Love Life with Matthew Hussey - The Best vs. Worst Cities for Dating RANKED

Episode Date: November 12, 2025

Is love really easier to find in Chicago than in Los Angeles? Or is it all in how you show up? In this week’s all-new Love Life episode, we unpack the myths and realities of dating in different cities—and what your zip code might (or might not) have to do with your love life.Plus, we tackle a Love Life Line question from a listener in her 50s who’s navigating the tricky waters of dating men who prefer much younger partners. Is this a red flag, or should she keep an open mind?---►► If you’ve ever felt like you’re giving more than you’re getting, this free Masterclass is for you. Discover how to turn something casual into something real at getcommitment.com  ►► Give the gift of comfort that lasts well beyond the holidays. Head to cozyearth.com and use code LOVELIFE to get 40% off before December 12 . . . the perfect time for holiday shopping! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome everybody to Love Life today. We talk about the best and worst cities in which to date and try to find love. We answer a love lifeline question with a lovely woman who is in her 50s and dating men who have been dating younger, far younger than her, and wonders if she should see that as a turnoff or if she should still proceed with those men. We respond to some comments from one of our recent podcasts that caused a little bit of a stir among the audience, and we have a Steve's sleeves. So don't go anywhere.

It's all coming up in today's Love Life podcast. Enjoy. Stephen, you have the data from Time Out on the worst cities in the world to date. That's true. I do. Take us through them. Okay, you start with number one?

Are they in order of how bad they are, or are they just, these are ten horrible seats? They're in order of how bad they are. Okay, so number one's the worst? The worst. Let's start with number ten then. Number ten, Vienna. Number nine. Wait, you have any comment on Vienna?

I haven't been to Vienna. It's very small, I think, isn't it? Small city. I can't say I've ever been or know much about dating in Vienna. Do we have anyone out there dating in Vienna who can verify that Vienna is a horrible city today in email as podcast at Matthew Hussie.com? Number nine, Sydney, Australia. Interesting.

That surprises me. That surprised me a bit. That surprises me because it's a very outdoor culture. So is L.A. and Hale is horrible to date. Well, there's a thing that comes up. We can talk about that. A lot of big cities seem to be low-ranked. So, number, joint seven.

I'm surprised at Sydney, though. I feel like Sydney is a good place to date. Especially, well, maybe if you're a young person, Sydney is a good place to date, like 20s. You go out to the beach, get out the bod. You know, maybe that's the vibe. Maybe if you're in your like 30s, 40s, 50s in Sydney, maybe it starts to get more difficult. Joint number seven is London and Brisbane, Australia. Again, London surprises me because I always found.

that a great city to date in and I would always tell people oh London's amazing because people come from all over the world great mix of people dense like there's just a you know you can get any kind of person in London maybe it's the rain bad weather makes you make you not want to go out expensive maybe there's a big density of people in in London and there are lots of different kinds of people Audrey you lived in London the longest how was it to date I, same as you, I enjoy dating in London. Oh, for God's sakes. Sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I dated before you. I think, I thought, I rate London highly. Okay, joint five, Los Angeles and New York City. I can't believe Los Angeles. Oh, wait, Los Angeles is worse than London. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. But it's just right behind it.

But L.A. and New York joint, I feel like New York's better than L.A. Yeah, I would totally agree with that. Hell, New York's so much. easier you go out you you can you could have three dates in one night in new york that's the problem there we go there we have it they're different problems different problems LA is bad for different different reasons LA is hard because you got very high competition especially in looks and you've got also you've got a lot of famous people is very spread out kind of a lot of similar people all in a similar industry so I think a lot of people here find dating harder than a lot of cities so that makes

sense. I am surprised New York. There's a lot of, it's a very monotone conversation for a lot of people in LA when it's in the bubble of the entertainment industry. But people forget how big LA is. L.A. is not just entertainment people. It's massive. And there are many different people doing many different kinds of jobs. No, it is. But people stay indoors a lot in L.A. They do things around there. Yeah, I think I think that's the hard part. It's hard to get people to do anything in L.A. It's also the values of a city, right? Like New York is like a hustler city. People move there. They have to sink or swim and they're just incredibly driven and they hustle and they just

they're like trying to get somewhere and finding love and setting down might not actually be top priority for a lot of people. So then it feels a bit more kind of casual and transient and all the rest of it. L.A., to your point is obviously a lot of different people. Well, I was going to say with L.A., I think the values of L.A., a lot of, for not everybody, there's again so many different kinds of people in LA but there is definitely a currency around fame and status which then means that like you have to navigate that kind of like the values of the city in some pockets of the city which can make it feel if you fall prey to you know if you've

gone to date with someone that's a bit like that you can make you feel inadequate and not good enough yeah maybe I think it's still I've never dated in LA so I don't know they're still there's still like a huge hustle culture in LA because A lot of people gave up a lot to be in LA. True. Like they moved across the country. They have a dream that they're pursuing. And they've made so many sacrifices to be there that it's kind of like nothing can get in the way of that.

