Love Lives - #53 Let's talk about sex(ual health), baby

Episode Date: September 28, 2018

Happy Sexual Health Week, everyone! What a time to be alive.In all seriousness though, being sexually healthy is incredibly important, and that's why we figured a podcast on the topic was long overdue.From the different types of sexually transmitted infections and how you contract one, to how to get tested and what we can do to break down the stigma of having one - let's talk about sex(ual health), baby.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/millenniallove. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca. Hello and welcome to Millennial Love, the Independent Lifestyle Desk's weekly podcast on love, dating and relationships. Hosted by me, Olivia Petter, Lifestyle Writer. And me, Rachel Hosey, assistant lifestyle editor. Dating Today is a world away from what it was even just 10 years ago. With dating apps, millennials are finding it harder to meet people than ever before. And even when they do, who's to say

we won't be ghosted, breadcrumbed or zombied? So that's why we decided to launch Millennial Love as two long-time singletons in their 20s talking candidly about all of the things everyone is doing but not always willing to admit. This week it's just Olivia and myself and in honour of Sexual Health Awareness Week we're going to be talking about surprisingly all things sexual health related from the nitty-gritty of dealing with STIs to what you can do to prevent getting them. Yes it's going to be a very gory episode. Yes, gruesome talk.

Although, what we should say is we're also going to be talking about the stigma and so why actually we shouldn't be thinking of it as gory. No. Because they're not gory, actually. No. And, I mean, we will get into this later. We'll get into it later. Dating debrief.

Rachel, what's been going on um so I have to announce that we are once again recording this podcast in advance because someone is going away and it's not me welcome to the past yes however when this episode comes out I will be the grand old age of 26 oh my god yes of course I know happy birthday to me um so I feel like obviously I will be a whole new woman and obviously will be very mature and sophisticated and will not drink too much and will be very classy and attractive and I think I'll be attracting a whole new breed of men so speaking into the future I'm probably gonna be like engaged by the time this comes out so yeah look forward to that to be honest engaged yeah because I think it will probably just I'll

meet someone as soon as I turn 26 and then was that everything will fall into place was that your age I'm sure you will was that your age like you know when you're younger and you say well I want to be married by the time no I want to meet the person I'm going to marry by the time I'm 26. Be with them for like two years, have kids. Do you have like that timeline? You know, I never had anything strict like that. However, if you'd asked me like 10 years ago, I probably would have said, meet the person at 26,

be with them for like two, three years, get engaged at 29, get married at 30, pop your first kid out at 32. But I mean, that's what teenage me would have said but teenage me would have thought 26 was bloody old and now I'm like I have no idea what I'm doing I can't adult yeah I think I would have said probably meet the person by like 27 28 I'm way off I'm only 24 I got ages I'm way off. I'm only 24. I got ages. I'm only 25. So young. I am so young. Piss off.

Once again, you have not asked what's going on in my life, so I'll just tell you. I was getting there, Olivia. God damn it. Give me a second to talk about myself first, wouldn't you? Yeah. Okay. What's going on in your life? Tell us where you're going to be when this comes out.

I will be in Africa. Africa. Yeah. Now that's's exotic i'm very excited um i will have probably finished watching killing eve which is the current tv series i've been obsessing over it's brilliant and one of the interesting things that struck me when i was watching it was that the assassin character in it because there is an assassin spoiler well be careful with these spoilers now okay female assassin that's not a spoiler that she that's the premise of the show yeah sure um and interestingly she is um i think towards the end of the series you sort of learn that she identifies as gay. Sure. And she's obviously a very,

she's portrayed as a bit of a sociopath, as an assassin would be. And I can't help but think that it's interesting that they cast the subversive character as the lesbian. And I just wondered, you know, why have we not seen more main characters? Right. Yeah, yeah.

