Love Lives - #33 Sexual dysfunction with The Naked Professor

Episode Date: May 11, 2018

This week, we're joined by The Naked Professor, whose popular Instagram account is dedicated to showing the authentic and vulnerable sides of masculinity, which he does via a series of nude photographs taken across the globe.The life coach, mental wellness advocate and personal trainer, whose real name is Ben, joins us to discuss sexual dysfunction and specifically, delayed ejaculation, a condition which he has lived with all his life which means he struggles to orgasm.Also known as anorgasmia, it's a problem that is more common in women and, like the majority of sexual problems, is mostly considered to be psychological rather than physical.Follow Ben on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/thenakedprofessor/?hl=enDon't forget to join our Facebook group to stay up to date! https://www.facebook.com/groups/millennial.love/Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/millenniallove. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Whether you're in your running era, Pilates era, or yoga era, dive into Peloton workouts that work with you. From meditating at your kid's game to mastering a strength program, they've got everything you need to keep knocking down your goals. No pressure to be who you're not. Just workouts and classes to strengthen who you are. So no matter your era, make it your best with Peloton. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton.

Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca. Hello and welcome to Millennial Love, the Independent Lifestyle Desk's weekly podcast on love, dating and relationships, hosted by me, Rachel Hosey, Assistant Lifestyle Editor. And me, Olivia Petter, Lifestyle Writer. There are endless podcasts about dating out there, but we didn't feel any of them really reflected our own experiences as two ladies in our 20s battling through the joys and struggles of single life today. And that's why we decided to launch Millennial Love. This week, we are delighted to welcome life coach and mental health blogger Ben known as The Naked Professor. Hi Ben, welcome. Hello, how are you? Thank you for having me. We are very well thanks, we're excited to have you here. So Ben's Instagram account is called

The Naked Professor and it originally caught my eye a while ago, not just because of the mainly nude pictures of Ben but also because his account preaches a really important message, which we're going to ask Ben to explain later. And he's also recently spoken out on national television about a sexual problem, which sort of kick-started it all, which is why we have Ben joining us today. Before we get into all that, though, let's have our catch-up, guys. Livvy, what's new? I'm really struggling with the podcast actually to be completely honest with you because no not with the podcast itself but because obviously we

date people and then we talk about it on this podcast yes when we know that the boys that we date listen to the podcast it it strikes up a few conundrums it does um so i'm grappling with that i thought of that i really when i was listening i was like you guys share a lot like if i was if i was on a date with you guys i'd probably be tuning in to find out how it went yeah it's weird it hasn't happened to me a lot because the last guy i dated never listened to it but which was weird because he knew about it yeah i know but another guy it was sort of like in protest like he thought he was above it all anyway that's a whole other story but a recent guy who I was on a date with was like oh yeah I love the podcast and started asking me all these questions about stories I told on the podcast but but it's weird

because these are obviously stories I've shared publicly but not shared privately with him it is odd um that is odd yeah so it's a strange strange thing because it's sort of different to a dating column because in a dating column you have the time to write things down and you can give people pseudonyms and it's just... We just blurt it out. Yeah. It's just a bit more candid in a podcast. So anyway, that's all fun and games.

I completely know what you mean. I feel like personally, if I'm talking about something at the time, I never share too much detail, but then perhaps when it's all ended yeah and then i'm referring back to an anecdote i might be a bit more open about it i think that's my tactic is when it's currently happening it's a bit strange but if you wait a few weeks you know when they've when it's ended and fizzle does everything ever does then you can talk about it you guys are really but all the things i've heard from you girls are very brave thank you right i really need to open my heart coming on this you guys have set the standard we're not placing naked pictures on social media

just you wait give it a couple of weeks you'll be there it'll get you all um it's a different kind of bravery isn't it yeah it's sort of being very open and vulnerable speaking of which Rachel you had an interesting message this week. I did have an interesting message. I don't know if I must have spoken about this a few weeks ago about how I was going to go out with this guy and then I sort of was just looking at my diary and I was like, I'm too busy. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I would have sort of one free evening a week

and I was like, actually on that evening, I just want to do nothing. And so I basically told him, I'm really sorry. I think I'm too busy right now to date anyone. And then, like, nearly a month went by, and he popped up out of the blue, messaged me the other day, basically saying, I was thinking about what you said, and I think we're all really busy.

I'm busy. Everyone in London is busy. And I think we should just find a way to give it a try and go for it. Nice. And I was, like, actually, like, okay, I mean, I really respect that, actually. That's really ballsy, and it takes guts to do that. So, yeah, all right. And actually, the day before I got that message,

certain Olivia Petter had just cancelled our Friday night plans. So I was suddenly free. So it looks like I will go out with him. Amazing. So, we'll see. He was quite forward. He was like, we should just start dating. And I was thinking, well, I mean, I think we'll start with a first date.

