Love Lives - Ella Eyre on dating and friendships
Episode Date: March 13, 2020On Millennial Love this week Olivia is joined by singer Ella Eyre to discuss how to balance your dating life and your friends.The pair, who have been pals for more than a decade, dive into what it's l...ike when one of your friends gets into a serious relationship and talk about dating within a friendship group.They also reminisce about old school times, over several of Olivia's favourite rich tea biscuits, and dig up old memories of stealing boyfriends off one another.As always you can keep up to date with everything to do with the show on Instagram @millennial_love. If you're a new listener please remember to subscribe and leave us a comment, preferably a nice one!Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/millenniallove. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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I can't stop eating this biscuit.
They were a bad idea, I could tell.
You went straight, you've had three, I've had zero.
Why have you not had any?
Because I'm conscious of the fact that I'm a very noisy eater,
particularly next to a microphone.
God, clearly I've zero fucks given over here.
You can be in your drawer, on your desk.
Hello and welcome to Millennial Love, the independence podcast on everything to do with sexuality, relationships, identity and more.
This week I am joined by the singer Ella Eyre to discuss female friendship and dating. Enjoy the show!
Hi Ella! Hi. How are you doing? I'm alright, thank you. This is weird. I know, it's quite
weird. Why is it weird? Because I've known you for half my life. Is it really half my
life? About that, No, probably not.
No, wait. So. Exaggerating. 13 years? Yeah, about that. About that. That's half my life.
Yeah. That is half our life. Yeah. Actually half our lives. Yeah, wow. Why don't you tell
the listeners how we know each other? So, Olivia and I, we went to school together years
and years and years ago. That's how we met. And we weren't traditionally friends, were
we? No, we weren't friends.
We went to prep school together when we were 12, 13,
and we were not friends at all.
We actually also dated the same guy at prep school.
Dated?
Or did I date him and you wish?
Okay, okay, okay.
Hold on.
I can't remember who dated... Wait, which one are we talking about?
Okay, Tom.
Tom Bellack. Oh, God, yeah, that one. Yeah. which one are we talking about? Okay, Tom. Tom Bellack.
Oh, God, yeah, that one.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So we were 12, 13?
Yeah.
I can't remember who dated him first.
And when we say dated at prep school, we were like 12 years old.
You like hold that hand.
Yeah, like kissing against the locker every now and again.
Yeah, that kind of thing.
And then he dumped me via voicemail.
I actually can't remember how I got dumped.
Did he dump you as well?
Do you know what?
Embarrassingly, I don't think I ever did actually date Tom Bellack.
You just kind of...
I think I just had an infatuation with him that I made up in my brain.
No, you guys did definitely hook up a few times as far as 12-year-olds can hook up.
I remember. You did.
But I don't remember who did it first.
Anyway.
So memorable.
So memorable.
The point of the story is, yes yes we were not really friends back then
and then we were put into the same boarding house when we were 13 and formed a strong friendship
mainly over our shared love of sims yeah that's true and also i did lie and said i didn't pick
up biscuits but um well my memory of livy when we finally ended up being in the same house
was that she didn't really eat very much except rich tea biscuits.
And I thought, seeing as we're getting all nostalgic,
I bought a full pack of rich tea biscuits for us to tuck into.
I can't believe you.
To discuss relationships and boys like we always do.
Yeah.
Well, let's tuck into the rich tea biscuits.
I haven't had one of these in a very long time.
They're disgusting, that's why.
They are not disgusting. They're's why. They are not disgusting.
They're so bland.
They are so good.
Of all the biscuits,
I was going to pick up
Jammy Dodgers,
but I couldn't find them.
No, I don't like Jammy Dodgers.
These are the tits.
Okay, good.
I'm going to open them
and try not to make too much noise.
We can edit that out.
Dating at school
was very strange.
Yes, it was.
If you don't mind,
we were 12, 13.
It was very intense
considering how young we were. And like we just said, we both kind of dated the same guy when we were 12 13 it was very intense yeah considering how young we were and like we just said we both
kind of dated the same guy when we were 12 not normal for people to really have boyfriends when
you're that age is it I don't know I think um I at that age you're sort of getting used to the idea
of what relationships are and you're learning what they are.
Like, especially because we grew up with our parents and stuff
and not everybody's situations are ideal.
