Love Lives - #41 Roman Kemp on leaving love to fate

Episode Date: July 6, 2018

"You'll find someone when you stop looking," the cliché goes. But is this piece of highly unhelpful advice really true? Should we be proactive when looking for love or simply leave it up to destiny?This week, we're joined by TV presenter and radio DJ Roman Kemp who shares the rather fateful story of how he met his girlfriend. Roman, Rachel and Livi also share their top tips for finding love.We've also got a cracking dating disaster story from one of our listeners - please do keep sending them in!Follow us on Instagram to stay up-to-date! https://www.instagram.com/millennial_love/Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/millenniallove. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like, and now that's what my grandma's on. Thank God phone a friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. Hello and welcome to Millennial Love, the Independent Lifestyle Desk's weekly podcast on love, dating and relationships hosted by me, Olivia Petter, lifestyle writer. And me, Rachel Hosey,

assistant lifestyle editor. Dating today is a world away from what it was even just 10 years ago. I'd actually say even just two years ago. With dating apps, millennials are finding it harder to meet people than ever before. And even when we do, how do we know we won't be ghosted or zombied or benched or cushioned or all of the other lovely things that we do to each other so that is why we decided to launch Millennial Love as two long time singletons in their twenties talking candidly about all of the things everyone is doing but not always willing to admit. Today we are delighted to welcome TV presenter and Capital Radio DJ, Roman Kemp. Roman, welcome.

Hello. Thank you so much for having me. This is really cool. That was so eloquently spoken. Oh, thank you. Usually I'm the well-spoken one within my studio. So this is nice. This is refreshing.

It starts well. It might go downhill. Yeah. I can imagine. Don't start with that pessimism, Rachel Hosey. You're right. So for those who don't know, Roman, would you mind explaining to the listeners what you do and about your radio show and your appearance on First Dates as well?

Yeah. So I host the Capital Breakfast Show. And I've been doing that for a year and a half now. But I've been on Capital for four years, four and a half now, but I've been on Capital for like four years, four and a half years. So I started really early. I've done like every shift you can ever imagine, like on radio,

like from graveyard shifts to, you know, like weekend slots I didn't even know existed. So, but I love it. I love it, you know, and it does exactly what you guys like kind of want to do because I feel there's something so personal about someone's voice as opposed to you know even though everything obviously it goes out on social media and those types of things i think radio is something that will never go

ever and hey if there's a zombie apocalypse people aren't watching tv they listen to the radio that's all i'm saying that's all i'm saying so yeah but no i i love it and uh yeah but and then the first dates thing was uh was great do you know what it was it was for it's a it's a show that like a lot of the british public i love like i love watching it i'm so infatuated and you know obsessed with watching the psychology of people on dates me too like because and and how they deem themselves as the best version of them to put forward in that moment and i think that that's why i love that show and i think that you know it is heartwarming at the same time or heartbreaking uh in some situations and i think that you know for the celebrity in quotes special um they do with stand up to cancer you

know it's for a great cause as well. And, you know, everyone's fee or whatever it is that someone would get for a normal TV show or something like that goes to this amazing charity. And, yeah, it's kind of like a no-brainer, really. Do you know what I mean? I'd love to go on it.

Would you actually? I applied and didn't get picked. But, yeah, but you know, like, there's hundreds of thousands of applicants. Like, literally, it's a joke. Everyone wants to go on that show. Like, everyone. I know, there's hundreds of thousands of applicants. Literally, it's a joke. Everyone wants to go on that show. Like, everyone. I know, I really do.

I think it's fascinating. I have a confession. I turned down the opportunity to go on it. You turned it down? Yeah. That makes me so angry. Because I don't want to go on a TV show for dating. First of all, you have no idea how...

We do a podcast on dating. No, I know, but there is a big difference between that because we are very much in control of what we say and what we don't say. Whereas on a TV show like that, you're at the will of the producers. You have no idea how they're going to edit you to be portrayed and how they'll take certain sound bites

to make you come across as a certain character. They do it with every person that goes on that show. They kind of pick them up as... But I don't believe sometimes when people say that when they say oh it's the way they've edited it all that type of stuff i mean there's only so much of that that's true yeah i think i think yeah i think the um style of the show that you know and the style of the of the date that i went on um was nice and i you know it did it did like in a way like portray me how I want to be portrayed did you see her again Lucy was I didn't know I

didn't I didn't I didn't know what it's like with those types of things like it is at the end of the day it's a TV show yeah you know and and I have to go in there with this it would be ridiculous of me to go in there without a professional head on and think, you know, I do like, like the same way how you, if you go on a date with someone that you've met before and you want to impress them,

you know, or like, you know, you want to be there and you want to be, as I say, the best version of yourself, which I think everyone is, you know,

it's unfortunate that sometimes if someone does make a mistake on a date or says something that maybe they shouldn't do of course they will edit it to make it look like worse than it is yeah because that's called making gripping tv isn't it yeah exactly you know we're seeing the same thing in love island at the moment with jack and danny they're not doing anything wrong so therefore you know barring like an argument that they had or whatever like all of the rest of it they're just nice they're nice people so i think it's hard to you know the producers are almost i imagine on the other side when i was doing first dates from was they're going do something bad do something bad

do you know what i mean yeah they won the drama yeah of course of course um you know for me it was it was a lovely show she was amazing what she was a lovely girl you know and yeah she had been through a lot and i think that you know she had a big connection with family which which was easy for me to have a conversation with her you know and that's that's the most important thing for me is someone that can hold their own in a conversation who isn't just expecting because i talk on the radio and i know that i talk a lot but i'd still love to listen to people i agree i completely agree i talk a lot but i hate going on dates and feeling like i'm the only one carrying this conversation i'm like come on say something please yeah what's the earliest you've

ever left a date i'm too polite So probably about two hours. That's a long time. That is a long time. I know, but this is me where I've sort of decided after half an hour I want to leave and been too chicken and like don't want to offend anyone. So I stay for at least two hours. I left after 15 minutes once because someone asked me if they could meet Justin Bieber.

Oh my God. That's a legitimate excuse to leave after 15 minutes. Are they serious? But yeah, I knew exactly what type of thing it was. I mean excuse to leave after 15 I knew but yeah like I knew exactly like what type of thing it was I mean to be fair I made a broken excuse and I left but I genuinely like and I love the fact that I have always been like this and I know that I'm true to to saying that I've always been like this like my I I always find it difficult someone says to me do you have a type because Because I don't. The only thing that I do kind of have is confidence in someone

and someone that can hold their own and isn't bothered by that type of thing and, you know, is very much their own person. And that's why within five minutes, I think, of a date, I can kind of grasp whether or not I want to be there. Yeah, I think I can too. But I'm the same with Rach. I will usually last for longer than I should but but you know no one's ever said anything to me super out of order and if they did then I would probably leave earlier but if it's

just like not really feeling it give it one drink two drinks and then be like okay I've ordered an uber I'm gonna go I'll see you later this has been great bye lovely you don't make an excuse no I can't do that I always make an excuse I can't lie I don't do it

because I'm nervous I do it for the sake of the other person because I genuinely as much as people say oh yeah but you must be honest in situations like that in the same way

like I think that I don't know I like to spare people's feelings yeah in certain scenarios I think that... I don't know. I just bear people's feelings. Yeah, in certain scenarios. I think in certain scenarios, that's okay. I had this conversation the other day. If you cheat on someone and break up with them the next day,

do you have to tell them why? Ooh, that's tricky. That's tricky. Well, because often there's not really... Because I think I'm... Listen, cheating is my number one thing. Oh, God, me too. No, I don't do it. oh that's tricky that's tricky well because often there's not really i'm just i listen cheating is my number one thing oh god i don't do it like i don't do it like i think it one you always get caught out yeah two like two i i've grown up in a family where it ain't a done thing

like do you know what i mean like it's not it's not a thing so for me it's like if that does happen then you have to end your relationship like i think unless unless you think that you know you've done this and this is a genuine mistake in your head like it's a genuine mistake because otherwise it's there's something wrong with it you know and if you want to carry on then work on it but admit to that know that that's something that you're gonna have to do but if you don't and if you don't want to bring it up then that's word enough that you don't respect that person enough so i you mentioned jack and danny on love island earlier my point to bring up from this week in terms of things i've seen on the dating landscape um is i was really touched on last night's episode of love island when when you say last night we should

clarify that this is currently wednesday yes it is currently wednesday so tuesday night's episode of love island um which i missed yes which rachel missed this is a spoiler because she was at wimbledon um when rachel when rachel when oh god's sake when danny and jack said they loved each other it was very sweet because they haven't slept together yet. And I think that's a really positive message to be sending to younger viewers because more of us feel rushed into sleeping with people. Casual sex is on the rise, as we've spoken about in previous episodes. Not necessarily a bad thing, though. Not necessarily a bad thing, but I think it's really nice to see

that you can have genuine, authentic feelings of love for someone despite not having slept together. And that's a narrative that we just don't see on tv ever really yeah i think that it's something that reminded me a lot of you know my relationship that i have i've been with my girlfriend for a while now i think that when what's a while uh six months okay six months but this is like this is like for me this is the kind of like i've been i mean that's long term for me as well don't worry i've been in a long-term relationship before but but this for me was like i think that the interesting one that i was like oh my god was um she had uh my girlfriend had posted a photo of some trainers that i was searching for on instagram and then

i clicked on a hashtag that she had put and took me to her page and then i and then i literally i just messaged i said hello and it just kind of got into this that's how you met yeah no way yeah yeah yeah and then and then i um because she posted a picture of some trainers that yeah so she posted a picture of some trainers and then i saw her on there and then literally the day after i had gone on tinder and i swiped through to be honest like i never really used it like at all like it's always a bit i don't know like it's not really for me and then i saw her on it so i I was like, okay, I've got a messenger. I've got a messenger. Just say hello. And I messaged her

and I think that we spoke for a week and a half, maybe two weeks, two weeks, I think. And I think for me, I don't like that. If I speak to someone online

or on my phone or anything like that, let's be honest, when we say online, it's on your phone. I have to meet up with that person within three days. Three days. I find it weird. I find it weird that you're talking to someone that you've never met before. I don't like it. But I was kind of in a difficult position

because she's Swiss, so she was back and forth from switzerland and and all this stuff so she lives in london um but i think within that two weeks i weirdly developed some form of relationship with her just by talking but to the point of like i shut off all other conversations that i was having with any other girl because i felt a duty to her and i know that she did the same so it was kind of like and you do have those feelings of like like you know what what's going on like are you in love with this person like you've never met them before you know and it's almost like when you meet on the first time like when we met for the first time, it was like, it was weird.

