Love Life with Matthew Hussey - (Matt Monday): Why They ALWAYS Come Back + How to Reach Out After It Ends

Episode Date: June 10, 2024

"How can you tell the difference between love bombing and genuine interest?" This is just one question out of 10 that I answer in today's rapid-fire Q&A episode, which also includes answers to:  "What Dating Advice Would You Give to Your 16-Year-Old Self?"  "When Did You Last Cry?"  "How Can I Get Over the Shame of Having Stayed Too Long in a Relationship?"  "Is It Worth Reaching Back Out to an Ex Who May Have Changed?" ... and much more. It was super fun to read and answer all your questions. Be sure to leave me a comment with any questions you might have for part 2!   ►► Sign up Now For My Free Weekly Newsletter, The 3 Relationships at . . . → http://www.The3Relationships.com   ►► Order My New Book, "Love Life" at → http://www.LoveLifeBook.com   ►► FREE Video Training: “Dating With Results” → http://www.DatingWithResults.com  

You don't get to be the person you are today with the wisdom you have today without having been the person that you were then. So to wish that you were who you are today, then, is science fiction. Today we are going to answer some questions. I put the word out on my Instagram at the Matthew Hussey and said, what do you want to ask me? Love life related, confidence related, life related. What do you want to ask me about me? And so we picked some questions. I haven't actually seen most of these questions, so we'll see how I do on the fly. I'll get through as many as possible in the time that we have. And also, if you haven't already, join my newsletter, because if you like free stuff like this video you're watching right now, every Friday I am releasing a new newsletter, a written open letter from me to you with ideas, philosophies,

strategies, you know, general wisdom that I think could actually help you in the three relationships in your life that matter the most. Your relationship with yourself, your relationship with life, and your relationship with other people. So join. I'll leave a link here. It's free. And I'll see you in your inbox this Friday. On to the questions. Our first question is from Jenny Dyson who says, hi, ooh, I have two questions. What are three things you would say to your 16-year-old self about relationships?

Three things that I would say to my 16-year-old self. Let me think of one thing first. I probably would have said to myself, relationships will happen, like you'll have them. When someone comes along, it's not your last opportunity or a relationship. So if someone comes along and they seem to represent a few things that you like,

it doesn't mean that you have to jump into a relationship with that person immediately because no one else will ever come along. You can take your time. You can pay attention to the things that actually aren't right about that relationship. Maybe even a grounds to not have that relationship. You don't have to come from a place of scarcity that everyone you moderately like, you need to jump into a relationship with because you may never get another one. I also sort of think that those relationships were important for me to have

because I learned a lot from being in relationships, you know, a time in my life where I was just getting experience. Didn't you learn a lot from that time in your life too, having some relationships that weren't right for you? We don't maybe think of them like this at the time, but they're sort of practice relationships, aren't they, for later on. So I don't even know if them like this at the time, but they're sort of practice relationships, aren't they, for later on.

So I don't even know if I want my 16 year old self to follow that advice. Let's move on to the next question. When did you last cry? I almost cried yesterday because Audrey brought up a film that we watched together when we were on our honeymoon in Japan. The film is called A Silent Voice, and it's a film about a teenage boy who hates himself because he bullied a deaf girl and he sort of hates who he was and he hates what he did to her and the movie is about how he evolves as a person but you know even though he's evolved to be a

better person he still can't stop hating himself. And the movie sort of follows that journey as well as this young girl's journey. And it is just Audrey was telling me about it. And as she started telling me about it, I started to get teary. And so that was that. So that was probably the last time I almost cried. I was on the verge of crying. If you haven't seen it, A Silent Voice, it's a Japanese anime movie that is just beautiful.

