Love Life with Matthew Hussey - (Matt Monday): 14 Rules for Being a MAGNET in Love & in Business

Episode Date: January 16, 2023

Do you find yourself watching from the sidelines as other people you know go after and get the very things you most desire? Whether it’s love, an amazing job, or a high-value social circle of genuine, supportive friends . . . perhaps you feel envy watching other people work a room better than you—feeling like you can’t tell interesting stories, you’re not charismatic, or you aren’t someone strangers feel drawn to. Most people don’t realize that this phenomenon is not down to personality—it’s impact, which is a skill that can be learned. Whether it’s knowing how to tell a good story at a work event or standing out on a date, learning how to make an impact is one of the most important investments you can make in your life . . . because it can change nearly every aspect of it. If this speaks to you, then don’t miss today’s new episode, a mini masterclass on how to have true impact in every area of your life! ---   ►► Unlock My Secrets for Captivating Anyone in the First 5 Minutes. For FREE Access, Go to. . . → http://www.First5Guide.com

Remember, when you're telling your story in life, it's your perspective that you're sharing and you're the only one who has your exact vantage point. I wanted to let everyone know there is a free guide available at firstfiveguide.com where you can learn some really valuable practical techniques about what you can do in the first five minutes of an interaction with anybody, whether it's on the date, whether it's in a meeting, at work, you can use this to be compelling in the first five minutes because how we come across in those first five is extremely important to what happens afterwards. So go check that out if you haven't already. It's completely free and it is at firstfiveguide, the number five, dot com. firstfiveguide.com

I know that many of you, perhaps most of you, come to me for love life advice. But if I were to zoom out, one of the skill sets I am most proud I have learned in my life is the ability to interact well with other people, the ability to navigate relationships, the ability to make an impact when I go into a room or when I step up on stage or when I make a video. This is a skill set that has been valuable to me in every aspect of my life. It's the most transferable skill set I've ever learned. Whether it's being able to build a company, growing an online audience, making videos, being on stage, or meeting and interacting with a person at an engagement party that I

went to who went on to become the love of my life, my fiance. This skill set I believe is one that I could not have got by without. So I wanted to narrow it down to 14 things. So here we go. Number one, you can change. I once asked my mom, how do you know who you are, mom? It's a funny question to ask my mom, but we were on a retreat at the time and I was working on content about how to figure out who we are. And I said, how do you know who you are? She said, well, I know who I am because of what I've done and what I'm comfortable with. And I said, that's exactly right. And in a sense, what that is, is it's looking in the rear view mirror. It's looking

at who we've been so far. It's not looking at who we could be or how we might evolve. We all know that we have evolved in interesting ways in our life. We've come to enjoy things we never thought we would enjoy. We've adopted new parts of our own identity that we didn't have once upon a time. When you think of your own personal impact and you immediately put limitations on what you're capable of, I want you to start from a place of saying, I can change. I know that because there are areas of my life where I've already changed. There are skills I've already brought on that I never used to have. There are ways I've already grown in confidence. There are people skills I've learned. And that means that

I'm not at the end of that journey. There's way further to go in terms of the impact that I can make in the world and in my world. And the important thing with that point is this particular phrase. Don't focus on finding yourself. Get to work on creating yourself. The second point I want to make about impact is energy. People who have impact have a certain level of energy. Energy is different. I've spent my life public speaking and working with all different kinds of people in their ability to project. And everyone's version of projection

is a little different. Some people walk into a room and their life and soul loudest person in the room. Other people are much more quiet and reserved. Now I do not fit into the loudest person in the room archetype. I'm not life and soul of the party but I have my own version of energy and you on your best day have your own version of energy too. Your version of energy can be your best possible open and warm expression when you're feeling confident. It could be the way you move your body, the way you gesture. It could be a glint in your eye when you're talking about something that you're truly passionate about. But one of the things you'll notice about people who have impact is there is an energy to these people. And people who don't have impact, people who struggle to hold your attention or to be compelling in life, they're missing that thing. It's not that they're not loud.

