Love Life with Matthew Hussey - What Makes Someone Give Up Being Single? | Rewind

Episode Date: April 3, 2026

Many people think commitment is only about timing, but readiness for a relationship is really shaped by feeling truly seen, understood, and safe...In this conversation, Matthew and Audrey explore why so many people feel discouraged about commitment in modern dating. They unpack the belief that no one wants a real relationship anymore, what actually influences someone to become ready for commitment, and how the right dynamic can bring out a more authentic, relationship-ready version of someone.If you’ve been wondering whether commitment is still possible, or how to tell the difference between real potential and wasted time, this episode will help you better understand what makes someone move from uncertainty to choosing a relationship.---►► Matthew Hussey’s free Three Relationships newsletter isn’t just about dating—it’s about creating a life you love. Get practical advice and heartfelt wisdom delivered to your inbox every Friday. Sign up for free at TheThreeRelationships.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So I have a question for you. You know, I think a rhetoric we hear often, which I actually happen to agree with, is when it comes to men and commitment, it's all about timing. You know, we talk about men having their light on. And when their light goes on, they just commit to the nearest. I've never heard it put like that. Yeah, it's like a very common way. Their light going to be. Yeah, like men have a light.

And once their light is on, they'll commit to the nearest. person too, but there's almost this kind of idea that like, oh, it's not about the people, it's about just them being ready. And I find that to be very interesting because to me, everything you're talking about isn't untrue. There is absolutely a huge contingent of people who are kind of saying that obviously, you know, relationships bring you more peace, bring you more joy, make you more successful, you live a longer life and all the rest of it.

And obviously if you want a family, you need to find a partner to do that with. So there are definitely a lot of men who are talking about that. But there is still, I think, from, again, just going back to our love life community and all the women that we coach, there is, I think, a huge sort of group of men out there, probably in their 20s, but also in their 30s, I would say, who, you know, still are very hesitant around committing, right? And this idea of like maybe, you know, having your light on, it might be that people after the fact who have found commitment, who have found the beauty of commitment, might then go, oh, you should do it absolutely. But how do you actually get someone there? Because I think the timing thing is interesting.

There is definitely a lot to be said for, you know, in your 20s. I mean, I think men and women, you think you're ready, you're not ready at all. You don't know who you are. You don't really know what you want. Some people do. get me wrong. Some people find beautiful lasting relationships in their 20s, but for the most part, my experience, my personal experience and my experience of people around me is that in your 20s, you're just figuring it out. But I think sometimes there is this hangover where women kind of

have figured it out. They know what they want in their 30s, but men are catching up a little bit. And so I want to ask you, in terms of this idea of being ready and having your light on, like, what do you think makes that, what do you think kind of precipitates that feeling of being ready for men? I think so much of it is peer group. Because it's easy to say like a man hits a certain point in his life where he's, you know, starts feeling less fulfilled and he starts realizing single life isn't working for him and whatever. And in a sense, I think that there's truth to that. It's not that that's not an element.

I think a lot of guys get to a point, you have different things going on. You have some guys who struggle when they're single and they really struggle to meet people and attract people. And in a sense, they never really have that feet, you know, that Jim Carrey thing of Jim Carrey saying, I wish everyone could get rich and famous so that they could realize it doesn't work. I think there's an element of that in people's love lives where there are certain guys who never really experience feeling successful single. And so they never realize that it doesn't work, even if the thing they would want to happen happened, even if they could get anyone they wanted, have as much sex as they wanted, date as many people as they wanted, date the person they think is the hottest person. they still wouldn't quote work it wouldn't like solve all of their emotional issues in life and and so I think

there are guys who kind of in some ways maybe struggle to commit because they never really fulfill what they thought they wanted to fulfill in their single lives and there are other guys who maybe do on some level at least enough to see that oh wow it didn't work this can't this is not going to sustain me. This is not going to be enough. This is not the kind of existence I want to have. And then they start looking for commitment. So I'm not saying that some of those things don't happen naturally, but I also just think so much of life is your peer group. It's who you spend time with. It's who your mentors are. If you are around people who are, you know, if you join a jiu-jitsu gym, you are going to start wanting to be.

be more healthy because and James Clear talks about this. James Clear is the habit guy. He talks about this idea that you should join community. If you want to inculcate a habit, you should join communities who take those values seriously because you will want to start having those habits just to keep pace with that community. So for me, I know that eating healthy and being fit and strong in the gym is actually downstream from me going to Jiu Jitsu. Because when I go to Jiu Jitsu, it's so evident so quickly if I'm out of sync in my values with the people there because I either can't keep up or because I don't relate to the things they're talking about or the ways that they're living or. So my values change because of the peer group I'm around or they shift a little.

