Love Lives - #30 Bisexual invisibility
Episode Date: April 20, 2018This week on Millennial Love we’re talking about an issue that many straight, gay and lesbian people don’t even know is an issue: bisexual invisibility and erasure. Many bi people face discriminat...ion, and in this episode we’re joined by freelance writer Joanna Whitehead who shares her experiences of the matter.With more millennials identifying as somewhere between straight and gay than older generations, are times changing? Why is there still a stigma around being bisexual? And what’s it like being bi on dating apps?Don't forget to join our Facebook group to stay up to date! https://www.facebook.com/groups/millennial.love/Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/millenniallove. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Hello and welcome to Millennial Love, the Independent Lifestyle Desk's weekly podcast
on love, dating and relationships.
Hosted by me, Olivia Petter, lifestyle writer.
And me, Rachel Hosey, assistant lifestyle editor.
There are a couple of podcasts out there about dating, but we didn't really feel that any of them reflected our own experiences as two single ladies battling through the joys and struggles of single life today.
And that's why we decided to launch Millennial Love.
This week we are delighted to welcome freelance writer and editor of The F Word,
which is a contemporary feminist website, Joanna Whitehead.
Jo, welcome.
Thank you, glad to be here.
We're thrilled to have you, especially because Jo recently wrote a brilliant piece
for the Independence Voices section.
It was called Lesbians, Gays and Straights, Here's What You Can do to better support bisexual people, which we are very excited to chat to her about.
But first, let's have a little catch up.
Livvy, what's been going on with you?
I have actually started watching a show called The Bachelor.
Oh, Christ.
Have you ever seen it?
No, but I've heard a lot.
So it's like a real cult in America.
I don't think it's as big of a thing here, but the concept, so there's the bachelor and the bachelorette.
And the concept is it's either a man or a woman who is the bachelor or bachelorette, obviously.
And there are then 20 other men or women competing for this person.
It's sort of like a Hunger Games for dating.
And because, you know, the contestants really start to turn
against each other and it's produced in a way that makes everyone seem just
incredibly desperate sounds horrendous it is absolutely horrific but it's
fascinating to watch yeah I bet it's really fascinating to watch and actually
there's been a TV show made by a producer who worked on The Bachelor like
a fictional TV show based on her experiences there so this woman's job
was to actually manipulate the contestants try and get try and make
them more volatile for camera class yeah I mean it's absolutely terrifying so
it's constructed reality thing completely but it's just taken to all
sorts new levels of extreme and I just don't think I think it's bigger in the US but it's not really as much of a thing but we have just taken to all sorts of new levels of extreme. And I just don't think, I think it's bigger in the US,
but it's not really as much of a thing.
But we have Love Island to look forward to.
We do have Love Island.
Better come back.
That's what I've been doing.
What have you been up to?
I've mainly been feeling like I can't be asked
to go on any dates or anything.
I don't know.
I'm just like, got a couple of boys that I'm messaging with
and I'm sort of meant to be trying to organize dates with.
And I hope they're not listening because then they'll never want to go out with me.
But I'm just a story of our lives.
I know that I've just kind of is this phase of my life where I'm on my dating app.
Do you talk since where I'm not using dating apps?
And I think this is sort of encouraging this attitude where I just absolutely seebs to go on dates.
I'm like, my life's busy.
I've got plans every night.
And I don't want to cancel any of these things to go out with these boys.
So I'm having a great time.
It's a serious commitment to date someone.
I know.
Let alone more than one person.
You said boys.
I know.
More than one.
I know.
Jo, have you been up to anything fun?
Oh, wow.
Well, I was enjoying the sun on Saturday, which, you know, we're all delighted to see,
which is very nice.
It's back now.
It's back.
The sun is back.
It's so great.
But for how long?
Yeah, I know.
It's just a little teaser.
Yeah.
And nesting with my girlfriend.
We recently bought a flat.
Congratulations.
Yeah, yeah.
That's mega.
It's huge.
So we're kind of nesting and still just getting excited and feeling like we're in a posh Airbnb, which is lovely. Yeah,
if I owned a flat, I would never want to leave. I'd be like, I own this and I am the queen now.
Sweet. All right, let's crack on and start off with a bio of the week, which Olivia found.
