Love Life with Matthew Hussey - (Rewind): Are You Most Productive When Single or In A Relationship?

Episode Date: August 25, 2023

Have you ever worried that being in a relationship makes it harder to achieve your goals? It's a common worry that people have: "I won't be able to juggle all the things I want to do in life and also devote myself to someone". If you've struggled with this dilemma before (or dated people who have), then this clip is for you. Matthew and Stephen talk about the benefits of being single vs. a relationship and how to reframe your lens to be able to make either work for you. --- ►► Transform Your Relationship With Life in Just 6 Days Learn More About the Matthew Hussey Retreat at. . . → http://www.MHRetreat.com

If you're not willing to invest time in those early stages to actually get a meaningful relationship off the ground, then you're never going to have the bond necessary to carry you to the next stage. Hey everyone, it's Matthew Hussey with the Love Life Podcast. Thank you so much for being here. I think you're going to enjoy this clip. It's a classic from the archives. Check it out. And don't forget, if you can leave us a review on iTunes, it would mean the world. It helps us spread the word about this podcast. All right, let's get into the episode. People were talking and had a lot of opinions on whether you are more productive in a relationship or single. Now, that sounds like just one of those things that's very debatable, right? There's

obviously highly successful for whatever metric you want to say. There's successful people who are married. There's successful people who are single. So you can look at it either way. Of course, there are many people who said, well, actually, I do get a lot more done when I'm single. And that causes some conflict for me, because then I think, well, in a relationship, am I going to be able to achieve the things I want to achieve or am I going to have to limit my goals? I think that is interesting. And I don't know if you agree with me, but in some sense, that is a particular kind of person's problem. But also, if you're very driven, you're very like type A, it's a very like, oh, I'm driven to do things kind of issue. But also, there's so much there about your choices.

And I think one big takeaway I thought of is, it's really important if you are in that place where you want to build, build, build, you have to be really careful about how you give out your energy, even in short-term relationships. This idea of whether you're more productive single or in a relationship is missing a major caveat. There should be a third option. If you really want to talk about what state is most productive, you have to compare being in a relationship with, I think you might even need four. Four categories.

Right. Being single and not looking. Being single and looking, being in the building phases of a relationship and being in a long-term relationship. If you really want to talk about productivity, you have to talk about those four things. And the reason is, you're right. If you say I'm single and not looking, you have a lot more time on your hands than if you're single and looking. Right. Because dating is time consuming.

There are ways to mitigate that, which is why I'm a big believer in the FaceTime date before the real time date, before the in-person. I'm a big fan of the five-minute phone call over going and meeting someone for two hours that you've never met before. I'm a big fan of, you know, uh, uh, of not having really labored dates, but instead going for a quick drink or coffee and just seeing where you're at. But so there are ways to minimize the amount of time that looking for someone takes, but looking for someone is a lot more time consuming than not looking for someone. So if you say, you know, so already there's a difference in how productive you can be in other areas of your life based on that. Although even if you follow our advice, if you follow our advice, then even looking shouldn't cost you a lot of time. The dating part might, but the part where you meet people doesn't have to, because you can meet people doing a lot of things you'd like to do anyway.

Join a running club, join a society that teaches something so that you're learning something you want to learn at the same time as possibly meeting new people. Networking events, meeting new people online. There are wins to be had from those things that you'll have even if you don't meet someone. So there's a sense in which you could double up on your productivity there, meeting someone and doing things. And don't waste your time with dead ends and people who aren't giving you what you want. So let's also add that into the mix because now you have a fifth category, which is people who are not in a relationship but are spending an inordinate amount of time having sleepovers with somebody that is not going anywhere with.

I heard Russell Brand say recently, don't invest time in things that you don't have a future with. He was talking about porn, but it applies to relationships too. By the way, that depends on what phase you're in, whether you're actually looking for serious or not, because you might spend time with someone you don't see a future with if you're not serious and just having a good time. That's fine. No judgment there. But so those two categories, those two or three categories now, single and not looking, single and looking, or single and in limbo with someone that is not going anywhere with, That's incredibly time consuming. Now you have

in a relationship where you're trying to build it. And I think that it's like a plane, right? It takes a lot of energy to get it in the air. It takes a little less energy once it's in the air. Once a plane's up in the air, it's the fuel. You still need fuel, but you're keeping it in the air. That's different than I'm trying to get the plane in the air in the first place. And if you're keeping it in the air. That's different than I'm trying to get the plane in the air in the first place. And if you're not willing to invest time in those early stages to actually get a meaningful relationship off the ground, then you're never going to have the bond necessary to carry you to the next stage. So if you compare that with being in a long-term relationship, I think there is, it is sometimes easier to be productive. It's easier to be more productive in a long-term relationship than it is in a relationship that's

