Love Lives - #25 Sam Thompson joins us to discuss how to meet people in real life and whether lust can grow over time

Episode Date: March 16, 2018

This week on Millennial Love we're joined by Made In Chelsea's newly single Sam Thompson to discuss where - and how - on earth you're supposed to meet a potential romantic partner nowadays when everything seems to happen on apps. We're also pondering whether, for a relationship to be successful, you need to feel overwhelming lust from the very start. Can you grow to fancy someone? Or do you need to want to jump their bones at first sight?Sam, Rachel and Olivia share and compare experiences in an attempt to get to the bottom of the matter.Don't forget to join our Facebook group to stay up to date! https://www.facebook.com/groups/millennial.love/Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/millenniallove. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Can Indigenous ways of knowing help kids cope with online bullying? At the University of British Columbia, we believe that they can. Dr. Johanna Sam and her team are researching how both Indigenous and non-Indigenous youth cope with cyber-aggression, working to bridge the diversity gap in child psychology research. At UBC, our researchers are answering today's most pressing questions. To learn how we're moving the world forward, visit ubc.ca forward happens here. Hello and welcome to Millennial Love, the Independent Lifestyle Desk weekly podcast on love, dating and relationships. Hosted by me, Olivia Petter, Lifestyle Writer. And me, Rachel Hosey, Assistant Lifestyle Desk weekly podcast on love, dating and relationships, hosted by me, Olivia Petter, lifestyle writer, and me, Rachel Hosey, assistant lifestyle editor.

There's no shortage of podcasts out there on the subject of love, but we felt there weren't any that really reflected our own experiences as two single ladies in our 20s navigating the murky waters of dating today. And that's why we decided to launch Millennial Love. This week, we are delighted to welcome reality TV star Sam Thompson, best known for his role on Made in Chelsea, but you may also know him recently from Celebs Go Dating and also Celebrity Big Brother. Sam, welcome! Hello! How are you doing?

I'm really well, thank you. Good. So we've just finished recently watching Celebs Go Dating. Did you enjoy it? It was one of the best things I've ever done really did you enjoy it yeah it was hilarious to watch so funny

a lot of orange people I don't know if that was just the lighting on TV but it was hilarious I love that of all observations you could make I don't know

that really sort of I took that away with me I found a lot of solace in it that even celebrities struggle with dating just as much as us normal folk you dig me.

It's impossible. Well, you know, this is what's so interesting. Obviously, Made in Chelsea, is it series 15 just started? It is, yes. That is also mad, by the way, series 15. First ep came out on Monday and you're newly single in this series. I am indeed, yes. Traversing the murky waters, actually.

Right, they're murky, aren't they? They can't see. How are you finding it? Really different, to be fair. It's a bit, being on Slaves Go Dating and being on Made in Chelsea Single are two completely different things because Slaves Go Dating, they throw you into dates. And Made in Chelsea is

just your life, do you know what I mean? So you've got to throw you into dates yeah and main chelsea is is just your life you know what i mean so you've got to throw yourself into those dates so um you know i haven't been single properly for like three and a half years so it's kind of learning to get back into it and obviously like you know to dating today the culture changes so so quickly and so i feel like if i like it's hard to know even what's going on so when my friends sort of if they come out of long relationships they're suddenly like oh my god how do i use dating apps what do people even what's going on. One of my friends, if they come out of long relationships, they're suddenly like, oh my God, how do I use dating apps? What do people do?

What's the dating etiquette? We live in a very weird time, if you ask me. I wouldn't even know how to answer that if someone was like, what do you do on dating apps? You just swipe. Yeah, largely.

Swipe and put little baits out and try and hope that someone finds. Baits? What's a bait? You know, like when you go fishing. No, but this someone baits what's a bait you know like a when you go fishing no but this was a bit like bait a bait could be like you know we talked about thirst traps oh yeah when you're posting a sexy pic on instagram awesome a lot to learn you need to listen to all our past episodes wait wait quickly what's a thirst trap so a thirst trap is essentially

this is more about what you post on social media. If you post a pic of you looking really sexy or looking really good, but it's usually, it's for one particular person. And that's a thirst trap. When the other person is thirsty, you're going to trap them. But you do it in a tactical way. So maybe you just start following that person

and then you post the sexy pic. So you know they're going to see it. And that'll be the first picture that they see. Sam's face right now. You had no idea. Not a clue, but I'm going to do it tonight. Yeah they're going to see it. And that'll be the first picture that they see. Sam's face right now. You had no idea. Not a clue, but I'm going to do it tonight. Yeah.

