Love Lives - #26 Period sex and sleeping with someone new for the first time

Episode Date: March 23, 2018

This week the Millennial Love ladies are joined by sex educator, broadcaster and all round sexpert, Alix Fox for our sexiest episode yet.First, we discuss the contentious issue of period sex. Why is it taboo? And is it actually more of an issue for men or women?We also ponder the etiquette of sleeping with someone new for the first time, with Olivia, Rachel and Alix revealing what they do to prep if they think they might be out to get lucky. Is it better to go to their place or yours? Should you settle for less than awesome sex if it's the first time? There are so many issues to overthink.Don't forget to join our Facebook group to stay up to date! https://www.facebook.com/groups/millennial.love/Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/millenniallove. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like, and now that's what my grandma's on. Thank God phone a friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Hello and welcome to Millennial Love,

the Independent Lifestyle Desk weekly podcast on love, dating and relationships. Hosted by me, Rachel Hosey, Assistant Lifestyle Editor. And me, Olivia Petter, Lifestyle Writer. There are endless podcasts out there on dating, but we didn't feel any of them really reflected our own experiences as two single ladies in our 20s navigating the murky waters of dating today. And that's why we decided to launch Millennial Love. This week we are thrilled to welcome journalist, broadcaster and sex educator Alex Fox. Welcome Alex. Hello my

love. I hope you're feeling so joyous today that it's like you ate a bowl of Amusely for your breakfast. I love that. Amusely. I've never heard that before. Makes me think of my friends where Monica serves a channel on Amuseboosh and he goes it is a moosing I'd like to see an a moose boosh crossed with a mighty boosh I think that would be my ideal kind of dinner party snack

very good mashup that very good mashup anyway we're thrilled to have you Livy how's your week been? my week's been good I basically announced

on the podcast that I was going on a dating sabbatical a few weeks ago it has been short lived I am back on the apps I'm going on dates dating sabbatical a few weeks ago. It has been short-lived. I am back on the apps. I'm going on dates.

I'm getting back out there. Your butt is off the sabbatical and back in the dating sabbatical. Sabbatical, yeah. Very good wordplay. Very good. I'm very impressed. I'm a fan of a pun. It's almost like punterettes with me. They come out even before I've decided they're going to happen.

This is going to be fun, isn't it? It might be one of the reasons I'm single, be honest oh no if a guy doesn't appreciate a pun that's not good what about you buns guns bring them on oh they're so many of them uh it was interesting you mentioned the dating sabbatical thing because I've decided I'm going to do dating app free April I'm going to try and give up dating apps for April but yeah so what's been happening over the past week so remember the I've mentioned this before the guy i went on a date with and he threw up on the date and then he's still messaging me and i thought i'd successfully fizzled him out by like gradually just i didn't want to really tell him i didn't want to go out with him again

i just sort of was hoping i could just sort of gradually reply so and so until he got the hint and i thought he got the hint but then he messaged again so now i'm like how do i play this now and then i've heard so also harking back to a few weeks ago you may recall uh listeners who are very loyal may recall i dated a guy for i went on three dates with him and then decided he was a fuck boy well it had been two weeks since that all fizzled out now that did fizzle orle, or so I'd thought. And then I decided, you know what? Fuck it, I'm just going to message him. So I messaged him being like, I've just kind of been wondering what happened here.

And he went, yeah, I was actually wondering the same thing too, actually. It seems like we both went quiet after that night. And I said, well, I got the impression you weren't so keen anymore. And he said, get ready for this. And I quote, ha ha, yeah, well, I guess it impression you weren't so keen anymore. And he said, get ready for this. And I quote, Haha, yeah, well, I guess it is what it is. Makes no sense. But then followed with,

but hey, how have you been? What have you been up to? Anything exciting? That's why he's a fuckboy. He's still a fuckboy. I feel like this is classic fuckboyery. My brow is so furrowed right now. I feel like if I rubbed my finger against it, it would make a percussive sound.

That is deeply unclear. Right? Yeah. So confusing. I've got tights that are less opaque than that statement. That's so deeply aggravating. I think I'm coming out in a rash. I'd be really put off by that.