Because that's my entire reason for being in this place. And then you have those people who grew up here. And, you know, I'm not best place to talk about why that's hard. But I do think the sprawling nature of the city. just makes the activation energy for everybody a higher to just do anything, to leave your house. And also, you're always like, the advantage of somewhere like New York is that someone can say, you could be already out and someone in New York says, come meet us over in this bar. And you're like, sure, because it's just a quick cab ride.

Yeah, exactly. In L.A., when you're out and someone says, we're out over here, you're like, well, that's a 40-minute drive. It was never happening. Once you've committed, you're in. Yeah. Actually, a lot of women complain about New York because I believe New York is quite female heavy on the numbers side.

So I think maybe for single men, New York helps. Number four, Marseille, France. I have no clue what's going on in Marseille, France. And it's number four on the list. Marseille's the fourth worst city to date in the world. Yeah, I, yeah, I've been there once. Don't look at me. I don't know why it's the worst day

it's a little bit we're looking at you as the closest thing to France we have a French correspondent yeah no okay no I don't know I'm sorry for everyone in Marseille who's going through number two number three Hong Kong don't know what's going on Hong Kong

I don't know a lot of expats there maybe it's just super busy work culture not sure Hong Kong's quite a daty culture I think especially like all the expats there probably a lot of dating and transient stuff. So I think maybe that's harder. Yeah.

Interesting. Number two, Tokyo, Japan. That tracks. Yeah. You think it's cultural? I mean, you hear, you know, all the time from, you know, when it comes to Japanese culture, the difficulty people have in meeting each other. Yeah.

You know, getting to know each other. the you know that it's not a cultural norm to i mean i think it's becoming less culturally normal everywhere for people to just stroll over and talk to each other yeah so i don't think like i think that that's happening in america in england in europe like it's the dating apps and addiction to our phones and people feeling i think you know over the last few years men have been more concerned about looking creepy when they talk to somebody uh i think people in general have had their social skills eroded and so the idea of like i'm going to just walk over and talk to someone is is it's not not a thing but it's less of a thing than it was japan is kind of as i understand it leading the pack and has

been leading the pack for a long time in yes finding it strange to just walk over to someone and start a conversation the other thing is the other thing as well, which I think is really important to mention, is, you know, Japan is a very, it's quite a traditional country. And I think there's sort of, where that comes, maybe traditional values around gender roles and things like that. And so as women, and we see this in other pockets of the world, but I definitely think this is true in Japan. And anecdotally from speaking to people, this seems to be true. As women, you know, rise up in the ranks, get jobs, get kind of independence in that way, they sort of,

they look at relationships as almost the expectation is that they then would become almost a housewife to a man and they don't necessarily want that because they feel like they've got their independence why would they settle for that and that kind of traditional values ends up creating friction between the two genders and i think i can understand that you know women feel that way as well yeah and then it's obviously hard for men because they're maybe looking for something that then women are not necessarily able to give them in this moment in time. It's crazy because Tokyo, you can have probably the most fun dates

because there's so much to do that isn't just going out for drinks. You just go for three dinners and then finish off of McDonald's. And then karaoke. And number one, which I have no idea about, is Bill Bell in Spain.

That's number one. Doesn't Bill Bell have like some of the best restaurants in the world or am I thinking of somewhere else? I'm not sure if it's that place, but I've been to several Spanish cities. I've never been to Bilbao. I can't be that big.

So I don't know why locals are Bill Baal really saying the dating scene is. And it feels like if you're putting Bilbao in that list, it feels like there should be plenty of other small cities in the firing line. So interesting. Well, we are not qualified to talk about many of these cities, even the ones we are weighing in on. We would love for you to tell us what you, you know, if you're in one of these cities,

Is it as hard as timeout is suggesting in this questionable list that they've put together? Let's know, podcast at Matthew Hussie.com. Now, David, you have found what are allegedly a couple of the best cities to date in. Yeah. I'm actually curious, what did it say the metric was for measuring? It was just according to locals. According to locals. You can't trust.

No, it was love life satisfaction according to locals. Okay. So it was a percentage of people who felt satisfied in their lives. Yeah. Okay. Actually, in all this list, I'm really surprised San Francisco didn't come up because I always hear from women who say it's difficult in San Francisco. So I'm actually very surprised that didn't come up.

Well, so this is a somewhat conflicting list. And albeit the metric for this is oddly, I have two different lists. The metric for this is single percentage, but also weirdly separated out is percentage of divorced people, which I feel like... Like they're saying that's a good thing if there's lots of divorce people. Because what people then were married at some point? No, they're saying because people are available, right?

Yeah. But wouldn't that also just be single? Yeah. Yeah. So it's making a distinction between single and divorce. So let's take this list with a grain of salt. But the bottom of the top is Berlin, Germany. Also, it's a bit of a poison chalice.

