Love Life with Matthew Hussey - (Matt Monday): Don’t Fall Into Another Casual Situationship! Say THIS Instead…

Episode Date: August 7, 2023

In today’s new episode, I talk with author and radio host Tanya Rad, who shares what she did to get what she wanted in dating and how she found her current boyfriend in the process. Her honesty is refreshing, and whether you’re in a relationship or not, I think you’ll learn something new about setting standards (and going easy on yourself when things don’t go as planned!) Moreover, her insights will help you weed out the people who are just looking for something casual so you can find the right person faster. --- Discover the 4 Secrets for Escaping Casual Dating Traps. Claim Your FREE PASS for My Dating With Results Training at. . . → http://www.DatingWithResults.com

🎵 🎵 What's up everybody? Welcome to another episode of Love Life. I am Matthew Hussey and today we have a dear friend of mine that I am having a conversation with Tanya Rad. If you don't know Tanya, she's a nationally recognized TV and radio personality. She co-hosts On Air with Ryan Seacrest. She's also the co-host of two-time People's Choice Award winning podcast, Scrubbing In. She's an author, a content creator, and someone who has a passion for female empowerment, health and wellness, and creating community. And today we have a really interesting conversation that spans everything from how to be more proactive in your dating life.

And literally we get very, very practical here about how to meet more people, how to open the conversation when you want to start a conversation with a complete stranger that you find attractive, how to speak about your intentions early on in the dating process so that you don't waste time, how to keep your standards high even when you're tempted to break them, and a whole host of other things that will help you not only find the love that you're looking for, but make sure that it turns into a real relationship. This is a really powerful conversation. Tanya is so vulnerable and she also gets so practical, mostly because I probe her for very specific answers to what she did in her life, but it actually turns

out to be immensely useful for anybody who is single right now and out there looking for love. Before we get into the interview, find the love you want, avoid the mistakes that so many people make along the way that lead to unnecessary heartbreak and casual hookups that don't go anywhere and feel confident in the process. It is a powerful training. It's completely free and you can get a 48-hour pass to the training by going to datingwithresults.com. So go over there now before you do anything else. The second most important thing you can do today is listen to this interview right now. The first most important thing, if love or finding love is a priority for you this year, is going to watch Dating With Results. So that link again is datingwithresults.com.

I'll see you over there. And now let's get onto this interview with Tanya Radd. What's up everybody welcome back to the Love Life Club so good to have you all here with us and my very special guest Tanya Radd. I'm gonna I have Tanya and I have been friends for years so I'm going to introduce her formally to pay her the respect that she deserves, but I know Tanya unofficially through so many different Well our friendship over the years and just things we've done together including the we you produced my show on I heart radio Which is crazy. Yeah, and I just became a massive fan And we became and we became friends and over time I just, I've watched Tanya's journey just to this. It's been amazing. But for those of you that don't know Tanya, she's a nationally recognized TV and radio personality. She co-hosts On Air with Ryan Seacrest and two-time People's

Choice Award winning podcast Scrubbing In. She's an author and content creator with a passion for female empowerment, health and wellness and creating community. And she also wrote this book, The Sunshine Mind with your friend. Yes, one of my very best friends. A hundred days to finding the hope and joy you want. So we'll talk about this. We have so much to talk about today. I have a whole page of notes of things that I want to go through with you. Yeah. This is really cool because I feel like you're somebody that I really admired throughout my entire journey of career, but also like my love life. And I feel like you've been there for me through so many ups and downs and like

even though we were never like we were never best friends by any means but I always knew that I could count on you and that if I needed something you were there and so it's really cool to be here and be doing this today it's special yeah it's special and I feel like I and everyone has a lot to learn from you because you're one of those people in life that has a certain energy and a certain level of positivity that I don't know if it's always come naturally to you, but it's been there for as long as I've known you. And I haven't perhaps seen you on your worst days. Yeah. Well, you've seen me in some pretty rough ones. I have seen you in some life. But there is this kind of persistent theme of positivity in your life that I think is a great place for us to start in terms of looking at how do you maintain that in a time in your life where you know that there's a big thing you want in life. You want to find love. And for most people, if they're honest,

it's not like one of 10 to-dos. It's not like, you know, I want to get fit. I want to get good at yoga. I want to clean my house. I want to find love. I want to, like, finding love is like... I know. It's like it's at the top of your to-do list

and yet it's like the thing that you can't just check off your to-do list which makes it the most frustrating thing in the world and it's also it's so deeply important to people it goes to the heart of what they want in their life well it's sharing life and I think that's what we were put on this earth to do you know we weren't put on the earth to just live alone we were meant to be in community and be with someone and share it and so I think that's why at least for me that's why it was so important. Like I didn't, I was going through all these milestones and I didn't have anybody to celebrate with. And so that was like, not so fun. And that that's also been, it's funny because while I say a consistent theme of knowing you has been your positivity, a consistent theme of knowing you has also been always knowing how important that was to you.

Yeah. To find in your life. Oh, it was number one. Yeah. It was number one. And I was never shy about it. That's the thing I think, you know, I always talk about being a modern woman and I feel like to me that embodies doing what you want, doing what your heart desires.

You know, it's not about being the alpha female and doing all the things. It's about doing what you want, what feels right to you. And for me, I always wanted to find a life partner, you know, like I wasn't embarrassed to admit it. I gave it everything that I had, you know, and I really like, I treated it like a job at one point. Cause I was like, I can really accomplish stuff in my career when I like stick to it, you know? So I was like, I got to just treat it like I treat my job. And I was just like going at date after date. And, um, so I was never shy about, you know, admitting that that's something that I really desired, but I went through it. Do you find people toning down their desire for that?

Yes. In circles because they want to appear cool or indifferent or just like there's not a desperation about them. And so they're almost unwilling to even face how much they want that. Yeah, it's interesting because I feel like the culture has shifted to be like, you know, that girl boss mentality and like, I don't need a man. And it's true. Like, I actually like, I don't need a man. I'm very independent.

I'm self-sufficient. I am whole on my own. But I always wanted a man. I'm very independent. I'm self-sufficient. I am whole on my own, but I always wanted a man. I wanted a partner. I wanted somebody to live life with. And so I think there's a difference in needing a partner and wanting a partner. Yeah. And so I think that, but it is, there's this, there's this kind of the culture right now is I don't need, I'm independent, but I think the two can go hand in hand. Practically, how did that look in the way that you would speak that, you know, when you talk to people about wanting to find love, was there a, I almost want to imagine how language wise did you speak about it in a way that didn't make you feel like I need this or I'm desperate

for this, but made you feel like you could express authentically what you actually wanted? I think because I really didn't care what people thought or what anybody thought, you know, like I would get the random comments of, you know, you're so desperate. You're always looking for a man. You need a man's validation. And I'm like, yeah, I'm looking for a man. For sure. I'm the first one from women or from men, women, women. Yeah. It's actually pretty interesting. My like audience on the podcast morning show and online digitally is 98% female. It's pretty high. Yeah. Especially when you can see like the analytics on Instagram, even in the morning show with Ryan, that one's one's more 50-50. Right, right, right. But still, like my Instagram, you know, like you can see all those metrics and stuff. I think there's like five men that follow me. I'm one of them.

