Love Lives - #48 Crushes: The excitement and pain of fancying someone

Episode Date: August 24, 2018

Contrary to what popular culture would have us believe, having a crush is not limited to our teenage years: it's exciting, it's annoying and it very much still happens as an adult.This week on Millennial Love, Rachel and Olivia are joined by comedian, TV presenter and podcaster James Barr to discuss our crushes past and present (both human and of the plant variety). How can you tell someone has a crush on you? And what should you do when you're crushing on someone?Follow us on Instagram to stay up-to-date! https://www.instagram.com/millennial_loveSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/millenniallove. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Twas the season of chaos and all through the house, not one person was stressing. Holla differently this year with DoorDash. Don't want to holla do the most? Holla don't. More festive, less frantic. Get deals for every occasion with DoorDash. Hello and welcome to Millennial Love, the Independent Lifestyle Desk's weekly podcast on love, dating and relationships. Hosted by me, Rachel Hosey, Assistant Lifestyle Editor. And me, Olivia Petter, Lifestyle Writer. Dating today is a world away from what it was even just a few years ago. With dating apps, millennials are finding it harder to meet people than ever before.

And even when we do, who's to say we won't be ghosted or breadcrumbed or zombied? So that's why we decided to launch Millennial Love as two long-time singletons in their 20s, talking candidly about all of the things everyone is doing, but not always willing to admit. Today, we are delighted to welcome comedian, MTV presenter and co-host of a gay and a non-gay podcast, James Barr. Oh my God, so excited to be here. I had to Google what zombied was, by the way. Did you?

Yeah, how crazy that I didn't know that. But had it happened to you? Oh, all the time. The thing is though, there are too many dating terms these days. If you, dear listener, are not aware of zombying, it kind of makes sense when you explain it. It's when you get ghosted and then that person comes back from the dead into your your life i have a confession i have been a zombie i think have you i've never met a zombie i recently oh really well hi um we're really fab uh we're much prettier than we're made out to be i yeah i messaged the guy after a while and was like oh hey i didn't realize i didn't reply

and then he was like why are you messaging me and i had to pretend i wasn't messaging him because i wanted to hook up with him and i was just messaging him to say hey so sorry i think we're all guilty of it on some level no one no one like consciously zombies someone do they no i don't think so i think i just thought oh i should probably say hey and then remember that yeah on some level you might think you'll be a good person because yeah i think you do and you're like oh i ghosted them yeah it'll be better it'll be a good person because the guilt steps in and you're like, oh, I ghosted them. Oops. It'll be good if I now get in touch and try and get something from them. Absolutely.

I think so. Anyway, sorry about that. No, I mean, it happens to us all. We all do it, maybe sometimes. But anyway, James, why don't you tell the listeners

who might not know you a little bit about who you are and what you do? Okay, well, I'm really tired right now because I just came back from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival where I performed my first solo show, Thirst Trap.

Which got fantastic reviews. Stop. It did. It did. And the whole point of my show was I was trying to find a husband. So I was swiping the audience in real time. I love that. And going on dates and stuff.

Sadly, it didn't work out. I didn't meet a husband from the show. So that is not great but it was really fun yeah the reviews were great um i also co-host a gay and a non-gay which is a podcast that's been going well we're nearly actually at our 100th episode so that's really crazy and we've had like amazing um amazing reviews on itunes from our listeners and we get such lovely feedback all the time but it's so funny because whenever whenever anyone says like what is your podcast i find it so hard to explain it other than the title which is obviously a gay and then a non-gay um and people

get weirdly offended by it as well because they kind of feel like we shouldn't be stereotyping ourselves interesting which i think is really interesting but then i just say to them well you need to listen to episode one because we really hated the title when it started we didn't want to do that did you not choose the title i did yeah because i had nothing else to go on no but you know what i mean we were a bit like sort of the day before we did our first recording we were like what are we gonna call it yeah no one ever likes the name they choose but you get used to it but i do now love it i love your title and learning your love's great it says what it is and that's the same for us and really it's basically my friend's boyfriend and i hanging out so we were like not friends dan and i but i was friends with his girlfriend and she said oh you

two should like hang out you have nothing in common record it see what happens and then yeah like three years later we're nearly at our 100th episode. It's really fun. I really enjoy it. Thanks. Because you guys discuss really interesting topics. Yeah. And I always learn stuff, but it's entertaining as well. Well, that's the thing. I think we plan to talk about stuff, but then we go off on tangents because I find out that

Dan has no idea what a dom top is. And I need to educate him again. I don't know what that is. You don't? Oh, you do. No, it's okay. It's just like a dominant top. Someone who goes on top?

No. Okay, hold on. You know about top and bottom in gay relationships, right? No? Oh, are you kidding? No, not really. Tell us. Okay, so one gay would be the one that's giving

and one would be the one that's receiving. Got it, got it, got it. You can also get versatile and people are different levels of top or bottom. So anyway, a dom top would be someone that's a dominant can also get versatile um and people are different like levels of top or bottom so anyway dom top would be someone you know what i always see my gay friends on twitter talking about this and i never got it well that's what my podcast is for because we're trying to educate i think i need to go to some back episodes yeah and i've also learned a lot about metal music because the non-gay Dan is heavily into metal and I hate it.

I think it's awful. But yeah, and I think he sort of feels like metal, people that like metal are also seen as a minority. So we get into lots of arguments about that. But I learned loads about the non-gay world too. I mean, I love it. It's great. It's crazy. There's so much out there that we just don't know about each other.