Yes. isn't it? Like to, we, we, we have the most people available, but we all, more people get divorced here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is it, yeah. So, yeah. You'll find love and then you'll lose it. Yeah. Yeah. It's true. It's, it's true. Berlin, Germany at the bottom. San Francisco is next above that because there are so many single people. Um, Chicago, Barcelona, Stockholm, Sweden. Chicago makes sense to me for some reason. Yeah. I feel like it's like a slightly, less you know intense new york and i and it's sort of that maybe is a bit more like midwest vibes people willing to actually commit unlike new york we met a couple of we're on holiday

recently we met a couple who were from chicago and they were really sweet and they were they got married they were like 26 yeah chicago makes sense so cool 60% people single apparently so but i actually think that i have a more interesting list which but it's only in the u U.S., which rates... Wait, did you do the top ones? What were the other top ones there? The top top of that list was Gothberg, Sweden at the third most. That was the third best place to be single?

Yeah, Gothenburg, Sweden. 58% people single there, 55% divorced. Then London with 57% people single. Okay, that's confusing. Different list. It's because it's measuring it on different, yeah, exactly, it's a different metric. It's just saying how many people there are for you to... That it's like there's so many available people because no one

Miami wants to commit Miami's number one yeah there's a lot of single people in Miami yeah that's that you hear a lot of complaints that's also a tough dating market in different ways because it's probably less committal so that's why I think the better one is the top cities this this other list which bounced it off of three factors one was single availability cost of rent and like, uh, like their placement on national nightlife ranking, which I think is a good three. But if you're 50 and looking for love, do you care about like nightlife in that way? I mean, part of nightlife was like good restaurants, good places to socialize. But yeah,

it's, it's not all, all like night nightlife. It's like good social opportunities. Okay. There I'll just give you the top, um, I'll give you the top, um, I'll give you the top. Three, and it's only in the U.S. Salt Lake City, Utah is third place. Medium bedroom rent is 1,200, and people can tell if this is, if that's their experience. But 1,200 is a one-bedroom rent, and it's top 10 in entertainment in terms of, like, being able to go out and, you know, infrastructure for being able to go out. Number two is Knoxville, Tennessee. Okay.

And then number one is St. Louis. Missouri. Wow. And then they also have the worst cities, which three of them are in California, which is in the Bay Area, which is where I'm from, Henderson, San Jose, Fresno, and Bakersfields. Do you know what this just, the more I listen to these lists, the more I'm just like, there is no, we can scrap the idea that there is this perfect place to go and date. Because it just doesn't exist. There are ones that come up quite freely. They seem to be like mid-tier-sized cities. But I also think that that comes with, you know, some people like that in Sweden, like, but they're, but they're also very small and your choices actually you don't,

yeah, I don't know. I think you'd get disadvantages because it limits your choices as well. Guys, one of the most challenging things about modern dating is not just finding someone that we like, which can be challenging all by itself. But even once we have, and we find someone who likes us back, it still feels so difficult to get to the point of actually having a real committed relationship with that person. That's because of something called the investment gap. It is the time in early dating where we are willing to give and invest and commit more than the other person is. I have put together a free training called From Casual to Committed, where I talk about how to

overcome the investment gap. It is one of the most common things in the world right now. And I show you very specific things that you can do and say that actually start to progress the relationship in an intentional way that leads to real commitment. And I know of what I speak in this area, not just because I've been coaching people in this area for two decades of my life, but also because in the beginning of my relationship with my wife, Audrey, I was the one who is having some fears around commitment. And some of the things I talk about in this training are things that she literally said and did with me that made all the difference to my ability to commit. It's amazing what the right language and the right actions can do in creating

a relationship that actually goes the distance. I want to show you what they are in casual to committed, which you can watch for free right now at get commitment.com. That link again is get commitment.com. You know something that I think we are all quite guilty of is when we're in our 20s, we'll be like, dating in your 20s is the worst because nobody is ready for a relationship or everybody is whatever. Then when you're in your 30s, you're like, dating in your 30s is the worst because everybody is pairing off and there's no one left and, you know, I'm going to be on my own. When you're late in your 40s, it's like everybody in their 40s who's still single is either damaged or coming out of a marriage and doesn't want a relationship, getting in your 40s

is the worst. Anyway, you've got that like every single stage of dating and every single stage of life. And I think that people do the same thing with where they live, right? Where there are objectively worse and better places and worse and better ages to date. So I think like you're more likely to find someone more quickly if you're intentionally looking at 28 years old than 60 years old just but even by default of having more more people available to you same with like if you're going on three dates a week versus one day every three months you're more likely to find someone to be with but i do think that we're kind of guilty of almost being like blaming our circumstances and always seeing that that's the worst thing i don't know if you guys agree with that like people will do that

