Love Lives - #17 Sliding into DMs and getting 'the ick'
Episode Date: January 12, 2018Social media has created a whole new way to chat someone up: sliding into DMs (direct messages). But is there a correct etiquette for this? Is there a way to do it without being creepy? We share our t...houghts on the matter this week on Millennial Love.We're also discussing 'the ick' - the inexplicable feeling of disgust you sometimes develop out of nowhere towards someone you're dating, even though you were totally into them before. Where does it come from? Do men get the ick too? We try to get to the bottom of all these mysteries.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/millenniallove. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Hello and welcome to Millennial Love, the Independent Lifestyle Desk's weekly podcast
on love, dating and relationships.
Hosted by me, Olivia Petter, lifestyle writer.
And me, Rachel Hosey, assistant lifestyle editor.
Each week, we're discussing the core dating issues affecting millennials today.
There are endless podcasts out there on relationships,
but as two single ladies in our 20s, we didn't feel any really reflected our own experiences.
And that's why we decided to launch Millennial Love.
This week we are talking about sliding into someone's DMs,
which is only a phrase that I learned this summer.
But basically we're going to talk about if there's ever a non-creepy way to do it.
And for those who don't know, it's when you message someone on social media in a private messaging system.
So for example, in Twitter, it would be in the little messages box.
Or in Instagram, it would be in the little messages box or an Instagram it would be in the private messages again
DM standing for direct message not Doc Martens no as someone on our team
thought earlier just sliding into your DM just slide into those Doc Martens and
then we're also going to talk about getting the ick which if you watched
Love Island you will know very well what that is but it's basically when you see someone and then all of a
sudden out of nowhere something happens and you feel repulsed by them and
everything they do cringes you out and it's a nightmare. It's gonna be a fun one
I have a lot to say on that much experience with the ick but let's not
get ahead of ourselves. So what have you been up to this week Livvy? So I started my week by getting up absurdly early to work on the Golden Globes and talk
about the red carpet.
Ah, yes.
Which this year was particularly interesting because obviously everyone was wearing black
in protest of sexual misconduct in Hollywood as kind of kickstarted by Harvey Weinstein.
So it was really interesting because a lot of people were talking about how,
you know, does wearing black on the red carpet
really make that much of a statement
and is it really gonna make a difference
and how powerful really can it be?
But I actually do think it is powerful.
It's the first time anything like that's ever happened.
It shows how, you know, women in Hollywood
are kind of taking a stand and uniting to kind of say-
Not just women. Yeah to kind of just women yeah
and not just women men too although i mean men always wear black on the red carpet i know but
i feel like some of them really did like black shirts as well yeah true you know to make the
point true um i just think it's a really interesting it sets a really interesting precedent for awards
season in general um because obviously we've got the oscars coming up the grammys so i think it's
it made a really strong point,
particularly because at these award ceremonies,
there is such a strong kind of superficial emphasis
placed on what the women are wearing.
And I think in light of today's post-Weinstein heightened awareness
for sexual harassment culture,
it's interesting that people, and and good that people are kind of taking
a stand against that and saying you know what we wear isn't necessarily the only important thing
at these i mean i mean it's not it's not it shouldn't be the focal point at all which is why
they're kind of taking that away by going to like the dullest color in the color wheel
yes i feel uh some would argue that black is not even a color exactly so it's kind of removing like the dullest colour in the colour wheel for their dresses.
Yes, I feel some would argue that black is not even a colour.
Exactly.
So it's kind of removing all of that.
Yeah, really interesting.
I thought it was definitely striking that everyone was,
well, everyone bar a handful of people.
Yeah, there were a few people that didn't wear black.
