Love Lives - Christmas Special with Charly Cox

Episode Date: December 25, 2020

Merry Christmas!This year has been fairly dismal, to say the least, so we decided to provide some festive cheer by bringing you a special Christmas episode.Olivia is joined by Charly Cox to share listener stories, answer questions, discuss some of their relationship highs and lows from 2020, and look ahead at what the new year may bring for our love lives.Enjoy the show!Follow the show on Instagram at @millennial_loveSupport Millennial Love with a donation today: https://supporter.acast.com/millennialloveSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/millenniallove. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like, and now that's what my grandma's on. Thank God phone a friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Hello and welcome to Millennial Love, a podcast from the Independent on everything to do with love, sexuality, identity and more.

This week we have a very special Christmas episode for you. It's been a strange and difficult year to say the least so to help me provide a bit of festive joy today I am joined by the glorious Charlie Cox. Regular listeners of Millennial Love might remember when Charlie joined us back in May to record a Millennial Love in the time of Corona episode. I've also interviewed her twice before on the show to discuss her excellent poetry collections. She must be mad and validate me. Today we answer some of your questions about relationships and we share some of your excellent stories that you kindly sent in and discuss some of the things that Charlie and I have learned about love this year. I should mention before we get started that there is a discussion in this

episode about sexual assault so please do bear that in mind before you listen. I'll share some support helplines and website at the end of the show. Enjoy! Hi, Charlie! Hello, my darling. How are you? I'm good. Merry Christmas, I should say. Merry Christmas! I'm so happy we got to spend Christmas Day together. I know, isn't it just such a joy? Because that's exactly what we've done. We've spent our Christmas days recording this podcast and released it right away. We are so

selfless that we forgot opening presents and eating turkey and drinking Prosecco and we are in fact holed up in a studio as we speak. Am I right? Yes, with absolutely no Prosecco. For listeners who did not subscribe to Charlie's excellent newsletter during lockdown, first of all you should but second of all would you mind Charlie explaining a bit about what the newsletter was? So at the beginning of lockdown version one I started a newsletter called A Little Coronamance which was effectively me getting my friends to set me up on the most embarrassing challenges to try and find love in a socially distanced way which the first week it involved I got set up on five blind dates on Zoom and house party which were abhorrent frankly what a waste of my time um but they did come out with some really brilliant

brilliant moments one man exited the day to go down to his kitchen perfectly fine thought maybe he was going for a wee and returned with a single slice of ham and ate it. Like just pink, water-fed, cheap ham. That was one of my highlights of your newsletter. There were so many, I had so many questions around that particular act. I mean, I don't know what that says about that person as a human being. Okay, so you're relaunching it. You've relaunched it already you're relaunching it you've relaunched it already now yes it has been relaunched um it took a bit of a it took a bit of a sad turn um in the end

where we came out of lockdown and I thought okay well let's you know I'm I'm gagging to go on a proper date and I did I went on a few proper dates. I hate the fact that we will have to stay socially distanced, of course. I was well within the government guidelines. I would just like to preface with that. I checked and double checked. I definitely was within the guidelines. And I went on a date with a guy on Hinge and I got sexually assaulted. a date with a guy on Hinge and I got sexually assaulted, which wasn't great. It wasn't my favourite thing that's happened to me in the last 12 months. So we've obviously spoken about this together before, but I want to say thank you for speaking

about it publicly because, you know, we both know how common horrifically common these experiences are and I'm sure that a lot of our listeners have experienced unfortunately incidents of sexual assault or something to that effect I mean it's it's an it's a very unfortunate reality of being a woman today um so I want to thank you for speaking about it and you've written about it haven't you in your newsletter thank you my darling yes when I started to write about it I realized and I I think this is probably so devastatingly incredibly common but I realized how much of my young life has been marred by assault um and how often how often it's happened and how often it's happened to my friends and and how we all we all very bravely talk about it in a way that it's almost expected and