And you're one of them. The men that follow me are like you, my boyfriend, my dad. Like, yeah, it's very interesting. So, yeah, the comments would come from women. But again, those were few and far between. I do. I will say I've had a really great experience with social media. I know there's like a negative connotation around it right now, but for me, it's been

a place of community, you know, like like-minded women sharing experiences, asking for help. It's been really beautiful. What was your experience of dating? Like in the difficult times where like, was there ever, ever a moment where you lost faith and you went, I like, I'm starting to question whether I'm ever going to find someone or did you, were you able to hold onto that? You know, it's interesting because I was single and dating in L.A. for like seven years, eight years maybe before I met my current boyfriend. And that's a long time in a pretty wild city. And it's so funny because it's like you hear all these stories and I'm like, I literally lived them. I met a guy on Wilshire Boulevard, like in the car.

I met guys out at clubs. I was set up with people. I made out with celebrities, people that came on my podcast. I mean, I did it all. Do you know what I mean? Like I really tried, tried it all. And what did it deflate you? Like, were you able to enjoy it? Cause I, I feel like there's this rhetoric that we need to learn how to enjoy being single, which if you were able to manage that we need to learn how to enjoy being single, which if you were able to manage that, I want to hear about that. Like what were the elements that allowed you to enjoy being single? But obviously there are times where we don't. So maybe we start with what do you think are the key elements to enjoy being single while you are single?

Were there any practical strategies that you would recommend for enjoying the process more? So I think when I first became single, I went through like a really horrible heartbreak. And I think when you go through a really horrible heartbreak, you're just like, I want to, I want to date someone now. I want to find them now. So I think I was like on this husband hunt and I was dating in a way where I felt like I was interviewing people. Like I was at a job, you know, like, Oh, do you have a job? Okay. Check. Do you have a good relationship with your family? Check. And that was really problematic because when they weren't meeting my expectations or this like list that I made, it would just kind of crush me. And I was just kind of going through guys like that.

And it felt very transactional and not really genuine. And I think that when I flipped the switch and I was kind of really, things were really working out for me in my career. So I was going all in with work and things were really moving good in that direction. And so I felt really good and confident in that. And so I was like, okay, I'm just going to date for fun. I'm just going to have fun. I'm going to say yes to anybody, to anything. And it really took the pressure off. And so when I would go on a bad date, I was like, whatever, it was just a date instead of, I think sometimes we say no to so much that when we go on a date, you put so much pressure on it because you don't, you aren't going on dates often. I was going on dates so often that it was like, if I met someone, it didn't really

work or click. I was like, it's okay That's really interesting Did but there were moments for sure especially because it is a double-edged sword I get to have community in life You know like I talk for a living and I engage with people regularly and I'm sharing my story and it's beautiful and it's fun to connect with people in that way, but then there is You get invested but also other people are invested and then when it doesn't work is, you get invested, but also other people are invested. And then when it doesn't work out, you know, when I'm going a couple of dates with somebody, I never really felt pressure, but if I started really dating somebody and it didn't work out, I would feel

double disappointment, you know, because I'd feel sad for myself. Then I felt like I was letting other people down in their journey too, in a weird way. Oh, like literally the people listening to you, you felt like, cause they rooting for you that was hope for them yeah and then you were letting them down yeah and it happened time and time and time again and so it's just kind of like yeah imagine how taylor swift feels i'm pretty up there with her I feel it but yeah you're saying to that level just the scale yeah oh the scale of like they're saying the amount of knowing you're oh you're up there in terms of the number of people you cycled to yeah I was like I feel like I probably got her beat in that sense but yeah the the pressure I actually genuinely do feel bad for her because

there is a crazy can I'm one of her fans i'm obsessed with her like i live through her lyrics like you feel them and so you get deeply deeply invested and i feel like that's probably why with her last relationship it was so off the radar because it was just so much pressure i feel like though that that's like Taylor Swift is so unbelievably unrelatable for 99.9% of people. But the thing we should take as gratitude from hearing that is just that we don't, for most of us, don't have that pressure of like, if you're watching right now, you probably don't have the pressure of if it doesn't work out with this person over the next four weeks you don't have to undo a perception with the whole world it's almost worse when it's your family you know like it's like the family gatherings when are you meeting someone why are you you're such a catch why are you still single that's interesting the dating world i'm like oh you try it do you think what i'm curious about that do you that, how much information should you give to your family in those early stages with someone?

Because there is this feeling of, and the moment I tell my friends, the moment I tell my family that I'm seeing someone, that all of a sudden it takes on a life of its own. Yeah. And I feel like I don't own it anymore and I don't own the speed of it anymore. Yeah. Because now other people are kind of egging me on, amping me up and it's almost like I feel like sometimes the other person can feel that energy shift in you that you now told people and they've got you worked up. So now instead of going from date four to date five, you go from date four to date 10 in your mind.

So it's funny you're asking me that because i have no boundaries no filter it was like i told everybody when i was just going on one date with somebody you know me i feel like that can backfire so badly for sure because it's because it's just i don't even even with business i don't tell people things that might happen. Yeah. Because I'm just like, until it happens, it's not exciting. It's not, I, even for me, I would be like some big media thing would come along and they'd be like, we want to talk to you about this. I wouldn't tell anyone on my team or I wouldn't tell anyone in my family. I wouldn't, because I'd be like, it hasn't happened yet.

It doesn't count until it's in the books. Like it's not. it hasn't happened yet. It doesn't count until it's in the books. Like it's not. But happened yet. Well, that's such a like relative phrase, you know, because it's like, no, this person's not my husband yet, but it's all part of the story. Yeah. But it's only a story if it goes somewhere. Not true.

