Love Life with Matthew Hussey - (Rewind): Why People Disappear When You Show Interest

Episode Date: May 12, 2023

Have you ever felt like the moment you show you really like someone, they start to lose interest? It can make you feel like you ALWAYS have to play games or be "hard-to-get" in order to keep their attention. But is this really true? In this episode, Matthew and Stephen explain the reasons this can happen and what it really means if someone backs off when you decide you like them. --- Follow Matt @thematthewhussey Follow Stephen @stephenhhussey --- ►► Stop Waiting and Start Creating the Happiness You Deserve NOW - Claim your spot on my Virtual Retreat, June 2 - 4, 2023 → MHVirtualRetreat.com

This always happens. I show interest and they disappear. That would be to suggest that showing interest itself is inherently unattractive. Hey everyone, it's Matthew Hussey with the Love Life Podcast. Thank you so much for being here. I think you're going to enjoy this clip. It's a classic from the archives. Check it out. And don't forget, if you can leave us a review on iTunes, it would mean the world. It helps us spread the word about this podcast. All all right let's get into the episode well let's talk about it steve because you know this idea that when i show interest they they disappear what is that here's the is that a thing is that a thing that is it an illusion or is that a real thing that happens you You show someone in, are there people who get interest from someone and they are turned off by it? Well, that's the question, isn't it?

Is it just, are we really saying here that it's just, because this is a claim I think a lot of people make when they say this always happens. I show interest and they disappear. That would be to suggest that showing interest itself is inherently unattractive right and it would be hard to argue the truth of that statement it leads to those stalemates of no one dares wants to take one step forward or put themselves on the line because they think i'm gonna lose the chess game if i show any interest right Right. So I think we should almost break this down into what are the causes of someone losing interest once we show our interest? What categories could that phenomenon fall into?

I'd like to start, and I'm wondering what you think of this, Steve, with a simple idea that some people are not looking for what you're looking for or are unhealthy emotionally. Yes. So those are two separate things. They're not necessarily the same thing, but let's just start with those two things. What are your thoughts on those two two steve yes i agree so the first one may be that once you show a level of interest that freaks them out they they realize oh i don't want to commit to this person this much i was attracted to them i was having fun with them. I was enjoying dating, but they're really into me. And they might be like, I'm backing off now because I've gone in

too deep or I don't want to go where this person's taking me. I think that is a real phenomenon that happens to people. That's exactly right. So you can't, you know, that you can't put, you can't make that a personal issue. You just have to say some people are not ready for a real relationship. And that's why they're backing off when they realize that I am ready for a real relationship. And we have to start seeing that as a positive, not a negative. That if I learn that someone doesn't want a real relationship and that makes them go away, well, how was I going to get them to stay by pretending I didn't want a real relationship? All that means is I'm deferring my hurt to some time down the road when I finally admit that I want more. And then guess what? You're going to get the exact same answer, which is I'm scared. I don't want more. I didn't sign up for this. And the truth is about that guy is that he may have already felt that way from the very

beginning of you dating. It's not that you brought it up and suddenly showed too much interest. And now he's like, I'm out. He may have never planned to take things further, but it's only because you prompted the conversations that he's now backing off. In that sense, what you're experiencing is just a revealing of what someone's intentions have been all along. along so we can kind of rule that out as not just something not to feel bad about but actually a good thing that you should feel proud of yourself in the moments where you showing a greater interest reveals that someone has no intention of of making something more of this situation with you though there is a different there is something that doesn't fall into that category, which is when you bringing up your interest in someone, when you showing more interest

actually does have an effect on them. It does repel them. And this is the case of someone being emotionally unhealthy themselves. Yes. So in this situation, there's different ways of looking at it. One is someone else having issues with themselves, low self-esteem. They don't prize themselves highly. They haven't truly accepted themselves. So this can create one of a couple of effects. And it could also be the beginning bit, right?

The very early moment where you show a bit of interest on Tinder or something and someone's like, oh no, this person's too easy. They're always looking for the difficult to catch fish and someone who likes them is like oh that's that that they want me too easily like they must be lower value than i am yeah so definitely a phenomenon i i see this kind of being a couple of different things you have the person who doesn't actually think a lot of themselves so this is the i'm hideous so if you like me you must be hideous effect groucho marx right i wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have someone like me as a member exactly so this is the self the kind of

self-loathing phenomenon i don't like myself i don't value myself so if you like me then you must not have much value that's one side of it the other side of it is someone who their relationship with happiness is one of constantly trying to attain something that they think will make them happy once they get it. A simple example of this in commercial terms is, you know, why does, I don't know, why does American Express have a platinum card? It's so that people who have a regular Amex can have something to aspire to. Right? Now, what's the difference? Unless I'm spending a fortune every month, why would I want a platinum with a much higher limit over a regular Amex. Because I think that something about having that platinum card in my wallet is going to make me happier. Now I've got the platinum card. And Amex says, by the way, you know, did you know Jay-Z has a black card?

He has an Amex black card. Don't you want the black card? And you go, wait, what's that one? And they go, it's a super special Amex we have. Very few people who have it. And now you want that one. Why? Is it going to change your life?

On some level, we must think, ah, that's going to make me happier. I could just get that one. And you can guarantee that after that, by the way, Amex, there probably is some super special Amex that us mere mortals don't even know about. You know, some sort of Amex club that Jay-Z's trying to get into. It's just Bezos and Elon Musk and that's it. But when you hear about that club, you go,

oh, I want to be in that club. Because what it's really about is this obsession with attainment, this obsession with I need something, I need something else. I think that's going to make me happier. You know, that line in Hamilton, you know, I'll never be satisfied. It's that feeling of, you know, that phrase is very, very powerful, you know, I'll never be satisfied. I'm always looking for the bigger thing, the better thing, the more exclusive club. And you can never, for someone like that, you can never be a great enough club for them not to be looking for another exclusive club because guess what

the moment you show interest in a person like that you're no longer the exclusive club the moment you show interest to a person like that you've accepted them and acceptance is a turnoff for them because acceptance means I already won. And there's a different win now to go for. So now they go for the, what's the bigger kill? What's the bigger win? What's the more exclusive club? You can never be that club.

Once you actually accept someone, you can never, you can never again be the exclusive club to them because you accepted them. You can never again be the exclusive club to them because you accepted them, you invited them in. So someone like that. So there's the people, I guess the distinction I'm drawing is that there are people that have an incredibly unhealthy relationship

with themselves where they loathe themselves and that's why they immediately think that you must not be great if you like them. And then there's the people that have a really unhealthy relationship with happiness, where they think that the happiness is always in the game, never in the having. I hope you enjoyed the episode and a quick note before you go, the virtual retreat is coming up from the 2nd to the 4th of June. If you want to do three days of coaching with me, go to mhvirtualretreat.com. I promise you it will be here before we know it. If you know you want to join us, now is the time to get on board.

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