finding its feet. A, because in a relationship that's finding its feet, you have all of the, your brain chemistry is going haywire, all of the excitement, the, the, you know, the chemicals being released. The, I mean, you are, you are, you've been given the most amazing new toy to focus just as much on everything else in your life at that point is really difficult. And of course, yeah. People compare it to like a drug, right? Right. And there's, in evolutionary terms, that's part of what is claimed is necessary to get us to that next stage, right? We need those chemicals in order to get us to the next stage. Who would marry but for the chemicals, Jameson? Not me.

Oh, those lovely chemicals. So, you know, that stage is hard to be productive just from the point of view of having all of that going on. Then on top of that, you've got your investing time and energy into getting to know someone. Once you're in a long-term relationship, I'm still laughing at those lovely chemicals. Once you're in a relationship long-term, you've got now a partner that may be understanding of the fact that you really want to work on this goal or you've got something you want to make happen. You're in a busy phase of your life. It's sort of easier, isn't it, for someone to make peace with that when you're in a stable relationship. Because the relationship has a foundation that can support it. Whereas

when a relationship is growing, it may not have the foundation to support you being in a really busy phase of your life where there's so many other priorities and that's not one of them. The relationship may never get off the ground in the first place. So if we're discussing productivity and whether it's more productive to be single in a relationship, I think it's oversimplified because of all those different states that you could be in. And let's add another complexity. There are people in relationships with people that are incredibly supportive of their purpose and their mission. And there are people who are in relationships where anytime you try to focus on anything that's not that person, they get upset.

Right. And that's why it's not just about connection with someone, it's the compatibility. And being really honest about the kind of partner you want. Some people say like, I want a partner who's just as driven as me and they're both this crazy power couple, but they're going to live a very unusual relationship in a lot of ways, right? And as long as you can accept that, that you're both going to be these hyper-driven people, that's okay. But some people might say they want someone who's going to be these hyper-driven people. That's okay. But some people might say, you know, they want someone who's going to be supportive and support their dream. And that is a kind of more selfish thing really. But some people, it's just like, maybe that works for them. And you kind of need to start to know and figure out what you really want and will be happy.

Yes. And look, compatibility is an interesting thing. It's not that you, you could be a super driven person who's trying to achieve a lot and you want to find someone who's okay with that. And people can be okay with that for different reasons. People can be okay with that because they've also got their big thing that, you know, they're super driven about, but they could also be okay with it because you guys aren't playing the same game in life. You know, like it's not there is no there is no right and wrong you know you i we're we're in our company for example we're on kind of a mission and we're really excited about that mission and i'm sort of wired in a way that's

always made me excited about building things and and creating. And it's sort of, it has a good aspect to it and a bad aspect to it. Good aspect when I'm trying to genuinely with great good intention, change the world, or that sounds so bloody grandiose, but you know, when I'm trying to make a positive impact, uh, let's say more humbly that that's a positive side of it. The egoic side of it that is just more, more, more, more, more is the, that's a positive side of it the egoic side of it that is just more more more more more is the they're not so good side of it that can take over at times um but that's my wiring is that way other people's wiring is different you know it's not they're not trying to do that i mean i'm my god i've met people who are much more naturally happy than me

who are not trying to do that. Where they're just like, there's a simplicity to their lives and what they're doing and where their focus is. And they're quite happy not to be on that giant mission. I think that's cool too. I don't think, I don't have any judgment of that. And sometimes those two people can work quite well together. You know, there's that idea of the gardener and the flower, every relationship needs a flower and a, and a gardener, um, you know, and sometimes,

but then there's relationships where you take turns a little bit, you know, you, you're both flowers and gardeners at different times, depending on what phase each of you are in. So this is the, this is the stuff of relationships, Steve. All right, everyone, that's it for today. But before you go, I have some important news. Our next live retreat dates are set from the 9th to the 15th of October this year. It's taking place in Fort Lauderdale on the beach. We're going to be spending six days together diving deep on your biggest life challenges, whether they're to do with your confidence,

your relationships, or just past trauma that you know is still getting in the way of you creating the life you want or experiencing the kind of happiness and peace you want to experience. If you want to experience. If you want to join us, go to mhretreat.com to apply right now.

This is going to be an incredible event and we hope to see you there. Thanks for listening as always. And I'll speak to you in the next episode of Love Life.