But I think, particularly at boarding school,
there was this, like, weird,
I don't know, maybe it was just me,
but there was this weird, like, thing
of, like, finding the person
you're going to spend the rest of your life with.
It was like a competition as to...
I think it's because it was
a very traditional environment. Yes. Which I think was really alien to both of us like that school
is in somerset and it's a very traditional boarding school and a lot of the people
who we were at school with come from very kind of like classic nuclear families yeah they ride
horses their parents are together they have you know two or three siblings they live in a big
house in the countryside yeah and for you and i that just wasn't the case we were the city kids from broken homes yeah raised by single mums which
is in no way a bad thing no but it it completely shapes I think your view of relationships even at
a very young age yeah true because I didn't really date anyone properly when I was at school. But there was one boy when we were 14, 15,
who I was really good friends with.
And I have to be careful because he's probably listening to this
or will listen to this.
Way down.
And I was completely obsessed by him.
And he was probably the first guy that I ever had feelings for.
We were very good friends and we got really close really quickly.
And then what happened, Ella?
And Ella, bearing in mind, my best mate at school.
Ella, what happened then?
I went on a quest to become his friend to try and get him to date you.
And what really happened was I ended up dating him instead.
Don't ever let your friends do that, guys.
It doesn't work.
It was a weird time.
It was a weird time.
I think that's exactly why relationships in school are really odd.
I mean, to be honest, you took it rather well.
We're two very different people,
because I think my reaction would have been
very different i mean i'm chewing a biscuit as i say this um i took it well because because a few
months later i became infatuated with someone else i think the thing is that we took away from
boarding school and school in general is that like relationships are actually well not relationships
school is quite an incestuous place for relationships because the same guy that we're talking about
now is now dating one of our friends so it's just like it's a long it's a long ending never-ending
cycle of people dating the same people how do you think though the way that the way that we spoke
about dating at school and the way that it was so incestuous?
How do you think that has kind of shaped your approach today?
Or do you think or do you think it's not really something you can consider now?
I think I put a lot less pressure on myself than I used to because I think I think also because I didn't necessarily come from parents that were together I think I became obsessed
with wanting to find something that I didn't come from if you know what I mean like that ideal
like finding the guy you're gonna have kids with and spend the rest of your life with and I think
that nowadays over the years I learned that that's not necessarily what I should have been focusing
on at such a young age particularly at school because school is actually quite fun and there's a lot more things we could have been doing than
like chasing boys around but at the time it felt like that was the point it felt like it was all
consuming yeah I think particularly because we were at school in the countryside and there just
wasn't that much else to do very that's exactly it, yeah. And then all the after-school activities would be chosen
around which boy you fancied was doing it.
And, like, I know my French class revolved around one of the guys
that I liked a lot.
I can't remember who that was.
I don't remember a single French word from that class.
But I remember all the fun things I used to do in that class instead I was
the class clown for that reason but do you think do you think the relationships that we had in school
uh like do you think they're valid relationships or do you think so much of it was just based on
like looking to have someone so that you could have someone to talk about and have someone to
be like oh yeah this is the guy I'm seeing.
I don't know.
I think it differs depending on the person because for me, I've always got on really well with boys anyway.
So I'd always, and still to this day,
I find myself dating my friends.
I wanted to ask you about that.
Yeah, like the guy I'm with now,
and I've been with for three years,
I knew him for four years
before we even considered each other as an option.
And I think that was the same for me at school.
I became matey with other boys
and then we discovered we fancied each other
and then it sort of blossomed in that way.
And I think it's a great way to know
whether you actually like the person in the first place.
Then I guess you find out more about them
when you actually date.
Yeah, but I think it's a much more natural way
to start dating someone, isn't it,
if you're already friends,
because then you already have that basis.
I think the problem with people looking for love today
is that a lot of the time it is inauthentic
because it starts on a dating app
and you're never gonna be friends with someone.
But it's also really exciting.
I feel like in some ways I will miss out on that
because being on a dating app is probably never going to happen for me.
And meeting somebody random is probably never going to happen for me
because I'm so in love and I'm never breaking up with my boyfriend now,
she says.
Who knows?
But right now in my brain like the idea of of meeting somebody
and going on a blind date um could be quite fun but I've heard it's quite depressing
I it's very depressing I never had to do that I mean it it leads to lots of very funny stories
to talk about with your friends but it and you know occasionally you can get lucky we've got
friends who have been in long-term relationships after having met on dating apps.
