Love Life with Matthew Hussey - (Rewind): Feeling Insecure About Their Ex? WATCH THIS

Episode Date: April 12, 2024

Have you ever felt jealous about your ex’s previous partners? In the age of social media, it’s easier than ever to see our partner’s history and compare ourselves to our ex’s history. In this episode, we talk about the problem of this “retroactive jealousy”, how it affects us psychologically, and how to let go of it.   ►► Pre-Order My New Book, "Love Life" at → http://www.LoveLifeBook.com ►► FREE Video Training: “Dating With Results” → http://www.DatingWithResults.com

Whoever this person is that has become an almost mythical figure of intimidation in your mind, you're taking a feature of them and making it really, really important. Hey everyone, it's Matthew Hussey with the Love Life Podcast. Thank you so much for being here. I think you're going to enjoy this clip. It's a classic from the archives. Check it out. And don't forget, if you can leave us a review on iTunes, it would mean the world. It helps us spread the word about this podcast. All right, let's get into the episode. Somebody called Brittany wrote into us also, and she was writing in relation to a past episode when we spoke about jealousy and exes and all of that stuff and she said that what we were talking about is actually called retroactive jealousy and that we feel when we feel jealous and insecure about our partner's

past relationships social media makes it super easy to stalk exes and see what they're like I have felt insecure when former girlfriends seem more outgoing and social than me sexier with larger breasts also better careers and I always look she says I always look at boobs that's a major one but I think that's quite interesting because I definitely think that women compare themselves to exes and I'm sure men compare themselves to exes as well but it's just an interesting thing that it's called retroactive jealousy and it's interesting to hear that you know lots of people suffer with that i i sometimes think you know because we all relate to how we may suffer from that in our lives we might take our current partner and and have some imaginary picture of people from their past that we compare ourselves to.

I always think there's something funny about the fact that most of us never consider how we're a ghost in somebody else's life. Like how are we the phantom enemy in the lives of people we've never even met? Like think about it for a moment who you know who that you've ever dated is now dating someone who you've become this this you know foreboding terrifying figure to that they're like, oh, but you know, so wait, what did, what, what does he do for a living or who is he or what's his thing? And you know, they gave your ex gave them just

enough information for them to, you know, emotionally torture themselves. I think it's a really relatable thing she said. And I think what's really interesting about it is we can spend an enormous amount of time comparing ourselves to people and static images on social media and the idea of what people were but the reality is that people that person with the great boobs and whatever she if you met her and you spent a decent amount of time with her she would just become another person she probably isn't that great and there's probably far less to feel insecure about than you feel like there is when you look at her instagram and I think that's a really it's something that we have to be quite sober about because we can drive ourselves crazy

otherwise we've just the sort of idea of what someone is but ultimately they are just another person there's a there's a bit you know there's that great moment in forgetting Sarah Marshall where the what's his name the main dude in that not Russell Brand but the guy who gets his heart broken jason jason siegel you know where he's he the ex he's the ex who got his heart broken yeah and russell brand is the guy that that got the girl and not the guy you want to date that your ex not the guy you want dating your all this snow it's like russell brand on steroids But it's just this great moment where he meets Aldous Snow, Russell Brand's character, out on the water surfing.

And Aldous Snow is just kind of just chill, relaxed, confident guy who's, you know, making cool references. And there's just a moment where Jason Segal is it he just goes you're cool and it's like a moment where he's it's like he wants it to be the moment where he realizes oh you're a complete tool and instead it's like a moment where it just he's almost like i get it i get it you know i get why she'd want to be with you and of course as the movie unfolds you you begin to realize that aldous snow has a whole bunch of issues of his own and you know is not he even he is not the character you know is not the intimidating character that kind of he's once

thought to be in the sense that you realize oh to be with him would be a nightmare and he turns out to be his ex's nightmare um but but in that moment that's almost the like that's almost the most terrifying moment is the idea of meeting someone and and being like man you're cool what i love about that movie too is like it really is just the worst possible situation to get over this ex she's everywhere she's on billboards she's all this stuff and that movie was kind of made a bit before social media was at least the way social media is today and i do think this whole retroactive jealousy thing it is sort of just a bit before social media was at least the way social media is today. And I do think this whole retroactive jealousy thing, it is sort of just a real, like a modern, modern phenomenon.

And I do wonder, like, is this making it just, I mean, look, is it making it just awful for people right now? Or is there also some kind of silver lining here? Are we all just becoming a bit tougher? I don't know if it's new i think it's just you have so many more ways to torture yourself today well totally yeah it's definitely not a new phenomenon but the phenomenon of just it being so almost ridiculously in your face correct yeah yeah yeah i mean it's funny we're funny people are funny I remember being at dinner with a guy before social media was where it is today he was an older guy maybe he was in his late 30s at the time but he was he was kind of funny in the way that he spoke and he was I remember him saying like you know has he was like has my wife you know had had bigger dicks

than me he was like probably like yeah she probably has but you know like i'm me and i have this and you know we have a great relationship and ultimately she chose me and whatever and i i remember when he said it i wanted to throw up i remember being like i you have the fact that you can even admit that and say that out loud is like some kind of jedi level of equanimity that at the time i was like i cannot relate to this you just you know i was like why are you putting this in my head but I kind of look back now and I was and it's almost like he had you know he almost had reached some kind of just level of radical acceptance and maturity where he was just like it doesn't matter yeah well that's it and i think that's that's the

kind of the cherry the points to this right is that if you let it you will care if you stalk your partner's ex you will feel something probably most likely if you think about your partner with other people you will get jealous if you think about all these things you will feel something probably most likely if you think about your partner with other people you will get jealous if you think about all these things you will care because you're a human being so accepting that that is absolutely something that is able to make you feel shit it's able to make you feel bad but then choosing to go as a result I'm going to just avoid it I'm not going to allow myself to open that box I'm not going to allow myself to open that box. I'm not going to allow myself to go there because what's the point? Every time I do, if I was to go there, I would just end up hurting myself.

I agree with that totally. And I think that removing the references to someone and removing all the things that can link you back to them or trigger those thoughts is always a good idea. If you've already kind of, if you've already opened the wound and done the damage, I think one of the things that can really help is just to, just to realize and connect with the idea that whoever this person is that has become an almost mythical figure of intimidation in your mind they're not king of the world they're not queen of the world that you're you're taking a feature of them and making it really really important whether it's that they're really funny or whether it's that they're really beautiful or good looking or whether it's that that dude's got a great body or he's taller or he's whatever, he's more successful. You're taking a feature and blowing out of all proportion.

And you have to get back to the point where you go, no one is a God. No one is king of the world. No one is this person that's, by the way, so intimidating because you think that person has it all together. You're not thinking of that person in their deep, dark moments of despair or the things they're going through in their life or the ways that that person that you're intimidated by has not got happiness figured out or the way that they torture themselves or the way that the thing they're going through right now we we rarely consider that hey everyone before you go anywhere do remember to grab a copy of Love Life, the new book. We are doing amazing giveaways for people who get a copy of the book, including free retreats with me, six days in Florida this year on my live program, one-on-one with me. We're giving away

a few of those and some Love Life sweatshirts and other goodies. Also, everyone who buys a copy of the book is getting a ticket to an event I am doing on May the 4th called Find Your Person. We're going to take the ideas of the book and bring them to life in a practical way for your love life this year, so that you get the ultimate help in finding your person. All of this is on the page lovelifebook.com. So go and grab yours now and order one as a gift for someone in your life as well who wants to raise their standards, find their person, and most importantly, live happily no matter what. I cannot wait for you to read this. In the meantime, be well and love life.