Love Life with Matthew Hussey - (Rewind): "Bad Texter" or Just Not That Into You?
Episode Date: June 27, 2025Few things can match the heady exhilaration of dating someone and building momentum through regular texting and a sense of closeness. But what about when the texting on their end is . . . kind of slow... and intermittent . . . where there are big gaps in your text exchanges that leave you feeling unsure as to where, exactly, you stand with that person? Feeling this way might even lead you to start analyzing their relationship with their phone the next time you’re with them, looking for clues as to whether their sporadic phone usage is consistent in their life or reserved just for you. At some point, they might’ve even shared a generic line with you like, “I’m so rubbish with my phone,” or “I’m really bad at replying to people!” But is this really true? In this week’s episode, I not only answer these questions, but I dig into a really common mistake people make in this area. --- ►► Transform Your Relationship With Life Learn More About the Matthew Hussey Retreat at . . . → http://www.MHRetreat.com ►► Get The Momentum Texts → http://www.MomentumTexts.com ►► Ask Matthew AI Your Biggest Dating Question for Free Now at. . . → http://www.AskMH.com
Transcript
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You are a terrible texter and let them respond,
well, I just don't really like texting.
OK, well then pick up the phone and call me.
I want to hear from you.
I miss your voice.
You don't have to be me, Matthew Hussey. Enjoy this classic clip from
our archives. And if you want to let me know what you think or how this podcast is helping
you, don't forget to leave me a review on iTunes under the Love Life podcast.
Enjoy.
Do you find yourself in the early stages
of dating someone right now
and getting increasingly frustrated or even anxious
that they're not texting you or calling you
as much as you want?
And you find yourself wondering,
is this person just bad at texting
or are they really just not that into me,
in which case I am gonna get hurt here.
This is tricky because early on in dating,
we don't feel or even have a right to tell someone
that they should text us more. If we've only just met someone on an app or even we've only been on a date with
them and they're texting us less than we would like, it's hard to say, hey I want
you to reach out more because that person might be like, hey, I just met you,
and you're not such a big part of my life yet.
And that's true.
At that point, someone doesn't know us that well,
we've not become a priority to someone,
they have other things going on in their life, I hope.
And therefore, we might not be getting
as much communication as our ego would
like but it doesn't mean it's the wrong amount of communication we're getting. However, over
time, and by that I mean days and weeks, not months, the amount of communication should
build. There should be a trajectory to the communication. We should feel like
there's momentum building. There is a sense of progress. If we feel no progress, that's a
problem. So this is the first thing I want you to think about when you're trying to ascertain
whether someone is just not great at certain forms of communication
or whether they just don't like you all that much
is the communication improving.
The second thing I want you to think about
is the difference between inconsistency and scarcity.
If someone is inconsistent with their communication,
if one day they send you lots and lots of messages
and they're really gushy and they're all over you,
and then you don't hear from them for four days,
that's a problem.
That's inconsistency.
And inconsistency is often a red flag.
It's a sign of something worse.
It might be that they're just seeing multiple people
and they're juggling you with other people
and they're not really invested in this relationship at all.
It might be that they've got a kind of novelty-based
fast food attitude toward their dating life with you
where when they want something, they're all over you,
whether it's attention or validation or sex.
But then as soon as they don't want something anymore,
they're off to the next thing
and they don't wanna know you at all.
That's a problem. Scarcity is different from inconsistency. Scarcity is when the communication isn't necessarily
inconsistent but you just don't feel like you're getting enough of it. Now, like I said,
in the very beginning, that might just be because you're not a priority to someone yet
and that's okay. But as things
progress, if there's still a scarcity of communication, you're not getting as much as you would like,
then we have to look at is this because someone doesn't like you? Or is it because they just
don't value communication in the way that you do. It's hard to have a conversation about this
without someone asking like, what's the right amount?
What's the right amount of texting someone in dating?
What's the right amount of calling
when they're not with you?
And there is no right answer to that.
The answer is somewhere between no communication at all
and so much communication that you communicate, you have no life.
In the middle is just compatibility. How much do you need? How much do they need? And that's
where a lot of issues arise. What's frustrating is that a lot of conversations between people
around this end up being debates about texting,
the value of texting or the value of phone calls.
It's typical for clients to come to me and say,
I'm dating someone and they tell me that they just,
they're a bad texter.
They're just really, I'm just crap at texting.
I'm just no good at texting.
Or they say, I'm just really bad with my phone.
Or I hate phone calls.
I just, I can't stand being on the phone.
It drives me crazy.
Some people may even have a noble reason for it. I just, I just trying to reduce my screen time.
I don't like being on my phone all the time. I feel like I want to like put it down. And if
I'm texting all the time, then I'm constantly checking my phone. Whatever the reason,
checking my phone. Whatever the reason, the danger is that when
we think about that, we get drawn into the weeds
of what should actually be a much more fundamental
conversation.
The fundamental conversation is not one of arguing about
the medium, it's assessing your need for closeness.
Closeness is about how connected you feel to a person
when you're not spending time together in person.
In other words, each day, do you feel like
you're connected to that person's life?