You can be quiet and have a certain energy that's very compelling. You could be the person who doesn't say many words, but when you speak, everyone listens. You know that person at the dinner table? There's someone at the dinner table that when they speak, no one listens because they just speak the whole time. But there's certain people that when they speak, everyone's tuned in. I remember doing a show with my dear friend, Dr. Ruth. And this is a woman who, when I met her, she was in her nineties and she was on the Rachel Ray show.

You remember this, Jameson. And this, on the Rachel Ray show, I remember Rachel Ray saying to Dr. Ruth, this woman in her 90s, when it came to sex, I think they were talking about, she said, but you know, what about when you're tired? And Dr. Ruth, this vivacious, powerful, four foot five woman, she said, if you're tired, sleep. I have no time for tired people. If you're tired, sleep. And I remember thinking to myself, there's a reason that Dr. Ruth has all this impact. There is a sense of energy about her. Think of your impact role models, the people that when you watch them, you're mesmerized. There's something about their energy that's not the average. So energy, have a spark

in your eye, be excited about things, be fascinated, be impressed, be passionate about ideas or moments, be excited about the little things. Me with, when me and Audrey go to places or when me and Jameson go to places, I get excited about little details. I get excited about the coffee. I get excited about the place we're in. We could be sitting at a bar and I'll be like, this bar is really cool isn't it? I can't contain that excitement and there's a sense of that, you know, that quality is one that's very magnetic. When I'm around it with other people I want to be around those people more. So number two, energy. A key component of impact. Number three, while you're finding your voice, be compassionate with yourself. This is really important because all of us, as we go through life, we're discovering our voice.

We're simultaneously creating ourselves and we're kind of discovering at the same time what works about our voice. I know in the early days of me being on YouTube, I didn't really know what people liked about me or whether they even would like me. I was just putting out videos. And what started to happen was I learned over time what resonated with people about me. And many of us, if we pay attention, we'll learn in life what resonates about me with other people. In the beginning though, we often start by parroting other influences. I know when I was starting out and I was maybe 17 and I started speaking on stage a little bit here and there, whoever would let me on the stage, I would start speaking on stage. And the person I was parroting was Tony Robbins. He was like a personal hero of mine at the time. And it was almost like I was doing a really bad Tony Robbins

impression. And that lingered for a little bit because what happens is you sort of, you mimic and you imitate and you parrot the influences that you feel inspired by. And you do that until you figure out what your voice is. Through that, your own voice begins to emerge. So what I want you to do is be a little compassionate with yourself while you're putting yourself out there in different ways in your life. If sometimes you end up feeling like a bit of a bad version of somebody else or of an influence, that's okay. That's what happens when you try and break a mold that you've set for yourself. You start by imitating inspiration and influences but we graduate out of that and into something that's truly us. In the meantime, be compassionate about your own journey to finding that voice. Exercise

compassion with your voice and my handwriting. Number four, be passionate in the meantime. So what you lack in perfect ways of saying things or being eloquent, you can make up for in just being passionate about what you're talking about, whatever that may be. If you're on a date, you don't have to say something perfectly to be passionate about something in life, to be passionate about an idea, to be passionate about a hobby, to be passionate about your own life or the journey that you're on. You don't have to say it perfectly to say it in an interesting way because passion is interesting. Passion is compelling all on its own. You know that feeling when you watch someone light up as they talk about something. Your favorite teacher in school almost always is the person that has had a level of passion about their subject that brought

you into it. It made you want to be a part of it. It could even get you excited about something you didn't care about before. I always think when I think of some of my impact heroes like Anthony Bourdain or Steve Irwin, the crocodile hunter, I looked at those people and I came to the realization that with Steve Irwin, he had a show about reptiles and crocodiles. And after a time, you realized that you weren't watching Steve Irwin so that you could witness crocodiles. You were watching crocodiles so that you could witness Steve Irwin. I wasn't watching Anthony Bourdain so that I could witness all different parts of the world. I ended up watching all different parts of the world so that I could witness Anthony Bourdain because it was their passion that brought me in and made me want to

know who they were. So be passionate in the meantime, even when you're fumbling your way through figuring out what your voice is. So number four, passion. Be passionate along the way. Now, number five, we've already said, but I want you to write it down. Stop trying to find yourself and start creating yourself. So stop trying to find yourself and start creating yourself. The people that I know in life that get far called the Big Ass Calendar Club. Being a friend of his and loving what he does, I immediately became a part of this program where he created this giant calendar for you to fill out for your year. It was a really cool program. But what I love about Jesse and what's so inspiring about this man is that he doesn't

wait for something to be perfect before doing it. He just gets out the first version of it. And he'll get feedback and he'll think about what could be done differently. And then he'll make another version. What he won't do is sit around for three years trying to create the perfect version. It's iterative. And we ourselves are the same. We have to go through an iterative process in order to become the most impactful version of ourselves.