As sexually... But is the assassin not the main character? No, she's not. She is the main character, but she's sort of like, she's the transgressive one. And I can't help but thinking that her identifying as lesbian is part of her like otherness yeah exactly and that sort of bothers me it was like when we saw that headline i can't remember he wrote it a different news site

did a headline like what gay and lesbian couples can teach us about love or something yeah which made it the us made it sound really like like weird the other yeah that really bothered me as well it's a part of it's it's segregation and it's them and us yeah and it there's there's just something mild there was something mildly homophobic about that about that headline it was a social cell um for an article and it just it made me feel really uncomfortable and i just i just wondered like you know why don't we see more uh tv shows and films where the main character is gay and that isn't a part of their characterization in any way they're just gay like they are as if they're just

straight it's not something that's anything it doesn't add to like some weird yeah subversive thing to their character it's just it's just a fact that is there you know what's so interesting i remember thinking this about um body shape and size as well because i i remember this was years ago actually and i realized i mentioned high school musical last episode but i'm gonna mention it again there is one of the women in the cast god i can't remember her name now that's awful of me but as a one of the friends of the not one of the women in the cast, God, I can't remember her name now. It's awful of me. But it's one of the friends of the, not one of the main characters,

but obviously she's not one of the main characters because hello, that would be too much. But she's a large, like a plus size woman. But there's never any deal made about her size. When there are so many films like Hairspray, for example, where it's very much like, oh, the hot boy will never fancy me because i'm a slight i'm not a skinny girl and that's like there's so much made around the fact that

you're not skinny and it's such part of the character which is kind of the same thing yeah like why can't it just be it's not a deal it's not anything part of the story it just it just is what it is yeah because it almost as a viewer it makes you it gives you this idea like complex yeah it gives you a complex and it conditions you to see that as not normal in inverted commas yeah which obviously like a flaw yeah which provoke which implies a stigma so it's problematic but you know aside from that it's a very good show yes I'm still going to watch it yeah it's very good

lovely okay so for a bio this week this week bio of a week this week yeah bio of a week this week sorry

this week this week this week this week yes next in time this week being my birthday fortnight because I've decided it's birthday fortnight yes you didn't mention

that it was your birthday please tell us again. Can't wait. I hope I have been inundated with messages. So, yeah, bio of the week this week is from a boy called William. And I saw this on Hinge. And if you don't know, Hinge is one where you don't have a strict bio as such. You pick certain little questions and talking points to answer.

You don't have a strict bio as such. You pick certain little questions and talking points to answer. One of which is typical Sunday, which is there obviously where you put what you do on a typical Sunday. However, William answered this with chocolate with sprinkles. Oh, got it. As in like an ice cream sundae. That's not bad.

I liked it. Cute. I was like, that's nice because mostly they go lion gym pub lunch pizza takeaway film on the sofa or something boring what's your typical sunday i mean to be honest probably lion gym yeah lion gym, meal prep if I'm extra organised. Maybe brunch, you know. Cleaning, very exciting. Laundry. What a wildlife you do lead. Sundays are great days.

What's your typical Sunday? My typical Sunday probably would be, well, I don't lie in because I just can't sleep late. Yeah, to be fair, I don't lie in, but I have like a lazy start to the day. Like lounging in my PJs for a bit. I'm not very good at that. I normally, it depends. If I'm hungover, I'll probably stay in bed feeling sorry for myself, looking for paracetamol. I can't stay in bed once I've woken up.

Yeah, I find it difficult. But if I watch something, I'm okay. If I'm not hungover, I'll get up and go for a run as soon as I'm awake. You're a weirdo. Yeah, and then come back and be really smug and have a nice long shower anyway this is boring shall we shall we start talking about our topic of the day yes I think we should so yeah actually kind of the first thing I wanted to say is STIs versus STDs sexually transmitted infections versus sexually transmitted diseases

