Love Life with Matthew Hussey - (Rewind): How To Talk About Your Insecurities In A Relationship

Episode Date: April 7, 2023

Have you ever had an insecurity, a jealousy, or something that hurt you or made you feel threatened, but you didn’t know the right way to bring it up?   Of course you have. We all have. Maybe you��re feeling that right now. It can be terrifying, can’t it? We are told vulnerability is good, but we know it can hurt the relationship if we repeatedly express our fears and insecurities.  But being vulnerable can actually create a deeper bond with someone, as well as reveal if they’re the right person for you in the first place.   The important thing is that we talk about it in the right way, as Matt and Stephen explain in this episode... --- Join the 30-Day Confidence Challenge! Go to MHChallenge.com and sign up now! --- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey

Repeating a vulnerability over time whilst not taking responsibility for improving it, that to me is what harms a relationship. Welcome to the Love Life Podcast. It's me, Matthew Hussey. Enjoy this classic clip from our archives. And if you want to let me know what you think or how this podcast is helping you, don't forget to leave me a review on iTunes under the Love Life podcast. Enjoy. But some people, specifically even men, might be like, I'm not doing that shit because I know what happens if I go and expose something I'm feeling and it gets rejected. That's a turnoff for them. I've started a chain of events where they're going to get less attracted. I'm on back foot why would i even bother exposing myself why would i even bother being honest i think this is a really important subject to talk about with men in general because

it it is true men are told to be vulnerable and you know i'm a i'm a big fan of brené brown and her work um but i i think that it's, it's a, there's an extra hurdle for men to overcome in, in that work that I am being told that being vulnerable is a good thing, but I also am, I live in a world where sometimes I feel like being vulnerable is is actually the opposite of what a woman wants that if i am vulnerable she's going to find me less manly less attractive less in control less bold less confident and and she's going to suddenly i'm i've devalued myself in relation to other men who seem infallible yeah And he might be this confident guy in loads of areas, but he's like, I show a chink in the armor.

I show a weakness here. It's going to get pounced on. Now, the truth is what that means is if someone pounces on your weakness in that way, again, providing that weakness isn't your go-to every day. That's what we'll come on to. But if you show vulnerability, which is not the same as even,

it doesn't necessarily mean showing weakness. It's just being honest about times where you don't feel, you know, as secure or when you're feeling something that has hurt you or when you're feeling sad, you're struggling. If you show that to someone and they pounce or they leverage that against you, then you're not with an emotionally mature person in a relationship. You're not with an emotionally mature woman in a relationship. You kind of, even as a man, you have to say, that's a, that's a big red flag. If the first time I show that I'm not, you know, this perfect superhero of a human being this person can't handle that then i'm with someone who's looking for a kind of man that doesn't exist and that's a reflection on their

in their lack of maturity and their lack of evolution because they've not actually understood they they still don't understand men yeah so let that person go and continue to look for someone who doesn't exist this is not someone i want to be in a relationship with but for men and women alike repeating a vulnerability over and over and over again this is what i think is is i suppose the crux of what i want to get to with this episode repeating a vulnerability over time whilst not taking responsibility for improving it that to me is what harms a relationship initial vulnerability improves the right relationship repeated vulnerability over time with no progress no movement can damage a good relationship.

If you take the example, I don't know, of someone who, who does get jealous, but they get jealous over irrational things. It's not that you're expecting that that person's going to work that out. And then one day they're never going to be jealous again. That's unrealistic. And in a way, you know, the right relationship, we should be more compassionate and understanding towards our partner. We shouldn't expect them to just, whatever is the issue, they've just worked out completely and it never returns that's not a realistic yeah thing to expect of someone

but in a team and a relationship is a team of two people in a team you want to see your partner trying you want to see movement that this thing that you know you keep getting jealous of this time oh but this time you wanted to get jealous and i saw that i saw that you actually decided to to try a different approach yeah you tried a different approach you didn't bring me that this time i can see you trying and trying might be i'm out with my friends and i know you're the you're you get jealous so i'm gonna shoot you a message in the middle of the night to tell you i'm thinking of you or i'm gonna you know let you know how my night's going because i just know that that will put you at ease that's my trying your trying is that you don't make me feel like i'm doing something wrong

simply for spending time with friends or spending time away from you yeah it doesn't mean you'll never get jealous again but it means i can see you trying that to me builds relationships yeah and what we have to ask ourselves, if you're in a relationship with someone who keeps bringing, they're dumping, they're no longer being vulnerable, they're dumping, they keep bringing you the same thing over and over and over again with no progress, you have to start having a different standard for the progress you accept. You have to remind someone that this isn't about them being perfect. Imperfect progress is still progress. But if there's no progress, then we have an issue because now you're not being a good teammate to me. you say you know what i'm no longer being vulnerable i'm dumping i keep bringing them the same thing over and over and over again and with no different approach with no evolution we it doesn't mean we'll never argue about it but are the arguments getting a lot more sophisticated

are they an argument where it has the echoes of the old issue but it there's movement yeah if i'm not having a different kind of argument about this if it's always the same one then i'm not taking responsibility for that movement and i am going to eventually harm the relationship it is going to over time hurt the relationship if i don't improve this i am and and this is a very important point ladies and gentlemen out there when you feel something as a reflex response with our feelings steve i'm a big believer we don't choose our feelings when you feel some if you if i say something right now and you feel something you didn't choose that feeling did you no you just felt it yeah it was an immediate feeling you had as a

result of something i said we don't choose our feelings but we are responsible for what we do with them yeah it's almost like that daniel kahneman thing of system one brain system two brain system one is the animal reactive thing and in system two is the longer thinking yes and if you say you can none of us are responsible for our reflex feelings but if you abdicate responsibility for them by dumping them on somebody else the whole time instead of improving your response to those feelings you're not being a good team player you're not being a good partner because you're choosing no no progress over imperfect progress and sooner or later our partner is going to look at the kind of teammate they have yeah and say i i don't know if this is the kind of

teammate that i want in my life and good partners are not dumb they you know if it's a good partner you have who is mature people do tend to judge on the averages of things. That's right. They don't always judge on single isolated incidents. They notice the averages of your behavior. Which is why, you know, Anne Lamott, a writer I love, she wrote, all truth is paradox. In other words, for every truth, there's a counter truth.

Is it true that being vulnerable should improve the right relationship? Yes. Is it also true that if you're just vulnerable in a relationship, but without improvement ever, that can harm your relationship? Yes. Both things can be true. But what we're looking for is to say, I want a relationship where I can be vulnerable without thinking that me being vulnerable the wrong way once is going to make them dump me. But I also want to make sure that the average of my actions over time paints a picture of someone who's good to be in a relationship with. Yeah.

If you want to come to the virtual retreat, I really hope you will. It is the event of the year. And if you like me as a coach, if you resonate with my philosophies on things and you want to take a much deeper, more immersive journey with me, this three day program is where it's at. I want to go on a bigger journey with you. So I hope you'll join us. Go to mhvirtualretreat.com and I'll see you next week.