We look forward to it. Because there are some thirsty people out there, none of them for Sam. Right. So this week, we are talking about how to meet people in real life

as opposed to online, which is something that Rachel and I both definitely struggle with. And whether you can grow to fancy someone over time or whether you should actually have that kind of lust at first sight feeling and be attracted to them immediately and and yeah whether you should well what we've got written here is whether you should want to jump their bones right away that was my expression it's a really good question that lots to get into but firstly rachel what have you been up to this week so remember last week i said i was really It's a really good question. Lots to get into. But firstly,

Rach, what have you been up to this week? So remember last week, I said I was really close to giving up dating apps. I like fully haven't because I don't know what it is. It's something about of an evening. I just sort of, I'm addicted to swiping.

I'm so addicted to swiping. It's so bad. I just sort of, when I'm bored, I swipe, but then I'm like, Oh, but then I got a match.

I'm like, Oh, maybe this guy's the one I'm like oh but then I got a match I'm like oh maybe this guy's the one I should message him and I said god it's such a faff isn't it though it's such a faff and then do you remember weeks ago I mentioned that guy I went on a date with who threw up on the date that's a fun story for you Sam um and I sort of thought that was just meh okay over it and but he's kind of he went away and now he's back on the scene asking if I want to go out with him again and I think you should what if he's the one but he threw up yeah he was like genuinely ill and he still came on the date which arguably like respect him for that you know he probably like pooed as well just saying he probably didn't just throw up if you're ill it's out both ends

yeah i mean that's really yeah image do you want to go on a second date probably not yeah probably not anymore i don't know i'm just a bit like mad about it but it's okay we'll see i'll keep you posted please do what you've been doing um so i was finally going to go on a date with a guy i've been speaking to on bumble for about six weeks wow he's done going on a date six weeks because i went away in the middle to america and i said yo we probably won't be haven't gone on a date. Six weeks. No, because I went away in the middle to America. And I said, yo, we probably won't be able to go on a date because I'm going away. Anyway, carried on talking. And then finally got around to arranging a date.

He cancelled the day before because he was ill. I was like, okay, fine, he was ill. Then I didn't hear from him for a whole week. And then I messaged him again and said, you know, you feeling better kind of thing. And he was like, hi, I'm'm really sorry but I actually don't think we should go for a drink because I just got out of a relationship

and was this one of the same guy that cancelled the date because it was too late at 8.30 oh yes it was the same guy I spoke about him as well this guy sounds so lame right

yeah so there was one time when we were going to go on a date and I said oh actually I can't do until 8.30 that evening because I'm working late or something he was like

oh that's a bit too late for me how old is he I know 26 oh dear god I know 8.30 that evening because I'm working late or something. He was like, oh, that's a bit too late for me. How old is he? I know. Oh, dear God. I know. 8.30. Come on. I think you're well shot of him.

Yeah. This has been quite the saga for someone you've never met. I know. And now he's given me this whole long message being like, I'm really sorry.

I'm just not over my ex. Like, I don't give a shit. Is this the guy that you said dumped you earlier? No, Sam. Different story. Different story. So many boys? No, Sam, different story, different story So many boys No, I did speak about that on another episode

I have really good luck on the boyfriend which is why we have a podcast all about it Do we have a bio of the week? Right, so bio of the week has been pretty poor, slim picking So this is where we usually share our favourite bio that we've seen

on the week but in the past week but i don't know nothing's really struck us as particularly good no over the past week people have just been giving it the really crappy lines but one thing that i did think was quite funny but this relates to a specific news story which if you didn't read the news story you maybe wouldn't find it funny but here's chris he's 23 and he's written i eat tide pods okay i mean both of you are quiet so yeah i'm gonna be honest he eats ties tied like the laundry detergent thing so i saw this in the news there was this weird trend of people eating these laundry detergents called Tide Pods. Why? I know. I don't fully know why. But even I was aware that that was going on and I still don't find that an even remotely amusing bio.

Well, it's just quite original. Does anyone know? Do you know? Why they eat the Tide Pods? That's one to Google. Because people are strange? That's one to Google. I don't know.

So you think, oh, that's quite witty. Does that mean you're going to slide in or no? Did you swipe right? I swiped right, yeah. Really? Just for the banter? Just for originality, yeah. I just think I'm so sick of seeing people being like,

oh my God, I just love to eat and drink and swim. Did you smash? I can't remember. I'll check. That's a no. I actually can't remember. Too many boys. It's hard to remember.

Am I right? Too many men. All right. And so many men. What app are you on? Bumble. That was Bumble. It's hard to remember. Am I right? Too many men. All right. And so many men. What app are you on? Bumble. That was Bumble. It's the one, isn't it?

Yeah. It's both our preferred apps, to be honest. Do you use dating apps? I've used Badoo and Bumble before. But I mean, how do you find that? Because surely people will recognize you, right? Surely people are like, oh my God, I've seen you on the telly. You see, annoyingly, this is what i put it down to anyway when when there's a girl

that i i think is like incredible because it's all basically vanity as well because because you don't know what their personality is like so if you see someone they're like oh my god that is my future wife and then you just write right yeah and they don't match you that i put it down to oh they they think it's just a a doppelganger they don't think it, I put it down to, oh, they think it's just a doppelganger. They don't think it's me. It's someone just pretending to be me. Or a fake account. Yeah, of course.

