Love Life with Matthew Hussey - (Rewind): When He Fears Commitment Because He Doesn’t Want To Be Changed…

Episode Date: June 23, 2023

Ever dated someone who is afraid of commitment? There are many reasons a person can prefer to be unattached, or even fear getting into relationships. It can be a fear of changing who they are, or losing something they value, or feeling like they're compromising. In this episode, Matt and the JAMS crew talk about what it means if a guy doesn't want to commit because he's scared of someone else changing him. --- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey --- Come and join me on my LIVE Retreat for 6 magical days from October 9th-15th working on your deep inner confidence, life goals, relationships, and overcoming your biggest negative beliefs. Go to MHRetreat.com to claim your spot and join us in Florida!

I've got my cool life and you're going to come in and you're going to try and change it up and make me make the bed and do things and turn my music down. And. Welcome everybody to the Love Life Podcast. I am Matthew Hussey and I believe today's episode is really going to help you accelerate your love life today. Check it out and I'll speak to you at the end of the episode. Jonathan says, I would say I'm afraid of being changed to be told that in order to be with someone, I must change who I am. Thoughts? Well, you will be changed on some level by someone. I think that's, that's, that's the nature of things. You meet someone and you're, you're in some way changed by them. That's actually one of the best parts of a relationship, I should add.

I would actually like to change the narrative around it a little bit because any time, I think that you can mark your life by the moments that someone who changed it came into your life. There are people throughout our life, friends, colleagues, bosses, people that we fall in love with, that change us in some way that we're really grateful for. So let's be clear. There are relationships where one plus one equals three and you're happy for the changes. What Jonathan is talking about is the kind of change that happens when someone starts to strip us of the things that we feel are fundamentally us and crucial to who we are and what we like to do and how we like to live. And I think that we're all a little afraid of that. Usually we come to a relationship with a little bit of trauma

from having been in a relationship before where it did feel like someone robbed us of something that felt like it was fundamentally us. And we found ourselves treading on eggshells with our own personality and having to sort of amputate crucial parts of ourselves in order to make this other person happy and then when the relationship ended we feel less of ourselves and we feel like we're having to find ourselves again in the process of rebuilding and the truth is also it is very difficult to change right so often if somebody's

feeling that pressure like you need to change, it's not like, oh, I'm afraid I'm going to just change and I'm going to be so different and lose myself. Sometimes it's just like, I'm afraid this person is just going to sit there constantly resenting me because, you know, they're just always thinking of these ways that, that I should change. And, you know, I'm not going to completely change. Like I think of that scene in Before Midnight where Ethan Hawke's character is walking with Julie Deppley and Julie Deppley asks the question, if you could change anything about me, what would it be? And Ethan Hawke's character kind of knows what she's getting at

and he's just like, I think I would change the fact that you want to change me all the time. Or something like that where it's like he knows that she's sitting there sort of ruminating on like these little habits he has and all these things and he's just kind of feeling that resentment yeah because it really does feel i mean it it is the antithesis of being accepted and being accepted is is what we really want so yeah i think that that's that's an interesting one by jonathan i get it you know i feel like it's more about be afraid of being judged than being changed like i do i'm gonna get judged for my

choices or the things i like to do with my time my lifestyle like my habits don't you think that being judged is a disguised fear of of not being accepted and if i'm not accepted then i don't feel worthy so what i'm really afraid of when i don't want to be judged is i'm afraid that the things that make me me my idiosyncrasies and eccentricities and little things that I enjoy doing are going to be seen as weird or stupid or just, um, just not normal. And that therefore I'm not going to be accepted by someone like behind the fear of being judged is just the fear of not being accepted right yeah absolutely and then i think the extra fear might be someone thinking maybe i'm not going to be strong enough to uh defend the way i like things there's two things there's like there's wanting to keep the things that make you you and there probably is a bit of fear of

some of these things i probably will have to compromise a bit to properly have a relationship with someone and that's that's also a reason probably people get fearful of getting in relationships these days where they're used to having their own autonomy a lot and they think yeah i'm gonna have to live in a bit of a less selfish way i'm gonna have to compromise some things to be with someone and that's also scary you know what it's interesting you say that because another comment from Subrose was being afraid of losing it not sure what it is and to become a giant pleaser and forget my own well-being in the process which I think is similar to what you're talking about Stephen

exactly I think sometimes there's a preemptive defense where people are like I know I'm gonna be a pleaser in this relationship I know I'm gonna want to care about the other person and I might end up forgetting myself or or doing things that aren't me because I am got a good heart because I care because I just need to please someone. And they're kind of like, I don't want to do it because I know I'm going to feel a fear of you changing me is really just the fear that I cannot trust myself. Yeah. That's what it comes down to. And people don't say that, right?

People say, oh, I don't want you coming into my life and changing me. It's like sort of this feel. It's almost like a rock star excuse. You know, I've got my cool life and you're going to come in and you're going to try and change it up and make me make the bed and do things and turn my music down and whatever. And instead, what it really is, is I'm actually so distrusting of myself and my ability to have boundaries that I don't even want to develop feelings in the first place because I can't trust myself when I do it's fascinating really interesting and I would like to add

briefly that I think the point you made earlier about the fear of not being accepted is huge because I think there's a lot of insecurity. When you're afraid of commitment, that tends think is popping up is um if i allow myself to be too vulnerable i will basically be crushed you know is there another comment like that yes in fact there is the next comment is from robert and he said because commitment means eventually being known in my vulnerability which is a huge reason why people are scared of commitment don't you think yes look i think that it's the more distant you keep someone the more it feels like you have total control over the situation you're you're essentially controlling the elements in your life and minimizing the variables. And one of the greatest variables you can introduce into your life is someone you care

about and someone whose opinion you care about and someone who you let your guard down in front of. So if you're afraid that it's going to be hard to control your feelings of rejection, if that doesn't go well, then you just don't want to invite that possible rejection in, in the first place. Audrey, do you think that this is a uniquely a guy's fear? Or do you think that women go through something like this too? Because I'm just reading this and I'm just, I am actually curious because it is, because commitment means eventually being known in my vulnerability. Yeah. Is that uniquely a male thing or do women go through something similar? I mean, I think a lot of the things that are popping up are actually

unisex, you know? Um, I definitely think that people who are afraid of commitment are just afraid of letting someone in people just find it hard to be vulnerable I have a very very dear friend who is someone who has struggled for a really long time to to to sort of let someone in and she finds the process very uncomfortable she's obviously overcome a lot of that but um she's very much a woman in you know her 30s and and it's taken her a really long time and a lot of work a lot of work um to be able to be vulnerable enough to let someone in so I don't think it's unique to men at all um I think the issue and I suppose this is just my thoughts from reading it is that society almost um propagates the message of if men don't commit they can remain a playboy um and as a result it sort of it allows people's insecurities

around commitment to be justified if they wish to follow them but eventually whether it happens at 30 40 50 60 most people do want to find a partner to share their life with. And those things have to be overcome in some way, shape or form. All right, everyone, that's it for today. Before you go, though, I have some big news. We have dates for the live retreat. It is going to be from the 9th to the 15th of October. It's taking place in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

We are going to be spending six days together by the beach working on your greatest life challenges. Whatever you're trying to work on, deal with, get over, or create in your life, we are going to do it together for six days. To apply, go to mhretreat.com and it is my sincerest hope that you and I get to spend those six days together this October. Bye.