Either you're into seeing somebody or you're not. I don't understand why people play those games because they're not even fun. Why not just state what it is that you want? You know, if you want to be friends, fine. If you want to go on another date now. Exactly. It's the most mixed of signals.

So I think I need to just sort of leave it. It's a waste of your time. Yeah. Alas, we move on. We move on. So we want to kick off today with talking about this very interesting super drug survey. Actually I should probably caveat this whole episode of saying this is a very sexy episode. It's going to be all about sex, all the juicy good stuff and we know Alex is going to be our perfect guest for this. Well, I am up to my elbows in sex, like a vet is usually up to his elbows in cow, or her elbows in cow.

I guess a lot of listeners won't have heard of me. Yeah, do you want to tell the listeners a bit more about yourself? I'll try and keep it as short and sweet as possible. I work as an ambassador for young people's sexual health charity, Brooke. I represent a number of sexual health brands like One Condoms and Sex But Superdrug. I write for a load of different publications. I am an in-house agony on on a podcast called The Modern Man. And I am also about to start a sex, a very graphic sex comedy show

with BBC Radio 1 called Unexpected Fluids. Can't wait for that. I'm really excited for that. Thanks. I basically spend so much of my time talking about other people's genitals that I barely have time for my own, really. Oh, shame.

You've got to prioritise your own as well. I should. I'll give my flump, my foof, more love in the future. So, okay, so this is really interesting, the fact that you've got to prioritize your own as well i should i'll give my flump my foof more love in the future so okay so this is really interesting the fact that you've just mentioned those lovely words because we want to kick off with talking about um this really funny super drug survey which found out the nation's most used names for sex now i'm gonna run through these number one hanky pank. We've all heard that. I don't use it myself.

I don't use it. I think it's a bit middle-aged. I'm surprised it's the most common. I agree. It's a bit a generation gone by. The survey, I think, chatted to about 2,000 Brits of quite a wide age group. So yeah, it might have been the slightly more ancient ones.

Hanky-panky reminds me of Madonna. Yeah. Because of the song in which she references that phrase well that's interesting because number two is getting lucky which just makes me think of that song get lucky yeah daft punk again i don't think i would use that word unless you get lucky it's just trying to be ironic number three fooling around see that to me just think that that doesn't necessarily mean sex you can fool around with someone and it's not sex canoodling exactly fumbling well this is a bit like number four special hugs i think number four i think some of these may have been um answers given by parents when they were talking about

the codes words that they used in front of children that makes sense and when i was chatting about this uh online recently someone said, I think it's disgraceful. Adults should use the proper clinical terms for sexual parts and sexual behavior in front of their children and teach them the correct terminology. I totally agree with that. But I also don't think that every time parents or indeed any adult want to sort of flirt with each other and try and maintain their relationship. I don't think everything has to be a teaching moment for their kids. It suddenly turned into a lesson on loving when really they just wanted to buff each other. Yeah, exactly. It's not always sexy, is it? OK, so here's the number five in this list.

I've literally never heard and I don't even understand. How's your father? Now, that is old. I'll come for a little bit of how's your father. It's creepy, though, isn't it? Is that how you use that in a sentence? If you say anything in that kind of voice, it could mean sex. That is my sex voice.

Seductive, really. Come into my bedroom. Have a look at me couch. Again, this may be why I'm single how's your father I'm still baffled by it anyway

I don't know where that phrase comes from I'm not sure of the etymology of it I don't want to think about no the more you think about it the more it weirds you out

it's a bit incestuous I don't like it it freaks me out yeah no dad should just never be part of that number six dip the wick i quite like this one i quite like it i don't know i've just been dipping the wick sorry i was a bit late but is that how we'd use that would be like did you have your wick dipped did someone dip their wick when was the last time your wick was dipped i think

it's the fact that it's dip and wick could be How many dips are too many dips? No, but dip and wick is a bit like how people can merge my names Rachel and Hosey and call me Rosie. Dip and wick, dick. Yeah, I see how you got there. I think it comes from candle making, which I like, gives it kind of an artisan, crafty vibe

to your love making. I'm not just shagging, I am creating a piece of beautiful lovely some artisanal connotations i think yeah lovely brings it up a bit number seven adult nap time which is very similar to my personal favorite which is grown-up sleepover i always say to my friends did you have a grown-up sleepover nice that's my my uh word prefer a see that one gives me because i uh often speak to people with fetishes and kinks adult nap time is a bit too close to adult nappy for me which reminds me of adult babies which is a okay if that's your thang but i i'm pissing in a pampers isn't

personally my no it doesn't my number one turn on. Interesting. So number eight, we have putting D in V, which I think is quite all right, but I sometimes say P in V, because that's, again, maybe more clinical. I prefer penis to dick. That was a funny sentence. Oh, Christ.

