Love Life with Matthew Hussey - (Matt Monday): Why Is It When You Finally Move On, They COME BACK...
Episode Date: January 23, 2023Have you experienced a situation where in spite of having dated someone for a short time, it took you weeks (sometimes even months) to start to feel like you’re over them? And have you found it’s... EXACTLY at that moment—the moment you decide to move on with your life—that they suddenly pop back up like clockwork? Even though you know better, they somehow draw you back in with the hope that this time, things will be different. This week’s new video will allow you to finally rid yourself of the hold this person has over you, so you can begin to sculpt your life the way you want it. And don’t miss the “value exercise” I share at the end. I know you’ll get a lot out of it! --- ►► Start Truly Believing in Your Own Worth. Learn More About the Virtual Retreat at. . . . → http://www.MHVirtualRetreat.com ►► FREE download: “9 Texts No Man Can Resist” → http://www.9texts.com ►► FREE download: “5 Compliments to Get Him Addicted to You” → http://www.SayThisToHim.com
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Or the most confusing of all, they just continue to watch your stories.
Why, oh why, are they still watching my stories if they're not interested? so many of you have been asking about what the dates are for the virtual retreat in 2023
they are now confirmed they're from june the 2nd to the 4th and for one more week only we have
early bird tickets on offer that is a deeply discounted ticket that is only available
for one more week i don't want you to miss out go over to mhvirtualretreat.com to get yours
have you got someone in your life who isn't stepping up in the way that you would like
have you got someone that's blowing hot and cold? Maybe you have a great date with them
and then they fade out.
Maybe they made promises that they didn't keep
and you're left wondering, what is going on?
Well, one of my clients recently asked me
a particular question that I think is gonna help
a lot of you in this respect.
She said, how do I deal with a guy
who keeps promising to do things together
but then never steps up?
I know, I know. Dump him.
That's the impression she just has of what we do.
I know what you're going to say, just dump him.
But I really like this guy.
We have chemistry when we're together.
We have common goals.
It feels like we have everything we should have. But once I'm out of sight, he seemingly forgets about me. Just
when I've decided to move on, I hear from him and he lures me back in. I've continued dating,
but nobody measures up. Let's just break this down a little bit. How many people have had the experience of
someone who says they're going to do something and they don't really follow through? They
sound very promising and like this is going to be a great romance and then that person's energy
drops off after a date and yet it becomes impossible to forget about them and move on because every time you do,
all of a sudden that person reappears somewhere on your phone.
They're either texting you, sending you a message on Instagram, or the most confusing of all,
they just continue to watch your stories.
Why, oh why, are they still watching my stories if they're not interested?
One explanation is that they are madly in love with you.
They can't get you off their mind.
They realize that though it's hard to text you and reach out because that would be an
act of vulnerability, the one thing they could do to stay in your life and to stay in your
mind is to continue watching your stories
just as a way of connecting to you from afar.
Another possible explanation is that they were pooping.
What I know for sure is that is a complete waste of time
trying to figure out which of the two it is
with someone who's not actually trying.
But there was a part of this that I thought was really interesting where she says,
we have chemistry when we're together. It feels like we have everything we should have. Now,
I want to take that idea of chemistry and just break it down a little bit because chemistry is the justification for so much.
When someone feels like they have chemistry with a person,
it's like that person becomes sacred,
especially because many of us
don't feel chemistry very often.
So when we get close enough to someone to feel chemistry,
when it feels mutual, it suddenly feels like this rare thing
that I have to hold on to. Now when we think about chemistry, I truly believe we
often confuse chemistry with anxiety. What we're really feeling a lot of the
time, especially in a situation like this, where this person is blowing hot and
cold,
they're having a great time one minute and then he just disappears, he doesn't follow through.
What we're really seeing there is a situation that could easily make someone anxious. A situation
where someone is pulling away and our instinct when someone is pulling away is to do what? Invest
in them more. We want to text them. We speak to our friends about what
it all means. Even that is a strange form of investment, isn't it? When you sit with your
friends and you talk about it and, but why did they just pull away? We had such a great time
on the date. All of that is a kind of psychological blueprint that this person has in your mind.
