Love Life with Matthew Hussey - The Biggest Fears in Dating (and How to Overcome Them) | Rewind

Episode Date: November 7, 2025

Why do we get so in our heads when we start dating someone new? In this episode, we dive deep into the most common fears people face in early dating — from getting too invested too soon, to navigating intimacy and exclusivity when someone’s seeing multiple people.With over 1,300 comments from listeners sharing their biggest dating anxieties, we unpack the most relatable ones and offer real, practical ways to reframe them. You’ll hear us talk about:What it really means when someone wants intimacy but avoids emotional connectionHow to slow down without feeling like you’re “falling behind”Why obsession isn’t chemistry — and how to trust yourself more in the processThe mindset shift that turns “what if I get hurt?” into “what if I stay grounded?”If you’ve ever found yourself overthinking a text, reading too much into mixed signals, or getting attached too fast — this one’s for you.---►► Looking for love, clarity, or a fresh perspective? Matthew’s weekly newsletter dives into insights that transform not just your relationships, but your entire life. Sign up for free at TheThreeRelationships.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

we are talking today about people's fears when dating yeah we actually put something out on social media which was uh read what is your biggest fear in early dating and we had 1,350 comments and people just basically shared with us their biggest fear so we pulled out some of the most kind of reoccurring themes and the most relatable fears in early dating and i intentionally didn't look at these because i was like i'm i'm gonna wait and do this live on the show what percentage of these fears were spiders i would have put that one i would have put that too in early dating well imagine you're dating someone spider in the kitchen and and they need you to take it outside right they're equally if you imagine if you're dating someone's equally

afraid of spiders oh it's worse it's worse she's not afraid of spiders but you're terrified That's us, isn't it? It's probably me and Audrey's relationship, actually. Did anyone put the concept of infinity? Also, also scary, if you think about it. I think people are more concerned with things ending in dating, Steve, than they are worried about infinity. What I was thinking that we could do is,

if I read out to you guys some of those fears, and you guys can maybe come up with ways of reframing those fears for people, because I think that will be really, really useful for our listening. you know methods and tools to actually overcome those kinds of fits because they are really common in early dating and the same stuff did come up over and over again so you guys ready let's do it number one somebody wrote that they are at the stage of dating multiple women so this is interesting right because people have different standards when it comes to you know exclusivity in the beginning and it can be really difficult especially when um you know you

you know, people want to rush into things physically and intimately. We actually had an email the other day from one of our podcast listeners who said that she's been dating someone and they're pushing them to have sex, but they won't hold their hand in the street. And she finds that really bizarre. And there was something in that that I thought was interesting. You know, what she's bringing up is this idea of, you know, if they are dating multiple people and they're being intimate with multiple people, I might get hurt because that might not be my

standard. So how do you sort of juggle that? Well, you don't, you don't feel the need to move as fast as anyone else they're dating. I think that's a big key. It's like you can be okay. I don't, fine. If you don't want to hold hands, that's okay. But I'm not going to then do all of this other stuff behind closed doors. And don't make me feel like the weird one. Because it is a nice frame that that she put it and that you just reiterated with the hand holding where it's like, why is it weird that I would want to hold hands and it's not weird that you would like to have sex? Like that's so inverted. Yeah. And it's a, and by the way, it should be a kind of, that should be a bit of a red flag. I'm not saying it should be a,

a note against someone's, a mark against someone's character, but it should be a red flag in terms of the way this person is treating dating. Because if they're more ready to jump into bed with you than they are hold their hand hold your hand this is a person who's not necessarily open to connection this is a person who's not open to a kind of a much more genuine form of intimacy they're just trying to you know have their cookie they're not trying to actually build anything with you or they're not trying to see where this could go so i think you should see it as a red flag i think it's worth not being afraid of but it's worth if someone's in that place slow them down to the point that they're asking you to slow down

to if they're like i don't want to hold hands then that's fine but let's slow everything down to that point then don't i don't want to make out with you don't speed up don't speed up to the to the level that of the other people you think they're dating because you won't that's not a race that's worth winning it doesn't lead you to where you want to go and it won't suddenly make them go oh my god you're so much better than the other people i'm sleeping with because you slept with me twice as fast that's not going to help you you want to put it as it's a race to the bottom which i thought was a very euphemistic phrase smarty what about this one somebody else wrote that what they're afraid of in adi dating is getting too invested too quickly probably the most related

thing I've ever read in my life. Don't we all feel that? What do you think? I think I reframe, you know, it's like if you're in that stage where you're texting someone you like and you end up in the position of waiting by the phone for their next text.