and that's really broken my heart and I think it's why it's taken me a bit of time to finally share it, because I just think the reality is so devastating. And I now, I feel as though I'm in a place where I can talk about it. It's not easy. I can hear it in my own voice. I'm shaking. But I think rightly so. I don't think I'll ever get to a place,

and I don't really think I ever want to get to a place where I'm fine with talking about it because it's something that is just so far from being all right that it would almost be ludicrous to expect myself to get to a place of disassociation if that makes any sense it does it does but also it's like you know you shouldn't and this goes for anyone who's experienced any kind of sexual trauma putting pressure on yourself to to get over it or to you know to be okay with it you know it's it's just not something it doesn't it doesn't work like that it's and you know putting those pressures on yourself is obviously only going to make it much more difficult for you to deal with so exactly I think something as well that I've learned so much in the last couple of couple of months is it is very much like grief it's a very it's a very particular kind of grief I think you know you're grieving for the person you were before

it happened you're grieving for a time where you think that perhaps if you'd done something differently maybe it wouldn't have happened to you um but also with grief you don't just forget about the loss of a person one day when you wake up and you're fine about it you you carry it with you forever and I do feel very much like these are experiences that I will carry with me forever but now going to therapy and really really doing some solid work on myself um I'm learning to house it in a different way and learning to look after the body that has to carry that and and that actually feels infinitely more hopeful and I do now feel as though it's it's not going to be the thing that marred my 20s but something that I know now is is unfortunately a part of me but something that I'm absolutely strong enough to hold and and carry forward and and hopefully make

some kind of change and difference it's hard to talk about this eloquently when it's just so shockingly sad well I think you've done an excellent job. We do have some lovely good bits for you. So today we are going to be sharing some stories from our lovely listeners. Charlie and I have spent the last few days crowdsourcing funny stories and questions from all of you about your relationship highs and lows from the last year, and we can't wait to share them. Now, I want to start off by talking about notes. So if you have a smartphone the chances are it will have an app where you can write little notes to yourself. So on an iPhone this is just simply called notes. Now I don't know about you but I write a lot of my deepest and most intimate thoughts in my notes app and they're almost always about relationships.

I actually wrote a piece about this recently and a friend of mine Kate Hutchinson suggested we do a millennial love episode on this very subject because it is such a unanimous thing you know whether you're writing them in your notes or whether you're writing them down in a journal it's it's just these kind of like strange little observations or often it's an unsent text or it's 10 drafts of the same text to someone you fancy anyway on that note charlie and i thought a good place to start this episode would be by reading out some of our own notes uh and then we'll discuss some of the ones that you sent in. So Charlie, now let's remember Charlie is a poet. So her notes are going to be on the poetic, lyrical side.

Would you like to begin by sharing some of your notes? There are some really fabulous ones in here. I don't know how I'm going to pick them. I'll give you some good top lines and then I'll give you the ones that I really think we should go into. First of all, I'd like this on a t-shirt and if I find out that Skinny Dip has taken it,

I would like to claim the intellectual property for this now. Soft boys who aren't make hard girls who are. Ooh, I like that. That was written at 1.34am. That's the best bit about it. It tells you when you write it and they are absolutely no idea um why do men with girlfriends love me that's a note just nothing else on there as well but true a question i will forever wonder i nearly put my back out taking a photo of my

ass for it to look like uncooked ham he still loved it i mean thank god he still loved it why wouldn't he oh my god that's hilarious another cracker um all the witches in the room say yeah throw your brooms up in the air tell your boyfriends they don't care that sounds like the chorus of a taylor swift song i'd say this came off the back of a phone call with my girlfriend laura and we were discussing the fact that we need to reclaim the fact that we are witches and trust our womanly intuition. And we were going to write a banging pop song about it. So that was going to be that. And then here's one that I think you'll like to go into.

