Love Lives - #31 Inside the world of professional matchmaking

Episode Date: April 27, 2018

Finding a match for yourself in this day and age is nothing short of a battle. So this week, we welcome matchmaker and founder of Social Concierge Nana Wereko-Brobby to find out all about the millennials who pay for a professional to find potential soulmates for them. What makes a good match? And how does the whole matchmaking process work?We've also got not one but two brilliant dating stories sent in by you lovely listeners, both of which are sure to leave you on a high (if for very different reasons).Don't forget to join our Facebook group to stay up to date! https://www.facebook.com/groups/millennial.love/Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/millenniallove. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca. Hello and welcome to Millennial Love, the Independent Lifestyle Desk weekly podcast on love, dating and relationships, hosted by me, Rachel Hosey, Assistant Lifestyle Editor. And me, Olivia Petter, Lifestyle Writer. There are so many podcasts out there about dating, but Olivia and I did not really think any of them were completely reflecting our own experiences. We're both single, we're both in our 20s and we are very much battling our ways through the joys and the struggles of single life today. So that's why we decided to launch Millennial Love. This week we are thrilled to welcome professional date concierge and matchmaker Nana Wareko-Brobby who runs Social Concierge, London's invite-only dating club. Hello Nana. Hi. Thank you so much for coming today. Could you briefly explain what

an invite-only dating club actually means? Sure so the idea behind Social Concierge was that I'd sort of run out of options to date within my friendship circle and I also didn't like the idea of going online so the core bit of invite invite only means that we function as a private members club where people apply and then we choose them based on commonality to the same group so once we have our core group of members we host private parties in London and New York and the idea is that you walk into a room everyone there is a social concierge member you have something in common with them and then you just take it from there exciting well we're going to go to one of the events soon aren't we to check it out yeah I

went to one a couple months ago was it a couple months ago and it was yeah maybe even a year ago at um tramp in german street and it was it was really cool it was really interesting to be in a space where you know that everyone's there to meet someone you know that everyone is single in that space i've never been to i've never even been to like a speed dating event or anything like that before but you're not um you're not a member liby no no no no okay, no. No. Okay. No, no, no. No, no, no. No. We'll have to check it out. And so as part of Social Concierge, you also do matchmaking, don't you?

Yeah. So we have two aspects to the club. We have the social club, which is where you sign up and you go to the parties. But then we also have the elite matchmaking club, which is for people who sign up, they think they can make the parties and then they realize they're too busy. So what they want is one introduction a month that's so interesting okay and we're definitely gonna ask you more about matchmaking as we get on in the podcast because i think it's fascinating i'm so intrigued about the whole way you would bring two people together so lots to get into today

however firstly let's have a little catch-. Livvy, what's been going on? Not a huge amount to report, but... So I recently discovered a friend of mine told me about an ex of an ex of mine. See what I mean? An ex of an ex. Yeah. Got it. So this was a guy I saw a while ago for a couple months, and we never really spoke about exes. And I recently discovered who one of his exes was fascinating and it really freaked me out I don't

know if this is normal but I just found myself fascinated by this girl and just couldn't help but compare myself to her suddenly felt really insecure about like my career the way I looked like everything and it really affected me and I've never had that before and I just became obsessed I was like god what am I doing why am I making myself feel so awful because also she was so different from I mean from what I could tell she seemed like a completely different person to me yeah and it just baffled me because I was like well what on earth was he ever doing with me well I think it's quite normal to feel like that and even if you'd found out about the ex while you were still dating,

you probably then would have stalked her. Or even I, if I fancy a guy, I will still then stalk the exes and compare myself. Yeah, I think it's so unhealthy though. Yes, I don't think it's healthy. It's a toxic rabbit hole to dig yourself under. It's quite natural though. I mean, we have clients who, when we're talking about what are you looking for in a guy, they actually bring photos of their exes. Really? and you're like well so you're looking for someone just like your ex and they're like no not at all completely different but here are their photos

like okay okay I'll work with that that's fascinating well I actually do think that Libby has a tie yeah we were talking about this earlier okay she always goes for the same guy she'll go like oh I'm going on a date with this guy tonight and then she'll show me his profile or tell me what he's like and i'm like that's exactly the same as the last guy you dated but you probably don't see that no i'm starting well now i've now i've noticed there might be a slight pattern emerging um so yeah maybe i should fix that oh it's fine i mean i had the year of the Sams, so, you know. How many Sams were there? Well, three Sams. Three Sams of 2016. One after the other? Um, no, I think there were a few.