I remember being at school so I mean let's be real about ten years ago now I'm getting so old and they were teaching us about this and they told us that we had to call them sexually transmitted infections rather than diseases because diseases was considered like like it was more a negative thing and there was a creating more of a stigma however i think people do very much use both don't they i think they use both but you're right i mean like an infection is a very different thing from a disease i think they should be called stis yeah i think actually

on the nhs i think it's referred to as stis it's not stds i think it's a better way to use it. Yeah. Because, you know, you get an infection, there's nothing you can do about it. Now, does the same go for STIs? It's tricky because, you know, sometimes maybe you just didn't take the necessary precautions such as using protection. Mm. Right? And that is something that you have control over. But sometimes, you know, maybe you accidentally trust someone and they lie to you and say they don't have something when they do. And it's kind of like we're gonna do about that. The main problem is that STIs and STDs,

however you choose to refer to them, carry this stigma. There is this idea, universal idea that if someone has an STD or an STI, they are promiscuous. They have slept with a lot of people. And that is why they have been cursed with this illness. It's like, you know, black mark. You are promiscuous.

That's why you have this disease or infection. Which makes the idea of asking someone before you sleep with them and say you don't have a condom if you were to do the sensible thing and ask someone by the way do you have any stds or stis quite an insulting question no but i was it shouldn't be. But you should always ask. The thing is, people always use the word clean as well. People ask them if they're clean.

Yeah. Which is like, not really okay, because then it implies if you have something, it's dirty. Well, exactly. There's a lot going on here. But it's very important. First of all, if you are going to sleep with someone without using protection, it's a risk you're willing to take.

You need to make sure you trust them as well. You need to make sure you trust them as well you need to make sure you trust them seeing yeah you don't know them that well and i have learned that you know you can think you know someone and trust them and then realize you're totally wrong of course but i think it all boils down to us really needing to reframe the stigma around stis. Like, for example, stats from the Health Protection Report in 2017 showed that there were 422,000 cases of STIs diagnosed in the UK alone in that one year. And also, if you think about it, there were probably more people who had them that didn't realise, right?

Yeah, exactly. Because a lot of them, like chlamydia, for example, you can have, for a long time no symptoms this is why it's so important to get checked this is why it is so important to get checked so i would suggest every time you get a new sexual partner get yourself tested before or after you sleep with them ideally before but you can't always plan these things rachel well sometimes you know in mind you're like getting a bikini wax you know what's happening later getting checked but you also need to give yourself a bit more time and the difficult thing

is you know when you're drunk you obviously lose your inhibitions so you'll be drunk you might be about to sleep with someone that person might not have a condom you might not have a condom and your drunk brain might tell you it doesn't matter i'm sure they're clean i trust them and i also think the person is more likely to lie to you as well and then in your drunk well in that situation yeah of course they're gonna like you're about to have sex exactly and in your drunk state you're not really thinking about it you just believe them and then the next day you're like oh my god i was such a moron i've only been on three dates with this guy he obviously said he didn't have anything but how do i know if that's true or not i wasn't thinking clearly because of all the alcohol yeah and that's that happens all the time but do you do you think where do you think the shame comes from surrounding

stds because we don't like i'm surprised it's taken us until now to even talk about it on the podcast like what i think part of the reason why it's taken us this long is because even you and i who talk about this stuff all the time are conditioned to view stds and stis as sort of the the last remaining taboo in terms of discussions about relationships because think about it we talk about everything we've talked about period sex we've talked about like contraception female masturbation all these things that are you know thought of this for a year yeah and we've only got to stds now which is so common do you know it's quite interesting though because my friends and i do sort of message about it we're like hey got my test results i don't have anything we're like yeah congratulations um and we do say congratulations because obviously ideally you don't want an

infection because also there are cases right where it can be it'd be problematic and it's not just something you take some and it goes away right no so if so okay so chlamydia for example what are the most common ones the most common ones let me look let me look at my useful list the uh most common ones well i think the most common one is chlamydia and then after that you've got gonorrhea genital warts genital herbes syphilis scabies pubic lice and then something i've actually never heard of called trichomoniasis i've never heard of that either no so the majority of these will not give you symptoms i think well no maybe it's just chlamydia that doesn't give you symptoms yeah i don't know well on the nhs website there are a list of a few symptoms like generic issues that you may encounter if you have been infected.

