Love Life with Matthew Hussey - (Matt Monday): Men Reveal Their Deepest Dating Insecurities

Episode Date: May 30, 2022

So, this wasn't the episode we planned to release this week. But an online conversation turned into something so unexpected that we scrapped the original plan and recorded something new, because I couldn't wait to talk about it. I asked men about their specific insecurities when it comes to early dating. And what we got back was more vulnerable and real than anyone expected. Not only that, but the women's responses to the men's candid comments were beautiful. The incredible responses also brought up some themes, which I decided to take closer look at in this episode. These include: - Men's top insecurities, including how they feel insecure about being insecure - Helpful ways to validate our partner if they feel insecure - How to manage our feelings when the insecurity we see in someone else reminds us of our own insecurities. This episode is all about bravery and kindness, and my goal is that by the end of it, you will understand and be able to relate to men a little better. Your coach, Matt --- Join our Love.Life Club and become a VIP member where you'll get access to live coaching sessions and our community of thousands of amazing women. Go to ASKMH.com and sign up today. --- Follow us on Insta @thematthewhussey --- ►► FREE guide to download: “3 Secrets To Love” → 3SecretsToLove.com

Not being attractive enough, not being manly enough, not being successful enough. We can feel insecure about those things, but then on top of that we end up feeling insecure about being insecure. Hey everybody, it's Matthew Hussey with the Love Life Podcast. I am excited to share this clip with you today. And if you want to let me know what you think or how this podcast is helping you, don't forget to leave me a review on iTunes under the Love Life podcast. Enjoy. This morning, I put up a post on Facebook and Instagram asking men specifically, what's an insecurity you have in early dating? And the responses were so beautiful and so vulnerable and so real that I felt compelled to make a video about it. Is she even into me? Wondering how I compare to the competition and her previous boyfriends? Will she be able to understand the emotions or the side of me that people don't usually

see or I don't normally let out? That I'm not good enough, says Dave, but interesting enough to be on the short list. Financial expectations. Another person says, can I provide enough? Someone else says, not being man enough. Their past relationships. Getting friend zoned. Am I too boring? Will I get found out? Am I enough and can I please her? Is she really interested in me? Third date ideas, someone says. That one really made me laugh out loud when I read it because it's really true. First date, drink. Second date, movie, third date. As a guy, you get to a point where you think, is there anything else in the world to do? That when we get past all the initial flirting and banter, she won't like what's left. Another theme is that if I show my interest, they will lose theirs. There was a comment here from Ryan who said, texting anxiety is the biggest

one for me. Purposefully spreading out response times to not come across as too available in order to keep her interest. It becomes a game, a game I don't want to play, but am forced to play. If I respond too quick, the pattern has been that she loses interest because the chase is over and she'll spend more time chasing another guy who seems less interested. Not to be too dramatic, but this is a bit like nuclear war, Jameson.

Okay. Every country has to make the other country think that it will nuke them if they have to, even if secretly they don't have any intention to. Because of, what's it called Jameson? Mutually assured destruction. Mutually assured destruction. Except in dating, in our love lives, all of this posturing, all of this game theory creates mutually assured isolation. I was really touched not only by the male responses

to this post, but by the ways that women spoke about their reaction to the men's comments. Morgan said, I'm going to start reading this thread before every date. These comments make me believe that real vulnerable men still exist. I'm here to gain knowledge from their side. I never know how a question like this is going to go down on social media. Are people really going to be vulnerable? Are they really going to be honest? Is this going to be antagonistic in the comments or is it going to bring people together? What was so beautiful about this is how profoundly it brought people together,

that it created this collective pressure valve and catharsis, where everyone got to go, we're all the same. It's a bit like everyone gets to see through the matrix for a brief moment and see how the world actually is beneath all of the facades, beneath all of the things I've been led to believe about the other gender, I now get to see who people really are. They are me. The part that really sucks about insecurity is that we can feel insecure about something. In the case of the men replying to this post, insecure about not being attractive enough, not being manly enough, not being successful enough. We can feel insecure about those things. But then on top of that, we end up feeling insecure about

being insecure. Not only am I insecure that I'm not going to live up to her past boyfriends, I'm also insecure that she's going to find my insecurity about that disgusting. That the very act of being insecure about that is going to turn her off. So now I feel insecure about this person's, about the competition from the past that I feel like I'm competing with, but I don't dare say it because if she knows that I'm insecure about that, she's going to find that insecurity a turnoff. And we're not crazy for thinking that about each other. Look, if this post proves anything, it's that there are plenty of amazing people that love vulnerability and want to see more of it. But we're not wrong for feeling like if I reveal my insecurity, that could make me unattractive.

Because there are some people that see insecurity and go, yuck. It may even have been us at points that felt that way, even though we would never describe it in such mean terms, we might have felt turned off by insecurity in the past, or even subconsciously, we might find ourselves repelled by insecurity. Now, we would think that insecurity would bring us closer together because if I see your insecurity, then I'm able to see that, oh, we're not so different. And therefore, that can help create a connection. Well, that's the positive side of vulnerability. But what if seeing insecurity in someone else reminds us of something we don't like about ourselves, something we've tried to banish from ourselves,

something we are trying to run away from in ourselves, something we are trying to suffocate in ourselves by dating someone that we think is so attractive and sure of themselves and desirable that by being with them, we will finally be enough and won't have these insecurities anymore. If I date you with all of your insecurities that's not going to get me out of my insecurities it's just going to remind me of them. I don't want to be like this in fact I hate this part of myself. I have contempt for this part of myself. I don't want to be around you, you're going to infect me with more of that. If you think about it, so many of these guys in this post are describing this feeling of

needing to play a game. How often should I text? How much should I text? How much should I reveal? How much should I show interest in this person? There's this constant feeling of I need to play some kind of a game or she is going to lose interest. She is going to decide that she's worked me out and she's going to go and find someone

more mysterious. I'm going to lose any shred of power or dignity or control over this situation and I'm going to pay the price for that in rejection. Well, when someone sticks their neck out to say something or to try with us, rather than be coy, rather than use it as an opportunity to claim power and be in control, we can encourage that effort. Someone could send us a text in the morning and rather than just reply, we could say later that day, I really liked it when you texted me this morning. It felt good to hear from you. And in that moment, someone gets confirmation.

Ah, I don't need to play a game here. I'm not guessing whether she liked it. She told me that she liked it. She told me that she liked it. And that gives me a feeling of strength in wanting to let down, put down my weapons and keep stepping forward. So many of us aren't rewarding other people's bravery. We're rewarding the opposite. Ask yourself a question right now. Do I repeatedly in my life reward kindness and bravery on the part of the people I'm trying to attract? Or do I reward the opposite of those things?

Meanness, indifference, a nonchalant, nonplussed attitude towards me? Do I respond to someone making me second guess myself? Do I respond to somebody who makes me question whether they like me? If you're someone who continuously rewards the opposite of kindness and bravery, I will tell you why you keep getting hurt in your love life. The other recipe for getting hurt in your love life while we're on the subject is if you stick your neck out in a brave way, but when someone doesn't reward that with their kindness and their bravery,

you keep sticking your neck out. A recipe for success in love is follow kindness and bravery. Be kindness and bravery, and then when you get it back, follow that path. When you don't get it back, use it as an instant signal to redirect your energy in a direction where kindness and bravery lie. And lastly, I hope this post can make us all a little less susceptible to the kind of voices, especially online, that seek to divide us by constantly making snarky or contemptuous comments about the other gender in whatever direction that goes in. Thank you so much for listening to the Love Life podcast. I really appreciate it. I know there are many podcasts you could be listening to. I'm grateful you're here with this one.

I will speak to you in the next episode of Love Life.