Love Life with Matthew Hussey - Starting Fresh After a Painful Breakup

Episode Date: April 20, 2016

How do you start over again after ending a long-term relationship? In today’s episode I take a call from a lovely woman named Christina who thinks she’s ready to get back “out there” after she and her boyfriend of 5 years called it quits. I give my best tips for getting stronger, keeping perspective, dating again without burning out, and my surprising secret for dealing with the pain while your heart is still healing.

Welcome to Love Life. I'm Matthew Hussey and I have an amazing show for you today. But first, let me ask you, did you know that there are three female mindsets that drive men absolutely wild? Okay, you're right. Confidence is one, but can you guess the other two? I'll give you a minute to think about it and we'll come back to this at the end of the show. But first, let's get into today's episode. We have a caller on the line today. That caller is Christina. Christina, are you there? Hi, Matthew. Hello, lovely. How are you? I'm doing well. How about yourself? Yeah, good. Thank you. I'm very good. What was your question, Christina? So I just got out of a long-term relationship and I'm just looking for some advice on dating in this new phase of my life even though

I'm still sort of recovering and warning that loss and trying to keep a friendship with him a little bit and just sort of how to break out and start fresh do you do you want to date again I do as in as in now or are you if you were honest are you still in love with this person I think I'm ready to move on okay so you're ready to move on so in in in which case what what is it exactly you feel afraid of right now by going out and dating uh I think you think the last relationship didn't work and I'm really looking to find that person and get married and the fear of rejection, I guess, is really what is scary.

Because I know you mentioned about the fact that the two of you are still friends. Is there anything about that situation that's you are still friends is there is there anything about that situation that's that's worrying you about going out there and dating again that's still linked back to that relationship as opposed to you just being out there on your own again and trying to make this happen well it's difficult because he's always still sort of in my sphere and present so just to really be trying to sort of change gears and move forward, it's hard when he's always sort of there in the background a little bit. Is that because the two of you, your lives do cross a lot naturally as in you,

you're in the same circles or is it because... We are in the same circles. Okay. So the first thing I would do is if you can actually limit the communication even more than you are now, or just for a time, not have this person in your life. I mean, they're not going to go away for good. You're still going to have them as a friend when you come back. But to really limit that now, I think will serve you massively in moving on at this stage. Now, in terms of the dating part, the key thing that has to be avoided, and I believe this of any breakup, is the comparison of the first or second or third or fifth person you meet to the person you've just been with. Because you weren't together for five years for nothing. You were together for five years because there was something that kept you connected. And even in toxic relationships, there's still something that can connect you to someone, can make you feel like that person was a great friend or someone

you wanted to be around. And the big mistake we all make is, you know, the first person we sleep with or the first person we go on a date with, we're immediately making all of these comparisons between that person and everything we've just had. As soon as they don't match up, our mind starts playing tricks on us and saying, oh, this is so hard. Maybe that person that I was with was right for me. If only they would change their mind about something. If only I could have them in the way that I wanted to have them.

You, you start, uh, overanalyzing the situation instead of looking at the bigger picture. The bigger picture is it's not about the one person that you're going to date to begin with, or even the first five people that you're going to date. The bigger picture is about the freedom you now have to go and find what you really want and deserve. And that is the important part and the part that always needs to be kept in perspective, as opposed to the kind of micro view that people take on it, which is, is the next person I'm going to meet going to be the right person? Which always freaks us out and leads to dating burnout because you go on another date, it's crap, you have a bad time,

and you go home and immediately you feel exhausted and lonely and isolated. And all of those feelings really do suck, especially when you remember all the good times from your last relationship. So for you right now, yes, the key is to be able to go out and have fun and keep great friends around you. By the way, you need different types of friends. You need the friends that are the great, great wisdom, the people that really sit you down and have great talks with you. But you also need those friends who go out with you and have a great time. The fun lovers, the people that are going to be free spirited right now and just, you know, not not take everything too seriously and just have fun with you.

You need those people around you. So, yes, you need those. Yes, you need to go out. Yes, you need to take risks with some people that you find attractive and see what happens. But at the same time, keep it all in perspective and don't let the analyzing part of your brain run away with you in the beginning by trying to create the result too quickly. You're simultaneously right now going through a process of healing from the last situation. And look, there's always a wound.

You break up with someone, there's a wound. Um, you're, you're simultaneously trying to nurse that wound, uh, at the same time as training other parts of your body to get strong. Um, and, and that in itself can be a really beautiful process and, and one not to be, not to be shied away from. Uh, so I think you're in a beautiful phase of your life and I, and I mean that sincerely, I think it's a really beautiful phase of your life. I think it can be tremendously exciting at the same time as it can be tremendously painful. Um, and, um, and I think that's okay.

And being okay with that, uh that is really, really important. I'll leave you with this. There's this great moment in the movie Lawrence of Arabia where he's burning matches until they get down to his fingertips and then the flame goes out on his fingertips

and one of the other soldiers looks at him and he says, okay, how'd you do it? How'd you do that? And he takes the match and he burns it until it gets to his fingertips. And then he goes, ow, he goes, it hurt him, right? It burnt him. And he said, he looks at him and he says, OK, so what's the trick?

How'd you do it? What's the trick? And he says to him, the trick is not minding that it hurts. And I think that's absolutely true of the situation you're in right now. It hurts. It sucks. You're out there trying to recreate and start fresh. And as there is all this excitement, there is also all this pain. The trick isn't avoiding the pain.

The trick is just not minding. Well, I've said a lot. So I hope, did you feel this was useful? Yes, definitely. I'm excited for you. Thank you. I think it's a, it's an amazing time. So go enjoy it and look after yourself in the process. Be kind to yourself. All right. I certainly will. Thanks so much. All right. Thanks for calling in Christina. All right. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Well, did you guess what the other two mindsets are that drive men wild?

Good news, you don't have to rack your brain forever for the answer. I'm giving you free, exclusive access to a Q&A session from my live seminar where I coach real women on how to deal with hot and cold men, how to find out if a guy is single, how to be strong and confident in a relationship, and more. To get your free access to three female mindsets that drive men absolutely wild, just go to lovelifepodcast.com forward slash mindsets.