And that's a form of investment even if that person
doesn't feel it even if you're not texting them you're investing in them
mentally and then of course the more you think about them and the more you stress
about are they gonna get back to me are they not gonna get back to me are they
gonna ask me on another date all of that is a kind of investment and we start to
crave this thing that we don't have and And it's hard at that point to separate
how much of the craving is to do with
it being so out of this world great
and how much is to do with the fact that we don't have it.
How much is to do with the fact that
this person is making us always second guess ourselves.
There is a kind of game that we're in
that is keeping us fully occupied.
We always have to suspect ourselves
if we haven't actually got someone,
if we're not actually with them
in a committed and secure relationship,
and yet we're saying
that we have the greatest chemistry with them.
You always have to suspect yourself if that's going on
because there is this whole artificial element
of excitement and mystery that's being
created by the space between you and by the uncertainty of the situation itself. And by the
way, everyone is more mysterious with space. Entire celebrity culture plays on that mystery,
plays on the hysteria of you can't get close to me, but I'm going to feed you just little
details that make you think I'm compelling, mesmerizing, exciting. The people that we think
are mysterious. Do you think Prince was mysterious to the people that knew him best? To his best
mates? Do you think he was mysterious? No, he was just a guy, a talented guy, a guy with a lot of success and fame.
But to them, he's just a person.
And the real test of what we have with someone
is at the point of them becoming boring,
how do we feel about them then?
Is this someone we wanna be with at that point?
This person isn't close enough to this man to find
him boring. I believe that there's this whole element of anxiety that she feels, that she is
confusing with chemistry. And that feeling that there's so much chemistry is what leads us to then
overvalue somebody. Put them on a pedestal, Put the connection, the attraction on a pedestal.
Say things like, I've tried dating but no one measures up. How can someone measure up? How can
someone measure up to not there? How can someone measure up to what you have in your mind, in your
imagination? I'm not saying that you imagined the moments where it was exciting, but you can have that excitement
with many different people. And that excitement always seems more thrilling when you're in that
feeling of, I don't know where I stand. I don't know what it's going to be. That phase. You have
to think about it this way. In a relationship, people don't live in that phase for the rest of
their life where there's always this sense of, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. That's not a sustainable place to be. It's not to say there isn't passion in a relationship, but that initial, you know, not knowing and that first kiss and the feeling of chemistry that comes about in those first few days. For people who end up together, that shifts.
That's an impossible thing to measure someone against. No one deserves that. That person you
have the peak experience with can't even live up to that. The only way they can live up to that
is by not being around. The second thing I want to address, he keeps promising to do things together, but then never steps up.
What we're seeing there is this is a pattern that keeps repeating over and over and over.
The first thing you can ask is, why if this is a pattern that keeps repeating over and over,
is this even a question? Another way to look at it is, okay, something can't be a pattern in your life
if you don't allow it to be a pattern.
Something can only be a pattern if you're the dance partner.
A pattern needs a dance partner.
It needs someone to participate in that dynamic.
He can't keep coming back and doing the same thing
if you demonstrate real consequences
for his behavior. What this is really about, what it comes down to me, is culture. What culture do
you want to have for not just your romance but your life in general, for the friends you have?
Culture is everything and we have to start taking culture really seriously for ourselves. What's my culture that I want to have in my life?
It's no different to an organization.
In my organization, we have over 30 people.
That's a lot of different dynamics.
But the one thing that unites that group of people is culture.
Different personalities, same culture.
And if someone isn't the right culture, they don't
last. By the way, sometimes we get it wrong. Sometimes someone's brought into that world and
we only discover after a few weeks or even after a couple of months, oh, this person's not part,
this person doesn't vibe with this culture. They spoke like they did, but in actually watching
their actions, they don't. And and in those moments we make hard decisions
It's not easy to let someone go but we do because the culture is
King the culture is what we're protecting and culture isn't free. It's sculpted
It's sculpted by releasing the wrong people is sculpted by having hard conversations
Sometimes even with the right
people. In fact, inevitably with the right people, you're still going to have cultural clashes.
You're still going to have moments where you have to have a hard conversation with that person.