with their cities. It's kind of the easiest place to go when we're frustrated and it was one of the easy places to go when we're frustrated. I look it certainly helps to be around a density of people like that much is true and I'm tempted to say that having a density of people around you is generally better than being in a place where there's very few people around being in a tiny place is harder yeah do you think that's true though if you're somewhere like l a new york where it feels like no one really is intentionally dating there's no city that exists on earth where people are not feeling the pull towards meeting a partner everywhere there are people who go you know what would make life a little easier in this city where I'm trying relentlessly to make

it a person, a loving partner to do this with? And the generalization that just like everyone is so blissfully happy chasing their careers that they have no interest in finding a partner. I think is it just doesn't, it doesn't take like that's not a reasonable analysis of human behavior. yes when people are in a mode where they're pursuing aggressively a career their career often comes first but not everyone is like that and many people's values shift as they meet someone they really like um yes it's true that when there's a greater density of people you're you're up against more competition you are um so you have to stand out you have to be better like that's just true. But that doesn't have to be, you don't have to put that in your mind as something

unattainable or unattainable. It can be something that you can, you do by just making the best of yourself. And I do, I think we have to check ourselves in these environments because we are, we're also the ones who are often so choosy based on the idea that there's always going to be another person that we don't actually invest enough time and energy in somebody to see how great they could be. We don't go on that second date or have that extra conversation to actually get to know someone. So we can end up becoming that vibe ourselves. I also think that we're like cities are lonely places for a lot of people. And if you don't, if you're not proactive about meeting people in general you can really get lost in a city and it's a particular kind of loneliness when you're

in a place where it feels like everyone else is hanging out doing cool things you're walking home people are spilling out of bars and restaurants and you know laughing together on the street holding a cocktail and doing that and you're like i'm i don't have that i'm going home i don't have my people i've never met my people here i don't have a person cities can make you feel incredibly lonely in that way. That's true. And you kind of get FOMO all the time for what you could be doing or an experience you think you should be having, but you're not having that experience.

So you feel both on the, you feel like you're inside a city but on the outside of the experience. And I really believe it takes a huge amount of courage and bravery to meet people. in a city. You have to engineer interactions. And for some of us, that means being willing to make the approach more. You know, I was always, like, I was often scared to make the approach. I was always a bit scared to make the approach, to be honest. I was never like so unstoppably confident that I didn't feel nerves when I went over to approach somebody. And sometimes it would go well and sometimes it wouldn't stephen you've been with me on both occasions

times where it's gone well and times where nothing you know it it it didn't and in those moments you feel stupid and you feel a bit embarrassed and you're like ugh like but you you did the thing and i think that we do have to we have to keep our courage in creating these moments with other people, especially if you don't want to be sitting in a city addicted to dating apps. And, you know, like, I can't get off these things because I just don't know how to meet anyone in real life anymore. And also, it's not, it's not just about approaching. It's about approachability. Like, this is one of the key things that so many people miss is they're so busy thinking about how do I go over and talk to someone that they don't think about how they make

themselves more approachable. Now, how do you position yourself in a room? Do you position yourself? Do you position yourself facing the wall or standing at the bar facing inwards towards the bar or do you position yourself in a way where it would be easy for someone to come over and talk to you or you're looking at someone as well are you making enough eye contact absolutely are you creating micro interactions i think a lot about the idea of micro interactions i'm very very big on this every every um you know it's like we think in terms of i'm either talking to someone or i'm not talking to someone and it feels like there's this enormous gulf between those two things but micro interactions is like if I sliced this what are the like 100 slices in between that that make it more

likely that something happens that we tumble into to a conversation it might be eye contact it might be how I position myself it might be asking someone what they're drinking because it looks good. It might be cheers, you know, cheering someone, like the who happens to be standing next to you at the bar and just say, hey, cheers. You know, these little tiny moments, um, the moment, I like your bag. I like your jacket. I really like those shoes. Like these little things that signal to someone all the time. Like, hey, I'm a person who's open to speaking to people. I'm a person who's warm. I'm not a person who's going to bite your head off for talking to me. These, we should. We should. should focus far less on the big moves that we could.

Because walking across the room to talk to someone is a big move, right? But we should, instead of obsessing over those all the time and never doing anything, we should be thinking, what are the micro interactions that I can have with a person that are very risk-free, they're very low stakes, but they have a weird way of, you know, growing into something more if I do them, because you're signaling to the world. And also I think like if you're especially in a bar environment or, you know, in a kind of like social environment in that way, if you walk in and you talk to everybody and, you know, before you even identify, do I like anyone as anybody walked in that I think is attractive, any of that, if you walk in and you talk to lots of people and you make lots of touch points with people, you kind of warm yourself up so that then if somebody is attractive and, you know, you do find somebody attractive, then you and you are able to talk to them more comfortably. And you haven't kind of been in your shell the whole night.