So stop trying to find yourself in the same way that we have to stop trying to find the perfect idea in life. Instead, create yourself and creation is an iterative process. Number six, this is an interesting one. Celebrate the impact that others have. One of the things we do when we're insecure is we feel like all of life is a competition. And I suffered from this, I think, in my 20s. I say I think, I know. I suffered from this in my 20s. I almost felt like everything was one. I suffered from this in my 20s. I almost felt like everything was one big competition all the time. And if someone else had impact, that took away from my impact. And so I didn't want to lift other people up. It was all competitive. And I was almost like, if someone wasn't in my lane, then it was easy to say nice things about

them. You might be able to relate. But when someone's in your lane and you feel competitive and you feel like, oh, but they're better than me, or maybe they have more impact than me. So I dare not speak it. That's something that happens in all walks of life. It happens in business when we think that someone is doing something well, and it feels like almost it treads on our toes that that business or that person does something well. But it also happens in love. You know, we're afraid of the person who walks into the room who we feel like is, you know, our competition for the person we want because they're better looking or they have a better body than us or they're an age that we think is more attractive. We suddenly start being afraid of, it's almost like we want to just be out of the room with that. We don't want to be

in the room at all with those people, or we want to shut them down, or we want to kind of compete with them. I've noticed in my lifetime that the people with the most impact, they support other people. They support other talent. They get excited about other talent. Jameson, who's that, the director of Arrival? Is it Danny Villeneuve? Danny Villeneuve? Yeah. Danny Villeneuve was this wonderful moment where I was on TV in Toronto.

I was in the green room with this director and he's directed, I mean, he's the guy right now, isn't he? I mean, he's, what did he direct? Arrival, Dune, Prisoners. There was a bunch of other movies. He's the enemy. he direct? Arrival, Dune, Prisoners. There was a bunch of other movies. He's Enemy. Amazing, amazing director. And I was in the green room with him before going on.

I was going to go and talk about, I think it was when I was talking about the book or something, but he was on to promote one of his movies. And we were in the green room. And he will never remember this, but he did something that really inspired me. He was watching, at the time, Scorsese's Wolf of Wall Street had just come out. So the trailers were running on the TV.

And I remember him looking like a little kid watching the TV and seeing the trailer for Wolf of Wall Street. And he looked over at me and he went, have you seen it? And I was like, Wolf of Wall Street. And he looked over at me and he went, have you seen it? And I was like, Wolf of Wall Street? Yeah. He said, it's amazing, isn't it? And he was like, so giddy. He was like just celebrating Martin Scorsese

and giddy over this movie. Now he could have been competitive, but instead he's just a guy who loves movies. He's just a guy who appreciates talent and he's talking about it. One of the things I've worked to do in my life is just learn to appreciate talent, learn to appreciate impact, learn to appreciate who's doing something well. It doesn't matter if they're one of my peers. It doesn't matter if they're in the same lane as me. It's just awesome. It's just

more awesome. And the more you can get comfortable with other people who have impact, the more that you allow yourself to be open, to be inspired by it, the more you allow yourself to be open to supporting and being supported by people like that. But the people who never grow are the people that never grow out of being threatened by other people that have impact and by other people they perceive to have more impact than them. If you're confident, you don't see it as a zero-sum game. If you're confident, you make space for more people. And by the way, it should be said that in companies, this is something that tends to

keep people at the level they are. When they can't make space for other people and grow other leaders, they never rise up in a company. The irony is that when we're fighting to protect our space, we limit how far we can go. If we make space for other people and we celebrate other people and we grow other people, we ourselves grow in the process. Celebrate the impact of others. Very good. We're going to move a little more quickly through these because I have 14 of them, but hopefully you're enjoying these. By the way, you haven't already please go and download that free guide go to

