Love Life with Matthew Hussey - (Rewind): Feel Them Pulling Away? AVOID THIS MISTAKE
Episode Date: October 4, 2024I’ve heard this story a thousand times before . . . You go on a date with someone and hit it off. Things seem to be going well, and pretty soon, you're seeing each other all the time. You text th...em daily, make plans for the future, and every time their name pops up on your phone, you feel a surge of happiness and excitement. That very same excitement keeps hitting new peaks until, suddenly, you feel a shift. They grow more and more distant, and at first you're not sure whether you're imagining it or whether they really are pulling away. You double down on effort and communication, but it only seems to drive them further away until eventually they call it a day and stops messaging altogether. If this has ever happened to you, then you know it can drive you crazy working out how to act when someone is clearly pulling away from you. But as it turns out, there is a right way and a wrong way to proceed when this happens, and it can determine whether someone stays or goes. In today’s episode, I’ll share with you the #1 reason why people pull away and a high-value way to respond to it. ►► Never Face Your Love Life Alone Again Try Matthew AI for Free at. . . → http://www.AskMH.com ▼ Get My Latest Dating Tips and Connect With Me… ▼ Facebook → @coachmatthewhussey Instagram → @thematthewhussey Twitter → @matthewhussey
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Remember, none of the things like charisma, confidence, boldness, the fact that I just feel so good around them,
none of those things are things that on their own could make a great relationship. Does this sound like a familiar story to you?
You meet someone and you feel something that maybe you haven't felt in a while.
You feel attracted, you feel connected, and the best part is they
feel the same way. And then, just as you're allowing your hopes to run away with themselves,
you're beginning to think about what this could mean, you start to feel that person
pull away. Their energy changes, maybe their communication becomes less consistent,
maybe their responses to you get shorter, maybe they stop saying some of the intense things
that they were saying in the beginning. Those things that stoked your hope in the first place,
the things that got you all excited, they stopped saying.
It leaves us wondering what on earth went wrong when everything seemed to be going so
right.
Now, I want to talk about one of the potential reasons that it happened, that they went cold.
And I also want to talk about the biggest mistake that we tend to make when this happens.
People pull away oftentimes because they have sensed something in us that is trying too hard,
that has made them too important too quickly.
And one of the negative effects of this is that someone begins to feel that
we've made up our minds about them and who they are and how valuable they should be in our lives
before they've really earned it. And when we do that and when they sense that, our value goes
down because they ask themselves the question, why am I so important to this person so quickly?
What's going on with them that I have suddenly become so valuable in their life, even though A,
they don't know me that well,
and B, I haven't actually done that much for them.
It's not like I've invested a ton into their life.
So why am I suddenly so important?
And when someone feels that and your value goes down,
there's that combination of your value has gone down
to that person, but you also value has gone down to that person,
but you also now feel very intense to that person.
And so they start to pull back.
Now, onto the mistake that we often make
when we feel someone pull away.
Because we've made this person so important,
what kicks in when they pull away is a fight instinct. I am going to fight for this.
I'm going to go out my way to try to keep this because it's really valuable and it's really
important. Now, why have we made it so valuable and so important? Number one, a scarcity mindset.
If we don't meet anyone we like very often, if we feel like love is really elusive, then if we even get a taste of being with somebody, we'll do anything to keep it.
Number two, impatience.
We want the result today.
We don't want to wait another year or five years or more.
We want it today.
So if it feels like it's right in front of us, I'll do anything I
have to to keep it. And number three, low self-esteem. We don't believe in our own value.
This is a really interesting one because what happens when we find ourselves fighting for
someone who is pulling away from us is by definition, we have devalued ourselves and overvalued them
and what they bring to the table.
Let's try an experiment for a moment.
Pause this video for a moment when I say this
and just write down what it is you are attracted to
in this person and be really honest about this.
Don't write answers that sound good. Write the truth.
What is it about this person that you're drawn to? Now, pay attention to your answer because often
the answers are very revealing about something that we are overvaluing. If you wrote down
they're really attractive, if you wrote down their confidence, the connection you feel
with them, or if you had trouble writing something down because you're like, I
guess it's it's hard to explain, I just, I don't know, there's just something about
them. Pay very close attention to these things because none of them are
qualities that make someone an amazing partner.
I shared the stage not too long ago with my dear friend, Dr. Ramani, and she said,
anytime someone says to her, there's just something about him, she starts to see alarm
bells because as she describes it, that is the definition of a trauma bond.
You're not actually attracted to them
because they have wonderful relationship traits
that would make them a great partner
or do make them a great partner.
You're attracted to them because of some ethereal,
hard to put your finger on feeling
that compels you to keep trying.
What are the qualities that make someone a great partner?