I think it's a very heteronormative phrase but yeah i'd say p and b i can't believe i just said that someone's gonna snip that up and like mock me for life oh god don't talk about snipping oh god okay moving on moving on number nine knocking boots don't get it my personal favorite which is not on this list boning well i don't like boning no i quite like bone boner bones because of their uh rhyming capabilities yeah i call them on the phone arranged a bone yeah the rhyme is phone boning phoning boning okay right we're done here this is a kind of a horrible story go on but you know Bongella yeah I sometimes use the phrase bone jell-o because I I was chatting to somebody who has vaginismus which is a condition where they're whether the muscles of the vagina clamp up really tightly

and they make penetration with anything from a finger to a tampon to a penis really, really difficult. Yes, I've written about this actually. It's more common than people think and it's crippling for women. The good news is it, for most people, is treatable, although it's not fully understood. How do you get it? It's still, again, it's not fully understood. For a lot of people it's uh there was traumatic roots so something has happened to them or for some um maybe as children they got it into their

heads that growing up and becoming an adult was frightening in some way and so their body had a response of i mean it does make sense really when we're nervous or stressed all our muscles tense up and sometimes the vagina does that if you're worried about something for sure doesn't know when it doesn't let go it doesn't let go when the tensing has stopped being useful but there can be all sorts of reasons it's still something that is under represented in science unfortunately but i'm glad you're writing about it this um lady who i'm very glad to say is now making exceptional progress she saw a therapist called Sarah Berry who's spectacular in that in that particular treating that particular problem

and but prior to that she'd been doing a bit of googling to try and find out stuff that would help her and she'd found someone who was putting bongela up inside her vaginal canal in an attempt to numb the pain of vaginismus so so we now joke about it and call it bone jella uh as a sort of way of uh softening what what used to be quite uh quite an upsetting tale i suppose gosh bone jella nice do not do that not advised do not try this at home kids oral cavity Oral cavity, not any other cavity. So, Livvy, what are we talking about this week? So, this week, we are keeping all things very sexy. We're going to talk about the contentious issue of period sex and whether it is still as taboo as people think it is.

It's not really something that people talk about, but it is something that a lot of people are doing. And then we're also going to chat about first-time sex etiquette and whether there are any kind of rules and when we say first time we don't mean when you lose your virginity we have another episode on that we do mean the first time you have sex with someone new yeah but first shall we do a bio of the week yes so this is a bio week of the week that i found that probably works better when you read it than when you hear it, which is not great

for a podcast, but I'm going to explain. So, Connor24 would try to woo you with my herb and fish jokes, but this probably isn't the time or the place. Now the clever ones amongst you will probably realise that time is spelt as in the herb and place is spelt as in the white fish.

I love that. That really made me laugh when i actually read it i know for the for the pun lovers amongst us i'm grinning so wide to see my wisdom teeth here that'd probably work on me i swiped right it was not a match yet true right from puns to period sex now i have been so looking forward to this discussion because whenever I talk about it with my girlfriends, the consensus we always tend to reach is that we find that as women, we're more conscious of the fact of not wanting to have sex on our period than men are. or people were seeing casually or one night stands it from the experience that i've gathered from my friends and myself is that usually it gets the point where you sort of might be getting intimate with a man or you know women but in my case it's a man and um we say oh she'll probably tell you i'm on my period and they go so and what i don't care i still want to have sex I don't care. I still want to have sex. They don't care.

I think that that's a great attitude that they have. I wonder whether some women worry when a guy goes, oh, I'm a-okay with that. No worries. Let's roll on forward. Because you think they don't realise. I think a lot of guys actually haven't seen the realities of what a period can be for some women. They imagine, I don't know, I think some of them still imagine blue liquid, like old always adverts and whatnot. But I think some of them imagine a little trickle of normal red blood

and they're not kind of taking into account that there are clots and blobs and amorphous gelatinous masses sometimes. And I think a lot of women are like, oh no, this is a lot more textural than you might imagine. Yeah, and there's a big difference about where you are on your period. Yes, because I have had sex on my period, but only like probably on the last day. When actually it wasn't messy at all.