And suddenly it's like a massive leap to talk to this person. Because now it's not a strategy as a way of being. Yes, exactly. And that changes it. So I think that's the biggest advice I would give to people in big cities is that you have to get like your pride is your enemy in a lot of ways. Especially by the way, the longer you've been in the city. this is something that you'll notice the longer we're in a city the more we sort of like concretize

and we find our couple of people and we find our little routines and you know now it's when you first walk into a coffee shop having never been there it's not embarrassing to introduce yourself to the barrister to ask someone's name to say hi to the person next to you and ask where else is good around here none of those things feel weird when it's your first time in a neighborhood in that coffee shop or when you're a tourist. But when you've been to that coffee shop a hundred times, all of a sudden it's like, I don't want to embarrass myself in my home. Like, this is my, this is my coffee shop. I don't want to do anything embarrassing. You know, so, and that happens in a city. It's like all of a sudden we become too cool to be

vulnerable. The tourists don't do that. Why do tourists have the best time? Because tourists, they go, you know, especially young tourists, they go and stay in a hostel and they talk to everybody because they're like, I'm only here for three days. I'm having fun. Yeah. There is no, I'm not, I'm not settling for three days in this place that I'm probably never coming back to and not having fun. I've paid my money. I, I am here. I've traveled the distance. I need to have an adventure here. So then we start talking to people and guess what? We engineer an adventure. We engineer a new friend for three days. We engineer a romance. And we're like, I haven't found a partner in five years back home.

And all of a sudden, I found someone on holiday. Why is that? It's because you adopted a holiday persona when you were on vacation. But you know what? Yes, you're so, so right. I agree with all of that. And that's so true. But it's so, it's easier to do it when you are transient somewhere.

Because I think also you don't, you have the excuse and the kind of like, you know, the story to hide behind of like, I'm only in town for three days. Therefore, I don't look desperate for speaking to you. I'm just speaking to everybody. Whereas if you live here, it's like, I live here and I'm speaking to you, therefore you must think I like you,

which instantly makes you feel more nervous. It's only something in our head. I know. But it's true. Like, here's a really interesting thing. Watch the owner of a restaurant when they're walking around a restaurant. No one knows they're the owner.

right in a local restaurant who the hell knows that that guy over there owns the place no one but that person walks over and says how's your night and you're like good thanks and you start talking to them right for all you know you're talking to a complete stranger yeah oh my god they fancy me but they but this person walks over like they own the place and asks you how's your evening going are you having a nice time and and they didn't say hi i own the place they just started talking to you like they owned the place it it's a story you don't you you can have that story in your head that i'm going to be someone who starts making the most of my city again i'm going to treat this like i'm new in town okay advice because i know we have to move on advice for people who live in a small city

acknowledge that you're not going to have as many options but you're probably not making the most of the options that are in your town or your city? Like, are you really being brave and courageous in talking to people when you go places, whether it's your coffee shop, whether it's the local bookshop, whether it's, you know, joining clubs and being, like, you don't know everyone. And yes, it's harder, but that only speaks to the fact that you have to be more proactive. You're not going to bump into people on every street corner. So you're going to have to engineer. social groups you're going to have to engineer community and you're going to have to build your tribe more consciously of people who like what you like and value what you value because you're

just not going to have as many so you're going to have to build out that tribe i think that's so true and i think i think as well set your on dating app set your preferences and your radius to a wider radius and even if you can catch a big city that's like an hour away from your city so long as you're comfortable commuting you know and you're not able to not not able to leave where you live definitely um that's also a hack yeah sacrifice convenience for for options you you have to be willing to do that if you're in new york you only need to go a square mile if you live you know upstate in a place where there's just a lot less people then you might have to set it so that you include a lot more people and be willing to drive an hour for a date it's not it's not the end of the

world um and you are giving yourself more options Okay, I want to move on. We can talk more about this later. If there's anything you want us to touch on more, podcast at Matthewhussie.com, let us know. We had an email in from someone, in fact, two different people who had a couple of thoughts on the episode that we did on money in relationships.

What was that episode called, David? It's what's behind the male fear that women only care about money. Right. So this was the episode, what's behind the male fear that women only care about money. Stephen, why don't you read that email that you saw? Yeah, so we had an excellent email from Page, which I thought was so thoughtful and interesting.

And she said, Hi, Matthew and Team, long-time listener, first time writing in. I wanted to respond to recent pods bringing up the idea of gender dynamics, in particular having to do with money. I'm a bit upset to hear this theme repeated over several podcasts, as it feels like it's validating the rhetoric of the far-right manosphere. If I may, I'd like to share my observation,

as a 37-year-old female who is single and living in Texas. My single friends and I are all homeowners and are financially independent. We invest, we give charitably, we take care of our homes and are generous with our loved ones. None of us need a man who earns more than us or particularly care how much a man earns, so our money concerns are different. We're looking for equals with similar values. However, we often encounter men who don't know how to cook and spend a lot on eating out. She calls them Chipotle Boys, there's an article on it.

