Love Life with Matthew Hussey - (Rewind): 13 Subtle Ways to Make Someone Want More With You

Episode Date: September 20, 2024

In today’s new episode, I’ll share with you exactly how to do that through 13 highly practical tips to get him to take you more seriously. Some of these are subtle, but each one of these points can have an outsized impact on how your relationship moves forward. I really wanted to make this episode because the tone you set in the beginning will serve you throughout your entire relationship, and the influence you can have on being taken seriously by someone is huge. It can determine whether your relationship will be a casual one that’s on their terms, or a committed, loving one where you’re building something together. And in addition to being practical, this episode breaks down the psychology behind each of these tips and provides you with examples (and in many cases, specific texts) you can customize and make your own. ►► Ask Matthew AI Your Biggest Dating Question for Free Now at. . . → http://www.AskMH.com  

What you're doing is attaching value to an event after it's happened so that that person knows that that event actually had some meaning to you. And it makes it more likely, therefore, that it will have meaning for them too. What does it take to get a bloody relationship these days? A lot of people finding themselves in these protracted casual situationships, dynamics that mimic relationships that give people the boyfriend-girlfriend experience. But try and pin someone down and ask them, are we actually in a relationship? Are we actually exclusive? Is this going somewhere? And suddenly they start to freak out. Is this something you can relate to? Well, if so, I think this video is going to be one you enjoy very, very much. I'm going to give you 13 ways to be taken seriously by somebody for a relationship, and they are really practical and really easy to do.

Number one, be more than a last minute plan. It's so easy when we like someone and they text us at the last minute saying, do you want to do something tonight? It's so easy to just say yes. Now, I'm not saying you should never respond to a spontaneous offer to see someone, but if you find yourself routinely responding to last minute offers, then you are devaluing yourself. Instead, send someone a message back that says, I'd have loved to, but I have plans tonight. Maybe give me more than 24 hours notice next time? Question mark, little blushy smiling face.

Number two, don't just go with their flow on a date. There's a temptation, isn't there, to sort of please someone by going with their rhythm, their pace, what they want. If someone else wants to have many drinks, we feel like we should have many drinks with them. Someone else wants to stay out late. We have work in the morning.

We're gonna be tired. We don't really want to stay out late, but we do. Someone wants to have sex or go home with us. We oblige because we feel like we should and we're attracted to them, but it's a bit fast for us. But I am attracted to them and maybe it won't hurt. So we do it, even though it's not something that we actually really consciously want to do. Don't just do it because the other person wants to. When you set the tone, when you go with your own flow, you get instant respect and you get taken seriously. Number three, suggest a date plan. Now this doesn't have to be for

date number one, you can see if they're good at coming up with a plan for date number one, but for date number two or three or four, don't be afraid to be the one who actually takes initiative and suggest something. Why don't we do this? I found tickets to this thing. Do you want to go? It shows that, well, A, you're confident enough to suggest something. B, you're diverse in the kind of things you like to do. Hey I saw this event, this mezcal tasting experience, do you want to go do it? I thought it could be fun. But C, it also creates a sense of adventure that this person experiences with you. It's not just on a set dating track that mimics every other date he's been on. There is a unique experience and

moments that you're gonna have together. Number four, send a post date text. This is where you're the one who actually sends a text saying I had a really lovely time tonight. Now I actually don't get hung up on whether you're the one who sends the text first or you send this as a reply. My point is, don't be indifferent. Don't be too cool. Sending a text that says, I had a really great time tonight is an act of vulnerability, and it shows that the date actually meant something to you.

And this is especially important after intimacy. If you go home with someone and have sex, the next day, don't play it cool and just be like, well, I'm just not gonna text them. I'm gonna wait for them to come to me. I'm not saying you have to rush to text them, but at some point that day, send them a message and say, I had a really amazing time with you.