Every chapter is a chapter in your book. Look, it's true. Here's where the, to me, if something comes along in my life, that's looks exciting. Yeah. Like if I get asked to go and meet with someone about something and it's a big deal, maybe. Right. I try to just take, when I'm speaking to people close to me about it, I go, you know what? And I'm not sure this works for a first date, but I go, it's just a compliment that I'm in the room. If it doesn't go anywhere,

it honestly doesn't matter. The fact that I'm at a stage in my life where I got invited to that room, that's already the win. That's probably the healthier place to be. Yeah. Cause I'm like, I'm not telling you because I want you to get excited about where this could go. For me, it's nothing right now, but how cool to be invited. Now, I don't know if that works on a first date, uh, because we shouldn't value a person that highly that we don't even know. But I do think there is a danger in allowing other people to amp us up. So, um, that must've at some points allowed you to get more excited than perhaps good for you. That's what I'm saying. It's probably, it's definitely healthier to be the

way that you are. I definitely wouldn't encourage anybody to, to be the way that I am, but unfortunately, or fortunately I am the way that I am. And I just, I get overly excited about stuff. So how then do you deal with the deflation when it didn't go well in your single life? What, what were your strategies for picking yourself up when that person didn't call when it like, you're like, Oh my God, I was so excited and nothing happened. It didn't go anywhere. I had this journal and I don't know when I started doing this, but I had this journal and I would come home. I called it my dear future husband journal. Are you cringing? Just hearing that phrase. And so anytime I came back from a really bad date, I would go and I'd

sit in my bed and I'd open my dear future husband journal. And I would just write to my dear future husband, whoever it would be, uh, things that I knew he would validate in me that didn't happen on the date. So, or like, let's say I went out with this guy, I went out with this guy actually a couple of times. I really liked him. Um, but he was very, um, intimidated by my career. He wasn't on the same page. And so that's what ultimately ended our dating relationship. And I remember I came home after that, after we ended things and I wrote to my dear future husband about how proud he was going to be of me for my successes in my career, um, how much he would admire me for being ambitious and being independent. And so I would write all this stuff to my future husband that I was lacking in

that relationship or whatever. And so I would just write about it and it would put me in a more positive head space than like coming home and like calling my girlfriends and being like, you know, I definitely did that too sometimes, but I feel like turning it into a positive and having that journal and that space to kind of flip it into something that I knew would come to fruition at some point and really helped me have a positive spin on things. I think that that's the loveliest question I can think of that you could have put in that journal because that idea of what will my future husband validate in me that that person didn't. Or like, yeah, value in me.

Or value in you. That's such a powerful question because it's about being seen. And I think so many of us forget in dating when we're in this kind of egoic mode, that doesn't mean arrogant, it could mean egoic in the really negative sense like we think we're worth nothing but this egoic mode of trying to impress someone or worrying that we won't be impressive to someone and in all of that worrying about whether I can get someone or not we forget how important it is to just find someone who actually sees us and by definition the person who we go on a date with where it doesn't go anywhere hasn't seen us yeah and they haven't seen us and gone they either haven't seen us at all or they haven't seen us and gone this is like seeing this person just makes them even more compelling to me yeah

so I love that idea of oh this person that I was just on a date with did not recognize my value in the way that I would want them to, or they didn't recognize what I value. Correct. My dear future husband will. That's really cool. So you would do that when you got home from a date, how quickly would you get back on the horse with stuff like that? Would you? It depends. So if it was like something quick couple dates I would just keep it going I didn't really I didn't have seasons of life where I was really over it you know if I really got invested with somebody and something happened um I would take a beat I would take a

break and give myself some space so I don't know it would depend on like how much I liked the person but I just kind of kept open door policy. How did you find people? Cause I, cause there's a lot of people out there who just struggled to even get on a date. I know. And you know, I remember you telling this, it wasn't to me. It was like, I think I came to a seminar or something. And I remember it just so vividly. And I, you can say it how you do it. Cause I probably butcher the numbers, but the gist of it was if you meet a hundred people, how many of those hundred are you going to be attracted to? Let's say 50 being generous out of those 50. How many of those are you going to be compatible with?

And like the number kept going like lower and lower and lower. And I really stuck with me because you were like, if you want to meet someone, how are you going to meet someone? If you're not actually meeting people. And that really like resonated with me because it's so true. Like it's such a desire of so many people's hearts to find love and to find somebody, but we're not actually meeting people. We're like living our lives, working, coming home, making dinner, going to bed, watching TV, like not socializing. And so it becomes hard to meet someone if you're not meeting anybody and so I remember that and I was like it's just a numbers game at this point so how did you up your

numbers like what did you were you on dating apps a lot were you doing it were you going out a lot like what for you worked in terms of getting that many days well I guess what worked was the dating app because I met my boyfriend on a dating app, but I was available in every way, shape or form. If anybody wanted to set me up, it was yes. I would anybody, I knew tell people like, Hey, like I'm looking for love. If you know anyone set me up. Yes. Uh, people I met on airplanes, if I like hit it off with somebody at an airplane, do you have any, you're so nice. Do you have any nephews or, you know, depending on who it was? Uh, Oh, like it wouldn't even be them. I would meet like a woman on a plane next to me and she had sons.

And I'm like, if there's, you know, here's my handle. That's really cool. What else? Gyms, workout places. I mean, I was really open. When you were meeting people in gyms, what was your kind of way into talking to people? Like you don't strike me as someone who has a hard time striking up a conversation. Yeah. Maybe I'm overestimating how little or underestimating how little anxiety you have in

those situations. Um, I'm trying to think back on like, I've asked out a couple of people who had girlfriends, which was like, so was that like, you literally, you saw them and went straight. Yeah. When you're in a workout, if we were in a gym, you're like just working out. You don't know, you know what I mean? Unless they're wearing a ring, which, you know, if they're not married, they're not wearing. And I would just like eye them. And then eventually I would like be like, Hey, like, do you want to go get, I'm going to go get a juice next door. And then it would turn into like, they'd come with me to go get a juice. And then they'd be like, I'm going to get one for my girlfriend. And I'm like, Oh yeah. Okay. I remember I hit on somebody, it was like my knee doctor or

something. And I was like, he's so cute. And, uh, I couldn't tell like what his situation was. Obviously he's like a doctor. so he's not giving me anything. And I said something about, we were talking about farmer's markets. And I was like, oh, yeah. I was like, I love farmer's markets, too. I was like, we should go sometime. And he mentioned something about a wife. And I was like, ugh.

But, you know, it does. Well, firstly, just to rewind for a second, when you would talk to someone in the gym, like as a general pattern, would you start talking to them first and then midway through the conversation be like, I'm going to get a juice? Or would you literally open with, I'm going to get a juice if you want to come with someone you didn't know? The second one, it would be... Oh, you'd literally just go straight up and be like, hey, we don't know each other, but

I'm going to get a juice. No, no, no. I would warm it up. Like I would, I always would be friendly and smile and wave if i thought somebody was cute and i would do that a couple times so that hopefully they would like get the point and then i would like go in for it so would that mean like you would be i'm just curious about these things because i feel like people in these situations it always sounds so scary so scary they don't never quite know what does someone else do like when you say you would smile and wave what would you literally smile and

wave or would you like how would you get someone's attention without feeling yourself like this is so hard like I feel so awkward or I feel so weird I don't know this person I'm speaking to them what walk me through you're right because I guess I wouldn't wave like now that you say it I'm speaking to them. What walk me through? You're right. Cause I guess I wouldn't wave like now that you say it, I'm like, I wouldn't be like, hi, it's kind of creepy. So, okay. So let's say you're walking into your gym class and you see somebody that you think is cute. Eye contact is key. I would always make eye contact and I would smile and I would do it several times throughout the class. So if I ever like saw him and we ever made eye contact, I would look at him and I would smile. Um, that was like a big one. And then you can get like

the vibe too. If somebody is not interested, they're going to, and you make eye contact and smile and they don't want to talk to you. They're not going to keep making eye contact with you. Um, so I did, I met a couple guys that way. So if you, so you are in that class, you keep looking, they keep looking back, you're smiling, they're smiling. Yeah. And it's obviously somewhere that you go often. Right.

So you're feeling like, okay, maybe there's a vibe here. They keep looking back. What do you do? Like you go off the, like at the end of the class, tell me what you do next. Yes. So then it will depend on like where your class is. I go to this one workout class where there's like a smoothie thing right across the way. And so I would walk up to them and say, hey, I'm going to go grab a smoothie.

Do you want to come with me? And it's not so intimidating because it's literally right there. You don't have to like get in your car. It was just like right there. And you've made a lot of eye contact. There's been all those non-verbals. In my mind, the door is open. Right.

Yeah. Right. And like sometimes it works. I mean, I went on a date with one guy that I met at the gym and the date was so horrible we had absolutely nothing in common and it was a horrible date not in the sense that it was like nothing was wrong with him he just was not the guy for me um but I mean I like that's how you do it do what was your kind of hmm when they were places that you would visit regularly and they were sort of your places.

Yeah. Was there any fear that if this goes wrong, I've got to come back here. I love this gym. I like coming here. I don't want to have the awkwardness with someone. Was there any sense of that? Or are you not someone who feels awkwardness in that sense? Not with the gym because I never was like I'm at

this class every single day at this day of the week like it was always kind of random so that was never a thing I was a little cautious with work people yeah and that kind of burned me a little bit but that burned you in the moment where you weren't cautious yes and then it was awkward and then like it didn't work out and it was like, Oh no, I have to see him. Like, you know, what about like your coffee shop? If you have a favorite coffee shop, do you think that's a good place to do it? Or if you're there every day and you love it so much, should you reserve it for coffee shops that you're a tourist in rather than the one you go to every day? I never had anybody that was, I was interested in my

coffee shop. I never really had a coffee shop I was interested in, in my coffee shop. I never really had a coffee shop because I'm always like so early I make my own. So I don't really have like my place, but I could see how that would be awkward. Yeah. If it didn't work out. Yeah. I'm just curious because I feel like we have these, you know, it may sound like a very in the weeds question, but I think that something you're getting at everywhere in every way you're talking is about a real openness. And it's not just an openness that like, whatever comes my way, I'm going to explore it, which is great. But it wasn't just that it was a very proactive kind of openness. Yeah. You know, when you're willing to meet people in your gym, when you're willing to be on an app, when you're willing to tell the person on the plane

who you just had a really great conversation with, who you assume, I'm sure what your reasoning partly was, I just had a, you know, this person kind of is of my nature and they value what I value. And if that's true, there's probably people they know that are the same as them and therefore putting the word out with them. And what's the worst that can come of that? So that that's all really proactive. And I think it's actually very inspiring for people to hear what does proactive openness actually look like? Because a lot of people here like talk to more people or get yourself out there but the reason I break it down such a pedantic way is because people hearing that I

think can actually start to look at the difference between how proactive you were being and how proactive they might be being yeah right now yeah but one of the things I think makes it tough sometimes for people to be proactive in the ways you're talking about is that there's not enough kind of movement in their life it's kind of the best way i can think of saying it yeah like there's they're living the same day every day and they are going to this one spot every day and nowhere else. And, but do you know what there is now in 2023 dating apps, right? Those bad boys. I mean, you could, it's a steady flow. Talk about a seat full of people. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's one of the big advantages they offer. I actually think that it would be worth people going back to are there any ways that my life has just become a

little stagnant and I could recreate the dating app effect but in real life yeah so you know if you live in a town that has more than one gym go to a different gym once a week or go to different restaurants actually so this is actually a really good line I would use all the time when I saw a cute guy at a bar um so I had this guy friend his name was Robert and his name was Robert Graham hi Robert um and I always used him so if I went I saw a cute guy that I liked I'd go up to the guy and I'd be like hey um did we meet I feel like you're one of Robert Graham's friends and they have no idea who that was. And they would always say, no, I don't know who that is, but it would get the, get me in the door. Like, oh, I think I met you at some party or whatever. And then they'd say no. And then I'd

be like, oh, that's so weird. You look just like him. And then I'd go into like, so what are you doing here? And we would just start chatting. And that was like always my way in because it's not, it's not necessarily flirty unless it needs to be, unless I can get there, you know? And, and it was like such a good way in. Did you Robert Graham Robbie? No, no. Cause I met, I met him. Dating app is different. Oh, you met him on a dating app. So you didn't, you didn't say, do you, are you one of Robert Graham's friends? Yeah, it's different because I feel like when you're doing something on a dating app it's easier to sit you're on the dating app so it's easy to be like you're single I'm single we're here to meet it was just like a hey but when you're at a

bar you don't know you don't know if somebody has a girlfriend you don't know if somebody's married you don't know you know so it's like a good way to kind of get in there. Were there any other like Robert Graham-esque sort of lines or things that you would say or even just ways that you would naturally start talking to someone? I'm not gonna lie I used the Robert Graham line way too often. It really was like that it was Robert Graham. Yeah it was some of the Robert one um I'd say I use that like nine out of ten times unless I was like sitting next to somebody or like it just happened you know like I met some guy on Wilshire we were just driving next to each other and he asked me for directions and then we just started talking window to window and exchanged phone numbers and uh that was a weird

one um but yeah are there any I know that this isn't your area that you focus on, but I'm just curious when you think about dating apps and the way people use them, is there a mistake that you think a lot of people make on their apps in the way that they design them or put their pictures on, or even just the way they interact with people on dating apps? Is there anything you're seeing a lot that you're just like, people are like wasting their time the way they're using this? You know, what's interesting is like, I think everybody has these tips and tricks of like, you're going to make more matches if you don't have sunglasses or if you post pictures with friends and not just selfies. And there are, there are so many things that you can do, but I think at the end of the day, you're not going to say the wrong thing to the right person.

And, um, like I remember when I met my current boyfriend, Robbie on hinge, I was so over it. I just dated that guy that I thought it was really going to like go somewhere. And he's the one that was very intimidated by my career. And so I felt very like deflated from it. And I was just like, Oh, I don't want to do this. And so I kind of gave my hinge profile, the two of my girlfriends and they were the ones that were like talking to Robbie when we first matched how funny it was not me at all and I only talked to him for a day or two on the app until we met in person because I think that's the thing too I think a lot of people spend too much time on the apps I think the app is a means to an end it's just so they spend too

much time between meeting someone on an app and going on a date with that person. Yeah. I think like if it's more than a week, you, you can't go more than a week just talking to somebody. You need to like meet them because there's a lot that can change from somebody's profile to like how you feel with them. Um, so yeah, they were only talking to him for like a day or two before I met him, but yeah, it was all my girlfriends. It wasn't even me. You know, when you transitioned from being on an app to a date, was there a lot of people were like, but how well do I know someone after a week? Do I feel comfortable meeting them in person? Like what for you was the go-to kind of date that felt low pressure, easy to get out of, not, you know, just, just not like something that made you feel like, I barely know this person. I'm going on a date with them. What would you do that felt easy?

And how would you get there with that person? I think a lot of people are intimidated by dating apps because they think stranger danger, but I also think we're all strangers until we're not like, even if you meet somebody at a bar, you're a stranger. So there's not really a difference in that. Except the difference is that they're behind a screen, which is why I think you should really just like meet somebody quick on a dating app. But... Would you give out your number or would you just arrange a date on the app so that they didn't have a way to find you outside of the app?

Yes. And I would always... I either did coffee dates or a drink. And I would always say that I had dinner plans after. That's smart. Yeah. So you had an out. I had an out. And if it was going well, you stayed. And if it was going well, I was just like, whatever. I just like. Did, if someone asked for your number in the middle of that time, when you were like, I want to keep it on the app, what would you say to them practically honestly nobody ever did but

if they had uh i would say something kind of cheeky and be like we'll see when we meet in person if you're you can get the number or something i don't know but no i love that i think that's great because i love just getting your mindset on things because i think you have a really healthy mindset because i've been like in the weeds. Yeah. But it's also, I think that in the weeds is where people see those distinctions. Like someone else might have heard me ask that and they might have imagined themselves giving a slightly serious answer. You know what I mean? Like,

no, I'm not going to give you my number. Cause you don't, I don't know you yet stranger. Yeah. And then all of a sudden they've created this sort of tonally awkward situation where it's not like he did anything wrong right it's just that you're not going to give out your number yet so just

being that playful wink yeah is actually you've now used it as a what could have been an awkward moment in one person's hands in your hands has actually been a way to flirt yeah always like a wink in and out and I think also to giving people the benefit of the doubt, you know, like I know people have bad experiences with dating and stuff like that. And obviously I had bad experiences too, but giving your number out to somebody that's not going to work with is not the end of the end of the world. I remember I met a guy at Whole Foods, actually Mr. Whole Foods. And he was somebody that I would go and we'd make eye contact and I got flirty vibes. I was like, he's cute. And I did that for months, like months with this guy before I was, before I even approached him.

And one day we were sitting outside having like our meals, you know, like I was eating at one table and he was eating at the other. And my best friend, Becca was coming to pick me up to go to a concert. And I remember I was like, this is, I have to just do it. I was like, I've been making eyes with this guy for months now. I feel like it's such a nervy moment. But I knew it wasn't going to be so awkward. Cause I knew my friend was on her way to pick me up. So I was like, I knew there was an out. Always having an out is like a good key. And so I went up to him and I was like, I've been seeing you around. And like, I don't know if you're single, but I'd love to get together if you are. And he was single and he gave me his number. I gave him mine and it was like, okay, so then that's,

he was a stranger. I gave him my number and we ended up meeting for dinner a few days later. And another one that it was just like, not a match at all. Really nice guy, not a match at all. It's interesting, isn't it? Because it now feels, I feel like maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like there was a time where giving someone your, like one of your social media handles was less personal than giving them your number. And now I feel like it flipped because you just, they have access to a lot of your, like your life, your friendships, your community, your, like what you life your friendships your community yeah you're like what you spend your time doing where you spend your days where you were this morning if you give

them your instagram or facebook assuming you know your family members names your best friends so it kind of weirdly feels like we're in this place where giving them your number might be the least intimate yeah thing you could do when you meet someone like that in person. Yeah. I'm trying to think if there is an alternative. I don't think there is right. Your WhatsApp. Same thing though. Is it? I don't know. It's just your number. Oh, I don't have WhatsApp. It's just me trying to like help somebody out. All English people have WhatsApp. Um, it, yeah, no, I don't think other than like try and find me on the app yeah it's not like a a downgrade from a number when you meet someone like that

that's really cool i love the fact that you were that proactive i was very proactive if you wanted to let someone down that you had been on a date with and they wanted to see you again, did you have an elegant way of doing it? No. Because I feel like I get asked this a lot. Like, how do you let someone down if you just didn't feel it? I know. And, like, honestly, I wish I had a better response to that because that was something I really struggled with. I have a hard time not saying no. Cause I was really good about like

knowing what was going to work and what wasn't going to work. But I remember this one guy that I was dating and he was such a nice guy and we really got along and, but there was just no sexual chemistry. Um, every time we kissed, I was like, Ooh, and like thinking about doing anything else with him, like creeped me out. And I'm like, this is obviously not sustainable, but he was such a good guy. Like when you talk about like the list or whatever, he was everything on the list and, and we had friends in common. And like, so on my list, he was like the guy, uh, and I just, the sexual chemistry wasn't there. And then how do you say that to somebody? Like, how do you? Yeah. Well, that's the thing. I always feel like when people say I would have rather had the truth than being ghosted. I'm like, sometimes. Yeah. I didn't ghost. I was never a ghoster, but, uh, I wouldn't

necessarily always tell the truth. So like with that guy, I think I just said, um, I wasn't ready to be in a committed relationship. Cause I know he was like on the fast track to marriage as was I, but I told him that it was like moving too fast and we weren't really on the same page. And cause how do you say I'm not sexually attracted to you? No, I think the best you can do is say that I just, I don't feel enough of a connection or I just don't feel like we're, you know, compatible. But, you know, it is, I think it's up to that person at that point to be like, I need to, you know, more information may be more than I need here.

Yeah. If this person is telling you this. Sometimes we desperately want an answer until we get the answer. Yeah. And then we're like, I could have done without that. That wasn't very helpful to me. Learning someone didn't feel any sexual attraction to you is not the most helpful information. No, because you can do anything about it necessarily. And the thing is, I think too, what somebody doesn't like it, like at least for me too,

whenever I would get rejected and a guy didn't want to go out with me, it was like, I'm just not for him, but I'm me and I'm going to be for somebody else. Were you able to hold on to that idea? Yeah, of course. Like in the moment it hurts and you're like, it does hurt your feelings and it blows your ego. You know, I'm like, I'm not invincible, but I did have a really good sense of self and knowing who I am and what I am and what I have to offer. And so I knew that that

wasn't it for me, then like, that's fine. I'm, I'm for somebody else. And I, and it turns out I am. Turns out you are. Turns out I am. And he loves me for all the weird stuff that in the past guy said that they didn't like, or didn't appreciate or didn't value. And he loves all those things about me. Yeah. That I think is one of the most beautiful things you can discover is when you feel like you could be more of yourself with someone. Yeah. You had, there was a certain point where you decided I'm not going to sleep with someone unless we're in a relationship. That turned a lot of guys away too. Tell me about, tell me about what influenced that decision. And then I want to hear about the process of actually enforcing that

decision, which is easier said than done. Yeah. Especially when you're in the moment and like a guy's taking his pants off on top of you and you're like, ah, right. And you're like into it, you know what I mean? Like you're liking it. And then you're like, ah. So do you know who Devon Franklin is? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Do you know him personally? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's the best. And so, yeah, I'll never forget. He was a guest on The Morning Show. And I'd found him through Oprah. And I started reading his book, The Weight. And we had him on The Morning Show as a guest. And we had this moment. And I'll never forget it.

He was like, I was telling him about how I was having sex outside of these committed relationships. And I was always feeling like crap. Are you a lot of curse on this? Yeah. As much as you like. Be a sailor. I was always feeling like shit after. I would feel like shit after I had sex with someone and I was not in a committed relationship.

And, uh, he turned to me and he was saying, he's like, you're in a perpetual pattern of pain. What's the, what's the through line here? What's always happening. And I was like, I'm just, he said, you're giving your body before you're getting the commitment that you want. And I never thought of it that way because I think, you know, there is this messaging, especially with women of, you know, sow your oats and go do it. And we can be like men too. And, you know, get all the one night stands out. And I'm like, I'm not that girl. I was just never wired that way. And if you are that girl, good on you. And I have mad mad respect but that was never me I could

never have unattached sex it just was not in the cards for me I was always emotionally involved with every single person that I had ever slept with and so I was like why am I and not every guy like is like that either by the way oh it seems like a lot more. I was, no, I, I've been, I think one of the most interesting things for me was that there's a decent number of, of guy friends that I have that are very emotional that, you know, when they start dating someone, they get emotionally wrapped up and it becomes about that person and i'm trying to think whether you know maybe they're not exactly your like typical alpha male jock type yeah guy but they're lovely guys and they're great people and they're attractive and but they didn't operate like that so i think there is this assumption that every guy is a so you wrote kind of person and I think that I dated the majority of the

others so you wrote guys yeah but no I think there's more than perhaps people know a kind of guy that that feels that same way that it just doesn't feel right to them to sleep around yeah so I think when I had that aha moment it was was really this aha moment. And I was like, why I'm doing this to myself. I'm in control. This is my body. This is my life. And I'm acting in a way that I'm a victim in this. And I personally was not, I know obviously everybody's situation is different, but I was not. And so I was like, okay, from this point on, I'm not having sex outside of a committed relationship. And when I say committed relationship, I mean, boyfriend, girlfriend, like this person is committed to me. And so, uh, you know, that really weeds them out real quick. Uh, so just walk me through, all right, practically

like the same way you did with the meeting people part. Like what, what does this look like to have as a standard for yourself in a way that doesn't rob you of your warmth, the same flirtatiousness that you're so good at, the kind of part of you that is enjoying dating and being sexual. How did those things coexist with this standard practically when it comes down to it? So I'll give you an example of someone that it obviously was a turnoff for, and then someone that didn't care or like was, you know, didn't care. Uh, so the one that was turned off. So I remember I met this guy at a restaurant, um, gave him my number, uh, at like happy hour or whatever. And he asked if he could take me out

on a date. And I said, sure. I gave him my number there at the restaurant and we're supposed to go out. This was like a Monday, Tuesday. We're supposed to go out that weekend. And he called me just to like chat. And I was like, Oh my gosh, nobody does this anymore. And so I thought it was like really cool. So we're chatting and he made like a sex joke. I don't remember exactly what it was, but it was like some sort of sex joke, you know, not like crude or anything like that. And, uh, I said, Oh, and then that was my way in. I just laid it on. I was like, Oh, well, I don't have sex outside of a committed relationship. And he goes, neither do I. And I was like, Oh, that's so cool. But I got player vibes from him.

Like I kind of got the vibe that like he was just doing what he was doing a lot. And so I was like, Oh wow, you don't either. That's so cool. And you know, whatever. So we finished our chat that night, never asked me out again. Like never actually even went out on the date with me because I think he was like, I'm not going to get what I want and just didn't follow up, which is fine. Um, kind of at least, at least it's not someone wasting your time, right. Or pretending to be, well, he pretended to be something else for five minutes. The funny thing is though, is that he's actually friendly, like in this like circle network of my boyfriend, my current boyfriend. And so I see him around. I'm just like, that's so good. Cause I

know that he is like the player, you know, that I was totally being bamboozled. But, um, so that was really funny. And then with other people, I would just kind of mention, it does kind of, I feel like when you're dating it, it, it, it sounds more awkward to like, talk about it now than when you're in the moment. And I think, cause people ask, you know, how's your dating life been? What's it been like? Um, and I was never really shy about expressing that was something that was important to me. And that's actually something that a lot of women have reached out to me since I've been sharing all that, that I've reached out to me saying that they started, they started doing that too, because they realized themselves that they were in this perpetual pattern of pain. Um, and they wanted to take their lives back into their

hands and be in control. And so that's something that I think a lot of people have really, especially resonated with, with my story. How early would you say it? Like when, when would you feel was, did you wait until, I mean, in that case, it kind of, you found your moment in him making a sexual joke. Yeah. But in general, in the absence of that. Yeah. Would you say it at the point where things started to get a little more heated or would you say it in casual conversation on a date?

On a date. I never said it. Anybody that I got heated with knew going in where, yeah. How did you get to that conversation on a date? Like what would be a way that you would find a way to insert it? And how would you say it? Um, so great. It's like hard to remember exactly how things went down, but I remember I met this one guy, he was a guest on my podcast and so he didn't live in LA. And so we kind of started talking and dating over FaceTime, which is weird. Cause it was like pre pandemic, you know, like nobody was really, you know, zoom dating was not a thing. Uh, but we started FaceTiming a lot and

getting to know each other and it's conversations do go in that direction. I think in an easier way than I, than you realize. Um, but when I would talk about my story and my dating life, I would just say, I made this decision to not have sex outside of a committed relationship. And some, you know, some guys would say, well, then I got to wipe you up tomorrow. Or like, you know, they would like make a joke about it. I'm trying to think of other like reactions that I would get. I had one, a couple of guys that were like, really, it was like not even a thing. It was like, cool. Were there any that in the moment you could visibly see, like he no longer wanted to be there?

Yes. Yeah. There was one guy I remember that I dated and I, his nickname was big D cause he like word on the street is he had a big D. Right. Yeah. Literal right from the start. Yes. Yeah.

Uh, he didn't take it so well. Not so well. Like again, I never was. Big D's not used to that. Big D is not used to that. Yeah. No, no, no. He wanted the D.

That's not his speed. Yeah. D is not used to that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. He wanted the D. That's not his speed. Yeah, it was not his speed. But again, like I never was, it was never, I was never treated in a way that made me feel small or made me, I was very, I don't know what the word is. I was very assured and confident in the decision that I had made. So whatever reaction I got, I was totally fine with. Yeah. Yeah. But it was hard. Like some guys, obviously they knew, especially even like with my, my current boyfriend, um, he was really loved it. Like he really admired that about me. He

didn't pressure me in any way. Um, but when you really start to date someone, you get physical, you know, and there's ways to be physical without having sex. So for you, sex meant not then feel free to take a left turn, but for you, sex meant penetration, right? And other things were game. Yes. It was like, that's not a place I go. And that's what a relationship. How did you kind of make that this, I mean, it sounds like an obvious question, but at what point, like say with Robbie, did you realize, or he realized it's cool now because we're in a relationship? Like, did you have that conversation? No, it's interesting because I remember we did it before we were in a committed relationship and that was really hard on me. And it wasn't, again, it wasn't,

it was just in the heat of the moment, you know? And like, I knew, I think really early on with him specifically, he was it for me. And so I just let myself kind of feel safe in that space. And, um, and it was something that he didn't take lightly either. He never wanted to like go there. And it was me, like, it was all me that went there. was gonna say how do you feel because because that like I had decided on him and I felt safe in that space it's like from the outside that sounds like a really dangerous logic yeah because it's the kind of logic that people use to sort of make their mind up about someone before that person is actually invested in them yeah at the level that they want them to actually. It kind of brought us closer because we were able to have that like serious conversation right after about it. And I said, I feel like I let myself down. I made this promise to myself

and I feel like I let myself down. I don't regret it. I'm really happy and I'm really happy with where everything's going, but I don't want to do this anymore until we're in a committed relationship. And he was like really respectful. That's beautiful. Yeah. How long was it between that moment and feeling and being in a relationship? Probably a month, probably a month. And in that time you were like solid in terms of not going to go back to that place. Yeah. Yeah. I think even the way that there yeah yeah i think even the way that there's nuance even in the way that you approached that right because i would argue not that you were ever doing it as a tactic it was always just a standard that you had but i would argue that

in that relationship it served its purpose because you had he was already very aware of the fact that this meant something to you right and that you weren't up for a situation where it meant nothing right so when you did do it it didn't take away from the fact that he realized that that was a significant thing for you yeah so regardless of whether you internally felt like you let yourself down message received this was important to you and we just did it right and then afterwards what I really love about what you said is that I don't I'm I'm happy I don't regret it you know I had an amazing time whatever I just feel like I let myself down on a standard I have I think that's actually a beautiful um I would call it a unique pairing yeah to, you know, I feel something that I don't

want to feel about how I let myself down, but I also feel like, you know, I don't want you to think I'm not kind of in a way owning the experience. Right. Yeah. It's really interesting when we make these promises to ourselves, you know, like we're not, we're all imperfect human beings. And I think that we're going to mess up, you know, and I think when you make these promises to yourself, it's okay that you're going to go through life and things are going to shift and things are going to happen. And I think I let myself feel that, you know, like, okay, I felt like I disappointed myself, but it's okay.

And I'm going to move forward. And I still feel really strongly about you. I don't regret my decision. Yeah. You, um, were saying to us earlier about having certain dating patterns that you had to assess and it could be, you know, an example, dating unavailable people, people that weren't appropriate because they were far away or can you queen of that can you speak to that and why and then what i want to do is go to some questions because i think it would be great i know people there'll be some amazing comments in the chat here i want to get some some questions from everyone, but that experience of continually dating

people that in that example are not even in the same state, let's say, what was driving that and how did you stop doing that? So I read this other book that's called Calling in the One. Have you heard of it? I have heard of that. Yeah. It's an old book, right? It's been around a minute. Yes. And it's like a seven week workbook. And I remember

I did it. It's like homework every night. And I love that type of stuff. And that's when I realized my patterns. I hadn't even realized it, but I think, so I went through this heartbreak, this man that I thought I was going to marry. I was 25. So when, and he was my everything, like I didn't have an identity outside of him. I'm literally a completely different woman today than I, than that person. So when we broke up, my life felt like it imploded. I didn't know what I liked to do for fun. I didn't know what I wanted to do in my career. I didn't have friends of my own. I didn't even go to stuff alone. I had to go to a wedding and I was like, I don't have a date. Like, this is so weird. I didn't know how to do anything alone. So I built myself up

from that point. Right. And I became so independent and like very good in that season of life. Like I would go everywhere alone. I didn't want to bring any, anybody anywhere. I liked doing stuff alone. And I think what in that process, what I. I liked doing stuff alone. And I think what in that process, what I was doing was I was guarding myself because I think I really didn't want to let anybody in to hurt me that way again. And so when I did start dating, I would date guys that lived in New York, that lived in Texas, that lived in Chicago. And I'm very rooted in LA and my career is very rooted in LA. My family lives around here. So there was no way I was moving. And I was dating these people that it was just like a dead end.

This was unconscious. Totally unconscious. Totally. And, uh, I didn't even realize it until years later. And I was doing this workbook because I was writing out the patterns of all these people. And I was like, Chicago, New York, New York, Dallas, Austin, New York. So that for you was a way of avoiding essentially what could come with a real relationship. Correct. Being dependent on somebody again, needing that person again. If they're so far away, we can never get that close to where I can get that hurt again. So I think I was really

just trying to protect myself subconsciously. I didn't even realize I was doing it. Did that same pattern apply to dating assholes? Like, did you find that you dated people who were not, you know, you kind of almost, it was easy to let them go or to know that it wasn't going anywhere because they were a certain kind of person. I, you know, the, the barrier was not that they were in Texas. The barrier was this person's never going to be serious. And you kind of know it from the beginning or did you not have that? I didn't have that. I was never attracted to the bad boys. Um, I had a couple of them, obviously there was a couple, a handful handful of them but I'd say for the most part I dated pretty solid guys so your way of putting of of putting distance was physical distance yeah like the only

ones that I was really into were the ones that were far away and was that would you say you were meeting people that were as good as them in person or that you weren't even, you were kind of blind to people that were in your vicinity? Blind to people in my vicinity. Yeah. Like I'd meet this guy. I remember I met the guy from Dallas and I was like, Ooh, he's cute. He's from Dallas. Perfect for me. Where did you meet him? On an app or on a... No. So he, we had mutual friends. So like I have a girlfriend that lives in Texas who has a brother and he was one of the brother's friends got it did you meet him here in la or over there yeah so you met him here knew he was from dallas correct and then it's kind of i i understand that

feeling completely because it's like the moment you realize that it's not an option you can start kind of glorifying them fantasizingizing, idealizing and going, well, what could it be if it could only work out? Oh, damn, it can't work out. Yeah. Yeah. It's weird, right? It's fascinating.

Yeah. Because so much of this is unconscious and we don't realize the extent to which we just make people interesting because... And my friends would always tell me like why are you even going there this guy doesn't live in LA and I'm like you don't get it it's hard it's hard dating in LA yeah that would always be like my thing yeah that's really what made you realize this book yeah and then was there a way that you kind of you know because it's one thing understanding that but then to consciously

shift and go, I'm going to do something different. Like what was the something different for you? So the other pattern I realized in this book was, um, I think being respected as an equal was like a huge thing for me as a, as a woman, it was something my mom really ingrained in me, um, growing up. And so I think when I would meet guys, I would always, it would always need to be like on my schedule. Like we have to meet at five 30 because I have to go to bed because I have work early. And it was like, I was so rigid in that because I wanted that respect because I felt like I didn't have that in my past relationship, that, that equal respect. And so I was so adamant about it it and I think to a point where it was maybe

not so nice of a feeling you know yeah it gave off the wrong impression than the one you actually than the thing that was important yeah so I remember I that was like another thing and so I was really um aware of that and so when I started dating after I learned about my patterns I was more of a collaborative effort of like, what time works for you? What days work for you? Okay. That doesn't, you know, it was like, so that less that instead of me being like, I only have this day in this time. Otherwise I can't see you. You know, it's great. Was there, I haven't, I have one more question. I'm going to save it because I have so many, but I want to, we have some amazing questions that have been sent in

by our members. So we'll go to our members questions section of this before we do that, because people on the podcast are going to be hearing, um, this part of our conversation. Can you tell us what the book is about? Cause there's going to be so many people who are listening to this conversation and understand that I think with you, it's hard not to be, it's hard to be around you and not to feel like there's a mindset to be modeled. Like, even though you don't pretend to have all the answers about things and you're very, you're very vulnerable about saying, well, this worked for me. It might not work for everyone, but this is what I did. And so on. There's a, there's a mindset with you that everyone would benefit from modeling, whether it's the positivity, whether it's the way that you go through life, taking chances,

whether it's the way you find a way to move on from rejection or from hurt. It's really inspiring. Thank you. How, for anyone who's hearing that, what, where does this book go from our conversation today that you think would help them? So it is a faith-based book. So it is very much a standard devotional. And that means it comes, there are some Bible verses and it is, but the thing is what I really wanted to do is because I am a woman of faith and I always felt like every devot is what I really wanted to do is because I am a woman of faith and I always felt like every devotional wasn't really speaking to me. And I really wanted to speak to the modern day woman who's going through life on dating apps, who has ambitions in her career.

And so I really wanted it to be kind of this, why we called it the sunshine mind is because it is a mindset and it is the perspective that we choose to look through. And so I put really practical things in there that I do every single day. Like the way I start my day, um, the way I start my year, every single new year's Eve, I'd make a vision board and kind of write about that. The way that I date, um, the way that I handle conflict with coworkers in the office, you know, it's like practical everyday stuff that we're dealing with and kind of my out of the box approach at it, you know, body issues, um, beauty standards, kind of all that stuff. And I think the thing is, that's pretty awesome is with, I wrote it with my best friend, Raquel, and she, we have different perspectives. She's a little more, I'm a little more out there

and I do weird things, you know, like I write affirmations and I put them on a post-it if I'm feeling sad. So I see it every day. You know, some people are very visual. She, Raquel is very, the opposite. She's a little quieter, a little shy, not shyer, but a little quieter. She has like a different way of dealing with things. And so you get different perspectives, which I think is good. Um, but I really wanted it to be a kind of all encompassing handbook in that way. That's very digestible. So it's like, you know, the chapters are a page or two. That's amazing. And why a hundred days? I'm curious. The hundred was, uh, uh, we were going to do 365 and then we were like, that seems crazy. Um, and then, uh, it takes, you know, it's like 90 days to start a habit. And so we figured we would

do a hundred just felt like a good number. That's really cool. Yeah. That's really cool. And I see, yeah, it's two pages a day. I mean, I, so you'll get like a real life story and then you'll get like a practical way to kind of implement it in your life. And I, I, so you'll get like a real life story and then you'll get like a practical way to kind of implement it in your life. And I think that, you know, I always believe that you learn from everywhere and there's a structure here that is not, you could be faith-based or not have a faith or have a different faith. You're still going to take everything you say is there's a honesty and a vulnerability to it. And so much of what you're talking about here and in the book is translatable and universal.

And you know, what's interesting is I wanted to write a dating book just about all my stories because I'm like, these are really just, I mean, every guy had a different, you know, Mr. Wilshire, Mr. Whole Foods, Big D, you know, I had, I mean, you go, I could give chapter to every guy that I dated. And what's interesting is that book didn't make the cutting room floor. Like I worked. So, and you know what it's like to write a book. It's, it was a proposal at the time, but it's a lot of effort and energy and a lot of you. And so to have it, to have nobody want it, it was very heartbreaking, but what's weird. And so that's how this book was born. I started, I was like, you know what? I want to do something totally different and started writing this book.

But what's interesting is when I was doing the dating book proposal, I just started dating my current boyfriend, Robbie. And I was like, I feel like my dating book doesn't have like the punch at the end. You know, like it didn't have that, like that thing. And so it's really funny because I feel like I probably will write that book at some point down the line and it's going to have a very different like ending to it I think you've got a ton of content from this conversation here for your book because it's really good stuff yeah it's really good stuff and it's very inspiring so before we go into questions everyone grab a copy of this.

It's called The Sunshine Mind, 100 Days to Finding the Hope and Joy You Want. So go check that out. And we're going to move on to our exclusive session for our Love Life Club members right now. Oh, that's so nice. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Thanks, Tanya. Bye, everyone. Bye.

Before we go, everybody, if you haven't already, make sure to go over to that link, datingwithresults.com to watch the one hour free training for your love life so that you can find the love you want this year. This is so important. If for you, you feel like the missing piece of your life is finding a partner. So go over there now, datingwithresults.com. And before you go, do grab a copy of Tanya's book, The Sunshine Mind, 100 Days to Finding the Hope and Joy You Want. Tanya was an amazing guest. So grateful to have her on. And if you love that conversation, you're really going to love her book. As always, when we have a guest here on Love Life, there is a special exclusive Q&A portion of this that is

reserved for our Love Life Club members. So what you'll hear is the initial conversation I had with Tanya. And for all of my Love Life Club members, you will find the full conversation and the members Q&A inside the Love Life Club members app. I look forward to connecting with you again in the next episode of Love Life.