Do you feel like you know anything
about what's going on in their day
or what they're going through or what their moods are, what the highlights of their day are? Do they know anything about what's going on in their day or what they're going through or what their moods are,
what the highlights of their day are.
Do they know anything about your day?
And if too many days in a row,
the answer is we're not connected,
we know nothing about each other's day
or how we're feeling,
then there's a problem of closeness.
Not just a kind of argument to be had about communication.
I think that we get dragged down these alleyways
that are not all that important when we argue,
but I like texting, I hate texting,
but you know, I just wish you would text me
because I really enjoy it.
Now you're having a debate about texting as a concept,
but what is your need for a text really? It's not
your need for words on a screen. Your need for a text is your need to feel
close to somebody. I don't really care where people get their closeness as long
as they get it. If someone doesn't text you but they're amazing at calling you,
that can solve that problem. If someone is great at leaving you voice memos,
if they're like, I hate texting,
but they leave you these beautiful voice notes
and they tell you about their day
and they ask you about yours, then you have closeness.
You see, it's not about the medium.
It's about the level of closeness.
And what I wanna encourage you to do
is think about this way of framing up the conversation
when you bring your grievances to somebody. If you're not getting your needs met,
then I want you to go to somebody and have a conversation about connection and closeness,
not a debate about a medium. So you can say to somebody,
hey, look, I know I get that you don't love
being on your phone or sitting on your phone,
on a phone call isn't something
that you're naturally drawn towards,
but the truth is I just don't feel close to you
when we're not together because we're not
in each other's lives, we're not talking to each other.
And that for me is an issue because I don't wanna just wait We're not in each other's lives. We're not talking to each other.
And that for me is an issue because I don't want to just wait till the next time I see
you to feel like I know anything about your day or you know anything about mine.
So for me, it's just, I, you know, I want to be close to the person that I'm with and
I don't feel close when we're not together.
So can we work on that?
Can we fix that?
That opens up a dialogue about something
much more important than whether someone likes texting
and they can't distract you with that conversation.
And by the way, the way I'm having the conversation
is something that, it's a way to have the conversation
further down the line.
If you're in early dating with someone, you've been on a few dates,
there's attraction there, but you feel like you don't hear from the person enough,
you can point that out. You can make fun of it.
You are a terrible texter and let them respond,
well, I just don't really like texting.
Okay, well then pick up the phone and call me.
I want to hear from you, I miss your voice.
You don't have to be meek about these things.
You can even be a bit bold, but cute at the same time
and text someone and say, you need to text me more.
Okay, bye, kiss.
A text like that is playfully demanding,
but it also does send a message to someone.
And if it ever graduates into a bigger conversation,
maybe you're in person sometime
and you end up talking about it,
again, just don't, you don't have to get in the weeds
about it, just make it a conversation about,
I like to hear from you, I wanna hear from you more.
And let it be that.
Now, if ultimately the result of that conversation
is somebody saying, I just really don't,
I just don't like texting, I don't like phone calls,
and I'm only gonna be able to give this much communication
when we're not together.
And that really falls short of your needs,
then you have an issue of compatibility.
Even if you do like me, we're not compatible
because I don't feel close to the person I'm with,
not nearly close enough to be happy.
I don't even need to ask myself the question,
are you into me?
The question really becomes, am I happy?
Am I happy with the way that you communicate? And if the answer really becomes, am I happy? Am I happy with the way that you communicate?
And if the answer is no,
it doesn't matter if they're into you or not.
Of course, there are always gonna be moments
between people where you're 20% apart, right?
It could be that you're in a relationship,
not just early dating,
it could be you're in a relationship
where you have amazing date nights and quality time together
when in the evenings, but during someone's working day, they don't text you as much as you would like.
But maybe when they're in work mode, they really do lose themselves in work mode.
And that might be a conversation about, hey, I know that when you're at work,
you kind of just get into a flow and you lose yourself
and you don't want to be on your phone in that time.
I get that.
But even if you at lunchtime just sent me a message
telling me that you love me, that would go a long way.
Those are conversations about preferences,
about something that would be nice to have,
something that would mean a lot to you.
But it's not necessarily a fundamental conversation
about a lack of closeness and connection in the relationship.
The conversation someone has with you
about being a bad texter,
or being bad with their phone,
or not liking being on the phone, is a distraction.
The conversation you should be having with someone is
whatever is the case about what you do and don't like,
I need to feel like I'm close to the person that I'm with.
And if I don't feel that, that's a problem for me.
If someone feels that kind of powerful energy
from you talking about something actually meaningful
and important, not texting,
they're gonna have to elevate their conversation too.
And you'll quickly find out whether this is a person
who's interested in investing more
and making sure there's closeness,
or whether this was someone who was just using texting
as an excuse for the fact that they were never really
into the relationship in the first place.
Thanks for listening everybody.
And before you leave,
if you are struggling with commitment right now,
because you feel like no one wants to commit,
or worse, no one wants to commit to you and you always feel like the person before the
person they end up with I have something for you it is called from casual to
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incredibly helpful, and it will change the way you date.
That link again is getcommitment.com.
Go check it out now, and I'll see you
in the next episode of Love Life.