And see how it goes from there. Definitely. I was wondering if this was going to be the story, the one you said that your friend fell down the stairs. That was the last, that was the podcast I heard. That was it. It was that. That was the guy that I cancelled the date on because i just dropped you in it if he listens now how's your

friend who fell down the stairs recovering well yes it was just a spray okay okay sounded tricky for a minute i know i know it was very very serious then what have you been up to? Dating-wise or life-wise? Whatever you want to talk about. I don't have much dating information really because life has been so full on for me. I put my heart and soul into this blog that I'm running and there's also a few other things that's going on with me.

And I'm kind of of the opinion right now that I'm loving what I'm doing and it's going really well and it's taking me on this amazing journey, to use a cliche. And I'm kind of like, just do what I'm doing and it's going really well and it's taking me on this amazing journey, to use a cliche. Yeah. And I'm kind of like, just do what I'm doing, keep smashing it, and life is going to evolve around that. Yes, yes.

Keep doing what I'm doing, keep loving it and let it happen. And that kind of means that, and I'm not on any dating apps, I'm not really, you know, I'm 36, most of my friends are out with their two kids in the park. You know, that's how days are spent these days. So it's not like you're getting the call on the Friday night and Saturday night saying, where are we going? Yeah.

Like I did in my 20s. So, you know, and I've kind of got to say I'm happy with that and I love waking up feeling fresh and going to the gym and writing and doing everything that I'm doing. But the contrary to that means that, you know, I'm not really out there and I'm not really dating and I'm not doing much of that stuff. Well, what I've just found is because I like

did a pause on dating apps for a while and I didn't go on dating apps and I, because I was trying to see if you could meet people in real life and my conclusion was no,

you can't. Particularly if you're not going, if you're not going out on weekends and stuff. No, but even if you do go out, I'm very sociable. No,

no, true. Still didn't meet anyone. But I don't know, I, I think do things you love and do things and be open-minded and don't force it exactly you put yourself in situations where you're kind of in your passion and you're doing things that you love you you meet like-minded people and i don't know you know in a

bar you'll get such cross-sectional of people that and everyone's drunk and it's you know it's all a bit i don't know it's not hugely authentic because it's a bit cliche to meet someone. I feel if you're at the zoo because you love animals or you're here or something, you meet someone and you say, oh, I really like this, and they go, oh, I do too. Very true. And it's a really nice way to meet. I don't know. I've always struggled though because I remember at school,

and you know everything, my main interests were musical theatre. Yeah. No, that was a student paper, but anyway. We never know. I'm going to a bar class this evening. Maybe my future husband is there. There was a student paper but anyway we never know. I'm going to a bar class this evening. Maybe my future husband is there. I'm sure he will. He will go to bar. And Rachel's very good at bar. We went to a class together not that long ago

and we were doing a side plank and Rachel did the side plank and just collapsed immediately and it was the funniest thing I've ever seen. It's like a really serious ballet class and she just tumbled. I just lost my balance. I'm actually not Ballot Bar at all, I'll have you know.

Are you sure it wasn't a little attention-seeking trick to see there's a guy in the corner and look at me? What's going to happen? No, if I do that, I do something bendy. Oh, that's true. All right, let's finish this right here. Okay, guys, we are going to do the bio of the week. This is from Simon, 25.

He says, like most people my age, I'm 25. It made me laugh. I like that. I do like that as well. That's good. It's original. I know. And I then, I matched with him and I messaged him going,

oh my God, I'm 25 too. We have so much in common. I can't remember where the conversation went from there. It probably died. But anyway, I quite liked that. I thought it was quite funny. Really good. I haven't heard that before either.

No. You get so many of the same bio formats now. Exactly. Yeah, I had a whole rant about bios a few weeks ago. Okay. You did. I got bored of hearing the same thing. Bored of hearing the same jokes about being in the single market. of course yeah i remember when we first saw that we loved it yeah

looking to leave the single market before the uk does quite good the first time you hear it not so good the 17th time no no okay right okay so let's get into the main discussion of today guys ben do you want to start by basically telling your story um and we have time so you know you can i know it's quite a long story because i actually already know this story but if you want to go back to the very beginning not the very beginning of your life get ready for it from where the naked professor came from and how that's all linked to your social experience, etc. Yeah, totally. I guess it's indirect, but I'll go back to where it started.

It's not directly where it led to the Naked Professor. But yeah, my story is... So I'll go back to my 20s. I'm 36. My 20s was fairly stereotypical. You know, I was... I say stereotypical. Not everyone's like this. But I was really quite closed. My family's quite closed naturally.

