Love Lives - #29 Jamie Laing talks unrequited love and reveals his dating past

Episode Date: April 13, 2018

This week on Millennial Love we had an absolute ball with reality TV star, entrepreneur and podcaster Jamie Laing. Whilst spilling the beans on his relationships past - from first loves to dating regrets - Jamie offers some thought-provoking insight on the concept of unrequited love. Is there anything you can do to get over it?Our other main discussion point this week is the oh-so-relatable arc of dating someone new, falling head over heels and getting smitten, then suddenly drawing back and wondering whether you're with the right person after all. Is it fear of commitment? Or hopeless romanticism?Don't forget to join our Facebook group to stay up to date! https://www.facebook.com/groups/millennial.love/Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/millenniallove. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca. Hello and welcome to Millennial Love, the Independent Lifestyle Desk's weekly podcast on love, dating and relationships. Hosted by me, Rachel Hosey, Assistant Lifestyle Editor, and me, Olivia Petter, Lifestyle Writer. There are endless podcasts out there about dating, but we didn't feel any of them really reflected our own experiences as two ladies in our 20s battling through the joys and struggles of single life today. And that's why we decided to launch Millennial Love. This week, we are thrilled to welcome reality TV star, entrepreneur and podcaster Jamie Lang. Hello. Oh hi.

Sorry I didn't realise that was my... That was your cue to say hi. Do you know what? Your voices are so soothing at the beginning. It really made me just feel great. I feel great listening to your voice at the beginning. It's like a very good podcast voice beginning. Thank you Jamie.

That's so kind of you. I think it starts off well and then I get increasingly shrill and then just start belly laughing. Yeah. I've decided I need to work on my laugh. Well, it's like a relationship, right? It starts off super great

and just nice and pleasant and then it just turns out awful. What a great analogy. Every time. There's the laugh. We're only 10 seconds in and we got it. Oh, Christ.

For anyone who doesn't know, Jamie is best known for appearing on everyone's favourite West London-based reality TV series, Made in Chelsea, which he's been on for, is it seven years? 70 years, yes. I've been on for 70 years. So it's a load of Botox. It's awesome.

Yeah. No, I think seven years. Yeah, yeah. Amazing. However, he's also got his own sweet company, Candy Kittens, which are delicious. Oh my God, they are. Bit disappointed you didn't bring us any, to be honest. Guys, I'm so sorry. Honestly, I was at the office

and then I normally have bags and I just didn't bring you any. You're really okay. We'll let you off. I'll send loads. They're vegan. They're delicious. Olivia's a vegan. You're a vegan? delicious Olivia's a vegan you're a vegan yeah okay well you're apparently

the best person in the world the best person in the world yeah really irritating and made me change my sweet yeah

god judgey but supposedly 20% of 16 to 24 year old girls are vegan yeah it's massive

it's growing now there's apparently 7% of the population in-year-old girls are vegan now. Yeah, it's massive. It's growing now. Apparently 7% of the population in the UK are vegan. Another little fact before we kick off the podcast because I've got loads of facts. Do you know why James Bond has a martini shaken, not stirred? No. Supposedly it's because when you shake a martini, the water from the ice and the alcohol separate.

When you stir it, they mix. So actually he's just drinking water and not getting drunk. That's boring. My whole life's been a lie. No, because he's James Bond, so he's pretending to get drunk. Oh, quite clever, actually. Also, because... Sorry, just go.

90% of photos ever taken in history were taken last year. No, really? Yeah, because of selfies and things like that. For real? You'd be so good at pub quizzes. Do you do that? Yeah, because of selfies and things like that. For real? You'd be so good at pub quizzes. Do you do that? Yeah, I host them all the time. Where is that stat from?

Just plucked it from the air. Okay. I've got one more stat. Do you want to hear this one? Okay, this is actually... Do you know what the Apple logo is? The Apple logo. No.

This is very good. So Alan Turing, Alex Turing, who's from the... Have you watched the Imitation Game? Alan Turing, yeah. Alan Turing, yeah. He invented the first computer ever, which broke the limit code, won us the war.

Amazing guy, kept it a secret for so many years. Also a gay guy. Back in the day, being gay was illegal and had the choice of being chemically castrated or being put in prison. He chose chemical castration because he wanted to work on his computers. I mean, a horrendous thing to do to anyone. And it sent him completely crazy and he committed

suicide. And it's a known fact, all these kind of things. And the way he committed suicide, he didn't want anyone to know it was on purpose. He wanted to look like it was a mistake, especially his mother. So he used to play around with sardinide for his computers. Where are you going with this? Because we have to be quite careful about telling suicide stories. No, it's not. It's not. stories. No, it's not a suicide story. It's a very good one. So the way he committed suicide was he injected an apple with cyanide

and took a bite out of it. And that's why Steve Jobs called it Apple in respect for Alan Turing, who made the first computer. I didn't know that. That's actually really interesting. Fair play. Do you like the ending of that one? Yeah, yeah.

I was a bit like, what are you doing with this? Anyway, back to my introduction about Jamie. Go for it. Jamie also hosts a podcast called private parts which is wonderful hilarious refreshingly open which as loyal listeners to millennial love will know we are all about i'm very open yeah we love this we i love to overshare speaker which livy what you've been up, what's going on? I have not had any dates in the last week, woe is me,

but I have been busy this weekend practicing for a gig that I've got coming up in a few weeks, playing the guitar. So I've just been singing about all of the boys

that don't love me. That's what I've been doing. Lovely. Is that where you get your inspiration from? Are you quite Taylor Swift in that sense? I try,

I actually really try not to because it's, I find it really cringe worthy. And then, and then once I do these gigs people then come up to me and ask me about the lyrics and like oh my god was this about this person was this about that person so now I try to avoid writing about very obvious relationship

things and wait and you you play guitar and sing yeah very well might I add whoa Rachel yeah everyone come to her gig yes come along 25th of April at the troubadour and you dance as well are you a triple threat? I should try. Can I dance in the background? Yeah, that would be great. Interpretive dance. Yes, my forte. You could wear that tutu. Do you know what I did? I'm not wearing a tutu. Okay, pleated skirt. Actually,

it's a bit like a romantic tutu from the ballet days. I did interpretive dance at Leeds University. I thought I was going to do theatre performance as a degree, yeah. I turned up there. I thought it was theatre performance. I thought I was going to do theatre performance as a degree yeah I turned up there I thought it was theatre performance I thought I was going to act and turns out it was just uh interpretive dance and there were 80 people in my year and uh out of the 80 people two of them were guys me and this other guy the other guy left and I'm camp as it is I had to be the bulb within the flower and all the petals all the girls came off and i had to come out i hated it i really hated it i hated it amazing that's fun what have you been doing

well so i mentioned last podcast that i had two first dates set up i went on the first one and it went pretty well however i discovered the guy has a peanut allergy which is highly problematic because you know peanut butter is my main food group so we'll see we'll see how that progresses and then the second one i actually cancelled because i just i couldn't be asked which sounds really bad that is bad i know but i know what Like how many minutes before the date? No, no. So like the morning of the date. And so I made up a lie. What did you say? I said...

I'm eating peanut butter. I'm really busy with my face and peanut butter. Make it really sexy. Sorry, I've eaten two pots of peanut butter. One of them was crunchy and I'm really not feeling good. I'm really bloated. I've been on the toilet all day. Then he'd never press it again.

Yeah, yeah. You won't fancy me. I won't fancy you. There's probably no point in this one. So let us pass. That wasn't what I said. Thank you very much. I said my friend had had a bad fall down the stairs.

Shut. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. is so no you didn't and I said that she had to go to hospital so I had to go and visit her

and I'm an awful human but here's my no wait hang on don't skip over that but classic lol if he's listening to this right now yeah would you

I said to you Livy before I was like what should I say and you were like he's not going to listen no well I didn't realise

that was the excuse you gave irrelevant I once got arrested I once got arrested in a pharmacy store that I probably won't say what it is and I I was I was shoplifting because I had my wallet taken I was a university I had no money and I was shoplifting some toothbrushes and things like that it was the worst yeah yeah you just said that like it was so normal. Yeah, I was shoplifting TVs and I didn't sell them on. It was literally toothbrush and toothpaste. Anyway, long story short, I was rugby tackled to the ground, taken to the back room, and I was arrested by the security then.

They said, you were trying to shoplift. I said, no, I wasn't. Firstly, if you're trying to shoplift, don't walk into a pharmacy store wearing a bright red jacket with beige blonde hair looking so suspicious and sketchy anyway they said to me why are you shoplifting

and they went to me this is really bad relates to your story they went why are you shoplifting you look like you have money you've got a really nice watch on and I said

my dad gave it to me on his deathbed my dad's fully alive were you nervous about tempting fate though well are you nervous about it I was

I was like shit my friend's going to fall down the stairs. I was being arrested. You tried to get out of a date. I mean, that's two different things. Well, anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway. No, but my argument is, is that I just decided I didn't want to. And why do I have to force myself to do something I don't want to do? It wasn't like I was cancelling

half an hour before that's quite rude and like I just decided I wanted some me time I wanted a night in I did I didn't want to go and get drunk again because I'd been quite drunk the past two nights and I I just you know I'm not saying I won't go out with him or reschedule it I'm just saying I I wonder how to feel like if I'm not in the zone I'm not going to be on top know, I'm not saying I won't go out with him or reschedule it. I'm just saying, I feel like if I'm not in the zone, I'm not going to be on top form and I'm not going to have a good time. And so I don't regret it. However, the irony is I did then watch About Time, this Richard Curtis film.

I know. And ended up bawling my eyes out to that, which then transgressed into me just generally feeling rather upset about my own love life, which is rare because that's literally never happened to me before. I've never actually sort of got actually upset about being single. From the whole, I really like it. But about time really kicked me off.

So the irony is I cancelled my date and then started crying, thinking no one's ever going to love me. Or I'm never going to find anyone I love anyway. But this is interesting. I feel like with dating, though, people feel like they need to be on form to go and do it and things like that. But in fact, you don't really.

It's just because you should have the confidence in yourself to be like, you know what, I'm badass. So they need to entertain me. I don't need to entertain them. They need to entertain me because they're lucky enough to go on a date with me. Well, exactly. And I didn't want to go.

Fair enough. Fair enough. Fair enough. Yeah, fair enough. So it's just the pot of peanut butter, you're at home. Crying into a rom-com. That movie is so sad. Oh, it's so sad. It's so good, though.

Do you know what I watched as well the other day? It's The Time Traveller's Wife. Oh, that's also so good. What? It's always Rachel McAdams. She gets you weeping. Yeah, the bloody notebook. Christ. Oh, it's the worst. And's always Rachel McAdams. She gets you weeping. Yeah, the bloody notebook. Christ.

And also, Rachel McAdams doesn't age. No, she's ageless. She just stays the same age forever. It's weird. A lot of people in Hollywood do that. I wonder what their secret is. Gene Hackman has always been old. He's always, always been old.

Never changed either. Jamie, have you been doing anything fun recently what have I been doing recently do you know what I went down it was Easter recently right

so I went to my mum's house and I took I'm seeing a girl at the moment her name is Eloise and I took her down to meet my parents

for the first time big deal did it go well I think it did go well the problem with me what I do and I think I always do this if I bring someone

into an environment I try to do you ever do this where you sort of you tell the stories for them and you finish I'm so worried

that they're going to feel awkward so my parents that's exactly what happened in About Time it is oh well there we go just don't start crying when I tell the stories

so when my parents or whoever asked that ask her a question i'll say well she lived in france and she goes and i do all these kind of things which is pointless should actually allow someone to breathe rather than over compensating for nothing with someone new as well i think you're probably quite proud and quite excited well she's so great because she does this and she does all this you kind of want to like show off them a bit. Yeah, because she has to be more modest if she answers

the questions herself whereas you can be like, these are all the amazing things she's done. That is true and you do show up but also I have a real big problem with,

you know when you're first in a relationship, right? It doesn't matter if you're dead and you kind of, you're pretty promiscuous with each other. Sex is kind of a big thing. Having sex in your parents' house

is weird. Weird, yeah. It's weird. I don't like it. Yeah, kind of a big thing. Having sex in your parents' house is weird. Weird, yeah. It's weird. I don't like it. Yeah, I have not done that. You haven't done that? No. You've never had sex in your parents' house?

No. Never ever? I have a single bed at home. Do you? Yeah. So you've never done that? No. Well, yeah, I've done that.

I've had sex in my mum's bed. That was even weird. Shall I tell you the story? Yes. Please do. I've never done that. i kid you not this is i actually should share this on my own podcast met this girl once who uh how old were you i was i'll set the scene i must be about 20 years old at leeds university younger and you know just loving life uh and one of those at that age where

you really don't have any issues the only issue is you're worried about dying that's literally the only problem that you have right and i came out of do you remember that club mama langies or do you remember there was a club called mama langies on the king's road came out of there and it was i went through a period at university where i wasn't i don't i don't think i was that sexy towards girls i think i was really unsexy so i had like six months to probably a year where no one really fancied me. And I don't know, I think it was,

I was quite small. I was just quite like happy-go-lucky and everyone liked DJs and people who smoked weed and things like that. I didn't smoke weed, so I wasn't that cool.

Do you know what I mean? It was all kind of those kind of vibe at university. Anyway, walked out the club and this girl hit me on the butt and I was like, oh my God,

that's cool. She slapped you on the ass? She slapped me on the butt. Wow. Okay, her name, what was her name? Yeah, it name yeah it was don't worry I'm gonna sing like a canary her name what was it I can't remember her name and I would tell you uh anyway long story short we went back to my house and I know this was in London sorry sorry we're in London went back to my house and I'm just off Sloane Square it was the time I was my mum had a flat that I was staying at uh anyway it was a ground floor and My mum had a flat that I was staying at.

Anyway, it was a ground floor and lower ground floor flat. We started watching The Sixth Sense. It was like 4am or 3am after a nightclub. Clever tactic. Oh, I'm so scared. Hold me. Yeah, yeah. I was terrified.

I was honestly, oh my God. Let's watch this really scary movie. But at the same time you're like, oh my God, it's actually fucking terrifying. It's so scary. Can you actually please stay? I'm terrified. Or it's me. Or I have to wait until it starts to get light again.

Anyway, long story short, we go downstairs and I was sort of wooing her and I was like, this is pretty exciting. You know, nothing's really happened to me for six months to a year. It's really a year. Yeah, a year and a half. Anyway.

And I walked towards my bedroom and she said no no this bedroom is nicer and it was my mom's bedroom so i thought okay well you know hey whatever i'm i'm i'm not going to you know i'm not going to just go against anything right now she wasn't she was away she wasn't there anyway go into the bedroom and we start kissing and things that and she says to me she says um you should put on your mum's clothes. And I went, okay. Again, I'm not saying no to anything at this point. So my mum's tank top was in the corner, so I put on my mum's tank top.

That was, you know, my mum's little. And I was like, okay, this is cool. And then we started hooking up more, and she was like, you should put on her shoes. And I thought, this is weird. Okay. So I went and put on my mum's high heel shoes anyway we started pranking you this girl well turns out no I still haven't seen the video anywhere

anyway should we imagine anyway we then uh had sex and I was wearing my mum's high heeled shoes and her tank top that is weird did she Did she ever explain? And you never asked because you were like, I just want to have sex. No, I just don't care. I'll just do anything now. I will do anything. I mean,

that's my story of being single. Fair play, you know, in some sense. You know, that's what you're into. I wasn't really into it. I just, again, that's what she's into.

It was weird. It was very weird. Also, like, not only did she slap your ass, but then she yeah really yeah very forward girl

so if you're listening to this and you know who you are it was a wonderful experience that's the thing you have to be quite bold to sort of reveal what you're into or do something a bit

out of the ordinary on the first time you're sleeping with someone maybe she was just I'm never going to see him again let's do it but this is funny with you guys

so on when you first dates right right, this is when you first start getting into a relationship, you kind of you uphold, you kind of it's like you hold back, don't you? So do you guys do that as well? Do you sort of you give all the best bits rather than trying to? And it's tough right at the beginning, right? And that's how you sort of jump into things far too quickly. Exactly. And that brings us on to what we're going to talk about today what a good segue no worries i'm used to this can tell this guy has some podcasting experience um so yes the main two things we're going to

discuss today are unrequited love big dramatic one and this is not really a snappy way to sum this up but essentially it's this concept that i think a lot of people can relate to is that when you start seeing someone new you fall really hard for them and suddenly you're smitten and then sometimes you you sort of pull yourself back and like suddenly go whoa oh god no that was too much too quick and yeah so i'm sure we'll have a lot to say about that first up up, however, let's do bio of the week, which Olivia was going to read out because obviously I'm on my dating app detox,

but Olivia's dropped her piece of paper with this written down on. Okay, we're just going to say that. Okay, cool. I'm just going to be honest with the listeners here. They deserve to know the truth. I got a bit overexcited and flustered and my paper is gone.

Anyway, I'll read it out instead. Can we also talk about your T-shirt? Oh, yes. So Rachel is wearing a beautiful bumble branded t-shirt which i questioned her on earlier because i have the same one and i only wear it like to sleep in but rachel's just proudly wearing hers today okay i like it no no no hey listen i'm not i'm not scathing you i like it too yeah i know we we don't mind it that's that's not that's not the question is that we you know we'll be recording this uh you know in the offices and things like so you walk around just saying bumble on it which i think screams single but that's fine this whole podcast screams single

no it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't you guys could be you know that screams in a really lovely way yeah very advertising my single status. But do you know what? Seeing as I am on my dating app detox, which is basically I've quit dating apps and I'm seeing how it goes, this is arguably like saying I may not actually be using them right now,

but I am single. But that's not what I was planning when I put this on. I just thought the colours were quite nice and springy and went with my skirt. They look lovely. But it is the point where you go when you're getting food or something like that

and someone comes up to you and goes, oh, what is your, your t-shirt says the point where you go when you're getting food or something like that and someone comes up and he goes oh what is your your teacher says humble and you go no it's it says bum and they go oh oh like the app and you go yeah yeah it'd be the start of a blossoming romance because that person could then be like oh are you single oh well let's go grab a coffee well exactly guys i'll report back um the best things are meet cutes they really are they just don't happen. We've been talking about meet-cutes on previous episodes. Have you? You get it. I met my current girlfriend or girl that I'm seeing through a meet-cute.

Did you? Yeah. Tell us the story. I mean, it's so sweet. So meet-cutes are the best thing. It's all that kind of moment. And also, I think we're probably all sort of romanticised about things. And about things and we all like you know we always want that disney sort of ending right and that's kind of what yeah it doesn't happen oh no way it's dark and evil and horrible but i was in a restaurant

and uh this i went to the bathroom and as i was going towards the bathroom i sort of bumped into this girl and we had a sort of moment between us and she was so cute and we all and it was like oh hi hi sorry and it was and it lasted longer than a quick bump and it was a you know a couple seconds or a second longer and I was like and I was like and I almost went did you feel that did you feel that moment I always wanted to say that to her but we didn't she wouldn't sat down I was actually I was I basically floated down the stairs. I was like, oh, my God. Anyway, came back up and went back to my friends.

I said, there's a girl in the corner that I swear to God we just had a moment with. And there's not like a moment that I've had before. And this is probably where you go into like everything. I was like, I'm going to marry this girl. I've never met her before. Anyway, I got the maitre d' over and said to him, excuse me, sir. Because that's I got up to go and give the girl my number because I have this whole like thing this year if you meet someone have a

meet cute you go and ask them for their number and do those kind of things and all of the listeners out there that's what you should do you should 100% go and regret is the worst thing what if you fancy someone go and tell them right now now anyway you told the story on your podcast yeah yeah I didn't realise that was her that was her I heard you tell the story and so she then

basically I got up to give the number she left I was like oh my god so I was in the middle of the restaurant panicking sat back down I was like oh god

so I called the maitre d' excuse me sir were they walk-ins or did they reserve a table he said they reserved this literally happened in about time as well did it

oh my god no they went to a restaurant where they can see each other. No, but he still said that line of were they walk-ins or did they reserve? Whoa. Did they? Really?

Yeah. Yeah, he did. Yeah. Oh my God. Because when he forgot about her, he went back and... Carry on, carry on, carry on. So then he said they were walk-ins

and I said, can I look at their name? And he said, sorry, sir, we can't do that. I said, no, please. I'm going to marry this girl. Let me do this. So we walked up the registry thing

and we're going through and she went, Alice Wiggin. I went went she doesn't look like an alice wigan she really doesn't look like an alice wigan she more looks like i know like i know like victoria i was like oh okay alice wigan okay so i was searching on instagram all these kind of things where she would as i was doing that they walked back in so i panicked i was like oh my god couldn't do anything so i walked out freezing cold in my t-shirt I was like oh my jacket's inside this is just the worst thing in the entire world walked back in said to me I can't go and ask her now can you just give her my number give it to the girl and he said sure I will do didn't hear anything for five days and

she sent me a message saying I can't believe you didn't ask me for your uh number my number yourself so I said let's go on a date so I took her to, I took her to an art gallery called Basquiat, Basquiat, Basquiat? Didn't know. No idea. Because I thought

she would like art. Turns out she doesn't really enjoy art. It normally takes an hour and a half to go around the whole thing. It took us 30 minutes and we went for dinner

and it was just, and it was great and those meet-cutes are the ones that kind of go forward. That is such a good story. Yeah, it was cool. However, the thing is, I think it's like, I don't want to go too deep into this, meet cuter the ones that kind of go forward that is such a good story yeah it was cool however the

thing is it's i think it's like i don't want to go too deep into this but it's sort of like would you have like obviously there's every time i go for it sorry my mind's really going quicker than my words can come out essentially i think that's so lovely because you had sensed there was this moment and clearly it was mutual because she fancied you too. But is there a chance that you thought you had a moment and she was just like, well, that guy was in my way when I was on my way back from the loo and didn't fancy you at all. But I suppose then she just wouldn't have messaged you.

Well, I think... You weren't really, like, harassing. You were just like... I honestly believe in life, and I think this is where... So, guys, I, you know, I was... All guys are way more insecure than girls i really think this guys are so insecure and girls are actually pretty confident and and they always and and the reason

why girls i suppose have this sort of persona being a bit more secure is because they talk about it more than guys do and and that's probably the reason behind it actually guys are super insecure um and i think it's just about having confidence in yourself and just going to do it and so there have been plenty of girls who don't fancy me and i really fancy them like she definitely fancies me and they do not like i mean but i think it's also about the i think uh persistency is is key in like a quite a charming way so i think if you have a moment you kind of fancy just be persistent with it in a kind of glorious way. Okay, do you know what? Let's come back to Bio of the Week because this fully leads us into Unrequited Love.

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monetize their podcast everywhere. Acast.com. Because I think the interesting thing, like Livia and I were thinking, have we ever experienced unrequited love? And we both sort of agreed that we don't think we really experienced unrequited love, but definitely unrequited feelings for someone. Yeah, definitely.

Oh, you both have? Yeah, definitely. Absolutely. Almost every single guy. No. unrequited feelings for someone yeah definitely oh you both have yeah definitely absolutely like you know almost every single guy no someone who doesn't fancy you back yeah that's that is it right yeah but but that's that's that's bizarre to me because i wouldn't expect that from you girls i think guys would jump at the occasion that's not i mean it's true i think it happened more when i was younger but this is what i was going to say do you think that there is a sense because I think I did feel like this when I was younger

this particular guy we weren't ever in a relationship or anything, there was no reason for me to decide that I had these really intense feelings for him, it was sort of all in my head and I wonder if there's like this weird fetishisation of unrequited love where you sort of just indulge yourself in it because there's something quite appealing about feeling like you're longing for someone and being in that kind of painful state of mind.

I think you think that because you're like a tortured artist who writes songs. I personally do not enjoy it. Can I just explain why though? So if you look at... Tortured artist. Yeah, I'm not a tortured artist i'm a very normal artist um you're all talking if you look if you look at like popular culture how often is it that unrequited love is a topic in songs in films in poems all the goddamn time yeah it is

like it is there is something romantic about being in that state of longing. You wouldn't get a storyline out of, oh, these people both fancied each other at the same time and they got together and it was all great and smooth sailing and they had a nice relationship. But I also think it's more kind of not as deep as all that. I think that people sort of go for unrequited love because people, for some reason

especially in the uk we we like people we like things when we're rejected yeah and i don't have yeah you want what you can't have and so something comes across easy it's almost this is the problem with our current situation this is really and this is why love is so irritating the moment because what we always do is we almost push ourselves towards not loving things where it's bizarre. Hold your feelings back. But not even that. People, guys and girls, we fall into a relationship

with someone and who is great, who is fantastic, but then we always think something is better, which is the stupid, and probably that's because of social media

or whatever it is, but we almost make ourselves unhappy when in fact, we've got the coolest person right there in front of us and we should go for. And it's because when something is too easy it seems boring if you play a game that you if you for example the reason why people like playing playstation games or whatever is because it's quite hard to complete them if you could complete a game very easily you wouldn't like it

the reason why zelda and things like that was so popular because it's like an end i've never played it was like an endless world. That just never finished. So that's the same with love, is that if you are constantly rejected by someone and pushed away, you automatically like them more. Completely. That's like pretty much my dating struggle so far

has always been like, I'm not someone who's going to say, no guys fancy me, because I know some do and some have done in the past. But what's always happened with me is that I never fancy the ones who fancy me because i know some do and some have done in the past but the what's always happened with me is that i never fancy ones who fancy me and the ones i do like don't like me back yeah and but is that is that because i don't like do i not like them because they like me and do i like

the ones because they don't like me oh mind blown it's so frustrating though because i catch myself doing that as well because often i'm the same like the ones I like never like me and the ones that like me I'm like meh but is that because it's it feels too easy and no yeah it's tricky what I think it's a I remember you so who when I when I wasn't do when I started doing the show it seemed to be a lot easier to date for some reason and I don't know why yeah I was on TV and it just I was easier to date but before that I used to fancy people who didn't fancy me um and I think I think there's I think there's also a few things but firstly when when someone when you when you when someone fancies you and you don't really fancy them

you're you're so much more yourself because you don't really fancy them you're so much more yourself because you don't really care as much you're not trying exactly so when you when you you fancy someone else and you don't really know

if they fancy you and they probably don't you're not really being yourself you're so much more aware of how you're acting how you're behaving so every single instant every single note

every single body movement they do you're like does that mean they don't like me does that mean they're not and so you you judge everything to to a needle point and that's why it's so much more you're so much more aware of it all yeah completely agree do you guys think though because i think something you see a lot in popular culture but actually also just in real life with friends and stuff some people say that they are in love with someone who

doesn't love them back and it's not even someone they're in a relationship with. Maybe it's a friend they've had for ages or, you know, I don't know, someone they've got to know through work or something. Do you think you can actually be in love with someone that you're not with? I was thinking about this the other day. I don't know if it is possible to actually be fully in love with someone that has never loved you back. You know what I mean? possible to actually be fully in love with someone that has never loved you back you know what i mean like if you've if it's an ex and they and you were in love and then they dump you and you're still you know totally besotted with them i think that is unrequited love but i think when it's someone

that you don't know and you've never actually no not that you don't know but you've never been but you've never been in a relationship with and you've never been in love together i don't know i was in love with someone that i was never in a relationship with really oh've never been in love together i don't know i was in love with someone that i was never in a relationship with really oh my god so in love tintin she has to get married congrats tin well done was she a friend oh god i mean she was so she was a year above me she was a friend family friend we went on so many holidays it's the first girl i was in love with and uh we went to hong kong together i was in love with her there and we always had this thing and then we went to croatia together on a boat two separate boats family

holiday and i remember this is why so to everyone listening this is why don't live with the regret and this is what i i do these kind of talks with my business partner around the country where we talk about setting up a brand and stuff like that. And we talk about the fact that like never have regrets because regrets are the worst thing in the world. My biggest regret in life. It's my only regret. Sitting on the rocks in Croatia. Tinta McDonald was next to me.

It was about 3am in the morning. I must have been 16 years old. Just got my GCSE results. All B's, two D's and a C. Not good. Yeah. Really. Parents weren't happy.

No way. Could have been worse. It could have been worse. We're sitting on the rocks together. was drunk i wasn't and uh yeah yeah yeah yeah and it was consensual no no no and i mean she was just a bit titsy and i and i i was 16 so i didn't really know what was going on and we had this moment this like moment where i should have kissed her and i didn't kiss her and to this day i was like i regret it her and I didn't kiss her. And to this day, I was like, I regret it. Yeah, because I didn't have that,

because I was too nervous because I was too aware of being rejected and what they would think. And oh God, that movement, does that mean they fancy me? Does it not? What happens if I go to the kitchen? She says, no.

You were tipsy too. Oh, I wouldn't have kept. Not saying you need to get drunk to do stuff. A little bit of that juice doesn't help. This is what I was saying in my podcast today. There's no such thing as, I don't know, if you don't drink, then this is probably my podcast today there's no such thing as i don't know if you if you if you don't drink then this is probably true but there is no such thing as

sober sex when you're not in a relationship there is no it's a myth it's a myth it's a total myth yeah completely i've done it once and it was awful you realise how bad you are. Do I go there? What do I do? God, are you having... Oh, God, are you all right? When you've just even got a little bit of that extra confidence and relaxed inhibitions, you just sort of gloss over all the awkward bits

and don't really care. I imagine if you're sober that... My mum, she's hilarious. She always tells me the story of when she was with my dad. My parents divorced when I was eight. She said when she was with my dad, she's hilarious she always tells me the story when she was my dad my parents divorced when i was eight she said when she was with my dad she was very like conservative and all these kind of things and she thought god i'm so conservative with sex all this kind of stuff i'm quite open with stuff and she said when my dad my dad broke up with him divorced her she was

like i've been so conservative for about 10 years of this whole kind of thing i'm gonna go and she said to me when i broke up your father if someone had told me to piss on the walls i would have done it's like i just don't care anymore i'll go for it because what do you have to lose it's so funny though yeah it's so wise love it okay so what do you guys think do you what do you think people should do if they are suffering i don't know if suffering is the right word but experiencing unrequited love what can you do i think if you're in a situation where it's a friend or where it's someone who you feel that you have some sort of basic relationship with tell them but there's so much at stake yeah there's so much i know but if you don't if you don't or just at least try and

assess properly if they might have feelings for you too. And if you think they do, then I think you should absolutely tell them and just see what happens. And if they turn you down, they turn you down, you move on. But if they're in a relationship? If they're in a relationship, harder. Relationship's hard. Harder. I think you've got to be real with these situations.

And if you're feeling that kind of love towards you then you gotta gotta just really i think communication is so key yeah if you're in a relationship god it's hard i mean it's the way if you're not if you're feeling like rejection all those kind of things and you're in a loving way and you love that person so much it's just horrendous but i i think that if you if you're dating someone you're not feeling the love being given back you kind of got to say to them look is this going anywhere or is this not because otherwise you're going to get yourself more into a deeper hole and be more upset and those kind of things yeah basically if you feel you like them more than they like you yeah yeah that's so tricky

because i've like i've sort of done that in the past with to someone yeah and you'd be no we'll just know as in actually the other way around like i think i like them more than oh okay me and i've tried to like establish where their heads are and often people find it people have a really hard time saying that they don't they that they're not as interested because even if they're not there's something in the brain that's like well what if i want to you know come back to you later and reserve you you know so it you just get spun this web of bullshit to like keep you on tab but you know give you enough to hold on to it's just ridiculous i heard i heard this um this interesting

thing going back to my facts that when when so yeah when someone when someone dies uh you say someone that you love dies you that your body releases a pheromone in your head like a chemical in your head that makes you um be able to deal with the situation so it releases something in your body that makes you think happy thoughts about them and you miss them in a nice way and all these kind of things and so tinted glasses essentially pretty much right so that's what so when you so the remorse is easier So you can handle the death easier. So you don't really panic into it. And the same kind of pheromones are released when you break up with someone because your body thinks that you, someone you love, has died.

So it only makes you think happy thoughts. So when people go into rejecting someone or saying we're going to break up, the reason why they go, oh, God, maybe no, is because their body is going, wait, no, you're losing losing someone now we're going to release these pheromones to make you think happy thoughts about them so only think great things about them so in fact is your body tricking you so it's so this is the thing if you ever in a relationship and you're going right i need to break up with someone and then you when you break up with them you go oh no actually wait no i think i made a huge mistake it's actually not your body is tricking you to make you to

believe you made a mistake you've actually made the right decision unless you've made a huge mistake. It's actually not. Your body is tricking you to make you believe you've made a mistake. You've actually made the right decision. Unless you've made the wrong decision, then go back and change it. Which is why people rebound after a while, I think. When an ex comes back to haunt you. But with you guys,

does it happen to you a lot where guys, you get sort of rejected or no, in a sense? Because I can't imagine. I got dumped like three months ago. No.

Yeah. What happened? you have to tell us oh it was a bit shit but it's okay now i'm seeing someone new yeah but oh look at that swish of the hair look at that now fuck it i'll just say it now he's come back out of nowhere and it's like i want to hang out like let's meet up again and i'm like what the fuck but that's something and wait how come he how come he broke up with you what was the reason it was just some bullshit reason like oh well i think we're different and i don't think it's gonna go anywhere and i don't see like a future that kind of thing very lame it was so lame yeah and just you know when people just say stuff just to like you know ease the ease the pain but then was like oh but you know i think you're so hot wait hang on how old is this guy oh like 20 mid-20s he's 25 he's 25 okay and he's working okay and you fancied him a lot damn it and how long were you guys dating for oh like three months

yeah but still that's that's the core that's the beginning of the beginning that's when you're like really into it yeah which is going to lead us on to the next topic but that is when you're like oh my god this person's amazing and just as you know it starts to get going and you maybe progress from seeing them to like i don't know maybe they become your boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever like yeah that's sort of i would go from that progression month is when it's make or break to be like are we gonna be yeah officially exclusive and a thing yeah maybe not boyfriend and girlfriend after two three months but like i suppose exclusive i don't really know something happens i think after that period of time i think with i think with guys like that if they start

coming back unless they are there unless it's my brother who is like the nicest person i've ever met i'm not kidding my brother went is he single he single? He's not. He's married. But he is honestly, he is. So he's firstly the cleverest guy I know. He went to Oxford and studied classics. And he now works as an analyst. And he's just never done anything wrong in his life. Never really got drunk. He's just the nicest human ever.

And he broke up with his girlfriend. He's been with his wife now for 12 years. But he was at university with her. So they've been together for 12 years type thing. And he broke up with her girlfriend he's been with his or his wife now for 12 years um but he was at when university with us so they've been together for 12 years type thing and he broke up with her towards the end of university because he didn't know if it was the right thing for them and then he realized he made a mistake and said actually no i really want you back and married her and so in those kind of situations it does work however if if you you can tell the type of guy if they suddenly come running back they just uh nah it's just it just maybe

but or just have realized that they have made a mistake but they're probably going to do the same thing again yeah anyway sorry he probably saw you at your gig and was like oh my god she's fire yeah she's fire she's yeah that's what guys say oh god she's fire i've never said that i've never said she's fire yeah yeah yeah you're fire in all honesty should i yes okay i some i have that quite a lot where i go gung-ho into things and then I'm like oh god. Yes, okay, yes, this is it. Next topic of discussion, perfect. Go on, tell us about what you do, Jamie. So what I tend to do is I go into things pretty hard and then put the brakes on and go actually well no way I'm not so in love with you I'm not those kind of things and that's fine and cool

and relaxed when you're just kind of dating someone and things and it's only been like whatever and I do that because I'm quite I'm not intense but i'm super like enthusiastic and want everything to be good and want everything to do these kind of things i think what i do is that i i'm a huge people pleaser i want everyone to like me so i can relate yeah so i want them to have the best time ever and normally nothing we do we had there are great dates we had the best time ever together so they go and that there are great dates we had the best time ever together so they go and that's the beginning bit where you're trying everything to make yourself look like a superhero but in fact the cracks are real deep behind it all anyway you do these kind

of things and then uh you realize you're not into it and they have a fantasy of what this is what it's always going to be like this funness and exciteness and all these kind of things in fact you kind of know it's probably not always going to be like that. And the problem is that when you get into that three month period, four month period and you're pretty much with them and then you're kind of going, God, is this right? And I always double think, I always go,

do I want this in a relationship? Do I want to be in this relationship right now? I think it's a natural pause period though after that like three months. Is it? Yeah, I think so because it's... So this is interesting. Why though? Because in the initial few months you're in this kind of like really idealized haze where this is a new person and everything you experience together is completely new so you kind of get high off of it in a way and that keeps it going but that's inevitably gonna start to fade a little bit after those three or four months when you start to get used to each

other's company and you start developing habits as a couple and i think when that sort of goes the initial like buzz goes away a bit that's when you start questioning you're like okay is this actually something that i see as a long-term thing or not and i imagine that's when you have the freak outs okay so my view is just while everyone's just thinking about their lives right now literally couldn't be more present okay okay no so my experience is i've never really had this like falling really hard for someone and getting totally smitten and i'm questioning whether is that because that's the type of person i am or is it because I haven't met the right person that's going to make me fall really hard?

So Jamie, my question for you is, is this something you do with every girl you start seeing? As in, is it something inside of you or is it the girl? Okay, so that's super interesting. So I think about this a lot as well. So you've never ever had that undying, kind of like can't breathe kind of love? No.

You haven't had that? I don't think i have either actually really yeah okay i've i've had it once i've had it once when i was 16 years old daisy don noble i'm actually having dinner with her tomorrow night yeah yeah my oh my god i it's one of those moments i was 16 years old uh she broke up me after a month and a half i thought i was so in love with her i can't tell you And I remember I was on my hands and knees and I was sobbing so much, she broke up with me. My tears were landing on her grey pimples

and making marks. I thought, this is low. I thought, what am I doing? Grey is the worst colour as well. That's the worst colour for water resistance. Oh God, and she must have thought, this is pathetic. I do think when you're a teenager, arguably you feel all these things harder.

But I think, so my kind of sort of counter to this situation is, if you haven't felt it, then I suppose we could work that out. But if you have felt that, I think this is why, this is what I was thinking. I was saying, why does time speed up?

Why, when we're younger, does time seem to go so slowly? And as we get older, it seems to go really quicker. Do you get that? Yeah. When we're at school, freaking hell, it would take ages for the summer Do you get that? So like when we're at school, freaking hell,

it would take ages for the summer holidays to arrive. Now summer's coming around. It's literally like last summer. And I think that's because all of, we don't really have that many first experiences anymore. So the first time we get in trouble, the first time we have our first kiss, the first time we experienced this.

And so when you experience it, it's a huge moment in our lives. So the time goes much slower type thing. So I think that when you experience it it's a huge moment in our lives so the time goes much slower type thing so i think that when you when for me i first had that first ever love it was so bizarre and so alien to my whole body i didn't really know what was going on that it was then i haven't had that since because you can't it's like having heroin for the first time you know you have that you have that hit which by the way the way, I've never done heroin. I've never done that.

I've tried opium. Just to get into the spirit of creative stuff. But as in, so, yeah, you haven't really experienced that. You haven't experienced it for, you experienced it once, so then you can't really experience it again. So I think everyone's trying to discover that first, ha, that first moment of love. And in fact, it doesn't really happen that way again because you can't really experience that first love.

I don't think because I haven't. But if you've never experienced it, there is someone on the horizon for you. Thanks, Jamie. Yeah, I do always say that. I do think it's about the right person. It is. Because prior to like this year, every guy I've dated,

I've been like, been oh it just feels wrong it just feels uncomfortable i just don't feel like this is something i want to commit to but then you date people that you actually like and then all of that stuff just all the stuff you thought was weird just feels normal and natural and then the only weird thing about it is that it's not weird you know what i mean yeah i'm hopeful stay hopeful yeah i i don't do you know what i stupidly do i um recently i've done this i go into and weirdly enough as much as like people actually see me on tv and stuff i don't actually go have a girlfriend that often in my life i've only ever had six girlfriends ever and it's actually a lot older i guess yeah i'm yeah i'm 29 so i've

had like six i've had six girlfriends but i've never really i've dated a lot. It's actually quite a lot. You're a few years older, I guess. Yeah, I'm 29. So I've had six girlfriends, but I've never really... I've dated a lot of people, but I've never really had full-blown girlfriends. But recently, I've been dating people that... Not just because of the love side, because I go, OK, they are great at this and great at that. And it's like a trump card, almost. Do you remember trump cards?

So they have these... Rather than going, actually, no, I just love this person for for them and i think that's what i'm doing wrong occasionally so do you guys do that do you look at someone as a trump card or do you look at it just purely as love i i look at it in in terms of how comfortable i feel around them really yeah and how much i feel like i can be myself around them okay because so often when i was at uni particularly I would see guys or go on like for a few first dates with guys and just feel constantly on edge like typically they were these very like chauvinistic like guys with huge egos you need to meet some different guys I know I know and it was just incompatible and I just always felt like I couldn't ever really be myself and I think when you do feel like you can be yourself, then all of the, you know, are they interested in this?

Do they live here? Do they, you know, all those little trump card qualities just kind of go out the window. Disappear, right. I think we have very different dating histories. Oh, yeah, we do. All the guys I've dated are, like, lovely and such nice, good guys.

What a face! Your face! Like, great guys. They are lovely. Yeah, they're it's so patron god you're sweet oh i'm so mean that's not what i meant like the least sexy description yeah i know so unsexy imagine like casper the friend of ghost i mean do you like that is literally what i'm imagining yeah yeah well anyway um i don't agree guys but that was never quite enough, actually. I could really be myself with the majority of these guys,

but, I don't know, there wasn't enough spark or fireworks, so I didn't fancy them enough. But what is, do you want someone who's going to challenge you? What is it? What do you really desire? What, like, burns you? Christ, Jamie, that's quite the question. What burns you, Mitchell? Yeah, fire.

What really... Fire. Yeah. What really... Okay, fine. What is your kind of... What do you like in a guy? What do you desire?

What do you want? I want someone who is... I would just think is awesome. I want someone who's amazing, who will challenge me and broaden my mind and enhance my life and make me happier. I'm also going to fancy the pants off and who's going to make me feel great. But I can also be like, oh, my God, look at my boyfriend. Yay.

Yeah. Yeah. OK. So what everyone. Yeah. The perfect human being. OK, so you want to find the perfect guy. OK.

Exactly. I know what you're saying. You want something you can boast about someone that has achieved boast but no but someone achiever who is ambitious and wants to do stuff with their life and is like enthusiastic and like wants to go out and do different things and not just like sit around and be average no so that's so that's so true guys and that's what you can never never be with someone who is just there sorry that was merely me burping but i didn't quite but you should never i never settle for someone who just doesn't stimulate you in those guys someone who pushes your boundaries who literally goes right right we're going to do this and that and actually and has bad points but

also his good points outweigh the bad ones. And so many people, and this is what's so frustrating, and loads of people go to me, well, why haven't you, that person was great, why didn't you do that? And I go, well, just not quite enough. And you really can't settle. Because this is the stuff, when I was younger I thought that what we need in life was,

what I did, I was like was like okay I want fame richness all these qualities will actually mean shit all they don't actually mean anything and and I you know I want to start a business and be successful and all these kind of things but that doesn't make you happy the ultimate brand in life is actually friends and family and starting and the ultimate brand is starting a family right and you can't settle when you do that that's why I've worked out in business no one settles you don't I'm just going to go and settle this or whatever. I'm going to just do this and that. And that's not even the ultimate.

The ultimate is your family. So why just settle? And so many of my friends have settled. I'm like, what are you doing? We all see it. Yeah, we all see it, right? And it's like, oh, it's okay. I can just, you know, we're friends.

It's like being alone or something. It's that security, right? It's a security reason. And I understand that's okay, but we should really go out there and just discover, because there are so many things and so many people out there to discover and experience and really go for it. Yes, oh my gosh, Jamie, do you know what?

I think I really needed this pep talk. I was really getting the point a few days ago. I was like, I've dated so many guys and I haven't found anyone who's stuck around or that I've liked enough that no one's stuck. And I'm like, yes, you're right.

But also I think that we probably all, I mean, we're probably victims. We probably stick in a bubble, right? Okay. We stick in a bubble. We know everyone in the bubble,

people who we meet otherwise are going to be in the bubble. And I think it's really important to step outside of that. And that's why I never, ever, I never date anyone who my friends know or things. I always date people that no one really knows. Yeah, I think that's really important. It's so important because otherwise there's already the cliff has already gone down.

It's already eroded a little bit because someone knows or something like that. You want to find someone who's completely different, who's separate. Yeah, I really think so. People argue friends of friends is a good way to go. No, but I think sometimes it can be really difficult because then it kind of provokes like a gossip culture around the relationship and like yeah it can make that can make things so much worse like i've got friends who have dated mutual friends and it just makes it so complicated because it becomes like chinese whispers like well he said this to me and

well he said this to me but what does that mean and because everyone knows everyone it's impossible to actually make your own judgments god it's so major but it's so true and also the other thing is because we all have this we all have it's so funny we in life we want to all fit in like this is my so why fit in when we're born to stand out right stand out that's 100 and we all want to fit in so we all want to be invited to the dinners that our friends are putting on we always want to be around our friends and why have my friend phone not phone me or phone the other people and so it's so much easier to date someone that our friends know because then we're all mixed in it together and god my friends friends are there and then we're all going to my house and it's all basically an ego thing that it's just

validation so when you date someone who's completely separate from anyone else you have to introduce to their family in a sense metaphorically and we're we introduce them to our family and so they're not quite you're not quite as included as everything else so you feel like you're FOMOing you're left out but in fact you experience so much different kind of emotions and that's where I really think that people kind of find their partners when it's someone who no one really knows and they say like 86% of people have already met their partners that's because they don't really want to step outside their groups that much yes yeah I love that I love that. I love that. So that's why being on Bumble is a great way.

Because you just meet some real... I'm on brand. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to take a picture of my Bumble t-shirt and probably go back on Bumble. Also, other dating apps are available. As I mentioned, I'm enjoying Hinge, or I was until I quit it. Hinge? Yeah.

Yeah. Listen to last week's ep. I explain Hinge. Guys, the time has gone so quickly is that it i know we haven't done the disaster we haven't done the bio but we had so much other good stuff to talk about and obviously i feel like we could carry on talking for a long time all day i could go for this i love this it's so good it's my favorite thing to do we have so much fun every week yeah everyone enjoys listening as well. On that note,

we have to wrap things up. So please do subscribe, rate and review us on iTunes because this helps other people discover the podcast and it makes us really happy. And you can send us your dating disasters and dilemmas

and we will get to them when we have time to read them out, promise, at millennial.love at independent.co.uk or you can tweet us at OliviaPetter1 or Rachel underscore Hosey. And all stories will be kept anonymous, promise at millennial.love at independent.co.uk or you can tweet us at olivia petter one or rachel underscore hosey and all stories will be kept anonymous which you might enjoy you can also

contact us by joining our facebook group and this is where we discuss topics from the podcast news from the dating world and we ask you guys for feedback because we love hearing from you so all you have to do is go to facebook.com forward slash groups forward slash millennial dot love. Jamie, thank you so much for joining us. No, you guys are fire. Honestly. You're fire. No, this podcast is great. Congratulations. Everyone should subscribe. It's awesome. Thanks.

No worries. Fire. Everyone for listening, you're fire. You give us a five star rating. Fire. Big flames. Extra fire. But it's been so much fun genuinely thank you you've been brilliant

we've learnt a lot I feel like you've really inspired me you guys have inspired me mutual inspiration thanks everyone for listening and we will talk to you next week bye bye Acast powers the world's best podcasts.

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