasonable or that you think is unreasonable,

at what point do you say, it's no longer on me to be understanding. You keep bringing up the same thing, which is unfounded or unfair or to do with your demons, not mine. I suppose in a way, what we're asking is, is there a point where too much vulnerability can occur? Is there a point where vulnerability gets worn out? Yeah.

I mean, and that's, it's tricky, right? Because you want to, people see the idea of a relationship as I can say what I really feel. And maybe I do feel insecure a lot. And that's, that's the truth of what I'm feeling right now. but you also know every time like you say if your default mode is i feel insecure i feel threatened you know that eventually will push someone away they will be exhausted by that and so is the answer that you look for someone as secure or insecure as you or is it on you to suck it up a bit and say I've got to figure this shit out because this can't be nice for someone to always hear that I am

feeling threatened or feeling, you know, they didn't text me for half an hour and I feel abandoned and scared. And who's the onus on here? Because like you say, the vulnerability thing has been very emphasized and has probably been good to that where it's been emphasized in the culture more. but when does vulnerability become like, you are just smothering me with your stuff, and I don't need to deal with that all the time? Well, I think that we have to start from the place of saying what a lot of people call vulnerability is not vulnerability.

In other words, if I said to you, Steve, you don't text enough, and, you know, it's because you're not thinking of me and because you are, you know, everything else is more important than me. And, and, you know, it's really hard to be in a relationship with someone who just isn't communicative. That's not vulnerability. What I've really done there is made you wrong about a lot of stuff. I've judged your level of communication.

I've made an assertion, a statement that I'm not. important to you and everything else in your life is more important to you right you've interpreted all my actions negatively and judged you exactly and done it from an angry place with a tone this is not vulnerability underneath all of that is vulnerability but this is not vulnerability this is brandishing our weapons this is i brought my weapons out here i brought my weapons to the party. I didn't bring my my wounds to the party. I didn't bring my vulnerability because vulnerability would be actually telling you what I was feeling how how I was feeling not necessarily judging you for your actions but explaining how I'm feeling and what I'm scared about or what's making me

sad. In other words, vulnerability is about us. It's not about judging somebody else. Yeah. But let's, that, you know, we have all sorts of programs that can help people with that. But let's just step out for a moment. Let's say someone is bringing it in a vulnerable way. Let's say someone is coming to you and saying, this is how it's making me feel and, you know, I'm struggling.

I'm sad. I'm upset. Yeah. They're just, they're being honest about insecure. Yeah, let's say they are doing that. Well, there's still potentially a point at which that starts to wear thin. There's vulnerability and there's dumping. Vulnerability becomes dumping when we restate the same vulnerability over and over and over and over again without actually doing anything about it. So I don't just tell you, I'm not feeling sexy right now.

I'm just going through a bit of a phase where I don't feel sexy. it's telling you that five times a day and expecting you to make me feel better every single time I say it. Now I'm not taking responsibility for my feelings. I'm making you responsible for my feelings. I'm saying it's your job to make me feel better every time I feel bad. That's no longer vulnerability. That's abdicating responsibility. I'm dumping my responsibility for how I feel onto you.

Yep. And that's what starts to hurt relationships. Look, you raised an important point. Should we just find someone who kind of is the same as us in some way? Like their same level of confidence or lack of confidence. Right. By the way, that doesn't really save us. All that means is we're both going to be complaining to each other about the same things all the time.

it doesn't save us from having to deal with these issues. It just means I'm going to be bringing you a lot of these issues and you're going to be bringing me a lot of these issues. That doesn't cancel each other. They don't cancel each other out where you go, oh, well, we're both super insecure about this, so neither of us suffer. No, what it means is we're in a situation where both of us,

you know, if it's jealousy, for example, it just means we're now in a relationship where both of us get really jealous all the time. Or we're both scared of the other's going to dump us. Exactly. So that doesn't that doesn't solve the problem. What I believe is not that we have to find someone who is, you know, you have to find out someone who's chilled out in all the ways you're chilled out,

you know, find someone with all the same confidence as you. Of course that helps. Being with someone who has lots and lots of issues about lots of different things is more work. than somebody who's figured out a lot already in their own personal growth. It's just more comfortable in themselves. Exactly. But there's always in a relationship going to be things that come up. And I'm a big believer in something coming up is important.