Sven Reister says, I've heard so many sayings along the lines of, don't read the same chapter twice as the ending will still be the same. But people change. They change, I tells you. So I'm wondering if it's worth reaching back out to someone who I briefly dated and had an amazing connection slash chemistry with who just wasn't ready for a relationship. They put it in quote marks. I didn't put that in quote marks. After let's say a year or so has passed. So they had an amazing connection with this person

who said they weren't ready for a relationship. Now a year or so has passed. I'm aware that it's crucial for an individual to have moved on way before reaching back out to allow themselves clarity in making this decision. I'm wondering what you'd suggest. I worry about this one because look, is it possible that someone has changed? Yes, that maybe they didn't want a relationship and now they do want a relationship and you reaching out at this moment is suddenly going

to put you back on their mind in a way where they go, oh my god yes I remember this person from a year ago, now that I want a relationship they could be right for me. But I also know that so many people say they're not ready for a relationship as an excuse because they just don't want more with a person and we shouldn't necessarily take that personally because there's all sorts of reasons someone doesn't want more with us, that have nothing to do with us, or aren't things that aren't related to things we need to worry about changing or any of that. We're not right for a lot of people. And that's fine. That's sort of the natural order of things is that we're not right for a lot of people. We shouldn't be. We're a unique individual. We are right for a certain group of people. And that's a small percentage most likely, right? Especially, we're a unique individual. We are right for a certain group of people.

And that's a small percentage most likely, right? Especially if we're being ourselves. So don't take it personally if someone doesn't want you. But remember when someone says they're not ready for a relationship, it might be code for, I just don't see it with you. And this is the best thing I can come up with right now for allowing me to part ways with you.

So we have to be a bit careful a year later of looking at that, taking it at face value and saying maybe they've shifted. And the only reason, the only barrier that was getting in the way a year ago was that they didn't want a relationship and maybe they do want a relationship now and they're gonna want it with me.

I have to assume that if they felt that you were perfect for them back then, but they just didn't want a relationship and that was the only thing standing in the way of you and them and your perfect life together and now they want a relationship you would be the first person to come to mind and they would already be calling you if they haven't then it feels much more likely to me that what you're doing is constructing a story that allows you to reach back out to someone that you still hold a candle for

because you're telling yourself a story of potential instead of there actually being potential. My vote would be don't reach out to this person and move on and find someone where the reality is that they like you and that they're ready for a relationship. Not that you have to come up with this entire narrative that has to make sense for you to reach back out to them.

I worry that reaching back out to them just sets you up for another disappointment that you've already experienced with this person. Linny Renz says, "'What is the difference between love bombing "'and genuine interest?' Love bombing and genuine interest. I think actually your question gets

at the heart of what can be really challenging is when someone in the beginning of the dating phase starts really showing a lot of interest in us, how reliable is that as an indicator of whether their interest is going to hold, whether they have real potential, whether they really like us for us or what they're experiencing is some kind of projection that they've put on us. Have they idealized us in really unhealthy ways? Are they trying to manipulate us in ways that are more insidious

to try to get us to give more than we reasonably should at this stage? It's quite possible, for example, that someone says to us, I like you so much, and it's coming from a place of genuine feeling of I like you so much. It's also possible someone might say that because they really want to egg you on

to give them a lot more. They're trying to manipulate the situation. I think the truth is, we only really know someone's intentions over time, which is why instead of playing detective on whether someone is love bombing you or not, you dictate the pace yourself, take it slower, and see if their interest is consistent or if it comes in fits and starts.

I will say this though, if someone is being incredibly grandiose and telling you things like, I love you, and I've heard from people I coach that people have said things to them like, I love you after just a few I've heard from people I coach that people have said things to them like, I love you after just a few hours of talking in their first conversation. I really want to come and see you.