This is one I found the other day. Actually, I didn't find it. A friend of mine, a male friend, was looking through my Bumble to try and find some men for me.
And then he swiped right on this one and it was a match. And I just thought I really liked his bio.
Anyway, that's the intro over. name's ben he's 24 his bio says big time lover of dogs
cheese and hummus literally ask me anything about dogs cheese or hummus i also enjoy riddles i really
like this bio because a dogs cheese and hummus all three great things and then i feel like it
makes me think was that a riddle good shout It's just also very rhetorically satisfying.
You know, he's used the list of three twice.
It's just very, very good.
Yes, very good.
Well done, Ben.
Yeah.
Right, so our main topic today is bisexual erasure or bisexual invisibility.
So I'm going to kick off this discussion with a few stats I found, which is really interesting.
So I'm going to kick off this discussion with a few stats I found, which is really interesting.
So more millennials identify as LGBTQ in comparison to older generations. And we'll get on to talking about how the whole LGBTQ thing is problematic in itself as a term.
But so there's this scale called the Kinsey scale, where you can plot yourself on a range of sexual dispositions from exclusively heterosexual at zero through to exclusively homosexual at six and this study was done by you gov you gov
you gov I said it didn't I I feel like it sounds like you gov you gov yes okay
whatever anyway those government yeah you got mmm it's not government is it all right let's carry on shall we so
whatever they're called they did this study and asked people to place themselves on the scale
and so very interestingly amongst uh young people 43 percent placed themselves in the non-binary
area so that's sort of between one and five on the scale.
52% place them at one end or the other.
And only 46% of young people say they're completely heterosexual
and 6% completely homosexual.
And the stats showed that older generations
were much more likely to put themselves at one of the two ends,
not somewhere in
the middle so as a straight well honestly 97% straights I learned so much
through your recent article Joe I thought it was fascinating so do you
want to start sort of by explaining to the readers
like what bi erasure and bi invisibility is?
Sure.
Yeah, listeners.
It's all right.
I do it too, all the time.
I do do this.
We're useless.
I know.
Okay, I'm really interested in that 3%.
To be continued.
So bi erasure I think is kind of when bisexual people
are just lumped in with lesbians or gay people.
For example, I have a girlfriend who identifies as lesbian, for the record.
And people, when I kind of tell people that I have a girlfriend, everybody just assumes I'm a lesbian.
Nobody ever thinks that I'm bi.
And that's in the workplace.
That's even with friends and stuff like that.
and bi and that's in the workplace that's even with friends and stuff like that and I think there are you know there's lots of reasons why I think basically there's been kind of a greater
understanding awareness and representation for lesbian and gay people fantastic that's a really
positive thing but I don't think we've had the same kind of exposure and understanding for bi
people and because of that there's kind of there you know that because of that, there's kind of there,
you know, that it's still something that's kind of misunderstood. There's lots of kind of myths
around it, which are usually really negative. Yeah, there's lots of I'm wearing, I mean,
there's kind of bi erasure, and there's biphobia, which is things like people thinking that bi
people are greedy, or promisciscuous or untrustworthy.
It goes on and on.
I don't understand why anyone would think that.
In your article, you said so many of these, you know,
what I consider to be very shocking reactions you've had to, you know, being bi.
Yeah.
Like, you know, I think it's sort of very fascinating that people go to you,
oh, just pick a side.
Happens all the time.
Happens all the time.
And you see it a lot in the lesbian and gay community as well, which is kind of heartbreaking.
Yeah.
Because in lots of ways, I do kind of tick that box.
You know, I face the kind of the challenges that a lot of lesbian and gay people face.
If I'm out with my girlfriend, I could be subject to homophobic abuse all that kind of thing you know coming out to family colleagues at work all those things
um so to not kind of have that solidarity or support from a community that you kind of align
yourself with because you have lots in common is really disappointing yeah I remember you quoted
this in your article but I found it really shocking in that celebrity big brother season when Christopher Biggins made that comment he said the worst type I'm afraid to
say are the bisexuals what it is is people not wanting to admit they're gay yeah just horrific
and that comment wasn't even deemed like unacceptable by Ofcom because they responded
by saying the comments are likely to be within the audience's expectations of
the show. Wow.
