Love Life with Matthew Hussey - How To Survive Your Long Distance Relationship

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

Long distance relationships can feel intoxicating. The late-night calls. The fantasy. The sense that if it weren’t for geography, this could really be something. But when does distance deepen connection—and when does it quietly keep us stuck in something that can’t truly grow? In this episode of the Love Life Podcast, we go deeper than ever on long distance love. We talk about why these connections can feel so powerful, how fantasy can sneak in and blur reality, and the often-overlooked skill of restraint (knowing when not to let yourself fall, even when attraction is there). This episode is about discernment, self-respect, and learning how to protect your heart without closing it off . . . whether the person you’re talking to lives across the world or just across town. -----►► Tired of relationships that go nowhere? Watch my free masterclass, From Casual to Committed, and learn how to stop wasting time on people who aren’t serious: GetCommitment.com ►► For Love Life listeners, Cure is offering 20% off your first order! Stay hydrated and feel your best by visiting curehydration.com/LOVELIFE and using promo code LOVELIFE at checkout. ►► Have a question for the podcast? Email us at [e-mail] and you may just see it featured in the future. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's up, guys, welcome back to the podcast. Today, we do an extended episode on long-distance relationships. We did one of these recently. You guys loved it. You asked for more. So now we are digging deeper into the nuances of what kinds of long-distance relationships you should be invested in and what types you shouldn't. We also talk about a very big thing that's just happened in my life. We'll get to that. And we answer a love lifeline question from somebody who is struggling with the hurt from a relationship she just had and wondering how she can get back out there and date without being guarded. All of this coming up and more, enjoy this brand spanking new episode of the Love Life podcast. Well, hello. Hello, brother. We're back after an eventful

few weeks, possibly the most eventful few weeks of my life, I think. You're a changed man, may I say, You are glowing. And why are you glowing? It's funny you say that, Stephen, because the last conversation, I have a, I have an intimate group of a coaching group, as you know, called Club 320. And after two weeks of being off, I came back. And the first comment that was made by one of them was, you look tired. So the glow, your glowing reference is not, that's not shared by everybody, I have to say.

An internal glow. That's true. And for new listeners, why might you be going? What happened in the last two weeks? Well, for the last nine months, Audrey has been making a baby. And that baby arrived a couple of weeks ago. He did. I came to the hospital in Hollywood.

And our first Hollywood baby. It was very, it was really surreal because our, you know, you don't know what hospital room they're going to give you. You know, they literally will say some of them have a window, some of them don't. It's not quite first come first served because it's like people are just, you know, they're having birth around the clock all day every day, but it's kind of what's available when you arrive. And I just thought, well, you know, it doesn't really matter. I don't hope for the best.

We'll see. It was not the forefront of your mind. Like what sort of room will we get in the hospital or in the middle of like we're about to have a baby? but it turns out they gave us a room that was overlooking the Hollywood Hills and you could see the Hollywood sign in the framing of the window that we were in and I just thought what what a strange life having grown up you know first in in London and then in Essex England to have to be, you know, sat here next to my wife who's giving birth in front of the Hollywood side.

You know, I'm exaggerating slightly, but not really. You know, it was a kind of extraordinary. So that child is now half English, half French, and he's an American because he was born on American soil. Yes. Yeah, weird. I don't know if we're, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the fact that if we stay in America, he will eventually have an American accent.

And I say that as no shade to the American accent. I just, it's a very weird concept to have a child who doesn't sound like you. You know, it'll be a, I don't know, it's very, very strange. Yeah. And so everyone's wondering what are the first two weeks like? And don't worry, everyone, we've got topics today. We won't be so indulgent here. But what are the first two weeks like?

Some people give horror stories, people like to propagandize. is it overwhelming? Is it just fun? Is it a disruption? I mean, I should let Audrey. Audrey should, you know. Your wife's not here so you can say anything you want. I definitely can't.

I, you know, it's been really, really surreal. I didn't know how it would hit me. I suspected as I'm a quite as well, as you know, Stephen, I'm a sensitive human being. Very much so. I'm an emotional human being. But I also don't, you know, I didn't know. I didn't know how quickly I would connect to this experience, to our son.

And you hear stories from men who say, it's quite a regular thing that men say, you know, it took me a while to connect. Some say weeks, some say months, some say, many say, it seems, it's at the moment where the baby starts giving you something back, which I always think is a hilariously, like, sort of, I don't know. It's not good commentary on men, is it? When it's like, I wasn't, I didn't really feel connected until the baby started giving me something. There was a wonderful interview with the most old-fashioned man in the world, Evelyn Waugh, who was a famous English writer. Yeah. From the, you know, a very old generation in Britain. And they asked him about children, his children and he said,

oh, well, I don't have much to do with them when they're young infants, of course, but when they're capable of speech and reason, I associate with them. Yeah. And that was his, awful. I find that awful. I just, I, what could be, like, surely the experience of having a child is like, for the first time, maybe ever, I get, it just is not about me. I get to be in service of another human being. I get to show up for another human being completely unselfishly, like that, holding a child

and looking at them and going, this, my life is no long. Look, many of us, I'm not one of these people. I really take offense to the notion that some people talk about, which is that you can't truly be unselfish until you have a child. Like, ultimately your life is one big selfish adventure until you have a child. I find that an offensive concept. It's offensive to people who cannot have a child. it's offensive to people who have lived lives of responsibility

and shouldered extraordinary challenges and burdens and taken care of elderly parents, taken care of siblings, had extraordinary amounts of pressure in their life and taking care of people. The idea that unless you biologically are raising a child, you don't understand what it is to be unselfish, is I really, really take offense to that idea.