Yeah. So true. Speaking of which, what news have you got for us this week, Livvy? Okay, so last week's episode sort of inspired me. We had the lovely Charlie Cox on to talk about why do we let people we like treat us like rubbish? Rubbish could be replaced with many other much far worse words um that I will not say on the podcast um and it kind of just made me realize god I've been letting some absolute loser

treat me like crap for about five months and did I not keep telling you yes yes you did Rachel you did but sometimes you just don't realize you need to realize it yourself your friends can tell you a hundred times you're too good for him he's being rubbish what is wrong with you but you just make excuses up for this person that you like like we said in last week's episode anyway so it just sort of reminded me like god i'm not actually going to tolerate this anymore and i just started dating other people oh my god yeah living this is so great and i just thought screw it like i'm not gonna wait around for some guy who's just gonna not reply to messages mess me around make excuses cancel like all this stuff and i was just like treat you as an option yeah

priority exactly and you only realize that you've you're being treated like rubbish when someone starts to treat you well and then you're like god what what earth was i putting up with that for yay i'm very proud of you yeah so how did you do that so well am i allowed to join in here yes please do so i i sort of drafted lots of messages in my head and in written form and yes and sent them to rachel um of saying things like because i hadn't heard from this guy for like five weeks um and he had said that he was going away but he'd love to see me when he comes back um and he said mid-august didn't he yeah like mid-august anyway he mid-august he mid-august did me i know i hadn't heard from him at all throughout the whole of August but he had liked a lot of my social media like Instagram and stuff which is just like so annoying anyway so I then um I then

sent him a really generic message about something completely unrelated not like hey how are you it was about like something I'd seen that he was interested in and he replied didn't say anything like how are you let's meet up nothing like a really crap reply and I just and I was going to send a message and being like god you're such a bleep bleep bleep because like how how have you not addressed the situation that you just messed me around and now you're just going to ignore the fact that you know we said we were going to hang out and you've just, just ignored it. But I decided to be the bigger person and just forget it and delete him from my phone and just, you know, screw it.

I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that I actually cared because I don't. Yeah. Snap, snap. It's interesting though because I can see like the two approaches to it. In some capacity you want to be like, he deserves to be told that he has not treated you well and he's been a complete dickhead and he is just like i don't know been an awful human but i can see the other angle of just being like well do you know what you're over it you're better than it yeah and also i

just think that's something that i would have done when i was a bit younger but actually what what is that gonna do like he's not he's not gonna he'll he'll see that message that angry message and show it to his mates and be like oh my god look at this psycho girl you know what i mean like he's not gonna take that seriously so what's the point i just think it's much and also i don't want to then have to think about this message that i've sent him be like oh i actually really regret saying that i'd rather just be the bigger person and just walk away so i feel like i've had a bit of a, I'm like enlightened recently about all of this shit.

Oh, sorry. I swore. Oh well, the independent can't sack me. And I was like, I was done with being treated like a doormat. But here's the flip on what you were just saying, Olivia. Maybe you were treating yourself badly. I think I was. By letting him even in. And actually maybe you should send yourself that text message that you were going to badly. I think I was. By letting him even in. And actually, maybe you should send yourself

that text message that you're going to send to him saying, actually, like, do not do that to yourself. Like, don't accept less than you are. We have to, like, love ourselves. And I know people say that and it doesn't really mean anything. We actually do, though. We really need to, like, know our own worth.

And then if someone even slightly, like, trips up on our own values like just that's it bye yeah no you're right you can come back i'm just so fed up of guys not replying if they don't reply i'm not going to send another text i'm moving on because i'm great and that's kind of what we need to think oh my god i'm getting emotional no you're so right and that's what i've always done yeah because we've seen all these films that have lied to us that told us like a love story is about winning some guy and making him see that we're the one.

And like, you know what? No, I ain't got time for that. I'm busy. We're millennials. We've got a lot going on. We're really important. And self-entitled. Yeah, we should be though.

I think we need to be a little bit self-entitled. Is that even a word? It's self-centered, isn't it? Or entitled. Self-centered, entitled, yeah. I literally said this to my hairdresser earlier. God, I'm so gay right now. Sorry, sorry.

I'm like clicheing it up. Have you seen The Holiday? Yeah, of course. And Kate Winslet, obviously. She's amazing. She's like, I should be the leading lady in my own life. Oh, the real life. And that's, I think that's it.

That's the secret. We should all be the leading ladies. Do you know what? I've been feeling that recently. I feel, I felt a bit like, there's this other film, which is like less classic than The Holiday, but it's on Netflix recently and it's called like the duff and it's about this girl who stands for something like something really fat friend or something okay but I can't be stands Anyway, so she is basically friends with all these girls

that people consider to be prettier and more attractive than her, and all the guys kind of befriend her to try and get to her friends. And I've been feeling a bit like that recently. I'm like, why are all these guys trying to talk to me? Because they want me to just say nice things to them, about them, to my friends who they fancy and I was like

hold the phone I'm not the best friend in my life in this movie yeah you're not the grenade what? have you not heard that term?

nope that's like when someone is trying to so when you're trying to pull someone your mate will like take the grenade to like distract them

oh I see I'm not I'm not the grenade I need to be the leading lady in my own life. You do. Thank you for the reminder. Absolutely. Okay, great.

Good for you. So you've been on dates? So yeah, I've been dating and realized that actually people can be nice and you don't have to wait around for someone that's going to spend ages messing with your head. Absolutely.

