Love Life with Matthew Hussey - Stop Investing 100% if He’s Only Giving You 50%

Episode Date: November 11, 2016

Getting a new relationship off the ground can be tough. Pacing is everything, and if one person emotionally gets ahead of the other too quickly, it can cause major problems. In today’s episode, I take a call from a woman named Tiffany who’s not sure how to regain her footing in a relationship after her self-professed “clingy” behavior caused her guy to suggest they see other people. I show her how to make her happiness a priority, which could end up restoring the balance in her current relationship… or lead to a new relationship with a man who’s even better for her.

Hello everyone, this is Love Life with Matthew Hussey. You know, we've all been hurt in relationships. If we're not careful, we can end up shutting ourselves off completely to protect ourselves from more pain. But that cheats us out of opportunities to find the love we really deserve. So what should we do instead? I want to come back to this at the end of the show. But first, let's get into today's episode. We have a caller on the line today.

Tiffany, are you there? I am. Hi, Matt. So excited to talk to you. I'm excited to talk to you. How are you? I'm wonderful. Thank you.

Thank you. And thank you for trying to answer my question. You're so welcome. So tell us your question. What did you want to know today? Okay, a little background. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about six months. At the beginning of the relationship, he told me, you're always invited. Don't ask. I always want you around, like the typical. Then two months later, two months into it, he starts telling me he needs his independence.

I'm super clingy. He starts pushing me away, which makes me grasp on even harder. After like three or four weeks of this, I finally like became resentful and blew up. So after a week of not speaking, we finally had our adult conversation and we agreed to work things out, but he wants to work things out without like attaching a title to our relationship like we have had. And then he also wants to keep like the doors of opportunity open. So if I meet someone or he meets someone and they spark our interest, we have like full disclosure to go out with this person, but we have to tell each other that we're pursuing someone else. Right. So I wanted loyalty and his commitment, but, and I want to respect his wishes, but I'm really not sure like what I feel or think about

this whole arrangement yeah it's tough it's tough because right now you're a kind of halfway house and the problem with that place is that it also it doesn't allow him to really recognize if you're right or not um it's when you're when you're giving him part of you and at the same time he's free to go and do whatever he wants he doesn't really ever feel that withdrawal from you. And as a result, there's nothing to come back to. You're always there. Now, we have to be very careful in life not to give our total investment

to someone who's only willing to give 50% investment back to us. This is really important. Because respecting his wishes might be saying, I want you to be happy. So if being happy is being with going and being with other people, I want you to do that. But respecting myself is saying that I have to withdraw while you do that. And I have to go and do my own thing because I think life is all about living it at 100% of your passion and your excitement and your joy, not 50%. Right now, you're in this weird limbo where you're doing neither.

You're not going out and finding someone else, but you're also not getting that 100% passion with him. Is that fair to say? Fair. So here's what I'm interested in, though, based on what you've said. What would you do differently next time around? If you met this guy all over again and you had a chance to do it differently, what would you do differently in your behavior? Well, I've been like studying your YouTube videos.

I've downloaded so much of your stuff. And I agree with you where if he gets super excited and starts out the relationship hot and heavy, that I should be the one to kind of draw back and be like, maybe you should hang out with your people and I'll hang out with my people you know and maybe we could meet up like Friday instead of Thursday or give him some more space instead of being so attached all the time because I've lost a sense of myself as well right so you so he was very passionate that you then became clingier as time went on. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And he then suddenly started to withdraw because he felt too close, or he at least felt like he was too oppressed in that moment. Yes. Okay. So this isn't, by the way, this isn't about holding back your passion, because at the end of the day, one of the most fun parts of a relationship is the passionate stage. So you don't want to necessarily be holding back there, but you also want to be smart about it in saying, well, okay, how well do I know this

person? Should I be, you know, giving up all of my time for them right now? Or should I be pacing myself a little bit with them and allow it to build and allow trust to build before we just open the floodgates of every part of ourselves and our lives. So you might find that he's going to have a lonely moment or he's going to have a lonely week or a lonely month where he comes back to you and he's suddenly all passionate again and telling you all these sweet things. And your instinct will be to just run back, give this person everything and do the same thing as last time. Probably. I don't want you to hold back your passion, but what I do want you to do is hold back your investment a little bit and allow him to earn those parts of you instead of just having them there on a plate. And at the same time, as you know, maintain the

other parts of your life that are important to you because you know, he's not the only thing that would be important to you. Your friends would, your family would, your job, your hobbies, the new things you want to try, new adventures you want to go on. All of these things are important as well. And keeping those things is what will maintain what makes you attractive and challenging as a human being. And I don't mean challenging in the sense that you play hard to get. I just mean challenging in the sense that he still has to discover more about you. So don't lose those things. I guess that's my question. How do I become challenging when we're kind of like together, but not? Well, my first suggestion is you're not. Okay. I would say to him, listen, I'm, I'm interested in,

in moving forward with you, but if you really want to be with other people, that's okay. But that's not my standard. You know, I, I can't, I don't want to be with someone where it's casual and they're casual with other people at the same time as me. You know, I respect that that's what you want, but I also respect myself enough not to do that. So I want you to go and do that if that's what you want to do. And maybe we'll catch up sometime, you know, in the near future. Then you create distance and let him feel you going

and expanding those other parts of your life you're only going to become more attractive to him when you do it and then when he comes back and tries to start getting your time again uh you it may not be a cold hard no but it might be something that he has to work back to and then he feels like you're challenging because he's having to earn you back into his life okay all right it's not going to be easy. Never is, especially when you like someone. The temptation is always just to give them what they want. But what I'm interested in right now is what you want and what's actually going to get you there. And what's going to get you there is not necessarily the thing that your gut is telling you to do, which is just to

keep going along to please him and doing what he wants. Gotcha. All right. That makes sense. And by the way, don't be afraid to go out and flirt and have fun in the meantime. You don't have to be sleeping with anyone, but you could still go out and have fun and enjoy other people and see what's out there. You're going to realize how many options there are and that any one guy isn't going to be the source of your happiness,

that the world is a big place. I agree. Thank you. All right. Look after yourself, Tiffany. I'll speak to you place. I agree. Thank you. All right. Look after yourself, Tiffany. I'll speak to you soon. All right. Thank you. At the beginning of today's show, I brought up the question, how can we open ourselves up to love again when we've been hurt? In one of my live seminars, I actually coached a woman through this

in a Q&A session, and I want to give you free access to it today. I call this video, The Three Female Mindsets That Drive Men Wild, and it's filled with empowering and practical advice that you can use today. To get your free access, just go to lovelifepodcast.com forward slash mindsets.