you won't you will not hear in that idea from me but it does strike me that a child is one of those moments in life where you get to enjoy the fact that it isn't about you that it's you get to just look at this thing and say I'm here for you and to suggest that the interesting you know you're not really into it until the child starts giving you a bit of personality is counter to the whole experience that's on a whole offer. So I also they're adorable. He's adorable. Yeah, he already has personnel. Like I feel like he has so he makes people that if my friend of mine John said people don't talk enough about how funny they are. Like they talk about how cute they are, but how funny they are. Like he's so he cracks us up

all the time like little stupid faces and little expressions that it's you know, you project so much onto those expressions that they probably aren't feeling, but they look like they're having all of these very adult emotions from the way they look. And it's been amazing. I have not had any trouble. I was so pleasantly surprised and relieved to find that I connect, I instantly felt this overwhelming sense of love. And I know not everyone feels that. Men and women, by the way, not just men, not everyone feels that. And for all sorts of different reasons that, you know, deserve an incredible amount of compassion. But I was personally very relieved to sort of instantly connect to the whole experience.

And the kind of things that I thought, the things that I've been scared of my whole life, like the kind of the responsibility of, you know, like adding this, huge responsibility to a life where I already felt a lot of responsibility was really, really scary to me. The kind of relentless nature of it was really scary to me. You know, the idea that I looked after friends dogs for a weekend. Oh, good. And by the end of, by like the end of day one, I was like, oh my God, this is nonstop. Like this doesn't, you know, like wherever you are, there's still a pet to be looked after. There's still a dog that needs the next thing it needs.

And, you know, I sort of projected that experience onto the, you know, I was like, imagine then having a child and it never ends. And of course, it does never end. But the thing I didn't anticipate is how much I wouldn't mind. And so my greatest fears were alleviated in that sense. But the big fear is the thing I don't think I saw coming in quite as profound a way as it has is this overwhelmed. love that is exhausting because now I feel vulnerable on a whole. I feel so vulnerable to sort of life and the world.

And there's this little person that now I can't, you know, I have to take them outside at some point and they have to be in the world. And that's, you know, it's sort of terrifying. I'm already like, and this is my anxiety coming out, but I'm already like my heart's breaking for all of the ways it's going to in the future over, you know, getting hurt that he's hurt or worrying about him or whatever and I'm going to have to do a lot of work to manage all. I already have a vision of you and Audrey as quite protective parents.

But I did see you were totally in love the moment I went in the hospital and you even said I missed him when I went to the bathroom and I could see you were like there was a notable shift the day he came even compared to up to the pregnancy. I miss him now. I miss him now. Honestly, one of the hardest parts about this is that I don't I now have to do my life. And I hope that in some ways I hope this part gets, I'm sure it will get easier. But right now, like, I'm two weeks into this experience and I've quote, gone back to work.

But I'm sort of, that's really, really hard. Like I don't, I feel, I feel like I'm missing out right now and that tomorrow he'll be a day older and I, you know, that will keep happening and you keep adding days and I can't reverse it. I can't go back to how he was a week ago. So I'm like, I'm having to dig deep for my why to like do things right now because I want to be spending every minute just sort of staring at this little person. Well, that is wonderful. And I'm very, very happy to be an uncle.

And I love the little guy already. He's absolutely wonderful. So one thing is for sure, you couldn't do long distance with that boy. And that's going to be an awkward segue because we're going to talk about long distance. What you could have done as a segue is, and let's not forget, that the only reason that little boy exists in the first place is because of a long distance relationship. It would have been better. I've been thinking about the holidays and how the end of the year brings up so much around our love lives. You know that moment where you're lying awake, replaying texts, wondering where is this going?

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So we are going to be talking about long distance today. Before we do that, I want to get into some comments from people on some recent episodes, one of them being on long distance. Blue Skies says, I've had nice connections with people I met through social media. Very nice guys. We eventually meet and we realize the distance isn't a problem as I get on well with fellow communicators. It's that in person, the spark just doesn't translate to a relationship. Yeah, I mean, that's one of the difficult things about any, even just meeting someone online, one of the

challenging things is that you can be texting with someone, feel like there's chemistry, and then you meet in person for the first time and feel nothing. Yeah. Don't spend ages online, get to the damn meeting. Yeah, which is harder with long distance. And that's part of the issue. You know, so at the very least, get on FaceTime to see if you feel something through FaceTime in the absence of an in-person meeting. Finding home with Reginine, these are all on YouTube, says, I think it makes a big difference if you met face-to-face first rather than texting and calling after meeting on a dating app. The two of you created a bond meeting organically. Yeah, look, I've always said if you, the problem with online meeting is that, or meeting online,