For the sake of it. So yeah. How about you, Rach? How was Paris? Yes, well, I went to Paris, which was just divine. It always is, isn't it? your head absolutely for the sake of it yeah um so yeah how about you right how's paris yes i went to paris which was just divine it always is isn't it um i mean obviously because i was there on a little girl's trip we did some tindering which was absolutely hilarious because french men are fully jokes like i had all these guys like called like roman and pierre oh my god i'm in love jerome and all this stuff and they were like literally all messaging me and then i mean i didn't see

any of them because a bunch of them were just like oh let's meet up now and i'm like i'm not literally gonna meet up with you like i'm here with my friend but um it was hilarious anyway and we went out to a club and everyone was really like really cool and i was like oh my gosh everyone in paris is beautiful and i had a lovely old time french men are hilarious i told you my story last week about my oh yeah of course yeah i found i'm going to my french accent now don't mock me but he was just so funny he was so intense i've never experienced anything like he kept like, I'm literally obsessed with your body. He said what?

Can we put that through Google Translate? I am literally obsessed with your body. Just like that. That's what he said. That's so hot. That's hot. I don't know. I was a bit cringed out by it.

Have you had sex at this point? No. Oh, that's a bit much then. That's a bit much. It was a bit weird. That's a little bit intense. But jokes. Yeah, no. It was funny. It was great. Good. that's a bit much it was a bit weird that's a little bit intense but jokes yeah no

it was funny it was great good I'm glad you went on the apps and just got some love and attention yeah it was really fun actually good

it was really fun less fruitful when we actually went out into the real world but you know got some app attention anyway so it's always interesting as well

to do some swiping while you're away yeah it's good it's window shopping yeah exactly however sorry would you have a like a eurostar relationship would you do that you can get some good offers right interesting you should suggest that um well i personally feel like it's it's difficult to start a relationship in different countries separated by eurostar whatever i think if you like so fun so expensive eurostar is expensive

you know if you if you like were with someone and then one of you moved to paris or brussels or amsterdam or the south of france or wherever you can go on eurostar these days then you could make it work because it's really quick and really easy but obviously that is the money side of things but i think you know if you met someone on one weekend and then for to try and make it a relationship i don't know it's a bit it would be a big like commitment wouldn't it i don't know would you I've done it a lot yeah I'm trying not to do it anymore but I just get I was just getting goosebumps thinking about being on the Eurostar going to see a romantic love interest a hot French guy yeah I haven't actually done it like from France but I've dated so many American guys like that I've met away I mean that's next step so stupid it's just

that it just doesn't work out and it's very expensive for it not to work out. Oh, yeah, but you just chat a lot online. I don't know. Yeah, it doesn't work out. But I love it. I think it's because I want to follow this story line. Yeah. I guess. So you didn't meet any French men that you're going to...

Well, no. And actually, I did get chatting to some. And there was actually this one guy who was like a lawyer. And he was like really fit i was almost concerned he wasn't real yeah as they say in france guys you're so good at french well no the good thing is i actually do speak french so we were um well that means even more yeah so to be honest it was quite funny because we were sort of doing a mix of French and English

but um and we like for some reason he like got me onto WhatsApp and everything oh you moved to WhatsApp I know

girl you're getting married that's amazing congratulations thank you so much our wedding will be in a chateau in Bordeaux

it will be lovely sounds divine no but my thinking was well I didn't even meet you so to be honest with you now I'm leaving bye bye

and since I've come back I've had some boys on tinder being like Richard it's a shame you left and I'm like well what are you going to do

we're all just so ridiculous Richard it's a shame you left that was questionable okay sorry do you know what bio of the week

bio of the week yes le Bio of the week? Yes. Le bio of the week? Stop. I mean, all I will say is I don't have a bio of the week because all I've been doing is swiping through French bios and I didn't know 10 years of down because they're all French anyway. Livvy, you don't have any bio because now you're dating new boys, aren't you? I'm dating new boys, not on the apps. No, actually some on the apps.

Well, irrelevant. Sorry. Enough about me. James. Just quickly on the French bio front they have instead of an aubergine do they have a baguette if you're American oh yes I did it however I was really concerned at some point because the guy was like I want to send you a picture and I was like ah it was just like a selfie of him with his mates but I was mildly terrified for a brief moment. Cute. Okay, so bio of the week.

Yeah, do you have any... I've been noticing a trend of gays on bios. You know, there's this whole thing. I don't know if you know this, but quite a lot of people on apps like Grindr will be really rude and quite awful. It's like a lot of internal... Yeah, I'm writing about that at the moment.

Are you? Yeah. Okay, great. So yeah, there's like a load of people that will say stuff like no fats no femmes no camps no asian um outrageous i know it's it's racist as well and it's disgusting anyway so now i've noticed people start saying no ariana grande fans which i'm really annoyed about this is a serious thing. Yeah, and I think they're doing it, I think they're saying that maybe because it's like, it's another way of saying no camp,

no camp people, right? Got it. I think, I think that's where it's coming from. I haven't actually spoken to anyone that's written that. But I keep seeing screenshots on Twitter and yeah, so I don't know. We've discussed quite a lot before

about how we hate bios that are just lists of all the things they don't want. Or I even hate it when guys will be like, and you know, I'm obviously only seeing straight or men who are interested in women's bios anyway. They'll say things like, looking for a petite woman or looking for a blonde athletic type or something. I'm like, excuse me.