And that was kind of the way we lived. And my perception of growth and what you can become and everything else was all kind of screw that. You are what you are. Get on with it. And I felt meditation and all this kind of stuff was pretty foreign and not for me. It was all a bit weird. And anyway, that was the way I lived and I lived for kind of short-term fixes happiness fixes were you know partying was where I found my happiness

I didn't really have it within you know it was always looking for external validation and it was that was the way I lived and and without knowing it I was just living I thought it was normal you know but that was the way um the way I was anyway um I lived with a professional rugby player and he had an injury and uh a hypnotherapist was coming around to try and help him get fit because he was told that there's nothing wrong with him and the scans kept saying it's okay you can go out there and play yeah and so he was always late we lived together and she would turn up I would make her a cup of tea he's gonna be here in a minute I'm sorry and we would chat and this just happened week after week and

um we had these really interesting chats with this hypnotherapist she was also a coach and anyway after a while i was like you know you're here to fix my rugby player around my rugby player sorry my flatmate my flatmate around this injury um can i talk to you about something because we've been talking um i was 30 at the time and i'd lived with this thing for for the whole time and most of my friends knew and it was i was fairly open with it but it wasn't anything I tried to address it was just what it was how it was and uh it had had negative impacts on some of my relationships pretty big negative impacts and it stopped some relationships from even evolving in the first place um and at the age of 30 I was like I can't want to address this now this is you know you think about family most of your friends are getting married and stuff it's like it's no longer a bit of a laugh that you sort of joke around about so I said to the

coach the therapist um how about this you know I have a problem uh around orgasm it doesn't happen very easily or very often um it's always been that way don't really know what's going on but do you think it's something you can help with and she was like absolutely let's i was i was kind of she was very you know really confident but it wasn't kind of any questions about it and i was like great you're me this is this is brilliant were you nervous to bring that up to her yeah i was like a bit of a weird one for you this one i'm not quite sure how i say this but now i'm much more it's much more very different speaking about it yeah yeah at that point it was a bit like it's a bit of a weird one.

Anyway, so she was like, of course. And then we started working together and she did some hypnotherapy. I think I was so closed-minded. Hypnotherapy didn't really, wasn't really impacting me. I wasn't really letting it in. And then, so then we just started doing normal coaching just around it. And this wasn't specifically anything physical that she was working on. This was just rewiring my mind. She started talking to me about how I mentioned a few rules that I have in my life I'm not very good

at sleeping I'm not very good at she's like that's no wonder you're not very good at having orgasms no wonder you're not very good at sleeping so one of this and this when you keep telling yourself it you know your brains your body is listening that's interesting because it's mostly is it am i right in thinking that it's mostly psychological yeah yeah well I mean this is my so I at this time I thought it was physical and I even well i mean this is my so i at the time i thought it was physical and even when she was doing this stuff i was like yeah you know interesting if this is where you think it's going to help i'll give it a go because i'll try anything but realistically

i think this is something physical and i need to sort of take something that's going to change me physically um but anyway she you know i started and when she was saying this to me be careful what you say to yourself because you're listening and you're only reinforcing your own story here i was like you know is that really the true you know kind of anyway fast forward seven years because otherwise we could be really talking over the whole thing um i'm totally into the whole personal development thing she took me on a journey of self-development personal personal development i studied to become a coach a meditation teacher um i haven't solved the sexual issue um but i've become an entirely different person i've grown hugely and i'm a much better version of myself for it um so about a year ago i run a technology company um this is all

related this is a very story it might not appear like it is, but it is. So many twists and turns. There are so many twists and turns. There are. And, yeah, so I run a technology company, and I was really struggling with it. I'm not technical, and I had a technical partner, and we had a great opportunity, and the tech guys weren't able to build the product quite how we wanted. And despite this amazing opportunity, it wasn't happening. And I felt very anxious around it because I wasn't in control. You know, my hands and I was putting my heart and soul into this business and it wasn't delivering.

And I couldn't sit there and coach. I couldn't change it. Despite whatever I could do, I couldn't build the tech. So it's like I need something about myself just for my own anxiety. I need something that makes me feel a bit more comfortable about where I'm going. And in control. In control. I'm not reliant on anyone else.

Yeah. So my passions are health and wellness my mind's completely changed over the last seven years from working with this coach so I started writing a lot around mindset stuff and freedom and vulnerability and all these things that I'd learned and I kind of developed I guess I've always been physically quite healthy I played lots of sports and enjoyed the physical aspect but it was the mental side that I was really pushing anyway I was writing this stuff thinking god the internet's so noisy uh how am I ever going to actually get engagement you know it's one thing writing is another thing people reading it you want to reach people you want to reach people exactly um and then I thought back to this um image I had in Yosemite National

Park in America with a friend where we're in this beautiful valley the sun was shining there's a waterfall it was incredible and um boys being boys we took all our clothes off and sort of peered into the distance and took a picture because it was better picture than us standing there normally and anyway one way or the other that image on my own instagram page person one got loads more engagement than a picture of me eating my breakfast. I bet. Whether it was people, yeah,

whether it was people joking, laughing, thinking it was good, it was bad, or whatever, people reacted in some capacity. Yeah, catches people's attention.