is that when we meet someone after having met them on a dating app, we're meeting up with them to see if there's chemistry. When we meet someone in the course of our everyday life and then we choose to see them again, we're seeing them again because we already feel chemistry. So you've already kind of shortcut that phase by meeting someone in real life. Psych Wealth said what Matthew said about fits and starts

is powerful. Intermittent affection is the emotional equivalent of variable rewards, the same loop that keeps people addicted. Once you see that, you stop chasing texts and start valuing peace. Yeah, that idea of someone being super affectionate, having an amazing time with you when you see them, which of course, by the way, in long distance,

one of the key kind of hallmarks of a long distance situation, or relationship is that you meet up with someone. You have this honeymoon of a week together or a weekend, and then you're apart. And often people find that the communication then falls off. when they're not with that person anymore. Yeah. But the variable rewards of it was amazing, and I'm living for the next time that it's going to be amazing with them,

is what keeps us in it. It's just a very dangerous thing to stick around for because that slot machine of it being great, like an amazing high sometimes, keeps you addicted while offering you none of the true benefits of a consistent relationship. The Golden Angel says, I was in a happy long distance relationship for about seven years.

We would talk every day, visit every second or third month, spend holidays and all that. Then we finally decided to move in together. It didn't take long before I realized that he was not the person at all that he had been for those seven years. He didn't want to do education, didn't want to work. He just wanted to walk around at home in a robe all day, living off my money and demand fancy clothes and dining. He was never actually the person. I thought he was and that's where it ended. You wanted to be some kind of kept prints.

Yeah. Sauntering around in a robe and demanding fine clothes. Some sort of entitled Big Lobowski. Yeah, is the robe included in the fine clothes? Did you get him like a really fancy robe? Or did he bring the robe? Yeah, maybe that's how he set the precedent. He's like, this is.

It's so tragic and sad. The idea that, you know, you can be, you can talk to someone for seven years and never really know what they're like in their day to their life. if you haven't tested it. Yeah. Someone said here, this was an interesting comment. I took Matt's advice once at a very stressful point in my life. He was stridently telling people to walk away now if a relationship doesn't suit you.

So I did. That video no longer exists. Worst idea ever. It was a long-distance relationship. Five years later, he still lives in my head. I don't know firstly why that video doesn't exist. anymore. I still agree with that advice that you should walk away from a relationship if it doesn't suit you. To me, there's something very dangerous about thinking that you've made a giant mistake

if five years later someone still lives in your head. You know, I've got people, you know, who have lived in my life in my head for years who have wronged me and they live in my head because, you know, I've not, you know, it took me a long time to get over the ways that that person had wronged me. That doesn't mean that that person should. should be my friend. So the idea that someone's still in our head romantically five years later means we made a mistake by walking away, it's actually a bit of a dangerous conclusion to come to. In the world of limerence, that obsessive attraction with someone that we can't let go of, even if that person has never reciprocated in any major way or is wildly incompatible with us,

even if nothing's going to happen, is evidence of the fact that someone can live in our head who is not right for us. We have to be extremely careful with things. that because we still think about someone, that must mean that they were the right person. What it can mean is we've constructed an extremely elaborate fantasy scenario in our mind that makes them into the right person and it becomes a kind of self-inflicted pain. Steven, this one is aimed at you. This person's really taken fire here. Ted Talks Rock says, I like that username, Ted Talks Rock, says, this is very funny because they aren't addressing the

elephant in the room. And Stephen, the elephant in the room has to do with you, which is, Stephen has avoidant written all over him. I think you've publicly said you relate more to. Yeah, they can't credit themselves with a good read on me. I've said that. You've said it. I'm certain long distance feels effing perfect to him. Wow. L.O.L. Long distance is the avoidance playground. Avoidance absolutely love. talks about theoretical possibilities while establishing separate distant lives and planning fun trips but absolutely no real future living in the same location now now this is an interesting part because someone has followed up on that comment whose

name is rejection is protection 4-4-48 who says long-distance relationships run in the hussy family it seems as if there's some sort of conspiracy here as well if that's if they're lumping you in there you and ended up married to your long distance relationship. Yeah, and I can tell you, she's not very long distance anymore. She's next door. Let me say emphatically, it's not a playground. I would much rather my girlfriend be here right now all the time.

I would not choose. Yeah, I'll only see you every couple of months. No, but what she means is, and this is true, it is highly common for avoidance to enjoy long distance relationships because they never actually have to commit. They never actually have to prove that, they're willing to, you know, have a genuine relationship with someone and an intimate relationship with someone. And the implication or the, the assertion here is that I suppose you have no,

you have no desire to actually fix the distance part in your relationship, that this is a sort of elaborate long con. That's very false. We're both doing everything we can to try and figure that out. I know that, Stephen, but Ted Talks Rock doesn't. So I just wanted to clear the air on it. Peace and Love 4620 says, please do a part two of long distance, the subject of long distance. You're welcome. That's what we're doing here today. Slowdown Studio says, great conversation.