It's not the real Sam Thompson. Probably not what it is. But yeah, I actually, I've used it for a while, but I feel like it becomes so saturated now. Everyone uses it. So is it becoming a bit of a Tinder where it's just hook up now?

Well, this is the thing, and this brings us quite nicely onto our first main topic of discussion, which is how to meet someone in real life, or IRL, as the kids say. Wow. I know. 25 or 19, do you know what I mean? I know the youth speak. So here's the thing.

I find that it's rare nowadays. i'm if i'm talking to someone i'm like oh how did you meet your boyfriend how did you meet your girlfriend and if they say it was in the pub or it was at a party or it was through friends or something that wasn't a dating app i'm surprised what do you guys think i mean i'm not surprised but like i maybe i am surprised actually no because normally it's people that, most of my friends, it's like, I will know who they're dating, so they're probably hooked up on a night out or something,

and they're like, oh, should we actually keep this going? And then, boom, you're in a relationship. Then it's marriage. But I've got mates who are engaged, and I'm 25 and single. Same! 23, I've got friends who are engaged and having babies. Do you feel like this is the generation thing,

where I feel like, because my parents are like dude chill out like wait till you're sort of like early 30s maybe and and i'm panicking because i see sort of like jim bob down the road and and and he as you say he's 25 he he has a a little i think it's a site no they haven't said the sex yet but he's got a child on the way he's engaged and and he's my age, and I don't understand that. Is everyone trying, is it the cool, not the cool thing, but is it like the thing to do now, to do it early? Do you know what I've realised? And this is very much a sort of within the past six months or so,

and it's actually my half-birthday scene, so this is exactly 25 and a half. No one has a half-birthday. Well, I'm having a half-birthday party 25 and a half no one has a half birthday well i'm having a half birthday party with a half a birthday cake yes i'm that extra a half a friend to turn up no maybe half the amount of normal friends that would come i'm not going jim bob will be there i'm telling out from down the road uh i just really like partying okay anyway what was i saying about that oh yes what I was saying was,

within the past six months or so, it's really seemed like me and my friends, our lives have started moving at very different speeds. Suddenly, a lot of them are moving in with their girlfriends and boyfriends. They're buying houses. It suddenly got really serious. And the other half of us are sort of still

very young at heart, very single, very living our best lives, staying out too late, possibly drinking too much, like definitely still living with flatmates. And the lives are just going in very different directions. And it's really interesting. That is interesting. The thing with me is as well, I've got friends who are buying places with their girlfriends and stuff, but I'm about to move in with two of my mates. And that's probably going to be like a couple of years. So I'm still going to live with my pals. Is that lame?

Or is that, am I not mature enough at 25? I mean, I always thought that things would start later now. Now that we have dating apps and people are kind of embracing that culture a bit more than they would have done previously when they would have rushed to kind of couple off more i thought that people would stay single for longer and i think in general they are but obviously you are going to have those anomalies who are going to be a bit more like all of our friends the anomalies we just we are the anomalies we're the only ones also I thought because everyone's now vegan

and going to Bali for Instagram pics I would have thought that they would be like oh I want to be single and live the life as you say no no no

they'll have to cow with Park for a marriage oh it's so nice though it is lovely isn't it yeah it's lovely I do really want to go to weddings though

I love weddings yeah I'm actually really excited I don't want it to be my wedding but I want to go to other people's weddings what are your best mate so you can cry in the corner and say it's not you just get really drunk no hook up with the best man yeah exactly anyway

we've gone like slightly off topic that was interesting that's slightly related because what i was going to say about meeting people in real life is i think the way it's portrayed in popular culture in films and tv shows just doesn't happen so the way people meet people in films first of all people never meet people on apps and films example stage yet so often people are in bars on their own people do not go to bars on their own that's true that's the first thing second thing is the whole meet cute thing that happens in rom-coms where there's something like the holiday yeah it's from the holiday but it's like an incident where i don't know two people are in the supermarket and they

both reach for the same brand or you literally physically bump into someone or some sort of cute way of meeting just yeah something like that that just doesn't happen oh the thing is though that does happen with someone i'm suddenly like oh my god this is it and then it's like yeah i'm going actually home to my girlfriend and now i'm okay fine bye but i don't know there's this there's this idea that you know you'll meet someone in a bar and like you know the if you want to be quite backwards and traditional the stereotype would be that a man would like send a woman a drink do you know what i mean and like hey pretty lady oh god that'd be so cringe have you ever done that have um no you have you know what i actually i have in the past um because i i really struggle as you say i struggled to to go and speak to someone face to face but

that is actually funny enough is what celebs go dating has taught me personally that it's okay um i think 70 of people that you approach in a bar you will get rejected and that's so scary though yeah but i think once you get over that fear then i think you are going to hook up with a lot more people that are uh uh uh more vibey with you because you've you've gone through so many other people. Do you know what I mean? We're waiting for that one person. Then we're going to go over to them. They'll probably reject us.