When you send that, what you're showing is that that actually had some meaning to you. And so the implication is, you shouldn't treat me casually or lightly because that wasn't just nothing to me. Playing it cool backfires if it teaches someone, if the message received by them is that the moments, the intimacy, the experience of being together

had no meaning to you. By the way, this is a technique called post-framing. What you're doing is attaching value to an event after it's happened so that that person knows that that event actually had some meaning to you. And it makes it more likely, therefore, that it will have meaning for them too. Number five, show genuine appreciation for something they did. If there was effort made by somebody, and by the way, you can do this

in the same text I mentioned before, or you can do it in a different text, actually acknowledge the effort that was made. Hey, by the way, that was really sweet of you to arrange the tickets. Thank you so much. That shows that I actually noticed the effort you made. I'm shining a light on it so that you see that effort too.

What it tells that person subconsciously is, oh, I made an effort. Look at that. And if someone actually acknowledges and realizes they made an effort, look at that. And if someone actually acknowledges and realizes they made an effort, then it makes it more meaningful to them that they made that effort.

And of course, the fact that you're appreciating it makes you valuable too, because not everyone does. Number six, have them come to your part of town. One of the staples of someone being casual is them always having the dates on their terms, where they want, at a time that suits them. What we wanna do is bring someone into our world. And one of the ways we can do that

is simply by having them literally come to the area where we frequent, where we live. I'm not necessarily saying your house, your apartment, but have them come to your part of town, especially if that part of town means that they're the one who has to go out of their way this time. And I always think that bringing someone into your world is a way of bonding them to you more. If everyone is always kind of uprooting you from your world and putting you into theirs, then they're in their element and you sort of exist as this,

you exist in the abstract in a way. You're not a person with a life and who is tethered in all of these ways and has these interests and here's where you live and here's the places you go to, here's your local coffee shop. No, instead you just exist in their world as an idea. One of the ways to be taken seriously

is for someone to actually see your roots, who you are, what you're all about. The places that make someone realize, oh, this person is a person with a life and things they love. I remember the first time going to my now fiance Audrey's place and seeing plants all over the apartment. It was like a moment where I realized, oh, this is something she really loves. And I didn't know about it before that. And that created more of a three-dimensional

picture of who she was and like I've said before when someone becomes three-dimensional to us they are far harder to walk away from. Number seven regardless of your beliefs about who should pay on a first date at some point pay for. Whether it's you're the one who buys the tickets to something, or you pick up the tab in a restaurant, or you're ordering delivery and you just hand them your phone with the restaurant already selected and say, choose what you like. And you're the one who does it on your account. It shows that the dynamic isn't a transactional one. It shows the absence of any kind of entitlement and it shows you're a team player, that you're willing to contribute. And when someone is thinking about their future,

more than anything else, registering that someone is a team player is a deep reason for choosing someone. Number eight, send them a picture from a different part of your life where they see you in a context they haven't seen you yet. We all are multidimensional, but a lot of people only see us in one context, the date context. It could be a picture or a video of you having a fun moment with your family

and they get the context of you being this person who loves and is loved by these people in your life. It could be you at a work conference where you're dressed up in your work attire and you say five hours of business workshops today, wish me luck. And they get to see you in a professional context. Whatever it is, it goes back to that idea

of painting a three-dimensional picture about you. A huge part of that is what I call unique pairings. When someone sees that you're not just this thing, you're that thing as well. You're not just sexy and fun, you're professional. You're not just professional, you're sweet and warm and a family person. It shows these different parts of you that make you a complex and uniquely attractive person. Number nine, send them an I was listening text. This is where you send them a text message that calls back to something they have told you about themselves or their interests. So it could be that they talked about how they love movie scores and you send them a text with a link to a movie score that you really love. They thought you'd like this since you're so into movie scores.

When you do this, it's A, a little vulnerable on your part, and B, it shows that I actually, even in the amount of time that we know each other, which may not be very much, understand something about you, something about what you like, who you are as a person. And in sending you something that relates to that, it's almost a form of acceptance, isn't it? It's a form of understanding and accepting who someone is. Number 10, save them a cookie. I mean, if you show up you know to their house sometime

and you say I made these for myself earlier but I saved you one because I know you really like cookies. Obviously the cookies are a metaphor unless you ever come to one of my events in which case this is very literal and I will never be unhappy with you saving me a cookie. But it's also a metaphor. Let's just call this one tiny gifts. You don't want to do it with big gifts. Big gifts reek of trying too hard.