When something comes up, the moment somebody expresses a vulnerability about something they're insecure about, something that's affected them, something that's worrying them. That can actually be a really beautiful moment, especially early on in a relationship, because it builds trust. Because what you're saying is, hey, I'm making,

I'm sort of, I'm showing my neck first. You know what I mean? Like, I'm showing you that I can, I trust you with these feelings. And when I do that, it's like laying my weapons down.

I'm inviting you to do the same. Yeah. So that, That not only breeds trust, it gives you a license to show your vulnerability. And by the way, some people have been burnt doing that, which is why some people will be listening to this going, I've said it before and someone's shown they're really turned off by my insecurity. Well, listen, that's why it's called vulnerability.

It's not vulnerability if you don't expose yourself. In boxing, every time you throw, you can't throw a punch in boxing without opening yourself up to a punch. This is very important. You cannot throw a punch without opening yourself up to, because if you stand there with your guard up all the time, then you're protected, but then you can't win.

Like, you're not boxing. Any time you throw a punch, you expose yourself. You're making yourself vulnerable. Right? The same is true in a relationship. Any time you show of vulnerability, you are honest about, your feelings, you are honest about who you are, you're exposing yourself.

But some people, specifically, even men, might be like, I'm not doing that shit because I know what happens. If I, if I go and expose like something I'm feeling and it gets rejected, that's a turn off for them. I've started a chain of events where they're going to get less attracted. I'm on the back foot. Why would I even bother exposing myself? Why would I even bother being honest. I think this is a really important subject to talk about with men in general because it is true. Men are told to be vulnerable and, you know, I'm a, I'm a big fan of Brunay Brown and her work. But I think that it's, it's, it's, it's a, there's an extra hurdle for men to overcome in, in that work that I am being told that being vulnerable is a good thing. But I also am,

I live in a world where sometimes I feel like being vulnerable is actually the opposite of what a woman wants. That if I am vulnerable, she's going to find me less manly, less attractive, less in control, less bold, less confident. And she's going to suddenly, I've devalued myself in relation to other men who seem infallible. Yeah. And he might be this confident guy in loads of areas, but he's like, I show chink in the armour. I show a weakness here, it's going to get pounced on. Now, the truth is, what that means is, if someone pounces on your weakness in that way, again, providing that weakness isn't your go-to every day.

That's what we'll come on to. But if you show vulnerability, which is not the same as even, it doesn't necessarily mean showing weakness. It's just being honest about times where you don't feel, you know, as secure or when you're feeling something that has hurt you or when you're feeling sad, you're struggling.

If you show that to someone and they pounce or they leverage that against you, then you're not with an emotionally mature person in a relationship. You're not with an emotionally mature woman in a relationship. You kind of, even as a man, you have to say that's a big red flag. If the first time I'd show that I'm not, you know, this perfect superhero of a human being, this person can't handle that, then I'm with someone who's looking for a kind of man that doesn't exist. And there's a reflection on their lack of maturity and their lack of evolution

because they've not actually understood. They still don't understand men. So let that person go and continue to look for someone who doesn't exist. This is not someone I want to be in a relationship with. But for men and women alike, repeating a vulnerability over and over and over again, is what I think is, I suppose, the crux of what I want to get to with this episode. Repeating a vulnerability over time whilst not taking responsibility for improving it, that to me is what harms a relationship.

Initial vulnerability improves the right relationship. repeated vulnerability over time with no progress, no movement can damage a good relationship. If you take the example, I don't know, of someone who does get jealous, but they get jealous over irrational things. It's not that you're expecting that that person's going to work that out and then one day they're never going to be jealous again. That's unrealistic. And in a way, you know, the right relationship,

we should be more compassionate and understanding towards our partner. We shouldn't expect them to just, whatever is the issue, they've just worked out completely and it never returns. That's not a realistic thing to expect of someone. But in a team, and a relationship is a team of two people, in a team, you want to see your partner trying.