Which is another very interesting issue in itself. Yeah, which was also quite a contentious issue,
particularly because one woman, an actress called Blanca Blanca blanco something like that or blanca blanca it's one of those um
very confusing name she wore a red satin dress with a kind of slash down the bodice
um so it's quite revealing as well and it looked amazing though she did look amazing and you know
she has since spoken up about why she didn't wear black and how the issue was kind of bigger than her dress which i think is also a very important
point um so yeah it was an interesting interesting day um other than that not much has been going on
how about you well i've had like an extra boring week because i've had the flu the flu the flu i'm
still sort of getting over the flu I was hoping it might sort
of make me have like a little husky sexy voice but I don't think it's done that at all I've just
like got a bit of a bunged up nose which um doesn't make anyone sound great so sadly I've been mainly
in bed although I have managed to watch a fair bit of friends that's good to be fair the fact
that friends has come on Netflix
could not have come at better time for me because it's just you know it's real the ideal when you're
ill watching you know like new Black Mirror's come out I want to watch that too but it's just
not the I've got flu yeah type of TV so friends has really been you know been there for me speaking
of friends getting quite can you appreciate what I did there I'm sorry sorry I'll been there for me. Speaking of Friends Can you appreciate what I did there?
Oh sorry, sorry, I'll be there for you.
Very funny.
Speaking of, God you find yourself hilarious
says you. I do think I'm very
funny but I am very funny.
Speaking of Friends, there is that episode when Phoebe gets really
ill and she sings Smelly Cat and she has
this really sexy, husky voice. Yes!
That could happen to you. Well, let's hold
out. My flu's not over yet, so I might still get sexy.
Yep.
There's hope.
Another life update.
Ugh, update?
Another life update, though.
For all of you who tuned in last week
when we had the wonderful Jack May on,
I'm sure you'll all be thrilled to know
that I can give you an update on his
ridiculous dating scenario. If you
didn't listen to his tale, do
listen back to last week's podcast.
I can confirm that he is going
out with the guy in question
tomorrow, or if you're listening to this
podcast on the day it comes out, today.
Oh, how exciting. So,
after that whole saga, they're still
going out on a date.
And you know that I'll be very nosy and try and find out how it went.
And we'll keep you posted.
This is going to be a podcast dedicated to Jack May's love life.
It'd be such a modern dating story if that actually worked out for them both.
It'd be brilliant.
Well, considering all we're doing is having flu, it's not that exciting.
So now it is time for our Bumble bio of the week.
That was really good theme music.
Thanks.
So it's actually very interesting because this time of year,
everyone's been saying is the busiest time of the year for dating apps.
So it's when everyone's doing the sliding, not the sliding, the swiping, the matching.
Maybe sliding. Maybe sliding. I mean the matching um and maybe sliding maybe sliding i
mean you don't really slide into someone's dms they'll want a dating app no no anywho um so this
is a guy called peter who's 27 and his bio goes i'm pretty new to this how do i order the uber
okay i just want to clarify something like that did make me laugh but can
we just can we talk about what he means what does he mean it's funny i know it's funny but why is it
funny because when at what point is joking like he thinks it's he's on uber but get it i mean
i'm really as if i had to explain that to you because i, no, because I wasn't really sure. In my mind, it was like, I'm new to this.
Like, how do I order the Uber as in to go on a date or to go?
I mean, that's fully not how I read it.
Yeah, I don't know.
I'm not good at dating apps, clearly.
Yeah, I didn't get it.
I laughed, though.
But I often laugh at things I don't understand.
Yeah, okay.
So that's funny whichever way you interpret it.
So thanks, Peter.
I feel really smart now.
Good.
I enjoyed that bio.
I just thought it was funny.
Didn't really tell me anything about him
but I was like, lol.
Yeah, but I think, you know,
whenever I'm on the dating apps,
I look for some sort of joke
rather than I
like surfing and long walks and baths or do you know I'm so over um when guys like put like
reviews in like hilarious anonymous tinder woman really charming young man my mum do you know I
mean like so I had never seen that before but then this weekend i was
looking and i saw a lot of those like six or seven and i thought them i thought they were quite funny
and original until i saw you know the sixth or seventh one i was like oh this is clearly a thing
that people do yeah yeah and then it will be like it will be like stop asking me for reviews
recent date or something as like the last one ah it's so funny i mean it's like
marginally funny the first time you've seen it but yeah i was amused and then i was like okay
this is clearly a trend we are not amused no anywho um so keeping on the technology vein let's
talk about sliding into dms now we also discussed this a little bit with jack last week because he is a king of
sliding into dms um so as we said this is when you're on not a dating app but a social network
of some kind usually instagram or twitter and you go from you know just exchanging tweets or
commenting or liking into someone's dm so this is like a private message that only you and they can see.