I know, I thought I had a problem, to be honest. I was like, God, I'm only, I'm only allowed to date Sams. But, um, no, we've moved on from the Sams. But anyway. On to Alex. Yeah, there was Toms for, I don't know. They all have the same names, boys our age. Are you still doing your dating app sabbatical? I am. It's nearing the end of the month now. So this is my dating app detox for,

for April. And I have to say, I've now like, you know, whereas I used to, if I was in on a Sunday evening, watching friends or a rom-com or something, I would automatically want to be swiping my way through whatever it was that I was on and now like it sounds like it's like when you

like quit sugar or something and now I'm like oh now I don't even think about it it's you know it's like when they say you give something up it takes sort of two weeks for it to be a habit and you don't crave it anymore and genuinely it's a bit like that um however I'm obviously going to go back on the apps come the start of May however I do think it's been good for me to just have this little break and apart from that one date at the beginning of the month I haven't dated anyone and I've I also but I also haven't really met anyone and this is another reason why social concierge is so interesting because I i sort of thought oh i'm sure i can you know meet guys in real life and it's not like i'm not sociable like

i'm out every night minus like sunday and like going to things where there are people and i just don't meet anyone no neither because when i'm out with my friends i'm out with my friends you know what i mean and we're happy in each other's company like there's no need to approach anyone else I was at a friend's birthday drinks last weekend and we were having a lovely time we were in like this there's this pub with this near where I live in Brixton with this lovely garden and it's got all these sort of beach huts and it's really fun and it was a summery evening you know when it was briefly summer for a few days that was nice wasn't it um and there were all these pretty much everyone there was in their 20s there were loads of hot guys there including awkwardly uh one guy that um i went on one date

with about a year and a half ago and he then ghosted me and we definitely both clocked each other but no one said anything but anyway him aside there were all these other guys there with their mates and i was obviously clocking them all and going like there's a hot guys here but no one talked to anyone obviously i'm there with my own group of friends. But how do you, what? I mean, how do you do that? I wonder if that's worse now, though. I wonder if, you know, a couple years ago.

I think it's much worse. Yeah. I think people have just become really lazy because you have everything at your fingertips. And it's strange. If you think about when you were really young and you had those underage discos and that sort of thing, and it was really painful to go to them,

like sort of wait around, look at the other side of the room with the guys. And then you had to basically just man up and walk over. And then once you were snogging, it was like wonderful. And you're like, God, I'm so glad I did that. But it feels like people want to avoid that painful moment and just get straight to the pleasure. And it just means that we're all quite lazy about it.

Yeah. What I always argue is that if you match with someone on an app a you know they single or that you know they should be single and you know that they fancy you a bit so you know if you've matched and then then you talk to them fine whereas just going up to a stranger it's like they might not be single they might not be straight they might not fancy you yeah so lots of chance for rejection but i think that's the thing that's why people approach people less in real life because you don't in real life you don't have the validation of a match yeah so you don't have that knowledge of knowing okay we both fancy each other game on you just otherwise it's all it's all left and unsaid it's all a game like you just

don't really know so maybe people are just afraid yeah i am i mean. I mean, I was about to say I am. I'm definitely afraid. But you sort of have the validation of chemistry. I mean, you have chemistry across the bar the way you're doing with an app. I think it's about eye contact, isn't it? Exactly. And people don't like to make eye contact anymore anyway, really, so that's the problem.

I feel like I sometimes will get that eye contact with a guy where you just sort of like, you know, catch eyes a few times, but still. What's your next move? I get it on the tube. I fall in love on the tube every single day. Same, same, same, same. And I create these fantasies

and I'm like, oh my God, he's going to come up to me and say... No, but everyone's got their headphones in. Yeah, no, I know. I mean, it never works. Two stops later, they're off, obviously. But it's just so funny.

Going home to their girlfriend. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, Dating App Detox has nearly finished, but I think it's been good for me. Nana, have you been up to anything exciting, interesting? So I have actually. Last week I went to a four-day conference, which was really extreme.

It was Tony Robbins, who's sort of Los Angeles life guru. People are obsessed with him. It's a real cult following. And it was like 7.30 in the morning till midnight every single day. Do not leave the room. It was insane. And it's all about unleashing the power within, making you a better business person and a better person generally.

So I got a lot of takeaways to do with dating because his whole, I guess his whole ethos is all about taking control and being responsible and, you know, owning your own life. Love it. And the thing that really resonated with me, which I do try and pass on to my clients, is that there is a slight sort of laziness with some of my clients generally and people generally when it comes to dating because once they get into this

room you know they've signed up to the club they've paid their money you know the service is being provided there are loads of people in the room who are single I think people still expect then the matches to just flow Prince Charming to walk up and say I noticed you across the bar I'm a so concierge member like can I buy you a drink that sort of thing when actually the people who do the best at these parties they they sort of just put in 110 effort it's like yeah it's like if you if you work in a job and you want to pay rise it's not just going to come to you no it's not going to come to you you have to do 110 percent got to be proactive not reactive exactly so yeah this this conference got me thinking that i'm just going to whip up my clients a little bit more um perhaps like release a few um just sort of short ebooks to send them or just like little white papers um because we do try and educate our clients a little

bit because our concept is very new. So people always say, oh, is it like a singles party or is it speed dating? And we're completely trying to move away from that because the whole idea is that I want dating to feel glamorous and fun and sort of, oh my God, yes, I am going to this dating party and I'm bloody proud of it rather than like, oh yeah, I guess I'm going to the speed dating.