I think if that happens, something in your framing of what this person does for you has gone wrong because you don't know this person very well and you're kind of now reliant on for your validation and something has gone really strange if that's happening. So I try and clear the decks in those moments and you just got to be like everything that this person invests or everything they prove to me that they're great is upside. And if they don't, then nothing's changed.

Like it's the same as before I met them. It's the same as after I met them. So if they keep proving to me that they're a great person, I text them, I'm going to be enthusiastic and positive. And if they don't, I'm like, okay, cool. Like, nothing lost. I'm still going to keep up all the things that were important to me before I knew this person existed. I'm going to keep being out there, have great friends, have great adventures, have a great life.

And if they're on board for that, amazing. That's cool. But I'm not going to now suddenly change my whole frame of what's important to me and what determines my happiness based on whether this person decides I'm important or not, important enough to text back very good anything else to add yeah i think the the i'm afraid i'll get obsessed too quickly is a is a kind of it's almost a a way of abdicating responsibility as if to say the power is outside of me someone can come along and do this to me

and I will be out of control at that point. So the way, you have to turn, I'm afraid I'll become too obsessed with, you have to change that to, I currently don't feel I can trust myself. And then you have to say, well, why don't I trust myself? What do I do when I decide I like someone that is counterproductive that hurts me that hurts my confidence that takes over my life

and then start to actually look at those behaviors where are they coming from why am i doing this and what can i do differently next time i decide i like someone and while i'm in the process what's this like based on the ways that i've decided i like someone to the point of using that word obsession what is that based on and and can i with any real credibility say that these reasons are of valid reasons to be obsessed with someone and and i think that One of the things that can help people is just to look at it as there's no, there should be no amount of things a person could do in 24 hours or one week that makes your entire mind up about them.

Especially to the point of obsession, which is a kind of not a good word in any context, really. that you know obsession doesn't describe healthy love so obsession shouldn't be the goal but in the first couple of weeks there should really be nothing someone could do that would make you make your mind up about how great they'll be as a partner in five years yeah those things can only be revealed with time you can have the greatest time on earth on vacation with like a friend you just met on vacation and you're just everyone's had that moment where they come back from a vacation and there was just someone they met by the pool and they're just like well they were the best

but you don't know who that person is in their actual life you don't know what kind of a friend that person would be you just know you had fun with them and that's a very different thing the importance that someone takes on in your life should be predicated not on how much of a great time did I have with them but which is by the way yes that's a prerequisite that I have a great time when I'm with them but much much more than that we you know in business you the reason you do bigger and bigger deals with someone in business is because you tried something with them you learned that they were an authentic sincere person you learned they had integrity you learned when they said they would email you they did you learned that when they said they would pay you they

paid you you you learn these things that make you go oh that that's built credits in the bank in this relationship that make it worth exploring what else we might do together but you don't just do the biggest deal of your life with someone because they were really charismatic on your first meeting and they really impressed you with how smart they are because you don't really know a lot else about them and you don't know how great of a partner they would be that's how you get scammed by the way that's how scams work is i try to front load all of this trust that is not based on any kind of long-term engagement so that i can get more value from you than i'm ever going to give you so be careful with that obsession in the beginning it's based on

something that's a gross overvaluation of early qualities you've seen i would add to that as well don't overvalue them and actually recognize that you know the reason you are obsessed with that person is because of what they represent to you in your head the story you've built around them and the way that you hope that meeting them will somehow save you from a reality that you're existing in whether it's i don't want to be on my own i really want to meet someone i really want a family don't let all of that and all of that hope and all of that desire just fall on the shoulders of somebody who as you say you barely know because that gives them way more power than they deserve. Fantastic point.

