Love Life with Matthew Hussey - (Rewind): How To Stop Obsessing Over "The One"

Episode Date: June 9, 2023

 Does the pursuit of a “soulmate” hold you back from finding love? In this episode, Matt and the JAMS crew look at what happens when we get caught in the obsession of trying to find “The One” and how best to decide what you’re looking for in the right relationship. --- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey ---  ►► Become a Love Life Member for FREE! Claim Your 2 Week Free Trial at. . . . → http://www.JoinLoveLife.com

This is what matters and when I find someone who has these things plus I have chemistry with them That's gonna be worth giving a real shot So Welcome to the Love Live podcast. It's me, Matthew Hussey. Enjoy this clip and thank you for being here. I've been following the YouTube channel for years and get so much from the content and authenticity. Thanks for doing what y'all do. I had a question for the podcast and wanted to know your thoughts. I'm currently a college student in Texas. And for the past few years, I have found myself stuck on the idea of the one. I enjoy dating and meeting new people, but even if I like them a lot, I always find myself wondering if there is someone out in the world perfect for me and waiting. I know that this soulmate-esque concept isn't very realistic or pragmatic, but it sticks with me anyway and I feel that it sometimes keeps me from being vulnerable and forming connections with people

I could be happy with. I don't want to have a mindset that prevents opportunities and chances in my life. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Well, this is interesting, isn't it? Because I, you know, I was thinking this earlier today. I was thinking there is a difference between, to me at least, it feels like there's a linguistic difference between the one and soulmate. Because the one, it says one. There's just one person out there. Soulmate, to me, seems to be someone you have found with whom you have a deeper connection

than anyone that you've experienced before and there isn't it doesn't have to have this feeling of there's only one soulmate but when you find your soulmate it's someone who you connect with on the most extraordinary level and you don't want to let go for that reason, because it feels like it transcends mere connection and attraction. It feels like you're with someone who truly gets you, truly sees you, and to an extent, understands how to manage you. You know, they say about soulmates as well that you can have multiple soulmates in your life and during your life because obviously you can have soulmates in

the form of friendships as well as relationships and soulmates i read once are kind of more people that enter your life and you connect with on that deeper level you're talking about, but they kind of shape your life and change the direction and the course of it through that connection. Sometimes that connection lasts a lifetime. Sometimes it lasts a short period. But soulmates can be sort of just multiple people throughout your life. I like that. Which I like, yeah.

I think it lowers the stakes a bit, Rachel. I think the problem is when you're college age, there is this sort of feeling of, well, I definitely don't want to, I don't want to cash in my chips now because I just don't know yet if there might be something better. And of course, you might be right at 20 years old or 21. There will almost certainly be people

of a kind you haven't experienced yet. You will, of course, learn about your likes and dislikes over time in relationships, and that will help to shape what you value. And it might be that in order to have a true sense of what you want, you have to shop around a little bit. I mean, Jameson, what is that? What's that house buying calculation that the, I think you said it to me at one point when you're buying a house, there's an optimal level of houses that you should look at. Well, it wasn't just houses. I think I was referencing this algorithm, which was trying to find the optimal stopping problem. The optimal stopping problem.

I think it's called the optimal stopping problem. And it's actually quite difficult mathematically to prove it. And yet they did. And it was some, you know, the real simple answer is like about a third. You take about the full spectrum of time you're going to be willing to spend shopping. After about a third, just pick the next best one. Because after that, you're always going to have

like sort of regrets or whatever. Big lesson there is that you can shop too much, you know? But it's that, I mean, I'm sure this is incredibly naive interpretation of the optimal stopping problem or whatever it's called but the it's almost like you you gotta get your feet wet enough to know what's out there but then there is a point past which you get diminishing returns and ultimately just more confused. Yeah. So I, I, I sort of think your age, Rachel, is the age where you're getting your feet wet and you're trying to sort of see what's out there and what kind of people are out

there. And I don't think you're wrong for saying, I don't want to settle for something that I don't feel certain about, or that I don't feel a sense of certainty about. And right now you don't feel a sense of certainty and that's okay. The problem, hopefully as we get older, it's not necessarily the case that we get so lucky in who we meet when we get older. maturity level, the commitment they're capable of, their level of evolution as human beings and their character will be much more desirable than you encounter amongst 20 year old guys. But fundamentally, I think what becomes the case as we start to get wiser is that we get more certain about what matters and about what's important. And I think that right now, part of your uncertainty is a reflection of not having

fully defined what's important to you yet. And that's perfectly natural at your stage of life that you wouldn't have figured that out. That is something that you learn through experience, through experiencing some of the wrong things, through being some of the wrong things, and ultimately getting a really clear sense of this is what matters. And when I find someone who has these things, plus I have chemistry with them, that's going to be worth giving a real shot. And that's a point I will add on that, Matt, is your criteria shouldn't be perfection at this stage. It should just be excitement. It's like if you were trying to, you can't figure out in abstraction when you're 20, your ideal career. You actually have to commit to something at some point and actually try it and say,

oh, I'm going to actually commit to this job now and really get involved and see if it is right for me. The criteria isn't I can only go for that job when it's perfect. It's would this be exciting? And I think getting in relationships, even if you're 20, 21, the criteria should just be, is this something I'm, is this a person I'm excited about right now? And just one more thing to, to tie this off is to go back to the soulmate point you were making, Matt, just that, just the words like soul and mate. To me, the mate part is really, it relieves all the pressure

because it's not like you think of your best mate or whatever, I guess if I was English, that's what I would say. But you don't just find your best mate ready-made. You kind of like build that a little bit, a lot of it. You have experiences together and they become your best mate. I think it's gotta be the same for a soulmate.

I love that. I think that's so true. And I would add just as a caveat to Steve's point that excitement, yes, just make sure that what you're excited about doesn't come with a terrible set of behaviors. So you can be excited about different kinds of people and give them a go and not be sure whether it's going to lead anywhere. But obviously, excitement isn't an excuse to be with someone who treats you poorly or without respect. If you're enjoying this content and you want to go deeper and you're like, this is the material I need.

This is the content I need to start to really help me in my love life. And if you wanna do that with me, the Love Life Club is where I do it. We have masterclasses, interviews with other experts, not just me, live sessions every month where I actually coach you and answer questions live in real time. It's an incredible space to be.

You also get an amazing community of people that are on the journey with you. There's a 14-day free trial, so it's risk-free and come join us in something that can actually really move you forward in a structured way and get you the love that you're looking for this year. You can sign up to a free trial by going to joinlovelife.com. I look forward to seeing you there and thank you as always. I'll see you soon. you