Like, you know what I mean? And I've never had that connection in my life. Like, and so it was really nice. So when Jack was saying, you know, that I feel like I'm in love with you and all this other stuff, I knew that feeling. I know that feeling.

Do you know what I mean? It's like, it's almost as if I think I knew it two weeks in just to speak to her, but I had to clarify that in my head until later on. Do you know what I mean it's like it's almost as if I think I knew it two weeks in just to speak to her but I had to clarify that in my head until later on do you know what I mean yeah that's really sweet and that story is actually going to bring us really nicely into our main discussion point of today but before we get to that I would just like to say thank you so much to everyone who messaged in after last week's episode a lot of you had thoughts about sober dating and some of you got in touch sharing your own experiences of sober dating um some of you suggested go just going

for coffee or coastal walks which i thought sounded quite lovely if you're by the coast yeah if you're by the coast one lovely listener also got in touch to say that she is a big fan of sober dating because it helps her weed out the guys who are going to mess her around so i thought that was quite wise actually right we also have a bio of the week but this week it's not a usual bio of the week is it no this is a very special edition of bio of the week because basically rachel and i could not find any good bios so i decided to read out rachel's bio amazing yes thrilling this is on what this is on bumble it's on bumble okay you're next week okay mine is so rubbish right rachel 25 assistant lifestyle editor at the independent university of bristol 2015 location london about peanut butter aficionado optimist grammar nerd coriander averse food and fitness fan 5 foot 9

trilingual and ready to mingle with three emojis one of Prosecco glasses clinking one of an avocado and one of a female weightlifter I know exactly

what type of person you are already I'm cringing at myself I literally I know exactly what type of person you are already how basic am I I can almost see your uni life

like can I see your uni life like can i see yeah sorry rachel i'm like okay what type of guy are you looking for um i'm genuinely interested basically i'm looking for a guy with oomph with zest for life with enthusiasm who is ambitious who wants to go out and try new restaurants but also wants to like swiping out and keeping fit or being active who is just i don't know has something about them a uni graduate i mean i would probably say you know i don't know not necessarily it's like is intelligence a major thing for you i you know i you know I want to be able to

I want to be able to hold a good conversation they don't have to have a degree because it's not like that's some sort of barrier that means you're

smart and have good thoughts in your head by any means I would take out the word averse and aficionado why is that too long

I think they're I think they're words that I feel like... Don't get me wrong. I like the use of emojis. I think emojis are great. I like emojis.

Emojis are great, and I'll get to that reason very, very soon because one of my friends told me a thing on this, and I cannot believe it. It's very much true. But I think that, yeah, you've written grammar nerd in there, so I've already grasped the fact that you're going to use some big words. Not that I'm scared of big words, but I can gauge it. Do you know what I mean?

Okay. You can gauge it. Yeah. I don't feel like... Why do you feel like you need to put your height in there? Because in an ideal world, I would like to date a guy who's taller than me, which I know is...

But then why do you have to put your height in there? You know how... He's right. You know how tall you are, so... Why does it... That means you only have to say to him, how tall are you? Yeah. I never ask a guy how tall they are. It's become a therapy session for you. It really has. Rachel, let's psychoanalyse you. No, I think you never ask a guy how tall they are. No, because I think that's quite rude. But I i do it's not rude ever really no wait it's easy for

me to say i'm six two yeah you're all right that's why i'm sat here saying that ask me how tall i am so i can tell you that i'm six two everyone says to me everyone says to me oh you're tall i was like what do you mean they were oh, you've got quite a short face. I'm not going to lie. I did think when I met you, I was like, oh, he is quite tall. I didn't expect you to be tall. I don't know why. I know.

Anyway. Well done. Congratulations. Thank you so much for that. Coriander averse. Yeah, okay, get it. It's a gene. You've got, yeah, you're a food and fitness fan.

You've got two food bits in there. I'll take one out. It's just I really like food. I'll take one out. Okay. Maybe. Optimist. That means there's a chance.

Yeah. Even if you're a minger. Thank you. Grandma nerd. Yeah, I like that. Food and fitness fan. It's interesting for me to see your profile as well. I'd take out the...