My maxim on this is people overvalue attributes and undervalue behavior. People look at attributes, height, job, looks, charisma, all the rest, like a top Trump's card, and they undervalue everything the person's actually doing. I want to add to that because I think that's great, but I almost want to say they overvalue attributes and they also overvalue early behavior. Well, they overvalue behavior that doesn't have to do with them. What I want to say to this is don't obsess about the person. If you're going to obsess about anything,

obsess about the relationship you actually have with that person. How they are with you in relation to you. Like, see how ridiculous that is. Like, if you really have a great relationship with somebody, then like, okay, allow yourself to be like, I'm obsessed with what we built together. I'm obsessed with the chemistry we have. even. I'm obsessed with us. But if you're like sitting there just obsessing about the person,

then that can just be a one way straight. Yeah. So it's literally just an objectification of that person. It's not an assessment of the relationship you have with them. And so what Steve is saying, I think is like behaviors, but it's like, yeah, behaviors with you. You know, like how, what kind of, what kind of value does, do they actually add to your life? And look, I'm, I'm, I don't, I'm, I don't want to say, I hate saying this in a way because it sounds I'm romantic and it sounds like I'm sucking all of the life out of anything good in early dating. I'm not. I'm just tempering enthusiasm a little bit because I would say even their behavior in relation to you is something that has to play out over time and you don't know, just all you have to say to yourself is

I don't know who they'll be in week 52. I only know how they're treating me today or what they say they want today. And that's okay. I don't have to be cynical about it. But I also shouldn't suddenly make these huge bets right now. All I'm really doing is betting another week or another month and seeing what happens there. Instead of deciding what the value of this thing will be in a year, which is complete science fiction. And the obsession is often that we're already valuing what this will be in a year or in five

years or in 10 years. And we're obsessed with what that could be. But where there's no sense of presence about what it actually is right now. So instead of getting carried away, you just have to say to yourself, see what happens. See what happens. See how it goes. Let's see. But it's true.

It's been really fun. It's been really fun so far. I'm excited to see you today. Let's see what happens. Yeah. It's super common though. And I think, yeah, I think great, great one to write in. And it came up in various different forms. But it's a real practice, isn't it, to just sort of develop self-awareness and realize, why am I obsessing? Why am I feeling this way? And this is really worth it. I think it's really relatable. I felt reading it. It's, by the way, it's so easy to talk about from the outside and so hard when it's happening to you. And that's the, you know, know i i don't say any of this to pretend that it's easy i say all of this because you need to if you're in this space you need to hear this from somebody else who's not drunk if you're drunk

you need to hear from something you don't want another drunk person helping you make the decision yeah you you need a sober person helping you make the decision right now and i i want to make this last point the thing that helps me the most anytime i'm over overvaluing something in my life and it can happen easily in business is you get an opportunity and it's something that feels sexy and it feels exciting and immediately you're like oh my god I really want this thing to happen you go from you didn't even get this email until this morning like yesterday it wasn't even a thing that you were thinking about and now you've got the email and is on your radar and you're suddenly confronted with the possibility that this amazing thing is

going to happen. And then all of a sudden you find yourself spending all day thinking about it when you didn't know it existed yesterday as an opportunity. I make a practice of reminding myself that this is one of many things that are really great in my life. And by the way, this isn't even one of the great things in my life. This is a possibility. The things that I actually really value, the writing that I'm doing, the team that I have, the podcast that I love doing, the YouTube videos, the following we have. Those things are real. That's actually great. This is just possibly great. These other things are actually great. So they're worth 10 times more right now than this thing that feels really exciting. So don't let something that's not actually great

dominate and monopolize your attention away from things in your life that are actually great. Thank you so much for listening to the episode. I hope you enjoyed it. Before you go, make sure that you do this today. I promise you every week you are missing out by not doing what I'm about to say. I am sending a private email to a group of people who have registered for it every single Friday. The email is called the three relationships and every email is packed with advice on how you can improve one of the three relationships that I believe determine the quality of your life. Your relationship with other people, your relationship with yourself and your relationship with life itself.

It's a super valuable email. People really look forward to it. This is not the kind of email that you don't open. It's the kind of email you can't wait to see in your inbox every Friday. go over to the three relationships.com to sign up for that email for free and I will see you in your inbox this Friday. Thanks for listening everyone. I'll see you in the next episode. Be well and love life. Thank you.