Yeah.
But I do think that they are in a minority of people.
I think a lot of the time the people who meet on dating apps,
they have to get over that initial kind of hurdle
of this is how we met.
And it's like there's this kind of level of artifice.
See, I've never been on a first date with someone I don't know.
That's so weird.
Never.
And I think as much as I think I would hate it,
I'd also find it really interesting.
But isn't it still a first date if it's the first time that you're going,
you're meeting someone, you know, for dinner or whatever,
within a romantic context?
Or have you never even had that where you both know that you're meeting
and it's more than just a friendly hangout?
No, it's never usually dinner, Libby.
You make me sound so naive.
But I mean, I guess that was, like I said,
a lot of the people that I've ended up dating
have been my friends.
So when we're meeting for the first time
in a romantic sense,
the ice has already been broken as such.
That's the thing that's difficult with online dating
is that you have to break the ice.
Yeah.
Because you never really do when you're talking to someone online.
You can think you do, but then when you meet in person,
it's all over again.
Yeah.
This has never been a problem for us,
but what do you think you should do
if your friend is dating someone that you don't like
or don't approve of?
Are you joking me?
This has never been a problem for us.
Wait, who have I dated that you haven't liked?
Oh, I mean, oh, you mean between us?
Yeah, no, I mean, no.
Obviously, we know people whose partners we don't like.
I was going to say.
I mean, between you and I.
I've never disliked anyone that you've dated
and you've never disliked anyone I've dated. and you've never disliked anyone I've dated.
And if you have disliked them, I've disliked them as well.
I'm disappointed in you for not disliking some of my previous places.
Okay, no, I didn't love some of them.
But what do you think you do in that situation?
In that situation, I'm always savage.
Don't you remember that on the WhatsApp groups that we have when we're all openly
discussing a certain situation that somebody might be in I'm always the friend that goes a bit far
like with the honesty yeah but that I think is very helpful because people sometimes need a
combination of advice you know you need someone who's going to give you the hard love which is
what you would do yeah and then you probably need someone like me who is going to be a little bit softer and probably not as probably a little more scared to be so
yeah I think I think also the downside of that and I've learned this over the years so I tried
to be as diplomatic as possible but the downside of that is that then actually your friends probably
don't end up telling you everything all the time and I've learned that in my own relationships too
because I think there's a danger when you when you're having a bit of a rubbish day
with the person you're with
and it's not gonna define your relationship
but you've moaned to your friends or whatever about it.
The more you moan, the more they get a bad image
of that person that you're dating in their brain
and then it's hard to sort of undo that
once you've done it so much.
So I think it's kind of like striking the
balance between between like trying to understand where they're coming from and knowing that you've
been that person that can't see how terrible the situation is but then also being like you know
what um I think you really need to cut loose we're so young as well I know it's almost like if you see someone going through
that we're we're 26 well nearly 26 it's like life's too short to be stuck in a rut in a bad
relationship but at the same time I know what you mean we have to take everything our friends tell
us with a pinch of salt because I think a lot of the time when friends are talking to when especially
female friends talking to each other about their relationships and their love lives,
they tend to only share the negative things.
Yeah.
And like you said.
So true.
Yeah, and like you said, it then paints a negative picture,
which can then be really difficult to get over.
And I know that I've experienced this in the past
when I've dated people
and I have maybe bitched about them quite a lot
and then not said any of the good things.
And then when I'm going through a good patch with that person, it's then quite hard to talk about it
because then your friends kind of only expect you
to say bad things.
And I think also there's a danger of it sounding
like you're trying to cover your tracks.
Exactly, like you're trying to make up excuses for them.
And then again, like, you know, as a friend,
and if you're quite protective, which you know,
obviously you are, you'd...
Fiercely.
Yeah, then you would be like,
oh, she's completely in denial about it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then it's even more frustrating.
It's so difficult to advise a friend about their love life.
I think, yeah, and it's also just really hard to understand
and grasp the balance of when is too much
and how much longer are you willing to put up with
like when when the when the bad days outweigh the good uh how how many days is is it that you're
gonna yeah finally cut the cord i'd say if you were experiencing 70 bad days 30 good days
probably need to take a long look at your relationship
and realise and try and work out if this is the right person for you.
Yeah, I mean, and that might be defined by something that they're going through,
like a patch, whether it's to do with work or, like, life stresses.
But I think you learn a lot about each other during those times
and if neither of you are very good at coping with them,
you're probably not meant for each other.
But it's really hard to tell a friend that
when they're making excuses or not.
I don't know. It's tough.
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Do you think there are certain things about our relationships
that we should never share with friends?
Um...
No.
I think you should be able to tell your friends everything.
Yeah, I kind of agree.
I don't think there's anything that you shouldn't,
that should be off limits.
Yeah.
If you want to talk about it.
Yeah.
Because so often if you're experiencing problems
in your relationship,
talking to your friends will help you understand
like how to rationalise those problems in your own head,
I think, even if the friend is just listening
and not imposing any opinion.
Yeah.
Do you know what I find really interesting is that when you start dating,
well, not start, when you've been dating somebody for quite a long time,
when you first start dating, you talk about how great the sex is
and, like, all the details and, like, as soon as it gets to, like,
you know, the year mark or whatever,
you don't really discuss those things as much and then you just assume that like you know their sex life is great yeah and then you
find out later down the line that like it's not happening at all and I feel like that's the kind
of conversation that I feel like we should try and have more often with our friends so that we're all
checking in and making sure they're getting enough orgasms absolutely it's so funny it's not something
we talk about at all.
Like Ella and I are in various WhatsApp groups together,
one of which, can we say the name?
Go on.
It's called Cock Warriors.
Again, the name is not something that we made up.
It's completely irrelevant as well.
Yeah, it's completely irrelevant.
It was one of Ella's ex-boyfriends.
It was.
It was very, very, very creative.
Came up with the idea for the name.
It originally started as a group for us to plan plan a dinner or something and the group was completely random
we just picked you know who we knew was around that night yeah there's only five of us in the
group and and then ella's boyfriend at the time just decided that this is what we should name the
group yeah anyway my point is within that group we never talk about sex in our relationships which
is ironic considering the group is called
the cock warriors but I think that can create problems because then you feel like almost that
you have to hide any problems that you might be experiencing in your sex life from your friends
because it's the expectation is that once you're in a happy relationship for a year or longer all
the time you're doing all the time and you're really happy. Yeah, but what tends to happen is that the longer you're with someone, the less you have
sex.
Yeah.
And, like, it's trying to understand, like, what's normal.
Yeah, exactly.
And I think when you open up those conversations, the more you have, the more you realise that
everybody's actually kind of in a similar boat.
And if you're not, you should feel comfortable enough to talk with your friends about that to like know what what is best for you um what you want out of it I guess but because it's
only normal for couples regardless of how long they've been together to have like you know droughts
or whatever or periods of not having sex like if someone is really stressed or if someone is
just going through a bit of a rough time like that's totally normal but it's not something that people really talk about no it's not I mean I think
it depends on on the friends as well like I've got a couple of friends one of my friends um who I
won't name and shame um loves talking about sex and she's constantly telling I think a few of my
friends will know which one I'm talking about fans as well but she's constantly
like talking about what sex toys she's using and stuff but I've by having her around I that's
actually helped me understand a little bit more about stuff and like what's normal and like I
think that's opened me up to the idea of talking about it more with friends because I think it is
important so that you feel comfortable yeah and that you feel like you you know you just know what's going on in the world yeah I think it's so important
otherwise then it just becomes really tricky so now it's time for our lessons in love segment
so this is the part of the podcast where I ask every guest to share something that they've
learned from their love and relationship history Ella yours is tied to one of your latest songs
which I think is very appropriate
so do you want to share that with the listeners i know it's not even a plug i came up with this
without thinking about the song you made the connect but um whilst we're on it the song's
called knew me and um it's about basically realizing that you're in a situation that
isn't serving you um and it's that you've been in it for a while
and you sort of wake up one day and you're like,
you know what, I don't know why I put up with this.
I'm not going to do it anymore.
I'm a new version of myself.
But song aside, I think that my lesson in love
that I've learned over the years is that
I am far more loyal than I've ever given myself credit for and the level of
bullshit like the threshold of bullshit that I've put up with has always been way more than I would
put up with now and like like for example one of my exes was texting people constantly um in a way
that wasn't fair or appropriate and I kept forgiving that because of what they'd say
to sort of change my mind.
What kind of things would they say?
Just like, oh, it meant nothing?
Or would they just make excuses?
Like, oh, I had to speak to this person
because of this work reason?
No, do you know what?
Not even excuses.
Like, they'd be up front and be like,
yeah, you're right, I shouldn't be doing this.
I'm sorry.
And then because, like, I was so desperately,
not desperately, desperately but like
willing to forgive and like wanting everything to go back to normal which I think a lot of people
can be guilty for and we've all done it in the past um and I think it's taken a few relationships
of that level of crap to realize that I was so young I've wasted months possibly years allowing that to be
normal and um allowed within a relationship and really you should just bend it off um and I think
that's why a lot of my songs end up being really angry and like quite savage because they come from a place of like,
I finally binned it off. I finally said, I'm not doing this anymore.
I think that's such a good point, though, because I think as women, we are particularly forgiving
creatures. And I think a lot of the time, one of the reasons why we put up with so much crap
in relationships is because society tells us not to be angry.
And we are conditioned not to show rage because that is unattractive
and that paints you as a psycho
or it paints you as, you know,
a bunny boiler or whatever.
There are all these stereotypes
and cliches about angry women.
So it's almost like,
oh, we can't have a problem with anything.
So you tell yourself, it's fine.
They've been messaging someone else.
It's fine.
I don't care.
I'm a cool girl.
Whatever.
And I believe them.
It's never going to happen again.
Yeah.
And I think also that's where like talking to your friends sort of ties into it as well,
because there's an element of like, I don't want to have to tell my mates about this because
I've sort of now allowed this behavior.
Yeah. about this because I've sort of now allowed this behavior yeah and if I tell them what happened
and I've forgiven it I I look like an idiot but that's the thing it's so mad that you would tell
yourself I've allowed this to happen yeah because it's happened so many times it's like no that
person is just a terrible human being and is walking all over you and yeah we're too tolerant
of it and and you know what like maybe they're not even a
terrible person but they just weren't ready to be in a relationship either and that's that's the
point where you say neither of us should be doing this because if i'm willing to part with that
behavior and you're willing to keep doing this then this isn't working but i think that's that
takes growing up and and you know all these relationships that i'm referring to when i was
in my teens or like early 20s.
I'm still in my early 20s, by the way.
You're still, yeah.
We'll say we're still in our early 20s.
It's fine.
But I know what you mean.
But the thing is, you had all of those relationships at such a young age. So you learn all of that much faster than I think most people would have.
Whereas, you know, me, I was single until I was 24.
So I'm only learning all of these things for the first time now yeah and we're not allowing
it are we Livvy no we're not allowing it but I think my poor boyfriend puts up with a lot of crap
because I'm like I I don't know anything so I constantly question every single thing that goes
on yeah so I'm constantly relying on my friends to tell me what is and isn't okay but then you know
you can't rely on them for everything
because to a certain point,
you have to make the decision yourself.
Yeah.
Because no one is in your relationship apart from you.
Yeah.
But I think at the same time,
I think you should allow other people to,
not necessarily let them in,
but you should allow yourself to talk to people.
Yeah, and listen to people who know you very well.
Yeah.
Because, yes, you know, your partner knows you very well,
but your friends have known you probably for a longer period of time.
Way longer, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, I certainly haven't dated anyone for half my life.
I'm a serial dater.
I always have been.
Yeah.
Like, I think even when we were at school,
there wasn't many times where I was single
or not like
entertaining but I think I think a lot of people we went to school with were like that because that
was the done thing yeah and like you say there wasn't a lot to do yeah like when you when you
live at school and you live for like that hour after homework time where you're allowed onto
campus to hang out with all your friends and everyone's disappearing off into the forests
and behind the swimming pool and stuff sorry school but you know what it's you know what's so funny about that is it really
almost like shames people who are single at that age because it was such a done thing after you did
your homework there would be this hour-long period of time between like nine and ten I think when
people were allowed to go back out on campus and hang out and that was like prime dating time
so that was when
people would go
and meet their boyfriends
or girlfriends
and walk around campus
and if you didn't have
anyone to meet
it was like
okay I'm just going to
sit here and like
eat rich tea biscuits
watch the boys play football
and decide which one
I fancy the most
yeah
yeah all that
that is probably
all we've got time for today
I'm afraid
thank you so much Ella
thanks for having me
that's it for today
thank you guys so much for listening
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