Yes? your profile as well i'd take out i'd take out the um yes take out the ready to mingle is that a bit cringe it's too much too much it's like too desperate pretty emojis in there yeah but i just thought i always think it's a bit douchey to be like i speak these languages or i'm what languages you speak english french and german oh really yes really my missus is trying to teach me german for so long german's really hard but swiss german if swiss german is someone else yeah i'm saying but people are often quite impressed to be honest and people are often quite attracted to the fact that you can speak languages however i i think it's a bit douchey to just be like i speak these languages so i thought it was slightly funny although I think actually didn't

I feel like you came up with trilingual and ready to mingle oh no we saw it on someone else's dating app and I stole it that's it

I'd like to genuinely I think I think this is something for you know I mean are you

looking to date girls and guys or girls or guys just boys just boys the reason I say most girls that i know now are literally on tinder and bumble for both yeah i know i have a lot of friends who are that's

what i'm saying you know and i think that i'd like to know the percentage of guys that one read profiles to take profile into consideration over unfortunately what is a very very shallow world of just your photos. So I'm more intrigued, like, I'm more intrigued to see what photos you have selected. I mean, we could totally do that too, but we might be here all day. Her photos, I mean, Larks,

we spoke about each of our bios when we had someone from Bumble on the podcast analyse both of our bios and, you know, decide which was more likely to get success rachel's was much more successful than mine i've changed picks since then but let's not go through this all now because we'll be here all day right okay sorry we'll move on anyway but what i was gonna say is interesting what you say about guys because what i've heard is that guys generally will swipe right on you like swipe right 95% of the time actually and then once you match then decide if

they actually want to talk to you or if they actually fancy you. Not based on a profile. I don't think, I think that, I think it's better if you were to go on a date, if I had matched you on Bumble and you went on a date with me,

I think I would be more impressed if I could learn about you as opposed to go into this going I know she likes this this this this this this this this this like if you were like oh yeah I speak three languages I'm like wow do you know what I mean but I hate it when a guy doesn't have any info in his bio yeah because because who are you looking you're not looking for like you're looking for someone to swipe right on you do you know what I mean like if the whole idea of that profile is so that someone will go that potentially is interested in you to swipe

right or whatever so therefore who you're what you're selling is just you do you know what i mean you're not selling some other guy you're not telling some other guy i'll put this in your bio no no but when i'm when i'm going through guys and i'm deciding who to swipe right on yeah often there's something in their bio that will help me decide yes or no because it's just that little bit more about them girls when they view a profile is different to how guys view a profile i'm convinced yeah i think you're right but to be honest i don't really care about bios with the guys that i swipe right on your photos no photos but also i just think guys can get it so wrong so easily in bios and say things that often really put me off.

Yeah, when you were swiping earlier, you were like, hmm, that's a rubbish bio. Base fits, so we'll swipe right. Yeah. Maybe I'm really shallow. That's really bad. That's not bad. That's not bad.

That's human nature. That's human nature to see someone you deem fit as a mate. Do you know what I mean? It's not bad. I make my judgments on the conversation, I think. Twas the season of chaos and all through the house, not one person was stressing. Holla differently this year with DoorDash.

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you get your podcasts a cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere acast.com mostly yeah that's where you really get a sense of who someone is anyway let's move on to our main topic of discussion which does really fit into well that i said that really badly does really fit well into how you met your girlfriend um which is should we leave love up to fate yes now this is particularly interesting i actually just published an article this week about my experience when I quit dating apps for a while um and the kind of interesting thing was is that in that month that I completely didn't use dating apps at all I did not meet anyone I did not go on any dates and I was a bit

taken aback by that actually because it's not like every guy I ever date these days are from dating apps but actually I think the majority are and it sort of made me feel like if you're not on the apps how do you meet anyone nowadays and is it possible I mean your story is quite amazing yeah and that makes me feel like fate exists yeah I think that do you know what I think it's not down to what is it sorry fate or destiny destiny yeah I think I think it's culture I think the culture within London is if you walk up to someone and start a conversation with them you're like what do you want from me yeah you know and I think the culture within London is if you walk up to someone and start a conversation with them, you're like, what do you want from me? Yeah.

You know, and I think that's likely to be said throughout the rest of the UK. Whereas you go to someone like South America, where it's very warm, it's very friendly, like in terms of like the culture and how people are and the interaction with everyone. You're more than likely to meet someone in the middle of the street or even in America, even in the USA. Brits are quite skeptical and cold skeptical and cold aren't we yeah like i i always say this i always say this i ask like my you know my mates that are girls i say that like if a guy that you fancy walked up to you and asked you for your number what would you say and they say i wouldn't give it to him yeah because you'd initially be like creep which is why i don't know because because but then but then it's like if if that mentality

and that culture is being put out there which i understand if someone comes up to you in a very respectful way of course of course they would have to do it in a respectful way in a way that isn't encroaching on your personal space or anything like that or you know coming forward as too strong but it's very polite ask you in a polite way i don't see the problem with that do you know what it would come down to for me it would be as simple as do i fancy the guy or not to be honest but also it's about how you do it i think if someone goes up to you first word hey i think you're really fit what's your number instant obviously not but i think you're fit no going yeah literally get in the bin but if you go up to someone and just start a conversation with them and have a chat and then you know maybe five minutes in you're like oh i have to actually go because i'm going somewhere else but can i grab your number that makes perfect sense one of our

colleagues recently met a guy in waterloo station they did went out. They did. But then is that not manipulating the situation? I think you have to manipulate the situation. Yeah, you're saying you have to manipulate the conversation to be able to get someone's number. In London? I just think you can't go in directly to a stranger and ask for their number. The thing is...