We'd love to hear more like this. Also, we want Audrey A.I. Well, maybe one day you'll have Audrey A.I. Maybe. She says a lot of very, very wise things. So I understand the desire for it. let's get on to some thoughts we've been having about long distance because we wanted to elaborate on that episode we did on long distance relationships we had a chat recently on the

podcast about long distance and people really said we asked people do you want a part two and many people said they do it's just always amazed me ever since we've started we started doing dating advice full stop long distance was always a huge topic and that always surprised me but I guess it's just a situation so many people find themselves with is falling in love with someone who isn't in the right place but it makes sense right I mean we're we're how many people meet online these days and one of the ways to expand your options is to just increase the radius that you're willing to meet people within geographically and then sometimes you do that literally on social on on on dating apps you can literally set your radius to a wider field. But it also is just the case that when we're meeting people on social

media or online in forums or groups or wherever it may be, you have no idea where that person is and you spark up a little connection, you have a little moment with someone, there's an initial attraction and you get speaking to someone. And it's almost like spinning the roulette wheel to be like, where's this one going to turn out to be? You know, you have no idea. And there's something exciting about that kind of and there's also something a bit like scary about that because you're like oh god where are this person i'm having a good conversation with where are they going to be and then they tell you you know they're in australia and you're like oh my god this like why and and of course the danger of it is also that it can add to the romance when the moment you go oh my god they're in

Australia. Why? Why does this keep happening to me? And there is something in there's something immediately sort of compelling. Even in a painful way, there's something compelling about the fact that that person is so far away. And all of a sudden we have this very romantic obstacle that, you know, if only it weren't for them being hours away on a different time zone, this could have been it. And you kind of get to say that before. it's ever reasonable. Yeah. To say that.

Yeah. And you, strangely, you get to be a version of yourself that is a bit, in a way, more relaxed or more, like when you've already in your mind gone, oh, this probably can't work. For a lot of us, a more playful, more relaxed version of ourselves comes out. Because it's like, you know, for the same reason, by the way, a lot of people end up in these emotional affairs with married people. people. Why does that happen? Or physical affairs, of course, in some cases, but why does that happen? Because as soon as you hear someone's married, you're like, oh, I can be myself. It's off, there's

nothing can happen here. Yeah. So now all of a sudden, and sometimes that's true for the married person as well, which is, you know, worse and dangerous and all of that. But like, oh, I can be my, nothing's going to happen here. So you start being a bit more goofy. You are much more open and warm. And because it's all with this pretext of nothing can happen. And in a lot of long distance situations, that pretext of, well, it's never going to work out anyway is what counterintuitively and and somewhat tragically for us emotionally actually makes us lean in in a much more authentic way. And then all of a sudden, surprise, surprise, a connection gets built. The thing that, and I know we're going to answer people.

people's questions around this today. We'll read some comments. We'll dig a bit deeper into it. But there is a kind of, there's an idea that I want to introduce here that I want people to consider that I don't think is talked about nearly enough in the world of love and dating. And that is, when is it appropriate? When is it wise to stop yourself from falling in love. There is so much focus on finding love. And there's very little focus on the, on finding love. Mm-hmm. And there's very little focus on the skill of restraint when it comes to seeing a situation in which you could fall. Mm-hmm. You could engage and, and turn this into an emotional connection. and for all of the right reasons, you decide not to.

And I won't go into this in any detail because it wouldn't, you know, it's too personal. It's not that it amounted to anything anyway, but it's just an interesting example. When I was single, I would speak to people who were sort of geographically very spread out. And in a way, there was what made that not just, obviously, social media and online made that possible, but what made it feel not completely unreasonable is that I had a life where I was traveling a lot. You know, you and I, by the nature of the fact that we have family in England and we're here in America, we travel a lot just going back and forth from home. But I was also touring.

And I was in different cities. And it would, you know, there would never, it would never be too long before I was in New York again, even though I didn't live there. Yeah. You know,

if someone happened to be in a different part of America or sometimes even Europe or Australia, it's like, I might actually see you. And so I was, you know, fairly open-minded in, in times in my life where I was like,

like I want to find love. I was fairly open-minded about where that could come from. But I would argue in some ways I was a little too open-minded because what happened was I could get talking to people in all sorts of places that really were like hard to make work. And I remember a time when I started speaking to someone who was in a place where I never went, they never came to where I lived, and it was almost impossible for people from this particular place to get visas for the United States. Add to that, by the way,

that I didn't, it's not like I had the most amazing connection in the world with this person. there was an attraction but beyond that we didn't get on so well add to that this person was a smoker and that wasn't something that appealed to me and you start looking at it and going I have a choice to make here

I can continue to get invested in this and if I do if I give, if I show this situation more love and more investment, I will become more into this person. There's a, there's like a, I don't know if we call that physics or biology, but there's a, there is a, I suppose biology, but there is a biology to that. Like if I just, if I just invest more. The bonding hormones. Yeah, I'm going to, we're going to, of course we're going to find more areas of commonality. Of course, like the fact that this person was a smoker didn't rule. Like, it's not, I don't believe that if I had met the perfect person two streets away in Los Angeles

and they smoked, that there's no way it could have worked. Sure. That person might decide that smoking's not as important to them anymore at this stage in life. They might stop smoking, whatever. So this isn't a commentary on I would never, ever have dated a smoker. Yeah. It's a commentary on the fact that that was one more thing that made us not compatible in a situation where we were already, by sheer dint of where we both lived, wildly incompatible.