But every hard conversation sculpts the culture of what you get in an organization. Your love life
is like an organization. Who are you letting into
that organization? Who are you partnering with in the business that is your life? Who's getting
through the door? What's your filter like? And that culture has to be made clear. In this case,
the culture is, I want someone who's consistent. Now, what I'm reading from this question is this isn't a culture, it's a hope. I hope for someone who's
consistent. I would like someone who's consistent. But for me, in my organization, I don't think I
would like someone who's kind. It's an absolute non-negotiable. It's culture. When someone says
they're not consistent, but I keep letting them back in, I know it's not culture. So we have to start taking our culture really, really seriously. And that means saying
to someone the next time they try to come back and say, I want to see you this weekend after they
disappeared off the map for weeks on end, or they under delivered last time when they said they were
going to do all of these things and they didn't. you say to that person, hey, listen, I really do want, some part of me really wants to see you.
But the reality is, you're so inconsistent that I don't know what you want.
I don't know where we stand with each other.
And what I want in my life is someone who is consistent because I know I have so much to give. What I'm prepared to give
someone, what I have to bring to the table to someone is incredibly valuable. I know that. So
it's not something that I'm just going to give to somebody when I don't feel like that person is
showing up in the way that I'm showing up. And I don't feel that with you. There's a lot that's
right about that. You're showing that you take your culture seriously.
You're actually telling someone what that culture is,
is consistency, is someone showing up
in the way that I show up,
and you're also doing something that's incredible,
it demonstrates incredible confidence.
You're saying, I know that I bring
enormous value to the table.
I know that I have a lot to give that's valuable. I know
that. I don't need you to tell me that. I know that. My life has taught me that. The people around
me have taught me that. My belief in the value of the things that I'm giving in my life has taught
me that. I know that independent of you. And I'm not going to give that to someone for free. That
has to be earned. It doesn't have to be earned in some convoluted way like you chase me. No,
it has to be earned by you being prepared to meet me there. And when you do that, it says to someone,
well, I'm missing out on a lot by letting go of this person. Because it does make you think twice
when someone says something like that to you. When someone says I know how much I have to give and you can tell they believe it you do think twice
because you think to yourself oh I don't know if I want to lose all of that. There's even maybe a
competitive element of you that goes someone else is going to get all of that and I've got this
amazing person in front of me I don't want to let them go but it also shows just incredible confidence
and that makes you attractive. You believe in your own value. That makes you attractive. What I see in this
question is someone who's not believing in their own value right now. You know, the start of the
question, how do I deal with a guy who keeps promising to do things together, but then never
steps up? You deal with them by showing that you have this incredible value and this, what they're giving,
that's not it.
That's not what you need to keep giving this value.
This value has a way higher price than that.
No one is going to be serious about us if we're not serious about ourselves.
So I want to give you an exercise.
And this is probably something I would do more in one of my programs or in my membership.
But do this with me. Write down what the things are that you have that give you tremendous value
to somebody else. What are the things that in your personality, in who you are as a human being,
in what you've learned over the course of your lifetime, in how you're prepared to show up for someone, the amount of effort that you're willing
to make to truly see someone and look at them through a compassionate lens or to help and
support their growth or to just be an amazing teammate or your ability to be playful or have
fun or have an amazing sexual connection. What are the things that you know give you so much to offer somebody?
Write them down and really connect with them. If you don't feel connected to it, don't write it
down. If it's something that doesn't really, you feel like you're saying it, but you don't really
believe it, don't write that down. But do write down the things that you know in your bones are
true. Because the next time you go to the table with someone,
that's what you need to be connected to. Not how great they are, not the fear of losing them,
not the worry that you'll never get someone with that much chemistry again. I want you to be
connected to the value of what you are bringing to the table and to not allow anybody to keep
getting your time and energy whose actions show
that they do not respect that value. I hope you enjoyed that video. Before you go, like I said,
the early bird tickets to the virtual retreat are only available for a couple more days.
This is three days of live coaching with me and my team, not just for your love life.
This is not a love life retreat. It's a life retreat. And we're going to spend three days
analyzing the patterns, the behaviors, and the habits that are going to get you where you need
to be and get you to experience the peace and the happiness that you want to feel. Come check it out
at mhvirtualretreat.com while those early
bird tickets are still available and I'll see you then.