It caught people's attention. It's a bit different on your newsfeed, isn't it? Exactly, it's a bit different on your newsfeed, you know, when you're flicking through, it's like,

okay, what's that? Why is he doing that? Breakfast, sunset, avocado, bacon. Yeah, exactly. So, one way or the other it catches your attention but then the same time when i looked at that picture everything that i was writing about was in it um this whole vulnerability that i've i'm sort of

really pushing in in men particularly at the moment um uh being free to express who you really are which is something i didn't do through my 20s. I was trying to fit in with society as just being what everyone wanted me to be, effectively. Not following the crowd, doing something creative. All these kind of things that I was writing about were in this image. It was there. And I was like, well, hang on a minute. There's a marriage here. This is empowering my writing, but it's also giving me a bit of a hook

to try and catch people's attention and read my message um so i went to a photographer um and said i've got this idea hear me out and so many of them were like i met a few and they were like amazing i'd love to be part of this this is really cool and i had a choice um that's cool yeah it was amazing because i was a bit free you know it's like this is a bit of free conversation do you want to do this kind of um because i didn't have any money to pay them to do it it's like this is a partnership i'm going to make this awesome and then we're going to be in partnership and hopefully we'll join the royalties and we'll do something cool with that i think getting getting a professional photographer was

such a good move because the the pictures are stunning they're beautifully taken the light's always wonderful and that makes all the difference from it actually just looking like someone's just snapped on their iphone like hey i'm naked kind of thing and i think the vulnerability angle really makes it stand out even more because you had you all you have to do is look at like you know the mental health statistics about men speaking out about those issues so much less than women completely and as stereotypical as it might be there is still a huge stigma against speaking out about those issues so much less than women completely and as stereotypical as it might be there is still a huge stigma against speaking out against anything vulnerable in the mind

whether it's anxiety or or sexual dysfunction it's just it's totally taboo still completely completely i totally agree and that's you know suicide is the biggest killer of men under the age of 45 you know suddenly a stat that's been presented in front of all of us and i think so often these guys no one knows there's a problem you know it's all buried and they can't handle it anymore and these images that i'm sharing are very much like i'm burying it all you know everything is out there and my writing kind of i mean really is my writing sort of matches that i hope i'm trying to speak from the heart i'm trying to show it all this is not me going hey check me out this is me going hey I've been through this this is this has been a difficulty

me and I've overcome it and I found a better way to live and I want to inspire you guys to try and find that within your lives um without being forced around it you know yeah do you know what I mean well yeah you don't want to preach yeah exactly yeah I think I think so many people especially in their 20s will be able to relate to the whole idea of not quite knowing what you're doing, why you're doing it, what actually makes you happy, what gives you joy. And not feeling like you can be open about problems you may be having, be they sexual, be they mental health, be they anything, especially with men, I do think and it's changing and it's really encouraging that actually our generation as a whole is a lot more open especially when it comes to mental health talking about these things than older generations were but we still need more encouragement I think do you get the engagement that you get from followers and from people commenting on your post do you get people commenting sharing their own stories as well with the similar condition massively really um with

their own condition their own condition yeah sometimes um just generally increasingly and then at the beginning it was all about the images and people just engaging the images and i was really conscious i wanted to the message and yeah over time it's getting more and more i'm getting people opening these amazing messages that people are sharing to me um i'm spending more and more time replying because people are opening up their heart to me and you can't just however many there are you've got to reply to them these people it's incredible messages um so it's amazing yeah the responses have been incredible around the subject as well around the sexual stuff um men and women because i think it's so important when you look at all of the different sexual dysfunction issues that there are and there are so many which we'll get onto

later but every single one they always say the most common cause and the most likely cause is that it's psychological. Which is fascinating. It is fascinating because I think that obviously comes, you know, it could be whether you're going through, I don't know, depression or anxiety, or maybe you've experienced a sexual trauma, or you're nervous, or it's all of these different factors

have a part to play, and I think that's exacerbated by the lack of social conversation about those issues because even though it's quite common like I think it's five percent of women that have uh anorgasmia I think is what it's called the medical term isn't it yeah um and it's so it's more common in women than in men five percent is quite a lot it is a lot actually so for people who don't know, anorgasmia, am I right, that is essentially difficulty orgasming? I think so. Do you know what? I don't actually... There are so many different terms.

I think you're right with that. I mean, the one that I've often come back to for whatever reason is this term, retarded ejaculation, which is horrible. Then there's delayed ejaculation, which is a bit inaccurate sometimes. Yeah, because it suggests that it's going to happen, but it's the term for when it doesn't happen, isn't it? So it doesn't really make inaccurate. Yeah, because it suggests that it's going to happen, but it's the term for when it doesn't happen, isn't it? So it doesn't really make sense.

Yeah, but there's all these different terms. And I think they're all the same kind of thing and it's a struggle, basically. So do you mind us asking how this has affected sort of your relationships? Yeah, badly. You know, it's a problem um in different ways you know the first time I ever saw someone about it was when I was 21 in a relationship when I was at the end of university and I never thought too much about it at that point it was just kind of what it was but

she at the end of it she was like yeah I'd really rather you know you kind of experience what I was experiencing you know rather you got more of this it's kind of and i think she was great about it and it wasn't a major problem with in that relationship but by that point had you just sort of accepted like oh this doesn't happen for me yeah i mean it does happen sometimes um but just really not often at all that's very interesting yeah um and i've as i'm getting older i found it's probably getting harder um that's really interesting yeah so probably at 21, I was probably a bit better. But yeah,

she didn't want it in our relationship. And I understand that. But for some girls, it's not so much of an issue. It's okay. Some people take it very personally. I was going to say, for some people,

it might bring out like insecurities in them. Yeah. Definitely. Yeah. I think sometimes for women, if the guy does have a problem orgasming, you automatically, even though you kind of know it's not that, you feel like, oh, it's something I did.

I wasn't good enough. I wasn't attractive enough. I did something wrong. Of course. I totally understand that. And that's the horrible part for me. I don't want who I'm with to be thinking that. So actually, if it leads down the way that we're in a relationship

and we're going to have sex at some point or whatever then i brief them yeah you know say look please i really don't want you this is this is what shows up sometimes i don't want us to think about it it's not you know a big deal but um i just don't want you to take it personally if it happens you know is it still enjoyable for you though it is yeah but i think in a different way i don't i don't you know i don't get as much out of it as a lot of a lot of men or women and you know either way i mean i've never experienced a female orgasm i don't know but you know from what i can from what i can uh judge um so it's pleasurable but i think sometimes when you're tired or you're you know whatever you're

not probably chasing it like some people are because they love, they live off that. Yeah. So that has that impact. You know, it can affect your drive. That makes sense. Yeah. I just think it's just, it's part of having a healthy sex life. Yeah.

You know? It's the third, I think it's the third most common male sexual problem. Really? Behind premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. Yeah, right. And again, both of those, hugely psychological. They can be, I mean, this is all just from research I've done today, so don't take me word for word, but they can be physical causes for these things. I think if you have high cholesterol, high blood pressure, certain cancers certain cancers all these those are the physical kind of causes but primarily most people

say you know most medical professionals will advise you to seek counseling I think as a first port of call yeah and they're I did yeah she's and did that help no no it didn't it's made me into a better person all the experiences I've been through have helped me grow but none of them physically and I think that I love the terminology that nothing leaves you until it's taught you what it was there to teach you

and I believe this is here to teach me and I believe that it was here because through my 20s I wasn't showing who I really was and I wasn't embracing my i really was and i wasn't embracing my emotions the highs and lows i was just living in a bit of a sort of society's box of kind of saying it was showing up physically i wasn't feeling the emotion the the ecstasy of sex all the passion i wasn't you know wasn't it and and so the end product wasn't happening um and i

believe this is in my life showing up in that respect this to teach me i need to be more authentic i need to be more emotional i need to be more open and all these things that i wasn't and i think you know taught me that so i've become more of those things but this is sort of the final the final hurdle i think but i feel like i'm almost there ready to let it go that's great yeah totally i say almost i'm feel mentally ready to let it go but i think this is coming from my subconscious without wanting to get i say almost i'm feel mentally ready to let it go but i think this is coming from my subconscious without wanting to get too deep something i'm holding deeply i feel like so much of it must be on such a subconscious level that you can't it's hard to know what you can actually do to i don't want to say fix because it's not like something's broken but

you know what i mean to overcome it um and if you don't want to say fix because it's not like something's broken, but do you know what I mean? Totally. To overcome it. And if you don't know anything different, I guess. Yeah. It's all my body knows. Yeah. It's, you know, that's how it thinks it operates. I need to rewire that. You know, I'm 36, it's been 18 years of being that way.

I think it's funny because people don't talk that much about when they have problems and obviously some people have these problems that is all they've known like that or some people I think go through phases where they struggle more and then other times it's fine or you know most people have stories of whether it was one encounter or multiple times where they some things just hasn't quite worked or you know all the time it's like oh everyone was too drunk yeah i think that's particularly the case of the rectal dysfunction drugs alcohol tiredness yeah and also i don't know if i'm actually right

about this but i feel like it's not just for men that drinking too much can make it a struggle i think for women if you're too drunk. Yeah, arousal disorders. So sort of the female equivalent to erectile dysfunction is genital arousal disorder. And that is simply a case of women not getting vaginal wetness. So even though they could be mentally aroused, that might not necessarily translate physically and that can therefore make sex really painful which leads to a whole other range of issues

um so there's all there's all sorts of things that can go wrong for women as well yeah and then it's like if that happens to you the guy is obviously going to feel like why is your body rejecting me even though you're mentally feeling like no i'm not I'm not like I do want to do this and but it's just not doing what it needs to do down there and I feel like sometimes you can't explain it yeah it can be emotional it can be physical it can be a hormonal imbalance it can even be down to something like low self-esteem or nerves lack of confidence of body image nerves all these things especially if it's the first time you sleep with someone new, like you're always going to be nervous. I'm always nervous.

Yeah, definitely. There are so many different aspects, I think, that can have an impact. And I think that's one of the challenges that makes it difficult as well. You know, for a long time, I was looking around physical stuff. And, you know, I've seen urologists, I've seen everyone. And it's like, you're okay. So it's like, I've finally got to the point where I've got no other excuse to look at other than this has got to be mental.

Yeah. But there are so many different things, all the things you said. Cute. For girls and boys. Yeah, it's just people just aren't talking about it. This is it. It's not common conversation to be like,

oh yeah, you know, I couldn't get wet last night. You know, like people don't have those conversations. I mean, you might do if you're us because we're just weirdly open, aren't we? Unless you sit on this podcast and then everything comes out. Yeah, if you're us because we're just weirdly open, aren't we? Unless you sit on this podcast and then everything comes out. Yeah, unless you're Rachel or myself. We come into work and we're like, so, last night, here's the detail.

The whole office knows the sordid details of our dating lives. So this isn't reserved for the podcast? This carries on everywhere? We're quite a loud desk. I talk way too loudly. Rachel particularly. I'm a bit too quiet. Sometimes you can't hear me when I talk.

She sits next to me and sometimes I'm like, what? Whereas I'm just completely the opposite. I'm like shouting. Rachel's arrived. Yeah, everyone knows when Rachel's arrived. Well, having listened to this podcast, I can understand that. That does make sense. Yeah, I need to bring it in sometimes.

That does make sense. Yeah, I need to rein it in sometimes. Breaking news happens anywhere, anytime. Police have warned the protesters repeatedly, get back. CBC News brings the story to you as it happens. Hundreds of wildfires are burning. Be the first to know what's going on and what that means for you and for Canadians. This situation has changed very quickly.

Helping make sense of the world when it matters most. Stay in the know. CBC News. Whether you're in your running era, Pilates era or yoga era, dive into Peloton workouts that work with you. From meditating at your kid's game to mastering a strength program, they've got everything you need to keep knocking down your goals. No pressure to be who you're not, just workouts and classes to strengthen who you are.

So no matter your era, make it your best with Peloton. Find your push, find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca. So, okay, going back to what we were just talking about, though, do you think, how common a problem actually is this? Do we know? Because I imagine a lot of people, and hopefully that's where this podcast is going to help, and everything you're doing, I imagine a lot of people are maybe struggling with the same thing as you but have never seeked help sought help sought help sought help yes it's not seeked is it okay have never sought help because maybe they're too ashamed or afraid to admit it

i don't know i'm sure um i mean i had one particular message actually it's from someone saying i really thought i was on my own. I'm going to go see a doctor. That's brilliant. There was loads of messages around this, but that one particularly, you literally didn't think of it. I just thought this was the way it was. It is definitely a bigger problem,

I think, than people are aware of, but quite what it is, how big a problem, I don't know. But I've had, I don't know, lots of girls, lots of boys come to me. I've always experienced it. It's always been the way. Thank you so much for talking about it.

I mean, it's really brave from you. Thank you. I mean, lots of people said really brave and really inspiring, which is really nice. I'm not rejecting that at all. But if I'm totally honest, it doesn't feel brave because you're just going, I'm just being honest. I'm just telling how it is.

And, you know, I talked to someone else about this. And I said, yeah, you're really brave in sharing your story. And he's like, no, I'm just being honest. I'm just telling how it is. And, you know, I talked to someone else about this. And I said, yeah, you're really brave in sharing your story. And he's like, no, I'm not. Like being brave is gun a war, being a policeman on the streets and being attacked and facing physical confrontation. Speaking your truth, being honest. We're all capable of that. And I haven't done anything wrong. I didn't ask for it.

I didn't invite it in my life. So I really don't carry any shame around it. So it's just a conversation like the weather or anything else yeah it's brilliant I think because there's so much inauthenticity saturating Instagram and Twitter and all the social media so when someone like you comes along and actually shares a candid honest message completely openly it does really stand out and I think it's quite a breath of fresh air actually thank you yeah it's very refreshing yeah exactly and okay i think you have a really great approach to sexual problems that you or other people might have but also just the message of your

instagram account thank you is you know a great approach to take but i you know you think it's might not be brave but i think other people they will see it as wow okay for me that would actually be quite a big thing to do to speak out about so now I feel like I can yeah and I hope so exactly that if I'm if I'm delivering a message that's empowering others to go if he's talking about it and he seems okay about it I'm not going to carry anything around this if that if that translates through amazing you know I'd really love that the nicest thing about what I'm doing is when people say things like that that you've given me inspiration to to talk freely or to do this or to do that it's amazing you know so is your hope just generally that people who follow you and read what you've written are going to just sort of

think more be more open what what ultimately do you think needs to change and what are you trying to achieve um sorry that's quite a big question it is a big question i want to achieve all sorts of things there's so many things i want to achieve i mean first and foremost at a basic level i want to touch people's hearts and want to inspire them to yeah connect a little bit more i think we live in a society now where people are a little bit i always use the word autopilot and it's the best way where people get on the tube, go to work, do what they need to do, have lunch, come home, go to the gym, whatever. And their life's almost just kind of, and it's passing them by because they've never stopped and connected and listened to actually their heart and said, what is it that I really want to do? Am I doing things that I'm really inspired by that I really love doing that you know am I living the life that I want I dreamed of and I know we can't all live our dreams

but just giving yourself some kind of vision or try live trying to direct things in some kind of direction that inspires you or you just you know okay that quote you know you are you living or you really alive or whatever it is something exactly yeah I really should know I'm sure i've written about him um but yeah exactly so to touch people on that aspect and it's not saying it's not to say people you're doing it wrong it's just asking people to say hey just to have a little bit of awareness around your own life and your own inspirations and to connect with them and try and deliver and try and live in a way that does touch your your own heart because I think we're wrapped up in our heads

and we're doing things that society want you to do and doing things that you think fits you into society or that your parents want you to do. And then suddenly at 30, 35, 40, whatever, turn around and go, I don't really feel like I'm alive. Yeah, or that you're fulfilled. You're fulfilled.

This is my big thing is that we chase short-term happiness fixes rather than fulfillment so we keep living to like be happy in the moment or not that's wrong but be happy in that around that time uh and then forget about our bigger picture that really fulfills us so we will go out partying we'll drink and we'll do whatever we need to do and it feels great and the next day we'll wake up and feel a bit shit and it's like you know that's fine in balance, but don't place your happiness entirely in the hands of that party all the time and don't have anything else because it's not a healthy habit

and you'll continually need to chase that. And you'll always end up disappointed. You'll always end up disappointed and you just need to thrive off that. You know, you can fill your heart with passion and inspiration if you live in line with your values and what the things that inspire you. Yeah. And if you feel excited about what you're doing every day and not just thinking like,

oh my God, I just need to make it to Friday night. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly it. And there's nothing wrong. This isn't an anti-party message because it plays its role.

And I think it's great to go and have fun and social, be social with your friends and have that, but just don't be reliant on that being your happiness. Find the happiness within and find it within your own inspiration and what you're doing and then add to it with doing fun things on top. Totally.

So that's the message. All the comments that I get on Instagram, the ones that touch me, I don't really bother when someone makes a nice comment about the image.'s kind of you know that doesn't do anything for me yes my squats have been paying off yeah it's the ones that say the comment on the on the writing or the message that's what I'm trying to get across and the images of the hook you know but yeah I'd love to get across in the images of the hook, you know. Love it.

But yeah, I'd love to write a book and there's all sorts of things I want to go to. But for now, it's just, yeah, trying to touch people on inspiration.

Well, I'm sure you will. I mean, you already are, but I'm sure you'll get there. Thank you. Thank you. Guys,

shall we, we've got a bit of time, shall we do a quick dating dilemma? Yes, we haven't done one in a while. I think we should do this. So, thank you so much

for sending this in. I think this was sent in a couple of weeks ago so here goes i have had strong feelings for someone for a while now however after spending intimate time together or making plans to see each other it doesn't take long for the communication balance to drop to one side we've never slept together only kissed cuddled and been relatively intimate with each other which doesn't help the longing I've developed. This may be longing, unrequited love or lust, I'm not quite sure how to label it, but I do know that whenever I'm alone I long to be with him and share with him what I've been up to. We were friends with each other for around two years before our friendship grew stronger

and any slight distance makes it very difficult to remain in contact without feeling like I'm making all the effort. At one point, I thought we were getting closer to entering a relationship, but when I leave our hometown, where he still lives, to go to uni, he's awful at communication. I feel like I'm very willing to make the effort and I'm ready to become closer to him if the opportunity arises. My friends say that I should just move on and experience life until and if he is ready. I've been on several dates since. I've decided to to move on but don't feel that I can be truly comfortable with anyone but him my thoughts always returned the times we have shared over the past year and even though it has been nearly three months since I've seen

him I still think about him and want to know how he is I'd be so thankful for any insight into the situation and any thoughts you have this pains my heart i know it's i mean it's happened to all of us i think really yeah it's very relatable it's oh god it's a really difficult position to be in where you feel like you just want to talk to someone all the time and be with them all the time and they don't seem to feel the same towards you i it's it is confusing and i'm not surprised she's totally confused with the fact that they've kissed and they've been coupley but then

I do sort of think that if he felt the same way he would be wanting to message her and talk to her and it's obviously so terrifying but I think she maybe needs to tell him how she feels I was about to say I think if it's been going on for while, you just need to kind of bite the bullet and just say, look, I have these feelings for you.