And that, I believe, happens among men in their peer groups. Who are they spending time with? You know, I noticed for myself, I'd be lying if I didn't say I noticed a shift when I started, you know, in the last few years of my life, spending more time with guys who were a little bit older in many cases. And not all of them, actually. Not all of them older, but just guys who are living a life where they were in very committed relationships, either married, had kids. And they would talk very, very positively about that life.

and I would see them in I would ask them questions and see them achieving just as much as I was if not more and it would kind of rob me of certain excuses that I had like oh if I'm in a relationship I'm not going to achieve as much it's going to slow me down I'm going to have too many things to manage I'm not going to be able to be as focused and and I saw you know the I met guys who made me realize that that was this assumption I was making that wasn't true, that they were, you know, in some cases had several kids, four or five kids and were more productive than I was. But I have a question because when you and I met,

you weren't putting yourself around those people. It was more when we were together and we were kind of already in a committed relationship that you started to develop your love and value for that through that peer group. Whereas before that, I would argue most of your friends were actually single when you and I met. So how do you explain that? Because to me, that suggests that there was already something about that life that wasn't working for you. And then an outside influence of meeting somebody kind of convinced you, so to speak, to go, oh, I'm going to give this a shot.

I being the outside, the outside entity in that instance. And the reason I'm lingering on this is that I can imagine people listening going, you know, well, that's all well and good. But what if I don't have someone who's curious? And what if I don't have someone who has friends who have relationships or kids and, you know, what marriage? What if I am just always meeting guys who are Peter Pan and all their friends are the lost boys? What then?

And I think there's actually, I almost, I agree with every. everything you said, but I almost think there is also a lot that you can do to kind of point someone in the direction of being even interested and curious about the subject of commitment. I'd love you to speak to that. Well, I think that it's a great point. I think if the person you're with has friends who are like out every night till 3 a.m. and they're dragging him out with them and they're very much in single mode

and he's really tight with them. Like there's a natural obstacle. Yeah, the bros. That's his peer group right now. Like when you met me, that wasn't my peer group. No. I was still getting to know other people who were further along in their personal lives than I was.

And you're right, some of those relationships have become deeper in the time that we've known each other. You were not in a single phase. You were still, you had evolved past like, you know, I'm loving being single and going out and all that phase. No, I was starting to feel, I was actually starting to feel like it really wasn't enjoyable. Not, and that wasn't coming from a place of not liking my own company. I really liked my own company. I'd learned in that time to like my own company. Yeah, he loves his own company. Everybody listening, I've never met a man who loves his own company more.

He gets very excited when I leave the house. I have to not take offence to this. But I actually, I mean, this is a separate point, but one of the things that I really enjoy about our relationship is that you don't get offended by me needing that. No, not at all, of course. You've come to really understand that it has nothing to do with you that I really enjoy my own company.

Yeah, yeah. You need to recharge once in a one in your own. But that's, but that's, but that, like, that's a good example of something that made me less afraid of commitment. Interesting. What do you mean? Well, if someone had come along and not understood that about me, it might have made me feel quite scared or suffocated because I might have felt like, wow, you know, we live, we don't live the same life as many of our parents. Yeah, my mom and dad when I was growing up, my dad was out all day. They weren't in a house remote working together, like in the kitchen together on every

break and sometimes working next to each other on the sofa for hours on end or that was not my mom and dad's life. They didn't see each other most of the day. And then my dad would come home at the end of the night. Like I'm not saying that that was the healthiest version of life either, but it's also the other extreme can be just as dangerous where you're now a couple who's in a house together or an apartment, you're, you potentially are both working from home. And now there's no separation unless you create it. That's not conducive to getting the space that two people often need. So,

and some people need more space than others and people vary in that respect. But it's healthy for a relationship nonetheless. You know, I think. think it's been one of the things it's been a real a great thing for our relationship is that you and to be fair you've come to understand this because our relationship has proven to be safe right if i was asking for space all the time and on top of it our relationship felt like it was on really shaky ground and it wasn't safe and didn't feel like there was commitment there that that may be you know that would then maybe be taken with a different meaning But I think because there was a sense of safety and progression in the relationship,

you were able to, to your credit, see that, oh, this is just something that this person needs. This is something that's important to him. And as a result, it allows, I think we're, you know, we're always future projecting. Like Elaine DeBotton talked about this. Like anytime a person does something that upsets you or freaks you out, one of the reasons it upsets you so much, One of the reasons it freaks you out so much is because your future projecting, you're looking at that thing they're doing today and extrapolating out to the entire future of your life going, oh my God, this is something I'm going to have to deal with forever in a thousand different

situations. And so you've upset me today turns into you've ruined my entire life. And I really understand and relate to that. I realized, and this was on me too, by the way, to be brave enough to ask for what I wanted. But when I realized I could ask you or say to you, or not even ask sometimes. Yeah, I was going to say, you never ever asked me for space.