This is the last note in my phone. Will Poulter is dot, dot, dot, hot? Question mark. Do you want to explain the last phone note? Yeah. Okay. So, so recently Charlie and I, before we went into tier three and tier two madness,

actually, Charlie and I were having lunch and at the table behind us uh she spotted Will Poulter who is an actor he's been in The Revenant that film with Leonardo DiCaprio where he eats a bear or does something really weird with a bear anyway he's been in other stuff too and uh he was sat on the table behind us and at one point uh through at one point over the lunch Charlie just kind of subtly passed me her phone with that note to be like yeah he's kind of he's kind of hot which is funny because she also then later decided to just start saying out loud that he was hot and bearing in mind we were sat quite close to one another um so i'm pretty sure he heard and then he definitely heard he definitely heard and then charlie had a funny exchange with

the waiter when she asked for um some extra mashed potatoes in fact we'd eaten lunch already but she just wanted some mashed potato and the waiter said they only had chips and then there was this whole strange exchange about how she could mash the potato chips in her mouth and then they would turn into mashed potato or she could just mash them with a fork or the waiter could mash them with a fork anyway unsurprisingly this um quite hilarious exchange caught the attention of will falter who started raising his eyebrows at charlie so i think he probably thinks you're a bit of a potato fiend well if you're listening i'm sure you are I'm sure you're a big fan of the show. I did send you a DM on Instagram to apologise.

I am yet to hear back from you. So it would be great if you could get in touch. Do you want to hear some of my iPhone notes? Yeah, can you save me from that, please? It was all so much better in my head. Why do I fall for it every time? Why do we attach so much shame to caring i think i made you up inside my head that's a quote from a sylvia plath poem

he could say one thing that would fuck me up for years violet bomb it's a short summary of my innermost innermost thoughts there should we do a quick quick fire i've got i think we're two broken pringles at the bottom of the tube hiding from a hand that's too big to reach us tessellating for safety all salty oh no here's an unsent text which I really wish I had sent you were the only constant in my life that made me feel beautiful and more than a girl that wasn't who wasn't fancied you made me feel confident in knowing that connection goes so much deeper than that and I've worked so hard this year particularly to like the way I look to feel headstrong in my worth as a woman I really thought I meant something

to you but you've just proved I didn't the funny thing with the unsent texts is that often I don't know if this is the same for you but the general theme for me is they're confrontational. Yes, always. Always. And they're calling someone out on their behavior. But then, and so you tend to write them in a moment when you're feeling really impassioned and you're like, yeah, you know what? I'm a strong, independent woman.

I'm going to call this person out on their bullshit and explain exactly how they wronged me. And then obviously you never send it because I don't know about you, but I sometimes write these at like three o'clock in the morning or when I'm drunk. And, and then somehow a voice of reason in the back of my head tells me, do not send this text. I think as well, it's learning the difference of sometimes it's so incredibly important to call someone out on their bullshit and go do you know what you're wrong um other times you have to weigh up in your head do you actually need to hear that apology from them and do you need them to know that they've hurt you or do you need to just accept

within yourself that this is something you don't like, you won't put up with, and therefore you will no longer entertain? And I think that's why notes are so perfect. It's because once you've got it out, you can go, do I need to hear your sorry? Or do I just need to know I can move on from this? That is such a good point. I think another thing to remember is, you know, how, how valid is your confrontational text to the other person? Like, are they, are they really going to read that and take you seriously? Because chances are, if they're a dick or if they're an arsehole, if they've behaved like any other swear word, then they're going to see that text and just be like, they're going to use it as

ammunition. They'll use it as ammunition. They'll use it as ammunition. They'll tell their friends, you're crazy bitch. They'll be like, Oh, look at what this girl sent to me. You know,

it's, and even if they don't do something as cruel as that, chances are they're not going to respond in the way that you want them to. And that will only lead to more disappointment. So it's probably worth just using it as a cathartic exercise and writing it down in your notes, getting it out there, send it to your friends, send it to me or Charlie,

and then move on. We love them. Okay, here's one you'll love. What is a sauce but a slime with purpose? There's a Christmas riddle for you listeners. If you have any ideas about what Charlie's 4am brain was talking about, please let us know.