And it takes an extraordinary amount of compatibility and will and shared vision. And one person being excited to move. Both people don't need to be excited to move, but one of you has to be excited or willing to move. and on top of excited and willing, able to move, and not locked into a job that keeps them where they are now and will not, at any point in the next 10 or 20 years, offer them any prospects in a different country. And in the case I'm talking about,

capable realistically of getting a visa that would allow them to move, you know, or you being willing to go there. And it had none of those things. If I was being honest with myself then, what I would have said is, This person's lovely. What I'm saying is no commentary on this human being. This person's lovely.

There's so much to offer. But in what is it that is drawing me to this situation in this person right now? There's an attraction. And it's also taking me out of my own painful feelings right now. Because my own painful feelings are that I feel lonely at times. I want to find love and right now it's proving more difficult than I'd hoped I really would love to meet someone but and and you know this person there's at least an attraction and by the way if we were really psychoanalyzing me we might say and on top of that there's

an avoidance streak in me that enjoys the fact that there is a barrier here but you know like I I Why can't I find someone like that that I'm attracted to down the street? What's going on there? Right? So there's that side of it too. But there's nothing wrong with having a situation in which there's an obstacle like long distance. But is the fact that there's an obstacle the most exciting thing about this situation? If I'm really honest with myself, is that the thing that's making this interesting?

because if I remove the obstacle and this person's down the street, am I really saying to myself, this person who there's an attraction with, but we don't, and it's not like we have so much in common, and they're a smoker, and it's not like, do I really think, like,

am I scratching my head going, how, you know, should I keep going with this person or not? Or am I immediately saying probably not right? But because there's distance, I get to focus on the distance as the obstacle instead of the lack of compatibility. Yeah, well, it pushes that issue further down the line

and gives you a reason to keep going and, you know, keep addicted to that person. So is your point that people need more, well, you said about restraint, having some self-awareness of saying, is this worth me throwing my heart out? I've not always done what I'm about to say, but in that situation, I said to myself,

I made a very conscious decision that this isn't a good idea for my heart, their heart, my energy, my goals of, if I'm serious, if I mean it when I say I want to meet someone, then this is going to take up time and energy in the wrong direction. And in a direction that I don't think I'm willing to make a bet on. And of course, I'm not someone who says it's always a bad bet to go long distance. my relationship with Audrey started long distance but it also started long distance where she was in England and I was in LA and a visit to Audrey also meant a visit to family a visit to family meant a

visit to Audrey you know it didn't it wasn't a crazy bet yeah and I did in that scenario exercise real restraint in saying yes I know that I could get more attached to this person if we kept speaking for hours on end, but to what end? And that restraint is something that's very hard to practice. And I think this is the, in some ways, the elephant in the room. It's extremely hard to practice that restraint of I'm not, I'm going to choose not to fall in love. I'm going to choose not to fall for this person. Love is a choice. I really do, you know, like falling in love is something that happens. Don't get me wrong.

That's an involuntary thing when we fall in love. But it's a choice to the extent that we can decide whether to feed that. I agree. And I chose not to feed that because I said, I know myself. I know if I keep talking to someone, every minute on the clock is getting me more connected. In the same way that every diaper change, it's a weird analogy,

but every diaper change gets me more connected to my son in a very messy way right but it's investment i'm investing i'm in i'm investing with every act with every bit of time and energy that i put into which is why i think it's so important by the way for for men to invest is because you'll get more connected the more you invest and the same is true in romance romance romantic relationships but you can choose not to invest and by choosing to not to invest but to divest you are limiting your capacity to fall and i i think we have to start exercising incredible restraint in long-distance situations because of how costly they are they're costly time-wise they're costly financially they are costly because of

you don't necessarily know until you're together full time, whether it's really going to work. So you can do a long-distance relationship for five years and everything feels like it's progressing and it's exciting and it's fun and then you finally move in together and you're in the same place and all of a sudden you realize when you're in the same place it doesn't work. So they're extremely high stakes situations a lot of the time because of how much time and energy they take, I think we do start, need to start being a lot more discerning about where we show restraint, where I say, yes, I am attracted to this person. And I'm not going to put any more time and energy into it. I kind of have a cautionary personal tale to confirm this. I once had a long

relationship with, with someone who I met on chat roulette. Do you, remember that site? Yeah, so like one night I was just scrolling and I met someone on there. And I think like it, what you're talking about really like rings true to me here because this was a kind of a disaster. But I started off by letting the like desire to find someone in a time where like I was really working on myself and I wanted to see results. So I let this like chat roulette thing be like a sign like, oh, like it's true serendipity that has brought me here. And that led to a long-distance relationship via Skype for six months where exactly what you're saying happened. The investment kept going. And I really didn't know this person. Like first investment was, hey, let's take this

from chat roulette, which I guess there's nothing inherently wrong with, but I think most people would like be like, hmm, it's an interesting place to make your relationship choice. So that was the first thing. And then that level of investment over, you know, six months when we finally met, I knew at that time when we finally met that it wasn't ever going to work. But because there was all of this investment, I deluded myself into thinking that it should and that it could. And that ended up wasting her time a lot. She moved to where I was.

And it just was not like it was not a personality fit. Yeah. And it was a large amount of investment on my end, a large investment on her end, kind of for not, because I think we both didn't have that restraint that you were just talking about. And I think you kind of have to have. I mean, maybe you don't have to, but I think that for many of us, it's unavoidable that we're going to do that at some point in our lives. We are going to invest a huge amount of energy and effort in the wrong direction and will either really hurt ourselves in the process or we will really hurt someone else in the process or

both. I do think there is a kind of inevitability to having to learn some of those lessons the hard way. The question is at a time in our lives, and I know so many people listen to this podcast who have reached a juncture in their life where they are now at least wanting to be highly intentional about the way they spend their limited time and energy and the way they give their hearts and who too. And when you're at that place,

all of a sudden these things become highly, highly relevant. It's not I'm 22 and I just meant. someone who lives in Colombia and screw it. I've got no other reason to go to Colombia, but this person, I don't even have the money to be flying there every three months. But what an adventure. And let's see where it goes. And oh, no, I'm now six months in and I'm completely in love with this person

who can't move and I can't move. And like a year in, we're now all getting our hearts broken because it has to end or someone cheated or whatever. It's like you do those things. and you kind of look back on those things and you don't, often you don't regret them. You just go, that was an advent. Now the pain has subsided. What an adventure.

But at a certain point, they become adventures at a really high cost. And I think that invitation to everyone who's being intentional to say, look, you've probably made some mistakes in this area already. You may not regret them. You may see them as wonderful adventures in your life. but would it be such an adventure now or would the pain of not showing restraint and getting yourself into another very, very intense, painful and ultimately, you know, dead end situation far outweigh the adventure and the romance of it all? Well, this podcast's taken a more sober tone on long distance than I thought, Matthew.

What playful, jovial direction were you going to go in? No, no, but you do make a good point. I had a Love Life caller today on our Q&A in Love Life, and she was talking about how she had met a great guy in New York, a couple of months in. They had actually, she went to Dubai, and he had diverted some of his plans to come and spend a four or five days of her in Dubai. Now he was going to go away for like two months to somewhere far away.

And she was basically saying, should I now say, like, I want to talk about what this is, because two months is a long time for someone to be gone and I'm on hold. Right. And he's also said, come out and come for a week. And, you know, the word of caution I gave on that is like, him saying come out doesn't necessarily. It's great.

He's come to see you in Dubai and you had a great time. Now is almost the perfect window to discuss what this is because you have a reason. And not discussing it now means putting your life on hold for two months and building the fantasy even more. or going on a romantic trip. I went and saw him for a week. And then, you know, we didn't know what it was. So, yeah, I think that's very, very good advice you gave. So we have a love lifeline question from someone called Salini.

Why don't you do the honours, Stephen? We did indeed. Selini very formally says, hello, Matthew Hussey. I've always believed in loving with my whole heart, but my last relationship made me wonder if that's what keeps breaking it. I've been following your advice for a while and your words have often felt like the friend I needed when I couldn't see my own worth. Earlier this year, I ended an eight-month relationship with someone who lived in another

country. We didn't get much quality time together because of his busy schedule, but I still made the effort to connect with him, show love and be present. I even planned a trip from Bali to India just to see him. While I was there, I felt lonely most of the time. Even when he was home, he was constantly busy with work calls. And when I tried to have conversations, I often felt dismissed or unheard. I still tried to make things special. I hid little letters of encouragement around his home, but he never acknowledged them. He would dismiss the little things I do for him. During that trip, I also found out he was still talking to his ex, and from the way he spoke about her, I felt he still had feelings for her. Before I even left India, he broke up with me to my face,

saying, I can't give you what you want. Later, I discovered he had also been on dating apps while we were together. The whole experience has left me questioning my worth and my judgment. Now, a couple of months later, I'm talking to someone new. I'm not expecting anything, but I notice I feel nervous. I'm scared to repeat my mistakes of giving too much too soon and losing myself in the process. How do I approach new connections with hope and warmth while still protecting my heart? And how do I know when my guard is healthy versus when it's blocking love? Yeah, it's a great question, Salini. I you know, these experiences don't have to harden us. They can actually really guide us to what's important to us and what we actually want.

You know, in that situation, there were certain things along the way that you may look back now and go, oh, I ignored that. You know, even the fact that I went to see him, which is it takes some effort. you went out of your way at some cost to be in the same place as him and he was i think she said on his laptop the whole time working well this is someone who's showing you very clearly what kind of time and attention they're capable of giving to a relationship and it it you know it's okay to be with an ambitious person who's got some big responsibilities so long as you also feel like you are a priority and you clearly were not a priority to this person. And she said something else that stuck out to me.

He said, I can't, you know, I can't give you what you want. That's important. He's telling you he couldn't give you what you want. He said, you said, I tried to make things special. I hid little letters of encouragement around his home that he never acknowledged them. He would dismiss the little things I do for him. You know, that's potentially both a compatibility issue and an issue of someone not prioritizing a relationship

at this point in their life. The compatibility issue is this person doesn't actually appreciate or connect to the little things. You know, you're going out of your way for this person and they're not connecting with it. They're not there for it. They're showing you. I connect to my work, to my goals, to my ambitions.