I feel like you're the right person for me. When people say things like that in the beginning, either they have this wildly immature version of love that they adhere to, which is a major red flag, or they are someone who is scamming you or is trying to manipulate you into giving way more than you should. Joy E. Marie says, how do I forgive myself and stop feeling shame for having stayed too long in an unhealthy marriage? I mean, welcome to the club of people who felt like they stayed in something in any area of life for too long. How many of us have stayed in a relationship for too long knowing it wasn't the right relationship but we were too frightened to leave because we were worried we wouldn't be okay if we were on our own,

that we'd never meet anyone else and of course that's compounded when you're in a marriage and you have that extra level of commitment that you've made, it makes it even harder to leave a situation like that, to admit that, God, this is the wrong relationship. I shouldn't be here anymore. That's an intensely human thing. What I see in you, Joy, is a human being, a person who has lived, a person who has gone out there, taken a swing,

tried for something. You could have just stayed in your bedroom and met no one. Instead, you went out there, you took a swing. You met someone, you took have just stayed in your bedroom and met no one. Instead, you went out there, you took a swing, you met someone, you took a swing at a lifelong relationship, and it didn't work out. And you didn't leave the moment you realized that it wasn't working out. Well, welcome to the club. It takes a long time to get up the courage for many people, for most of us, to do something that hard. And guess what? It wouldn't take you as long the next time around, right? I would bet that you wouldn't walk straight into a marriage with someone like that

again. And I would also bet that if you were dating someone like that again, you'd see the signs quicker and you'd act faster. But those are only things that you'd be able to do because of the experience you've already had. You don't get to be the person you are today with the wisdom you have today without having been the person that you were then. So to wish that you were who you are today then is science fiction. You don't get to be who you are today without having taken as much time as you did then. And is there something frustrating about the time that we lost? Is there something sometimes tragic about how long it takes us to come to these conclusions? Of course there is. If only we could come to them faster. But guess what? We didn't, because that's life. And you know what? You'll do it again. There'll be an era of your life where you'll do it again. It may not even be your love life. It might be a different area, but there'll

be an area where you sit on a decision too long, where you take too long to figure something out, where you lose something as a result, whether it's time or finances or anything that you value, it will happen again. And that's okay too, because that's part of living. We make these mistakes. Give yourself a break. You're in good company. Mill Frankophile says, what's your take on rumors? I was told about rumors from different people that didn't know about us and I confronted him. We all make mistakes and I'm of the opinion that if I wasn't there to see it for myself, why would I trust what anyone else says?

I care about honesty and I asked him to let me know if these are true or not and he said no, they're not. On the other hand, rumours don't really come out of nowhere. I'm a little torn here. If he knows that for me, something like this would be considered in the past, would he still deny it so that I don't think any worse of him?

This is a tricky one. I'm inclined to say, do you trust the source? There's real merit to what you're saying that in these social settings, rumors often don't come from nowhere. And they might, but do you wanna stake your time, your energy, your emotions on the idea that they have just come out of nowhere?

If I were in your shoes, I think it would be a kind of red flag for me. It might not be a red flag that makes us completely turn and run the other way, but it's almost the kind of red flag that if we're gonna continue, we need to put a pin in that information and go, I'm gonna let this play out with you

and be very honest with myself about how you're coming across, about how you're showing up, about whether your actions align with your words, whether you seem to be a person of integrity, whether you are reliable, whether you're consistent. And I'm going to be really, I'm not going to let my emotions color what I think about you and your behavior. I'm going to pay real attention to who you really are and see whether that aligns with what I've heard. But I do think that if you're gonna proceed,

you have to go in in a very sober way, understanding that there may be truth to these things and that while you don't need to play detective, you do need to be honest with yourself about whether what you're seeing actually aligns with those rumors. Pennypp28 says, being a love expert yourself, do you still face challenges in your own relationship?

I hate the idea of being a love expert. And what does an expert in love even mean? I don't know. I don't feel like a love expert, but I've been doing this for a long time and I like the idea that what I've learned is helpful to people. Of course I still have challenges in my relationship. You know, I always say that even in healthy relationships, and I consider

myself to be in a really healthy relationship, when people post things on Instagram, you're still not seeing everything in that relationship. When we look at people's relationships online, we're not just seeing relationships that are incredibly unhealthy posing as really happy relationships. We're also seeing really healthy relationships that are only showing you the healthy parts of the relationship. They're not showing you the argument they had last night

because why would they? That would be oversharing. So yeah, me and Audrey have arguments. We have our frictions. We have our tensions. I think that what has been our saving grace, both of us, is that we're really, really good communicators. We're able to be honest with each other.