And, you know, it's sort of become a thing now, sliding into DMs,
which is like people joke that if you slide into someone's DMs,
you're making a move.
You fancy them, you're trying to get in there.
And this has sort of become a talking point in the past week
because tech writer Holly Brockwell tweeted a picture,
well, it's sort of a screen grab of a guy who had slid into her DM saying,
Hi, Holly, I hope this isn't an overstep. If it is, please ignore. I think you're really cool.
Would you be interested in getting a coffee sometime? Now, she replied saying,
Sorry, no, I've got a boyfriend boyfriend but thank you so much for your polite
and respectful approach and i wish more guys approached me and women like this um however
people responded to her sharing that image in different ways so she tweeted it saying men of
twitter if you're going to do it this is how you it. Kind of like as a guide to sliding into DMs,
being like this is the non-creepy way to do it.
And I think, yeah, there's been mixed reactions online.
Some people have kind of supported what Holly said
and been like, yeah, go him.
Like, you know, well done for him for having the courage to do that
and to do it in a, you know, polite, kind way.
But then other people people so another writer
um called rosalind warren tweeted to say god the bar is so low for men you know implying that if
this is something that we're praising then it's just i mean it's just absurd because it's like
because he didn't ask for nudes he's like the most polite guy in the world yeah exactly i think that's a
very valid point like this guy has shown like common courtesy standard manners been you know
a normal polite human and everyone's being like wow what an amazing guy yeah i mean it says a lot
it says a lot about the kind of DMs we're used to seeing.
Yeah, exactly.
Oh, God, the things I get.
The things I get.
What kind of things?
What kind of things have you had?
It's just the standard stuff that women get.
Like, hey, sexy.
Hey, hot stuff.
Yeah, or like, just like, hey, can you send me pics?
Really?
Or like, oh, I get.
Do you know what's really weird so ages ago I wrote this article about cookholding just about the cookholding community and now I
get a lot of guys basically asking if they if I would like to get involved with them in that
I also wrote about financial domination and then I get a lot of guys saying can I send you
money? Really?
Because that's some sort of, you know, for them that's
So these are guys who've read your article, looked
you up on Instagram and found you. Or Twitter
See I always think that sliding
into DMs is an Instagram thing
and I think it's interesting
to talk about the different platforms
because Instagram, my
gut, so I actually
have I think I've never really received a creepy sliding into DMs message but my friends have and
they get them all on Instagram because Instagram is obviously kind of an aesthetic led visual
platform where women and men are possibly sharing selfies of themselves they're showing the world
what they look like so that can attract you know say you've got bikini pictures on your instagram feed that can then
attract the creepier message so i find it interesting that people are resorting to twitter
which is obviously you know a word-based platform well i just you know i'm very good at words
olivia so i just seduce people with my witty bants. Yeah, it's just funny. I think it's interesting.
I think, I don't know if, you know,
the message that he sent to her on Twitter,
I think it's probably much more common
for people to slide into DMs that way on Twitter
than it is on Instagram.
Well, of course, he did say like, you know,
I think you are really cool.
Not saying like, I think you're really hot.
Yeah, exactly.
Which is why I think it's almost better
if you're going to do some DM sliding it's it's less creepy inherently to do it on something like Twitter
because yeah they they're attracted to the things you say rather than the images you post. Yeah I
have had um guys on Instagram as well it's's absolutely jokes. I remember, like, last summer,
I posted a picture of me in a swimming costume.
It wasn't, like, raunchy or anything.
It was really rather zoomed out.
And it was, like, from behind anyway.
Like, there was nothing, you know, majorly exposed.
And I wasn't, you know,
it was really the year of the swimming costumes
that, you know, came so high up, like, your hips and, like, everything. I did not. I was not in one of those swimming costumes that, you know, came so high up like your hips and like everything.
I did not.
I was not in one of those swimming costumes.
You know what I mean?
Anyway.
Respectful.
Yeah.
A respectful one piece.
Quite.
It was pink and had flamingos on.
Of course it did.
But after I posted this picture, I had loads of guys, some I knew, some I didn't, DMing me on Instagram.
Just like, oh my God, that picture, blah, blah.
And then like trying to start a conversation with me.
And I was just like, seriously, like you are so simple.