You want to see movement. That this thing, that, you know, you keep getting jealous of this time. Oh, but this time you wanted to get jealous. And I saw that, I saw that you actually decided to...

To try a different approach. Yeah, you tried a different approach. You didn't bring me that this time. I can see you trying. And trying might be, I'm out with my friends, and I know you're the you get jealous so I'm going to shoot you a message in the middle of the night to tell you I'm thinking of you or I'm going to you know let you know how my night's going

because I just know that that will put you at ease. That's my trying. Your trying is that you don't make me feel like I'm doing something wrong simply for spending time with friends or spending time away from you. Yeah. It doesn't mean you'll never get jealous again. but it means I can see you trying. That to me builds relationships.

Yeah. And what we have to ask ourselves, if you're in a relationship with someone who keeps bringing, they're dumping, they're no longer being vulnerable, they're dumping. They keep bringing you the same thing over and over and over again with no progress.

You have to start having a different standard for the progress you accept. You have to remind someone that this isn't about them being perfect. Imperfect progress is still progress. but if there's no progress, then we have an issue because now you're not being a good teammate to me. And if you're the person who's dumping, and if when you're honest with yourself,

you say, you know what, I'm no longer being vulnerable, I'm dumping, I keep bringing them the same thing over and over and over again and with no different approach, with no evolution. It doesn't mean we'll never argue about it, but are the arguments getting a lot more sophisticated? Are they an argument where it has the echoes of the old issue, but there's movement? Yeah. If I'm not having a different kind of argument about this, if it's always the same one, then I'm not taking responsibility for that movement.

And I am going to eventually harm the relationship. It is going to, over time, hurt the relationship if I don't improve this. I am, and this is a very important point, ladies and gentlemen out there. When you feel something as a reflex response, our feelings, Steve, I'm a big believer. We don't choose our feelings. When you feel some, if you, if I say something right now and you feel something, you didn't choose that feeling, did you?

No. You just felt it. Yeah. It was an immediate feeling you had as a result of something I said. We don't choose our feelings, but we are responsible for what we do with them. Yeah. It's almost like that Daniel Oka-Hanaman thing of system one brain, system-two brain. System one is the animal reactive thing.

And then system two is the longer thinking. Yes. And if you say, none of us are responsible for our reflex feelings. But if you abdicate responsibility for them by dumping them on somebody else the whole time, instead of improving your response to those feelings, you're not being a good team player. you're not being a good partner because you're choosing no progress over imperfect progress and sooner or later our partner is going to look at the kind of teammate they have yeah and say i i don't

know if this is the kind of teammate that i want in my life and good partners are not dumb they you know if it's a good partner you have who is mature people do tend to judge on the averages of things that's right they don't always judge on single isolated incidents they notice the average averages of your behavior. Which is why, you know, Anne Lamott, a writer I love, she, she wrote, all truth is paradox. In other words, for every truth, there's a counter-truth. Is it true that being vulnerable should improve the right relationship?

Yes. Is it also true that if you're just vulnerable in a relationship, but without improvement ever, that can harm your relationship? Yes. both things can be true but what we're looking for is to say I want a relationship where I can be vulnerable without thinking that me being vulnerable the wrong way once

is going to make them dump me but I also want to make sure that the average of my actions over time paints a picture of someone who's good to be in a relationship with thank you so much for listening to the episode I hope you enjoyed it. Before you go, make sure that you do this today. I promise you every week you are missing out by not doing what I'm about to say.

I am sending a private email to a group of people who have registered for it every single Friday. The email is called the three relationships and every email is packed with advice on how you can improve one of the three relationships that I believe determine the quality of your life. your relationship with other people, your relationship with yourself, and your relationship with life itself. It's a super valuable email. People really look forward to it. This is not the kind of email that you don't open. It's the kind of email you can't wait to see in your inbox every Friday. Go over to the3 relationships.com to sign up for that email for free and I will see you in your inbox this Friday. Thanks for listening, everyone. I'll see you in the next episode. Be well and love life.