Do you know what I mean? Because we're waiting for that one person that we think won't reject us. But if we go to everyone that we think is hot or we think looks nice or is laughing at the other side of the bar and if you keep doing it,

then you're probably going to meet more people. That's what they what the agent says to me anyway so how um how would you react if say you're out with your mates and some girl comes over to you and tries to start chatting you up what what what does she look like in the least okay so yeah you way no fair enough because in that in that scenario what else are you meant to judge i don't know your personality and this is the thing actually i feel like you know women always say if it's a guy they don't fancy that comes up to them they're like oh my god he's such

a creep like leave me alone if it's a guy they fancy then it's like yay this is great so true but i think there's different ways to look at it look at it because rarely does someone physically walk up to a guy or girl that they find attractive when they're in a group of their friends and like interrupt a conversation

to be like hi I'm so and so you'd have to have yeah exactly I'm sorry Marianne you're going to have to just stop what you're saying

quickly I need to talk to your friend who I think is really hot I think you know what you can kind of do if you try and

engineer it right say you're at the bar like physically trying to get a drink at the bar with a friend and then if someone can sort of sidle up next to you and make conversation somehow i tried to do this a few weeks ago it didn't work but that is what i would advise this sort of happened to me on saturday actually oh yeah because i asked rachel i asked rachel this earlier i was like when was the last time you were like approached on a night out because i literally can't remember the last time it happened to me. And she was like, Saturday.

Can I just quickly say that I really like the fact you guys are going and approaching people. Because from my experience, it's always the guy who goes up to the girl. And it's petrifying. If one of you two came up to me, I would love it. I'm going to be honest. It's so nice, though. It's hard. As you guys now know, you're in the game. It's hard. It's so nice though. It's hard. As you guys now know, you're in the game.

It's hard. It's so terrifying. It's a war zone out there. I know. And the thing is, I do think because of dating apps, it sort of makes people less confident to go up to someone in person because it's so much easier to hide behind a screen as well. You know, on a dating app, you're going to match with someone

and then know that they fancy you, at least a bit. Whereas in person, you have no idea. You can try and see if there's vibing eye contact. You know that vibing? So I think eye contact is the right swiping in real life. Interesting. Interesting theory.

Thanks, Sam. I really like that. Because that's how you can tell when some, I think, when someone is interested in you, Because that's how you can tell when some, I think, when someone is interested in you, even if it's not like sustained eye contact, if someone keeps catching your eye. Someone's doing that in the gym today and she was really fit.

There you go. Oh, my God. I didn't want to go over because... No, you have to be careful in the gym because on the whole, I think most women don't love being chatted up in the gym. I don't know. I had a bit of a shock in the gym. I'm going to tell you a little story.

It's very quick. So it's not like i've bigged it up now but basically because girls don't like being chatted up in the gym um i i felt like we were glancing at each other we're looking at each other so i went to the reception guy i was like that girl over there don't know her name actually before that uh i went to get a bottle of water from the machine from the vending machine and she uh was walking past me and i stepped in to make my first joke because that's how i start basically because because i i the looks i don't think do it so i go in with a joke and i went i said so i went and then she just carried on walking oh no past my face and it's because she had headphones in but people saw

me literally because I like bounced in front of her hey and she just carried on walking and the receptionist saw me

and I went to her and he went that was bad and I went no no she had her headphones in mate don't worry it's all good

she had them in don't worry look mate what I'm going to do is I'm going to write my number I'm crying it's emotional what I'm going to do is I'm going gonna write my number on a piece of paper and i'm gonna give it to you

and you just give it to her and then you know when i come back in or whatever and you know maybe she'll give me a call and i came back in like two weeks later i was like didn't get a call mate when i gave it to her no message so she probably did see me try and sort of pounce on her and make a shitty shitty. I was like, nah. Yeah, she always said nah. Do you know what though? I think you did that in not a bad way. Because when I've been in the gym before, I remember there was

once, there was just like me and this one other girl in the weight room. And the weight room is nearly all men. And there was this girl there who was just trying to do her thing, trying to work out. And this one guy would not leave her alone. And I was sort of watching it. I having a rest you know what i mean you gotta have some rest time in the gym haven't you um and i was just sort of watching it and sort of thinking like does this girl actually need saving all the guys around were completely oblivious to what was going

on and like she like wasn't really making conversation and was just like being civil what were they doing he just kept being like, you look like you're in really good shape. Blah, blah. I know. And I was like, oh, you must work out a lot. Blah, blah. And she just clearly wasn't into it. The thing is, I just think it's a case of

whether it's in the gym or elsewhere, you've got to pick up the vibe. If you are vibing with someone in the gym first or whatever, have a chat. You know, maybe that's a cute meet-cute. You both reach for the same 20 kg dumbbell. You know, that's a lovely story. But if it's, you just got to pick up the vibe.