Whereas I don't think I would feel comfortable having it when you're on your really heavy days yeah because also on those days I think you also have a lot more physical symptoms aside from the bleeding like your breasts might be much more sore yeah and you might be feeling just a bit more bloated and uncomfortable and not very sexy you might just not want to have sex in those first few days I think the general consensus with me and my friends is that towards the end, when it's a bit lighter, it doesn't really matter. A lot of my friends in long-term relationships,

where they're obviously very, very comfortable with their partners, they're now just like, fuck it, put a towel down, just make a mess and do it. But I think maybe it's different when you're in a newer relationship with someone. There are forms of protection that you can use if you're a really heavy bleeder

and it's going to be, I was going to say a pain in the ass, but that suggests I do not know basic biology. If the clean-up is going to be a real pest and you just think it's all going to look a bit carry, you can get sponge tampons, kind of like heart-shaped, and you pinch the two bulbous bits of the heart and pop it up yourself. And then it expands next to your cervix where the blood is coming from and absorbs it. But because they're soft, you can then have penetrative sex.

And if the dick bumps into the sponge tampon, then it's nice and cosy. I was reading about this the other day. I didn't realise that that was a thing. I don't think that's very widely advertised. That's really interesting. So these are essentially condoms designed for... Sorry, not condoms. Tampons designed for sex.

Tampons designed for having sex on your period. Yeah, they're used by a lot of sex workers as are little bits of natural sponge, although I would want to read some studies just checking whether that was a safe thing to put in your body. The problem is they're quite expensive. There are a couple of new products on the market as well that are they're called menstrual discs yeah that's the one i read i think it's a company called like the flex company yeah and it holds like six teaspoons of blood or something sort of works a bit like a

menstrual cup but obviously is higher up near the cervix. That's right. And it's flatter than a menstrual cup. So that again, if it gets poked by a peen, it's not a problem. I tried Flex. I was surprised that I could get them in because they're quite big. They look like saucers for a doll's tea set. Yeah. But you kind of, again, you pinch them and pop them in.

I was amazed that I couldn't feel it. I wasn't sure it was in the right place. It also felt like a lot of plastic for a disposable item. There is one on the market, I think, that you can disinfect and reuse in a way like you would a diaphragm. And I think that's really interesting. But the way it's being marketed is very much suggesting

that period sex is squeaky and disgusting and that we should all try the way it's being marketed is uh very much suggesting that period sex is squeaky and disgusting and that we should all try and make it as clean and as as shame free as possible and that's a shame because i think the product sounds good yeah but the campaign is um bloody awful bloody awful literally bloody well not bloody anyway i think it's really interesting it's the whole is there a stigma is there still a taboo i actually um i adore this tv show called crazy ex-girlfriend and um she has this song in it all about period sex and it's just brilliant it makes me laugh so much there's like she goes she's kind of taking the piss and she goes like, if you're grossed out, let's just pretend it's another kind of lube. She's taking the piss out of whether it's a big deal or not.

But I actually think that by singing about it and putting it on this TV show, she's normalising it. And that's the thing. It does need to be normalised because there are also actually a lot of benefits to having sex on your period from a woman's perspective. Apparently, having an orgasm can alleviate symptoms of Pms it can alleviate menstrual cramps really it does for some women there were some studies yeah there was some studies that suggest that the the waves of muscle contraction that happen during an orgasm can help the to slough off the uterine lining and actually make your period a little bit shorter yeah and of course you produce loads of endorphins when you're being sexually pleasured or when you're hitting a climax

so that can help relieve pain temporarily at least but i also think it's really important to respect the fact that for some women they don't feel like having penetrative sex at that time um it's brilliant to promote period sex as a fine thing to do if you're both if everyone's into it but I'm not sure I like this narrative that I've seen in some places that kind of suggests that you're a bit more Beyonce and a bit more of an empowered woman if you're having sex even on your period you should do what you want when you want yeah and do exactly what you feel comfortable and what you feel works for your body and also don yeah and do exactly what you feel comfortable and what you feel works for your body and also don't let a guy make you feel like oh if you're on your period