Like, no. That's gross i know it's really just like don't just don't don't just like it's not not just not want to put in your bio people it's just weird isn't it i think it it they obviously think they're so great that they they get to choose like who they don't want but like that's not how dating should work i mean if you're just going to go and have sex with someone fine but if you're literally on a dating app trying to meet someone which is what supposedly these dating apps are for right then you shouldn't be doing that i don't think you should be talking about you i think i think so livi have you seen because i've seen this quite a lot I've seen a lot of guys going well not a lot

but a fair few going no vegans I have actually and what do you think of that I keep forgetting to send them to you I keep screenshotting them because Livvy is vegan

well yeah so I'm recently well fairly recently vegan oh it's about nine months yeah it's about nine months yeah just always representing the green organic brand

I think it's ridiculous and also i actually think that's that kind of plays into this idea of toxic masculinity a little bit because you know how people and i've spoken to friends about this a lot of people identify like manliness with like eating meat and being a carnivore and you know having your steak and veg every single night and it's just and like being a no that's how you get muscles and all this stuff and i think saying no vegans is almost being like well i'm not gonna want to you know cook for someone that doesn't want to eat my steak and like that kind of stuff you know it's just a bit i went out and got steak for you yeah exactly it's like very caveman it's weird isn't it um and i think also like go educate yourself because vegans are saving the

world so yeah i actually read one bio I think of a guy on Hinge, which did say something like, I really respect vegans, but I couldn't do it. And I was like, I mean, why put that in your bio? But yeah, fair enough. Yeah, I don't know why he put it in his bio. He may have worded it in a better way than I just said it. But I was like, that's new. It's like he's on a vegan dating app or something like why would you

definitely hinge so it's like so hard to meet the ones like you know yeah don't limit your pool why would you do that why would you cut out vegans yeah i wouldn't also as a vegan i wouldn't want to only date other vegans that would be like you saying no meat eaters yeah i'm not going to date a vegetarian i'm only dating vegans yeah it's weird isn't it it's really strange I don't care how other people eat yeah

strange dietism ooh interesting crushed it new topic content ooh

dietism I just picked up on what you meant yeah delayed reaction I can't wait to read that article yeah there's a lot

of that out there I think yeah judging people based on their diets. Very interesting. Okay, another topic now. The main topic we're going to discuss today is the very fun, or often fun, sometimes less fun, topic of crushes.

Yay! Which I just, I am so excited to get into this, guys, because I think, you know, popular culture sort of makes it out that crushes are something you only have when you're a teenager and you fancy someone at school and it's all you know new hormones and emotions and everything and I'm 26 next month and I still get crushes exactly the same as what as I did 10 years ago and I love that and i'm like do you ever grow out of getting crushes like if i'm still single and like when i'm a 50 am i still gonna get crushes kind of hope so i i definitely agree my mom crushes on richard gear all the time i love it she's way older than 50 yeah fantastic and he's pretty hot i kind of crush on him too

yeah absolutely so he's so zaddy so yeah do you guys have any crushes at the moment do you want to go first it's a bit different if you're dating guys because i feel like a crush is not someone you're dating oh yeah but i'm not i'm not seriously dating anyone no well i would then i'd hope you have crushes then yeah i have a date yeah i have crushes i feel like a crush is someone you're not you're not dating them you're probably not even romantically involved with them

you haven't kissed them or anything maybe there's someone you know there might be someone you work with there might be a friend or a friend of a friend

or that's what I think of crushes usually mine are all on Instagram oh yeah social media crushes is definitely a thing yeah I have so many Instagram crushes

and they're the ones that come up at the top of your feed I don't know how Instagram knows but somehow it always knows um and they're also like the first two or three bubbles in the story options right at the top always those guys how does it know i don't know but you know what i'm actually having a bit of a freak out about social media at the moment because i swear i have conversations with my friends about things and then i open my phone and i see an advert for the thing i was talking about on my phone and every time i've said this with my friends they've been

like that's happened to me as well so i think our phones are listening to us i think they're reading our minds they know who we fancy and they know what we want to buy they do yeah they probably do but can they can't facilitate us getting together with our crushes no they haven't got there yet that's what they need to do that's the next thing why i mean come on let's do something can you imagine yeah it was like hey i'm not gonna say whose name um james has watched your video like a million times you should date him you should date him that would be great i'm really okay with that releasing that info to the crush would potentially not help your chances i don't know i mean I'm not shy fair enough

I have I crush like since I've just recently like I'm now living on my own for the first time ever so I've started

crushing congratulations thanks I'm like crushing on all sorts of things that aren't people now so my Instagram discover has actually

yeah it's gone from like people to but I've just ordered Big Ken off the internet what that sounds like a sex toy I'm crushing on Big Ken off the internet What? That sounds like a sex toy I'm crushing on Big Ken, no he's a plant and he's amazing

he's like, yeah anyway, I'll stop talking about it but I'm kind of excited about Big Ken arriving. It sounds very exciting I'm very excited for Big Ken The website description is like he can fill any space with his glorious palm leaves so i think you can crush on people on things like tv shows yeah it's kind of it's kind of

like infatuation and you get a bit obsessed what i find is that i go through sometimes i sometimes i'm like i don't fancy anyone right now life is so boring i don't fancy anyone right now. Life is so boring. I don't fancy anyone. I need some excitement. And then I go through a phase where I'm like, I fancy everyone. And I don't know if it just comes from having a dry spell or just not getting any romance or action in your life. And then you're like, oh, my God, I just fancy everyone. That happens, though. I think it does.

