Love Life with Matthew Hussey - (Rewind): How And When To Open Up In A Relationship

Episode Date: October 13, 2023

We often tell people they should be open in relationships. But what does it mean to be "open"? And can vulnerability become over-sharing, or is it always healthy? In this episode clip, Matt and Steve talk about the art of opening up to your partner and how to communicate vulnerability the right way. --- Follow Matt: http://bit.ly/MatthewHusseyIG Follow Stephen: http://bit.ly/StephenHusseyIG --- Learn 5 Techniques To Get Someone To Open Up To You. Go to GetHimToTalk.com

You know, how many people don't think it's their job on a first date to show up and give someone really warm energy in the first five minutes? How many people think it's someone else's job to come along and impress them? What's up everybody matthew hussey here welcome back to the love life podcast a fun informative insightful clip from one of our previous videos today i think you're gonna love it check it out when people talk about they struggle to be vulnerable, I was trying to think what that means because we don't really mean when you are being vulnerable, you don't mean early on you want to reveal every pertinent fear and phobia and worry and inner insecurity you have to someone.

What is it you want to reveal at the beginning or when you're dating someone? Is it just that you think you are putting on a pose and you want to drop the pose with someone? And I guess for some people, they find it hard to ever drop the pose. And that's why they're always being the witty one, the cutting sarcastic one that sort of thing but do you think it's like people just need one don't want to lose control yeah yes yes they don't want to lose control and by the way that can go in two directions

it can be by never revealing anything about yourself or you get that person who is self-deprecating in a really brash way where they always voice their insecurities and they always talk about every part of themselves and whatever and it's like a kind of in a way it's its own defense mechanism isn't it i'm gonna i'm gonna tell you everything about me and if you don't like me for me then screw you you know this is me and i think that is also a sort of god it's a it's a really aggressive form of vulnerability where you're pre-empting any way that you could be rejected by them by either rejecting yourself first or wearing it really brashly like you well if you can if you can't handle me, then that's on you. Like, I'm going to just be me and I'm going to tell you everything about me.

And that's up to you if you can handle it, handle it or not. And it's like, well, you don't need to say everything all the time. Like the, you know, the, like, I speak my mind, I speak my mind. And you know how annoying the person is who says, I speak my mind. Like, well, not every thought you have is something that needs to be said I speak my mind. And you know how annoying the person is who says, I speak my mind. Well, not every thought you have is something that needs to be said or is useful to the rest of us. Yeah, that person's never the most charming one in the room or the most interesting one to talk to. Part of great conversation is knowing, is being discerning about what to say and what not to say. You know, you may say, vulnerability may say, may be saying to someone, I was a little nervous coming on a date.

You know, I haven't been because I felt like I looked overweight in every single one of them. Like, that's not... Right. Yeah, that's a good example. Yeah. What is that then? That is vulnerability, that second one, but it's a kind of, is it an overexposure? It's a bit of an overshare in a way. There are things that are appropriate for a first date isn't therapy. They're not being paid. Yeah. They're not being paid. Yeah, yeah. It's supposed to be fun. You're supposed to have a good time. And you have to ask yourself, it's like those guys, remember the guys on the Montreal episode of Anthony Bourdain,

Parts Unknown, where the guy who he has dinner with in Montreal says he literally sees hosting as an art, but he also sees being a guest at someone else's dinner party as an art. Oh, yeah. And he will come with stories prepared, whether he's the guest or the host at a dinner party, because he believes in the art of being a great guest, of being a great host. And Bourdain kind of laughs because he's like, wait, you prepare stories. And he's like, yes, absolutely I do. Because it's my job to go and be a great person to spend time with.

And you may or may not go that far on a date, but there's something to that. There's something to understanding that part of our responsibility on a date, I'm not saying it's not both people's responsibility, but being yourself doesn't mean not working to be an entertaining person to spend time in your company. You can be yourself and try. And being entertaining is not wearing every one of your emotional wounds on your sleeve. That's not funny. It's not entertaining. Going on the date and revealing all these ways you think you're a

total mess and what you'd say to your therapist it's like you've picked the exact wrong context it's not that oh they can't handle me it's that they're thinking why why in this moment when we're supposed to be having fun and getting to know each other am i getting revealed traumas or revealed you know a deepest insecurities it's like it's inappropriate right so it is yeah it is a timing issue that's why i think some people do think so what i can't i can't really be myself and it's like no it's there's always a timing and a strategic time to be your weak herself yeah exactly. And look, we reveal our wounds in all sorts of ways. Sometimes it's not by saying, I have this deep, dark insecurity that I'm not enough. Sometimes it's