you're not gonna have sex then you have to give him a oral sex or anal sex yeah like if you don't want to exactly don't i was wondering do you think period sex carries that same stigma then in female same-sex couples do you think it carries the same because obviously you're both women you're both women you're both going to menstruate at different times you know do you think that it carries the same attitude or do you think it's because of that kind of um i suppose the the connection that you have there and the similar experience it wouldn't be a big deal i'd like to speak to some women who so would i mean uh to get their opinions on that but um

yeah listeners if you want to share your stories please do get in touch we'd be really interested to hear in connection to that though women who sleep with women are often underrepresented when it comes to sexual health. I've spoken to lots of people who identify as bi or queer or lesbian or somewhere on that spectrum that mean they're lasses having fun with other lasses, who've told me that their GPs have told them that they don't need cervical smears or they have not been given access to things like dental dams or they've been refused condoms, which they're using on sex toys. It's a thin square of latex. If you can't get hold of one, you can make one by chopping a condom in half and you lay it on the outside of somebody's labia,

over the vaginal opening, and then you can lick through it or feel through it. And it protects you against the transmission of certain STIs, over the vaginal opening and then you can lick through it or feel through it and it presents it protects you against the transmission of certain stis which actually did you know that it is easier to catch an sti when you're on your period because your cervix is more open and it sits slightly lower down really of course there's more there's more bodily fluids going on as well which is why it's important we chat about these things. This is stuff that we should know about. And also, Rachel and I were talking earlier,

there is this myth that having sex on your period means you're less likely to get pregnant. That's what I thought as well, because ovulation... We literally discussed this and I was like, what are you talking about? You can't get pregnant on your period. Can you? You can.

You absolutely can. Sperm can live inside the body for up to around five days exactly depending on what point in your you tend to ovulate um then you might release an egg around you know if you have sex at the end of your period when it's a bit lighter and then you release an egg a few days later and women's cycles aren't always um they're not always bang on time so even if you're someone who's aware of when they ovulate usually you might pop a little a little uh eggy out a little bit early and find yourself with a wonderful parcel nine months later what if you had sex un unprotected sex, just before your period?

It depends on a woman's individual cycle. For sure. There are times in the cycle where it is safer to have sex if you don't want to have, to conceive. Because like that app that just like tells you when your fertile days are. There's a few of them. I imagine you're talking about natural cycles. Now apps like natural cycles have become increasingly popular recently. There's another one called Daisy which also comes with a gadget that takes your temperature every morning because you have to know your basal temperature in order for these apps to work to their optimum level. They're really popular at the moment because lots of women are questioning the effects of hormonal contraception um there's been some research that's suggested there may be a correlation with depression although it's quite difficult to untangle what's cause and effect

there it's a complicated topic it's difficult to draw clear conclusions about and hormonal contraception also can have some benefits protects against certain forms of cancer for example it makes it tends to make periods lighter for some folks so there's pros and cons and i would also always say chat to your gp natural cycles have when early on they um made some big claims statistically about how effective their apps were and sort of said that they were comparable to perfect use of the contraceptive pill. For a start, that depends on people using this app perfectly. And we know that most folks don't use any form of contraceptive

that requires them to interact with it, like taking a pill or using an app perfectly. A friend of mine used daisy because she was actually trying to conceive so she wanted to know when she was ovulating and that required her to take a temperature at a set time every morning before she'd even gone for a wee now i don't have that many girlfriends who uh would have that self-discipline to be honest um and a little while ago i met two amazing authors who've just written a book called the wonder down under yes i got this book yeah they're norwegian and they let me know that actually um there's been a real ferrari in their

country about natural cycles because it's been shown that that high percentage of success rate um actually may be misleading and several young women who've fallen pregnant whilst using that app are trying to sue the company so it's it can be really good natural family planning methods and and uh knowing about your cycle is a cool thing to know anyway but i would just i would just caution any woman who is considering that to really thoroughly do their homework and be honest with themselves about their lifestyle i would never personally recommend that kind of thing to anyone for whom becoming pregnant accidentally would be absolutely devastating. I think that's good advice. I agree.