I think it totally does and that but then i sometimes wonder if i'm sort of creating a crush in my own head and like i'm like do i really fancy this person or am i just trying to create some excitement in my own day-to-day life it's funny though because i think rachel the same as me like neither of us have ever had a serious relationship and people always ask me oh why like what's wrong with you I don't know what's wrong with me but I actually just genuinely had like a two year period after leaving

that's such a rude question by the way yeah it is such a rude question isn't it and I just had a two year period after leaving university when I was just focused on work I had lots of family stuff going on

I just didn't fancy anyone and no one came my way and I wasn't really actively looking for anyone either and I think we need to normalize that a bit more like there's nothing wrong with that there's this lie that you should be in a relationship like why yeah why do I have to be in a relationship yeah it's so stupid like it's great when you fancy someone it's great when you have a crush on someone but equally if you

don't like you're not a weird like social leper it's fine there's other stuff going on in your life exactly yeah completely although if you don't have a crush on Prince Harry like I do think like social leper, it's fine. There's other stuff going on in your life. Exactly. Yeah, completely. Although if you don't have a crush on Prince Harry, like I do think there's something wrong with you. Yeah, definitely. No, 100%. Always got a little spot for the house. Can trees help us grow more resilient to climate change? At the University of British Columbia,

we believe that they can. Dr. Suzanne Simard and her team are connecting our future to nature. Their Mother Tree project could transform how we manage forests, capturing more carbon and safeguarding biodiversity for generations to come.

At UBC, our researchers are answering today's most pressing questions. To learn how we're moving the world forward, visit ubc.ca forward happens here. It was the season of chaos and all through the house, not one person was stressing.

Holla differently this year with DoorDash. Don't want to holla do the most? Holla don't. More festive, less frantic. Get deals for every occasion with DoorDash. I do also think having a crush on someone can be amazing. You get this like fizzy excitement. It's a wonderful feeling.

And then, you know, they'll send you a message or smile at you or something will happen. You know, you'll get excited. I think you're excited because it's the prospect of what could come. The possibility. Yeah, exactly. At the same time, if it gets a bit much, it can be a bit debilitating. Because if it gets to the point where you're just thinking about this person all day, all night, you like them so much, but you're not in a relationship with them,

you're not dating them, you don't know what's going on with them, then it's like, or sometimes even if it's not at that level, it's still just a bit like, this is annoying, I can't focus on my work because I'm thinking about this boy all the time. You know? It can be a problem

if you don't really know the person because for all you know, they're in a relationship. No, but, okay, so here's my question. Can you really have a crush on someone? I'm not talking about social media crushes or celebrity crushes

or plants for that matter. Hey, leave Big out of this um uh can you have a crush like an intense crush on someone you maybe know of and but you don't really know i think you can but i think it's a bit of a toxic crush because all of the information you have on that person is stuff you've essentially either found out on social media excessive stalking which is pretty unhealthy or stuff you've literally just convinced yourself is true because you want it to be true yeah do you mean like someone from the office that you don't know yeah exactly okay who are we talking about yes rachel who are you talking about? Yes, Rachel, who do you ask? Who are you talking about? I am not saying anything.

You're right there. You're right there. I think it's really common in a workplace context. Yeah. If it's someone you see every day, you can really, like, create an idea in your head and then, you know, you see them walk past you or, I don't know, you send them an email or something.

All these little things you create and it's to make your work day more interesting when i used to like try and date guys i work with all the time and you i'd get so excited when you got like an internal email from them it'd be like really sexy because yeah because it's like it's like we've got something happening oh they said kind regards rather than just regards oh my god oh my god we're getting there oh my god hot regards sensual regards um yeah no it is amazing but i think crushes are dangerous are they not i think they're dangerous because i think the key word is crush and like quite often after crushing on someone i will be there and it crushed. Like working out. Yeah. I don't know.

Because what do you do? You've got a crush on someone. When do you act on it? When do you declare feelings? Imagine if it's your friend. Have you had a crush on a friend? Oh, God. Yeah.

That's even worse. Yeah, I have. And you didn't mean it to be there. I think I've had friends who've crushed on me and then declared feelings. Right. It's difficult. It's very difficult. Have I had a crush on a friend?

Oh, this is what I was going to ask. Yeah, a little bit. Has anyone ever had a crush on you and declared it and you've been like, nah? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, actually. Did it surprise you? Did it come out of nowhere?

To be honest with you, I think i can always pick it up a little bit i remember at my last place of work um honestly this is genuinely my last place of work not my current place of work um sure no for realsies anyway there was a guy there who i was friends with and um he would come over to my desk a lot for a chat, blah, blah, blah. And then one day I was out for dinner with some of my work girlfriends. And they were like, you know, so-and-so has a huge crush on you, right? And I was like, I mean, I did have an inkling. But everyone had picked up on it.

But I was like, I can't be 100%. I don't know. Maybe he just wants to be my pal. But I was a bit like i i suspected did you have a crush on him back like no no it was a kind of a case of like i like warmest regards that's not essential stale regards no no, it was a case of, I really liked his company and I thought like maybe, but I wouldn't say I had a crush on him. Right. But that's not to say that, you know, further down the line,

things didn't cross over the line of friendship, to be honest, so. Oh, so this is how you got fired from that job. That's why you're here. And you're now in a new job. Nothing happened with that guy till I left said office. Good plan.

Yes. So I don't think it's good to do it if you're in the office still. It's not. I had a crush on a guy who used to come and hang out by my desk and we like dated for a bit. But then I found out

he was also dating Howell from the same office. Stop. Yeah. He was dating two guys in the same office. Yeah. And then I also found out he dated a third guy in the same office.

And there aren't that many gays in any office. Let me just put it out there. Quite a lot of nuts. Don't go in. Don't go in. I'm so, I'm just going to head out to the kitchen. Anyway, yeah, so what a dick. Oh, I swore again.

It's fine. I think we're past that line now. Plus, I definitely already said dick. Is it technically a swear word? You said dickhead earlier. Yeah, but I didn't hear it. Is that a swear word? I don't know.

