Love Life with Matthew Hussey - (Matt Monday): They Were Perfect… So Why Did It Still End?

Episode Date: August 4, 2025

What if the key to making love last isn’t a grand romantic gesture or constant excitement . . . but learning how to fight the right enemy? In this powerful conversation with Anas Bukhash, we talk about what it really means to be a team in a relationship, where the problem is the enemy, not each other. If you’ve ever wondered how to sustain your connection in spite of life’s challenges, this episode offers practical insights. Whether it’s learning to see your partner with fresh eyes or knowing when to let go, this is a must-watch for anyone seeking deeper, lasting love. --  ►► We're offering an exclusive NordVPN deal at https://nordvpn.com/LOVELIFE. Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guarantee.  ►►  Grab your in-person or virtual ticket to the Weekend Retreat: MHRetreat.com   ►► Join the Love Life Club: JoinLoveLife.com

You know, because it's really hard in the middle of, in the heat of an argument, in the heat of like a disagreement, it's really hard to go, hey, I'm sorry, I love you. I'm like, it's really hard. Is there a formula to make love last? Because I know it's a bit annoying and trendy when people want to simplify everything. Like, oh, give me the three tips to have a happy marriage. If it was three, everybody would be happy. So but is there like a monumental thing, such a crucial thing to make love last? Alright, listen, I'm asking the same question because I'm in a new marriage. You know, I've never been married before. I'm learning all the time.

I don't profess to be an expert in marriage. You know, I have spent a lot of time studying relationships and trying to understand what makes some relationships work and others not. But I'm learning and I'm looking to people wiser than me and who have got more reps than me for these kinds of questions. But when I see people genuinely being a team together, that to me is always like the sign.

Are they really a team? When we're having an argument, are we competing with each other? Or ultimately, are we both looking at the problem together? Whether the problem comes from me or comes from you, are we looking at the problem together and going, this, the problem is the enemy, you're not the enemy. We're a team. I think if you can be a genuine team with your partner,

which can mean also looking at what makes them happy. Like what are their needs? What makes them a happy person? Because if I've got your back, if I'm worried about what you need to be happy and you're worried about what I need to be happy, then we could both relax because we're both covered. I think people get selfish in relationships

and they get competitive when they don't really believe. If I don't really believe you've got me, then I have to get myself. And now it becomes about me. If I really feel like, if I express something that's really important to me, either now or something in the future, and you really listen to me and you're like, if this is really what you want, like, let's figure out a way. Like I want to, I'm here. If that's your dream, let's figure this out. And the same the other way around.

Then you, you breathe a sigh of relief. Cause you're like, I love that you use the word team. Yeah. And, and that's what's always funny. I see couples compete. Like it's an ego battle, right? And I think, I don't believe ego and pride so much has a place in a healthy relationship

because it's like a cancer. And in my last relationship, I remember whenever I used to argue, or we argue, I would say something like, I would put out my hand at times, which can be probably somebody wants to punch you at that point. But I would say something so similar to what you said. I'm like, I'm not fighting you. If we love each other, we like each other, we want to continue this. It's not the problem is there. Can we, instead of do this fight, can we both look here?

So when you do that, it's a sign of we're one, by the way, with us against. And I love how you also put it. So I always think in, uh, like, I think sometimes it can help to think in. like I think sometimes it can help to think in in baby steps or inches like what's the what's the inch that I can go that you know because it's really hard in the middle of in the heat of an argument in the heat of like a discipline it's really hard to go hey I'm sorry you. I'm like, it's really hard. But what's the inch that you could do? Like me and my wife, like sometimes it will be sat next

to each other and we just had an argument. And it's like, one of us will feel like the little finger of the other one, like just touch a hand. Hello. Yeah, it's like just this. And it's like the other one, like just touch a hand. Hello. Yeah, it's like just this. And it's like the other person, it's like just a tiny, tiny olive branch. And the other person's like feeling mad and they're in their active state, but maybe they feel like, okay, you just made it possible for me to like put my whole hand on your hand even though

we're mad at each other and like by these inches it's like you're each giving someone the permission to you come an inch I come an inch and it I've watched that I've experienced that dissolve solve problems and arguments that in previous times in my life took days. But I have a counter. Let's say the guy or the girl does the pinky move, right? And they actually, that's their mini one inch olive branch. And it took a lot from them, because we've been in those heated moments, and you're like, ah, okay, whatever, I'm going to try. So you do that little gesture of putting your hand on her hand or whatever.

What if she pushes your hand away? So now the olive branch that took so much of me to do just got shunned. Now instead of it mitigating the situation or diluting it, it just erupted because you're like, oh wow, so now your ego's so hurt because you went beyond your usual self. So firstly, congratulate yourself on being the kind of person that is big enough, even in those moments, to let your guard down or to put ego aside

and to extend that olive branch. Because if you can celebrate that value in yourself as a very beautiful thing, then you'll appreciate your identity as someone who is bigger than that. Because ego makes you smaller. In those moments, ego makes you smaller. You tossed away my hand.

Well, screw you. You know what? Like that now, you look bigger, but you're smaller. So celebrate the part of you that was big. And when someone, if that's their pattern that you're the one who's actually reaching out and trying to move things in the right direction and they just use that as a sign to make you work harder

because now that's gonna be their game Oh, you gave me leverage to reject you now. I'm gonna enjoy that game Having that conversation with them where you say look There's something I've noticed like When we're in the heat of an argument or when something's going wrong Even when I'm mad at you or even when I feel like maybe I'm the one in the right and you're in the heat of an argument or when something's going wrong, even when I'm mad at you or even when I feel like maybe I'm the one in the right and you're in the wrong,

I see our love or I see us as being more important. So I reach out, but when I'm the one who's always doing it, when I'm the one who's always making that first move, that makes me really unhappy because it feels like you're not, you don't show up in the same way as I do. And it's not about who's right or wrong. There's gonna be times where you might be wrong.

And I still am like like the relationship's more important and vice versa. But it hurts me in those moments that I reach out and I don't feel you doing the same thing. Like point out that pattern. Instead of allowing someone to drag you into the mud again, where you tried to have a higher moment and then you allowed them to drag you right back into the mud.

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love life for that special deal. What's the biggest killer of relationships? There's probably a couple. Ego is a big one, I think. Ego is big because ego makes you do exactly what you just said, where you play games with someone, you try and have the upper hand all the time. Lack of discipline is one that's not talked about enough. Yeah.

Tell me about that one. I think that it requires discipline to have a relationship that is in shape. It requires discipline to say no to temptation. To say, yes, there's novelty over here, but I'm actually going to find newness in this relationship I have. I mean, you've built a business, you know what it is to be committed to that path. You can't be running around doing 50 different things all the time.

You have to actually commit to building this pile. There are plenty of people who are never successful in business because they never dedicate themselves to that one thing. They're constantly distracted by the novelty of a new idea. Someone just pitched me something and I'm like, oh, maybe I'll do that instead. And it requires, you know,

before I ever was committed for life to a relationship, I was, sometimes I thought I wasn't good at commitment because I'd look at my relationships and I'd be like, I can't seem to go all in. And then I started telling a story to myself about like, maybe I just have a problem with commitment. And I was like, but I've committed to this career path for years.

I like, I have really committed. I've said no to so much. committed to this career path for years. I have really committed. I've said no to so much. I've said no to so much novelty. I don't have a problem with commitment. I'm just not applying it in this direction. And I know that in my career, that took an extraordinary amount of discipline. And to go back to your point about why do we think it's going to be any different in our love life,

I think one of the biggest mistakes we make is thinking that feeling is going to sustain us. And I think a lot of relationships fail because people, their feelings shift. And then they go, oh, I guess it wasn't the right relationship again. Hmm, but it requires discipline not just to Grit it out when you don't have the feeling and you're like, well, I don't have the feeling anymore So I'm just gonna grit through this now for the rest of my life. Hmm. Not saying that Sometimes I think when feelings come in waves sometimes when you're on a low wave you do have to do that, but sometimes the discipline is the discipline of finding the feeling again. The discipline of going, you know, what

how do I, you know, Proust said the the journey of discovery lies not in seeking new landscapes, but seeing with new eyes. It takes discipline to say, I'm going to see my partner with new eyes instead of seeking a new landscape. That takes work. It takes creativity. So I think I don't hear discipline mentioned a lot when it comes to relationship advice, but I actually think it's at the heart of great relationships.

Why do men cheat? God. I think there are far greater authorities on this than me. I'm thinking of Esther Perel as one of them. She's great. She's written entire books on this subject. I always have her in my head saying, love and desire are two things that exist in a relationship and need to be maintained

for a relationship to be healthy. If there's love but no desire, that's going to be a challenge. I think she said once that affairs are what happen when desire breaks free of the relationship. Which I think is a beautiful phrase. I think there are a number of reasons people cheat. They cheat because they have no impulse control. It's true for some people. Some people cheat because they feel trapped and they're unhappy and they either don't

see a way out or they're not courageous enough to actually end the relationship before doing the thing they want to do. Or because they want to have it both ways. So I want to pretend to have one set of principles over here, but also indulge over here. And as long as those two worlds, as long as this world doesn't ever find out about this one, I can continue to play the character that has these principles over here, but still enjoy this over here, which is I always think is a really interesting disconnect

that people are able to live with. I'm not capable of living with that disconnect. It would destroy me. I'm such a guilt-prone person anyway. Anxiety is my default. So for me, I couldn't compartmentalize in that way. It would just ruin my life. But some people can.

Some people can, some people can. And some people cheat out of insecurity. You know, I'm not, I need to feel that thing that makes me feel like I'm good enough, or I need to feel attractive, or I need to feel like I can still do this. Some people cheat because they have no character and no empathy or they have a personality disorder. So it's a big spectrum. Yeah, it's a lot of things. It's an interesting thing altogether. This is, no, this one you answered about how you navigate when someone isn't giving you the same level of effort, you talked about how you address it. This is a good one. How do you know when to let go of a relationship? You know, we

were talking about how you invest and you build and the grass is greener where you water it and then done. But when do you know, okay, no more watering. I don't this is just not right. Yeah, well, you can't we don't have we don't have 1000 lifetimes to run the experiment over and over again. So in a world where we're, you know, we only have a few years, you have to be careful where you spend those years

and how you spend those years. And so I, clearly time is a problem and we have to decide what's an amount of time that I can give to this relationship to find out whether it's right. And I heard someone once quote Christopher Hitchens who said, in life you have to choose your regrets. And if you know that you're going to regret leaving this relationship now without a little

more closure, fair enough. But there's going to be a time where the bigger regret is how long you stayed. So between those two is an amount of time you're willing to bet. But you can't bet your time in a passive way. You have to bet it in a very active way. And that means saying to yourself, okay, if I'm already, if I'm at the point where I'm considering leaving this relationship,

I'm already some way there. I'm already some way there. So this is the moment where I might as well put it all on the table if I want true closure. And that means let me be honest with myself first about what I need for this relationship to work. What am I missing right now? Because a lot of relationships end, in some ways this is a bit tragic, a lot of relationships end because someone didn't have the guts to really say what they wanted. So they'd rather leave than really say, this is what I want, this is what I desire, this is what I need.

And I think in some ways, in some ways, I don't know that this is true all the time, but we owe it to our partner to be upfront about what it is we need. Like, if I'm going to stay here, this is why, and you don't have to frame it like that, but you do have to be upfront about what's making it hard. But you also in that time have to, you have to give on a level that gives that person the best possible chance at giving you what you need. You can't sit back passively in the relationship and be a bad version of yourself who's frustrated

that they're not giving you what you need and go, I'll just give it another six months. Cause nothing will change. But if you say, right, I am gonna go all in on this for the next six months or three or whatever it is you wanna bet, I'm gonna really be the best version of myself. I'm gonna show up for this person in a way I'm really proud of.

And I'm gonna couple that with being really, really honest with them about what I need. Now, if you say to me, like, I don't wanna do that, I don't wanna like have to do all of it, then the relationship's already over. You're, it's over, you just haven't wanna do that. I don't wanna like have to do all of it. Then the relationship's already over. It's over, you just haven't admitted it yet. If the idea of for the next three months going all in

makes you like wanna run out of the room and go, no, I don't wanna do that, then it's over. If it's worth saving, it's worth putting in that effort for the next few months and asking for what you need. And maybe, maybe your partner will surprise you. Or they won't, in which case you have a new form of closure. 100%. I was absolutely honest, it still couldn't get there.

I can now leave with a sense of peace. And that's way healthier, because you don't really regret it. Like I really gave it 100%, you know? Not what if. What if is dangerous. Thank you so much for watching the video as always. If you're finishing this video with more questions,

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sophisticated this is. It's trained on 17 years of my content so you're not just getting any answer, you're getting my answer to your specific challenge. If you're in pain especially right now, I promise you that by the end of your conversation with Matthew.ai you are going to feel a lot better than you do right now. So go to askmh.com and you can try it out. You can try it out for free by the way so there's no cost just to trying it and let me know how you get on. I'll see you in the next video. Be well and love life. From navigating headlines, fentanyl poisoning more prevalent than COVID deaths, car accidents, and even suicide. To a proven strategy for success.

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