But then again, I work for a condom company. So I'm always going to say wrap it up before you slap it up. Fair enough. Breaking news happens anywhere, anytime. Police have warned the protesters repeatedly, get back. CBC News brings the story to you as it happens. Hundreds of wildfires are burning. Be the first to know what's going on and what that means for you and for Canadians.

This situation has changed very quickly. Helping make sense of the world when it matters most. Stay in the know. CBC News. Whether you're in your running era, Pilates era, or yoga era, dive into Peloton workouts that work with you. From meditating at your kid's game to mastering a strength program, they've got everything you need to keep knocking down your goals.

No pressure to be who you're not. Just workouts and classes to strengthen who you are. So no matter your era, make it your best with Peloton. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca. Okay, so today, because we have so much good sexy chat that we want to discuss, we're not going to do a dating disaster or a dating dilemma, just because we've got so much good stuff to chat about. And we want to make the most of having Alex here. You just didn't want to discuss. We're not going to do a dating disaster or a dating dilemma just because we've got so much good stuff to chat about and we want to make the most of having Alex here. You just didn't want to upset me by talking about dating dilemmas

and making me muse upon my own tragic dating life. No, honestly, our story is usually more funny than upsetting. But we do appreciate you sending them in and they will be back next week. Okay, so the next main topic of discussion is first-time sex etiquette. So we're talking about when you have sex with a new partner for the first time. Okay, so do you guys do any sort of prep? Yes. Okay, that and Alex nodded. I do. I also make a point of trying not to do this prep

if I'm trying to bolster my commitment to not sleeping with someone. Oh my gosh. Do you know what? Me and my flatmates have done so many times. We're like, oh yeah, I've seen this guy tonight. And I'm like, oh, but I haven't got a wax and I've got hairy legs and all this, that and the other.

So I definitely won't sleep with him. Obviously, you then do. That never works. And then you're just like, oh, I should have got, I wish I'd got a wax now. If I am trying not to sleep with somebody, then I will leave the foof looking

like some kind of terrifying yeti that's been in a fight. And I also don't hoover my room. And because this is radio, listeners won't be able to see, but I have neon yellow hair. It's very bright. And I have a black carpet.

So I shed a lot. I was talking about my actual bedroom there, not my, not my flump. Good to clarify. That's a magic carpet, guys. But yeah, I don't,

I don't hoover my room if I'm, and I know the embarrassment of all my follicles scattered over the floor do you know that even that interrupted a sex dream for me recently I was managing to have a really hot wet dream about a really hot guy and in my dream

my subconscious self went but you've not got the Dyson out he's going to see the hair on the floor and he'll be so distracted of course that would never happen no but i'm always like that i'm like i mean i've got like you know it's like a more natural hair color but i'm still very much like i've got hairballs all over the carpet i haven't dusted i couldn't bring anyone back but obviously you know when it gets to a point that you've probably had a few drinks you suddenly like

seem to care a bit less about the fact that you haven't hoovered either your you know your personal carpet or your bedroom carpet when you're in the moment

none of that stuff matters I know I know and you hype yourself up so much about it ahead of time you're like shave your legs

moisturise your legs oh my god moisturise your arms spray perfume on every part of your body honestly there's like the prep that I I'm not ashamed to say Shave your legs. Moisturize your legs. Oh my God. Moisturize your arms. Well, honestly, honestly, there's like the prep that I, I'm not ashamed to say I will do

a shitload of prep before a date if I think I'm going to have sex with a guy. I will like shave everything, get a wax and I get a wax

because actually I feel sexier with a wax. I'm glad you said that because I think pubic hair has been made into such a feminist issue and I am absolutely a feminist and fervently so when required to be um but I enjoy the feeling of uh removing some of my pubic hair full disclosure mine is currently shaved into the

shape of a fox's head because I also am very on brand. I love that. I like the ritual of getting ready if I think I might get laid. You know how Olympic swimmers shave off all their body hair before a big race. For me, it's about getting in the zone. I want to be streamlined and slick and I'm going to blow their mind with the fact that I am, you know, like an ice rink covered in baby oil. I like to be silky like a dolphin. And aside from the whole preparing for the fact to be silky like a dolphin. Yeah. And aside from the whole preparing for the fact that you might have sex,

it just boosts your confidence. Yeah. And you just feel sexier. Yeah, completely. It's like sometimes I'm like, you know, like, you do all this and then like,