Like how awkward, I'm kind of just doing it as a joke and I actually just want people to own it and be like, bloody hell, I'm going to the speed dating, like how awkward. I'm kind of just doing it as a joke and I actually just want people to own it and be like, bloody hell, I'm going to the speed dating, well, not speed dating party, but I'm going to the stage concierge party. I can't wait. Like, let's do this.

To be fair, I'm rather excited to go to everywhere you know all the men are single. I'm so excited. Totally. Everyone's an option. We will report back, everyone. Don't worry.

So, Libby, have you got a bio of the week for us i do so i last couple weeks i've been the one that's sort of been looking for these bios because i have not been on the apps no so rachel hasn't been allowed so i've picked up a few sort of bug bears um i'll give you the one that i found this week. So this is Daniel, 23, said, My grandparents met on Bumble, so I thought I'd give it a try. I like it. I've seen similar things. It's quite cute, but I'm like, I have seen it a few times. Yeah. I mean, it wins points for originality in my book

because I haven't seen anything like that. And speaking of which, I have compiled a little list of the most annoying things I am sick of seeing on bios. As in things you just see all the time. Yes, the most common things. am sick of seeing on things you just see all the time yes the most common things and it's just bumble I mean bumble is the one that I tend to use but and I think tinder is the same it's just like a homogenized profile like everything is literally the same first of all okay I'll start the list things I'm sick of seeing in buyers number one much better looking in real life. Really?

Yeah. I don't even see that that often. Oh, I see that a lot. That's not funny. But you know my theory is that all boys look better in real life and all girls look better in pictures. Yeah. I completely agree. Right? Yeah.

I actually sometimes ask my male clients if I can actually just take some photos for them. They just have no pictures of themselves. And they don't know how to work their angles or get good lighting. Maybe there's some truth in that. Number two, looking for my princess. Oh, boring. No. I thought that was quite sweet.

No, I mean, that strikes with the patriarchy to me. Okay, number three, likes holidays. Oh, and traveling. Everyone loves travel, yeah. Everyone likes holidays and traveling. Yeah. It would be interesting if you're likes holidays. Oh, and traveling. Yeah. Everyone loves travel, yeah. Everyone likes holidays and traveling. Yeah. It would be interesting if you were like, do not like traveling. Yeah.

Or hate holidays. And I'd be like, hmm, you're weird, but I'm intrigued. Exactly. No one's intriguing. And the fourth one, and I know you're going to disagree with me on this one, emojis. I bloody love an emoji. I know, I really can't bear them. I know you have about seven on your own profile.

I think maybe three. Okay, fine. But anyway, but that just like shows, I met can't bear them. I know you have about seven on your own profile. I think maybe three. Okay, fine. But anyway, but that just shows, I met there are guys who hate emojis and you should match with them. Whereas some guys like emojis, so I want to match with them. This is very personal,

but my last one, why does everyone live in Brixton? I mean, I... Everyone on these dating apps lives in Brixton. I swear to God. Well, I do live in Brixton, and so my answer is just that it is the most fun place in London to live.

If you don't live in London, you may not know. Brixton is an area in South London, in Lambeth to be precise. And it's very fun and very cool. It is. It is very fun and very cool. Not everyone lives there. A lot of people I know live there. And people on dating apps. And they tell you that they live there.

Yeah. And that they love Brixton. And that they live in Brixton. And they love Brixton. And they drink coffee in Brixton. And eat pizza in Brixton. Well, there's a lot to do in Brixton, quite frankly. Well, evidently.

I think I should be paid for the Brixton tourist board right now. Come to Brixton. Anyway, that's it. All right. Thanks for that. Maybe next week I'll come by on my own list. Please do. It's a nice little aside. Right. So, thanks for that. Maybe next week I'll come by on my own list. Please do. It's a nice little aside.

Right, so thanks for that. The main thing we're going to talk about today is matchmaking, which I just, I love as a concept and I am very, very intrigued by it. So, Nana, can you tell us about how it works at Social Concierge and how you go about putting two people together yep sure so um one of the interesting things i guess is that social concierge does matchmaking a bit differently to most matchmakers in london and new york because the matchmaking scene is ludicrously expensive like it can go from ten thousand pounds a year up to a hundred thousand

that's insane yeah i met a matchmaker the other day she charged a hundred 000 pounds a year up to 100 000 that's insane yeah i met a matchmaker the other day she charged 100 000 pounds a year i said how many matches does that get and she was like usually 10 to 12 they're quite busy what yeah so the sort of gap in the market i guess that we deal with is people who paid 200 pounds a day once a month but they're not as prescriptive as the people who pay ten thousand pounds right so really what they're saying is i just want to meet someone i've got something in common with so you know driven professional in their 20s and 30s but i don't have time to come to the parties so can you just make an introduction and they're actually my clients are quite relaxed in that respect they're not like i want someone who's six foot one who works works in the city, who blah, blah, blah. They say, I just having met you over cocktails, I just want someone who you think I might click with.