Kindness, empathy, compassion. They show up for me. They're reliable. They're consistent. They're
a great communicator. They're honest, trustworthy. They're a great teammate. They care about my day
and the challenges in my life and want to support me in those. Those are the
kinds of qualities that make for a great relationship. But those are rarely the things
people describe when they say why they can't get someone off their mind, why they're so attracted
to that person, why they decided they were the right person. Remember, none of the things like charisma, confidence, boldness, sex appeal, connection even,
the fact that we can talk about all sorts of different subjects,
the fact that I just feel so good around them,
none of those things are things that on their own could make a great relationship.
They're great, wonderful things to have.
But none of them are the really, really valuable things that someone shows us when we realize,
oh, this person will be an incredible teammate.
And if you're willing to be all of those traits that do make you an incredible teammate,
you are trustworthy, you are committed, you are loyal, you are communicative,
you are consistent, you are generous, you are a great teammate, then what you have is worth its
weight in gold. That's the really rare stuff. That's the stuff of true character that is so valuable.
So why are you cheapening that and making so important these things that you think they
have?
One of the things I've come across more than anything in my career is people who overvalue
someone that they have a great time with.
I want you to think about it in a business context for a moment. I may really enjoy being around somebody, spending time with them, chatting with them,
having a night out with them, but none of those things mean that that person would be a great
partner in business if I wanted to build a business with someone. Well, a relationship,
a romantic relationship is like a company.
It's a company of two.
And just because someone is great company,
it doesn't mean they can make a great company.
Just because someone is great company,
it doesn't mean they can make a great company.
Someone can be wonderful to hang out with,
but can they build an amazing relationship with you? If they're pulling away, we already know that's not a good sign of someone
who can actually build something with you. So the appropriate response, by the way, when we feel
someone pulling away is to become less certain of them. The appropriate response
is to say, oh you're backing off, I feel you getting colder, I feel you pulling away.
That's making me re-evaluate how right you are for me. That's making me start to allocate more time
and energy to other things in my life. That's making me think, well maybe it is time to start
dating other people if you're in that place. Someone else's uncertainty about you is not an indication of your lack of value. Someone's uncertainty
should be an indication of their lack of value to you. Because one of the greatest things you can
have in a partner is someone who is certain about you. Look, should you be willing to fight for
someone? Yes. But here's the right context for fighting for someone.
When there is a hurdle that the two of you need to get over to be together,
despite wanting to be together.
Romeo and Juliet wanted to be together,
but they were from different houses and there was a politics around them being together.
That was a hurdle that they both mutually wanted to get over.
It wasn't Romeo saying, I'll fight for Juliet, even though she's not sure about me.
Ask yourself if you're playing Romeo and Juliet with someone and the hurdle is their uncertainty.
Because if it is, why are you fighting for this person? The only person worth having in life
is a person who values what we have to give.
And the great irony is that they won't value
what we have to give
if we don't put a high price on it ourselves.
If we feel someone pulling away,
and instead of going, oh, you seem to not see my value.
That makes you less valuable to me.
If instead of doing that, we feel someone pulling away and go, no, I'll fight for you.
Then what they start to feel is, oh, this person's willing to fight for me even when
I'm not trying, even when I'm pulling away.
Firstly, that feels very intense now.
And secondly, what does that say about their value?
What does that say about who they are and their confidence?
What we need to do is show someone that there are real stakes, there are real consequences
to you not being sure about me.
I may have been trying before.
I may have been showing you my best and showing you what I was capable of.
But the moment you start taking that for granted, the moment you start showing me that you're not sure about me, you become less worthy of all of
this effort I'm giving you right now. You become less worthy of all of these wonderful things that
I have to offer someone, which by the way, are an incredible gift. You start making me question if
you're the person that I want to give that to. And if you really can see, oh, there's consequences to me not trying.
There's consequences to me not being sure about you.
Then my value to you starts going up.
What someone needs to realize from us is, yes, I find you sexy.
Yes, I love being around you.
You turn me on.
I find you fun.
I find you exciting.
I enjoy your company.
But none of that is more important than what's right for me. I may be attracted to you, but I am far more attracted to the life I want for myself.
When I'm coaching people, it's not just about telling them you need to be less intense. It's
about solving the deeper issue of why we are being intense. Being too intense is often a byproduct of overvaluing somebody else
and what they bring to the table and undervaluing ourselves and what we bring to the table.
Now, look, I'm not saying that this person is a terrible person. It may just be someone who
hasn't had a fair shot at seeing your value yet, partly because in the process you didn't value yourself.
But whether your goal is to move on from this person
or to finally have them see your value,
the answer is the same.
It's taking big, bold moves in your life
to become strong and confident
in a way that either allows them to see it
and become newly attracted to it
or allows you to move on and find the love you
actually deserve with someone who's check it out. It is a one hour free training, my most popular free training of
all time. Over a million people have now been through this. That's literally over a million
people have now been through this. And if you haven't seen it, it is packed with advice on how
you can start making real progress in your love life this year. Go over to datingwithresults.com
to watch that right now. As I said, it's completely
free. You can be watching it in the next 30 seconds and you're missing out if you don't see
it. So go to datingwithresults.com. I'll see you in the next episode. Be well and love life. Outro Music