Sorry, like I posted a picture in a swimming costume.
And now you're all suddenly flocking.
I mean, wow.
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So funny.
I mean, like, the thing is, I do understand why people do it.
Not necessarily from a creepy perspective, but this guy, for example, who did it in, you know,
the polite, right, you know, inverted commas way.
If you are attracted to someone that you kind of see their presence online
and you don't know them,
she clarified that she did not know this person
and you don't have their Facebook info,
you don't have their phone number,
how else do you get in touch with them?
Okay, so do you know what I think is interesting?
Sorry.
This guy just came, I think this was the start of their conversation he just said that
whereas I would be a bit like oh I literally don't know you at all I if I was her and she
you know said she was never going to go out with him anyway because she has a boyfriend um I would
have been a bit like whoa like bit bold to just ask me out straight away mate can't what I would have been a bit like, whoa, like, bit bold to just ask me out straight away, mate.
I would have thought it would have been better for him to, like, message her about something else,
like, strike up a conversation and get to know each other a bit before asking out.
There's also the fact that some people were saying, like,
it was a bit presumptuous that he's trying to ask you out on a date.
Like, he could have just been literally going for a friendly coffee.
But I'm like, hmm'm like I think you know. So I think that's a really interesting debate because this is something
I experienced recently so I had been talking to a guy at the pub and he sent me a message. A guy
you already knew? Yeah yeah yeah but not really not very well and he sent me a message on my
Twitter DMs kind of in reference to something that we had been talking about.
So after the pub?
After the pub, yeah.
In reference to something we had been talking about.
We didn't have each other's numbers.
We didn't have each other on Facebook, nothing.
So he sent me this message
and then we had a brief conversation about something else.
And then a few days later, he actually ended up asking me out.
Over Twitter DMs? Over Twitter DMs, yeah. conversation about something else and then a few days later he actually ended up asking me out over twitter dms over twitter dms yeah and i was talking about this with him the other day and i
was like yeah but you slid into my dms and he was like what no i didn't i was just sending you a you
know friendly message about something we were talking about and i was like absolutely not i'm
sorry you you then you used that as a springboard to strike up a conversation
and then ask me out like am i deluded or is that what happened he definitely slid into your dms
but it's really funny how he just did not see it that way at all because he didn't think he did i
think he was just trying to say he didn't do you think yeah he seemed pretty confident that it
wasn't a dm slide it's just quite funny because I think obviously
guys and girls have very different perceptions in that and I think I don't know I just think
whenever you kind of go out of your way to get in touch with someone that is I don't I don't know
maybe if he hadn't asked me out a few days later I wouldn't have thought anything of it
I wouldn't have thought of it as a slide but because he did like that is a
slide yeah is it not it's really I think yeah I'm glad you agree because I was like am I just
really arrogant I thought that was a slide no because I haven't had many slides to compare it
to I keep saying slide slide as a word is going to lose all meaning soon um i think it was a slide i like he why would he
have needed to say something to you so badly if he wasn't interested in you you know on a romantic
level it was just quite an unnecessary message i suppose and like you said before it's much more
effective i think to talk to some to strike up a conversation about something.
You know, if you're going to message someone
that you don't know very well on a social media platform,
talk about something else first and then ask them out.
I do agree with you that the way this guy went about it
by just asking her out straight off the bat
was a bit much, even though it's not creepy.
It's still very forward,
particularly if they don't know each other
and they've never spoken to one another before. Yeah'd be like who the hell are you yeah and i think
i'm gonna meet up with you yeah exactly and it's it would be quite it's just quite a bold thing to
do and they're obviously strangers so it's kind of like agreeing to a blind date in a way it's
like okay i respect his boldness yeah but also i'm like i wouldn't go out with him yeah it's also
interesting because
you know would would we have that reaction if someone said that to us in real life
in a bar if someone came up to us and was like hey i think you look really cool do you want to
go grab a drink sometime i mean i would just be literally like what that just doesn't happen does
it no no people don't come up to people in bars no they really don't it's a bit
i don't know i don't know i don't have any experience of that no neither no one does that
anymore because it's all online it's so funny i know what have we become yeah i don't know i think
it's really interesting i think this as we've you know often conclude there's no right way and wrong
way to do something because different people will react different ways but i think that guy was definitely sliding
into her dms in a romantic way i went oh she didn't share holly didn't share how he responded
when she said oh no so she did so basically what happened is the the person that kind of disputed
whether it was a date or not um tweeted her saying feeling lucky that none of the people i've texted
for coffee have replied with sos babez babe, I'm taken.
I would have literally taken this to mean coffee, but then I'm old and still get biros
from the bar staff to write blokes numbers on my arm.
So should I be called Sandy?
Possibly.
I think it was.
Was it?
She writes for Independent Voices.
Ah, there you go then.
Okay, yeah.
So that's what she said.
And then Holly replied and said, it was a cold approach from a virtual stranger on Twitter.
Not many ways to take that really. Re really revealed he later confirmed he had asked her out
and she is setting him up wait he had asked me out i'm gonna start that again holly replied it was a
cold approach from his virtual stranger on twitter not many ways to take that really and then and
then she explained that he he revealed to her that he had asked her out and Holly then later set him up with her friend.
Cute.
So quite a happy ending.
All winners here.
Yeah.
Well, I hope it goes well for them.
I hope it's not a dating disaster.
Oh, I see what you did there.
Very good.
These segues, I know.
So, dating disaster of the week.
Thank you for sending this one in.
Here goes.
A few years ago when I was 26, before the age of Tinder,
I met a guy in the pub one night
when we were there with our respective groups of friends.
We snogged, exchanged numbers and arranged to go out
for a first date the following week.
The date started with us meeting once again at the pub.
It was all going fine until his housemates turned up and started making faces at him through the window. They knew
where he was going on the date. I felt like I was on a date with a teenager. He was 26
too. For some reason, I agreed to go back to his house to watch a film. Afterwards,
when we were chatting, we heard whispering and giggling outside the room. His three housemates burst in wearing just their pants and started
wrestling on the floor. The whole thing was completely inexplicable. Oh, and then he accompanied
me home on a longboard. You know, like a skateboard, but longer and infinitely more uncool. Just
awful.
I'm going to take a guess and reckon that that guy and all of his housemates are still single.
I mean, wow!
That is ridiculous.
They're 26 and they're like listening in on the date and breaking in and wrestling on the floor.
It's so childish.
Oh my god, that's the most off-putting thing i mean i mean i would say i
feel really sorry for the guy that his housemates thought it would be so hilarious to try and yeah
they do up yeah but he also took her home on a longboard which i didn't even know i didn't know
that was a thing um just oh god that's just so like house-y. It's just so very embarrassing.
I really, I mean, at 26.
I know.
That is shameful.
We haven't even got there yet.
No.
I haven't had anything that bad.
I meant the age, but yeah.
No, I know.
I mean, I'm younger and I haven't had any experiences of people being extremely childish like that.
Although I did date a guy a year or so ago who explained that when he was at uni, whenever one of his housemates had a girl around, he and his other housemates would like play this like ridiculous playlist of sexy music
outside the room which is like kind of funny but it's quite funny also like i mean incredibly
immature but yes i wonder what was on the sexy playlist i can't remember yeah probably
um but anyway a hilarious story um thank you for sending it in so the next topic we're going to talk about
today is the ick now I think this is so interesting because whenever I've spoken to girlfriends about
getting the ick they all know exactly what what I mean and people say oh yeah yeah the ick oh you've
got the ick oh it sounds like you've got the ick whereas boys are like what the boys don't know what I
mean no boys don't do what I've never heard of boys catching the ick
interesting I don't know maybe they just haven't you know known what it is or
maybe they just don't talk about well I think if they watched Love Island they
would know what it is okay so the ick is not like a new thing,
but I think they spoke about it on Love Island, didn't they?
Yeah, I mean, okay,
I have a dictionary definition from Urban Dictionary.
Okay, we love Urban Dictionary.
We do.
Okay.
You could be on the chirps with a guy or girl.
Everything seems to be going fine.
You think you like them,
but then you suddenly catch the ick.
