Love Life with Matthew Hussey - (Rewind): Get Too Obsessed When You Like Someone? Listen To This...

Episode Date: July 8, 2022

We’ve all done it. We start to like someone and suddenly we’ve built a whole narrative around what our future could look like with them. They feel like a rare antidote we’ve stumbled across that will take us out of being single and into the relationship we so badly want. The issue is, in the process of doing this, we rob ourselves of the ability to enjoy the experience—too stuck in our heads to be in the moment. We also run the risk of self-sabotaging as we try to see danger where there isn’t any. In this clip, I share an easy and grounding phrase you can use RIGHT NOW to calm yourself down if you find yourself in this situation. P.S. What’s been your experience when you’ve found yourself in this situation? I’d love to hear your story - email at [e-mail] --- Follow Matt on Insta @thematthewhussey --- ►► FREE guide to download: “3 Secrets To Love” → 3SecretsToLove.com

What if I screw it up with this amazing person? What if I sabotage this relationship that has so much potential? Welcome to the Love Life Podcast. It's me, Matthew Hussey. Enjoy this classic clip from our archives. And if you want to let me know what you think or how this podcast is helping you, don't forget to leave me a review on iTunes under the Love Life Podcast. Enjoy. I wanted to make a video about the early stages of dating when we've been on a great date with someone, maybe a couple of great dates, and we've decided that we like them. This is a moment in the dating process where obsession can very quickly occur. We get anxious, we start worrying about the situation, we cannot get this person out of our mind, and then we run into the trap of self-sabotaging

because we're already spending way too much time talking about something that doesn't even know what it is yet. Why does this happen and what can we do about it? Because of course we're all terrified that not only is my anxiety making me miserable, it's the very thing that's going to sabotage the thing that I want to happen. Well let's first examine one of the major reasons why we obsess over someone that we've just met. Projection. We go on a date, we have a great time, we see some things we like, and our brain takes the 5% of what we know about this person, and how could we know more than that? We've only really just spent a small amount of time with them and uses it to extrapolate the other 95% of them. In other words, we fill in the gaps.

And do we fill them in in a measured way? No, we take whatever are the best qualities about them and we extrapolate that into all of the wonderful things they must be in every other area of their life. We do the same, by the way, with the attention someone gives us. Someone gives us a bit of attention and we immediately start extrapolating the amount of attention that we think they're going to give us a week from now or a month from now that will lead to a relationship. What happens as a result of projection is we now get incredibly nervous, both based on how awesome we've made them in our mind and how much potential the relationship has based on what we're seeing from them

in investment right now. Both of these things raise the stakes to an unhealthy degree. It puts them on a pedestal. It puts the relationship or the potential relationship on a pedestal. It puts the relationship or the potential relationship on a pedestal that divorces us from the reality of what we're getting right now. It divorces us from the moment we're in. We're no longer present on the date we're on.

We're living off somewhere with some idealized fantasy version of them in an idealized fantasy relationship with them. And that makes us terrified. What if I screw it up with this amazing person? What if I sabotage this relationship that has so much potential? And when we get anxiety like that, when we obsess like that, we stop bringing ourselves to the date in any kind of an organic way. We stop realizing that we're not just selling in the dating process, i.e. selling our personality and how wonderful we are and how great life would be with us, we're also buying. We're also deciding if we want the person in front of us. We can't decide in totality if we want the person in front of us based on one date or even five dates. We have to see who they become with us. We have to see how much they continue to invest. And we have to remind ourselves of that truth. This projection I have of how important this person is in this

relationship could be is not reality. This is a conversation that we have to have with other people and with ourselves. It's very common to leave a date and tell your friends about that kind thing he did. Think about that for a moment. Someone does a kind thing on a date and immediately you go, I'm attracted to this person and they're a nice guy. I never get attracted to people who are nice guys.

Oh my God, this person has everything. And then you tell the friends about this really sweet thing that this person did on the date and they all go, oh my God, that's amazing. Oh my, he person has everything. And then you tell the friends about this really sweet thing that this person did on the date. And they all go, oh my God, that's amazing. Oh my, he sounds so great. I'm so happy for you. They literally talk to you as if you just got engaged to the person.

I'm so happy for you. That's so cool. That's so exciting. Now that amps you up and you think, oh my God, I really should be afraid of losing this thing because my friends now understand how amazing this person is as well and how much potential it has.

What we have to do in this moment, when our friends get us all amped up or when we get ourselves amped up, we have to respond by saying, we'll see. It was a really great day. You can admit that part. You can even admit that you want it to be more. I mean, it would be really cool if it went somewhere,

but we'll see. We'll see is a very powerful phrase. We'll see says there's more for the other person to do. We'll see says you're not fully convinced yet. We'll see says there's more to learn. We'll see even carries in it an embedded challenge to the person you're dating. That you're not completely sold yet.

They have your attention. But you're not sold yet. Because you can only be sold by a future that actually materializes. By wonderful personality traits that get revealed to be true character over time, not a performance on a date. We'll see is an extraordinarily powerful pressure valve in early dating. And remember this, this is not just a phrase you're using outwardly to friends or other people who try to take you somewhere that currently is science fiction and not reality. It's also an inwardly directed phrase

because it's part of the conversation you have with yourself to temper your own excitement, to temper the hype person inside you who's trying to get you carried away. We'll see, brings our obsession, brings our anxiety down many notches. And when that happens, we then send the next text, make the next phone call, go on the next date with a completely different energy, one of peace and calm and acceptance

of whatever this situation actually is. I hope you enjoyed that clip from the archives, everybody. A nice little bite-sized episode for you. Before you go, don't forget, head over to 3secretstolove.com, where I have a free guide waiting for you to give you three secrets to finding love faster this year. If you want to recover from a breakup, or if you want to get back out there, or both, this is a great guide for you. 3secretstolove.com is where you can find that free guide. And I will speak to you in the next episode of Love Life. you