But I think that's because you've made lots of friends. Oh. So you give me space naturally. Right. Like you, I didn't need to in a sense. But in the beginning as well, and I suppose, I want you to finish your point, but the reason I'm sort of highlighted. I feel like we're off on a tangent here from.

the thing you asked, but I do think this is really important. So I do kind of want to stay with this for a second. The reason I'm sort of stipulating that I know you never asked for it goes back to this idea of like, how do you actually make an impact when you would like to influence someone into committing to you? And I think that the impact is made through really understanding and seeing the person in front of you and analyzing what their needs might be and almost getting a lot of out in front of them because I think if you'd asked me for space that would that would insinuate that I had not given you enough space that you already felt suffocated and where that's great and obviously some people might get to do that and still come out

very strong I think there is a superpower in being able to read people and say oh I can they've mentioned they're introverted they've mentioned they like a lone time I can see that they'll spend a whole weekend on their own without seeing anyone Therefore, I am going to do the mask in my head and conclude that this person probably needs a little bit of space. So instead of waiting for them to come to me and asking for it, I'm going to offer that space. So they don't feel like they have to ask for it. And they feel like they're very seen and understood in that moment. And I'm using this as an example.

The reason I'm sticking and highlighting it is I think there's something to that. And there is a lot of power in that. Yeah, I think that's really, really, that's such a great point. Such a great point. And sometimes if you don't know, like that suggests quite, in a sense, what you just said suggests you're able to read a situation, you're able to interpret what someone needs. Even if you feel like you can't right now, just coming to someone periodically and saying, is there anything you want more of that you don't get in our relationship?

Or is there anything you wish I'd do. more. Is there anything you wish I'd do less? Is there anything you feel like you need that you're not getting? Anything important to you that you feel like you maybe haven't asked for? I think just saying those things can sometimes give someone the permission to be like, well, actually, I suppose one thing that I would like is this. And then being brave enough to hear the answer because that's creating that safety for someone to say those things. And then not coming down on someone for the answer, instead being like, okay, well, you know, how might that look or what might we do to create that for you? And the way to not take it personally, I think, is to realize that the reason you ask is because

you're trying to strengthen the relationship. And so any information you get that is feedback is a way of strengthening the relationship. Now, if what they're giving you as feedback is rude, disrespectful, unrealistic, negates your needs and what you need in a relationship. If they say, I want to sleep in separate bedrooms, but for you, sleeping together is really important, for instance, then those are things that you have to almost check in with yourself and ask yourself whether or not you want to put up with this and whether that's the right relationship for you. But any feedback that's like, actually, you know, sometimes you talk too much.

I'm laughing because I think sometimes I talk too much. But, you know, sometimes you talk too much and I really like to be silent and just have quiet time. You can take that feedback and think to yourself, oh, like, they're not saying I don't want to be with you because you talk too much. They're just saying if I was to optimize this relationship, this is a way I would optimize it.

The same way you might say, you know, I love it when you hug me. So when we're watching movies, I sometimes feel like you're a bit far away and I'd love for you to hug me. It doesn't mean you don't want to spend time with them if they don't do that. It just means that that would be a way to make you feel extra special and extra loved. So that's the way to almost spin it in your head if you feel yourself getting that defensive kind of, you know, ball in your throat feeling of, oh my God, they're criticizing the way that I am in a relationship or our relationship as it stands. Instead going, oh, no, this is just an opportunity. for me to strengthen this connection. And a commitment and a lasting connection

has to be very, very strong. So it is only going to be forged through difficult conversations and feedback and adjusting and changing and adapting for each other. Yeah, 100%. And I think the more you do that with someone, the more the relationship is going to become something that the other person doesn't want to lose.

Yeah. Because they'll feel like you have the unique key to them. That's so true. You created the key that no one else has through your understanding of them. And they're like, I don't want to lose this key. This person knows how to unlock me. This person knows how to make me happy.