That's interesting. So it's a bit more natural, partly because I used to do a matchmaking service that was very expensive. And it's a very strange dynamic between the matchmaker and the client. You very much feel like a sort of butler. And if they say they want this you have to go and deliver yeah so can i actually just interject and ask about the very expensive matchmaking is that literally like someone comes to you and says this is this exact checklist of exactly what i want and i'm not going to compromise on any of these things and i'm paying you to find

this person yeah a hundred percent that's. There are brilliant agencies out there, though, and I really, really respect what they do because it is the hardest job. It's very emotional as well. But when I was doing the matchmaking, I just remember having a client maybe four years ago who was paying me a serious amount of money. He was in the city.

He was in his late 30s. And he wanted, you know, 23 years old, looks like a model but isn't a model, has her own money, but, you know, is also well- like a model but isn't a model has her own money but you know is also well educated like all of these things um and then you're you know i'd hustle hard because i was quite young i just set up the company i was like i can do it and then i'd go and find this person be like i've nailed it introduce them they'd have a great time he'd be like brilliant next so also they get into this thing where if you really deliver, they're like, wow, I wonder how many beautiful,

accomplished people she has. It's the whole culture of just like thinking like, well, someone else could be one swipe away or one match away. Totally. It's just expensive swiping. Whereas I feel like with my clients now, they're, you know, 200 pounds for someone in their 20s or 30s. Like even if they've got a good job,

it's still no small amount of money and it's if you're serious about finding someone yeah exactly and it's very much about having a friendship with them so I get to know them over cocktails we meet up each month to recap over the dates and there's no magic formula really aside from the fact that I'm a people person and I can read people and that sort of thing and I've obviously just got a lot of singles on my books. So it's more about just getting to know them as a friend and then be like, oh, yeah, actually, you and Andrew would be perfect.

And then I just make the introduction. And so when you like someone comes to you who's paying for the matchmaking service, would you then only be able to match them with someone else who was also paying for the service or just any of your members? No. So it's it's actually so we go three places. First, you look at the other who was also paying for the service or just any of your members no so it's um it's actually so we go three places first you look at the other people who are paying for the matchmaking just because the intent then is exactly the same so it's very even though that's a very small group they're all looking for the same thing then you go to the social club members right and then outside of that we have an open database so people can register on our website to be an option for any of the people being match made.

Yeah. So we have like thousands and thousands of people on the open database who don't come to the parties. But if we're looking for matches, we comb through the database and then I might go and interview someone who I think is a potential. So interesting. And can I ask when people come to you with like specific lists of what they're looking for, lists of what they're looking for do you ever try and surprise them and give them something that they don't actually want but you think they don't know that would actually work really well for them yeah I do quite quite a lot because I just I try and make sure that people are open-minded yeah so as I said like people don't tend to be too prescriptive with me but if it's not working after three I always say okay it's time to either cancel the membership or have a sit down and do a proper review about whether what you're looking for is is too specific or whether actually

we should mix it up a little bit because if you if you keep doing the same thing over and over again and the same thing keeps happening then that's the time where you have to pivot and change things up oh that's interesting I think oh that's really struck a chord with me not even just on like obviously I've not done the matchmaking thing we've just done like the dating thing you keep doing the same thing over and over again and not getting anywhere oh my god that is my life okay i need to change something up how exciting because i think i think i would need to be surprised i would need to be given someone that i wouldn't normally go for myself well i know exactly what you normally go for which is why i need something different, I think.

All right, excellent. I'm going to matchmake you. Should I matchmake you? Make you a match? Okay. I'm just singing that song now, matchmakers. Oh, yeah, I know. I can train you in the new world.

We actually had a really wonderful couple get married just the summer that just passed. Yeah, and we've had a few get married, but this one was good because they went on a date it's a two you put together yeah yeah match made both of them one was paying the other was a social member and i said literally you guys have to meet they went on this date they came back being like i can see where you're coming from but we're just not sure so then they paused for about three months and i followed up being like honestly just give it a second date come Come on, just buck up. And then they went on a second date. Then they went third, fourth, fifth.

And then it just like went into a completely different gear. But a lot of people after the first date, they just drop off because, as you say, they have other options. Or, I don't know, they just get busy. And a lot of people don't behave like themselves on a first date, I think, because the stakes are so high. Especially if it's the first time you're meeting someone. You're so nervous. Especially if you've been put together to think, like, you guys should get on.

Then it's a bit like, ah! Completely. I've heard that a lot with friends of mine who have been on first dates, and it's sort of fizzled, and then maybe they've bumped into each other on a night out a couple months later, and then it blossoms into this relationship. out a couple months later and then it blossoms into this relationship.

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And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a node. That's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Well, I fully always say the second date is more of the real test because the first date is like, you're just sort of, if you're anything like me,

you're just sort of gathering their life story and then on the second date you're actually working out of your personality to click and you have stuff to talk about that it's not like so where did you grow up what did you get in your a-levels why are you head boy this is rachel's criteria i mean i mean are you head boy you just get a plus point if you want I just think it says a lot about someone okay so Nana

what I want to ask you is do you get very invested in the couples when you must get excited if you put two people together and you think oh my god

I think they're really going to hit it off and then if they don't is it disappointing and then if they carry on dating then do you get really excited and how do you find it? Yeah it's such an emotional process which I think is why I'm I'm quite happy the main bit of the club is obviously the parties and then I never really take on more than say 20 clients to

matchmaker any one time because if you're if you make the match I honestly and I'm probably naive compared to some other matchmakers but I honestly believe that this is the person they should be meeting so if they say do you know what I don't even think I want to meet that person that is very disappointing so they get one pass and then you go and look for someone else but if they go on the date and then it's just if they pick out something that feels so trivial then that's when it's a real kind of dagger in the heart because you know, he seemed an inch too short or, I don't know, he seems like he's

in between careers, I think he's going to leave the city to do something else. Some of those comments, you're then just like, oh lord. God, it must be so fascinating just into the human behaviour, this job. It really is, it really is. And actually one of the most interesting things in the last two weeks is, I've been doing a lot of matches.

And we get to the point where with the agency, we used to say, OK, you guys go on a date. We're going to book you drinks at this bar. It's going to be really sexy. We've got a good table. It's all about curating the experience. And that was like really time intensive. So now I offer, do you want to just do a number swap? Because sometimes people want to choose what they want to do.

Right. And message a bit first. Exactly. So we'd do a number swap because sometimes people want to choose what they want to do right and message a bit first exactly so we'll do a number swap say a week before and this has happened with three people in the last fortnight they do a swap and sometimes it's a blind date if the guy has a terrible picture or something and I still think they should meet so they do a number swap and whatsapp shows shows their pictures so then they end up using the service a bit like tinder in that yeah they look at the photos and they're like oh i just don't think so so then they drop out so when you go to someone and say i've got a match for you you don't show them a picture no i usually don't i say if you're if you're the paying client and you say i have to have a picture then i'm like that's fine but if i

have these pictures of this person i'm like they don't do that person justice. And I know that you guys should meet. I say, listen, maybe you should just trust me on this one and just go to this bar and meet. I think that's a really good tactic, though. It's fascinating. Because I think we must miss so many people that we could potentially match with on dating apps. Because we just, a lot of the time. It's so looks based. It is so looks based.

A lot of the time I don't read people's profiles except when I'm doing this bio stuff. I always read profiles. i don't read people's profiles except when i'm doing this bio stuff i always read profiles i don't really like with guys i don't i only look at the bios of the guys that i might be interested in i suppose you mean like sometimes you might like discard them based on their looks before you even get to the bio exactly but how but that's so superficial no but i'm sorry there does have to be physical attraction though yeah there does but then as you said like you know some people just take terrible photos it's true it's very true so you know if when you have the parties if two if people get together or whatever do you do they tell you do you find out or do you just don't really know who's got together or not so we have um crowd

mixologists who are these people at the parties who make introductions oh my god amazing they're so nice so they're like really out there they're kind of like the eccentric hosts who say oh darling you must meet so and so i love it every party needs that yeah exactly and they sort of they act a bit sort of more camp and larger than life so that the idea is that they have to embarrass themselves rather than the client yeah um so they also keep an eye on what's going on and towards the end of the night you know you do get a bit of teenage snogging and all that sort of stuff and then there's usually an after party so actually the first the party's like three hours and then it's the after party where you get sort of all of the gossip and that sort of thing so it's either at a club or it's you know in another venue

and can i ask when you make the matches because everyone always rabbits on about opposites So it's either at a club or it's, you know, in another venue. Brilliant. So fun. And can I ask, when you make the matches, because everyone always rabbits on about opposites attract and you need to be different, but then some people say you need to have these common interests. When you're making matches, how much do you look at similarities in terms of interests, education, like backgrounds, hobbies, that kind of thing?

So with our club club basically the common um the common interests or the common sort of demand is that everyone wants someone who's basically like driven and well educated just cares about what they do so the thing that people say most when i'm matchmaking is like i just want someone who's passionate i don't care what they're passionate about they just have to be passionate about something. Yeah, it's honestly, almost every single person says it. And it's true because you think, sorry, no. You're just like everyone else. Everyone in our club, not the world.

But it's true because you think they'll just put that passion into the relationship, into your lives together, that sort of thing. So yeah, I look for interest in that respect. And sometimes one of the other trends we have is a lot of our more corporate guys. So we have a lot of guys in finance and a lot of the time they just say,

I don't want to date someone in the same industry and I'm actually quite interested in dating someone who's maybe a musician or a creative or something like that. Or a journalist. Or a journalist, exactly. Purely because they just want to escape the office and then have have someone show them a new world um and i can imagine with you guys like the stuff that you do

in the evenings is like really fun in a total different world so if you're dating someone in a corporate job but they appreciate it and they can also show you how to be like a structured person and how to do your accounts and stuff like that oh yes I mean not to be a cliche but I do struggle with with that I don't understand taxes but I don't know I mean the person that I'm dating it's literally we're the same person because we're both in the dating industry we're both entrepreneurs we both do the same sort of things so I just think you can argue it either way to be honest it just depends what you're looking for yeah, it does depend on a case-by-case basis. I always wonder that because I look at the relationships my friends are in

and some of them, they're just so different. I would never put them together, but it just works. Yeah, it's like sometimes I think often it works if one person's really chill and laid back and the other person might actually be quite highly strung. And sometimes those people really compliment each other and sometimes I think it's just an absolute nightmare like I remember when I was dating someone recently like I'm a planner I really like organization I fill up my diary far in advance and he was like so spontaneous and last

minute and it drove me nuts yeah literally like I could not deal with that i was i was in that case let's plan in this date like a week and a half in advance and make a booking and he's like why don't we just check in on the day and decide what we want to do and i was like no but people love spontaneity that's what everyone always asks for like you know not rachel i'm so the opposite whenever i'm trying to arrange a date with someone she'll be like oh so where are so where are you guys going? And it's like two days before. I'm like, oh, I don't know yet. She's like, what do you mean you don't know? What do you mean you haven't decided?

What do you mean you haven't decided? It doesn't understand. No, but I was so impressed. That guy I was dating recently, we arranged to go out, and then the first thing he was like, okay, so how about this place or this place? And they were both good places,

and he was going to book it in, and I was like, yes, good sign. This was the head boy. See what I'm saying? In case you hadn't guessed, Rachel was head girl as well. Well, no, at my prep school. Not like at my secondary school. Oh, God, I didn't know that.

I know. I need to look for a prep school head boy so on my level. I think I might be punching if I go for a secondary school head boy. So you were 12 or 11? 13 okay yes shut up god i want to see a picture of you with your head girl badge uh it was very good actually and i am on the board at school so you know you can appreciate that um my school things aside look i want to think maybe wrap this whole thing up by asking

so for people who you know aren't in London, don't have access to services like yours or any other matchmaking services if they want to think just about themselves of what would make a good match for them what advice can you give them

what do you think makes a good match or what do you think people need to look out for to find a good match for them um well I think one of one of the important things is that you don't look for your partner to basically satisfy every every need and every part of your social life and and every interest so going back to whether you go for people who you have stuff in common with or not you you need to. I think it's enough to isolate a couple of things like humor, spark and chemistry that work and try and kind of forget the rest. And it's kind of at the moment, obviously, self-development is becoming a really big thing in London, in the UK, in a way that it hasn't been before, because it's a very American thing to self-improve and all that sort of stuff. It's a very American thing to self-improve and all that sort of stuff. But the positive thing about that coming to the UK is people are thinking a bit more about actually making themselves better

before they go out and meet people. And in London especially, I find that obviously we use alcohol as a bit of a dating jacket, a sort of armour, which stops you from sometimes having a genuine connection with someone. So you bowl from relationship to relationship. And i would just tell most people you should probably if you've been single for a while as i said you obviously need to change something up not necessarily just with your dating routine but how you relate to yourself and what you're looking for so engaging with things i know tony robbins is an extreme example but actually just read it read a bit of

philosophy read a bit of self-help start to think about which need you want your relationship to fulfill rather than having that relationship fill fulfill everything yeah um and also travel for love and i know that sounds a really hippie-ish thing to say but with our club in new york i mean the women have it harder than london there are way more women in in New York really way more and it's really difficult for them and there's an article that I read ages ago about this woman who said when you walk down the streets of New York you're in a city full of supermodels and celebrities you know you can go to a bar and and someone super famous is literally next to you

there's no division like you have in London and it makes you feel really bad about yourself and then this woman in the article, she moved to like the deep south or something. And she just describes walking down this like local road and like people's heads turning and like her confidence shooting up. And it is all about confidence. So, you know, unless you're completely confident

and happy to just be competitive in these cities and battle, battle, battle, then like you should open your horizons a little bit and think about if I've been single in this city for 10 years and I've got some clients who have been, then maybe it's not the city for me. And what's more important, finding love and finding a life that suits me or just cracking on with my corporate job and just laying that to rest?

It's very good advice. 10 years, Rach, deep south, let's go. Right, okay, yeah. We've got a few years to go and then if we're still single, off we pop. laying that to rest it's very good advice 10 years rach deep south let's go right okay yeah we've got a few years to go and then if it's still single yeah off we pop good then we'll find love yeah i had a client saying she's moving to manchester because she thinks the men are more friendly and a bit hotter and slightly more manly you know london's so it's interesting because you know all these studies say that like it has more single people than anywhere else. So you could kind of argue that, oh, well, if I move there, I'll meet all these single guys.

Or if you're a guy, single girls. Or if you're, well, straight. You know, irrelevant. But then the fact of the matter is there are all the singles. So kind of like everyone's single. People are dating, but no one's settling down or finding the right people, or we're all staying single. I don't know.

I do think that people in the bigger cities are always very independent and very driven, and that's obviously a great thing, but I do think people stay single for longer. Much longer, for sure. Anyway, there's hope. We have time. Do you know what else we have time for?

The dating disaster story? Yes, this is a good one. We do. We do. We've had quite a few sent in recently and we've got quite a lot to get through. So hopefully next few weeks we'll have time to put them in. So thank you so much for sending them in.

This is a dating disaster story which sort of turns into a dating success. So here we go. Me and my friend have been sitting on this tail since 2016. My best friend was rather newly heartbroken and single at 20, so she gave Tinder a try. She was set up to go on this date with a nice enough guy. It was her first Tinder date. He seemed really interested and even sent her voice notes of him singing.

Vom. So vom. Anyway, the day of the date comes, she's ready and makes her way to the meeting point. Goes to ask him where he is when she arrives to discover she has been blocked on all platforms. WhatsApp, Tinder and anything else they had swapped. She was understandably perplexed, angry and deflated. I was so angry for her, I'd been so hopeful. She came and saw me at work afterwards and bitched about him wondering how many girls he may have even done this to so we hatched a plan get revenge by seeing if it was possible to find him on my

account and then stand him up after many swipes we found him and lured him in he used the same lines on me that he'd used on my friend and the tactic we changed with our dialogue was that i seemed a bit more you could say easy it didn't take us long to get a date the next day the next day while we sat at home he made his way to the date he updated me slash us with updates of his journey and then as soon as he arrived we returned the favor by blocking him on all platforms my best friend felt better and i was pleased i could assist her i felt like we we got one back I think that's fantastic. I can't believe that guy did that. Why would he do that?

What's the point? What is the point? It's such an effort. I don't understand why he wouldn't just like make up some excuse and cancel before than just not go and block her on everything. Very, very odd. A complete lack of common decency.

I wonder how much that happens. It must happen the whole time. Yeah, it must. I've never actually been stood up, touch wood. No, neither touch wood, but I always have this fear of being stood up. I've never actually been stood up, touch wood. No, neither touch wood, but I always have this fear of being stood up. I know. I have a friend who had a date and she saw him walk up to her, see her, locate her and turn around.

No. Really? Awful. Oh my God, that would destroy me. Awful. Well, you had a date recently, didn't you, where the guy went to the wrong place and you then waited for an hour of him to come. And I like, I don't think I would have waited. I know.

Does that make me really desperate? I just felt really bad. I just, even though, God, I'm too nice. I just, I felt really bad for him that he'd gone to the wrong place. And I was like, well, I'm already here now. So I just went and got some food, made some friends. It was like, it was like an event. It was great fun. Well, fair enough. I don't know if some food, made some friends. Yeah. It was like an event. It was great fun.

Well, fair enough. I don't know if I would have been so forgiving. Anyway, shall we also power another story? I think we've got time. And I really like this story as well. This is an optimistic one, which we don't get a lot of those. So thank you. I know, I know.

So yeah, let's do it. Okay. I just listened to your episode with Jamie Lang and your comments around how meet-cutes never happen. I, like you, believe this to be true and have also recently sat and teared up in my flat to About Time and P.S. I Love You after swiping right and not feeling satisfied

after my Bumble or Tinder dates. However, last Saturday I did what millennials do best. Went for a three-hour, 90hour 90s themed bottomless brunch with a friend there were games quizzes and even a boy band versus girl band dance-off one of the guys who got up on the dance floor was totally owning it and afterwards my friend suggested we go outside and sit in the pub garden we saw the group of guys and she walked over to ask for a cigarette which they gave her and we were then excited invited to sit down we got chatting and he bought me a couple of drinks and it turns out that our local was the same pub

after an hour or so he asked for my number and we went for a date this week for pizza and wine in notting hill i spoke to the girls at work and they were super impressed that in this day and age you can still meet people irl in real life and end up on a date with them i hope this story spurs you on and leads to a successful dating story for you both. And she got back in touch to say that they have since been on a second date for Junkyard Golf. I love this. Yeah, yeah.

