Love Life with Matthew Hussey - (Matt Monday): What To Do When They Aren’t Asking You Questions on a Date

Episode Date: September 30, 2024

“Were we even on the same date?” I’ve heard this more times than I can count when people feel frustrated that their date didn’t ask them many questions . . . or in some cases, any questions at all.   In today’s episode, I respond to a viral tiktok on this topic and talk about how to tell the difference between someone who’s self-absorbed vs. someone who is just oblivious but really is interested in learning more about you. I also give you two sample scripts you can use when you want to bring up the issue in a high-value and low-pressure way.    ►► Ask Matthew AI Your Biggest Dating Question for Free Now at. . . → http://www.AskMH.com

Making sure there never will be a silence because the idea of that silence is just so painfully anxiety-inducing for you. So you say, I'm not even sure if this guy is into me because today we are going to talk about the phenomenon of people not asking questions on dates, how frustrating it is, why does it happen and what can you do about it. Today I'm watching a TikTok video about someone who was very frustrated with the lack of curiosity, shall we say, from the guy that she was on a date with. Let's watch and see what she had to say. If you're going on a first date with a guy,

sit, listen, and ask them questions. No, because I actually did this, and after the first date, it left me feeling like I'm not even sure if this guy is into me because he didn't ask me any single question on the first date. Have any of you experienced this? Is this something that has been a frustration for you in the past? Someone literally sitting across from you, you feeling like you're doing a great job of being a

dinner partner and asking questions and being curious about this person in front of you because ultimately that's what a date is, isn't it? It's two people who are trying to get to know each other enough to know whether they want to do it again. Hmm. But I did agree to go on a second date and my best friend Sophie- I always think it's funny when people say that,

stuff like that. It was horrible. I did obviously agree to go on a second date and this is what happened on the second day sky is into me because he didn't ask me any single question on the first day but i did agree to go on a second day and my best friend sofia told me that anytime that they're silent i need to learn to shut the f up and take a sip of my water and let him fill the silence and ask me questions and then that actually is not bad advice. The idea that, you know, we ourselves might be talking too much to really create the space for someone to feel like there's a part

for them to play. When we are in the position of feeling like, you know, if we don't talk, the other person's not going to do all of the work for us. we're more likely to step into that position of asking some questions. If you relate at all to being a people pleaser, to fawning as a behavior, to feeling like you feel awkward easily, then you may have a tendency towards filling any silence, even before it's occurred, making sure there never will be a silence because the idea of that silence is just so painfully anxiety inducing for you. So you say, I'm just going to keep asking questions. And then at the end of the conversation, you go, they didn't ask me anything. Sometimes giving them a chance to, or putting them under pressure to can be a good thing.

That doesn't seem to have worked here though. Watch this. Any single question on the first day, but I did agree to go on a second day. And my best friend, Sophia told me that anytime that they're silent, I need to learn to shut the F up and take a sip of my water and let him fill the silence and ask me questions. And then we sat in silence for five minutes and both times he followed up with that. He's had a really great time. And I'm wondering, I let's's keep watching I'm wondering if we were on the same date but like of course he had a great time he was just talking about himself the whole time I mean it's really good it's a great delivery I love the idea that she let there be a silence and he just went okay and just sat there and just kept sawing his steak.

That's something you'd do. Audrey said that's something I would do. I do like not talking. Audrey sometimes does criticize me on dates for not talking at all. But in fairness, I think the charge I can avoid is the one where I'm just talking about myself. Audrey's complaint is just that I'm not talking at all. Is that fair? Yeah, she's nodding.

Yes. We do all have different communication styles. And I suppose to extract some value out of this situation, which so many people find themselves in, it's worth figuring out how do we tell the difference between someone who is displaying a very self-involved, self-indulgent, on the extreme end of the spectrum, narcissistic tendencies to only talk about themselves? And how do we know if someone just has a different communication style than us, if they themselves are nervous and them ranting on is a form of nerves

and they're never really getting around to a question because that's their form of awkwardness. Your form of awkwardness is asking lots and lots of questions and their form of awkwardness is never asking any. What I think we can stand to get better at is communicating, even hinting at some of our standards in a playful way, in a non-combative way, in a way that doesn't necessarily make things feel weird in the moment.

