Love Life with Matthew Hussey - (Rewind): Don't Like Their Behavior? Use These 3 Simple Tips!

Episode Date: March 22, 2024

If you’ve been in the early dating stages with someone, you may have noticed after a few weeks when you get one of those “uh-oh” moments. Maybe they didn't call when they said they would. Or they're a little ignorant about something that’s important to you. Or appeared to take something you did for granted. It might not be terrible behavior, but you know it’s behavior you don’t want to be a pattern for the rest of your relationship. So how do you handle the conversation without letting your emotions get the better of you? I.e. without reacting in a way that would hurt rather than help the relationship... In this week’s episode, I’m going to give 3 steps of exactly how to handle this difficult conversation, so that you can handle it in a productive way when it happens. This is how you make them want to be a better person for you... ►► Pre-Order My New Book, "Love Life" at → http://www.LoveLifeBook.com ►► Conquer Your Dating Fears and Reinvent Your Approach to Finding Love Again. Watch the Replay of my Event, The Love Life Reset. Find out How at . . . → The Love Life Reset REPLAY

Our first reaction to something is us just guessing at it. We're making a decision based on a story we've constructed in our minds, not on the realitysey with the Love Life Podcast. Thank you so much for being here. I think you're going to enjoy this clip. It's a classic from the archives. Check it out. And don't forget, if you can leave us a review on iTunes, it would mean the world. It helps us spread the word about this podcast. All right, let's get into the episode. In this video, I give you three simple steps to bringing up something your partner has done that you don't like in a way that strengthens instead of weakens your relationship. See, we got a comment in the last couple of weeks that I wanted to address.

Sophie B says, so this is not a direct criticism, but I would love to see some videos about how to maintain a good relationship. I've got the guy, but new problems start to come up. How can I fight in an effective way? What can I do to maintain a good energy in my relationship? And how can I work on myself within a relationship?

All of us, when we meet someone special, are gonna have a moment where that person does something we don't like. And in that moment, we are either gonna have a reaction that hurts or helps our relationship, that destroys or builds. This will depend on the meaning we give to what someone else has done.

And the most dangerous meanings tend to be the ones we rush to from a place of insecurity or fear or vulnerability when we think we've been wronged. And when we think we've been wronged, we tend to ascribe the worst motive to what someone has done. But there's something I want you to remember in a moment like this. There's a philosophical principle called Hanlon's Razor. Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Now, what this means is sometimes we attribute the worst intentions to someone's actions when really what we're encountering is a form of stupidity or ignorance or thoughtlessness. When someone does something that hurts us, very often it wasn't that they were trying to hurt us, they just weren't really thinking. And you may say, that's still bad.

And that may be true, but it's not as bad. See, different meanings have different emotional intensity. They are trying to hurt me. They don't care about me. They don't think I'm worthy. They don't love me. Those have a very strong emotional intensity. They weren't really thinking, less so.

And in any case, our first reaction to something is us just guessing at it. We're making a decision based on a story we've constructed in our minds, not on the reality of what's actually going on. So here are three simple steps that you can use anytime you want to bring up something you're not happy about that will strengthen instead of weaken your relationship. The first is simply to slow down. I'm far more likely to regret my quick reactions than the ones I take a moment to consider. And that doesn't mean not saying anything, but think about it this way. If your conclusion is right, then it will still be right five minutes from now,

or an hour from now, or tonight when you see your partner. But if you rush your reaction, that can be something that you'll easily regret. Second, phone a friend. Phone the friend in your life that is objective, that is measured in his or her response to situations. Not the person who's immediately going to back you up. Not the kind of friend who... What's the best way to explain this?

He knew that that meeting today was really important to me. And I haven't heard from him in the last three hours. Oh hell no! That man need to know he f***ed up. I at least thought he'd ask me, you know, how it went or... I'm gonna speak to him. No, don't. You don't need to say anything.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna speak to him. Monkey is... I'm gonna speak to him. No, I'm gonna don't need to say anything. I'm gonna... I'm gonna speak to him. Monkey is... I'm gonna speak to him. No I'm gonna speak to... I'll come over. Don't come over. I'm coming over right now. Don't come over. Hang on I'm on the phone Strange Mel. Don't bring Strange Mel. He's probably cheating. Cheating? Probably cheating. You should come over. Already on my way. Bring Strange Mel. Oh, she's already here.

Don't call that type of friend. Here's the friend you need. The one that doesn't simply buy your story. The one that knows you well enough that they can tell you when they think that you're going overboard. When you're falling prey to your normal patterns. They can check you. They're not afraid to check you and be like, you know what, you're overreacting here. Or just take a beat.

You know, I think you should go in a little calmer and talk like this. They can help you navigate the emotional storm you're in. Because guess what? When you're upset, when you're angry, when you're too close to something, you're drunk and you need to talk to a sober person. But not just any sober person, a wise sober person.

Number three, use charming candor. Now, when we feel wronged, we often go to one of two places. We either immediately as a reflex get aggressive and serious and angry, or we get passive aggressive and someone has to draw out of us what's wrong because they know our energy has changed but they don't know why and so we're building up to the moment where we're going to unleash all of this truth on them. There is a space to come to people in a much more relaxed way and I call it charming candor because it allows you to be candid but at the same time maintain your charming warm demeanor. Like if you're dating a guy and for the last two or three dates,

you've gone over to his side of town and the next day he tries to set up, he says, "'Hey, wanna come to this bar near me?' And it's on his side of town again." You don't have to set up a time for a serious conversation with him to talk about it. Instead, you can just text him back, "'Your turn to come to me, lazy.'"

That is charming candor because you're being playful. You're not being over serious, but you are pointing out that you want him to come to you. You're putting the light on the situation. And you may say, but it's disrespectful that he's asking me to come to his side of town again. Okay. If your playful little jab doesn't create a change in behavior, now you can have a more serious conversation. But it doesn't have to go straight to serious. Sometimes being playful, but speaking the truth, puts something on someone's radar in a way that that's enough. They have awareness now and they can adjust. Look, I'm passionate about this subject because I'm interested in the truth of relationships, not the way we want them to be,

not the way they are on a Hallmark card, not the way they are in a movie, but the way they really are. And what I've learned is one of the harsh truths about relationships is that if we continuously have the wrong reaction to things, the wrong reaction can cost us the right person. Now, yes, the right person, the right relationship,

the right love can take a lot of damage, right? It's not fickle, it's not brittle. You can do a lot wrong with the right relationship and still hold onto it. But A, that doesn't mean it will thrive. And B, it doesn't mean that sustained injury to a relationship over time won't eventually be the death of it. Our

actions, our reactions matter. And if you take one thing from this video, I want it to be that in moments when you feel vulnerable or threatened or insecure or wronged, you take a moment to really assess whether your reaction is coming from your own insecurities, your own demons, your own scars, or whether it's genuinely a reaction to the reality of the situation. And the only way that we'll know more

about what the reality of the situation actually is and be able to use that information to have a more positive, productive conversation with our partner is to react more consciously and communicate more confidently. If you haven't already, grab yourself a copy of the Momentum Texts program. In this program, I give you very practical things that you can do to move an early dating situation forward. Avoid messages that don't go anywhere. Avoid dates that never result in follow-up or situationships that never result

in a commitment. This is the most practical early dating program you will find and it's super reasonable to get your hands on at $7. Go check it out at MomentumTexts.com.