Love Life with Matthew Hussey - Warning: This is What Happens When You’re “Too Nice”

Episode Date: January 4, 2016

You may think that bending over backwards to be easygoing, accommodating, and understanding with a man makes you more likeable.  But does it make him respect you?  Not a chance.  If you’re used to giving and giving and giving in relationships and not getting what you need in return, today’s LOVE Life is for you.  I’m going to teach you how to undo years of people-pleasing behavior so you can uphold your standards, which will lead to the respect and love you so deserve.

I'm Matthew Hussey. Welcome to Love Life, which is now, by popular demand, a podcast on iTunes. I couldn't be more excited to deliver on something that women in my community have been asking for for years, and to reach a whole new audience of women who want to live their best lives, whether that means an amazing relationship, a satisfying social life, the career of their dreams, or all of these things and more. Now, before I give you some helpful advice you can use right now, I need to ask you a favor. Under my podcast picture on iTunes, I want you to hit the subscribe button. This will make sure that you and I stay connected and that you'll get each new show as soon as it's released. Did you click subscribe? Great. Let's start the show. We have been getting a lot

of questions here at Love Life, people wanting to ask their personal issues. So we have one on the line right now. Hello? Hi. Hi. Who's this? Sorry, I just stepped outside. This is Raquel. Who's this? Matthew Hussey. Oh, hi. How are you doing? I'm great. I'm great.

How are you doing? I'm doing good. I'm doing good. I do have a question for you. Tell me. Okay. So I've been talking to this guy for a couple months, and we go out all the time, like movies, bowling, talking on the phone, dinner, everything, except he's never actually called it a date, nor does he call me his girlfriend.

But I know that he's into me. I know it because he's told friends. I know that he's into me, but I don't have that commitment. So basically my question for you is how do I let him know that I want a commitment without seeming too pushy? So you said he doesn't call them dates. How does he go about them? What would you describe his style and attitude as? Okay, so he'll say, hey, want to go to dinner this place?

Or, hey, let's go see a movie tonight. And he does work a lot, too. I should say that. So he does work a lot too i should say that so he does have a really busy schedule so i understand if he can't like pick me up all the time or um you know he's like really really busy so when he does make time i know it's um so i know he doesn't just do that for everyone so you'll go on dinner dates movie dates that he doesn't call dates but he'll how much notice does he give you when he's doing these things? Usually like the day of.

The day of? Because of his work schedule, yeah. Okay, so he tends to. By the way, I want you to notice something, Raquel. If he's telling you the day of, what your brain is doing, because your brain is trying to find more ways that this is right, not more ways that this is doing, because your brain is trying to find more ways that this is right, not more ways that this is wrong. Your brain is justifying it and creating reasonable excuses for him.

But you also know somewhere deep inside that there are, if he was really committed to making you happy, he would figure out a way. Now, that's not because he doesn't like you. That's not because he's not attracted to you, but there is a difference between liking someone and respecting someone. They're not always the same thing. So right now, what you've, what you've, the situation that you've created and you've allowed has allowed him to put you there in the hierarchy of the things in his life wow does that make sense yeah it's crazy because i'm noticing i think that's actually a pattern in my with past relationships too i give and give

and give to all of my relationships and i know know that, you know, my friends and even people I've been with in the past, they really liked me and stuff too. But it's that respect level isn't there because I don't create an atmosphere where that's necessary. And I never really realized it until you just said all of that. And so I'm noticing it's a pattern and it's tiring me out, to be honest. Now, let me just reframe it for you. Let me put it another way. In your life, with the people around you, who are the people you feel more drawn to?

Are they the people that bend over backwards to please you, or are they the ones that you admire because of the standards they have in their life? Wow. The ones that I admire because of the standards they have in their life. Wow. The ones I admire because of the standards they have. If someone bends over backwards to please me, I don't really know if I have anyone in my life like that. How do you feel about those people? Be honest.

Use whatever words. No matter how offensive it is, what word do you use for those people? How do you feel about them? They're pushovers. I can do whatever I want. They're still going to be there. Yeah pushovers i can do whatever i want and they're right yeah they're still gonna be there yeah and it's exactly you can do whatever you want and they're still gonna be there and for that reason it gets kind of gross right it's like yeah just get away from

me you're driving me crazy yeah with with the other people that respect themselves and have standards they're the ones that you admire because you want to be more like them. Wow. Yeah. Firstly, it's on some level that's worked for you in the past. You know that being nice in that way has worked for you. So you'll, you'll have got some friends out of it. You'll get people that say lovely things about you. When you hear those types of things, it validates you being that way even more. But you also do that because you're afraid that if you were to stand up for yourself more, you would lose people in your life. Yeah. They wouldn't be there. If you stood up to this guy and actually made clear what it was you wanted, you'd be afraid that he wouldn't be there next week. Yeah.

So it really comes from a fear of loss. What if I lose this person because I uphold my standards? In other words, you uphold your standards when it feels convenient for your emotions. You stick up for yourself when it feels like it can't go wrong, but when it feels like it could go wrong and sticking up for yourself would mean losing somebody, you definitely make sure you don't do that. That is so crazy. Yes. A hundred percent. Yes. So how do I change that though? Cause I, so, I mean, it's been, I've been like that forever,

you know, as long as, well, the first way to change it is emotionally. In other words, changing the entire way that you see yourself yourself but there's also a logical way to change this and the logical way to change it is for you to know when there are people who do this to you and play nice all the time you actually end up pushing those people away because they're either boring or they're unattractive and you don't respect them and the people that the people that actually uphold their standards around you are the ones that you chase more. That's incredible. I'm like, I'm going to have to process all of this.

It's crazy. It's a lot, right? Because it's undoing years of conditioning. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you so much for your time as well. I appreciate it. You're so welcome, Raquel. Thank you so much for calling in.

I appreciate your bravery in being honest about the issues. Thank you. I appreciate you. All right. Take care. Bye bye. Massive thank you to Raquel there. That was amazing. And thank you so much for listening. I think this is these call-ins are amazing. This is we should have been doing this years ago. These are so much fun and so insightful. And I really hope that you out there listening are getting the same insights for yourself. Because, of course, I'm not just talking to Raquel. I'm talking to everyone out there listening who feels that they don't uphold their standards.

And for any of you who ever want to come and join me on one of my programs, you can go to my site to find them out. My site is howtogettheguide.com. You can see all the dates for our programs there. And also follow me on Facebook. There is this new website called Facebook that everyone is just really addicted to right now. It's so popular. You can come join me there. I'm at facebook.com forward slash coach Matthew Hussey. Stay up to date with everything we're doing, guys, all the new videos and articles and this new information. Take care, my friends.

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