You should say, okay, I've asked you so many questions. I know so much about you by now. What do you want to know about me? And that's a great way to actually, well, point out that they haven't been asking you any questions or be in a playful way. It's non-combative. It's also a great way of just forcing their hand and saying, ask me some questions about me. Are you even interested in knowing anything about me? Which is a great thing to know at that stage. Do they go, oh my God, yeah. Okay. Let me ask you, How about, how many brothers and sisters do you have? Or did you grow up here? Or whatever they say.

Do they actually seem like that woke them up out of a little spell and now they're interested in asking you questions? Or does it now seem laborious to them and that they're not interested now that they're not talking about themselves, which is a more troubling sign. By the way, if you liked that script, that way of bringing it up, that was given to me by Matthew AI.

And if you don't know what Matthew AI is, it is our brand new invention where you can call, ask your question, and you will hear my voice giving you an answer to any love life question you have right now. Askmh.com is where you can go and use this brand new revolutionary tool that we have available. I do think in not all of these cases, but in some of these cases, we need to take some responsibility for saying, I am sometimes just going to take the mic. If this person is willing to kind of take the mic and talk about themselves, well, in some ways, what is a conversation? Yes, a conversation is an exchange of questions, but it's also just an exchange. If I ask you a question and you talk, at the end of you talking, I can then say, wow, that's so interesting. Yeah, that makes me think

about me in this way. That makes me think about that trip I took to Patagonia three years ago. And when I was there, I was really thinking, you can then take the microphone and freestyle for a little bit. Now, if they're not interested in anything you just said, again, that's a problem.

But if they're like, wow, okay, wow, that's really interesting. So how long were you there for? What you might find is what it needed was for you to be willing to take the mic. Don't always wait for someone to give you the floor. Instead say, you know, sometimes I'm actually just going to verbalize what I'm thinking, what that makes me think about, how that relates to me. I don't want to excuse in any of this the kinds of people, especially the gentlemen out there who this complaint is often levied against. I don't want to excuse them of that really self-involved tendency to only care about what they're saying and to only enjoy a date when they are talking about themselves

and how impressive they are. But I also think that there may be cases where the communication style is just different. I mean, if I look at the guys in my family even, a lot of the time they'll get together and the conversation will go something like, oh, so you play Mario Kart? And the other person will be like, yeah, I play Mario Kart. And then they'll talk all about Mario Kart for the next 20 minutes. And they'll come away from that and go, I just met a really cool guy. I really enjoyed meeting him. And, you know, someone in our family will go, oh, well, where's he from? Oh, I have no, I don't know. Well, what's his, has he got a family or has he got, oh, I don't know. Well, how long is he here for? I have

no idea. What's his favorite character in Mario Kart? Let me tell you. Let me tell you the build on his favorite kart. There's a kind of exchange that goes on on that level that doesn't always take the form of factual information about the person. I'll sometimes hang out with a friend for half the day and I'll get home and Audrey will say, how's their, you know, how's their marriage?

How's their thing? How's their, they've got this coming up and how's it? And I'll go, I don't know. And she'll go, well, what did you talk about for the last five hours? I don't know, but it was good. It was really good. We really, I was like, we were just talking about

like ice baths and like what they're up to this. You know, it was like, it doesn't happen the same way I know her conversations happen, which doesn't make them worse. It does sometimes mean that the person in front of you needs to be educated on the communication that you want to have, you know, speaking outside of the context of the first couple of dates. If you are frustrated with how much the person you're dating is taking an interest in parts of your life, things that are important to you, they're not asking you questions about yourself and you feel like you're always the one who's showing curiosity

about them and never the other way around, that's not something you should just ignore and say, well, we're different communication-wise in that department. You have to also pay attention to what your needs are and say, this is imbalanced. It's not fair that I always take an interest in this person and that they don't take an interest in me on this level. And that might mean sitting someone down or saying to them, hey, can we talk about something? Is now a good time? I just, it's not a huge thing. I just wanted to, it's been on my mind. So I wanted to bring it up and saying to someone is now a good time is great because what it says is I'm not going to ambush you with this thing where you're suddenly going to be like, well, why are you criticizing me out of nowhere? I'm actually