Things like unusual discharge from the vagina, penis or anus. Pain when peeing. Lumps or skin growths around the genitals or anus. A rash. Unusual vaginal bleeding. Itchy genitals or anus. Blisters and sores around the genitals or anus i don't think i've ever said anus so many times in my life quite a lot you did it brilliantly i'm

very impressed um i probably would have collapsed into a fit of giggles like a child so what i was going to say is chlamydia if left untreated can actually render women infertile see that's that's a worrying thing that is that is a worrying thing so that is. That is a worrying thing. So that is why it's important to get treated. However, if you do have it, it is very easy to treat. It is simply a case of going to the sexual health clinic and being given a course of antibiotics. Likewise, if you have a partner or have had a partner who calls you and says,

hey, BT dubs, I have chlamydia, just thought I'd tell you, which is, by the way the thing that you should do you should definitely do that if you get diagnosed with an sti you should phone i know it's embarrassing but you should phone the people you've slept with or had unprotected sex with and let them know because otherwise you could be you know putting them at a health risk yeah and then they'll be could be infecting someone else exactly so in that instance yeah you go and even if that is true you go to the sexual health clinic you tell them i have slept with someone who has chlamydia please can you treat me and they will give you antibiotics there

and then free and it is free exactly although sexual health clinics in the uk are massively underfunded and are dropping like flies so there aren't very many of them and it can be difficult to get appointments but what you can do it's like going to visit the gp is you can call these places the morning of and if there are cancellations they will give you an appointment that same day because also ultimately you know if you have chlamydia or any of the stis we've mentioned you want to get it treated pretty quickly. They know that. So they're going to try and get you seen. If you want to take a test and for some reason you can't get to a clinic. Yeah.

Okay, so this is what I think is so brilliant. There are websites where you can order a kit. Breaking news happens anywhere, anytime. Police have warned the protesters repeatedly, get back. CBC News brings the story to you as it happens. Hundreds of wildfires are burning.

Be the first to know what's going on and what that means for you and for Canadians. This situation has changed very quickly. Helping make sense of the world when it matters most. Stay in the know. CBC News. Twas the season of chaos and all through the house, not one person was stressing.

Holla differently this year with DoorDash. Don't want to holla do the most? Holla don't. More festive, less frantic. Get deals for every occasion with Doorordash don't want to holla do the most holla don't more festive less frantic get deals for every occasion with doordash to test yourself yeah so there's i've actually done a couple of them just because i've it's like i find it entirely intriguing and also just to be safe generally but i have to say i recently did one having not had sex for months and I was just like I mean I'm just doing this for the lols but um there's one if you go on shl.gov.uk which is sexual health London so one for the Londoners and they send you a test that you do at home there's like a little finger prick for blood and uh vaginal vaginal vaginal vaginal. Vaginal? Vaginal. Vaginal? Vaginal. Vaginal. I said that too many times. Swab. Vaginal swab.

Anus. Such children. And you do it all at home. It's like arrives in this little cardboard brown box with no branding or anything. So, you know, no one's going to know what it is. Do it yourself. Send it back. They like texture your results in like a day or two.

Super brittle. So if you like don't have time to go to a clinic or something and everyone i've never been to a clinic but everyone tells me sometimes there are long queues at weekends and stuff so you can do that yourself and that that that tests for the four main ones anyway which is that will test you so yeah the at home test tests you for hiv chlamydia gonorrhea another one and i think syphilis another one yeah so it's i mean that one is weird though because i've done it as well and with the um the blood test you have to like squeeze this strange syringe and it just like pricks a needle into your skin yeah oh well i've

had a blood test like that before i've never i so i'd never had a blood test before and i was doing myself and then you have to massage your finger as you've got like drops of blood going into this vial I've got very healthy blood flow so it's not a problem for me did you not have to massage your finger I got blood for days mate really I was like bleeding all over the shop was it blue blood yeah obviously I was I was um I was thinking of the period adverts that show blue blood and royal yes sorry me being the aristocracy sorry yes rachel is a member of the aristocracy if you didn't know that it's actually lady rachel of leicestershire um anyway they're very useful i think you should if you want to get tested and you can't go to a clinic, you can't get an appointment, order these online and then they will send you the results.

