Love Life with Matthew Hussey - What If You Never Find Love? | Rewind

Episode Date: October 9, 2026

What if you never find the love you've always wanted?It's a fear many people carry, especially when they've spent years dating, watching other people find relationships, and wondering when it will finally be their turn.But how do you make peace with the possibility that something you want so deeply might never happen, without giving up hope of finding it?In this episode, we respond to a listener who, at 51, is confronting that very question. We talk about the danger of measuring your life against someone else's, how focusing on the worst-case scenario can rob you of the possibilities still ahead, and why there's more than one way to experience a deeply loving and meaningful life.We also explore how our expectations of what love should look like can sometimes prevent us from recognizing the connections right in front of us.Because you may not be able to guarantee the love story you've imagined. But that doesn't mean you can't have an extraordinary life, or that your best chapters aren't still ahead of you.►► Ready to Build a Life You Love, Whether You're Single or in a Relationship? Join Me for My Retreat, October 24–25. Virtual Tickets Available: MHRetreat.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Matt, there's a woman here named Cheryl who brings up a topic that she says we've never addressed, and she says in an email, you always create hope and optimism. But you've never addressed the distinct possibility that we may go to our graves without ever having found a lasting, loving relationship. I am 51. Divorced after 20 years to someone I never loved, not even at our wedding. I've dated steadily since, with an open heart, lots to give. and great communication skills. I won't stop trying,

but I have to also hold the notion that I may possibly die without ever having had a lasting, loving relationship. And that's from Cheryl. That's heavy. I always think of Gandalf's words. When he says to Frodo in the minds of Moria

and... Just love how seriously you're building up to this. Frodo says to Gandalf, I wish none of this had ever happened. Gandalf says, so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to do is to decide what to do with the time that is given to us. And that line for me, it just, it is the answer to this question. that anyone who suffers grief,

anyone who suffers tragedy, anyone who suffers serious loneliness or despair or pain will have gone through a moment where they say, I wish this hadn't happened to me, or I wish life was different. And that's understandable.

But it's not, our job to reorganize the universe that we're in. It's our job to make the most of the time we have and the possibilities that we have. Cheryl, no one knows for sure whether you will find the kind of love that you are looking for. The only thing you can resolve to do is to make the most of the time that you have to invite as much possibility into your life as possible, to be courageous and take a few risks along the way, wherever possible, and to then see what unfolds in your life as you do those things. We have to resist the urge, and Audrey has to remind me of this.

sometimes, but we have to resist the urge to catastrophes. Because for the traumatized among us, and for the people that have been through certain things, you will find yourself in life routinely and reflexively looking at the worst possible case scenario. Unless you're doing it in a very meditative, stoic practice way. Well, yeah, to hold it as a possibility is not the same thing as to exist there.

And I think that's their point. And to anxiously ruminate about the worst possible outcome because there's a good chance that the worst possible outcome won't happen. And if you only exist in that outcome, then you're not existing in the full breadth of possibility of what may happen in your life. You're 51. You know, there's a whole lifetime ahead of you.

you know if you live to be a hundred or near a hundred you you're at the halfway point so there's time there's time and there's so much possibility and so seeing where you're catastrophizing is important yes there's the possibility you might die without having had a lasting loving relationship, but by the way, I bet that's not true for every part of your life. I bet there have been some lasting, loving relationships in your life, even if they haven't been romantic. And that counts for something. That's real. That's real. And it's also worth saying to yourself, I always think there are people that I thought were incredible, whose lives at one point or another I might have said to myself, oh, I'd trade with them, who then took their own life and never made it to my age.

And when I think about that, I think, well, it from that looked at from that perspective, every day I get that they didn't is a bonus, because that could have been me. every day I get beyond the day that they were alive is a bonus. So I can complain about what I'm not getting or what I'm not achieving or what's not happening in my life. But I could also just see it all as upside. It's just all bonus. And you're 51.

Like congratulations. You made it further than so many people ever make it. And you didn't, you weren't born in, you know, 1584 and got slaughtered in some horrible war by being sent to the battlefield as a soldier with no choice. You weren't someone who was born in a time where you couldn't even get your most basic needs met, let alone think about finding love. You're you at 51 in 2022 and you have your whole life ahead of you. Everything's a bonus. Everything. everything's a bonus and and look you know it's what happens i think for so many of us is we it's so

easy for us to get caught in the comparison with other people's lives i get it i get it for me i get the worst version of it because i'm in l-a and there's people doing all sorts of crazy shit and achieving lots and people who are doing amazing things and sometimes i hang out with people that are my peers and someone's doing something cool or got a new opportunity or writing a new book or something and there's some part of me that's like oh i'm not doing enough or oh i should be doing that or oh i and and i can go home almost like feeling like man i'm not i'm not really killing it i'm not really doing enough and and i realize what's made me happy is looking at what other people are doing I remember Jonah Hill was

he said his he was asked who his hero was and he said his next door neighbor he said his hero is his next door neighbor because this guy just that he was he was on his porch one day and he saw his neighbor and he said his neighbor's always happy and he asked his neighbor what what are you how do you stay so happy and the guy said to him I don't give a damn what anyone else is doing. Like, I just pay no attention to what everyone else is doing. And there's some real wisdom in that. Because if you just at 51 see it that everything in your life is a bonus from here on out, then how bad can it be? If you go through the rest of your life with unbelievable friendships

