Love Life with Matthew Hussey - (Matt Monday): Why You’ve Not Met the Right Person (Yet)

Episode Date: December 18, 2023

Here’s a common problem I hear, You feel ready for a relationship. You’ve worked hard to improve yourself and you have high standards for the person you want to be with long-term . . . but no one you date meets your standards. I know it can be so frustrating—but this feeling can lead to some dangerous mindsets that get in our way of finding love . . . often without us even realizing it. So in today’s episode, I’ll show you 3 powerful mindset shifts that will help you attract the right person faster so you can avoid self-sabotage and burnout as you search for the love you’re looking for. Excited for you to hear this one. Matthew x --- ►► Navigate the Modern Dating Landscape, Avoid 'Situationships', and Find the Beautiful & Lasting Relationship You Want at. . . → http://www.DatingWithResults.com

Do you feel like my life is not going to pan out the way that I hoped it would. And this video was inspired by a question I got from a woman we will call Stacey for the purposes of this video to protect her identity. But here's what she said. After spending 10 years working on myself and what I want, my standards have gone up. How do I have faith that I'll meet the right person when I'm not finding them to meet my standards on dating apps or in real life? It feels frustrating. I have an amazing life

and career, but in the back of my mind, I feel that part missing. I'm still worried about staying single or settling, and I don't want either. What Stacey is going through is so unbelievably relatable. So if you are experiencing that, know that you are not alone. It's hard out there to find someone. I've seen a lot of rhetoric these days about, you know, people should get married. Marriages make more stable homes. They make better

environments for raising children. And anytime I see things like this, I think you're totally missing the point. People want long-term relationships. They're trying to find these things, but they're struggling because finding an appropriate partner, finding a suitable long-term teammate is extremely difficult for so many of us. There are so many people who are not emotionally available. There are so many people who are emotionally stunted, who can't access their emotions, who can't communicate well, who haven't got their life set up in a way where they can have a stable relationship. The idea that, you know, people just really need to stop valuing long-term relationships and marriage again, is a complete misnomer, especially for the people that I've been working with for the last 15 years

who really would like to find a relationship and don't need to be told that it's important, but are struggling to actually find someone to do it with. One of the things I picked up on that Stacy said is something I hear a lot, which is that my standards have gone up. And a lot of people say this to me, my standards have gone up and now it's gotten much more difficult to meet someone. There's definitely areas where our standards go up

in the right ways and we start to eliminate some of the wrong people. And that can make it feel like there's less choice, but really we've just eliminated the poor choices that we shouldn't have been entertaining in the first place. But sometimes we raise our standards in ways that actually hurt us. Let's talk amidst all of these things

that you can't control about three things that you can control. The first mistake I see a lot of people making in love is valuing the wrong things in people. So we have really high standards about things that don't actually matter. I talk to many people who value the fact that someone seems to be doing very well for themselves, or they seem to have achieved a lot in their life, or they seem to have a lot of charisma they seem to really own the room or they're respected by lots of other people or they're very in demand among lots of other people you know the number of times i've spoken to someone who has told me you know but you know they they have so many potential suitors they have so many

people chasing after them as if that's a reason to go for that person, as if that alone is gonna make someone a good candidate for a relationship. Hey, if you've watched this far in the video, it's because you wanna find love faster. Well, I have a way that you can do that beyond this video that is much more immersive and it is called Dating With Results.

It is a one hour free training that gives you a specific roadmap that you can use to go out there and find the love that you have been looking for if you are sick and tired of the nonsense that you constantly face while you're out there trying to date then I urge you to come and do this training with me because it is gonna give you hope back and it's also going to set you on the right path. Go to datingwithresults.com. You can sign up completely free and you can be watching this free training right now that is going to help you find

love faster. Someone's popularity in the dating market doesn't make them a good candidate for a relationship, certainly not automatically. Their success, what they've achieved, what neighborhood they live in, they have great style. The fact that they're tall, none of these things make for a great relationship. So the idea that these are the things we're going to value the most on the way in is suspect to begin with. The number of people who can talk to me for hours about a situation, they can literally plot from the moment they met someone, whether it's in real life or on a dating app to seven months later when it fell apart. And when they tell me the story of everything that happened in between,

nowhere in there can I figure out why it is they like this person so much. I sit there waiting for a moment where they're going to tell me about the wonderful qualities that they have, about the way they show up, about the kindness, the loyalty, the integrity, the consistency, about the loving nature that they have. All of these things seem completely absent in someone's appraisal of this person. And when I ask them, well, what is it you really like about this person? They'll say, oh, there's just this feeling that they give me. There's just this kind of, I don't know what it is. I'm just so attracted to them. That is something we should call into question for ourselves. Because what it means is

that we are having standards around the complete wrong things. None of those things are going to make someone a great teammate in a relationship. A relationship is not some short-term adventure. A relationship, if nothing else, is a life spent with someone who should make a great teammate. Catch yourself the next time you find yourself having met someone on a dating app or having just been on a first date with someone where they slipped in ways that they're successful, where there's a certain way that they're put together that you find them very attractive for, where there's a certain kind of importance that this person seems to have or a desirability that this person seems to have, catch yourself.

If any of those things begin to make you either obsess about this person or go out of your way to try to please them, remind yourself none of these things make this person a great candidate for a relationship. Number two, while we have high standards about the wrong things, we tend to have really low standards or or in some cases, no standards at all about the right things. Now, what are the right things? Well, firstly, they're good qualities to have in a relationship, like kindness, like someone who shows up for you, like someone who's a good communicator, like someone who's consistent. But it's more than that. It's, do I feel at home with this person?