Totally free. Yeah, totally free. You send it back for free and everything. Yeah. And they will send you the results, I think, in like four days. I think it might be even quicker than that. Might be even quicker than that. And if you are diagnosed with something, they will call you and make sure that you get treated so fab yeah it's

really good i'm really lucky to have that service i'm sure that's obviously one sexual health london i'm sure there are ones for other cities around the uk and around the world just do a little google there's another test i think another london-based one that i did but that only tested for two things so the shl.gov.uk i think is a better. And I think not enough people know about it. No, they don't. And not enough people are talking about it, which is why there's so much shame around them when there really shouldn't be.

Because if you think, also there is just no logic to the argument that someone with an STD or STI is promiscuous because it only takes one person absolutely to infect you one person yes you know probability would say that the more people you sleep with the more likely you are to contract one yeah but it doesn't you're not increasing your chances no also it's not a bad thing to have slept with more people anyway. No, exactly. That is such a shame.

That's another stigma we need to change. I was reporting on an interesting study today which found that British men think that young British women aged 19 to 28 or something have sex 22 times a month. Really? I know. When the truth is, the average British woman in that age range has sex five times a month, which quite frankly to me sounds like quite a lot. But maybe it's different if you're in a relationship. I'm so wondering.

Yeah. So I thought that was quite interesting. And men actually have sex the exact same amount perhaps unsurprisingly but uh interesting both men and women thought that men were having sex on average 14 times a month so yeah no one's having as much sex as everyone thinks they are or as much as everyone is telling people that they are that too which is interesting if people are making out they're having more sex than they are and yet we still have this culture of thinking promiscuity and having a lot of sex is in some way bad there's also a severe lack of education around them so around stis yeah so

let me ask you rachel how do you think you get an STI? Having unprotected sex, probably mainly. I'm iffy about oral sex. Is that a cur way? I don't know. So yes, STIs, STDs can. I have to keep saying both of them. You know, the infections or diseases, whichever floats your boat. Call them infections infections okay the infections uh are easily passed between people through unprotected vaginal oral or anal sex okie dokie equally sharing vibrators or other sex toys that have not been washed or covered with a new condom each time they are used that can also pass the infection that's interesting i mean yeah okay because most people feel like most people don't share no i mean one would hope but well you know people can do what

they want exactly but i think a lot of people actually don't know that you can get these infections via oral sex as well interesting so it's important to be aware of that and yeah it's tricky it's tricky. It's tricky to have the conversation with someone because obviously if you're in the throes of passion with a new partner. I know, it sort of kills the vibe a bit, doesn't it? Well, people say it kills the vibe to ask for a condom,

let alone asking if someone's infected with an STI. I know. You know, like that's people, enough people say, oh God, it's so awkward to do the condom fumbling when you're just about to have sex. Worth it. People think it's more awkward to have

the conversation. But yeah, I think, yeah, always have the conversation. Yeah, 100%. It's like when we discussed consent apps way back when and we sort of said, you know, that's got to be to actually get an app out and be like, excuse me, should we just pause for a sec like do you consent to this yeah interestingly actually we should mention consent is the topic for this year's sexual health awareness week each year they

choose a new topic it has a theme yeah so this year the theme is consent what's interesting what do they what do they mean you know what well i think i I think they're just speaking quite generally about... That's quite different issues, to be honest. Yeah, it's obviously not about STIs. I think it's just generally about good practice for a healthy sex life. And I suppose this is more of a psychological and emotional theme than a health and physical theme. And it's very important. And we have spoken about this on the podcast before oh absolutely and like you said consent apps not always the best idea no not the

one not the one consent apps so i think we need to gradually break the stigma which is what we say about so many things we talk about on here female masturbation being single so many stigmas we gotta wear down and we're getting there and you know by talking about it it all helps because it's not something to be ashamed of even if you end up getting an infection because maybe you weren't thinking totally straight and you had unprotected sex like that's the only that's okay that's the only thing you can, you know, in theory, criticize in inverted brackets is that you weren't thinking at the time. It's not that, oh, I slept with so many people and now I've got chlamydia. Like, no, that is not what happened.

You slept with someone who was infected. And also it's worth pointing out that just because you have an sti you might not necessarily pass it on to your partner i've had friends speak to me about this and say that they have um slept with someone who has an sti and not not contracted themselves it doesn't always pass that's interesting yeah and also what it did and also people lie about this kind of thing people bear that in mind yes you can't believe anyone if you if you contract an sti and you think right okay i need to work out who i got this from the people that you ask about it might be so embarrassed because they you know are affected by the stigma of stis

that they will lie to you and tell you that they're clean when they're not because they, you know, are affected by the stigma of STIs, that they will lie to you and tell you that they're clean when they're not. Clean is not the word. Yeah, clean is not the word. Free from STIs, it's like clean eating again, isn't it? Bloody clean eating. So it's like that. But yeah, they might lie. So don't trust anyone.

Yes, absolutely brilliant. Just get tested. It's a lesson to take away from this. Yeah. Don't trust anyone. Basically, as soon's the just get tested that's the lesson to take away from this yeah don't trust anyone basically as soon as you've finished

listening to this podcast go on shl.gov.uk if you live in London yeah if not make an appointment with your local clinic

yes and just get tested just for peace of mind even if you have not had sex for months yeah if you've had sex ever

probably get tested yeah just because it's free and it's better safe than sorry and not just vaginal sex, anal sex oral sex all of the sex we hope you're having all of the sex

all of the safe sex the safe consenting sex the safe consensual sex sexy let's do a dating dilemma. Yes, this is a good one. Okay, thank you very much for sending this in. I will begin.

During my three... Ooh. I don't know why I couldn't say that. Let's do it again. Take two. You got this. You probably got sex on the brain. I do.

I've just got anus on the brain. Okay. During my three years at uni, I never got past the stage of friends with benefits with any guy this is partly due to the fact that i just as many other girls will often go for the bad boy types but i also believe that it does not help that i'm six foot one and not the willowy stature of a supermodel as a girl that men and boys often describe as big it's highly difficult for me to ever date let alone have any chance of ever having a boyfriend

you may find it interesting to know that I get more matches on dating apps if I set my height to below six foot while being above this height the offers seem to decline I've just started working at a temporary job and through a slight miracle I am indeed working with a boy who is six foot five my age and has just graduated as well. I thought that we were getting along great not only as colleagues but that our friendship as well was gradually improving. I thought that instead of jumping into bed with the boy which up until now has been my usual and disastrous way of telling boys that I fancy them which is never a good idea as I always seem to develop feelings I decided I would slowly and gradually improve my friendship with him until

something romantic developed. This was until a disastrous Friday night out last week in which I consumed an excessive quantity of rosé and gin. I only found out at work this morning through a female colleague of mine, bear in mind it was a Monday morning, that upon this excessive consumption of alcohol I decided that it would be a fantastic idea for me to sit on so-called workboy's lap, place my head on his shoulder while flirting horrifically with no recollection of anything that was said. I have no memory of the evening whatsoever, so walked into work this morning happy as Larry.

He obviously now knows about my said crush on him, and we sit together in a very small office for nine hours a day together. I've asked many of my friends and some have recommended apologising for said behaviour while others have said that this would simply bring more attention to something that they think he would have thought it was a drunken mistake. Do I speak to him about the incident or do I play it cool and act as though it never happened? I was really getting my hopes up as well which in all honesty was entirely

ridiculous from my end. Have I ruined any chance for future romance with the boy or do you think there is perhaps a way I can joke about this messy night and salvage something? Any reply would be totally and utterly appreciated as every single boy that I ever seemed to fancy seems to sprint for the hills and I thought that this time I could play it cool but at last it was not to be. I would also be intrigued to hear your thoughts on the issues with an issue of height differences when dating as I know this has really shaped my time in the dating world wow I love this so much there's so much I have to say

oh my god where do I start okay so this is like incredibly relatable to me in that oh it actually in so many ways okay six foot one is a fair amount taller than me I'm five foot nine but I'm still a tall girl and I have always found an issue I relate as well to the fact that I'm not willowy like a supermodel because I'm not skinny I'm like just like a large human and I have struggled with that as well because it's the societal thing about women must be petite and small and cute about women must be petite and small and cute and men must be bigger and so I always feel like I will emasculate guys and actually just last night I was hanging out with my brother and his girlfriend his girlfriend's my

height Freya what up Jamie my brother is six foot four and Jamie was saying to Freya that he loves it when she wears heels and she's like six foot one six foot two and Freya was like oh my god really and I was like yeah I'm always really conscious of wearing heels because then I'm 6'1 6'2 and I'm taller than a lot of boys and even the tall boys I think might think I'm too tall and I remember

a while ago talking to two male friends they were both I think 6'4 and they said to me the tallest they would want a girl to be was 5'8 and I'm in thinking are you kidding me like you are like the tallest of men and you think I'm too tall it's interesting what our listener says about she has more success with smaller guys because it's really interesting as well I have found plenty of guys

who are sort of my height maybe an inch taller than me really attracted to me and really fancy me and I've always thought they would find it emasculating and they would want a really tiny girl but that doesn't seem to be the case and I find it super fascinating that actually sometimes the the smaller guys like tall girls I I don't know I think that's that's really interesting but I get that she was really excited about this guy who was six foot five my friends always tag me in this meme where someone goes do I actually like him or is he just tall because that's literally the story of my life I well we've discussed the stupid height thing before but I can understand why she was so excited about the guy I realize that's not really the whole dilemma she's asking about no I'm glad I mean

that's why I picked this dilemma because I know that this is something that you feel quite strongly about I am strongly I am not I'm not as tall as Rachel I am about five foot I say five foot seven but people tell me it's more like five foot six but I like to think five foot seven um and I I am definitely I haven't noticed it as much from my perspective but I am definitely more attracted to taller guys yeah and and that is a shame because that is something that I have been conditioned to think that men must be taller and stronger than me. But it's definitely true. And I'm fully owning up to that.

However, what this listener's story is about fundamentally is about embarrassing yourself or feeling like you've embarrassed yourself with a crush. Which, oh my God, was literally my entire teenage years with boys. That was all I did. Still kind of my adult years, to be honest. Yeah, I mean, more so, I just used to, I used to get very drunk when I was younger. And, you know, I don't, you know, I don't drink that much now. Yeah, see, this is where we're reversed. Yeah.

I didn't drink at all as a teenager. No, and I drank a lot when I was younger and made some really stupid mistakes and used to black out all the time which just terrified me and I would hate waking up in the morning like I'm sure you did this listener waking up and then hearing someone tell you yeah oh you did you were so funny last night oh my god you did this last night and it just fills you with this awful feeling of dread yeah and guilt and you know it's just it's terrifying because you're like oh god I remember that what else did I say what else did I you know it's just it's terrifying we feel like oh god i remember that what else did i say what else did i do and it's particularly you feel particularly vulnerable in that situation when you're with someone that you fancy particularly if you're with someone who you

fancy who you work with you're gonna see every day um it's a horrible feeling but to be completely honest with you i think in these situations it is best to just own up to it and make a joke out of it. Make fun of yourself, address it early on and move on. That's really interesting because my strategy with this stuff usually is like, ignore, pretend it never happened. No, I think it's such a good sign. Like if the situation was reversed, which it usually wasn't because I was always the one that was drunk,

but if ever it was, if the guy would own up to it and be like, oh my God, I was so drunk. I can't believe I said this. I'm such an idiot. I have a lot of respect for that person because I'm like, yeah, it was funny, but now we can laugh about it.

It puts you back on the same playing field, like on a level playing field. You see what I mean? It's interesting because we don't know how he reacted to it. No, that's true. If he was enjoying it, flirting back. Do you know what? He might be thinking, oh my God, does she remember that?

Because, I mean, here's a funny story. I got very drunk at a work thing a while back. I'm not going to say when because it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter where I was working at the time. Snogged a colleague. Of course I did. And then I was just like, well, there's nothing to say about this. So I'm just not going to say anything about it until months later.

The guy was still friends still friends it was fine the guy was like he brought it up and he was like yeah did you remember that happened and i was like yeah yeah i remembered she didn't have anything to say about it like but he genuinely had wondered whether i'd completely forgotten and just been so drunk i didn't remember because i didn't say anything which made me feel a bit bad i was like yeah no I did remember I was just awkward and had nothing to say so I didn't say anything um yeah I guess what are you gonna say but like so yeah so weakest that happened oh well what you gonna do yeah um yeah so I felt I had nothing to say but it's really difficult because you do actually like him the thing is presumably it's now been some time since this event happened.

Yeah. And you've probably had a few conversations with him. So I think now it's almost too late to be like, I remember that time like a few weeks ago and I was all wasted and I lay down on your lap and was like, I don't know, stroking your beard. Like, don't, I'm not saying you were doing that. But I think maybe Rachel's tactic might be more advisable given the time frame or wait till it's next time in the pub don't get so drunk but when you've got one or two drinks

in you maybe make a joke about it and be like haha i won't sit on your lap this time well sorry about that the other week that's a really good idea do that and let us know how it goes yeah maybe as well play hard to get a bit you know maybe don't put your head on his lap again is that what you're saying i don't think she put her head on his lap i thought it was head on the shoulder but sat on his lap oh i combined the two head on the lap is something no head on the lap is a different thing no don't do that either that's not playing hard to get his lap and place their head on his shoulder but to be honest with you I mean it's so it's so relatable and I'm even sometimes like you know when I have a crush I'm sometimes I sometimes just think well we just need

to go out and get drunk together so then I can flirt and I'll be better at flirting and I can just be like well it was the alcohol exactly always you can blame on the alcohol exactly and I think what you need to do is next time you go for work drinks be chill about it be jokey but then assess the vibe you could try a bit flirty and see if he's game read the verbal and non-verbal cues as i always say but i think ultimately you can still stick to your long game plan which i think is a good plan actually get to know him form the relationship and then what will happen is one time you'll get drunk and snog and then the magic will happen yeah I mean hopefully good luck tell us how it goes please tell us how it goes I mean

workplace romance is messy sometimes but also often brilliant and can be a start of something lovely thank you so much for listening yeah dear listeners thank you so much that is all we have Dear listeners. Thank you so much. That is all we have got time for. Rachel, I'll let you do the honours. Oh, yes, thank you. Well, after last week's shambles at the end of the podcast. Let's stick to the script.

Not going to mess it up again. Rachel, go. Thank you so much for listening, everyone. We really hope you've enjoyed this. We hope you've learned a little bit about STIs and are going to have some good chats about it with your mates now. Go and get tested. If you've enjoyed the podcast,

please subscribe to Millennial Love. Please rate us. Please review us on Apple Podcasts or wherever else you get your podcasts. Yes, and you can also keep sending us your messages. Send us your STI test results if you like.

Yeah. We'll congratulate you or help you point you in the right direction if you need some help and that's not something to be ashamed of I'm going to stop talking now

you can slide into our DMs on Instagram at millennial underscore love or you can send us an email at millennial dot love at independent dot co dot uk yes lovely yes

and it will all be kept anonymous that was the last thing wasn't it yes always do you know why I'm losing the script all of a sudden oh well I think we're just too distracted by

all the fun times yes okay goodbye everyone see you next week bye bye the script all of a sudden? Oh, well, I think we're just too distracted by all the fun times. Yes. Okay, goodbye, everyone. See you next week. Bye! Bye! Bye! Season of chaos and all through the house, not one person was stressing. Holla differently this year with DoorDash.

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