Love Life with Matthew Hussey - (Rewind): What Makes The “Bad Boy” Attractive To Chase…

Episode Date: June 16, 2023

We've all heard the cliche of why it's more intoxicating to date a "bad boy", but why do people so often pursue people who put them on an emotional rollercoaster? And why do we often assume people are more worth having when they make things more difficult? In this episode, Matthew, Stephen, Audrey and Jameson talk about various aspects of the bad boy and look at some mindset shifts that can help us choose someone who is actually healthy for a long-term relationship. --- ►► Discover the 4 Secrets for Escaping Casual Dating Traps. Claim Your FREE PASS for my Dating With Results Training. . . → http://www.DatingWithResults.com --- ►► FREE download: “9 Texts No Man Can Resist” → http://www.9texts.com ►► FREE download: “5 Compliments to Get Him Addicted to You” → http://www.SayThisToHim.com

Anyone who's in a position where you don't hear a lot from them, you can project onto. Welcome back to the Love Life Podcast. A fun, informative, insightful clip from one of our previous videos today. I think you're going to love it. Check it out. The other thing about the bad boy figure is that the way that they act, whether it's through kind of indifference, whether it's that they're spontaneous or impulsive, they give you these big highs of, know a really exciting weekend but then disappearing and then picking back up again or you have a big fight and it's volatile there's a volatility to it but it's like this person knows what they want and today it's me and that's so exciting but

tomorrow it's something else and oh no it's not me i need them you know i want them to be thinking about me there's a volatility to all of that. And a mystery. And a mystery. I think the mystery is a huge part of it. I think the unknown is so much more alluring than the story that's already told in front of us and someone who's more available

is way more likely to be open about who they truly are versus painting a picture of a mystique. That is an amazing point that is so so true because it is it's so easy to do you know i've thought this about models a lot like male and female you know like the the rock the male rock star who's like you kind of like he says very little in interviews. You know what I mean? Just doesn't say a lot.

Just like someone asked him something and they're like, yeah, you know, it's a mumble answer. And they didn't really say much, but it's like the less they say, the better because you can project onto them whatever you want. You don't quite know what they're thinking man a few words and then in pictures they're very pouty so you don't even have the vulnerability of a smile a lot of the time lots of pouty pictures lots of like just mystery mystery mystery and it's so easy it's such an easy way to be mysterious it's so true actually with models you see pictures and then you happen to see a video of them doing something and you go oh right i didn't realize you sounded like that or but you know it's not there's nothing anything wrong with

them it's more that they suddenly become a real person and it's just instantly less attractive than you know a mysterious static image yeah and that's so much of that call is like a cultivated call and the people by the way that that a lot of famous people are really really really good at cultivating that call. Like that is their superpower. And it's one of the reasons that like social media has become, has been such a disaster for so many celebrities is because they're so, when you really like hear them talk about something, sometimes you're like, oh, you're an idiot.

Twitter has ruined Hollywood. Yeah. If you had Leo live tweeting Titanic on HBO, I don't think it would go that well. Right, right. The mystique is broken. Well, Leo, like he's a good example. Who knows who?

It's so hard to know like what he thinks because you see so little of him. And anyone who's in a position where you don't hear a lot from them you can project onto them what you want to project onto them so the bad boy is usually someone who is able to cultivate that mystique there's no vulnerability to it you know unless it's a sort of movie vulnerability, like I had a rough time growing up, you know,

and then you're like, there's, you know, that just adds, that just adds to the mystique of it. You're so damaged. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. For me, I think it's- You don't know what I've been through. Kind of, yeah. For me, I think it's helpful to look at the bad boy

through the lens of status in general, or this whole email. Because when you're younger, a bad boy is quite a good surrogate for status. Or at least, it's almost like the bully at school. The more arrogant you are when you're young, the more confident you can seem and as you get older that sort of that that kind of spell is just broken i think more easily you can see through it like oh no they're not confident they're just arrogant yeah when you're when you're young acting arrogant is like a cheat code when you're a young teenager for like you start acting cocky and suddenly girls notice you more and it's like at that age, it's like a cheat code. I think I would put an argument forward to say that one of the reasons we're attracted to the bad boy is almost something that we haven't quite grown out of. I do think there's actually a lot of truth to that, because I think, you know you when you tend to look at the evolution of people it is something that you're supposed to grow out of at some point usually because you've been you know hurt too many times by that one thing but you grow out of it and suddenly you go

I don't see the value in it like I used to well I I think to Stephen's point when when he said that I almost I thought the that arrogant kind of way of being still works on the 40 year old teenager. Right. And that's why when we said there's times when we've been coaching people over the years, when someone says, you know, of a certain age says, I like bad boys. I'm like, what are you 15? Like when someone is, it's like, you're a grown person with a job and you own a business and you know, you're, you have with a job and you own a business and you know you have a whole life and you're talking about like a bad boy it's like there's a stage of maturity that one surely has to pass where you're like someone acting cocky and arrogant i mean

look at the guys who spend their life trying to get the cheerleader exactly i was gonna say i completely disagree all you need is somebody who taps into your insecurity and makes you feel like if you could only get that person then suddenly you would feel better about yourself and you're right back to being a teenager chasing the unavailable person in some way shape or form but this is what I guess my point is is the very first part of the question is I need help with my brain yeah where it's like that is the instinct and it's like hardwired and the reason i bring up like the status game of it is because so much of status is happening completely under the hood like we're not aware of it all the time there's a he's a bad boy he's kind of out of reach and that out of reachness

is completely adding to the value that you're putting to him. And her brain, her instinct is just saying like, oh, I'm alive. I'm interested. I'm totally, the wheels are turning and I want to like put energy into this. I have a relationship with food sometimes that I would liken to the attraction to the bad boy. Okay.

Where it's, it comes down to anytime I'm eating badly is because I'm very much connected to the highs of what it's like to indulge, what it's like to cheat. And I'm not connected to how good I feel when I'm eating well. And whenever I'm in a great rhythm of eating well and taking care of myself, I am very connected to how good it feels to eat well. I wake up in the morning, feel better, feel fresher,

have more energy. I feel better during the day you know my mood is better i don't feel as groggy i'm connected to that feeling and so i do believe that for people in their love lives when they continue to date these people that ultimately they experience highs with, but then they experience real hangovers with, and it does make them feel bad. They're not connected to how good it feels to be with someone who brings you peace. They're just connected to the thrill of being with someone who constantly has you on this adrenaline ride and constantly is like playing with your dopamine. You know, if someone doesn't text you and you're like, oh, I just really want to, I really want this person to like me and they haven't texted me in

days. And then you get a text from them. That's like a big hit. That's like an immediate hit of dopamine. You don't get that same thing with someone who makes you feel safe right that's someone who's creating that effect because they're withdrawing love and then all of a sudden they're giving it back to you and when they withdraw love they raise their value that too because they don't come across like they're desperate for your attention and they're quite happy to basically dip in and out when when suits them which i think you know yeah lowers your value and raises theirs exactly what i so i would say a big part of this is we have to lives, for raising the value of stability, for raising the value of feeling good over being on that roller coaster. If what's most valuable to you is being on the roller coaster all the time, you'll pay the price for that because you can't always be on the exciting part.

You will have the corresponding lows. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. Before you go, I wanted to let you know that we have a program that is great for anyone in early dating right now who wants to make sure they don't keep ending up in casual situations, but gets into a relationship that actually goes somewhere. It's called the momentum texts is ridiculously practical and you can get it for seven dollars over at momentum texts dot com i'll see you next time Thank you.