Because it was broadcast.
Whereas I know he got booted out for saying other things.
But that comment was broadcast
and it's just, how is
that an acceptable ideology to have
today? Or any day?
Yeah, it's shocking. But it's so
common. It's so common. And
I think for women, if you're a bisexual woman,
you're just assumed to be doing it for male attention.
It's like, I'm not interested in male attention.
And if you're a man, if you're a bisexual man,
it's assumed that you're on a pit stop
to coming out properly in inverted commas.
And it's just not seen as a valid kind of identity.
in inverted commas and it's just it's just not seen as a valid kind of identity thing is i do think that i think mainly when you're young like i have friends who are gay but they were brought up
you know especially when we were still young society sort of still i think it's different
for children now but society still sort of gave us all this idea that we would grow up to marry
someone of the opposite sex and you know know, live together and then have babies.
And that was the traditional family setup that we were all sold.
So I do have friends who are gay, but they, for a brief period, thought they were bi because they started being, they realised they were attracted to the same sex.
And they thought they'd been brought up thinking they would were attracted to the same sex and they
thought they'd been brought up thinking they would be attracted to the opposite
sex and then they did realize oh no actually I'm gay but that's I still
think that like that's quite understandable but I still think it's
absolutely outrageous for people who once they've decided no no no I am
bisexual that then people still don't accept that
yeah it's weird because there's kind of like two arguments to be had about the whole labels thing
one is that it's good to kind of identify with a particular label because then you know you can
have an understanding and awareness of specific challenges that that particular group face so it
can be positive and you can kind of it
it's an identity um you can have community based on kind of shared experience but then the other
part of it is there's it's rigid like there's no wiggle room like what happens you know there's
there's a writer i think stephanie i can't remember her last name but she was a lesbian for years and
then met some guy who was gay and and they got together and people were
outraged people were outraged and it's just like there's you're not allowed to kind of deviate from
your identity at all and i just think that's crap which is bizarre because when you think of the
study that you literally just cited saying 43 of people see themselves young people millennia young
people see themselves in the in the middle between the between the one such a scale it's totally believe it to scale yeah why the
term which you also mentioned your article the term bisexual is also quite
problematic in itself yeah because it's obviously very limiting and it only
references cisgendered people yeah and so there's also the whole thing about
the whole label LGBTQ you know however any many more things you want to add to that, is problematic as well, isn't it?
Why do you think that?
Because I feel like LGB is one thing.
Oh, I see.
Just the kind of differences between it.
Yeah.
And then, you know, if you're trans, I feel like that's actually a separate thing.
It is.
It is.
That's about gender identity and lesbian gay bisexual is sexual orientation
and it all gets lumped together it does but then i get oh yeah it's kind of yeah it can be quite
messy but then like humans are messy you know what i mean and i think i think that's something that
should be kind of just this idea of like people like putting people in little boxes and if you don't fit into
that box then people just can't cope basically and and people you know that lives go up and down and
circumstances change and I know you know when I was even a teenager I never thought I would be
kind of the age I am living with a woman I didn't think that I grew up kind of I had serious
boyfriends um yeah it just wasn't something
that I kind of foresaw for myself so then when did you when did you sort of realize or how did
you realize yeah that you were bi um I think that um wow um so when I was kind of like in my mid 20s
my early 20s actually one of my friends was like I'm into
women and I kind of started meeting out meeting all her friends who were these amazing queer women
and there were women who I hadn't met I hadn't met any women like that before so they weren't
kind of like all my girlfriends were like really femmy if you know what I mean by that which is not
my kind of bag um and they were kind of
like quite butch or quite kind of more masculine presenting and quite political and they were just
this whole new group of people it blew my mind and it just kind of opened my eyes I was like wow
but when I look back now I can kind of definitely pull out things like growing up being a teenager
and when I was younger and think yeah that that was probably a sign but I kind of always I think when I was young I thought that everyone
just felt like that to us to a lesser degree I didn't really kind of you know I had serious
boyfriends like you know long-term relationships guys um and I mean you, I always say if my girlfriend dumped me tomorrow, I wouldn't rule out a relationship with a man.
But I think I would kind of err on the side of women, to be honest.
Yeah, I've had, yeah, the relationships I've had with women, kind of sexual and romantic relationships I've had with women.
I think I would kind of err that way rather than to men.
I think I would kind of err that way rather than to men.
I have plenty of female friends who identify as straight,
but have definitely, like, experimented, if that's the word,
or had relationships or flings or whatever it might be with other women.
I think it's quite normal.
I don't know if it's as normal for men.
I don't know.
Maybe I just don't discuss it enough with my male friends.
Guy friends.
I don't know.
I was thinking about this the other day, though.
So like that Harry Styles song that we were talking about earlier.
So he came out with that song, Medicine.
And he's now been lauded as this kind of bisexual icon because there's a lyric in the song.
Hold on, I'll find it.
What does it say?
He says something like,
The boys and girls are here I mess around with him
and I'm okay with it
yeah
I love it
he's always been very ambivalent
about his sexuality
in interviews
so
and actually looking
at celebrity culture
about this is quite interesting
because then you've got
someone like Miley Cyrus
who came out as pansexual
a few years ago
which do you guys think
that's a better term than bisexual it's weird because for a while I was kind of attaching to
that because I felt like it was more inclusive and included kind of non-binary people and gender
so for people who don't know how can we explain pansexual so by kind of implies two which suggests
that there are only two genders yeah while pansexual is more kind of inclusive and includes people that might identify as non-binary or genderqueer or trans and that kind of thing.
So I did kind of attach myself to that because it was more inclusive and because it applied to me.
But because I feel like increasingly, which is why I wrote the article, I feel like bisexuality is so kind of misunderstood and
people just hate on it so much I really want to kind of fly that flag yeah um and I and you know
a lot of people who do identify as bi including me um don't necessarily think that it's a binary
thing it kind of incorporates all those other groups yeah yeah um yeah so yeah pansexual maybe
that is a better term
if you want to be
more inclusive
I think it might
I think it might be
it's interesting
what you said
about friends
because I've also
got friends
who are gay
but they have
been with
members of
the opposite sex
as well
and I don't
know if they
would identify
as bi
because it's not
something they speak
openly about
which I think
again rings true
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The stigma.
Totally.
Well, this is this other really interesting concept, which you raised this whole concept of gold star lesbians who are women who've never had sex with a man and I actually then after reading an article I had a conversation with some
of my gay friends who said that in there's this whole idea of platinum gays who are like gay men
who've never touched a vagina um and so is that it's that like a thing that you're you're more
attractive or like meant to be I don't know a better catch if you've never been involved with someone of the
opposite sex well I mean the gold star lesbians that I've met that was when I was first kind of
making my first tentative steps into the world of gaydom which was terrifying yeah and I would I did
not identify as bi no way I don't think I would have had a positive response unfortunately and I
think you know there's there is guess, an argument to be had,
which is by calling yourself platinum or gold star,
it's by rejecting the kind of mainstream narrative
of sexuality and acceptability.
And, you know, there's another conversation
about respectability politics and kind of like
about how gay people are only accepted
if they kind of like mimic straight culture by getting together and getting a house and having kids and all that kind of like about how gay people are only accepted if they kind of like mimic straight culture
by getting together and getting a house
and having kids and all that kind of,
whereas other people are like,
no, I reject that.
I want like a different part of me and I,
and you know, go you, crack on.
But so yeah, but I feel like,
yeah, I think, you know,
yeah, it's part of that kind of,
that like stigma and that kind of negativity that's attached to bisexuality, I think.
And I think in kind of having conversations with people about this in unexpected quarters, people you think that might be quite right on about that kind of thing.
It can be quite surprising. And like I've said, you know, when I've kind of been dating women and stuff, you know, when I've been on like women dating sites or or spoken to lesbians like they're just like there's no way I'd go out with a bisexual person
they're gonna yeah they will explicitly say and it's because there's that assumption that they're
just you're gonna jump ship and go off with someone of the opposite sex and it's just like
I have as much chance of doing that with someone of the same gender yeah you know it kind of feeds
back into that idea that
you're like sexually voracious and can't be trusted and you're promiscuous and all these
kind of things and you're attracted to everyone exactly that's another huge one it's like
everything that move anything that's got a pulse and it's like get over yourself it's that's really
not the case and also lest we forget there are probably tons of biphobic, heterosexual people who say they wouldn't date a bisexual person.
Completely.
Of the opposite sex.
Yeah, so true, actually.
Yeah.
Have you ever used dating apps?
Yeah, I have.
What was that like?
Like dating sites years ago.
Especially when I was looking to meet, I used to live in Oxford.
Right.
And like in London, there's like millions of queers.
But when I was living in Oxford I used to live in Oxford and like in London there's like millions of queers but in Oxford
when I was living in Oxford
there weren't as many
it was kind of a website
it was
I'm really showing my age here
plenty
no it's not plenty of fish
it was this one
where you did like
loads of questionnaires
oh they're so long
aren't they all of them
oh I loved it
I'm a bit of a geek
I was like brilliant
yeah
and you could kind of
explicitly say like what
your preferences were and who and so obviously you know I'm sure people people just filtered you out
but then things like they used to be gay dad girls I think um which was very lesbian um and I just
you know going back to you know people you know friends of yours who've said they've had
relationships with people of the opposite sex I just just think there's, yeah, it's people that identify perhaps as
gay and lesbian wouldn't necessarily talk about that openly. There is that stigma and
there's that shame. It's like it invalidates your identity, invalidates your gayness or
something. And I know people like that as well. And it, you know, only after, after
knowing them a long time, that's come out and it's like like it's the secret shameful thing or something
and it's just screwed up I don't know yeah it's strange shame it's a real real
shame I feel like it's some kind of weird unfounded snobbery yeah yeah maybe
it's just strange when you look at like leaps and bounds we've come in terms of
gay and lesbian culture completely and I just don't understand why that hasn't been the same for bisexual people it's like you're diluting the brand you're diluting
the pureness yeah interesting yeah okay so what can people of all sexualities do to be more
inclusive of bisexual people um i think you cannot always just assume.
I mean, a large proportion of people,
well, when we think about LGBTQI people,
that kind of long acronym,
a lot of those people might identify as lesbian or gay.
But I think don't always assume
if somebody's talking about a same-sex partner
that they are lesbian or gay.
They might be bi.
And maybe just kind of asking them about their experience.
I mean, you know,
obviously if it's kind of like a close friend
rather than a random,
you don't have to start grilling them about their sex life.
But yeah, I think just kind of
being aware of those myths that exist
and thinking about those in relation to people
who perhaps are bi
and realising, you know,
that we're not all after your boyfriend or your...
You know what I mean?
We're not these kind of...
I just think these...
And even in kind of popular culture,
whenever you get a bisexual character in a TV show,
they're there to...
You know, they're assholes.
They're not nice people.
They're there to kind of screw people over.
They're duplicitous.
And so maybe kind of having conversations actually
with your friends and people that you know about it and i think that's a really good way for you
to kind of understand the scale of that kind of prejudice because having conversation like i said
with people that you think are quite right on um might be quite revealing and telling about what
people really think about that so maybe kind kind of like familiarising yourself with those myths
and saying, well, you know, I met a bisexual once
and she's not like that.
Or, you know, they're not kind of conforming to those myths and stereotypes.
And maybe just kind of challenging them on that and saying,
well, you know, you wouldn't dream of saying that about a gay person
or a lesbian person, so why do you think it's okay to kind of have these views towards these people um yeah and i
mean you know we're so kind of limited in terms of visibility and representation so it's hard to
even kind of point out people in popular culture and because i feel like that's been such a big
part of of progress for kind of gay and lesbian people over the last 10, five years, that you kind of see people like present, you know,
our Olympians kind of present as musicians, everything.
But there just aren't as many bi people.
And certainly, you know, like you said,
it's the people that do identify as bi or pan tend to be women.
It's very rarely that you see men identifying that way.
So, yeah, I guess just kind of challenging yourself
and thinking about
the stereotypes and perhaps asking people gay and lesbian people or people who you assume to be gay
and lesbian you know is this how you identify you know yeah I think it's really encouraging that
that you know that recent study I think it was from last year about you know that millennials
think of themselves on this scale yeah um i think that's
great i do i think that's really encouraging and i also think you know harry styles love it who
knows what's going on there cara delavine i think it's come out as by she has yeah and so you know
i think that is you know there's there's hope i think you know positive change is is being made
and is occurring and um i've learned a lot already today we've got a few
minutes left so should we rattle through a dating disaster because i've been trying to squeeze one
of these in for weeks and just been too busy thank you so much for sending this in and here goes
i'm from england but i did a year abroad in america while at uni and i can honestly say
i've never got so much male attention in my
life. I'm normally quite reserved but I was really enjoying sowing my wild oats while I was away
so I went out to a club one night and met a really cute guy that I instantly hit it off with.
It was his birthday so we did some celebrating at the bar and then wanted to go back and do some
private celebrating of our own. However I have a policy about never going back to a strange man's
house, so I knew I wanted him to come back with me. Here lies the problem. In America, you get
roommates that actually share a room with you. I wasn't overly fond of her, but being the considerate
roommate that I am, I didn't want to barge into our room at 1am with a drunk male in tow. Instead,
I texted her over and over, asking her if she could go stay with a friend so that I could have the room.
Classy, I know. Luckily, she agreed.
We went back to my room and had a grand old time.
We'd just settled down to go to sleep, still rather drunk and rather naked,
when the door opens and my roommate and her friend walk in.
I guess my roommate got the wrong end of the stick and thought I only wanted to borrow the room for an hour or so,
and next thing I knew we were being shouted at and swore at by her and her friend.
Thankfully, we were still drunk, so we ignored it pretty well and went straight back to sleep after they left.
I had a great night, so I didn't regret it.
But I did feel really bad for kicking my roommate out.
And she totally took advantage of my guilt.
She said that to pay her back, I should take her for dinner, which I easily agreed to
because I did feel awful.
But the cheeky sod sat down
and ordered a seafood pasta
that cost over $40 and dessert.
I was hungover, tired, and weak,
so I forked over the money
for her ritzy dinner,
but never again.
Never had such an expensive hookup.
If you could find a moral in my story,
it'd be much appreciated.
Oh, that was a great story.
That is a great story.
My question is, did she continue seeing this guy?
Was it worth it?
Very good question.
Oh, yes.
If you're listening, please tell us.
Please get in touch.
I just, I genuinely think the American whole university, like, roommate sharing situation is ridiculous.
That must lead to many awkward sexual encounters.
Oh, my God. I think that's mad.
I'd hate it.
I remember when I went to uni,
there were some rooms,
there were some halls of residence
where you'd share rooms
and I was like, absolutely not.
I'm avoiding those at all costs.
Not because I wanted to bring guys back all the time.
I just like my own space.
Anyway, thanks so much for sending the story in
because that was funny
and we pray for you it
sounds like a bit of a nightmare but i guess you were drunk so it was fine not that we're saying
getting drunk is always the answer that's it for today everyone though please do subscribe
if you want to then you'll just get the episode a new episode every week which is you know easy
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Apple Podcasts or Acast or wherever else you get your podcasts
because this does help other people discover it, which will make us happy.
And please keep sending in your dating disasters or your dilemmas
and we will try and solve your problems like the dating wizards that we are.
So if you do have a story to tell, you can email them to us at millennial.love at independent.co.uk
or feel free to tweet us at
rachel underscore hosey and olivia petter
one
all your stories will be kept anonymous as well so you don't have to worry about
that you can also contact us
by joining our facebook group and this is where
we discuss topics from the podcast news
from the dating world we share
interesting articles we've written or well
we think they're interesting.
Hopefully you do too.
And it's a great way for you guys to give us some feedback.
So to join, you just have to go to
facebook.com slash groups slash millennial dot love.
Jo, thank you so much for joining us.
Thank you for having me.
It's been so interesting, so much fun.
I hope everyone's really enjoyed this listen
because I feel like it's the topic that I just don't hear people talking about enough.
Me too.
And do go check out Jo's full article on voices as well.
Yes, please do.
If you just give it a Google,
Joanna Whitehead, The Independent Voices, Bisexuality.
Google those things.
It's well worth a read.
They have wonderful SEO, so I'm sure it will come up.
Let's do it.
Please listen again next week, guys.
And farewell.
Bye.
Bye-bye. please listen again next week guys and farewell bye bye bye
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