I don't know, I like put on all my best makeup and I'll curl my hair and I'll do all this stuff. Then obviously then if like, whether you sleep with the guy or not, if then afterwards it fizzles into nothing

and you're like, oh, that was a waste of makeup. And that was a waste of time. But it wasn't because it's for what you want to do at the time. I totally respect people who don't want to do all that though as well. I have gone on some dates. If I'm feeling kind of rebellious or I'm just CBA or, you know, I'm just having, I'm having a more slouchy day. I have purposely rocked up on dates looking a bit messy and relaxed.

And I think it's quite a good test of whether a guy will take you in whatever form you happen to be on that day. So the next interesting thing is whose place do you go to? Now, I will pretty much always try and make it so that I go to the guy's house. But this is because I like to leave. Same. And if they come to my house, I can't be like, leave now. Because I'm like not swimming once, snuggling and sleepover. Because I'm actually a very high maintenance sleeper.

And I'm like, I can't sleep if there's some dude lying there. And men always fall asleep so quickly. And then they're just snoring. I'm just lying there like, oh, for fuck's sake, I'm not sleeping tonight am i find it very annoying so i like to leave i like to go to other people's houses because i'm nosy and i want to see what's in their bathroom does say a lot about see how they live but i'm quite um i'm quite territorial about my own personal space having someone in your bedroom and i often find that i feel more liberated in someone else's home because it's uncharted territory right and you're not bringing someone into your bedroom. And I often find that I feel more liberated in someone else's home because it's uncharted territory

and you're not bringing someone into your own environment. If ever I invite someone over, I feel like I have to really be the hostess. I'm like, would you like a cup of tea? Can I offer you some snacks? Should I bake a cake? Some pre-boning pudding? I just like to be a good hostess. Checks and pudding. What a combo. Sounds great to be honest with you.

Do you think it's possible to have amazing sex with someone if it's the first time you're having sex with them? I think you can if there's real chemistry, but I think the emphasis people place on that first time sex being completely reflective of how good the potential relationship might be is way, way over. Often first time sex is clumsy and bumbly and maybe a bit pissed because, you know, you've given yourself a bit of Dutch courage and whatnot. Yeah. I should mention here, make sure that you are everyone sober enough to fully consent and take care of each other um but now i i really i think it's if you've had a first time sexual

experience with someone that's maybe not really been the best you know if it was really awful and traumatic then obviously don't go back there but if it was just a bit naff because you didn't know each other's bodies and you're still learning, give it a second go. And I'm always nervous, which I think doesn't help, to be honest. It's always going to be a bit fumbly with someone for the first time. You're right. You need to learn how each other's bodies respond to each other and learn what each other's preferences are. And that's often something that people ask i think which i think is important yeah and if you have the courage do you guys think um when it comes to foreplay it doesn't necessarily

have to be like a give and take situation so like oh well if he does this to you you have to do the equivalent him or by you know vice versa i think that's a problematic expectation yeah same it is it's it's a tricky dicky one that one isn't it because uh you want to you want to make sure that a sexual experience is a mutually pleasurable yeah shared enterprise i'm making it sound like a startup invest in my sex um you'll get great returns but i think if doing it's of like a I'll scratch your back you scratch mine I mean if you're into back scratching then fine but kind of keeping score like that so literally as well going well I will give you oral but only if you give me oral can end up being

a bit of a distraction that said if someone is fine with you performing a particular sex act on them but then bulks at the idea of reciprocating then that's potentially an issue I think that's a bit of a red flag particularly in the first time

but I think also only do something only do what you're comfortable with like I feel like you very much what you're comfortable with like you i feel like you very much don't have to feel like oh okay he went down on me so now i have to give him oral sex as well like if you really don't if you don't want to but it's about what people feel comfortable doing exactly like you said like some guys might absolutely love going down on girls but the girl might not necessarily like giving a blow job and vice versa i'm gonna say i actually love giving blow jobs how are you single i i enjoy if somebody if i

have a connection with somebody where they see me as really sexual i enjoy the performative aspect of sort of showing off a bit I guess and I quite enjoy getting that up close and personal with someone's dangly bits as well and really I don't know I really get off on it do you when guys know what you do oh man do you feel pressure to be like a sex goddess three things happen when guys find out that I work as a sex educator or they've listened to one of my shows or whatnot. And as I said earlier, I'm single. I've been on a few dates with someone recently, but nothing is set in stone.

One of a trio of possible scenarios tends to crop up number one they are absolutely shit scared they don't want to touch me with someone else's barge pole never mind their barge pole because they think i'm going to call them out and give you know do some kind of review or assessment live on air and whilst i do sometimes refer to my past sexual experiences i would never do so in a way that made it identifiable as to who I'd been with. And I talk about all sorts of people's experiences too. I don't just solely talk about mine. But a lot of people think, find it quite threatening and frightening.

And they worry that they're not going to be able to do everything right. And I'll judge them on it, which I hope I'm less judgmental because of my job but then option number two is the opposite they think I am some sexual genie there to fulfill their wishes and rub on their lamp and other parts and that I will psychically like a like a majestic sexy mystic meg know all of their deepest fantasies and kinks even though they've never told anyone before and that I'll sleep with him in in 5.4 nanoseconds and make them orgasm 54,000 and a half times and I don't I feel the pressure but you know what number three was the real surprise and it happens so often I'll go out on one or two dates with a guy. I think it's going really well, that it's promising, that maybe it's, you know, maybe might get a little physical soon.

They're quite flirty. Then they will drop the bomb, which is. So in my past relationship, I really had X problem and I'd really love to get my old girlfriend back. So could you help me solve this? And they just want me to be a free counselor yeah they want you are kidding that has happened four times in the last year yeah do you know what that is outrageous but i always get this like weird thing if i'm dating a guy who's like started his own company or something and i'm like do you secretly just want me to write a feature

on you or something you just want press yeah Yeah. Would you like some PR? Exactly. God, that's shocking. It's really crushing, I'll be honest, especially if I have misread their interest and I think they're into me rather than the service they feel like I can provide. That sucks. It's nice that they trust me, but I'm there thinking I'm being wined and dined because they have a personal interest in romancing me.

They think that they are investing in a friendship which will have the benefit of helping them get their ex-girlfriend back. That's so sad. Tiny violins. Well, you know, I guess it's like they say, got to go through all the frogs before you get the prince. Maybe I want to date a frog.

That might be my weird kink. I'm not sure. I saw The Shape of Water recently and got massively turned on by the sea monster in that. So maybe, maybe I'm just looking for the wrong species. Plenty more sea monsters in the sea. Quite. Thank you very much.

That was a good one to end on. Thank you, Rachel. Alas, we do have to end now, which is such a shame. Thank you so much for listening. Please subscribe, rate and review us on iTunes because this helps other people discover the podcast. And do you have a dating disaster or dilemma? We love hearing these and we will read some more out again in the upcoming episodes.

So please do get in touch. You can email us at millennial.love at independent.co.uk or tweet us at Rachel underscore Hosey and at Olivia Petterwan. You can also contact us by joining our Facebook group. This is where we're discussing topics from the podcast, news from the dating world in general, and also asking you guys questions. We'd love to hear your feedback.

So to join, please just go to facebook.com forward slash groups forward slash millennial love. That's millennial dot love. That's millennial dot love. Alex, thank you so much for joining us. No worries. If listeners would like to hear more of my wafflings and witterings. Yes, where can they find you? You can tune in every week on the Modern Man podcast.

That's M-A-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N- The Fox Hole where I answer people's sexual queries so if you want a question for me you can hit feedback on the website and you can remain anonymous if you want I'm also all over Twitter at Alex Fox it's A-L-I-X

one I like cyclops and then Fox like the animal that rifles through your bins lovely thank you so much well it has been

enlightening it has and so much fun and we hope you'll all tune in again next week. Bye. Whether you're in your running era, Pilates era or yoga era, dive into Peloton workouts that work with you.

From meditating at your kid's game to mastering a strength program, they've got everything you need to keep knocking down your goals. No pressure to be who you're not, just workouts and classes to strengthen who you are. So no matter your era, make it your best with Peloton. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca.