Love Lives - Ella Eyre on dating and friendships

Episode Date: March 13, 2020

On Millennial Love this week Olivia is joined by singer Ella Eyre to discuss how to balance your dating life and your friends.The pair, who have been pals for more than a decade, dive into what it's l...ike when one of your friends gets into a serious relationship and talk about dating within a friendship group.They also reminisce about old school times, over several of Olivia's favourite rich tea biscuits, and dig up old memories of stealing boyfriends off one another.As always you can keep up to date with everything to do with the show on Instagram @millennial_love. If you're a new listener please remember to subscribe and leave us a comment, preferably a nice one!Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/millenniallove. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like, and now that's what my grandma's on. Thank God phone a friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetise their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com I can't stop eating this biscuit.
Starting point is 00:00:54 They were a bad idea, I could tell. You went straight, you've had three, I've had zero. Why have you not had any? Because I'm conscious of the fact that I'm a very noisy eater, particularly next to a microphone. God, clearly I've zero fucks given over here. You can be in your drawer, on your desk. Hello and welcome to Millennial Love, the independence podcast on everything to do with sexuality, relationships, identity and more.
Starting point is 00:01:20 This week I am joined by the singer Ella Eyre to discuss female friendship and dating. Enjoy the show! Hi Ella! Hi. How are you doing? I'm alright, thank you. This is weird. I know, it's quite weird. Why is it weird? Because I've known you for half my life. Is it really half my life? About that, No, probably not. No, wait. So. Exaggerating. 13 years? Yeah, about that. About that. That's half my life. Yeah. That is half our life. Yeah. Actually half our lives. Yeah, wow. Why don't you tell the listeners how we know each other? So, Olivia and I, we went to school together years and years and years ago. That's how we met. And we weren't traditionally friends, were
Starting point is 00:02:03 we? No, we weren't friends. We went to prep school together when we were 12, 13, and we were not friends at all. We actually also dated the same guy at prep school. Dated? Or did I date him and you wish? Okay, okay, okay. Hold on.
Starting point is 00:02:22 I can't remember who dated... Wait, which one are we talking about? Okay, Tom. Tom Bellack. Oh, God, yeah, that one. Yeah. which one are we talking about? Okay, Tom. Tom Bellack. Oh, God, yeah, that one. Yeah. Yeah. So we were 12, 13? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:02:30 I can't remember who dated him first. And when we say dated at prep school, we were like 12 years old. You like hold that hand. Yeah, like kissing against the locker every now and again. Yeah, that kind of thing. And then he dumped me via voicemail. I actually can't remember how I got dumped. Did he dump you as well?
Starting point is 00:02:44 Do you know what? Embarrassingly, I don't think I ever did actually date Tom Bellack. You just kind of... I think I just had an infatuation with him that I made up in my brain. No, you guys did definitely hook up a few times as far as 12-year-olds can hook up. I remember. You did. But I don't remember who did it first. Anyway.
Starting point is 00:03:01 So memorable. So memorable. The point of the story is, yes yes we were not really friends back then and then we were put into the same boarding house when we were 13 and formed a strong friendship mainly over our shared love of sims yeah that's true and also i did lie and said i didn't pick up biscuits but um well my memory of livy when we finally ended up being in the same house was that she didn't really eat very much except rich tea biscuits. And I thought, seeing as we're getting all nostalgic,
Starting point is 00:03:30 I bought a full pack of rich tea biscuits for us to tuck into. I can't believe you. To discuss relationships and boys like we always do. Yeah. Well, let's tuck into the rich tea biscuits. I haven't had one of these in a very long time. They're disgusting, that's why. They are not disgusting. They're's why. They are not disgusting.
Starting point is 00:03:45 They're so bland. They are so good. Of all the biscuits, I was going to pick up Jammy Dodgers, but I couldn't find them. No, I don't like Jammy Dodgers. These are the tits.
Starting point is 00:03:52 Okay, good. I'm going to open them and try not to make too much noise. We can edit that out. Dating at school was very strange. Yes, it was. If you don't mind,
Starting point is 00:04:00 we were 12, 13. It was very intense considering how young we were. And like we just said, we both kind of dated the same guy when we were 12 13 it was very intense yeah considering how young we were and like we just said we both kind of dated the same guy when we were 12 not normal for people to really have boyfriends when you're that age is it I don't know I think um I at that age you're sort of getting used to the idea of what relationships are and you're learning what they are. Like, especially because we grew up with our parents and stuff and not everybody's situations are ideal.
Starting point is 00:04:30 But I think, particularly at boarding school, there was this, like, weird, I don't know, maybe it was just me, but there was this weird, like, thing of, like, finding the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with. It was like a competition as to... I think it's because it was
Starting point is 00:04:44 a very traditional environment. Yes. Which I think was really alien to both of us like that school is in somerset and it's a very traditional boarding school and a lot of the people who we were at school with come from very kind of like classic nuclear families yeah they ride horses their parents are together they have you know two or three siblings they live in a big house in the countryside yeah and for you and i that just wasn't the case we were the city kids from broken homes yeah raised by single mums which is in no way a bad thing no but it it completely shapes I think your view of relationships even at a very young age yeah true because I didn't really date anyone properly when I was at school. But there was one boy when we were 14, 15, who I was really good friends with.
Starting point is 00:05:30 And I have to be careful because he's probably listening to this or will listen to this. Way down. And I was completely obsessed by him. And he was probably the first guy that I ever had feelings for. We were very good friends and we got really close really quickly. And then what happened, Ella? And Ella, bearing in mind, my best mate at school.
Starting point is 00:05:52 Ella, what happened then? I went on a quest to become his friend to try and get him to date you. And what really happened was I ended up dating him instead. Don't ever let your friends do that, guys. It doesn't work. It was a weird time. It was a weird time. I think that's exactly why relationships in school are really odd.
Starting point is 00:06:17 I mean, to be honest, you took it rather well. We're two very different people, because I think my reaction would have been very different i mean i'm chewing a biscuit as i say this um i took it well because because a few months later i became infatuated with someone else i think the thing is that we took away from boarding school and school in general is that like relationships are actually well not relationships school is quite an incestuous place for relationships because the same guy that we're talking about now is now dating one of our friends so it's just like it's a long it's a long ending never-ending
Starting point is 00:06:56 cycle of people dating the same people how do you think though the way that the way that we spoke about dating at school and the way that it was so incestuous? How do you think that has kind of shaped your approach today? Or do you think or do you think it's not really something you can consider now? I think I put a lot less pressure on myself than I used to because I think I think also because I didn't necessarily come from parents that were together I think I became obsessed with wanting to find something that I didn't come from if you know what I mean like that ideal like finding the guy you're gonna have kids with and spend the rest of your life with and I think that nowadays over the years I learned that that's not necessarily what I should have been focusing
Starting point is 00:07:42 on at such a young age particularly at school because school is actually quite fun and there's a lot more things we could have been doing than like chasing boys around but at the time it felt like that was the point it felt like it was all consuming yeah I think particularly because we were at school in the countryside and there just wasn't that much else to do very that's exactly it, yeah. And then all the after-school activities would be chosen around which boy you fancied was doing it. And, like, I know my French class revolved around one of the guys that I liked a lot. I can't remember who that was.
Starting point is 00:08:18 I don't remember a single French word from that class. But I remember all the fun things I used to do in that class instead I was the class clown for that reason but do you think do you think the relationships that we had in school uh like do you think they're valid relationships or do you think so much of it was just based on like looking to have someone so that you could have someone to talk about and have someone to be like oh yeah this is the guy I'm seeing. I don't know. I think it differs depending on the person because for me, I've always got on really well with boys anyway.
Starting point is 00:08:52 So I'd always, and still to this day, I find myself dating my friends. I wanted to ask you about that. Yeah, like the guy I'm with now, and I've been with for three years, I knew him for four years before we even considered each other as an option. And I think that was the same for me at school.
Starting point is 00:09:07 I became matey with other boys and then we discovered we fancied each other and then it sort of blossomed in that way. And I think it's a great way to know whether you actually like the person in the first place. Then I guess you find out more about them when you actually date. Yeah, but I think it's a much more natural way
Starting point is 00:09:25 to start dating someone, isn't it, if you're already friends, because then you already have that basis. I think the problem with people looking for love today is that a lot of the time it is inauthentic because it starts on a dating app and you're never gonna be friends with someone. But it's also really exciting.
Starting point is 00:09:41 I feel like in some ways I will miss out on that because being on a dating app is probably never going to happen for me. And meeting somebody random is probably never going to happen for me because I'm so in love and I'm never breaking up with my boyfriend now, she says. Who knows? But right now in my brain like the idea of of meeting somebody and going on a blind date um could be quite fun but I've heard it's quite depressing
Starting point is 00:10:11 I it's very depressing I never had to do that I mean it it leads to lots of very funny stories to talk about with your friends but it and you know occasionally you can get lucky we've got friends who have been in long-term relationships after having met on dating apps. Yeah. But I do think that they are in a minority of people. I think a lot of the time the people who meet on dating apps, they have to get over that initial kind of hurdle of this is how we met.
Starting point is 00:10:39 And it's like there's this kind of level of artifice. See, I've never been on a first date with someone I don't know. That's so weird. Never. And I think as much as I think I would hate it, I'd also find it really interesting. But isn't it still a first date if it's the first time that you're going, you're meeting someone, you know, for dinner or whatever,
Starting point is 00:11:01 within a romantic context? Or have you never even had that where you both know that you're meeting and it's more than just a friendly hangout? No, it's never usually dinner, Libby. You make me sound so naive. But I mean, I guess that was, like I said, a lot of the people that I've ended up dating have been my friends.
Starting point is 00:11:20 So when we're meeting for the first time in a romantic sense, the ice has already been broken as such. That's the thing that's difficult with online dating is that you have to break the ice. Yeah. Because you never really do when you're talking to someone online. You can think you do, but then when you meet in person,
Starting point is 00:11:37 it's all over again. Yeah. This has never been a problem for us, but what do you think you should do if your friend is dating someone that you don't like or don't approve of? Are you joking me? This has never been a problem for us.
Starting point is 00:11:51 Wait, who have I dated that you haven't liked? Oh, I mean, oh, you mean between us? Yeah, no, I mean, no. Obviously, we know people whose partners we don't like. I was going to say. I mean, between you and I. I've never disliked anyone that you've dated and you've never disliked anyone I've dated. and you've never disliked anyone I've dated.
Starting point is 00:12:05 And if you have disliked them, I've disliked them as well. I'm disappointed in you for not disliking some of my previous places. Okay, no, I didn't love some of them. But what do you think you do in that situation? In that situation, I'm always savage. Don't you remember that on the WhatsApp groups that we have when we're all openly discussing a certain situation that somebody might be in I'm always the friend that goes a bit far like with the honesty yeah but that I think is very helpful because people sometimes need a
Starting point is 00:12:36 combination of advice you know you need someone who's going to give you the hard love which is what you would do yeah and then you probably need someone like me who is going to be a little bit softer and probably not as probably a little more scared to be so yeah I think I think also the downside of that and I've learned this over the years so I tried to be as diplomatic as possible but the downside of that is that then actually your friends probably don't end up telling you everything all the time and I've learned that in my own relationships too because I think there's a danger when you when you're having a bit of a rubbish day with the person you're with and it's not gonna define your relationship
Starting point is 00:13:10 but you've moaned to your friends or whatever about it. The more you moan, the more they get a bad image of that person that you're dating in their brain and then it's hard to sort of undo that once you've done it so much. So I think it's kind of like striking the balance between between like trying to understand where they're coming from and knowing that you've been that person that can't see how terrible the situation is but then also being like you know
Starting point is 00:13:37 what um I think you really need to cut loose we're so young as well I know it's almost like if you see someone going through that we're we're 26 well nearly 26 it's like life's too short to be stuck in a rut in a bad relationship but at the same time I know what you mean we have to take everything our friends tell us with a pinch of salt because I think a lot of the time when friends are talking to when especially female friends talking to each other about their relationships and their love lives, they tend to only share the negative things. Yeah. And like you said.
Starting point is 00:14:10 So true. Yeah, and like you said, it then paints a negative picture, which can then be really difficult to get over. And I know that I've experienced this in the past when I've dated people and I have maybe bitched about them quite a lot and then not said any of the good things. And then when I'm going through a good patch with that person, it's then quite hard to talk about it
Starting point is 00:14:29 because then your friends kind of only expect you to say bad things. And I think also there's a danger of it sounding like you're trying to cover your tracks. Exactly, like you're trying to make up excuses for them. And then again, like, you know, as a friend, and if you're quite protective, which you know, obviously you are, you'd...
Starting point is 00:14:45 Fiercely. Yeah, then you would be like, oh, she's completely in denial about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it's even more frustrating. It's so difficult to advise a friend about their love life. I think, yeah, and it's also just really hard to understand and grasp the balance of when is too much
Starting point is 00:15:03 and how much longer are you willing to put up with like when when the when the bad days outweigh the good uh how how many days is is it that you're gonna yeah finally cut the cord i'd say if you were experiencing 70 bad days 30 good days probably need to take a long look at your relationship and realise and try and work out if this is the right person for you. Yeah, I mean, and that might be defined by something that they're going through, like a patch, whether it's to do with work or, like, life stresses. But I think you learn a lot about each other during those times
Starting point is 00:15:41 and if neither of you are very good at coping with them, you're probably not meant for each other. But it's really hard to tell a friend that when they're making excuses or not. I don't know. It's tough. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Crukshank,
Starting point is 00:16:08 and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture, but when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy.
Starting point is 00:16:17 You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a twe. I didn't even know what thirsty meant until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween.
Starting point is 00:16:27 Facebook is like a no, that's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. Do you think there are certain things about our relationships that we should never share with friends? Um...
Starting point is 00:16:59 No. I think you should be able to tell your friends everything. Yeah, I kind of agree. I don't think there's anything that you shouldn't, that should be off limits. Yeah. If you want to talk about it. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:10 Because so often if you're experiencing problems in your relationship, talking to your friends will help you understand like how to rationalise those problems in your own head, I think, even if the friend is just listening and not imposing any opinion. Yeah. Do you know what I find really interesting is that when you start dating,
Starting point is 00:17:29 well, not start, when you've been dating somebody for quite a long time, when you first start dating, you talk about how great the sex is and, like, all the details and, like, as soon as it gets to, like, you know, the year mark or whatever, you don't really discuss those things as much and then you just assume that like you know their sex life is great yeah and then you find out later down the line that like it's not happening at all and I feel like that's the kind of conversation that I feel like we should try and have more often with our friends so that we're all checking in and making sure they're getting enough orgasms absolutely it's so funny it's not something
Starting point is 00:18:04 we talk about at all. Like Ella and I are in various WhatsApp groups together, one of which, can we say the name? Go on. It's called Cock Warriors. Again, the name is not something that we made up. It's completely irrelevant as well. Yeah, it's completely irrelevant.
Starting point is 00:18:18 It was one of Ella's ex-boyfriends. It was. It was very, very, very creative. Came up with the idea for the name. It originally started as a group for us to plan plan a dinner or something and the group was completely random we just picked you know who we knew was around that night yeah there's only five of us in the group and and then ella's boyfriend at the time just decided that this is what we should name the group yeah anyway my point is within that group we never talk about sex in our relationships which
Starting point is 00:18:43 is ironic considering the group is called the cock warriors but I think that can create problems because then you feel like almost that you have to hide any problems that you might be experiencing in your sex life from your friends because it's the expectation is that once you're in a happy relationship for a year or longer all the time you're doing all the time and you're really happy. Yeah, but what tends to happen is that the longer you're with someone, the less you have sex. Yeah. And, like, it's trying to understand, like, what's normal.
Starting point is 00:19:11 Yeah, exactly. And I think when you open up those conversations, the more you have, the more you realise that everybody's actually kind of in a similar boat. And if you're not, you should feel comfortable enough to talk with your friends about that to like know what what is best for you um what you want out of it I guess but because it's only normal for couples regardless of how long they've been together to have like you know droughts or whatever or periods of not having sex like if someone is really stressed or if someone is just going through a bit of a rough time like that's totally normal but it's not something that people really talk about no it's not I mean I think it depends on on the friends as well like I've got a couple of friends one of my friends um who I
Starting point is 00:19:56 won't name and shame um loves talking about sex and she's constantly telling I think a few of my friends will know which one I'm talking about fans as well but she's constantly like talking about what sex toys she's using and stuff but I've by having her around I that's actually helped me understand a little bit more about stuff and like what's normal and like I think that's opened me up to the idea of talking about it more with friends because I think it is important so that you feel comfortable yeah and that you feel like you you know you just know what's going on in the world yeah I think it's so important otherwise then it just becomes really tricky so now it's time for our lessons in love segment so this is the part of the podcast where I ask every guest to share something that they've
Starting point is 00:20:38 learned from their love and relationship history Ella yours is tied to one of your latest songs which I think is very appropriate so do you want to share that with the listeners i know it's not even a plug i came up with this without thinking about the song you made the connect but um whilst we're on it the song's called knew me and um it's about basically realizing that you're in a situation that isn't serving you um and it's that you've been in it for a while and you sort of wake up one day and you're like, you know what, I don't know why I put up with this.
Starting point is 00:21:12 I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm a new version of myself. But song aside, I think that my lesson in love that I've learned over the years is that I am far more loyal than I've ever given myself credit for and the level of bullshit like the threshold of bullshit that I've put up with has always been way more than I would put up with now and like like for example one of my exes was texting people constantly um in a way that wasn't fair or appropriate and I kept forgiving that because of what they'd say
Starting point is 00:21:47 to sort of change my mind. What kind of things would they say? Just like, oh, it meant nothing? Or would they just make excuses? Like, oh, I had to speak to this person because of this work reason? No, do you know what? Not even excuses.
Starting point is 00:21:57 Like, they'd be up front and be like, yeah, you're right, I shouldn't be doing this. I'm sorry. And then because, like, I was so desperately, not desperately, desperately but like willing to forgive and like wanting everything to go back to normal which I think a lot of people can be guilty for and we've all done it in the past um and I think it's taken a few relationships of that level of crap to realize that I was so young I've wasted months possibly years allowing that to be
Starting point is 00:22:30 normal and um allowed within a relationship and really you should just bend it off um and I think that's why a lot of my songs end up being really angry and like quite savage because they come from a place of like, I finally binned it off. I finally said, I'm not doing this anymore. I think that's such a good point, though, because I think as women, we are particularly forgiving creatures. And I think a lot of the time, one of the reasons why we put up with so much crap in relationships is because society tells us not to be angry. And we are conditioned not to show rage because that is unattractive and that paints you as a psycho
Starting point is 00:23:13 or it paints you as, you know, a bunny boiler or whatever. There are all these stereotypes and cliches about angry women. So it's almost like, oh, we can't have a problem with anything. So you tell yourself, it's fine. They've been messaging someone else.
Starting point is 00:23:27 It's fine. I don't care. I'm a cool girl. Whatever. And I believe them. It's never going to happen again. Yeah. And I think also that's where like talking to your friends sort of ties into it as well,
Starting point is 00:23:37 because there's an element of like, I don't want to have to tell my mates about this because I've sort of now allowed this behavior. Yeah. about this because I've sort of now allowed this behavior yeah and if I tell them what happened and I've forgiven it I I look like an idiot but that's the thing it's so mad that you would tell yourself I've allowed this to happen yeah because it's happened so many times it's like no that person is just a terrible human being and is walking all over you and yeah we're too tolerant of it and and you know what like maybe they're not even a terrible person but they just weren't ready to be in a relationship either and that's that's the
Starting point is 00:24:08 point where you say neither of us should be doing this because if i'm willing to part with that behavior and you're willing to keep doing this then this isn't working but i think that's that takes growing up and and you know all these relationships that i'm referring to when i was in my teens or like early 20s. I'm still in my early 20s, by the way. You're still, yeah. We'll say we're still in our early 20s. It's fine.
Starting point is 00:24:30 But I know what you mean. But the thing is, you had all of those relationships at such a young age. So you learn all of that much faster than I think most people would have. Whereas, you know, me, I was single until I was 24. So I'm only learning all of these things for the first time now yeah and we're not allowing it are we Livvy no we're not allowing it but I think my poor boyfriend puts up with a lot of crap because I'm like I I don't know anything so I constantly question every single thing that goes on yeah so I'm constantly relying on my friends to tell me what is and isn't okay but then you know you can't rely on them for everything
Starting point is 00:25:05 because to a certain point, you have to make the decision yourself. Yeah. Because no one is in your relationship apart from you. Yeah. But I think at the same time, I think you should allow other people to, not necessarily let them in,
Starting point is 00:25:19 but you should allow yourself to talk to people. Yeah, and listen to people who know you very well. Yeah. Because, yes, you know, your partner knows you very well, but your friends have known you probably for a longer period of time. Way longer, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:25:31 Yeah, I mean, I certainly haven't dated anyone for half my life. I'm a serial dater. I always have been. Yeah. Like, I think even when we were at school, there wasn't many times where I was single or not like entertaining but I think I think a lot of people we went to school with were like that because that
Starting point is 00:25:50 was the done thing yeah and like you say there wasn't a lot to do yeah like when you when you live at school and you live for like that hour after homework time where you're allowed onto campus to hang out with all your friends and everyone's disappearing off into the forests and behind the swimming pool and stuff sorry school but you know what it's you know what's so funny about that is it really almost like shames people who are single at that age because it was such a done thing after you did your homework there would be this hour-long period of time between like nine and ten I think when people were allowed to go back out on campus and hang out and that was like prime dating time so that was when
Starting point is 00:26:27 people would go and meet their boyfriends or girlfriends and walk around campus and if you didn't have anyone to meet it was like okay I'm just going to
Starting point is 00:26:33 sit here and like eat rich tea biscuits watch the boys play football and decide which one I fancy the most yeah yeah all that that is probably
Starting point is 00:26:40 all we've got time for today I'm afraid thank you so much Ella thanks for having me that's it for today thank you guys so much for listening if you are a new listener you can subscribe to us on Apple Podcasts
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