first5guide.com go and download that guide while you can right now first5guide.com. Alright let's move on to number seven. Celebr celebrate the impact of others, but don't over respect people. Often I will get nervous if I've lost sight of this and I'm interviewing someone that I've told myself is just so much better than me in every way. And now I'm getting nervous because I've put them on a pedestal. Same happens in dating. We get nervous around someone because they're particularly attractive or successful, or they have a lot of money, or they have a lot of status or power. And we start to over-respect them. Instead of just having a kind of sense of, wow, what an impressive person, we start to

over-respect them. And when we over-respect them, we crave their validation. Instead of just saying, as Christopher Hitchens would have said, whenever you see another person, whenever you see an expert in something, remember they're just another primate. Number eight. This is one of my favorites. We often, especially when we're over-respecting other people's voices in the world, we feel like our voice isn't worth anything. And we fall into the trap of thinking, well, it's all already been

said. What am I going to say that's new? Now, we could think that on a date by feeling like, well, how am I going to stand out? What's going to be different about me to the last 10 people this person went on a date with? We can feel it when we, I could feel it if I'm not careful when I make a video. Look how many videos there are every day posted on YouTube. What am I going to say that's new or different? Now, how do you get yourself into a frame of reference where you still think your voice is important, even though it's such a noisy environment to try to be heard in? Stop worrying about saying the new and start saying

it new. In other words, say it in a fresh way. And in a sense, the freshness comes from your authentic story. When you're on a date telling your story to someone, it's your story. You can't mess it up. It's yours. And you're the only person that can have your exact perspective in life based on what you've been through. You're the only person that can have that. William Zinsser in his book On Writing Well talked about how a travel writer could go to Japan and think, well, why write about Japan? Everyone's already written about it. Tokyo has been written about thousands of times. Why bother writing about it? And he said in his book, because they haven't heard what you have to say about Tokyo. You've never been to Tokyo before. So when you go, you have some kind of perspective that is by definition your own.

And that perspective is what you're writing about. Remember when you're telling your story in life, it's your perspective that you're sharing. and you're the only one who has your exact vantage point there are many people that can talk about in my world that can talk about confidence that could talk about self-love that could talk about dating that could talk about personal change and there are many people doing it but no one's Matthew Hussey no one's got quite my take because no one's got my exact story. It's my story. I have a monopoly on my own vantage point. So don't say the new, say it new. And I don't have time to go into this right now, but one of the great ways to say something new, to say it in a new and fresh way is to find metaphors. You'll see in my work all the time, metaphors come out over and over and

over again. The white handkerchief as a metaphor for being able to select the guy that you want to talk to without having to do all of the work and still making him think it was his idea. The handkerchief becomes an instant metaphor for people to understand that concept. If you want to have impact, become very adept at using metaphor. But this is a subject for another time. Number nine, lean into the things that you love. When you are speaking to people in any walk of life, lean in to what you love. Many of us are embarrassed by what we truly love. So we start to act like we love all the same things as everybody else. Do you like that movie?

Yeah, I like that movie too. Did you not like that movie? Okay, well then I'm not gonna talk about how much I loved that movie. Many of us are very kind of, we have our idiosyncrasies. We have our things that we really love doing. We have our things that make us a bit different, a bit weird, a bit quirky, a bit geeky, a bit

something. There's something we obsess about. There's something we love, but a lot of us don't talk about it because we're afraid that we'll be judged for it. We'll be afraid that it will be thought silly. And that's a real shame because it's the things that we fall in love with that make us an interesting person to be around because the reasons why we love them can be quite fascinating. What we love is not nearly as important as why we love it. And when we're shying away from the things we love, people actually never learn why it is that we love it. I always was a bit embarrassed by the fact that I'm such a huge fan of Disney World and Disneyland, right? This is something that if you follow me a lot, you know

that I'm a big fan. But amidst all of the things that I like, like getting my blue belt in jujitsu, which is cool, that's one of those things that it's not like I feel like by saying that I'm going to be seen as cool. But I have my reasons why I love it so much. So when you think of the things that you love that feel a bit embarrassing or a bit odd, a bit quirky, remember that you leaning into those things is one of the most powerful things about your impact. Don't make excuses for what you love. Show us why you love those things. Number 10, one of the reasons that you can lean into the quirkier, geekier, stranger things that you love is that you also, that's not all you are. You're not one thing, right? Embrace the ands.