I am not connected to the love that is available to me in my life. And you don't want to be with someone who's not connected to the love that's available to them in their life, who doesn't value the love that's available to them in their life. Like I, and by the way, like, I relate to that. I relate to a period of my life where I was not only insanely busy. I'm still a busy person today, but the difference is back then I was both busy and, and not connected to the value of the love that was being offered to me. And that's not like I was, you know me, Stephen, I've always been close to family.

I've always prioritized family. But there's a difference between, let's say, family being important to you and people in your life sending you a beautiful message or telling you that they're thinking of you and really connecting to the value of that. of really saying, wow, I'm so grateful for the love that I have in my life. There's a great clip with Anthony Bourdain and, oh, I always forget his name, one of the old rockers. Oh, Iggy Pop. Iggy Pop was on an episode of Parts Unknown and they were both having a glass of white wine in a restaurant in Miami. I think it was in the Miami episode. And there's a moment where kind of Bordane's joking about the fact that they're only tilt to

Ward's hedonism is now the two of them in a restaurant drinking a glass of wine, a white wine together. And, you know, gone of the days of like going out and doing a ton of drugs and, you know, and he asks Iggy Pop, like, what are you grateful for today? And Iggy Pop says, oh man, he said it's, it's so corny and embarrassing, but like just, he said, appreciating the moments of love that the people in my life give to me. And it was so, it wasn't a, this was not an answer that he gave to sound good.

It was, to me, it really registered as a hard one conclusion that he had come to. Yeah. What really mattered to him in life were those moments of connection between the people he loved and him

and the ways that people loved him. And he felt, he looked like a human being who had become very connected to the value of that in his life. And I'm sure there was a time in his life where he was not connected to the value of that, where that was like the last thing on his mind.

The reason I'm saying that is because Salini, you're dealing with a guy who can't appreciate right now what you have to offer. Like he's not connected to it. He's not connected to the value. Forget you. This isn't personal. He's not connected to the value of probably what anyone who loves him

as to offer him in his life. You know, he might get attracted to someone very shiny and, you know, who represents status or popularity or something that he thinks he needs in his life. But I promise you, he's not connected to the value of the little things that people do for him in his life right now, of the ways that they're willing to show up. So it's actually appropriate for you to be a little more guarded in some ways. it's appropriate for you to go back out there into dating and to recognize that you should be putting a value on those things yourself and if you really value those things that you have to give you will be on the lookout for other people who value them to

and when you sense that you're around someone who's valuing the wrong things valuing things that are not valuable to you they're just valuing success or money or status or how far they're going and how fast they're getting there. When you start to pick up on the cues that someone's values are very different from yours, you won't think how do I impress this person or how do I get this person? You'll think, I don't want to give any more time to this person. I don't want to give what's valuable to this person who can't see what's valuable. In fact, I even find myself somewhat turned off by the fact that this person

doesn't value it. It's not just prudent for me to pull away. I'm actually pulling away because I don't find this attractive. This is, he is not my people. This is not the kind of human being that I want to be around. This person thinks differently than I do. They value different things in life than I value. So now it's not that you're going into your love life as a closed person. It's that you're going into the rest of your love life as someone who values those things that you have to give, but also values the kind of person that values them. And when you come across people who don't value them, you won't be scared. You'll be turned off. And that's the progression from where you are now. Take this as a wonderful progression as opposed to a reason to be afraid of love. But thank you for

writing in. Really appreciate the question. Wonderful question. Thank you for your vulnerability. It's that time again. It's Steve Sleeves. Don't be bereaved. You know that we can live without another episode of Steve Sleeves. Welcome Steve Sleeves, everyone without Audrey today who is usually good bands on Steve's sleeve, so you're going to have to make up for her. So... Let's start... It's so negative.

It's like, well, normally we have Audrey stuck with you. Usually one of you is more critical than the others, but we'll see how this plays. So we're going to do long-distance hot takometer. Okay. I'm going to give you some hot takes. Do I need a pen and paper? Not necessarily. I always like to have a pen and paper for Steve's sleeves.

You're going to tell me if this is a hot take, a flaming hot take, or cold as ice. Okay. You're going to write those down. I'll see. Long distance relationships fail more from fantasy than from distance. They fail more from fantasy. Yeah, they fail more from some kind of false fantasy than the actual distance themselves. Flaming hot take.

Hot take. Flaming hot take. In that you don't agree? No, surely that's I agree. Oh, okay. Great. We're figuring out as we go. So you don't know what the scale means.

Flaming hot take. Yeah, we so often think it's the distance and we just weren't compatible with that person in the first place. Okay. Voice notes are more intimate than video calls. I'm going to say hot take. There is something intimate about voice notes. Yeah, you know I don't really do them,

but you're more into it, aren't you? Yeah. It's more of a like anxious than an avoidant thing. Right, right. But we do a lot of video calls, yeah the voice notes well you know you don't have time for it it sounds like they're too intimate i'm a writer i like to write romantic things you know it's like a voice nice voice notes like someone whispering in your ear okay i'll keep that in mind

a surprise visit is more of a hassle than a joy cold as ice no imagine you're you're in the thick of everything you're doing nothing for your avoidant reputation here No, I just, I've been the one who twice, I flew back and surprised Audrey out of no way. Did it go great? Of course it went great. Imagine me getting off the plane and her going, oh, I had yoga. Well, no, that's the thing.

I always think it would be awesome to do it and to get the good reaction. You just do wonder what if it's like then someone's whole week is out the window. They're like, oh, well, I had all these things I was doing. You don't, right. Firstly, you don't do this with someone. worrying as the person who would go and surprise, you're like, is that going to be a massive disruption? Well, we were in a committed relationship at the time I did it. You know, I wouldn't do it if you're just dating someone and getting to know them.

Because that is really, really risky. But I was, we were in a committed relationship and I flew back once for her birthday and I flew back another time. And I joked. I was like walking down the street. She didn't know I was in town. She thought I was in L.A. She was in London. I was walking down the street.

And I was like role playing going, we should get out. There's a cake in London, a matcha crepe cake that we both love. And I was walking. I was like, oh, we should have a night in and get the matra crep cake tonight. And she was like, ha, ha, yeah, we should. Well, that would be so nice. Oh, my God, I want that so badly. And then like, by the time she said that, I was at her door and I went, ding, ding, ding.

Like, knocked on the door. And I was like, well, let's do it. And she was like, what? She just lost her mind. Oh, that's really good. Yeah. I mean, it would be wonderful. I just, you know, maybe that's my own issue.

Maybe I just got to throw myself in and find out. So that one's cold as ice. Okay, cold as ice. One partner usually should travel more if their life is more portable. One partner should travel more if their life is more portable. Yeah. I would say hot take with the caveat that it doesn't, it cannot be, the reason for a really one-sided relationship. So it is okay if you're the one who can travel more

to travel more, but that can't be a reason they never travel to see you or they never meet you halfway. There has to be a give and take. You can't use circumstances as a reason for the relationship to always be convenient for them and always be inconvenient for you. Sending sexy text is more important in a long distance flaming by definition flaming hot take right you should be sexing up more well i mean don't send anything that you would regret if it ended you know don't send pictures that you wish wouldn't be on someone's phone if it ended tomorrow but you know a little bit of sex talk i'm all for it yeah i i you know the whether it's a sexy phone call you know uh Why am I blanking on what the phone sex?

I was blanking on what the phrase was for having sex over the phone. Imagine that. Phone sex. Makes sense. I think that's great. I think you should have phone sex or you should have like, you've got to do something. You can't park the sexual element of the relationship for weeks or months on end. You just can't.

It's too, the only way a long distance relationship works. over a period of time is if you try to, I don't know if simulates the right word, but you create as many of those normal elements of a relationship as possible. Because otherwise you become resentful and you feel like a part of you is just not being fed in this relationship.

It can't be a friendship until we see each other three months from now. And is it scheduled in or is it just happening? I'm okay with both. Yeah. You might be a bit like overwhelmed by surprise. No, I'm a spontaneous. You might be like,

I've got a busy week going on. You're just showing up out of nowhere with these sexy texts. I've got, I've got files on my desk I'm trying to deal with. No, I'm always ready to make time for that. That's never been a problem. Well,

we've learned your priorities. It's easier to maintain a long distance relationship as you get older than it is when you're young. younger. Well, that's probably a hot take. I was going to say that's probably true, but then I remembered the vernacular of this particular Steve's sleeves. The arbitrary vernacular, yes. I would say that's a hot take because it, well, when you're young, you're sort of motivated in a crazy way. You're like, yell of, you know, fly to Madagascar for this person. You know, let's do it. But I think that in terms of the consistency required to actually have a solid long-term.

own relationship. Yeah. When you're older and you're being more intentional and you have the patience that you don't need to like, you know, go and hook up this week just because, you know, you're like, I'm not going to wait two months to see another person or whatever. I think if you're being intentional, you have the patience for a relationship that has obstacles. All right. Well, we had a lot of spicy takes there.

We were hotter than we were colder. Thank you very much for playing Steve's sleeves. is that from somewhere or is that just from this oh you started it it's just a game show sort of ditty yeah that's great thanks well it's really stevens i've just sort of come to see it as a part of the show you know i've got the rights to that piece of music well thank you everybody for for listening if you watch it on youtube thank you we now have our own dedicated channel for the podcast so if you want to just listen or watch our podcast episodes. They're all going to be on Love Life podcast, the channel on YouTube.

Go subscribe to it. And thank you, as always, for listening to the show. Don't forget to email us podcast at Matthewhussy.com. And we'll see you soon. Thanks, everyone. Thank you for listening, everybody, to another episode of Love Life. And look, whether you're in a long-distance relationship or not, one of the great perils of relationships these days is being stuck in one that isn't

actually going anywhere or that threatens to waste months or years of our time without ever resulting in a real commitment. I cannot emphasize enough. You have to go and take this free masterclass casual to committed that I have created for you. It is one of the best free trainings I've ever created. And most importantly, it will save you years of your life being wasted by someone who is never serious or by someone who could commit but isn't right now because you're not asking for what you're worth. Go check it out at getcommitment.com and you can watch this for free right now.