If you have any ideas about what Charlie's 4am brain was talking about, please let us know. Breaking news happens anywhere, anytime. Police have warned the protesters repeatedly, get back. CBC News brings the story to you as it happens. Hundreds of wildfires are burning. Be the first to know what's going on and what that means for you and for Canadians. This situation has changed very quickly. Helping make sense of the world when it matters most. Stay in the know.

CBC News. Twas the season of chaos and all through the house, not one person was stressing. Holla differently this year with doordash don't want to holla do the most holla don't more festive less frantic get deals for every occasion with doordash okay do you want to hear some from our listeners yes please these are um these are quite lengthy actually and our first one one is going to be told by voice note. So this is from a listener called Lily. That's not her real name.

And you'll understand why once I share the story. So she broke up with her boyfriend four years ago after she found out that he had cheated on her while he was drunk at a work drinks with one of his colleagues. Oh the worst, the worst, not even with someone he really fancied. So what did she do? She wrote a note to the CEO of his company where he works to tell him about how it reflected the company's drinking ethos. She said she never sent it but she felt so much better for writing it down. Here isly in her own voice reading reading the letter to the ceo of the company that she never

sent this is so bad dear mr elliott i hope this email finds you well whilst i'm sure this is highly inappropriate i hope that it can have some effect i'm emailing you in regards to x and y i've been in a relationship with okay I'm just gonna say the name for four years now I found out that I've been having a relationship behind my back for the last four months while this is entirely personal I write this email in regards to morals and working environments I've kept this as a secret for many months but the running of this particular team of people seem to enable this development to occur they have regular wild ones on Friday nights with an abundance of alcohol and drugs and it is often in public which i have seen photo evidence of i know this is a personal matter but as this is something going on at

i felt i should send this i don't believe this can be the ethos or type of employee that such a company can wish to have representing you yours sincerely uh that was a great story thank you lily brilliant uh now we have got one from from another listener who asked for their pseudonym to be Sylvia, which I'm thinking is a reference to Sylvia Plath. Absolute Plathism right there. Yeah. So she said, obviously quarantine has made us all rethink past relationships and especially the could have beens. The Taylor Swift album released today has completely broken me and I've been a mess. I've recently got back in touch with a guy from uni

who lives in London and I currently don't. We both liked each other and were so awkward and mistimed everything. So then she just basically writes down what happened and how she got to this place with this guy. There's something so innocent about getting the timing wrong, brackets, both accounts. If it happens, it happens. I'm open open to it but you have to give it its own room brackets mentally of course i'm not in london we obviously both care a little bit it's okay if it didn't work i wasn't ready it's okay if this is all in your head but i don't think it is for a second now it's that last line that really struck me and I wanted to talk about because not only does it have parallels with almost all of the notes that I write which is

trying to work out whether or not the things that I think are going on with a person are actually going on or if they're all in my head um and I just think that's such a common experience isn't it you're just constantly questioning whether or not your feelings are valid in the early stages of a relationship and whether your kind of anxieties and your concerns are valid sometimes it might be that you know you had like a fling with someone and you know like we were talking about earlier to you it might mean a lot but then you're constantly wondering what was that did that mean anything to the other person if they could just throw me away like that and if it's you know if it doesn't develop into a relationship that doesn't mean that you can't still have a really meaningful experience with

someone it's quite heartbreaking isn't it that we have to we have to do that working out in secret and privately um and that we're so fearful of having having an open conversation with the person that you're writing those notes about i do it too like well in fact that's 100 why i'm a poet uh is because 100% why I'm a poet is because I spend my entire life trying to work out if I've totally imagined a situation worthy of feelings or if it did actually happen I really don't like it and I'm actively trying not to do that anymore where if I I don't want to live my life through confirmation bias of you know if you feel something then you think it to be true. And I think the best way that we can all get out of that and ultimately live freer, happier, more with,