Because there are very few people. I think in other places in the world, honestly... Italy, they're very forward. Yeah, I know. I think that you... I think, you in other places in the world they're very full yeah I think that you I think you know like I don't know it's it's it's different but I think that I I do find that strange if someone you know if someone's like I'm so sorry it you know if I've never done it in my life right I couldn't bring myself to do it I'm too shy I genuinely not I'm so shy when it when it would come to stuff like that yeah you'd have to you'd have to be seriously bold i think to yeah but i know that i can hold

a conversation do you know what it is is that i think through my life i think i would always i always was so aware of making a girl feel uncomfortable because of my mom and my sister my mom and my sister they're so close to me and and i would think oh creepy guy going out to my sister asking for her number do you know i mean i'd never want to be that person you don't want to harass no but even if i know that i'm being the most polite ever like do you know what i mean like i still would find it like there's there's not the right thing to say imagine imagine uh imagine literally i had walked past someone in the street and i saw them and they walked past me and i'm having to go down here i'm having to leave but something in me is saying me just just you know you need to speak to this person you need

to speak to this person you go back you don't have time you go i'm so sorry like uh this is the weirdest thing i've ever done where Where's the right thing to say there? Quite cute though. If you do it in a charming way and you do it in a sort of... Bumbling Hugh Grant. I was about to say bumbling Hugh Grant. Then I think...

There we go. That's all you need to do. Yeah, channel Hugh Grant. Watch Notting Hill. You'll be fine. Because it's, you know, it's never happened to me. Do you know what happens to me a lot?

I am sort of kind of vibing with some guy. Like even just yesterday at Wimbledon, there was a guy sort of like sitting near me and we were sort of kind of vibing with some guy like even just yesterday at Wimbledon there was a guy sort of like sitting near me and we were sort of just kept catching eyes and like vibing you know like you can you can feel there's a little something something there yeah but I didn't say anything to him he didn't say anything to me and that's it I'll never see him again in my life do you know what I mean yeah and like in my head I'm a bit like well it was meant to be it was meant to be well I've spoken about this before but like a that's not gonna happen and also you can't you can't just feel like oh well i would expect someone to come up to me you if you want to actually be proactive

then is is it leaving it to fate if you go up to someone yourself or is that being proactive i would say that's being proactive if you if you see someone you fancy and you talk to them that's being proactive yeah and i think it's almost a bit arrogant actually to just if you to just wait for things to happen to you yeah because i think the idea of leaving love to fate as romantic as it is is just verging on improbable because it's the sort of thing where like, I don't know, maybe you're in a lift with someone and you get stuck in the lift.

And then it's a great love story. Like that doesn't happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think a lot of guys just need education on what is appropriate. Yeah, totally. What is, you know, and I see it all the time.

Like, you know, with my my missus like walking down the street and some guy just completely just looking her up and down like in a way that's just like you're like they're with their wife and kids yeah and you're just like what like i'm not brought up on that same planet like i yeah it's awful i got cat called the other day with a guy driving past with his two daughters in the car seriously they were little girls you know what i find cat calling so weird because it sometimes happens to me when i'm running and i'll be running past a car or something and they'll shout something really rank out the window and i just don't understand what's the point in doing that because do they think that i'm gonna stop on my run turn around and be like hey actually you're really cute can i get in your car like let's go

have sex like what do they think is gonna happen they're just they're just cretins of society think they have something over you that's a power thing if you ask me it's like i don't know i don't know it's hard to understand um so next thing I want to bring up is people always say, oh, you'll meet someone when you stop looking. Like when you least expect it. When you're not even looking to meet someone, that's when someone will just fall into your life. This has never happened to me.

But maybe even if I'm not always looking, I've always got an eye out. Maybe that's where I'm going wrong. I think that it's right in the sense of I mean I don't know I've never dated within friend circles right ever risky business ever don't like people know my business no I mean I don't like any of that all it does is cause more drama than it's worth yeah I was actually talking about the other day I think it's really nice to have a relationship that is separate from your friendship group and then

when the time is right you bring them in yeah and you incorporate it but it's like your own intimate thing but it's a nice thing being able to discover someone else's world i agree as opposed to we all know the same people like if anything bad happens i know that you're speaking to i can speak to them about it like no like i like that that you know if me and my girlfriend have an argument or or a discussion or whatever that yeah she'll speak to her friends about that but that's not in my world no you know and also it does create an environment that's quite nice in the sense of like you know you have space from each and you have the ability to have a lot of space from each other you know you have the ability to go and hang out with your mates who i necessarily don't know but you know you trust each other and and and that's something that you