Embrace the ands. In other words, I'm not just an adult who loves going to Disney World and has an annual pass. I am someone who goes to jujitsu three or four times a week and rolls around and fights people for fun. I'm someone who likes writing and writes on really deep subjects. I'm somehow paradoxically someone who hates inauthentic experiences and loves like really deep, authentic things. And the reason I love going to Japan is because of the deep history and the culture and the fact that you feel like you're embedded in something that's real.

It's not a, it's not a simulacrum of Japan. It's not a Mickey Mouse version of Japan. It's Japan. And yet somehow I love authentic experiences. And I love Disney World, which is the ultimate manufactured experience. Embrace the ants. You're not a simple person. You're not about one thing. You're about many things. Don't be so easy to pigeonhole. Make yourself a little unpredictable. Embrace the ants. Keep people guessing a little bit, have some unique pairings. You don't have to have an opinion. You don't have to have an opinion. We live in a world today that has tried to make you have an opinion on everything, which is absurd because you can't be an expert on everything. We can only be an expert in very, very small areas. So instead of feeling like you need to know everything about everything, let go. If someone's saying something in a room and you don't have a strong opinion, don't have a strong opinion. Don't

feel like you need to voice an opinion just because other people are. And while we're at it, let's be real about something. We live in a world today where it seems like it's anathema to hang out with or converse with someone who has different opinions than you. One of the greatest ways to have impact is to speak with, hang out with, learn about people who don't agree with you on the things that you feel certain about and vice versa. This is how we start to become someone who's more rounded, who understands more about what the other side thinks. And that's a way of connecting with people. It's also a great way of debating with people because one of the greatest, if you want to

debate people well, you have to know their argument better than they do. And you're never going to know their argument better than they do unless you actually study it. And you can't study it if you'll never be in the same room as that person. I do plenty of interviews. Some of you have seen my interviews where I interview someone and you may at certain points be sitting there going, I know Matt doesn't agree with the point this person just made, but he's not saying anything. That's because I don't feel the need to debate people all the time. I don't feel the need to make myself right. I can just go, oh, they believe that thing.

That's different to what I believe, but that's okay. We'll keep moving. There are times, there are strategic times where we want to debate or persuade, but we don't have to have an opinion all the time on everything. And by the way, that's also about embracing the ands in other people. Embrace the ands in other people. Allow them to be complex too. Number 12, if you want to have impact, execute. Be the kind of person who says they're going to do something and then do it. Be the kind of person who has an idea and does something about it. Execute, even if imperfectly. You've heard it before, I'm sure. Take imperfect action. People who execute, they stand out. If you want to stand out in life, be a doer because other

people will look at you and go, wow, there's something about this person. They don't just talk. Most people just talk. If you do, you immediately stand out. So if you want to have more impact, execute. And it really helps when you're executing, be okay with being wrong. If you can learn to live with being wrong and adjusting course along the way, you're free. I did a podcast not so long ago on the biological clock, and it's a touchy subject for me as a man to wade into, but I think the conversation is so important that I'd rather wade into it heavy handed and at least get the conversation started than avoid it altogether. It just so happens that in a particular podcast I did last year, I was a little heavy handed about a part of that conversation. And some people came back and critiqued it. And they were like, Matt, you're missing the point

on this. And it actually turned into an amazing conversation because I said, you know what? You're right. You're right. I hadn't considered that. And then I invited a couple of fertility experts onto my podcast and had the most amazing conversation I've had on the topic yet, because instead of hiding away from being wrong, I said, oh, that's interesting. You brought something up I hadn't considered. I was wrong about that or? I'm just going to search for truth. If I'm searching for truth, I don't need to worry about being wrong. I'm just searching for truth. So I could be wrong as many times as I want, as long as I keep getting closer to the truth. I'm not worried about the egoic component of it. And by the way, because of that malleability and that flexibility, I now have a better answer to talk about for the rest of my life. And it's all because I was flexible in the first place. So be okay with being wrong. It's the same in relationships. If your goal is connection,

then it's not about being right all the time. It's about connection. And so now you don't say, oh my God, they've got me over a barrel on this concept and this thing they've said. I'm embarrassed because I feel like they've pinned me down on something I'm wrong about and I'm going to let my pride take over. No, if the connection is what's most important to you in a relationship, whether it's with a family member or someone that you're romantically involved with, then you don't care about being wrong. You care about the connection. And you can come back to that person and say, listen, I realized I was over the top when I said that. I was irrational. I was too mad and it made me say something I didn't mean. That was wrong of me to do that.