and with more fulfilling relationships is to be honest and open with the person that you're dating and say, look, I think this is going on. What do you think is going on? And if they are, A, freaked out and jarred by that conversation, take that as the biggest red flag of, if they're scared about talking about this, then it's probably because they have things that you don't want to hear to say. That is so difficult, though,

just because when you are in the early stages of dating someone everything you don't want to rush it you don't want to rush it but also you want to maintain a modicum of ambiguity in order for it to still be exciting you know like we can't yeah that is a really like crucial part of dating if you as you know it's all very well and good to be like let's have everything on the table and be like i like you I don't like you whatever but that's not sexy you know it's not sexy but it is so much more like for me personally I think it's so much more fulfilling we are all really complex human beings and individuals and we all come with our own different sizes and weights of baggage and and how those then weigh up our own expectations and

what we're ready for or what we're not ready for and I do think that there there is a way to explore those in a way that still is sexy there is plenty to be said and plenty of sexiness to be found in vulnerability and I don't think I've I ever fancy someone as much as I do in the early stages as that first moment when they've been really honest that for me is when my brain goes from I quite like this person to oh my god we're getting married I just it's so funny I've just I've really only ever had one experience like that where someone was really upfront and honest with me and then I ended up going out with them so but other than that well there we go my point is proven well exactly no you're right you're

right it's just it's interesting I think it's hard it's really hard I was actually talking to a friend about this the other day and he was saying how you you know, if he's straight, he was saying if a girl isn't upfront with me or if she's not, if she's like playing games with me, I just know now that it means she's not interested or it means that she hasn't decided whether or not she's interested in me yet. And I think that's where it lies I think it's if you're playing games with someone and you're kind of keeping up the ambiguity on purpose like beyond you know two or three dates beyond the point where it's like necessary it's because you're trying to figure out whether or not you like that person or yeah you're you just don't work out if it's worth the sacrifice

of potentially being hurt okay I've got one more note from a listener i started sleeping with my housemate during lockdown and wrote in my notes a guide to sleeping with your housemate boundaries this is the full title this is the full title boundaries negotiation and communication brilliant a guide to sleeping with your housemate by alex okay so there are three chapters i'm just going to quickly rattle through them uh chapter one understanding illusions working out what is real and what is made up narrative from the inside of your mind is key not to cracking out see this is coming up a lot it will be tempting to interpret your housemate's behavior in the absence of clarity in these instances your own behaviour may also be influenced as a response to such situations.

Examples of these behaviours include, one, wearing mascara to watch TV, or a sudden and unprecedented interest in current affairs. Interesting. In order to gain clarity, one must be clear and open in order to establish a sense of mutual security. Correct. Examples include saying out loud that you would find it strange to come home and find your housemate in your bed. Or saying out loud that you feel it unfair that you have provided two hot meals two nights in a row and that you're not a fucking wife. And maybe you should suck your own dick from now on.

and that you're not a fucking wife. And maybe you should suck your own dick from now on. Actually, I probably should have read this before I started reading it aloud. Can we get Alex a book deal? Stat. I just love how eloquent it is and how formal it is. It's perfect.

That's why the suck your own dick line really stands out and packs a punch. Did something for me. Okay, right. Chapter two, telling people and an awareness of others. That's the title of the chapter. An awareness of the change in atmosphere in communal living spaces is advised. In the build up to the climax of weeks of oxytocin driven amorous behavior,

it is inevitable that others may also be affected. Examples of such behaviors include closeness in shared living areas, a newly found shared interest in late-night TV. This state of arousal may leave you blind or immune to the reactions of other occupants you cohabit with. Such feelings may vary from indifference to repulsion. Do you interpret disdain correctly? Pay attention to non-verbal cues examples being occupants leaving the kitchen when you walk in or or exaggerated eye rolling when you walk into a room or loudly placing crockery into the sink causing unnecessary and loud clattering.

I mean, this is a masterclass in passive aggression. It's great. I love this so much. Consider your environment, but be aware of the basic human need for shelter. Be advised that if your dwellings are comfortable and reasonable, engaging in sex with your housemate may jeopardise this for one or both of you. Chapter three, understanding the phases of the situation ship. Pocahontas said that you cannot step into the same river twice. She said the water is always changing, always flowing. This principle of change can be obliged to the situation between you and your housemate as

much as any relationship. Nothing stays the same. It's likely that the fever-like hotness you feel for one another will be replaced by feelings much milder and calmer. Examples of behaviour associated with this phase include not giving a shit that you stink whilst you sit in your pants watching TV, or paying less attention to a story about their day. But unlike the river, there may be waves where you both experience a surge of electricity and once more the excitement returns. But unlike the river, there may be waves where you both experience a surge of electricity and once more the excitement returns. But waves and rivers are rare, freaks of nature and should not be interpreted as permanent things to come. Each encounter must be merited as its own entity. This phase can be uncomfortable as you both adjust to the change of climate.

can be uncomfortable as you both adjust to the change of climate. Life will be awkward. This phase will make it hard for you to know how you feel. Questions to ask oneself include is this situationship making me feel like shit or would I rather just be held while being read to rather than getting fingered in the bathroom? The answers to these questions will signpost your next move. And that's all we've got from Alex. Oh, Alex. It's so profound. But also, I do actually think that that closing question of

is what I'm looking for being held whilst being read to, or am I looking to be fingered in the bathroom? Arguably, I think we're both looking for both. I don't know who I'm referring to there we're all looking for both I think we're all looking for both it's that it's that it's that kind of you know you want that dichotomy of something that's warm and comforting but also like fun and hot still like you know however many years in you know people say oh you know and no one ever has sex when they get married absolute bollocks you're in a good relationship you have sex when you're married so i got a question through on instagram from a listener

saying how can one meet a dude who isn't a moron when they all seem to be morons there's a very eloquently put question um well i think it's very difficult to find uh people who are not morons in this world um and by that i just mean if you're going on dating apps to find people to date i strongly believe that is luck of the draw if you meet someone that is right for you on a dating app. I think the system is against you. And I think you just can't trust the people that you meet on apps because you have no idea how many other people they're talking to,

how many other people they're dating, whether they just got out of a serious relationship, what they're looking for, unless you ask them these questions but you know people lie to get what they want so you know there are obviously anomalies and I know lots of people who are in very happy healthy long-lasting relationships after having met on an app but I would say when you look at the ratio of the amount of people that use dating apps and then the amount of people that have actually found long-lasting love on them it's probably not great um do you know what i think is incredibly underrated asking your friends

if they've got any single friends they'd want to set you up with yes i agree i think that is also great but also expanding that to be like friends partners friends or friends colleagues like all those other little circles are really great resources for potential flames i think it's great because a whoever they do set you up with already has an invested interest in not being horrible to you because it will get back to people they care about it's a sad state of affairs that we have to yeah insurance exactly but that's the thing about dating apps isn't it people behave callously because they can do so without consequences because often there are no mutual friends or anything whereas like you said if there is something to bind you to that person you're

probably going to be a bit nicer to them exactly and it's more likely that you're going to have more in common than wanting louis through and david assenborough at your dinner party which of which they're absolutely not available for because there are 9 000 other people's dinner parties on hinge and it you know it's actually really lovely it's it's a really good test of friendship and you quite often hear compliments from friends that you wouldn't ordinarily get out of them where they will start to list the qualities of said other friend that they want to set you up with and why they think you're suitable so they'll say things like oh I should introduce you to Tom because Tom is really funny and he's emotionally intelligent and he's so well

read and immediately I'm like oh you think I'm funny and emotionally intelligent and well read that's lovely um I just think all around it's a it's a great experience ask your friends if they know any single friends and if they don't then widen the pool to colleagues and friends partners I think that's that's what we need to go back to I've got a good question here how do you get over someone you broke up with I've only ever experienced this once and it is hard I think it I think it's hard mostly because you don't think it should be hard I think it's also hard because you you obviously you're like well this is something I wanted I'm not allowed to then miss that person and I'm not allowed to feel sad about

it and there's that constant kind of questioning in the back of your head or if I feel have I made the right decision how much of this is just a normal part of breaking up with someone you know regardless of whose decision it was losing someone you've been that close with is going to be incredibly hard and in many ways it's like grieving you know it's like it's like mourning the death of someone because whether or not that person is still in your life they'll never be in your life in the same way that they once were you'll never know them in the way that you once did so it's incredibly difficult and the added layer is then that kind of other question like have I made a mistake um and it it's it's really difficult to know it's I think I think what you just said is right I think

giving yourself the agency to remember that it is a breakup it doesn't matter who's done it it's still a breakup so it's still going to stir the worst most uncomfortable feelings of missing someone and familiarity and safeness and closeness and all those things you know have just been cut away from you so of course you are going to feel horrendous um it's it's physically like drug withdrawal but also it's a really perfect it's a great excuse actually to write down and really re-familiarize yourself with all of the traits and qualities that you own yourself and that you give to yourself on a regular basis start dating yourself again it's it's something that you don't you don't ever have really time to do when you're in a relationship but I broke up with someone a couple of years ago and I also felt that insane guilt of I am

the perpetrator here so why am I feeling sorry for myself why do I feel so sad and I really had to sit and make a list of things of these are the reasons why I did it and the fact that I have allowed myself to be on my own because that person wasn't suitable for me makes me incredibly resilient and then almost spider off that and go okay and it also means that I like myself okay why do I like myself you know really deep dive into your own psyche of why you've chosen to break up with them and then add positive affirmations after each piece you don't break up with someone for the sake and the thrill of it absolutely not you break up because you know something is missing or something is wrong or you have done something wrong or yeah I think it's a natural human instinct to question yourself

when you make such a big decision like that but I do not think you're worthy of making big decisions in your own life and you absolutely are you are and also trust your instinct you know like Charlie said if you have made the decision and you've taken the leap to break up with someone chances are you did it for a reason and you know in the wake of a breakup it's it's natural to just romanticize the relationship and just think about the good parts and create this false picture of your ex-partner and just like kind of cherry pick parts of their personality that you loved about them and kind of wipe out all of the bad stuff because your brain like it's like a form of self

harm it's like it wants you to just focus on the good bits so that you don't get over them um that's a great piece of advice actually go and re-watch 500 days of summer yes oh that's a great film that is a great film great soundtrack you need 500 days of summer and then you need angus songs and perfect snogging also also a great film also with a great soundtrack really great soundtrack okay here's another one that actually i have never i don't think i've ever experienced this how do you deal with realizing that you are a rebound is it is it just a matter of timing as in like that you realize that they were in a relationship not long ago or is it that they frequently talk about their ex frequently talking about their ex still having valentine's day cards or photo booth photos uh on display in their bedroom um that's weird that's really weird

i've dated some really awful human beings if you but if they knew you were coming around as well why would they leave that out i think it's to signal to you that you are the rebound i think mentioning x is in any capacity where you can tell that they are not removed from that and you can tell i'm not going to teach you how to suck ex. You just know. You just know when somebody's talking about someone wistfully or when somebody is mentioning them in passing. Now it is time for a very special edition of Lessons in Love. Normally, this is the part of the show where I ask guests to share something that they've learned from their previous relationships.

This time, I'm going to ask Charlie to share one thing that she's learned about love this year. And then I'm going to ask Charlie to share one thing that she's learned about love this year and then I'm going to do the same. Charlie why don't you start us off? I have never been more impressed and proud of myself for learning the importance of implementing boundaries and proving to myself that I am capable of doing so with success and effect. I had a rubbish no good experience of summer and have since gone back to therapy because of it. The main thing within that that I had learned is that wow how many times previous to this year in fact how many times in my adult dating life had I gone to utter a boundary gone to utter something that was so crucially important to

me to be respected and then chose not to out of fear of sounding difficult or pathetic or needy the amount of times I've sort of laid that down and not asked for what I needed as well as what I wanted and then had to deal with the comeuppance of that which is ultimately a situation in which you do not deserve. I have recently started dating again. I'm currently in a really pleasant, pleasant sounds a bit naff doesn't it, I'm in a very whitewashed situation, I'm in a really thriving, fabulous, exciting, great situation because I'm now so acutely aware of how important it is to put boundaries in place, This is where I'm at mentally at the moment. This is what I'm after. And if you're not capable of fulfilling that, that's so fine. But then this isn't for me.

That is such brilliant advice. And I think being able to recognise what your boundaries are and what is good for you and what isn't, the earlier the better. And you will just only go on to have healthier relationships as a result of that and it's scary it's so so scary to do that because it's so vulnerable and it does put you in a really vulnerable position because you are effectively just shouting at someone i really like you but after the year that we have all had and i think we are all learning to appreciate the sanctity of life a little bit more than we ever have done before there ain't nothing wrong with screaming at someone

I really like you and seeing how they respond because if they say that's nice but I don't know if I really like you you're a winner because you're not going to endure a rubbish situation and you've given a compliment and if they turn around and say yeah do you know what I really like you and I really respect your boundaries wonderful I'll buy a hat I'll buy a hat okay that is an excellent that is an excellent lesson and actually how about you Libby P okay so you know it's really funny because I used to talk about my own life on this show all the time that was kind of how it started off and now I don't really do that so much anymore but I thought for this yeah but I thought for this special special episode um I will talk a little bit about my

lesson which is that I thought I knew what I wanted and I thought I knew uh I thought I had this love stuff a bit more sorted than um than I did uh when I was younger I thought I'd learned a lot and I thought I'm kind of I became more confident I I wasn't going to take any bullshit but then in the summer I made some really bad decisions in my own uh love life I was single for a short period of time and I thought I knew what I wanted but I was completely wrong I um I wound up doing things chasing after people who were quite clearly not interested in me uh and I don't even know if I was that interested in um and I just think it's very easy to convince yourself that you've got your shit together and then something really seismic like a pandemic happens and stuff happened that you didn't think would and I know I'm talking in ambiguities but you know I've got a book out so

you can read that if you want more details I don't I don't think it's ambiguous I think you can you everyone can read between the lines of that situation because we've all very much sat in between those lines exactly and you know what dating is in between the lines and I just think basically my lesson is remember you are always learning and you know as helpful as this segment is the point I want to drive home is that you can never stop learning things about yourself when it comes to love and about you know the kind of person you want to be in a relationship and the kind of decisions you make the kind of things you decide you you know you can say to yourself I will never be the kind of person that does that and then there you are a few years later and you're in that situation you

know it's very easy to judge other people until you're in that situation yourself so my point is always be open to learning things and don't chastise yourself when you realize you've done things you never thought you would. Because I think that happens to everyone. That's it for today. Thank you so much for listening. If you've been affected by any of the discussions in this episode, please do visit rapecrisis.org.uk or get in touch via their helpline at 0808 802 9999. If you're a new listener to Millennial Love, you can subscribe to us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Acast, or anywhere else. You can comment

and leave us a rating too so that more people can find us. Keep up to date with everything to do with the show on Instagram. Just search Millennial Love. See you soon. Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no, that's what my grandma's on.

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