Do I feel like I can really be myself with this person? Do I feel accepted? Does this person? Do I feel like I can really be myself with this person? Do I feel accepted? Does this person really get me? Do they understand me? These things are not common. And I have watched over the years as people describe to me the immense attraction they have for someone who clearly doesn't get them at all. That person may complain about them. Why do you need so much? You're too sensitive. They may not understand that person's desire for more time, more intimacy, for a relationship. This isn't someone who gets them. This isn't someone who understands their unique sense of humor. It's not someone who really understands where they come from or who they are

as a person. And do you know how I know that? Because so many of the people I speak to who find themselves in this position of being attracted to someone who isn't trying, don't actually show who they are to that person. They're too afraid to really open up to this person. They're too afraid to really share how they feel with this person. They're too afraid to be vulnerable with this person. They're more afraid with impressing this person. And when you're more afraid with impressing this person. And when you're constantly worried about impressing someone, you're definitely not showing them who you really are. And if you're not showing them who you really are,

you definitely don't know that they actually accept you or that then they're not making you feel at home. You aren't someone that they understand or get. So ask yourself this, do I feel really attracted to someone or do I feel really compatible with them? Because if all I feel is this immense attraction that seems to be intoxicating and take me over

no matter how little they're giving me, then I'm once again valuing the wrong things. If I say, who am I truly compatible with and where's my evidence for that? Then we start to gravitate towards people who will actually make us feel great. Of course, one of the great elements of compatibility is someone who wants the same things you do. Number three, we will find love faster if we stop basing our decisions on what other people think of who we're dating.

I wanted to tell you that I have a brand new book called Love Life, how to find your person, raise your standards and live happily no matter what. It is a major evolution of my work. It is a big step forward from some of my older work from five or ten years ago because I have evolved, my thoughts have evolved, my philosophies have evolved, my advice has evolved and I've put my newest latest ideas, strategies and techniques for how to not only find love but to find happiness and confidence within yourself into this new book and I would love for you to pre-order a copy. You can find it at lovelifebook.com. I'll leave a link here.

And if you buy it now, instead of when it comes out, you will be on the list for some really exciting bonuses that I'm giving only to people who pre-order at this early stage. You'll also be part of a specific launch group that I'm doing where we're gonna share exciting news about the book, special things that other people don't get, and just a community of people

that are gonna be a part of this together that you only get access to by pre-ordering the book. So go grab a copy. I think a book is one of the best investments you can make. It's also one of the easiest, and I'm really proud of this piece of work. So I'd love you to support me in it and I know that by getting this book you're also going to be supporting yourself. Go check it out lovelifebook.com. We can feel chemistry with a wider array of people than I believe we've ever given ourselves

credit for. And I don't want you to take any of the points I've made so far in this video as me saying that chemistry doesn't matter and you should just go for all of these qualities that make someone a very safe and secure partner, but gives you no excitement in a relationship. I don't believe in that. I believe chemistry is something you cannot dispense with if you want a long-term relationship because it's part of what makes a relationship a romantic relationship and not a friendship. So we need chemistry. But I think we overjudge the chemistry that we have with people. And one of the reasons we do that is because we're worried about the image that we will

have with our friends, with our family, with people that we know, if we bring a certain person home, if we're seen with a kind of person that isn't the kind of person that other people see for us, or frankly, that other people see for themselves. You can have someone who says to you, oh, that person's not right for you because of this, this, and this. But they may just be judging based on their point of view and projecting their own insecurities, their own trauma, their own overjudgmentalness, don't think that's a word, onto the situation. That's nothing to do with you. What matters to you is does this person get me? Do they make me happy? Do I feel unique chemistry with them?

Chemistry is a very personal thing. And you can feel chemistry with people you never expected to feel chemistry with. And by the way, to that point, it's not just that we may feel chemistry with someone, but then disqualify them on the basis that we don't feel like they fit the image that we want to have with people in our lives. It's also that we often don't even find out if we have chemistry with people because we disqualify them based on superficial factors before we ever get to the point where we'd realize we have chemistry with them. Chemistry doesn't take place on a dating app. It doesn't take place through 2D images on a screen. Sometimes it doesn't even take place in the first five or ten minutes or thirty minutes of an interaction with

someone. It can take a moment. It can take getting to know someone a little bit. Everyone knows that if they have ever had a friend that they didn't feel chemistry with. And all of a sudden, one day you saw that friend in a different environment, in a different way. Maybe you saw them in their element doing something. Maybe they gave you a different sense of kind of fun or sass or something that you didn't see in them before. And all of a sudden it's like a light bulb went off and you went, oh my God, I could feel this way about this person.

So chemistry can be quite fickle. I'm not suggesting that you continue dating for date after date after date people you don't have chemistry with, but I am suggesting that we don't overjudge who we could feel chemistry with and we certainly don't do it based on what other people in our lives may think of someone your job is to find someone that you feel your own unique attraction to

and then nurture that relationship and turn it into something beautiful and it's a funny thing whenever you see that really happen in life where two people get together they build something beautiful they have an amazing attraction and chemistry and they have fun together and they understand each other and they have a loving relationship eventually other people around them start to say something different they start to say you have an amazing relationship they start to see your relationship as something that they envy that they one day want for

themselves. You become held up as a model for the kind of relationship that other people want to find. But how did you arrive at that place? You trusted yourself. You trusted what was right for you instead of listening to the judgments of other people. If you listen to all of those judgments, you would have never got to that stage with that person in the first place.

You don't need to run headfirst into the same mistakes that everyone else is making when they're looking for love. Whether it's burning out on dating apps, being on dates that never materialize into relationships, or just getting stuck in casual hookup mode. If you haven't already, go to datingwithresults.com to get the one-hour free training that I've put together for you that can help you find love this year. Outro Music