Love Life with Matthew Hussey - (Rewind) Why Did They Stop Chasing You?

Episode Date: April 5, 2024

In this episode, I share with you 3 mistakes we can fall into that have the potential to hurt desire. These 3 insights could mean the difference between piquing someone’s interest and a situation just fizzling out.   Once you’re aware of them, they’re extremely easy to spot . . . so you won’t inadvertently end up “8-Miling” yourself. (Trust me, it’ll make sense when you hear the episode.) ►► Pre-Order My New Book, "Love Life" at → http://www.LoveLifeBook.com ►► FREE Video Training: “Dating With Results” → http://www.DatingWithResults.com

But when we say to someone, I'm surprised that you're into me, it's another way of saying to someone, you're the one getting shortchanged in this situation because I'm of lower value and you're of higher value. I wanted to talk about three mistakes we make in early stage dating that really hurt our chances of things going anywhere. When we like someone, we all want to get them hooked, don't we? We all want to make sure that it actually has the best possible chance of going somewhere. Well, there are three things we do that jeopardize that. And I want to start by just making a distinction, a distinction between love and desire,

connection and attraction. Love isn't the same as desire. What gets someone to have feelings of love for us is not the same as what makes someone want to take us home, what makes someone turned on by us. And if we want to keep someone's attention in dating, desire is absolutely essential. The three things that I'm going to talk about today, the mistakes we make, are not necessarily things that will hurt love, but they will have the potential to hurt desire. And if we hurt desire, we run the risk of losing someone's energy. And when we feel like, oh, it fizzled out with someone,

oh, why did they lose steam? It's not because of a lack of love. It's because of a lack of desire. And by the way, what gets people to the point of love? Enough desire in the early stages to carry them through to a place of real deep connection and investment. Mistake number one, showing that we are surprised someone is into us. If we say or do things that communicate to someone, I just don't know why someone like you would like someone like me. I'm surprised that you're into me. I'm surprised that you like me as much as you say you do. I am surprised you approached me. What we're saying to someone is someone with your value shouldn't be into someone with my value. And the danger of that is that we're going to make someone feel like they got the raw end of the deal. We all want to feel in life like we're getting the best deal possible. So no one

wants to go into a dating scenario feeling like they're the one being shortchanged. But when we say to someone, I'm surprised that you're into me, it's another way of saying to someone, you're the one getting shortchanged in this situation because I'm of lower value and you're of higher value. If we do that, we run the risk of killing desire before we've even started. Mistake number two, telling someone you're afraid that they're gonna hurt you. If we continuously show, I'm afraid that you're gonna change your mind about me.

I'm afraid that you're gonna leave me. I'm afraid that you're gonna cheat on me. I'm worried you're're going to leave me. I'm afraid that you're going to cheat on me. I'm worried you're just stringing me along. We are playing a kind of victim in this scenario. We're not saying that we have equal opportunity to hurt each other, that we're both in a situation. Being dating is to be in a situation where you can be hurt. There's no getting around that. If you go on a date with someone and they don't call you, we can feel that as a rejection. That's vulnerability. You can't be in dating without making yourself vulnerable. But that's also true of the other person. So if we're acting like we're the only one who's in danger, it's a way of communicating that you have all

the power and I have none. And you must have all the power because you're the one with all the cards. You're the one who is more valuable in the situation. I'm the one who has to be afraid that they're going to get hurt. We're literally telling someone that they're more valuable than us. We're also making them feel a level of safety that breeds a kind of boredom. We're saying to someone, hey, the dance you thought you were in, where we're dancing together and breeds a kind of boredom. We're saying to someone, hey, the dance you thought you were in, where we're dancing together and we're kind of feeling each other out and seeing where it goes and who knows, but let's keep going. That dance is over. You're in control. I'm the one who's scared. I'm the one who could get hurt here. You're totally safe. There's nothing more for you to think about. Mistake number three,

talking about parts of yourself you don't like. This could be as simple as talking about how you really don't like your body. Now, when we do this, the first thing we're doing is obviously drawing someone's attention to the very thing that we don't like. Now, you might say, but that's just honest. I don't like it. And that's just part of my vulnerability is saying that I don't like. Now, you might say, but that's just honest. I don't like it. And that's just part of my vulnerability is saying that I don't like it. Well, we have to ask ourselves, what's the appropriate time and place for revealing that kind of insecurity? If you were on your way in to watch a movie that you were really excited about, you've been anticipating this movie, you were looking forward to. You've been anticipating this movie,

you were looking forward to it. And then right before the movie was about to start, a video played of the director saying, hey guys, so I hope you enjoy the movie. I just want to let you know, there's a scene in the first 10 minutes, the one in the bar that I'm really not happy with the way that it turned out. Enjoy the movie. I just, I'm really not happy with the way that it turned out. Enjoy the movie. I just, I'm just sorry about that scene. It just didn't go the way we wanted. Imagine watching that movie now. Are you gonna be able to enjoy the movie? Or is your mind just now gonna be on the bar scene?