But little gifts shows that I was thinking of you when we weren't together. And therefore, you're a thoughtful, kind person to be taken seriously. Number 11, be playfully assumptive. If someone sends you a message that says, "'What you up to?' You say, "'Why? Miss me?' Then you follow with another message before you freak out

and go, "'That's so arrogant. I would never say that.'" You immediately follow up and you say, "'Just kidding. I'm with my sister right now. We're having such a good time. What are you up to? But the work has already been done. You've already had that moment of being self-assured, being extra confident, and also putting in

their mind the idea that they miss you. So that thought has been created. You texted me because you miss me and I'm making you aware of that. I am someone to be missed. Number 12, avoid the bandwagon of agreeing with someone all the time. One of the sexiest things we can do at times is disagree with someone. Be willing to break rapport. Not aggressively, but in a way that shows that we have our own mind, our own opinion, our own way of thinking. I actually think one of the really sweet ways to put this into practice is if you see the

person that you're dating talking in a mean way about someone. And you get to just kind of almost check them a little bit, sweetly and playfully. But let's say they're saying something mean about someone, you go, hey, be nice. Now in that moment, you are calling someone out and that creates like just a little hair of friction, which is good. That kind of friction is actually good. You're

breaking rapport. What it says to someone is I have a high standard for myself and you just fell beneath that standard for a moment and you're confident enough to, albeit playfully and sweetly, check them on that. Now, number 13 is I think the most surprising of all of these little techniques beware the weekend Away now the reason I think this is surprising is because when someone invites us on a trip It feels like it might be a route to something more serious a route to getting really Bonded and connected with someone so that by the time we come back, something more serious is on the cards. The problem is, if we just go and do that without assigning any meaning to it, we run the risk of assuming that just because time spent away

in close proximity with somebody would mean a lot to us, that it also means a lot to them too. Now I'm not saying you absolutely shouldn't go and have that weekend away with somebody, but what I am saying is they should not be in any doubt as to what something like that means to you or the significance that something like that might have to you. Now, by the way, if it has no significance to you or the significance that something like that might have to you.

Now, by the way, if it has no significance to you, that's okay, but we're not having that conversation. If you wanna go have a fun weekend with someone, go do it. Just don't think it's gonna move the needle on anything. But what you can do if you're looking for something serious with someone and they've invited you on a trip is say to them, I instinctively wanna say yes, because I like you.

And I think we would have the best time. But I also know that something like that is meaningful to me. And I wouldn't just be going on a trip with a boy if we weren't on the same page about it. Now he may say about what, which by the way if someone says about what that's normally a bad sign. If someone starts acting obtuse when you say things like that, that should be treated as a little bit of a warning. But if they say about what then you say well you well, you know, about whether there's any intention behind this afterwards or whether it's just a bit of fun, which is totally fine, but I know myself, I wouldn't just be going on a trip with a boy if it was a bit of fun.

To recap on this point, don't do it thinking that it will mean the same thing to them, because that's a massive assumption and it may be wrong. And don't go away with them without them knowing that it does mean something to you. And by the way, for anyone out there who is nerdy like me and just enjoys the language to put to these things, in number four, we were talking about post-framing. In other words, sending a message or having a conversation with someone after the fact to let them know that it had meaning to you. This is pre-framing, letting them know before you do the thing that it will have meaning to you.

If you haven't already, we have a brand new free guide on how to communicate your standards and boundaries. It is at boldstandards.com. The whole idea of this guide is to help teach people the language of communicating standards, because so many of us, we want to have high standards, but then we get scared in the moment to actually communicate them. This guide shows you what they look like in practice with specific things you can say. Check it out for free at boldstandards.com. Bye.