Love Life with Matthew Hussey - (Rewind): Is Having A "Backup Person" Cheating?

Episode Date: April 14, 2023

A recent dating study showed that many people have what is known as a "backburner relationship". And many people date today while also still being in touch with exes or former sexual partners. Is this trend dangerous for building a relationship? And what does it cost us in the long-run if we have a "backup person" who we keep contact with? --- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey --- ►► Stop Waiting and Start Creating the Happiness You Deserve NOW - Claim your spot on my Virtual Retreat, June 2 - 4, 2023 → MHVirtualRetreat.com

When you're still leaving the door open to those different options, you are you're actually denying the relationship you're in the chance to be all that it can be. what's up everybody welcome back to the love life podcast we have a clip from the archives today that i think you're really going to enjoy check it out so matthew i want to talk to you today about a modern phenomenon in relationships and kind of get your thoughts on it. I mean, maybe your thoughts will be fairly clear cut, but I think this is interesting if this is something new or not. And it is the idea of partners, people having what they call back burner relationships. So this was an article in Psychology Today that talked about how back burners are people with whom one maintains contact in the hope of someday pursuing a romantic or sexual encounter. The most favoured method for

keeping in touch with back burners is texting followed by various social media channels and what it basically said is that roughly like 70 something percent of singles have backburners but more troubling basically over half about like 56 percent of those in committed relationships have according to this survey let's always take these with a pinch of salt these are limited surveys etc but it is in psychology today um about 56 of those in committed relationships reported having a back burner person or relationship uh where that might be someone they uh you know have a bit of not not necessarily even amorous contact with but they have some interactions they share things maybe share secrets they kind of maybe even give assurances that they're sort of interested in that person or just like some keeping them around in orbit perhaps uh with the idea that maybe they in future would be interested in that person um i found this in the modern world it's

not surprising that this is very possible people i don't know about you, but like I could still find most of, if not all my exes on social media now. It would be possible to have contact with them. Definitely the possibility is there, but that does seem kind of high, doesn't it? Like 52%? Or do you think that's fairly human that people would have some kind of backup option in mind? Well, it depends what you call a backup option i think that there's it's probably not high if you just define that back burner thing as someone who you just haven't explicitly said no there's nothing between us and you're they also

don't know that you're with someone and you kind of even casually keep the thing alive by texting then i i if that's considered a back burner because you know that there is some underlying attraction there even if it's not spoken then it's probably not high that probably that probably is fairly realistic. And do we count that as a form of, I mean, is that just another shade of infidelity? Is it just a kind of micro cheating, as they might say? someone and you're in a relationship and you, especially if it turns flirtatious, you don't, you, you, you avoid telling them you're in a relationship. And in truth, if you find yourself going out of your way to not tell those individuals that you're in a relationship, I think that's where you have to suspect yourself is if you're, you're talking to someone who you claim is just a friend, but you're not actually making explicit that you are in a relationship.

That, that to me then strays into that territory, especially if it would be organic to do so if someone says what have you been up to and you happen to have been with your boyfriend or girlfriend for the last two weeks or you've just been on vacation with them and you fail to mention that then that to me starts to stray into that territory yeah i think that's right and but you also have these people where they would know you're in a relationship right but is there some kind of subtle way where you are both keeping in contact as a like well we do have something and maybe we'll see if we're both single again you know maybe we'll give each other a call and you're kind of just keeping them there to know, Hey, I'm here. If you, uh, break up with that person. Well, yeah. I mean, it is tricky if you've, if you've hooked up before with that person,

then it's firstly your partner, in my opinion, deserves to know that, oh, this is, I'm maintaining a relationship here, but I have actually been with this person. And that's, that then should be something that's, that your partner is, you're sensitive to with your partner. It has to be something that you actually, you know, those, those things, if it were the other way around and our partner was friends with someone that they had been with and now they're staying friends with them and it's an active friend. It's one thing to be cordial with someone. It's another thing to have an active friendship with someone that you're maintaining, that you're regularly texting them, you're regularly having conversations with them. That's a, that's a different thing. And that deserves for your partner to feel comfortable

with it or for you to take the time to explain to your partner what the relationship is today and and why it's you know yeah i'm a big believer in choose like if if you want to stay in touch with someone you have to be honest with yourself how important is it for me to stay in touch with this person do i really need this person as an ongoing friend in my life i'm not saying saying you have, there has to, you and that person have to be, there has to be any bad energy, but what, if you're really convincing yourself, you must continue to be talking to this person. Ask yourself why, what is it that that friendship is bringing to you that your closer friends aren't bringing to you yeah you've probably got closer friends you've probably got friends that you're

that you're you know that mean a lot to you that you actually spend time with so what what is the need to continue connecting with this person and and i think it becomes if you're not careful people can can turn into a form of it's like not really committing to the person you're with yeah and it can almost be a subtle it can almost be a way of slow self-sabotage because you're inviting another presence to create jealousy to create conflict and create problems that otherwise wouldn't exist if you weren't maintaining this exactly and then you have to say well how important is it how worth it is it what's the reason i'm doing this yeah i think for some people i think just the times we in, it becomes irresistible for people to, I think they start with keeping tabs on their ex and then it might be checking in occasionally and then it might be like saying, commenting and saying hello.

And I think it can become this kind of like just keeping tabs, like maybe if they ever single again we'll i'll hit them up or something it's just there's so many shades of it and it's a thing because i don't want to create paranoia or anything and i think that is a problem with our time where people have so many sources to talk to other people everyone becomes so paranoid of like is someone cheating on me is someone on social media flirting with other people but they just kind of think well i just want to keep a hand a hand in there yeah i i'm a big believer that when you're still when you're still leaving the door open to those different options you are you're actually denying the relationship you're in the chance to be all that it can be because you're not actually seeing who you are when you cut off your options and go all in

you're not seeing how the relationship can evolve from a place of true security true safety real um real commitment and there's no shame in a relationship not working out, but it's a shame if it doesn't work out because the whole time you spent your time in it, you didn't actually go all in. That to me is, is time. That's kind of time wasted because you're not, you're not going and doing other things. You're not dating other people. You're not, it's not like you are actually going out with any of those people that you're quote, keeping on the back burner. You're not, but you're also not fully invested in the situation you're in. You're somewhere in no man's land. And I do think that's a shame.

To know what a relationship is, you do actually have to let go of those other options. Right. Now that I'm thinking about it, when you talk about the whole back burner thing, that is an indication of our unwillingness to be present with the situation we're in it's an it's a way of not choosing and you know on our retreat we talk about how you know the the it's but you know answers are a reward for doing things. We talk about this on day one of the retreat. If you want answers in life, you have to actually go, go and do something. If you want answers about what the right career is, you do actually have to taste some careers.

You do actually have to go and try something. You do actually have to immerse yourself in something. And that starts to give you answers. You can't get answers by just sitting there and intellectualizing everything. And I don't think you can get answers from a relationship by being halfway in. You get answers by, if you decide, you know what, I'm actually going to give this a shot. I'm not talking about on day three of meeting someone or in week three even. But if you've decided to have a committed relationship with someone, then that's the time to say right now, I don't know if this is going to be forever or not, but right now, this is what I'm going to do. And I'm going to do it really well. And I'm going to see what it can be.

For everyone listening right now, if you have not booked your retreat appointment for the virtual retreat, go to mhvirtualretreat.com, book your appointment to speak to one of our specialists about the program and get your place. Stephen, thank you. Thank you, Pickles. Thank you, brother. Outro Music