Love Life with Matthew Hussey - Why Being a Virgin Isn’t a BFD

Episode Date: June 15, 2016

For any woman, it’s extremely tricky to answer a guy’s question, “So…how many men have you slept with?” But what if you’re a virgin? How do you tell a guy you like without making it weird or freaking him out? I get asked this question a lot, and today I’m going to tell you just what to say, how to say it, and – most importantly – how to respond to his reaction. Oh, and by the way, we’re also going to talk about why being a virgin isn’t a B(ig) F(reaking) D(eal) to begin with. So relax already!

Hello everyone, this is Love Life with Matthew Hussey. You know, we've all been hurt in relationships. If we're not careful, we can end up shutting ourselves off completely to protect ourselves from more pain. But that cheats us out of opportunities to find the love we really deserve. So what should we do instead? I want to come back to this at the end of the show. But first, let's get into today's episode. Look, are you ready to get serious? Talk about something a little sensitive? It's going to offend a few people.

You ready? I'm ready. We did a radio show recently about what you should say to the guy who asks, how many people have you slept with? And in answering this question, I gave various answers to which in the comments, people responded. Now, one of the comments that we got on the show was, well, what if I'm a virgin? And in fact, for many of these people, it came in two parts. The first thing they said is, well, what do I tell him if I'm a virgin? And the second part was a more abstract question of, well, what, you know, what do I do? I'm a virgin. I, you know, I've been saving myself for the right person, but I'm worried and it's kind of created this stigma and I'm worried about telling guys about it and so on. So I'm going to answer this in two parts. First, dealing with

how do you actually tell a guy you're a virgin? Because that seems to be something a lot of people are worried about. And secondly, just the state generally of being a virgin. Let's talk about that. So first part, here's my rule with anything that you think has the potential to create a reaction in somebody else for better or worse. Don't wear it as baggage when you tell them. If you say to someone, I just really, I don't know. I just didn't know how to tell you this, but I'm a, I'm a virgin. Now you sound like you being a virgin is just the most horrible thing on earth. And he's got to deal with it, right? This is, you wear it as baggage, he receives it as baggage. It's a big deal to you, it's a big deal to him. If it's not a big deal to you, if it's just, actually, I'm still a virgin, that may surprise you, but I'm still a virgin. Already the tone of that is going to get a different reaction.

Now, of course, he'll have his reflex reaction to that. Whatever it is, that's fine. Everyone has reflex reactions to things that you say. Your job is to remain, there's a great word here, equanimous to that. Equanimous meaning mentally unfazed, calm. Don't react with, oh, I didn't know it would be a problem for you. And I just, I just, I didn't know how to tell you. Don't then react in that way. Simply react calmly. Yeah, you know, I thought it may surprise you, but that's, that's the truth. Fine. No big deal. If it's not a big deal to you, it will be far less likely to be a big deal to him.

I'm going to say this to you, ladies. Your gift to the world is not your vagina, right? That is not the thing that makes you special. So anyone who's holding out right now, like that's, that's your big gift. Like this is the thing you're giving to man. You're in trouble because guess what? Every woman has one. The truth is your empowerment comes from whoever you choose, those decisions that you make to be with someone. That's where your empowerment comes from, is I decide to be with you tonight. That wasn't your decision. That was my decision. I decide to

do this with you. And if you've built it up so much that it's become a thing for you, I want to save you some hassle. The first sex you ever have is not going to be the best sex you ever have. It's unlikely to be this grand, mystical, transcendent moment. For most of us, the first sex we ever had was just terrible. It was awkward and fumbling and weird and we didn't know what we were doing. And the first sex was just getting us to the 59th when it finally got good. When you're like, oh, this, oh, okay, this is how you do it, right? It's never going to be this incredible moment. By the way, it might be you might have this great romantic guy and you have this situation that turns into a relationship. You have this magical moment with him. It might be

that, but you don't have to wait for that moment. Look, take the pressure off. Find someone you like. Find someone you're having fun with. Find someone you trust, find someone you feel safe around, find someone that you feel romantic around. And if the feeling takes you, go for it. Stop building it up to be this amazing thing. Because guess what? Once you're past that and you feel like this isn't some huge deal anymore, you can actually begin living your life and enjoying it and just going out there and having fun and seeing what's out there without this big stigma in your brain. And for those of you who are worried because you're saying, well, how do I tell a guy I'm a virgin? Guess what? After you've had sex, you won't ever have to say that again.

So you don't need to worry about it. That's the shortest term problem you'll ever have by definition. Because the moment you sleep with someone, you'll never have to think about it again so don't worry it's just you only have to say that to whoever you meet before you have sex for the first time this is really not that difficult people sex is good it's easy it's fun go enjoy it i'll speak to you soon at the beginning of today's show, I brought up the question, how can we open ourselves up to love again when we've been hurt? In one of my live seminars, I actually coached a woman through this in a Q&A session,

and I want to give you free access to it today. I call this video, The Three Female Mindsets That Drive Men Wild, And it's filled with empowering and practical advice that you can use today. To get your free access, just go to lovelifepodcast.com forward slash mindsets.