I mean, what's this bar scene? Let me see. Let me see if it's as bad as, as the director says it is. Oh, I guess I see what he means. That is a kind of, that wasn't a great scene. I guess I can see why he didn't like it. You're literally looking for reasons not to like that thing. And by the way, even if that wasn't the best scene in the movie, your whole attention is drawn to that scene and not the rest of the movie that might be awesome and might make that scene completely irrelevant in the context of the whole thing. You don't get a chance, in other words, to now leave and just love that movie. If someone says to you that they don't like their nose, then they're giving you their interpretation of their nose. I don't like my

nose, but they're giving you their interpretation of it. You should be allowed to have your own interpretation of that thing. Now, part of this we know comes from a kind of insecurity that if I'm worried about something, if I'm worried you're not going to like something, let me knock it before you do. Let me at least show you that I'm aware of this thing that isn't great. That way, I don't seem like a fool. I am acknowledging that this thing isn't great. And now I'm disarming you. I'm eight miling myself. You know that scene in 8 Mile where Eminem, he's, he bashes himself, right? He gets up and he bashes himself.

He knocks himself in all of these ways. And now he's like, now what do you have to say? I'm a piece of white trash, I say it proudly. this battle, I don't wanna win, I'm outie. Here, tell these people something they don't know about me. But dating isn't a rap battle, friends. It's not, let me just knock myself down in all of the ways that you could knock me down. Now, what negative shit are you going to say about me?

The goal is not to rid them of any negative things to say because you already said them. The goal, hopefully, is that someone comes along and is able to not only see the parts of you that you think are wonderful, but maybe, God forbid, is able to see the parts of you that you don't think are wonderful as wonderful. Now, by the way, am I saying that you can never say anything insecure, that you can never point out something that makes you self-conscious? Of course not. There are always going to be times in dating and relationships where a moment of being self-conscious is a moment of humanity, is a moment of beautiful vulnerability that connects us to another person. But if we bombard people with the things about ourselves that we don't like, if we continuously tell someone, I really don't like how I look today, I don't feel good in myself today. If we keep saying that, then we're brainwashing someone to think a certain way about us, to view us through a certain lens. And don't think that that brainwashing will never get through. At best, they'll still think that you look amazing, but will start to see that you don't think you're

amazing. And therefore that will have an impact on the way they see you because ultimately long-term who wants to be with someone who doesn't see any value in themselves? But the worst case scenario is that something they actually liked, they start to question whether they should like it. Because some of those things you say about it being hideous actually get through. Now, I know that we all in our dating lives want to be accepted for who we are. We all want someone to come along and for us to not have to play a game to get them, not have to pretend we're more confident than we are, but instead to just be who we are and have someone accept us isn't the same as someone desiring us. Someone may accept you. They may think you're wonderful. That's not the same as desiring. People aren't

so powerful that the mechanisms, the kind of economics of value that happen to all of us reflexively are things they can just control. If we behave as someone who has no value, who isn't desired by anybody else, hasn't been wanted by anyone in years, and who can blame them? You've got all these terribly unattractive features. If we continue to paint that picture to someone, then they can be forgiven for losing desire because we're all going on these unconscious ways of measuring people's value and then getting attracted or not attracted to where they end up on that scale. Can we do some of these things I've said in this video and get away with it? Of course we can. Can they even be charming sometimes? Yes. Can they make us human and

vulnerable in the right context? Of course. But the question we have to ask ourselves is, is the pattern of my behavior one that paints a picture of someone that has value or someone that does not. And if the answer is the latter, we have to start redressing these things that we do to sabotage ourselves with the people we like. Thanks for listening. And before you go, if it is a priority for you this year to find your person, I have a practical roadmap for you in a free training I did called Dating with Results. It's a 60 minute training. It is helping so many people right now who are going through it. And you can be one of them by going to datingwithresults.com. When you sign up, you get a two day free pass to watch the training. So just make sure you diarize it so you don't miss your window and go there now. Datingwithresults.com is the link. I'll see you over there and enjoy the training. you