From then on, you can't look at the person in the same way
you just progressively get more and more turned off by them weirdly and maybe for no reason in
particular you're grossed out by them you'll cringe at the thought of you and them together
nothing will be the same you won't be able to do it any longer and eventually you have to cut it off
i mean i find this so relatable yeah it's very relatable so relatable and. And it's also just very refreshing to know I'm not the only one
because I've had so many occasions where I can be so into a guy,
like really like everything about them,
just want to spend time with them, just want to talk to them.
And then suddenly everything they do drives me crazy.
Yeah.
And they haven't done anything wrong.
Yeah.
Everything that you used to find cute and maybe sexy drives me crazy yeah and they haven't they haven't done anything wrong yeah everything everything
that you used to find cute and maybe sexy now repulses you and makes you recoil and annoys you
and cringes you out what is it about i so i actually think it goes back to what we were saying
in another episode about i think it was the new year's resolution episode when i was saying how i
need to stop thinking about things so much because I project this kind of false reality
of what the person that I'm seeing is like.
And they always end up disappointing me
because they never actually like that.
Because I end up overthinking things and fantasizing
about what that person is and what this relationship could be.
And I think it just goes into that whole idea
of kind of making that person up in
your head before you've got to know them properly so then when you do get to know them properly
you see that they don't live up to you know how you built them up in your head and then they start
to annoy you and then you get the switch and that is what I think the ick is I disagree disagree I
actually don't think the ick is about
finding out when someone isn't who you
think they are. I
just think it's something completely
irrational. I don't know if it comes
down to like
I think it you know
I was going to say I think it always happens in the early
stages of seeing someone.
I agree. I think it does always happen in the early stages.
Because I think if you make it past that stage I don't know if you're gonna get the ick after like a year no because because you know
them well by that point I think I think it happens when you're still getting to know someone yeah
it's just it's kind of like uh this like thing that just comes out of nowhere and you know when
you start dating someone I'm like I really hope I don't get the ick I hope I don't get the ick but the ick might appear you have no control over the ick and then
once you've got the ick can you fight it can you push the ick away so you think it literally just
comes out of thin air I do really I don't think it I don't I just know okay okay no how can it
come out of thin air I don't know exactly but i mean anything can come out of thinner
but i just think there's never not there's never i think there is always a reason as to why you
would suddenly be unattracted to someone you know it could be a little thing that they start doing
that turns you off so like for example it could be they start i don't know maybe talking in a
baby voice or they start
behaving in like a really clingy or needy way maybe they make a sexist joke maybe they do
something during sex that makes you feel really uncomfortable like there's all these things that
you could pinpoint it to and i think trigger yeah there are all these triggers and those triggers
are a sign you know they shock you and they make you recoil because you thought
that person wouldn't do that because in your head they're this perfect person and they don't behave
in that way so when they do it's like oh god this is who you really are and then you get the ick
you know it's funny i remember uh going back to love island montana said about sam she said she'd
got the ick but she was like he's done nothing wrong and she
was like I feel guilty because she didn't know why she didn't like him
anymore and I've definitely had that why I can't even put my finger on what it is
but it's just suddenly like no just not attract not into it not feeling it just
yeah and I sort of like um I for guys if all girls are like this
I'm not saying we're all like this
I'm sure guys get the ick too
they just don't call it the ick
they just say
oh I don't fancy you anymore
so is that what boys sound like?
Oliver
oh right Oliver
like he must be friends with Richard
haven't seen Richard for a while
no he hasn't made an appearance
he'll probably be back sometime soon.
I feel like I'm already sounding a bit more like him.
You are, you're getting there.
Slightly more nasal voice this week.
Yeah, I don't know.
The ick's an interesting one.
I hope neither of us get it anytime soon.
Yeah, I mean, I've definitely had it in the past.
Haven't we all?
Yeah, I think we all have.
I think even guys have.
They just won't call it that.
Maybe they will now.
Yes.
Hello, male listeners.
If you have the ick,
please tell us about it.
Please do.
Please do.
But please also send in
your dating disaster stories.
We always want to hear those.
So if you do have a story to send in,
please email it to us
at millennial.love
at independent.co.uk
or you can tweet them to us i am at rachel underscore hosie and olivia is at olivia petter
one don't worry all stories will be kept anonymous sadly this is all we've got time for for today
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Thanks, guys.
We'll see you next week.
Bye.
Bye.
We'll see you next time.