I think dicks are so normalised now they're so in our faces casual sexism if dick isn't a swear word you know vagina shouldn't be a swear word vagina isn't a swear word

penis isn't it penis is the non-swear word yeah yeah yeah no you're right pussy isn't a swear word is what I meant to say should we stop now sorry

we can cut all this you can cut all this bit out anyway but yeah okay let me just do that again what an idiot fantastic yeah so guys what should you do when you've got a crush on someone do you just wait for it to go away or do you talk to them i think you think you have to be pragmatic about it be like okay if it's for example if it's an office crush if it's someone

that's like really senior you know i would just probably just let it let it go away yeah i think don't don't pursue someone more senior than you at work i'd suggest especially not anyone who's your direct like line manager oh god oh do you think that's bad yes what why i mean there's an argument for saying you shouldn't even be friends with people who are gonna directly directly affect your career path. Okay, yeah. I think getting involved with someone, not a good idea. I guess it depends if you want to be involved with them or not, or just tell them you have a crush on them and then walk away. You can't just be like, hi, I've got a crush on you, bye.

Can't you? I think you have to read the signs, to be honest. I was going to suggest that you do tell them and that you just do it really casual, though. You know your own worth, but you're like, oh, by the way, I have this weird crush on you. I'm going to go now. See you later. Yeah, just mic drop.

This is the thing that would only happen if you were at work drinks. Yeah, work drinks or Christmas party. Oh, my God, Christmas party. You know, like a little gentle tap on the shoulder like a flirty look yeah i'd be like oh you know i've got a crush on you stop it and then run to the bathroom oh that's so sassy i like that yeah i'd probably do it in a sassy way no that's quite interesting yeah i think i think you can't just straight up out of nowhere go up to your crush if you don't really know them and be like i like you let's go

for a drink or whatever i think think... Suss the vibe. Yeah, you need to suss the vibe. You need to do a bit of groundwork. Like, try a little bit of flirting, see if they flirt back,

see if they're game. If they don't, shut it down before it becomes harassment. And you've got to be like, no, okay. No, that's really, that's true.

You do have to feel the vibe a bit. It's the same in a club, isn't it? If you're trying to pull someone in real life, you would check you were both looking at each other feel the vibe a bit. It's the same in the club, isn't it? If you're trying to pull someone in real life, you would check you were both looking at each other before you made a move.

Yeah, exactly. Or that would just be like insanity. Yeah, eye contact. Looking at someone you've never even spoken to before and going, hey, you're fit. I'd find that really rude. Yeah. It's very ballsy.

Yeah, you definitely want the first thing you say when you meet someone in a nightclub to be, hey, you know, like you'd already looked at each other so now you're just saying hi yeah i think i completely agree and probably the same for an office crush yeah well like i don't know a real life crush in any capacity like if there was someone no i suppose you can't you can't really can you have a crush on someone you've just like if you go to a party one night and there's someone you've never met before you see them across the room no that you don them across the room. No, you don't have a crush on someone because you can't have a crush on someone after just one night, I don't think.

I think a crush is an enduring. If you speak to them, I think you can. No, I think you can fancy them. They can't be a crush. Yeah. Oh, really? I think you're right. Yeah, I think so.

Crush is a bit later down the line. I think you might get a crush on them. Say you meet them at a party or on a night out or something and you get chatting and then maybe sort of the next day you're like, hmm, actually, I think I kind of like them then a crush forms if you're thinking about them after you've hung out with them or met them then they're a crush what if and this is okay what you can edit this out if you want what so what if you're like sleeping with someone for a bit and you're just like casual you don't really think about it and then you get a crush on them.

Then you develop feels. Yeah. I know what you mean though. That's definitely a thing. You can start, you can start dating someone, sleeping with them, but actually not be that into them. Well, we discussed this when we discussed casual sex, didn't we? And then suddenly you are into them.

And then suddenly you are. And then that's why casual sex can be problematic because you might be into them and they might not be into you because for them it's just casual sex. And you it's like oh my god i want to have all your babies and this is where i'm at right now for more uh listen to again no i'm just joking i'm trying not to talk about my love life at the minute because i kept talking about it so much that i'd be like i've got a boyfriend and then the next week i'd be like he dumped me oh i know what you mean the struggle is so real yeah we totally feel that i mean yeah we have that every single week it's hard sharing so much yeah i've just been like i've got three crushes right now but i'm not naming them

no do you have three yeah oh at different levels of crush can you sort of just if you were to give them like a random nickname so they're anonymous could could you do that? Like, say one of them is someone you work with, or what? I can't reveal. I can't reveal. Oh, why? I'll reveal. Next weekish things have progressed. I'll give you an update on my three crushes.

One of them is kind of like a longstanding one that I don't think anything will ever happen with. But it's kind of just like a fun crush to have in the background. The other two, again, it's like it's a very early day situation. I'm also a bit like, am I just projecting onto this because I'm bored? And because I haven't fancied anyone for a while. Yeah. So we'll see whether the crush endures or whether it fizzles away. Your professionalism about getting subscribers is so great.

Yeah, I know. I'm so into this. Tune in next week. I'm so into it. I'm definitely there. I want to know more. Exactly into this. Tune in next week. I'm so into it. I'm definitely there. I want to know more. Exactly. So please do tune in next week.

But before we finish for today, guys, we will round up the crush section, but we've got a dating disaster. Yes. This is one we got sent to our inbox on the old email system. So thank you very much for sending this in. Dear Olivia and Rachel,

I met a guy about two years ago on Tinder. We went on a date, had a great time, but the following weekend I was out running, tripped and broke my ankle. Cut to me having to move home as crutches in me don't work. So needless to say, a second date never happened. Although we text occasionally, but unfortunately we drifted apart,

although every so often we texted each other to see how we both were. this eventually led to more frequent texting than cinema dinner and actually just becoming really really good friends suddenly this guy was giving me dating advice when in oh we've already sworn haven't we shitty relationships and would text to make sure i was okay after ending bad relationships with them he He was always giving sound advice about work and sending hilarious memes. I know what you're thinking, so I had to be honest. This is my When Harry Met Sally guy, or my movie-like romance moment. But no, we were just friends until...

We would occasionally cook each other dinner and moan about our dating lives. A few weeks ago, we decided to barbecue together and drunk copious amounts of gin and danced in the kitchen until 5am. Heading to bed, I pointed out the spare room. Instead, he insisted he wanted to share mine. Still thinking nothing would happen, we climbed into bed. But the gin or the dancing until 5am had changed something and we had sex. Amazing sex. Lots of sex. Which was odd because I thought being

naked with your best friend would feel strange but it felt so right. So in the morning we stayed in bed until 4pm and had a good old snog before he left. Yes I finally thought as I texted my girlfriends. We fell back into our normal pattern of texting and meme sharing straight away that evening. However two days later when he complained about a girl he was talking to on Bumble, my stomach flipped as I realised nothing had changed for him, but everything had for me. I texted back what I thought was a witty response about the Bumble girl and confronted the sex elephant in the room. He texted back saying it had been a drunken moment and wasn't sure how it had happened. Gutted. I didn't reply to his messages and he soon realised I was upset. Said he couldn't imagine his

life without me and would do anything to apologise. We decided to meet for a walk in a local park. The minute I saw him I knew my feelings had changed and I was determined to say how I felt but I didn't agree with him and also didn't want the life he wasn't in. So I agreed to go back to the way things were before but the whole time I was feeling the opposite. My heart was breaking and I realized that this guy is everything I wanted and more. Best friend, great in bed and someone I can tell anything. Anything except how I really felt. So I did just that. I told him we couldn't be friends anymore as I wanted more and he didn't. He said he wished things were different.

My decision had made him very sad and he really didn't like it. He said he'd missed me terribly and he was absolutely gutted. That I was a good one and deserved to be happy and just continue being me. But you know what? I didn't like feeling how I did. Searching inside of myself to see what was wrong with me. How could I be his best friend? Funny, clever, amazing, all in his words. Good enough to sleep with, but nothing more. So here I am, heartbroken, having lost my best friend and the guy I feel very strongly for.

But because I'm fed up of not putting my own feelings first, I felt I had to say something. I can't even bear to think about dating anyone else at the moment. I hope the sadness fades soon, but I think I had to take that step, otherwise how could it work between us, with me always wanting more and him not absolutely bloody love the podcast always look forward to it it feels like when I listen I'm just having a good old chin wag with my girlfriends thank you beautiful ladies oh it's such a sweet message oh oh how sad no it just breaks my heart because it's so frustrating like this guy obviously said all this stuff to her and wanted to still have a friendship with her but i told i if i was in her position i would do the same it's like well why am i not good enough why am i good enough for all of these things but not good enough to be in a relationship with

yeah i also think she was so brave to tell him how she felt oh she did the right thing massive kudos for that because it would be so easy to just think oh but i don't want to lose him i have this amazing connection with him but she's right if she had kept him in in her life it would only lead to disappointment down the line when her feelings for him only grow more and more intense and the fact that he doesn't reciprocate those feelings becomes more shattering it's really hard as well because you know why did he sleep with her yeah that that makes no sense does it like what there must have been attraction on some level i know that when we're drunk we all like i don't know everyone fancies everyone a little bit more when they're drunk i don't why why do we do that

don't drink and do anything guys we lose our inhibitions when we're drunk but that's the thing like when you're losing inhibitions that means you do have a feeling there somewhere exactly yeah you're doing the things that you just, when you're losing inhibitions, that means you do have a feeling they're somewhere. Exactly, yeah, you're doing the things that you just, you know, you wouldn't otherwise do but they're still you.

And they snogged when he left. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to sort of instill fake hope in you but I'm kind of like, is that maybe he's afraid

to confront it? I don't know. Well, let's not give him any credit. No, I think he's just a classic, doesn't know what he wants, has messed this girl around and clearly doesn't deserve her. You know, it's just confusing, it's upsetting, but this kind of stuff happens all the time, especially now.

It could be that he isn't sure what he wants, but he didn't say that did he no he just said no so therefore take that and like run with that i think yeah you have to just accept what someone says to your face i think otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy and you know it sounds like our friend here does know her own worth yeah that's really great amazing that's the win so amazing because so many people in this situation would have just clung on to him in any shape way shape or form absolutely and do you know what it sounds an awful lot like considering you have this amazing

connection he's gonna two years down the line or whatever be like oh my god i was such a moron oh totally why did i let her go like she was so the one that got away and he cocked it up but you know well the one that was pushed away well exactly um did did did she say at the beginning i can't remember that uh she'd fancied him originally yeah they went on one date and then she had to move back home right because she broke her ankle yeah they went on a tinder date yeah so which is also strange, because initially there's that attraction from his side as well. Right. So they were into each other.

The physical attraction. Yeah. Yeah. So it's very confusing from day one, really. So he just doesn't want to settle down, basically. He's not ready to do that. So yeah, he absolutely will realise his mistake. Also, I think pretty not kind of him to,

like the day after they sleep together, be messaging her about some bumbled girl. Like that's not very considerate. At first I thought maybe he was doing that to try and see what her reaction would be. But then he could also be doing that because he's trying to say to her, like, I'm still seeing other people.

Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, maybe that's what he was trying to do. It could be either of those things. Just be like, just so you know. But you've got to call it out, haven't you? And go, what are you doing? Yeah. What's happening?

Also subconsciously, it sounds like because these two had such a solid friendship i don't know how long it went on for it sounds like it's yeah it could have been a while it sounds like had that you know had that gone to something more serious and gone to a romantic relationship it would have been quite a serious relationship because they already have this very firm friendship yeah so that could be something that's very intimidating for him yeah and it could be like you know what i'm not ready for that right now i'm not ready for that right now um so i'm gonna i'm gonna just bow out because it would be so intense and i don't want to settle down you know it could be like this is the be all and end all because it's so great is ready exactly you meant to just like i think live for now and this

guy clearly should have just gone well i enjoy your company you're really fun sex was great let's just do that again tomorrow yeah and then see what happens the day after that yeah why do we have to put so much pressure on it to be the one or like you you and i together forever it should just be like we should just live in the moment and enjoy that rather than stressing so much but i think i i definitely do that i'm always like oh i've met the one for all time. But I shouldn't. None of us should do that.

No, but it's hard not to. Because if you like someone, you can't not think this might be it. It depends how old you are as well, I think. Why? Well, I don't know. I'm 24. I think if I met someone now,

my first thought wouldn't be like, this is the one. Oh my God, really? Really? No, I don't think I would. Who is this wouldn't be like this is the one oh my god really really no I don't think I would who is this person is this what you guys think really yeah I mean I'm trying not to because I think it's unhealthy if you don't think that what are you doing with them if you don't think they could be just having fun really that is the dream though I think so I'm saying that's what we should think well I don't I'm not saying like it couldn't be a relationship but my first it's sort of like it's an open possibility, I'm not saying, like, it couldn't be a relationship. But my first, it's sort of like, it's an open possibility. But I'm not thinking like, oh, my God, yes, marriage.

Done. Oh, God, I am. Signed, sealed, delivered. I don't want to get married yet. But I'm very conscious of the fact that I'm 26 next month. Biological clock. No, I don't care about my biological clock. But, you know, I'm not going to be just fannying around.

No. You know? And my point is, is I'm not going to date anyone if there couldn't be any scope for anything. No, I wouldn't. No, I wouldn't either. I just mean, I guess marriage and kids is just not on my mind. I think the difficulty is, like, for me coming at this,

is that because I'm gay, I think there is just so much more sex readily available all the time in the gay community so there's definitely less pressure to sort of meet the one it's a lot more confusing yeah um I think there's less pressure to meet the one but I still feel it but I think everyone else you still want to meet the one yeah absolutely but I now I'm like I'm trying to feel a bit I'm trying to think of it more like you Olivier and that in that I'm like, no, there isn't just one. There's just now.

You know, it's so funny because I say all this stuff, but I also freak out if anyone gets close to me and anything gets serious and I push everyone away. So lol, good times. Yeah, lol. You're doing it the same way. It's the opposite version of it. Like the guy's doing it like, I'm going to run away.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know, actually, if that made sense. But I think we should live in the now. Yes, live in the now. Namaste, everyone. Yes, namaste. Thank you for coming to this. No, but to the lovely reader.

Reader, I always say reader. The lovely listener who sent this in. Well done. Well done, you. Yeah. You did the right thing. You did. And that took a lot of courage.

And bravo to you. That's amazing amazing say out loud what you're feeling that's the most empowering thing ever absolutely terrifying thing to do but do it earlier

next time like after you know what I mean before you have sex maybe she didn't realise until the sex yeah maybe difficult

anyway thank you for sending it in and good luck keep us posted if there are any developments and we hope you're okay and you meet someone who will appreciate you you will you will thank you for sending it in and good luck keep us posted if there are any developments and we hope you're okay and you meet someone

who will appreciate you you will you will we all will guys we all will guys that's it for today no I know

thank you so much for listening everyone we hope you've enjoyed this episode we sure have if you have please do head to Apple Podcasts

or wherever you get your podcasts to rate to review subscribe we love all these things please and thank you yes and please keep sending us your stories we love to hear your experiences uh if you don't want us to read them out on the podcast we don't have to we still reply to every single message we get um you can contact us on instagram uh our handle is at millennial underscore love Or you can send us a

inbox on... Send us an inbox? An inbox on the old email system. That didn't make much sense. You can send us an email, as some people refer to it. Our email address is Millennial dot love at Independent dot go dot UK. And every story you send will be kept anonymous. Yes, it will. James, thank you

so much for joining us. Thank you for having me. It's been a pleasure pleasure you've been a ray of sunshine it's been so much fun anytime you want me back I'd love to hang out with you guys again we want you back we want you back already

for good where can everyone find you and what's going on with you what's next so we're again a non-gay on all the different podcast apps

we're on iTunes Apple Podcasts Spotify etc and you can check us out online gaynongay.com. And if you want to come to our 100th episode,

you can buy tickets from gaynongay.com slash 100. And it's happening on the... It's happening on the... I'm so bad at this. I'm so bad at admin. You're doing great. And it's happening at King's Place at the London Podcast Festival

on Saturday the 8th of September at 7pm gaynongay.com slash 100 awesome yeah woo I did it so excited

got all the admin out oh my gosh you absolutely nailed it everyone go see the live recording thank you for listening everyone thanks for having me and thanks for listening

and don't forget to tune in next week to find out what's going on with this incredible three crush moment yes from Rachel I will probably have zero updates but i'll let you know i might actually things might happen the weekend is upon us yeah it's a bank holiday too oh extra swiping so much scope for escapades

okay bye everyone have a good week. Bye.