you go on and do but in this in the sense of like you'll find someone when you're not looking for it i think that yeah because that's life that's that's that's opportunity do you know i mean that's that's the the way how how it goes you know you're not necessarily like even if you met someone on bumble or tinder that you then had a long-term relationship for you weren't necessarily looking for that person in particular you know i mean you just were in there and and you know and it's like it's the classic phrase of in it to win it and i think that everyone is in it in in a sense do you know what i mean because that's our natural bodily function

that's our hormones you know going out there and wanting someone to have a partnership with uh to share it's human nature yeah and that's why that's why i think that you know and i think it was a really interesting topic that came up on astigmatism with um on love island as well which which by the way is just shows and again my so my girlfriend is a neuroscientist wow she had never watched love island before she had never watched it i said to her i'm gonna watch it she was like are you kidding me i I was like, yeah, it's amazing. I was like, you see the psychology of these people and that's the thing that realistically you're addicted to.

And she was like, no, it's trash. It's trash, it's trash, it's trash. I cannot pull her away from it. Really? Like, she sends me the memes. She's watching the Australian version like it's unbelievable and and and the thing that I was talking about especially with that is you know in it to win it and and all those types of

things and it being human nature that you know we are always looking for someone you know and that's that's just how it goes whether or not when that person is and who that person is is just down to opportunity and where you are that leads it on to the thing of did you see the episode where they all wrote down how many people they had slept with yeah god that was quite dark i think it got quite shameful people were being like oh like quite judgy yeah but why i don't understand i honestly don't understand. I honestly don't understand. Because we've been conditioned to judge people. But do you think that our generation, do you think that our generation,

I'm presuming we're all like the same age. Yeah. Do you think that our generation numbers, in quotes, for girls will be higher? And that acceptable number for girls, wherever that is, because I believe that even within girl circles, they have different,

I mean, for you, what is an acceptable number for a guy for a girl for a girl oh there's no such thing i don't think anything's acceptable if you ask me so what would your girlfriends say oh it varies a lot it varies a lot some people are in single digits i don't i think i think but like what would they say no one's none of my friends have gone up over like 40 odd as far as i'm concerned but like what would they say like like have you got friends that some friends are like she's slept with over 20 people that's too many i don't think so but my friends are quite liberal and pro-sex well doing what you want to be honest um so am i but i think it's different for guys i know friends of mine and myself included unfortunately would probably judge a guy if

they'd slept with you know like adam for example had slept with more than 200 women and he's only 22 well there's a lot even if he hasn't to say something like that isn't a good judge isn't a good sign of their character no it says I don't necessarily yeah I understand how people can think that it's a judge of character but we live in a we are in a tinder right where it's feasible to have a date every night with a different person it just suggests to me that the every night with a different person it just suggests to me that the sex didn't in most of those cases can't have really meant anything it suggests to me that you view women or men whoever you're interested in as disposable which is i think one of the biggest problems with the dating app culture that we live in is that we are

encouraged to see each other as disposable and that's why it makes it so much harder to find longer lasting relationships because you have to put that extra bit of effort in for sure but if you're talking about you know the the idea of um you know uh sex in the way how you put it what did you say free free sex what is it liberal i don't know not liberal sex but just there's anything there's no inappropriate yeah there's no inappropriate thing because it because it's it as as humans that's what you feel like is the right thing to do at that moment i don't therefore think that that means because you've slept with that person and you don't necessarily want anything after that doesn't mean that you think of them as disposable do you know what i mean i don't think like there's there's people that you know i know i've i've slept with in the past that i wouldn't deem

as disposable but i only was you know with that person for a one time that only happened once or do you know what i mean like i wouldn't be that person is disposable i would just deem it as at that moment in my life that was the right thing to do yeah that's true actually and yeah you know as we've talked about before you can have you may only have sex with someone one time but that doesn't mean that's the only time you ever see them or something you know maybe they're a friend maybe they're dating for a few weeks exactly exactly yeah um all right let's wrap up this section guys by just thinking about what tips we have to help people actively find love obviously you know use obvious things like going on dating apps which even though some people are just looking for hookups on there some people are looking for love it's a bit of both but i

would say i think there's been a real resurgence recently in sort of offline dating events like speed dating still very much a thing and there are all sorts of different things popping up like little gimmicky ways that people are doing this is like yoga speed dating we were going to do the other week and then it got cancelled actually but there are all these different things and if you seek them out there are creative ways to meet people I think yeah I think they are too but I do it doesn't really sit well with me the idea of like forced mingling you know what I mean even though even though it's a really fun concept you know a part of me thinks that the guy I want to meet isn't going to be someone that's going to go to a yoga speed dating event you know what I mean and that's really judgmental of me thinks that the guy I want to meet isn't going to be someone that's going to go to a yoga speed dating event.

You know what I mean? And that's really judgmental of me, obviously. No, I know. But it just puts me off, which maybe is really bad. Well, I'll stay single forever. But I would rather meet someone more organically. I think we'd all ideally like to meet someone in a very cute way, like in a lift, or we'd search for the same trainers on instagram or something there's just an element of cringeness that i don't think i'd be able to stomach at an event like that but there's some there's some women out there that will say oh that sounds

really fun i'd love to meet a bloke that has that same sense of humor as me well exactly i'm not one of those women but yeah i'm sure there are some people that are yeah that's the thing it's like you know i've tried these things you know because of tv and those types of things you know and you try out these like wacky ways of meeting people um they are weird yeah they are weird but at the end of the day it comes down to conversation and in that you are having a conversation with someone that you never normally would have a conversation with yeah and it is harder to have those sort of spontaneous conversations in real life settings now than ever before because people just don't really approach people as much the fact of the

matter is as an adult you don't actually meet new people in any capacity actually that often other than work really yeah that's a whole other it depends on your industry obviously if your job involves meeting people all the time and you're going to different events and functions and stuff and sure we're all going to parties and stuff but actually you know you don't exactly make loads of new adult friends all the time do you um so i think it's a case of putting yourself out there do either of you guys have any tips for if you're if you're seeking something i think if you are if you are active on um bumble or tinder i think something that one of my guy friends struggles with a lot he used to say to me i don't get any matches I don't do any of this blah blah blah it's because he doesn't

own or update his Instagram really and that is that is God's honest truth and I know it is and I know it is because it's a safety net

Instagram is a safety net for a lot of people Instagram is I can see you I can work you out more so from a series of photos that you deem your life

and as bad as millennial as that sounds it's dead true if you match with someone you match with someone on tinder or bumble you're looking at their Instagram absolutely and if there's a guy on there that like is struggling with or a girl that's like oh I'm not you know I'm not getting any matches blah blah blah maybe it's because your last ten pictures are of trees you know like which which may be great but they don't say anything about you gotta think about your personal brand baby but that's it that's it like that's it you know and if you are going to sign up to one of these things that's what they are you are essentially selling yourself you're creating a

bio you're putting a shop window up you know it's crazy right yeah exactly yeah it's a curated version of yourself so if you're gonnaate yourself, curate yourself well. Yeah, exactly. Excellent. All right. We've got a few minutes, guys. Let's go through a dating disaster story because we've had so many great tales and we need to plow through them.

Right. Here goes. Not long after I split with my ex, I met a man on a night out. Alex, a doctor. Sadly, not the Alex from Love Island. We met whilst he was on a stag do, but he actually lived in Bristol. We met for brunch on the Sunday morning before he went back to Bristol. It went well and he wanted me to go to the city to see him.

I said no. He also wanted to kiss me and I said no. I wasn't going to make it that easy for him. I always admire a girl that plays hardball. and I said no, I wasn't going to make it that easy for him. I always admire a girl that plays hardball. He was constantly messaging me and saying how he couldn't remember the last time he had put in this much effort. His next suggestion was a date to Paris for the day.

I thought, what a great story this will make, and went along with it. He bought the tickets the next day. I was slightly concerned I was about to star in the reality version of Taken without Liam Neeson as a father, but I still went along with it. My friends were probably more excited than I was about to star in the reality version of Taken without Liam Neeson as a father but I still went along with it. My friends were probably more excited than I was. It was the most romantic and exciting date of my life and we shared our first kiss at the top of the Eiffel Tower. I returned home that night gushing thinking I'd finally found the one and how I would be telling our grandchildren this story. He seemed really into it as well, cuddling and kissing me. How wrong I was. After

the Paris date, Alex turned into a complete cold fish. He wouldn't message me and if he did, it would be an emoji or a simple haha. With regards to the next date, he kept saying he would check his diary. Eventually, the third date happened and I went to see him. It was the worst date and sex of my entire life. He wouldn't hold my hand. He wouldn't cuddle me. I was beginning to wonder why he bothered to invite me. We went out for dinner and drinks and then he suggested Netflix and chill. In my head, that meant sex.

Nope. He wanted to watch a whole film, which, by the way, was so boring and he made no advances. At the end of the film he said should we go to bed and I had no idea then if we were going to have sex or not and I awkwardly stripped in front of him and put my pajamas on. I felt so uncomfortable. I went to the bathroom and when I came back he was in bed wearing a t-shirt with the covers pulled right up to his chest. Not the body language of a man who wanted to bang. I got into bed and lay next to him. He then began to initiate sex and I went along with it. It was awful. I nearly asked him to stop halfway through but persevered thinking

it might improve. The following morning he jumped out of bed and got changed in the bathroom. He then went straight to his computer to do work. I was annoyed and felt confused. He then spent the whole of breakfast telling me how busy he was. I asked him if he wanted a casual relationship because he was making it out like he had no time and expressed no interest in seeing me again. He said yes, he was wanting something more casual, so I knocked that on the head. There was nothing worth coming back for. Still to this day, I cannot understand why he would have spent hundreds of pounds on taking me to Paris if all he wanted was something casual one big huge dating disaster this story is just mental I think he's clearly just the Paris thing is classic I don't know what to do on a day I've got relatively decent amount of money to be able to go

and do something mum is this what I meant to do on a date. I've got a relatively decent amount of money to be able to go and do something. Mum, is this what I'm meant to do for a girl? I think the fact that he's got his T-shirt on, obviously, in bed, or like, you know, during sex, or he's getting changed in the bathroom, it's just classic insecurities about how he looks or everything like that. And so I think that... I don't know, it kind of seems a bit...

I think it's less so about anything. You know, there's clearly issues on his side that are not, I don't think he's just, I don't think he purposefully is doing that. If that makes sense. I don't think he's purposefully trying to be a bad person. I think that there's a lot of underlying things of like, he doesn't know what is the norm i think he maybe doesn't know what he wants either though because he's sent her

very mixed signals mixed signals but that's i think that's but i think that's that's because they're they're pushed in there from someone else it's like i've got a first date with someone what am i meant to do i've seen this in the movies. I'll do this. It's like a robot going for a date. Do you know what I mean? That's what that sounds like. No one's ever taken me on a second date to Paris. Yeah.

In fact, I was actually talking to a guy on Bumble recently and I swiped right on him purely because in his bio, he put something like, if you're into traveling, we'll do the third date abroad. And I messaged him going, as if you take girls or like you go on third dates abroad. And he was like, yeah, I might. And I was like, I don't believe you. I don't believe you. Would you go though if a guy you barely know invited you to go away with him?

If I'd had two magical first dates. And if it was like away for like a night or a day, then yeah. I would, but only if we split it. I wouldn't let him pay for the whole thing. Oh no, no, I didn't mean that. Unless he was like away for like a night or a day then yeah I would but only if we split it I wouldn't let him pay for the whole thing oh no no I didn't mean that unless he was like

a bajillionaire unless he was a bajillionaire yeah no I find that so strange I think if you I mean we spoke about this a few weeks ago if someone offers

to take you away and pays you it like sets a precedent for like I'm in control of this whole relationship I don't think so do you not think I completely disagree

I completely disagree i completely disagree i'm really sorry if a girl said if you offered to take someone away and said i'll pay for the whole thing and they said no that makes me feel uncomfortable if they said it makes me feel uncomfortable then of course of course of course but i think that if you're just wanting to treat someone i thought yeah i recently went i recently went away my girlfriend's moving to hong kong for six months so it's like you know we're gonna see each other back and forth a little bit but you know we went to mexico and i paid for the whole thing because i wanted to do that like you know that's that's something that that's my money i i worked for that and there's nothing against her like if she said i want to pay for this you know i think she said

you know she said to me i want to pay for my plane ticket fine like you whatever it is you know i mean it's like i think it's doing something nice for someone i think that yeah in a way like that where someone's like if anyone were to say to me they they feel uncomfortable then that's but how soon into it did you go away together to mexico how soon is the relationship was it yeah see that's what i mean i mean doing it very early on it's just a bit strange like i think a month sorry a month into our relationship she invited me to go and stay at her family home in switzerland that's sweet but that's but essentially i'm not paying for it yeah i could have been like no i'm gonna buy a hotel i see what you mean don't offer me that i think that's that's an intimate you intimate invitation to come and meet your family.

I think that's really sweet. That's sweet as well, because you must have just known that there was something, some sort of spark, something there, and that you wanted to meet the families and stuff, and that's really sweet.

Yeah. Sadly, it did not work out so well for our listener, but thank you for sending in the story nonetheless. Alas, we are out of time another episode has gone by but thank you for listening everyone please do subscribe

rate and review us on Apple Podcasts as this helps other people discover millennial love and makes us super happy yes and please keep sending in your dating disasters

and dilemmas you can Instagram us Instagram us DM us slide into the DMs. All of your love. Yeah, millennial underscore love, or you can email us at millennial.love at independent.co.uk

and every story will be kept anonymous. Or you can join our Facebook group, which is facebook.com forward slash groups, forward slash millennial.love Thank you so much to Roman for joining us. Thank you, you guys. No, no, no no it was wicked that was really nice i think i think it's very interesting and sorry if i disagree on some of the no it's

good if you do yeah it's better if you do no i just think that i to be totally honest i think guys just need to massively sharpen up their dating game and just look at the things that people are doing in love island then look at the reaction and then maybe think, don't act like that. I do. I think Love Island is a very educational show. No, I completely agree. Completely agree. It's been fantastic to have you here. Where can people find you?

Obviously on the radio. Yeah. A lot of people think my name's Ronan, Rowan, Ryan. It's Roman, as in the, you know,

people that lived in olden days in Rome yeah just on the Instagrams really Roman Kemp that's it great everyone give

Roman a follow have a lovely week everyone and goodbye oh we should also mention our Love Island special guest

oh yes next week we have a Love Island special guest we said it was going to be this week it's going to be next week we have a Love Island special guest. We said it was going to be this week. It's going to be next week. We'll tell you when we're off air.

Top secret, guys. Okay, so now have a lovely week. Okay, bye-bye. Whether you're in your running era, Pilates era or yoga era, dive into Peloton workouts that work with you. From meditating at your kid's game to mastering a strength program, they've got everything you need to keep knocking down your goals.

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