This person understands how to uniquely support me. This person wants to make me happy. I want to go back to that because you basically said when a guy doesn't have those influences yet, what can you do? How can you? And I think we're talking about it. I think this is it because you can, you know, people get influenced in all sorts of different ways. Sometimes they get influenced because they find themselves around a lot more, you know, married people or people with kids, people with happy relationships and they're guys that they respect.

Yeah. And when a guy that you really respect tells you like, no, no, no, this is where it's at. Like having an amazing relationship, man. And especially if they frame it in terms that speak to you at that time in your life, like if you speak to a Taipei guy and you're like, no, no, no, you don't understand. You're going to achieve more in a relationship. That's music to your ears if you're that kind of guy in that time in your life because you're like, oh, I, like, I've been telling myself this is at odds with those things.

And actually, that's, that's a mistaken assumption. I've been listening to the wrong people in life. So, yes, that's one way to influence is to be around different peer groups. that if a guy doesn't have that or if a person doesn't have that, you are also a very strong influence on them by showing them how great a relationship can be. You can model how great a relationship can be, even before you're in a relationship with someone. How do you do that?

I think it's in lots of different ways. It's like, you know, anticipating that someone might need a little space can be done in dating. If you feel like you've been with someone for like, you know, day after day after day and you're like, you know what? It seems to me like this is probably, you know, a time where they might want to see their friends at this stage. Or there might be gym classes they're missing out on because we've been nesting for the last two weeks. or they might, you know, there might be things that are starting to affect their life at the rhythm of their life.

Then I think you can point those things out because a relate, you know, dating, the romance is like a sprint. And in a sprint, you're just going hard until you run out of steam. You can't sprint forever. A relationship is a marathon. And so it's about sustainable. ability? Can you sustain this pace over 100 miles? And when you're nesting with someone for two weeks, just to stick with this example, there are many, but to stick with this one, when you're

nesting with someone for two weeks because it just feels so good, you're also going at a pace and a rhythm that neither of you can really sustain in your life. He's, you know, you're both missing things. There are responsibilities not being tended to. It's that mood, right? You said this before, you were like, when you're falling in love and you're just like, I don't need anything else. Nothing. I just need you.

Yeah, this is all I need. I don't ever need to do anything again. I don't need to see my family, my friends, I don't need to exercise, I don't need to work. I don't need to sleep. Because you're on drugs. That's what it is. You're on drugs. And it just, you're like, this is the only thing I need from now on.

But gradually, you know, life starts to fall apart a little bit. or you know, you miss a deadline at work and that's like an alarm bill in your head. Oh, like that I'm not being responsible here. You've got five texts from your brother, your mother, your sister, your best friend that are unanswered. You know, at a certain point, a relationship is saying yes to something that actually beats with the rhythm of your life. And you go, oh, I could keep going. I can this actually enhances everything it makes everything better so you know you don't have to it's not your job to anticipate everything that someone's not telling you and I kind of think one of the like

for me one of the problems I've had most of my life one of the challenges is not asking for what I need not asking for what I want being afraid that if I were to ask for space that someone would abandon me, that someone would, you know, they would get angry or they would get upset or they would, you know, something bad would happen. It was like my nervous system couldn't, deep down I might really want, this is a real, this is like, this is interesting. It's like super paradoxical, but you know, this feeling of I need, I need, space but I'm afraid to ask for space because I don't want to lose connection. I don't want to want to be a lot of people feel that right it's very it's very not anxious

avoidant but it's very avoidant sorry anxious by nature in terms of attachment because you almost don't trust a relationship right to continue on its track yes but it doesn't fall into the normal kind of it's a controlled thing yeah it's a control thing, but it doesn't fall into that. We often associate anxious attachment with clinging onto someone, not needing space. And in a sense, it's still a form of clinging because you're basically saying, my needs are telling me I need space, but I'm afraid to ask for it because I'm afraid that the relationship is going to be harmed by me asking for it. And that's kind of an old wound, right? That's old stuff in my life that's appearing in new situations.

over and over and over again with people that you know with you I could do that and it wouldn't nothing bad would happen it wouldn't mean that that night you would go you'd be like you know well screw you then I'm gonna go out and party and flirt with guys because you don't want to hang out with me you know like it's it's that's not that wasn't the reality of our relationship it wasn't something bad wasn't going to happen because I asked for that but but I still didn't know how to ask for that early on in our relationship. And by the way, I'm still getting better at this. It's not, I'm not all the way there, but I'm learning bit by bit that it's safe to say these things and to ask for these things because, you know, this, this relationship has modeled for me a different

kind of safety. And that bad things don't happen. You get, you get these new reference points for, oh, bad thing didn't happen when I did that. I can do more of it. And, you know, I, again, it sounds, silly but when we joke about you know we have all these in jokes when you go out for a night with your friends about how much I'm going to enjoy it instead of missing you those jokes actually are a great pressure valve for me because they say oh it's safe to it's safe to be who I really am I just picture you like I leave the house the door closes and it's literally like, yeah. And then you're jumping on the bed.