It's like swinging. It's a fun little crazy golf. I love that. Yeah, me too. I'm just like, why doesn't it happen to me? Hang out in Brixton a bit more. Start smoking. I mean, no. I will not start smoking. But that is what happened, isn't it? to me hang out in brixton a bit more start smoking i mean no i

will not start smoking but that is what happened isn't it she went over yeah you have to have a reason to go oh yeah i think you do have to have a reason otherwise it feels unnatural yeah yeah it's really hard to strike up a conversation and be like you know the one time i think you can start talking is if you're like elbow to elbow at the bar like trying to get in asking for a cigarette they're quite bold asking for a lighter yeah all right but asking for a cigarette you know takes balls and it's tougher because not so many people smoke anymore exactly no exactly it's true i don't want to date a smoker no no sorry i've got a checklist haven't i it's problematic there's one quite good move actually um that i suggest to clients at parties where if you um if you're a woman and

you go up to a man and say um you know not say can i buy you a drink but you actually come with a beer or a cocktail or whatever and you deposit it with me and say oh i just ordered too many or whatever like take this and then you walk away they always come back it's interesting because it's also to do with you know men being paranoid for some reason that they're gonna have to buy all of the drinks in the dating game, which is completely ridiculous because that's not how it works. But just sort of dumping that gesture

and then walking away means they always come back and be like, God, that was so nice of you. And you're just like, well, you know, it was like nothing. I was just like, you know, thought you looked thirsty or something. I'm so going to do that.

Honestly, it's good. I love that. Should we try the strategy and report back? Yeah. Exactly. Okay, great. I can't think when I can next try that

tonight we're going to be in the pub tonight we are going to be in a pub tonight we spend so much bloody time together I know oh dear maybe we should spend

less time with each other more time with boys more time with boys yeah alright good good I think that's that's exactly it I don't want to break you guys up though

we should go on a double date oh god no okay i think we should organize several dates yeah yeah i think we should do it they're more relaxing because it kind of feels like there's less pressure but what if what if you fancy my guy and i fancy my guy or you fancy my guy and i fancy my guy or you fancy my guy and i fancy your guy or you know i see what you mean i see what you mean that's true well they do have very different types we do there's a lot of chances for lol in there but also kind of good because then you can the other person can like big up you know what i mean like i could like be like oh my gosh yeah actually olivia is such a good singer they call that wingman yes exactly yeah but then like so you because then you can he can

find out all the good things about you without you having to brag that's true because there are so many good things well you know i'll try and make a list i mean i'll try i'll try and think of some so for you i mean i don't know it's very rude what's head girl in prep school but only prep school not senior school I'm gonna go home and cry now this has really touched a nerve right enough abusing me

thanks very much I think this is a good note to end it on thank you for listening everyone we hope you've enjoyed it we would love to hear your stories please do give us a little rating

if you enjoyed the podcast and we'll write a review we love reviews we would love a review um so it'd be lovely if you could do that on apple podcast or wherever else you get your podcast yeah and please do keep sending in your dating disasters or dilemmas or success stories we like those too we're into optimism here sometimes um and please get in touch by email it's millennial.love at independent.co.uk or you can tweet us at rachel underscore hosey and olivia petter one and every story will be kept anonymous well also on instagram which i just figured you know people message more people

have instagram than twitter my my name is the same rachel underscoreosey mine is Olivia Petter eight just to mix it up a bit so that's one for Twitter eight for Instagram yes okay good um but if Facebook is your social network of choice you can get in touch there we have our Facebook group which is where we discuss topics from the podcast and news for the dating world funny memes about dating who doesn't love a meme and we ask you guys for feedback. So to join, all you have to do is go to facebook.com forward slash groups

forward slash millennial dot love. Nana, thank you so much for joining us. Thanks for having me. It's been so insightful, so interesting.

I always come away from these podcasts feeling like I've learned so much. Me too, and we'll let you know how the party goes in a few weeks.

Oh yeah! You have to put those tips into work. Oh my goodness, yes. And let's try and go on a double date and let's try, oh my god, we've got so many Oh, yeah. You have to put those tips into work. Oh, my goodness, yes. And let's try and go on a double date. And let's try. Oh, my God, we've got so many things to try. So much to do.

I know. God, so much to do with trying to find love. Thanks for listening, everyone, and have a lovely week. See you soon. Bye. Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend,

I break down the biggest stories in pop culture, but when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no. That's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook.

It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Krukschank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts.