Love Life with Matthew Hussey - Who Pays in a Relationship?

Episode Date: November 25, 2016

There’s been a lot of talk about who should pick up the check on a date (my video on this topic went viral recently with over 18 million views!). Many people seem to think the rules of paying in the “courtship phase” are pretty black-and-white. But what about when you’ve been seeing someone for a while and money matters get more complicated than who’s grabbing the movie popcorn? In today’s LOVELife, I go beyond the basics of “who pays for a date” to discuss how to handle it when your partner has more disposable income than you. I’ll show you how to contribute the best way you can to the activities you share, while also gracefully allowing him to treat you, so you can keep the balance of the relationship in tact. 

Welcome to Love Life. I'm your host, Matthew Hussey. Now, here's a secret about men that most women don't realize. Men really want to feel manly around you. If you know how to make him feel like a man, he'll want to be around you day and night. So how do you do this? I'm going to give you my five most powerful phrases for making him feel manly around you right after we get into today's topic. We have a caller on the line today. That caller is Nicole. Nicole, are you there?

I am, Matthew. Hi, how are you? I'm wonderful. How are you? You good? I'm good. I'm really good. Fantastic. So what was your question, Nicole? Well, I have a question about a dating situation I'm in right now, sort of involving money and finances and who pays for what and, you know, at what stage of the relationship, you know, you should either be more on more equal footing equal footing and so forth. So let me give you a little bit of background. Dating this guy for about two months now. We're both in our early 40s. I'm divorced.

I have four kids. He's single. He's never been married, no kids. Obviously, I'm on a pretty tight budget. I budget everything out and got the kids as my priority. And he makes a lot of money and has a lot of opportunity to, you know, do whatever he wants. And a situation came up recently where he invited me to go skiing. And he sort of said, you know, well, do you have your own equipment? And I'll drive us and I'll get the hotel. But, you know, I don't

cover lift tickets. It's sort of a rule of mine. I don't cover the cost of lift ticket. Will you be able to do that? And I said, you know, yeah, I'll be able to do it. That's fine. It was, you know, one day lift ticket skiing. So I went and did that, and we went and had a great time, and it was fine. Situation came up again, however, just recently. He wanted to go skiing again, a little bit longer time away, two nights of time,

two days skiing, and, you know, he had the rule, you're going to have to pick up the cost of lift tickets. I didn't happen to have the money at the time, so I said to him, you know what, if you ever make an exception to your rule, kind of short on funds right now, I'd love to go with you. Thank you so much for the invite, but I'm not going to be able to cover the lift ticket. So he said to me, well, I'll cover the cost of one. And that still wasn't really able to do at that point, so I had to decline. And it became sort of an issue between us because he was sort of like, you're making such a big deal over the cost of one list ticket. I don't understand. It's sort

of rash over, you know, measly $80. And, you know, my point was, you know, to me, it's not a measly $80. It's, you know, i'm not able to be a spontaneous you um you know i love spending time with you but in situations like this where it's a spontaneous situation and they don't have the money would you be able to call you know cover it and you know he was it was but he wasn't so my question sort of is is this a real red flag is this I'm concerned going forward that this is going to continue to be an issue between us two? Him being financially sort of sound and me really not, and the ebb and flow of my funds is a little more dicey than his.

I don't want him to start resenting me and having to pick up the towel all the time. I'm not about that. I definitely am looking for more of a partnership. But in reality, I'm not able to do all that he's able to do. And I just was wondering if you had any thoughts about that. I just don't know how to really go forward with it. Because like I said, I don't want any resentment to build up. I don't want it to become an issue in the future. But it is a real issue. Yeah, it is a real issue. The reality is,

what I find to be very important, and where I think already you're ahead of the game and I'm pleased to hear it is it's really important to lay out to someone where you're at financially. When he says, you know, I want to go skiing this weekend and you say to him, you know what, I'd love to do that. But honestly, you know, I don't have the money to be able to go and do that this weekend. God, you know, that sounds amazing. Um, it's, it sounds romantic and I'm sure we'd have an amazing time. I just, I just can't stretch to it. I wish I could, but I can't. Um, and you can always say, by the way, I don't mind saving up for it if you want to

do it in four weeks or eight weeks or whatever. I, you know, I don't mind saving up for it cause I'd love to do that with you and always stress that, you know, always, always stress the feel good factor of, you know, I would love to do that. That would be so much fun to do with you. But at the same time, be honest about your situation because that allows somebody to make an informed decision. There's nothing worse than someone going away with you, assuming that you're going to pitch in. And then when the bill comes for something, it's awkward because you don't say anything and they go, oh, they just take it for granted that I'm going to pay. That's never a

good feeling. So you did the right thing by being upfront in the beginning. Now, the one change I want you to make is in your mindset. I don't want you to wear it as baggage. I don't want you to see it as embarrassing. This awkwardness occurs at every level. There'll be someone who your financial position is a dream to them, and they would find it hard to hang with you because of what you're able to do. So this happens at every level. It's important that you don't wear it as baggage, that you show that you're comfortable with your situation, even if you're working to improve it, that you're comfortable with your situation now, and you don't feel embarrassed by it. It's just the reality of where you are. And then if he wants to entertain it and say you're comfortable with your situation now and you don't feel embarrassed by it. It's just the reality of, of where you are, you know, and then if he wants to entertain it

and say, you know what, screw it. I really want to go with you. Um, let me, let me pick up the thing at that point, by the way, I still would add in, look, I, I love that gesture from you. I just, I never, you know, want to just take that for granted and for you to feel resentful because you're paying for me, because that, that wouldn't make me feel good. You know, I always want us to come to things on an equal footing and I'll always help where I can. You know, you have my word on that. I'll always help where I can. Um, but you know, I, I don't want you to feel you have to, cause you really don't. And then allow him to reiterate, no, I'm, I really want to, I really want to go with you because then he's really confirmed that this is coming from the right place not coming from a place of his guilt or his feeling of oh well I guess I should so just that little reinforcement that you're completely

okay if he doesn't want to pay that you don't take it for granted that he's going to and that you you you know you would always help where you could is something that really puts people in a good mindset. Because right now it's probably not to do with the really to do with money for him. It's to do with mindset. And it's to do with him not wanting to be taken advantage of. And it's really important that you show him that at no point will you take advantage just because you're not in the same situation financially. And then if at the end of the day,

it's almost like I'm running through some checklists here, right? Because if after all of these boxes have been checked and you've done everything right, if he still feels that it creates friction and your lifestyles are incompatible and he doesn't want to finance you going through that as well, well, then that's okay. That also means you have your answer in the relationship, doesn't it? Right, right. Nicole, such a pleasure. Thank you so much for calling in. Thank you so much, Matthew. Take care. All right. Take care. Bye-bye. So we started off today talking about the power of making a man feel manly around you. But how do you do this? It can be challenging to strike the balance so that you don't sound patronizing when you do this,

which is why I've carefully crafted five perfect phrases that you can say to any man that will make him feel like his best self around you. To download these five phrases, just go to lovelifepodcast.com forward slash compliments.