Love Life with Matthew Hussey - “I Haven’t Had Sex in 18 Years – What Should I Tell Him?”

Episode Date: March 30, 2016

When we get into a new relationship, we all have that one issue or experience from our past that’s difficult to share.  In this week’s LOVELife… I take a call from a brave woman named Rhonda who is getting back into the dating game after an 18-year hiatus from sex.  How should she bring up this tricky subject to the new men she’s meeting?  You may be surprised at my answer…

Welcome to Love Life. I'm Matthew Hussey. And I was thinking, almost every question I get on the show is about communicating better with men. What can I get him to say to ask me out? What should I text him if he disappears? How can I let him know I'm interested without coming on too strong? So I've done something special for you. I've put together a free guide called 9 Magic Texts No Man Can Resist that give you the exact scripts to use

for all different kinds of situations I'm going to tell you how you can get your free guide at the end of the show so stay tuned We are ready for a brand new episode here today we have a caller on the line Rhonda, are you there? Yes, I'm there.

Tell me your question. Yes, my question basically is more like a situation. I've been celibate for the past 18 plus years and I'm just now getting back into dating, but I really don't know when to bring my celibacy up to a guy or how to let them know I am still kind of sexual, at least. Just, you know, you're not getting it anytime soon. But they kind of look at me like I'm a conquest of sorts.

So you haven't had sex for 18 years? Yep. What's been the reason for that? I was in an abusive marriage. And after I got out, I just said, OK, I'm going to take a break from relationships because I clearly don't abusive marriage and after I got out I just said okay I'm going to take a break from relationships because I clearly don't know what the heck I'm doing. You took a long break Rhonda. Time kind of got away from me. You took a long break. Yeah. It wasn't just a break after a while was it? No. What was it? Did you get comfortable?

Did you start to get afraid because you'd been out of it so long? What was it? In order to stay away from people on my original break, at least, I started trying to find things wrong with guys. Got a little too easy to do. And also, I was just afraid I'd find another guy like my ex-husband. Right. So you stayed away?

Yep. And how did it make you feel to stay away from it all? I was so preoccupied with life and everything, I actually didn't notice. But aren't relationships and intimacy part of life? I guess.

I mean, it hasn't been for mine, but... You guess or you know? Yeah, they are part of life. They are. Because if they weren't, you wouldn't even be on this call right now, would you? That is true. You'd just stay celibate for the rest of your life.

Yeah, and I don't want to do that, actually. Because they're part of life. These things are really... And that's why we told it. They're fun. They really are fun, Rhonda. Sex is great fun. It really can be fun.

But of course, it's fun when it's with someone who makes it fun. Yeah. And that doesn't have to be the right person, by the way. I think sometimes people get a little too caught up in that. Sex can be fun with many people. It could be fun with the right person. It can be, sometimes it's even fun with the wrong person, who may be wrong for us in other ways, but in that way, you know, there's a lot of fun to be had.

But we do tend to make a lot of rules. And it sounds like you made a rule that said, no one can get close enough to me to be able to hurt me like that again. And in saying that, you essentially canceled out everyone who could possibly get close, whether they were good, bad, you'd find any reason not to let them get close. Is that fair enough? Yeah, I guess it is.

I don't know why I didn't think about that. I think you have been doing the thing that is comfortable for a long time. And I think it's time to get uncomfortable because you clearly are a playful, lovely, fun, sexy woman. Thank you. This is not the behavior i expect from someone like that someone who stays in their comfort zone so let's go back for a second because are you ready to have sex now what this very second um yeah actually perfect okay this is good this is what i want

from you i want you to go out there and actually start allowing yourself to let guys get close to you. In terms of when to say that you've been celibate for 18 years, I don't think it's that relevant, if you want my honest opinion, Rhonda. I don't think it's that important. You don't need to, why on earth would you need to say that prior to having sex with someone? Oh, well, to kind of warn them, I guess. Rhonda, warn them of what exactly? Have you forgotten how to laugh? Have you forgotten how to have fun? You clearly haven't forgotten how to make that noise. So, Rhonda, I don't think there's anything that you need to warn them about.

What they're going to find is this same beautiful sexual woman that you've always been inside. That's not, that's not gone anywhere. Now, when people say, oh my God, I've lost that part of me. No, you haven't. You just got into a different habit for a while. It's not a big deal. This is not a big thing for you to be thinking about. Stop you focusing on how to discuss my celibacy is the wrong thing for you to be focusing on. I want you to focus on meeting great people. And then look, if you want to get into a relationship with someone and tell them more about your history and how you went for a long period of time without being with anyone sexually, you have the opportunity to do that. When you get closer to someone, you can tell them that about you because it's an interesting part of your past, but it's not something that needs to come

up with someone you're going to have sex with. Trust me, you'll get over that little hurdle real quick. Yeah, I guess we will, won't we? So Rhonda, can, right now, you have to repeat after me, but only if you mean it, okay? Okay. All right. I, Rhonda. I, Rhonda. After 18 years of celibacy. After 18 years of celibacy.

I'm going to finally stop. I'm going to finally stop. Being such a boring coward. Wow. You pull no punches, don't you? Being such a boring coward wow you pull no punches don't you being such a boring coward and I'm ready to go out there and meet men and be the sexy woman I've always been I am ready to go out there and meet men and tie them up and be the adventurous sexual person I've always been. I like your additions. Your additions were hot. So Rhonda, go out there and have fun. And, and, you know, there will be guys along the way that are ridiculous, that are stupid. There'll be guys that, that try and do too much too quickly. There'll be guys that are disrespectful. There'll be guys that are abusive. That's, that's life. Life is full of the wrong type of

person, but it's also full of amazing people. So much like a business, when people come into your life that aren't the right type of candidate, fire them quickly and move on to people that are great. But don't disqualify people because you're scared. Only disqualify them if you fundamentally know that they're not living up to your standard. Okay. And for the ones that do live up to your standard or you're curious about, give them a chance, have some fun. And if at the end of the day, they turn out to be the wrong person or they turn out to

be someone who isn't bringing good energy into your life, you can lose them just as quickly and move on to the next one. And you haven't lost anything. You haven't lost a part of yourself. It's all part of the experience and it makes you a richer, more interesting person. So don't shy away from it. Okay. Okay then. All right. Rhonda, have a wonderful, wonderful day. Go have fun. I can't wait to hear from you soon. Make sure you give us a call sometime and let us know how you're getting on. Okay. All righty then. You take care. I love your energy, Rhonda. Thank you so much for being such a smiley influence in my day. I love it. Thank you. You're very welcome. And thank you all for listening. It's been such a pleasure to have you listening on Love Life.

Thank you to Rhonda. What an amazing woman. Ready for your gift? Okay, I've put together a free guide called the nine magic texts no man can resist. These are copy and paste scripts that you can use on any guide to create intrigue, attraction, and intense feelings of desire. To get your free guide, just go to lovelifepodcast.com forward slash texts.