You're eating popcorn. It's like I hit a button. And you know like Disco Stew's house in The Simpsons where he like he's got a date coming over and he hits a button and all of these different like the record goes on and the bed turns into a love bed and I think it's disco stew. Or maybe maybe it's not Disco Stew. Maybe it's Quagmire from Family Guy. It is Quagmire.

It is Quagmire. It is Quagmire. Very similar characters. It's like that except it just turns into like a. a very innocent place where I get to just watch whatever I want to watch. Or so he says. But no, that's a really, I really love everything you're saying. But I suppose my point is that I,

I early on, it was my responsibility. And I don't want to take this responsibility off of the person whose responsibility it should be. It was my responsibility to come to a relationship more healed. than I did, and to come to a relationship being able to ask for those things. And I think we do a lot of blaming other people for things that we ourselves haven't learned how to ask for. Yeah, for sure.

And then we go, oh, they suffocated me. They, you know, the number of relationships that I probably, you know, decided somebody else was the problem where really I didn't ask for what I wanted. I didn't actually say what would have made me happier. I didn't have the guts too. I was too afraid. That, you know, we constantly blame other people for these things. So on one hand, I think, be aware that I'm not saying when you go to someone, it's your job to heal them and to do that work for them. That, I was behind there. And that made me someone who was a little more dangerous to date in some ways because I hadn't done that. But,

But what you can do that I think helps someone heal and helps someone bring forward their core, a more authentic version of themselves, is you can ask those questions that we were talking about. You can really get to know them and ask them what they need. And you can start to just feel your way around those things. And when you do, what they're going to realize is that they get to be a more authentic version of themselves with you than they ever have been before. And when you find someone that you feel you can be a truly authentic version of yourself with

and they accept that, and they make you feel safe for that, that's like, that's a very, very hard thing to give up. Yeah. You know, what I think is really, really, I mean, so much is really interesting about this, but one of the things I think is super interesting.

is it goes back to that idea of men in their light and men being ready, right? You know, we're using you as an example, but I think this is applicable to a lot of people and a lot of men out there. You either needed, in your case, to go and sort out all those things you're speaking about and then meet someone where you could communicate those things, or you needed to meet someone who was able to have those kinds of communication pattern with you and was able to ask you those questions, which then made you ready. So that's what's interesting.

That's where I think, I really hope everyone listening is kind of realizing they have more power than they realize because this is just one thing, right? There's many other things, but this is one thing that can kind of tip someone over the edge from being not ready to ready. Now, I do not, I want to just say something. before I continue, because I feel like we have been doing a lot of kind of talking about endorsing how you can influence someone into being in a relationship with you. What I don't want this to come across as is, you know, that you can change somebody's mind if they're, A, really not ready,

or B, just not taking the situation seriously. There are plenty of people who are going to be more than willing to waste your time, take everything you give them, and never ever give you what you want and there is no amount of asking questions and what they need and preempting and second-guessing things for them and giving them space none of that is going to make a difference because they're just not there so i think all of this has to be met with an incredibly healthy set of standards for yourself which is here is what i want and if this person is not able to meet that need within that time frame i'm out not in an abrasive way not in a angry way just in a way where you go i like you but I like me more. And so I really want that point to be made.

Thank you so much for spending this time with me. I do not take it for granted. I also wanted to let you know another way that we can connect each week because there is a private email that I send every Friday to those who have signed up for it. For me, it's a way that I can stay connected to all of you between episodes. The newsletter is called The Three Relationships. And basically, each week I share something to help you improve in one of the three big relationships. your relationship with other people, your relationship with yourself, or your relationship with life itself. These three relationships are the basis of an amazing life. People tell me that they look forward to this email every single Friday. It's not the kind of email they skip. So if you want to

join us, go to the3relationships.com and you can sign up for free. That's the number three, by the way, not the word three. So the three relationships.com. Thank you for listening. Take care and keep showing up for yourself in your life. I'll see you in the newsletter.