they don't invest as well as we do brackets women are better investors there's another article on that I'm guessing men take more maybe crazy risks in investing the women do they're not as generous and charitable giving as we are spend way more on hobbies and frivolous spending

and are flirting with a sports betting addiction and she says links to all of these we are scared of ending up with men who don't contribute domestically despite how much or how little they earn women who earn more still do more at the home women take on the mental load for the home and anecdotally women seek out therapy more i know there is so much more nuance to add to this conversation questions of pay parity societal expectations generation differences and more but for what it's worth

i've noticed my friends and i no longer say we're looking for a boyfriend or a husband but rather a partner i think the change in vocabulary is reflecting what we and the majority of women want I hope this is helpful and I'd love to hear a more balanced side of this conversation from the podcast in the future. Thanks, Paige. It's a really great email. I love that email. And Paige, I hope we, it sounds like we have created the impression that we're reinforcing those stereotypes that exist in the manosphere. But the truth is, I think we always try to go out of our way to say the opposite, that these are the things that people constantly assert are important to women and that this just doesn't resonate empirically with women we know women we coach um of course

there are there are some that fit the stereotype just as there are some men that fit the stereotype but yeah i certainly one thing that we've prided ourselves on over the years is not just reinforcing gender stereotypes about gender differences and um you know certainly would be sad to to think we've failed in that um i i agree with what you've said the i idea of finding a partner. In fact, there was another email that came in from Dana on the same episode who said, Hi, team, really enjoyed your latest podcast. Great to see you diving into complex topics. On the money debate, I agree that financial goals and lifestyle expectations play a huge role in dating and maybe, unfortunately, in how people filter or choose potential

partners. You discussed how disparities in income or wealth can cause tension, but I think it's worth pointing out that even couples with comparable means, and this page is where Dana, I think, would really agree with your point, often run into serious issues if their financial values or goals don't align. I've seen relationships where both partners earn similar salaries, but one wants to aggressively save for a home while the other prioritizes travel or eating out. Or one wants to stay in a high-cost city while the other would rather relocate to save. Those mismatches in priorities can create just as much strain as income gaps, if not more. Thanks for everything, Dana.

That is a wonderful, wonderful point because that is one of the things that, you know, people miss that one of the ways we show our values is through how we spend our money, through the lifestyle that we aspire to. What do we prioritize in life? Or how we waste money. Or how we waste money or whether we even see that as waste. versus the other person who does, you know, and the hyper focus on income disparity or wealth disparity actually does take away from focus on that idea that we might just have different

values around money in general. And that can be just as much a source of incompatibility as having very different amounts of money. And of course, if we have similar values around money, but we have big differences when it comes to how much money we have our values around money being the same might actually be the thing that makes us compatible in spite of those differences so i'm i'm really i i don't want to take too much time adding to these points but for dana and page thank you for highlighting that because i think it's really really important and i hope that for for men listening especially anyone who has the insecurity that you know I'm going to be overlooked because I don't earn enough I you know I'm not going to be as worthy I'm not going to be seen as attractive that actually

there are many women out there who are looking for someone with the same values when it comes to money and compatibility in that area and that that's actually more important than having someone who earns the same or more than they do I think so those are really wonderful points and very well made. We have a Love Lifeline here. Who is it today, David? We have got Janelle. Janelle. Hi, y'all. I'm hoping to bounce off a question. From you guys, get your opinions, all three of you, if you could. I am wondering about dating at 53, and it's not so much dating at 53. I'm proud of my age. I don't have a problem with my age. it just men do it seems like men do um not necessarily like when we talk or whatever i seem

to get interest what have you but then i find out that um they have or are seeing a woman that's younger than my daughter do you know what i mean i just have such a problem with that so this i mean none of them have been in everything's been a no go but for me that's a major red flag is somebody who even dated at one time somebody in their 20s and they're almost 50 or 50 and I just have an issue with that and it makes me I think it's gross but I'm just wondering how you guys feel about that I mean like am I being too judgmental am I throwing up the red flag too soon I'm I'm just kind of trying to get your opinion about that and maybe how men think about this or or even another woman's opinion i'd appreciate it

thank you well great question yeah interesting i it's so interesting janelle i actually i completely understand the instinct to feel that way and i i'm in agreement with you to an extent i think there's a big difference here that we need to look at which is you you you're Is the person in question, do they have a pattern of dating somebody who's like 10, 20, 30 years younger than them? Because if it's a pattern, then yeah, it's kind of creepy. Like, I think I kind of agree with that. And that's just my opinion. But I do think it's a little bit strange.

Like, why are you not going for women on your level? You know, even from a maturity standpoint, like, I think it's just a strange thing to gravitate only towards that. But if somebody, you know, dated one or maybe two with like a major age gap and they also, you know, within their kind of past relationships, there's people who are more age appropriate. I think that's less of an issue because I think when you're dating, you're trying different things. And, you know, it might be that that was just more of a sexual and more of an attraction based relationship where, or, you know, even something where I think a lot of older men and you guys can maybe speak to this, but they sometimes obviously older men. men can feel, they feel their age, kind of weighing heavily on them and actually dating a younger woman makes them feel younger, which makes them feel good about themselves, which is also where kind of the, the drawer of that comes in.

Which, to be fair, we hear from women, too, who are in their 50s and are like, I'm really enjoying dating younger men. Exactly. I suppose the question I would put to you, Audrey, is do you, do you? think Janelle has a point when she talks about the size of the age gap so you know if she's like I just really find it hard to respect someone and not find it gross when it's literally someone in their 20s and they're in their 50s do you think that there's a point to be made about that as opposed to he's in his 50s and he's you know the last person he dated was 35 or do you

think that that's your argument still applies i think for me my argument still applies i agree with you so i i really want to say that one more time i really agree with you and i understand the being grossed out by the thing i'm i would feel the same way but i don't think we should write people off just because of one person they dated i think if people were to look at any of our past and see maybe one or two of our exes they'd be like oh dear god how could you have ever been attracted to this person they're awful you know and I think that we're all guilty of having dated people that are not the best people for us in our lives and I think that I think that we have to give each other grace so for me it wouldn't necessarily be like this giant red flag and like no go but

obviously if it's in any way a pattern or if they talk about it in a way where they're not like yeah I actually this is a little bit like embarrassing but I actually like I don't know I came out of my divorce and ended up in this kind of semi-relationship with this woman, but she was like, you know, 28 or whatever. And obviously it didn't last because, la-la, la. Then that's a different thing, whereas if they're like, yeah, my ex was 28 and there's nothing wrong with that. Like, I don't think writing people off for one thing is necessarily the way to go. But I do think it's something to look out for and see if it kind of builds a pattern and a kind of a profile of that person. Does it make sense? It makes total sense and I think that idea of pattern at being the

thing to look for is really, really important. I think that everyone is capable of falling for someone who's in a very different age group and I really believe how they speak about that is important and I don't think that they have to share it as an embarrassing fact necessarily, but certainly how they speak about why maybe that didn't work out is relevant information. You know, if someone says, if someone's 53 and they dated someone in their 20s and they were like, look, I, you know, I was attracted to this person. It, you know, it was really fun. we had a great connection but ultimately you know it was something that really made me realize you know you you don't you know when you're with someone and you've learned a lot of life lessons

they haven't and you're in a very different place in your life it just you know at a certain point you're not going to have that level of you know deep compatibility that you have with someone who you feel like really understands you and that's something that's you know i met relationship or you know was albeit and you know a enjoyable experience and like it just made me realize it's really important for me to have someone that i feel truly compatible with in every way it's also really important that they haven't got a child that's around the same age as the person they dated I actually agree with Janelle if like you date a person and then like they've gone out with someone who's like you know same age or a couple of years older younger as their kid that would

freak me out because it'd be like why would you be attracted to someone who's the same age as your child which is which is why I kind of but again we're talking about like the rarities here right there's not a lot of 50 year old men and even as I'm saying it I'm like that's a really big age gap And I know someone who's married to, I think she's 28 and her partner's in his 50s and I'm married. He hasn't got kids. I, yeah. Listen, every individual has to decide what it is they value. And when someone is dating someone who is from a very different generation,

they're in a way you are making a certain statement about what you value um okay maybe you're dating the wisest 28 year old in the world but probably not you know and it's i when you date younger people there is a sense of like people can seem like they're an old head on young shoulders but in reality a lot of that is kind of an act a lot of that is a kind of superficial maturity it's not the deep kind of maturity that comes from having lived and been through things and you know you've not got someone who understands your references who understands what it's like to get punched in the face in your 30s and 40s and like it so it I don't know I I I agree with you I really agree I I agree with you and Janelle that it's i think it's okay to find it off-putting i think it's okay to decide

this person's probably not for me because if they're dating someone that much younger we don't have the same values in terms of what we value in a relationship um but i do think it's entirely possible that people make these sort of human very human diversions that lead them back to a place where they become very acutely aware of what's important to them. And some people, men and women do get divorced and they swing that pendulum for a moment because they're like, I want to try dating like, you know, a younger person. Yeah, it's fun or it's a novelty or whatever. And it's like I don't think we should, I think we have to be careful to condemn people's

character or their, you know, I just label them with an identity. because of a relationship they've had within reason, obviously. But I do think that you have to pay attention to the way they speak about what they value now. What did it teach them? Did it teach them anything? Or, you know, is it just like, clearly that's just a thing and they thought it was awesome

and they'd do it again in the heartbeat? And like, those are the... Those are the parts I would listen to. How has someone been shaped by their experiences? Is as important, maybe more important than what their experiences actually are or have been. So hopefully that helps, Janelle. Let us know. Feel free to write back and let us know if that shed any light on this subject for you.