and people that you can lean on and people that you can help and people that you can alleviate the suffering of and doing things that give your life meaning and purpose. If you never found that kind of hallmark card version of love, you still would have lived an amazing life. And I get that there's a sadness to what we don't get in life, especially when what we don't get is something that feels deeply important to us. But your life will still have been amazing. And let's, Just remember something. There are a thousand different versions of the thing you think you want. There's a version of your life from now till the day you die where you have three really

meaningful relationships and they're really special. And they added so much to your life by knowing these people and being with these people and loving these people, even if they didn't last. There's a version of your life where you meet the love of your life tomorrow and they die in a car crash six months later. there's every different possibility laid out in front of you right now you're taking the one possibility of which is by the way is only one possibility out of an unbelievable number of possibilities but you're taking the one possibility that you go the rest of your life without meeting someone

that stays with you for the rest of your life and focusing on that and saying if that happens I will have lived to no effect or I will die an unhappy person. I refute that argument. I don't believe that's true. I believe you can live an extraordinary life without that happening. And that's in your mind the worst case scenario. But there's every other possible scenario. And by the way, there's every other possible scenario of love for you. and what it could mean and how you find it and how long it lasts and all of them can be wonderful in their own ways. There's also a scenario where you get diagnosed with a terminal illness tomorrow and you have six months. And then how much are you thinking about the 30 years that you spent

quote, alone and not in love? All of a sudden none of that matters. All of a sudden your dream would just be that you get those 30 years. That would suddenly become the ultimate is that you've got to stay here. So that perspective is really important. The not catastrophizing is really important. Everything is a bonus mindset is really important. And one thing I would start by doing, if I were you,

is I would find some role models that are different to the previous role models. Because you may have had role models along the way that are all married by now and have kids and are doing their own thing and they're doing this, whatever. Find some role models that are not. Find some role models that are happy without that. Find some role models that met the love of their life at 75. Find some role models that took a different path. Because when you find other role models that have lived different paths than the very kind of specific, stereotypical path that you've based your happiness on, you start to realize how many different.

directions and paths happiness lies on. I think there are so many forms of love we can express in our lives. And I think that's what we underappreciate, is how much love we have inside of us and can give in so many myriad ways. And you know that Bhagavad Gita quote? Like, you're not, you're entitled to the labor, but not to the fruits of your labor. And in a way, it's like, you are entitled to love. to like give love, spread it, be a force for love in every way in your life.

And you can't always guarantee what relationships that will or won't lead to, whether they last, what happens. But you have the entitlement to love. That's really good. I would just add one thing here. I want to put the impetus on you for a second, Cheryl, to just be, to just stay really curious about what it is. you're attracted to in people and what you love about people.

Because I do sense with this, you say here, divorced after 20 years to someone I never loved, not even at our wedding. I've dated steadily since with an open heart, lots to give, and great communication skills. It is possible to just take that at face value, but I do worry that it's not fully an open heart. I think that I've met people like this before. And there is a sort of, it's like you were saying about comparison. I used to shoot weddings. And you see the weddings where it's like people are so,

I'd make videos out of these weddings. And you'd make this ridiculously loving montage in the wedding video. And you know that bride takes that wedding video and shows it to all their friends. And all their friends are just comparing themselves. to that bride and that love with that Sam Smith song playing at this crescendo of the first dance or whatever. And it's just impossible to compare.

It's impossible to compare. I'm never going to achieve that fairy tale status of love. And I just worry that people have this idea of what their love life was supposed to be like. And it's, they could have, you know, you could have a date today with someone that they can have a little kindling of magic. but if you're not really curious to like give that kindling a little bit of air and let it grow, it might not be that Sam Smith song at the crescendo of the wedding. It might, you know, it might never be that, especially at the age of a 51.

It might not be that young love or whatever. But if you're curious enough about humans and you just want to love and indulge that experience with this really fascinating creature across. from you, this primate, you might just find something a little bit special. I think that's so beautifully put. And I really feel drawn to what you said about weddings. I love the idea that you, their friends see the video. You saw the wedding day. And a wedding, a wedding is already like a peak moment. But the wedding video is the, it, It's the highlight reel of the highlight real.

Yeah, exactly. And to compare yourself to that, even, I love that idea that even you, you comparing yourself to that, to what you think other people are feeling in these moments in their relationship, especially if you don't think you've ever had it, you glorify it even more. It's really, really valuable. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. hope you enjoyed it. Before you go, make sure that you do this one thing today. I promise you that every week you are missing out by not doing what I'm about to say. I send a private email to a group

of people who have registered for it every single Friday. The email is called the three relationships and every email is packed with advice on how you can improve in the three core areas of life. Your relationship with other people, your relationship with yourself and your relationship with life itself. People really look forward to this email. It's not the kind of email people skip. People look forward to it in their inbox every Friday. Go over to the three relationships.com to sign up for that email for free. By the way, the three in that domain is the number three, not the word three. So the three relationships.com. And I will see you in your inbox this Friday. Thank you for listening, everyone. I'll see you in the next episode. Be well and love life.