How do you feel? In a more eloquent way than that. But you just need to fess up because otherwise, you know, he might have no idea. Yeah, maybe he feels the same and it's manifesting in a different way. And he thinks that she doesn't fancy him. So he's like, oh my God, I can't talk to her. I need to hold back, blah, blah, blah. Well, it's either going in a different way and he thinks that she doesn't fancy him so he's like oh my god i can't talk to her i need to hold back blah blah blah well it's either going to go one of two ways either he's going to say yes i have the same feelings or he's going to say no i don't but either way that clarity and that closure will help her to move on completely she owes it to

herself to find out really yeah i think living sort of not knowing is almost the worst thing isn't it when you've got that question lingering i'd always just rather find out and and be up front about it and also if it's not right then it's not right and that's okay it's all part of the journey uh it's leading her to someone better i really do firmly believe that i agree i think life's too short to play games in these kind of situations particularly when you have like really intense feelings for someone don't beat around the bush like just Just say how you feel. And if he doesn't feel the same way, that might be what she needs to properly move on.

And if you think about it, at the moment, she's not with him. What's the worst going to happen? She's going to tell him and he's going to say, no, thank you. She still won't be with him. But there's a chance she could be as well if he feels the same. i mean it's bloody terrifying

yeah terrifying tell you're feeling someone you're not sure if they feel the same way have you ever done that told someone that you like them i've been on the receiving end have you you've never been the other one it is overwhelming did it come out in the blue um i sort of had an inkling because we had this performance earlier and we were friends um but i was very actually taken aback and i i needed a bit of thinking time but then ultimately i i decided that we would give it a try and we did date for a little bit and then ended but we dated but you gave it a chance little bit. See, there you go. We dated for a little bit anyway. But you gave it a chance. We tried it. Exactly.

So there you go. That's all you can ask. Give it a go and, you know, what will be will be. Have you guys ever professed feelings? Oh, too many times. So many times. And it's never gone well. Really?

Yeah. Oh, no. This is a bad message for what we've just said. No, I know. Sorry, guys. No, I just, yeah. I've tried. But points for effort.

If you don't try, you can't succeed. Well, exactly, exactly. I think my problem is that in the past when I've done it, I've probably been a bit drunk. Oh, don't do it drunk. I know, don't do it drunk, because it's probably come out a bit more waffly and a bit more, like, warbly and, oh, my God, you know,

burning hearts of a thousand suns or something. You know what I mean? Like a bit too Shakespearean. I'm not sure I'd know what you meant if you were saying that to me. Olivia loves word soup. Honestly, sometimes I'm like editing her articles and I'm, sorry, I literally just died there. I'm going to say that sentence again.

Sometimes I'm editing Olivia's articles and I'm just like this is pure word soup. She's a beautiful writer. Thank you, Rachel. She's a beautiful writer. Thank you, Rachel. Proud to word soup. Your language is amazing, both of you.

It's incredible. I mean, I'm definitely a waffler. Anyway, you know, that's our advice then. Go for it. And don't be drunk. She's got to go for it. And don't be drunk, yeah. But massively, 100%.

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Yes. I love that phrase yeah you actually did that one right yeah i got that one um oh there's so many things i'd love to say but you've got to but also you know you're we're all so young and one day we're going to meet we only need we need to get it right once you know you meet one person at some point in our life it doesn't have to be you know in that very moment right then and if you express something for someone and you be yourself with them and it's not right that's part of your journey that that they're not the right one and the right ones you know you still get all the excitement of

meeting the right one so wise so wise i've had a few years of this love it guys we're out of time that is it please if you wouldn't mind doing us a favor do give us a rating on apple podcasts or acast or wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe and review us because that would help other people discover the podcast and it means a lot to us and please keep emailing your dating disasters your dilemmas equally if you've had any experience with any of the things we've spoken about today tell us your stories we'll read them out next week. You can email them to us at millennial.love at independent.co.uk

and everything will be kept anonymous or you can tweet us at OliviaPetta1 or Rachel underscore Hosey or you can slide into our DMs. I think Rachel is Rachel underscore Hosey. What, on Instagram? Yeah.

Yes, yes, yes. On Instagram, I'm OliviaPetta8. Yeah. Just to be difficult. Yeah. Yeah. You, yes, yes. On Instagram, I'm OliviaPeta8. Yeah, just to be difficult. Yeah. Yeah. You can also contact us by joining our Facebook group, which I've told you about a million times.

So essentially, it's facebook.com slash groups slash millennial dot love. To clarify, millennial has three L's and two N's, because we know there's been some trouble spelling that, and I don't blame you. It is a difficult word to spell. So it's independent, by the way. To type, it's tricky. I type spell so it's independent by the way to type it's tricky I type it a lot

it is it's the E's and the A's it's all E's yeah but sometimes I go independent or it's very confusing anyway I went off on a tangent Ben thank you for joining us thank you for having me thank you it's been so brilliant it's been so insightful I feel inspired

oh thank you that's always the aim and i think a lot of people will have really enjoyed listening to your experiences so you can follow ben at is it at the naked professor the naked professor brilliant is there anything else people need to know about where to find you or anything i don't think so instagram is probably the place i think great yeah great go and give him a follow and have a lovely week, everyone. Thank you very much. Bye-bye. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend,

I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no. That's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook.

It's out now wherever you get your podcasts.