creating a space right now, a compartment of, of time for us to actually talk about this. And you've given me permission to talk about it. And if they say, okay, yeah, what's up? You say, well, look, it's not a huge deal, but it is something that has been on my mind. And I don't think you're doing it on purpose, but I did want to talk to you about it. So it's not just in my head. I feel like I ask you lots of questions about you and take a big interest in your life

and in knowing you better because I want to get to know you better. I love getting to know you better, but I don't feel like you do the same with me. You never really ask me questions about myself or my life. And I feel like I, at this point, I know a lot more about you than you know about me. And that makes me feel like you're just not interested in me. And that may not be true, but that's how it comes across to me. So I wanted to just let you know and talk to you about it. Having that conversation, it brings it all out into the open and it's not making someone a bad person and it's not making a huge deal out of it, it's allowing them the benefit

of the doubt that they don't mean badly and it may not even be something they realize. But it's affecting you. That's the important part. Like it is, it's been on my mind. This is your chance to educate someone on what you need. And in a sense, this whole video I'm making here isn't really about who's right or wrong, although clearly in conversations where one person dominates and only talks about themselves, there is a more selfish behavior on one side of that conversation. But if we take it out of

the realm of, you know, that which kind of conjures up an image of a not so pleasant person. And we just look at, there is a big communication difference here. And really the only important thing is figuring out whether someone can actually start to adapt their communication in certain important ways that can make me happy. That this person can hear something that is a challenge for me and can respond with growth to that, can respond with adapting to that. If for no other reason, then deep down, they do actually really value this relationship that we have and that they would absolutely

not let that relationship go bad for the sake of forgetting to ask questions sometimes. That's what we need to figure out about the person we're with. And if it is still early dating and it feels too early to have a very intense conversation about this and they ask you out on date three after this woman's experience of feeling like dates one and two were just very one-sided. But like of course he had a great time he was just talking about himself the whole time. You can always just pick up the phone to them and say,

hey, what's going on? I hope you're well. Hey, listen, I do want to see you again. And I have a great time with you. I think you're super attractive and you're funny and, you know, compliment, compliment. But I gotta be honest. I feel like when we're together,

I ask you loads of questions about yourself and I'm super intrigued and wanting to know about you. And I always feel like I leave the date and wanting to know about you and I always feel like I leave the date and you don't know anything more about me because you don't really ask me about me. That takes bravery. But when you're at the point that this woman is, what do you have to lose? You don't want to keep indefinitely dating someone where you feel unfulfilled by the level of curiosity and interest they take in you. But if you do think this person is attractive enough that you're considering going on another date with them,

then pick up the phone and have that conversation. And if you can still say it with a smile, if you can still say it with a little bit of a laugh and not taking yourself too seriously, you're not lecturing them. It's not your job to teach them anything. It's just your job to teach them anything. It's just your job to find out if they know what they're doing and if they can respond to a little bit

of feedback. That will tell you everything you need to know. And by the way, there's every chance that that person says, oh my God, really? I'm such an idiot. I didn't even know I was coming across like that. Yes, I'd love to see you again. And yes, be prepared because I'm going to have a hundred different questions for you. Or they'll go, well, I wasn't doing that. And I thought we were having, I'm sorry. I thought we were having it. You're going to go down that road and then you're going to go, okay. It was nice to know you. If someone really makes you feel weird about having had that conversation, especially if you had it in a nice way, then you have even more of an answer about date three and whether you should go on it.

So I hope this encourages a bunch of you to, well, A, realize that you're not alone if you keep going on dates and finding people are just talking about themselves. B, empower you to, on the date, not wait for someone to give you the microphone, but to take the microphone and to speak and not wait for someone to give you the microphone, but to take the microphone and to speak and to take up space, to make you realize that you can have standards as

early as a first date, but when you communicate standards earlier, it has to be more playful and it can be with more of a wink. And that there is a way, even if you are someone who finds yourself in a relationship with someone, to have this conversation in a way that doesn't make someone a bad person, but instead brings attention to something that has been bothering you to see whether it can get better. Don't forget to ask Matthew AI a question if you haven't already. Askmh.com is the link for you to be able to do that. You know, if you finish this video and you go,

God, I have a question I'd really love you to make a video on. Go ask Matthew AI right now. I guarantee he, it, clone me, will have an answer for you. So go check it out. Askmh.com. Be well, friends, and love life.