We're able to talk vulnerably with each other without just freezing each other out. We have a really good recovery time on arguments. I think of recovery time a lot. You know, what's your recovery time? What's the half-life of an argument you have? Does it take three days to get over it? Or is it something that you can get over in 30 minutes? And if you have more tools, you're able to get over these things quicker together. You can

navigate. I think the better you are at communicating, the more you can see the landmines in the argument before you step on them and decide not to step on them. I know if I say that thing, it is gonna make this 10 times worse. I know that my ego here is gonna get in the way of me resolving this conversation with this person that I love. That's another landmine is ego. So over time, I've gotten better at seeing those landmines

and being like, I'm not gonna step there. That's gonna make things worse. And I am gonna step here because That's gonna make things worse. And I am gonna step here because that's gonna make things better. Mifunda says, why does an ex almost always return with the crystal clear assumption that we'd be thrilled to have him back in our lives? I'm back.

Let's just say I wouldn't make the same mistake twice and he's got a lot of gall to think that we would welcome him back with open arms. I mean, I don't make the same mistake twice and he's got a lot of gall to think that we would welcome him back with open arms. I mean I don't know maybe he does always think that he's going to be able to waltz back into your life because the partners he's picked in the past have always allowed him to do that. Maybe there's a element of narcissism in him that says I'm always wanted back and you'll want me back too and so the idea of you saying no to him is just not even a reality for him. Well I don't know specifically why he seems to assume so boldly that you will absolutely take him back. It's very

common for people to come back. I get asked all the time why do men always come back and I think the answer is because it's easier. People take the path of least resistance and when they go out there into the world looking for someone else, who knows what they're looking for. They think they're looking for this thing or this thing that's different to you, or they just think that they're gonna be happier

if they're single and if they're able to play the field or whatever is the reason. Very quickly, when people hit any kind of a roadblock of loneliness or fear that they're not gonna find someone, a difficult weekend where someone else isn't texting them back, whatever it may be, the path of least resistance becomes this person over here who I already know, who accepted me once, who wanted me, who didn't want to break up with me even though I broke up with them, it feels

like a pretty good chance that if I reach out to them, I'm going to get attention again. And by the way, they're often right. They do get attention again from that person. They do get welcomed with open arms by that person. So a lot of people learn that it's not just the path of least resistance in their mind, but in reality, their exes are often the path of least resistance because their exes, if they haven't gone on to meet someone else, if they're having a lonely time, if they're struggling with it, will not view them coming back as weak or selfish,

but instead will view it romantically. And that's, in a sense, what they're relying on, that you will view them coming back romantically instead of cynically piece of advice for everyone out there remember if an ex comes back they better be offering something different than when you knew them before butterfly and rose says my question what happened to the daily newsletter you promised in one of your live sessions. I did not promise a daily newsletter. I promised a weekly newsletter.

Every Friday, I said, I'm gonna do a new thing where every Friday I release, I send to you a brand new newsletter, handwritten by me on a laptop that I send to you. I don't think I ever mentioned a daily newsletter, did I? Jeremy, have I ever said daily? That's madness. You wouldn't have time to read a daily newsletter

from me anyway. Let's face it, weekly is enough. Shannie Mac 24 says, "'When are you coming to Australia?' "'Well, I am not coming to Australia anytime soon. "'Where I am going is Florida in September for my retreat. For anyone who wants to join me there, go to mhretreat.com.

It's actually one of our most oversubscribed events. We actually don't have nearly as many spaces as we normally do by this point. There's only 50 left, my team tell me. So if you wanna come and join us, go to mhretreat.com. Come from Australia to Florida and we us, go to mhretreat.com. Come from Australia to Florida and we'll be together for six days. Thank you so much. I'm going to make this a

two-parter because I have lots more questions I want to get to. So if you didn't get your question answered, ask it in the comments below and I'll pick a new batch to do in the next video. Thank you so much everyone be well and love life you