like, you know, the great one is like where someone's like telling a story and someone's like, oh, so you went to Antigua, who did you go with? And they're like, oh oh i went with my ex-husband but the less said about him the better and you're like okay well they get that but that's a story for another time yeah okay what's someone supposed to do with that like you know the snarky comment made about someone or the gossipy comment made about someone or I remember years ago being on a date with someone who just spoke with such venom still about their ex. And I just remember thinking, why are you telling me this? This is not date conversation. You may have a problem with your ex, but this isn't the time

to bring venom towards someone else. This is the wrong audience. Know your audience. Your job on a date is to bring the towards someone else. This is the wrong audience. Know your audience. Your job on a date is to bring the best of you. It's not like, take me as I am. Well, is that fair? If you're having a shitty day and that means take me as I am

means take me as a shitty person today because I'm having a bad time. That's not fair to the other person. Don't go on the date. Don't go on the date. That's more fair to the other person because they've given up their time and energy to be with you tonight. That's not respecting someone else's time and energy is to bring that to them. It's not, I'm just being myself. And I've said this to you before, Steve, I don't just make a video and go, well, you know, if I'm, if I'm feeling really negative today, the audience is going to get that me

because that's just, I want to be me. No, they expect better from me today. They, if I'm going to get on and make a video, then I have a responsibility to, to bring an energy that, that is good for people, not an energy that brings everybody else down. I mean, honestly, the things people say where they don't read the room, like this is what's called for in this moment. Like it's fascinating to me.

And it's how little sometimes people are preoccupied with being charming, how little they are preoccupied with coming across well, or just coming across as a nice person, a kind person. You know, how many people don't think it's their job on a first date to show up and give someone really warm energy in the first five minutes? How many people think it's someone else's job to come along and impress them? Well, I'm going to see if I like you first. What? Someone came out to see you. You don't have to go on another date with them, but you're there. You're there. So give them your best energy. And it's the same thing when someone

goes on a date and it's always like you're immediately assuming bad intentions instead of just going, you know what? I'm going to assume the best intentions right now, just for this moment. I'm going to hear what someone does for a living. I'm going to get curious about them. I'm going to see what they're all about. I'm just going to listen and be impressed with some things about them. I don't have to act impressed with things I'm not, but I'm just going to give them the benefit of the doubt as a human being because when we do that people warm to us they become their best around us and we may decide at the end of it i didn't i didn't like the vibe i got from that person i don't want to see them again we may decide that but for the time we're with them unless they do something

unless they do something obviously disrespectful obviously obviously egregious, assume the best of that person. Assume the best intentions. Assume the best traits. Because you want to have a nice time. And people tend to rise to the occasion around people that actually see them in a positive light. Yeah, Yeah. And I think with the vulnerability thing, it's always that thing of, you know, you talk a lot about unique pairings. I think you can, that can get popped in at some point or it will come naturally. There might be a point where you'll say something a little more

vulnerable or a little more honest. And, but if that's interspersed with you also being self confident in other ways, being self-assured, being, you know, you know who you are in other ways and you don't think, well, I'm a complete mess. You're like, no, I've got all these things, these things that are great. And these things I love about myself. Then it's all in context and it doesn't feel like such a big thing. thing and you can always decide, right? If they react badly when you show one tiny chink in your armor and they suddenly are super uninterested or they judge you, then you can be like, okay, that tells me something about this person. You'll find that out. But you'll know that person who doesn't value vulnerability because they won't be

vulnerable themselves. Right. You'll literally, you'll see a lack of humanity in that person. You'll see someone who is, you know, everything they do on a date is perfect and they never can laugh at themselves. They take themselves very seriously. They're always talking about all of the impressive things about themselves, but there's never any like that human warmth that, you know, that person who you can relate to.

It's the same thing, isn't it? Whether it's a politician or a celebrity or whoever, when we talk about, oh, you know, he's a sort of politician or the sort of celebrity or the sort of whatever that you'd want to grab a beer with. What we're saying is that's someone who feels like a human being. That's someone who feels like I could actually relate to them. Before you go today, I have something for you. If this year is the year you want to meet your person, it is a free training I did called dating with results that shows you how to avoid the early

mistakes that people make in dating, finally meet your person and get the safety and the commitment that you deserve with them. Go to Dating with Results to watch this free training right now and don't forget to let me know what you think.