And thank you for leaving your question. I know a lot of people will have benefited from it. If you want to leave us your question, podcast at Matthewussy.com, leave us a voice note around 30 seconds. not too long or we won't be able to play it but we love hearing from you and we love answering your questions in real time we never listened to them before the show the show is always david has listened to them but whenever we hear them it's the first time we've heard them so it's really fun to answer those questions on the fly it is that time again

No, it doesn't work if I say Stevens. No, Steve's. My name. Sleeves. Sleeves. Don't be bereaved. You know that we can live without another episode of Steve's sleeves. It's five o'clock.

Welcome to Steve Sleeves. So, today we are going to play Love Maps. Okay. We talked about cities where you date. I want to give you a few different. You're going to give me the city, and I'm going to give you the phrase. Like, the city you would go to for blank. And I want you guys to give me the answer.

So we give you the city? Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. The city you'd go to after. a breakup. Well, if you watch any TV shows on Netflix right now, it's always Paris. You go after a breakup. It's always Paris. If you have a hard breakup, you get yourself an outfit

and you just move to Paris. Pop a little beret on. Yeah. Matt watch. And take about 60 days to speak fluent French. I was watching the summer I term pretty season three. It's unreal how quickly she's fluent. It makes no sense. Matt was like, oh, this show sucks. Why are you watching this? And then within like half an episode, he was like next to me just watching it. She's been there. She's been there five minutes and she's standing on a roof and she's like, this is my town. And she speaks every word in front. Maybe she did do a lingo. Do you walk pensively around the Champs de Lis? Yeah, do you go. So, well, You have a little bag with a bag.

Chancesizier. I'm only correcting you, by the way, because in the previous episode... And I like to be good on my pronunciation. But in the previous episode, I didn't know what a word was. I pronounced it wrong or something. And people were like, are you even French? Or are you pretending to be French? You were very mad at me because I didn't remember a word.

I left France when I was nine guys, so... You speak fluent French. I do, but I don't remember every word because I left France when I was nine. Now, that's the voice. someone who actually speaks a language humility where unlike belly from from the summer i term pretty anyway okay i think so you wander along the sen yeah philosophical but get in your bag you know going on on your way to meet your new found european friends okay um french boyfriend the city where you'd go to fall for the wrong person paris

no um i or you go for a bit of danger whatever anyone we say though we're going to offend people i just meant you're going to go for a bit of a like i'm just going to like Vegas i guess like yeah Vegas might be where you go for the wrong Vegas Vegas or Miami who's coming out is a party city Miami might be where you go for like a fling

yeah what's the what's the city that people go too for like drug tourism um um you can there's like weed cafes oh like Amsterdam oh did you say Amsterdam yeah I feel like Amsterdam's a fun city yeah you you go for a good time yeah well there you go where you go to meet someone completely different from your usual type Berlin probably oh okay yeah probably like a rave kind of a bit more grungy indie type yeah sort of thing get your bondage rebound What? Hello?

I think Berlin is all about like the... All about Bond. Everyone in Berlin. The club scene in Berlin has a lot of like kind of, you know, leathery. What if you're already into bondage, then that's not... If you're already into bondage, then get yourself to Sedona. Las Alivas.

Las Alivas. Yeah. Just find a nice wine enthusiast. Yeah. This is a good Steve's sleeves. I like it. Strong. It's taking us in all sorts of directions.

Keep it serious, Steve. Keep it serious. You're formal. The city you'd go to, the city you'd go to for a fantasy meet cute. Like, what's a fantasy? Paris. No, you can't have Paris.

A Paris can't have all of them. Milan? Paris. A fantasy meet cute. Yeah, but you can't have Paris again. Why? Can't send Paris people to Paris for every occasion. I think you do like Washington.

New York's pretty good. Like somewhere that, it rains like Washington State yeah like like Seattle Seattle it's rainy you're coming you're steaming a little bit yeah I don't know why there's steve but yeah yeah it's sort of hot right yeah it's a hot rain in a coffee shop she's like you're steaming and you're like I don't know what's happening it's so humid outside I'm sorry yeah what in Miami that more to me feels like yeah like an Asian city you could get into a cozy place you can come out from a rain, it's quite tropical outside, and it's like, you meet someone.

Yeah, but then you don't speak the same language. They might speak English. Well, you only need to be there for five minutes. You go to Japan for two weeks. You learn fluent Japanese. And then you stand outside the closest is Akaya. Actually, one of those lists said Beijing and Mumbai were great cities to dates. I have no idea about, but if anyone from Beijing and Mumbai is listening, tell us why they're great to date it.

I'd like to hear. Well, everyone, thanks for playing Steve Sleeves. Well, thanks for listening, everyone. It's been another wonderful time with all of you. And we can't wait to do it all again with you in the next episode of Love Life. Thank you, Audrey. Thank you, Stephen. Thank you, David.

Thank you, Harrison. Thanks, everybody. Thanks, everyone. Bye. You know, I'm going to be able to