I'm sorry. And now the connection is what grows as a result because you're okay with being wrong. How many relationships end because someone can't be okay with being wrong? You may have been in one of them. The last thing I want to say is not a statement, but a question.

I suppose it is sort of an instruction, but we'll turn it into a question. Make a decision on where you want to level up your impact this year. So what's an area you want to level up? Last year, one of my very specific things is I wanted to swear less I wanted to curse less in my videos in my speeches and in general in my life I actually did a pretty good job of that I still curse and the goal wasn't to not curse at all it was just you know what 80% of my cursing is kind of doesn't serve a purpose 20% of the time I kind of doesn't serve a purpose. 20% of the time, I kind of like it, but I eliminated the 80% quite effectively. So now I'm onto the next thing. And one of the things I want to do effectively

this year is I want to work on speaking more effectively. And what to me that means after 15 years of public speaking is, are there areas where I could be saying more but in less words? Does it need as many words as I've given it? If you watch Charlie Munger on stage, I know that they do their whole conference with Charlie Munger and Warren Buffett every year. And it's really funny to watch the sort of polarity between Warren Buffett and Charlie Munger, because Warren Buffett likes a monologue. But if you listen to Charlie Munger, he'll sum up what Warren Buffett just said in the space of about five words. Now, I'm never going to be Charlie Munger. My way of talking is different in style than that. And all of our videos would be a minute and a half if I was

Charlie Munger, and you probably wouldn't follow this channel. But I also recognize over the course of my life that I've often taken too many words to say what I want to say. So I want to be more effective in my speaking. Say it, say what I mean, and then get on to the next point. So that's my thing. What's yours? What's an aspect of your impact? Maybe it's your body language that you want to transform this year. Maybe you know that there's something you want to emulate about the way other people move and use their bodies that you know is really powerful. Maybe it's your voice and you know your voice isn't particularly strong and you want to work on it because it's actually harming you to not be able to project your voice in a noisy space or in a meeting or in a speech or

even just at the dinner table. Maybe the thing you want to work on is your persuasion with people, your ability to really craft a great argument and to deliver it to someone in a way that they're receptive to it because that's what persuasion is, isn't it? Persuasion isn't just hitting someone over the head with an argument and making them feel bad. Persuasion is, how do I craft it in a beautiful way and make it palatable for you so that you actually receive what I'm saying? What's the area of your impact that you want to improve on? One of the things we can all improve on is the impact we make in the first five minutes of an interaction.

So if you haven't already, I want to invite you to come and grab the free guide that I've created, where between me and my brother, Stephen, we took the first five minutes that I did on a radio interview in a crowded room. And Stephen pointed out that there were some very specific things I did in those first five minutes that made an impact and won the room over. And so we decided to create a free guide that broke down the practical things I did that can be used in any situation from a date to showing up to a party, to going into an interview or a meeting, to making a video if you want to make videos. But this first five minutes and these practical things are really powerful

and they make your first impression count. So go over to first five guide, the number five, firstfiveguide.com and download that free guide now. I know that so many of you come to me for love advice, but my guess is if you've been following me for more than a couple of videos, it's because you know that what I'm doing here has mass application to every part of your life. And sometimes we go far deeper, but what I love about these skill sets is that they're super practical and they're things

that you'll use every single day. And regardless of how hard I've worked in my life and I've always worked hard if I didn't have these skill sets of impact I never would have been able to achieve what I've achieved in my life I'm so grateful that I know these things and this is just scratching the surface so come over to that guide with us now, firstfiveguide.com. I will see you over there and let me know what you think. Bye.