I do think some meet cutes do happen. Like, for example, one of my best friends, she was getting with this guy in the summer and things kind of fizzled and they didn't see each other again for ages. Then six months later, they bumped into each other on a bus like cute cute i love that turns out they live really close to each other love it fast forward another six months

and now they're together and they're really happy and that was a totally spontaneous real life meeting this is marriage and dying together it might be it might be i mean the last time i spoke to her i asked her how it was going she's's like, I want to sew myself into him. I was like, okay. Wow, that's getting real Texas Chainsaw Massacre on there. Interesting. Can't say I've ever had those intense feelings. No, neither have I. Well, I had when I got dumped, actually.

Interestingly enough, because obviously the attraction becomes tenfold when you get dumped. You're like, I would literally live in your pocket. Oh, it's the classic when someone doesn't want you. like I would literally live in your pocket oh it's the classic when someone doesn't want you yeah

savage why do we work like that why are humans wired like that I don't know you always want what you can't have yeah

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Stay in the know. CBC News. Anyway, shall we do our datingating Disaster of the Week? Yes. Okay, thanks so much for sending this one in. It's quite a longy, but it's a very good one. So sit back, relax and enjoy. Hi, Olivia and Rachel.

I have a disaster date story for you. Before I share it, I'd just like to say thanks for doing such a stellar job with the podcast. I write to you from Melbourne where I recently started working from home and I've since become podcast obsessed. I'm always lolling away to millennial love. I can relate to so much of it as someone who has recently began dating for maybe the first

time in my life, which segues nicely into my disaster date tale. And that's where she did a winky emoji. Haha. Okay. I arrived in Australia after a few months travelling around Asia. Prior to my adventure, I'd broken up with my boyfriend of over five years. I entered that relationship at the start of my 20s, so I'd never really got on board with the whole dating scene prior to that.

Naturally, there was a fair bit of gallivanting in Asia. I've always been what my friends and I describe as men mad. But alasas no dates. Anyway along the way I downloaded tinder which I discover is great fun altogether but it's not until I get to Australia that I actually seriously consider meeting up with someone. So I'm tindering away in Oz and I match with this guy that appears to be nothing short of dreamy and he's keen to meet. I should say that there are a few warning signs, namely that he seemed to have a bit of an obsession with Alicia Vikander. No shade on her, she's gorge,

but I definitely look nothing like her. And don't put it all over your bio, which is a bit weird. Also, when I creeped on his Facebook, he only had 70 friends. Not that how many connections you have on social media should serve as an indicator of how you fit in the world, but still, strange to have so few. So I'm pretty stoked for this date and trying to pretend to my friends that I'm not anxious, even though I totally am. But they can obviously tell, so they drop me off at the pub. I go in and have a bit of a mosey round trying to spot him, but there's no sign of him. So I grab a drink and text him to say I've arrived. He says he's running a few minutes late as he fell asleep. I say no worries and ask what he's drinking.

He arrives after about 15 minutes, and while he looks like his pictures, he's a little shorter than I expected. We do the introductions, and straight away I pick up on the fact that he's pretty nervous. He was struggling to make eye contact contact which is always a bad sign. Within the first 15 minutes I knew that I would much rather be at home. Such a nightmare. He started off by telling me that he was originally from another city and he was basically being held in the city we were in against his will. When I asked why he told me he was recently divorced. He had three children ranging from one to five and his ex-wife was a whore who wouldn't let him leave. I know.

This isn't even over yet. While it didn't bother me massively that he had an ex-wife and children, it did bother me that he looked at me for a reaction when he imparted this information. He then asked if we could move bars because the one we were in was a shithole. At this point, I really wanted to go but felt it was too soon. Why do we do this to ourselves?

Very cat person, that. Yeah, not knowing when you can leave. Anyway, I go on. Sorry, sorry. He asked if we could go and check on his truck, which he'd parked down a very dark lane. I don't know why I agreed to this, but I did. Then after much debate and wandering around looking for a bar he thought was cool enough, we landed in another spot.

He also told me that he only liked to date European girls, as all Australian girls were sluts and all they wanted was dick. Throughout the fairly one-sided conversation, he managed to weave in all the activities he had planned for us in future. Not long after the slut comment, I made my excuses. He then tried to insist on dropping me home, regardless of the fact he'd had a number of drinks. I assured him I needed the exercise and was happy to walk. When we were saying goodbye, he went in for the kiss and I gave him the cheek.

He texted me later that night to say he'd had a good time and to let him know if I wanted to meet again. I bowed out graciously and was clear that that was not on the cards thankfully this experience has not put me off dating and I've since actually become a bit of a serial dater the only problem is I sometimes think bang average dates are better than they actually are as I have this one to measure them against I mean

I feel like there are so many so many parts of that that make you want to go oh my god particularly Australian girls are all sluts and all they want is dick yeah what the fuck is that i mean how old is he she didn't say but it's already got three children and an ex-wife the way the way it's like written and the way that i imagine it i can't imagine he's over 30 yeah it, it's strange. It's very strange behaviour, isn't it? But I think this date is a prime example

of how a date can be one-sided. From her point of view, he did all these things that were no-nos, but he was still trying to kiss her and wanting to go out again. And it's just, you know, I've had dates before where within half an hour I've been like, I want to leave.

And the guy asked me out on a second date. Same, actually. I've had that before and I'm'm like how did you think that was a good date like there was no chemistry like it was so boring do you know honestly I always feel like oh you can tell when there's a spark it's always mutual but actually then it makes me think like when I'm sort of trying to dissect things after and I'm like but we had such a nice time and then you didn't want to see me again clearly it's not it's not mutual that's what i got in trouble quite a lot of on um on celebs because i said yes to the second date i didn't want the second day right do you know okay so this is what my main problem is and it might help you guys a little bit as well or anyone out there because if you don't if you if you're not vibing someone you

you both seem like really nice people so i guarantee you're not ruthless enough i guarantee like you're like me basically where i i would i don't want the second date but i want to make sure they have the nicest night possible yeah and what that can do is it leads them to believe that you like them and then that's fine but then when, oh, do you want to go on a second date? Don't say yes. Oh my God, Sam. Even if you think no. I did this recently.

You're so right. I always used to do it. Well, you know what? I was in the most awkward situation because I wanted to leave and I was trying to make excuses to leave, but I was being really bad at it. I kept agreeing

because he kept going, are you sure you don't want another drink? And I kept being like, okay, even though I didn't want another drink. Then you get hammered and you still don't want to be there. You tired and then he was like yeah he was he asked me in person if i wanted to go on a second date and i didn't but i couldn't say no to his face in person it's quite hard it's quite savage yeah like you know if he'd asked me on message

afterwards i would have you know popped him off a bit you know nicely but said no but in person how did you say yes? I said, yeah, that sounds nice. I'll probably have to check my diary. But it sounds nice. Do you know what I mean? I literally go, yes, and let's get married and have kids. I'm the worst.

And then I'll get back to the agency and they'll be like, do you want to date me again? I'm like, no. I'm OK, thanks. You tell them. Let them know. No, but that's the thing. That's where you have to grow up.

Because then they go, you call them and then you have to speak to them and then their face, it was a FaceTime and you see their faces drop. I had to, I had to dump, you didn't actually see all of this

on one of the episodes but it was longer than it got cut into but the first girl that I went on a date with, I did this like T-Rex impression stuff and I thought, I thought I bogged it basically

and she was like, do you want to go on second day i said yes and then we got back to thing and i was like i don't really want to i don't think we were vibing in terms of like personality and stuff and uh they were like well you gotta tell her my worst nightmare is letting people down it's horrid i hate it so i phoned her up and i just started waffling and stuff they were like come on hurry up i was like okay so look i just don't know if we're compatible blah blah i don't think we should date and she and I just started waffling and stuff. They were like, come on, hurry up. And I was like, okay. So I went, look, I just don't know if we're compatible.

I don't think we should date. And she was like, I could see her face on the FaceTime going, oh. And then I panicked and went, well, you know what? But we had a really good time, actually. And maybe after we date a few other people, we can get together in the future. I do this too. But then, and I thought, and then her face lit up. Okay, well, we'll message in a couple of future. I do this too. But then, and I thought, and then she went, and then her face lit up.

Okay, well, we'll message in a couple of weeks. I went, great. The future being a couple of weeks. Yeah, well, yeah. I put the phone down, I went, brilliant. Done and dusted. And the manager went,

are you kidding me? They were like, how dare you treat one of our clients like that? And I was like, what have I done wrong? They made me call her again on FaceTime and be like, I'm going to be honest with you. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it i didn't mean it i don't want to take you again i actually don't want i i don't i don't even really think we should be mates because we don't even know each other anyway like her face the the poor girl and that is what made me never do that again because it well i did do it a few

times after that but like it it it resounded in my head that i shouldn't do that and uh and i put the phone down i did feel better for it afterwards actually enough funny enough because you got ripped the band-aid off once you ripped it off there's no distrust yeah it's like breaking up with someone it's you know how honest do you be how much honesty is the best policy by the way don't you dare tell me that you want to go and just focus on yourself all right i'm just really busy with my career that does not mean anything yeah tell me that i'm a knob sorry no but no but you don't mean that because like when i've like ended things with guys before i've sort of you know tried to let them down gently because i've just felt like

if i told them the actual truth it would have. Don't, it's so see-through. It's even worse. You're now lying to me. Just be honest and be like, look, I don't feel the attraction anymore. Or I think that we're going down different paths. So brutal. Yeah, but do you know what? Brutality is the best.

Do you know what the worst thing for me was? Getting over my ex. Trying to figure out what I did wrong. Yeah. That was the worst. That's really true, actually. And I never got the closure. And I just didn't

know and i was just sitting there going is it because i did that maybe if i did that differently but and each thing you just said look these are the reasons i don't love you anymore we're not going to be together but this is why and what led me to feel like it would crush me but i would know yeah that's actually a very valid point that's so rare though i never i don't hear any stories of people being like well i broke up with this person or this person broke up with me because of X, Y and Z. But it's fine. I'm okay because I know why. No, of course.

I wish it happened that way. Half and half though maybe. Do you know what I mean? Like not just the blatant, I want to work on myself. That means zero to me. It means nada. So yeah, I think honesty in all things,

whether you're dumb people or whether you just don't want to go on a second date or whether you're not vibing anything, like honesty is the best policy. I'm saying this. I really, really struggle at it. Well, you know, we're all working on ourselves, aren't we? So we're going to try and get better at this.

Yeah. All right. So from ending things to starting things. Okay, let's talk about whether you should really fancy someone as soon as you start seeing them and there should be this overwhelming lust or as I say,

you should want to jump their bones. Or, do you know, this is so interesting. This is what my flatmates say to me when I start seeing a new guy. They go, but does he have the throw down factor? And the first time I was like,

well, exactly. It is. It's whether you want him to throw you down on the bed i do i do always ask my friends that when they first start so not in those terms but i always say can you imagine having sex this is it like are you meant to like fully really be you always ask me that actually yeah because i think it's really important if you don't have sexual chemistry from the outset okay but, but wait, before you go into it, like, what I'm, we just, like, so, essentially, it is, do we need to fancy someone,

or is that something that can grow once you start dating someone? If you like their personality, does it matter if you're not like, oh my God, I fancy them so much from the start? Is it okay if that then grows? Well, I might, I have, I do have an opinion on this.

Go on. I think that it does grow into something, and it can grow into something beautiful. I think that it does grow into something and it can grow into something beautiful. I think that lust always goes at some point in a relationship. It does. Trust me. After like three and a half years,

past the three year mark, you're lucky if you do it once a week. I'm not even joking. Like it's, that could just be me, but no, I've got mates who are the same as that as well. And then it becomes companionship

and it becomes, they're your best mate. And then there's all these other things that you've got to consider about spending the future with someone. In my opinion, I think that you can grow into, sex is never bad.

Do you know what I mean? Like, unless you're going, and you wouldn't, but you would also never, well, I don't think so. Sometimes I'm concerned. I'm like, was I bad? I don't know.

No, no, no. I could be very bad, but it doesn't feel bad to me. So, like, unless you're going out, I believe, with someone who... You would never do that. You'd never go out with someone that really turns you off anyway.

So you're going out with someone that relatively turns you on to really turn you on. No, but sometimes you might go out with someone and be like, he's a really nice guy and he's really funny and we get on, but I don't know if I fancy him.

Yeah, but you can grow into that because he could be an absolute dynamo in bed. But you have to, I feel like you have to really want that. I am quite impatient, I think. When it comes to this because I

I'm trying to think of a good way to say this without coming across in a bad light. In my experience, I always... I think it's too late, babes. Just say it. In my experience, I always really fancy someone from the get-go. Either, and you know, that does, that grows. Shall I just leave you two right here?

That can grow or it can change, but it's always there from the beginning on some level. God, do all girls think that? I don't know, but for me, but it's always there from the beginning on some level. God, do all girls think that? I don't know, but for me, if it's not there from the beginning, why waste my time? Isn't there like a three-second rule which girls have where they're like, I know within three seconds whether I want to hook up with them or not?

They say that. I would say yes, but not everyone else would. No, no, because I personally have found myself growing to fancy friends once I realise we really get on or, you know, we just have such a good time together or they're so funny and actually they make me laugh. And that definitely can happen. However, what seems to happen with me is I date lovely guys

that are really good and, you know, husband material and will treat me well and are nice. Yeah, I date ones that treat me very and are nice. Yeah, I don't want them to treat me very badly. That's the difference, yes. But then what always, what often sort of gets in the way for me is the fact that I realise I don't fancy them enough.

And then the ones I do really fancy are probably dicks, to be honest. Yeah, the problem is finding the balance, finding a lovely soul who you also, the problem is really that the really good looking ones can get quite a lot of girls. And they have. Likewise, the really good looking girls can get a lot of guys.

Exactly. The problem is, this is why I look at Mike. I always say this back to my dating experience. Mucky Mike. I look at Mike and I go, everyone has a go at the kid. But if you get 100% of the girls you go for, why would you try? Yeah.

He probably has never had to try before. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? So these guys, the better looking ones, they know they can. So they sit there and they're like, well, you know, what have you got to bring me to the table? But the other people are literally just like,

the me's, are basically... Sam, stop being modest. But we try. Do you know what I mean? Because we're like we we're gonna get someone anyone this is my 17th christmas that i've come without anyone that's literally my future um he's getting pissed in the corner with with wicked uncle mark sounds like a great christmas that is always how it happens i don't know I think I would just really really love to

meet someone that you know I mean is it just am I just being too picky by saying why can't I wait to meet someone that I fancy the pants off and that we get on really well and they're funny and just why why does it have to be looks or personality? Is there not both? Or it's not even like a looks thing because it's not like I'm dating bad looking guys. It's sort of the spark in the sexual chemistry. Yeah, it's how you vibe off each other. It's how you... Energy.

Yeah, it's just a feeling. I'm not necessarily going for like the best looking guys in the world. I'm saying I'm a leech. What's your type? What's your type, quickly? After you. Okay. best looking guys in the world. I'm saying I'm a leech. You know what I'm saying? What's your type? What's your type, quickly? Ooh. After you.

Okay. Well, I don't know if I have a type because my type's always been shit. So I... What's your normal type that's shit? Okay, my normal type that is shit is tall with dark hair and quite...

Unlucky, isn't it? I am struck off those days. Quite creative. But an arsehole a game is that is that creative

I can play a game of FIFA pretty well okay okay that's a point

I guess I usually I'm not fussy about hair colour I'm not I'm not really fussy

I'm just saying that's like yeah your ideal yeah yeah that's usually

what I've gone for but it's not working I usually don't go for like, massive bricked guys. I quite like lean but also with some muscle. No, I don't like big guys that look like they could crush me. Sam's looking at his muscles. Oh, God. And do you know what? I'm really not sure I have a type. My friends always used to say that they would see me with like a tall, blonde German man called Hans.

That's who they always say I'm going to be. With a big sausage. I mean, I'm partial to sausage. Wearing a lederhosen. Oh, a man in lederhosen. Woo! Go weak at the knees, honestly. Oktoberfest killed me when I went to Munich.

Yeah. Let's explore that. Very much into that, to be honest. I'm not either of your ideal men. Brilliant. I mean, as we said, we don't really have types. Okay, fair. You have to tell us your type now.

Well, I would say that I've always said I'm a dark-haired person, but I always end up with blondes. Yeah, that's interesting, that. I really, really, really want a brunette girlfriend, though, weirdly, because I've only ever ended up with blondes and it never works out. How much does hair take? No, no, I know, but I've never actually gone out

with a brunette before. That is interesting, though, if you say... Because I would say my type is dark hair, but I've really fancied blonde guys or dated. I don't think anyone really has a looks type. I have more of a personality type. I think I do. I think I've got like sort of darker skin maybe as well.

And or I could either have piercing blue eyes or really, really deep brown eyes. Well, I like a brown eye. I love a deep brown eye. Actually, you're a blue eye. I do know what you mean on the, yeah, good eyes. A deep brown actually would probably take the blue eyes though for me because I love a deep brown eyes. Well, like a brown eye. I love a deep, a deep brown. Actually, you're a blue eye. I do know what you mean on the, yeah, good eyes. A deep brown actually would probably take

the blue eyes though for me because I love a deep brown. Quite like green eyes. And not too tall. To all the eyes. Not too tall. Green eyes are very, very rare actually.

Yeah, I know. But yeah, I feel like smaller than me so I'm like five, eight and a half. So I'd have to say probably smaller than me. Do you know what's so funny?

They suddenly show that you go for someone who looks like your opposite sex parent oh that's so creepy that's so Oedipus it's weird isn't it oh my god my mum's got brown hair and is she smaller than you

and brown eyes and she's smaller than me I'm not saying you want to date your mum I'm just saying maybe you're influenced by that. Oh. Go for the blonde. Maybe that's a good note to wrap things up, guys, before we all start thinking in this way and force.

That is it for today. Thank you so much, everyone, for listening. Please subscribe, rate, and review us on iTunes. This helps other people discover the podcast and makes us very happy.

And please keep sending us your dating disasters and dilemmas. You can email them at millennial.love at independent.co.uk or tweet us at Rachel underscore Hosey and Olivia Petter one and all stories will be kept anonymous. You can also contact us by joining our Facebook group

and this is where we discuss topics from the podcast, news from the dating world and we ask you guys questions because we love feedback so to join you just have to go to facebook.com forward slash groups forward slash millennial dot love sam thanks so much for joining us thank you so much for having me it's been actually really fun i want to carry on i know we always say this like we could chat forever we could make it like a 24 hour live podcast. Too much? Maybe a little. We'll think about it. Thanks everyone for listening

and bye! Can indigenous ways of knowing help kids cope with online bullying? At the University of British Columbia, we believe that they can. Dr. Johanna Sam and her team are researching how both Indigenous and non-Indigenous youth cope with cyber-aggression, working to bridge the diversity gap in child psychology research. At UBC, our researchers are answering today's most pressing questions. To learn how we're moving the world forward, visit ubc.ca forward happens here.