Love Lives - Fleur East reveals how to keep the spark alive in long-term relationships

Episode Date: May 8, 2020

Singer and radio presenter Fleur East joined Olivia back in January to talk about how to keep things exciting when you've been in a relationship with someone for so long.Fleur shares some of her own tips - she has been with her husband for 10 years - and offers a unique insight into some of the things couples can do to reignite their passion for one another if things reach a plateau.While the episode was recorded back in January, it's most definitely relevant today, when so many couples in isolation together are spending more time with one another than ever before.You can follow everything to do with the show on Instagram at @millennial_love.If you're a new listener please remember to subscribe and leave us a comment, preferably a nice one!Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/millenniallove. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca. Hello and welcome to Millennial Love, a podcast from The Independent that looks at everything to do with sexuality, relationships, identity and more. I'm your host, Olivia Petter, and today on the program, I'm joined by singer and radio host Fleur East to discuss how to keep the spark alive in a long-term relationship. Fleur's been with her now husband for a decade, so is probably in a similar situation to many people isolating with their long-term partner at the moment. I should mention that this episode was recorded in January in Fleur's kitchen, so don't worry, no social distancing rules were broken in the making of this episode. Enjoy the show. Hi Fleur. Hi. How are you doing? Good, thanks. How are you? I'm good, thank you. I have a

bit of a cold, but I'm fine. Same. Everyone has a cold. It's that time of year. So I'm going to start off the conversation by asking you, because you've been with your husband for 10 years? 10 years. Married for seven months, but together 10 years. Amazing. So how did you guys meet? Well, it's a funny story.

We actually met in the nightclub. I was out with my friends. And he was there working as a waiter. So he sort of like charmed me at the bar and was giving me free drinks and stuff. It's a very good tactic. Very good tactic. He must have got that from somewhere.

Where did he figure that out? I don't know. And we hit it off straight away sparks were flying we danced all night and then at the end of that night he asked me for my number and I said I'm really sorry but I've got a boyfriend did you yes I did but I knew there was a connection so I just knew it was dangerous territory so I said I'm really sorry but I've got a boyfriend he said oh we can just be friends and I just knew no this is just trouble so I just said I'm really sorry but we're gonna have to just leave it here so after that lost complete touch with him obviously didn't see him again and then a year later I was out in a different club with friends

and someone tapped me on my shoulder and I turned around and it was him really yeah and he said do you remember me from that other night of course of course I remember you that's so weird a different club in the same was it also was it in London yeah in London completely different place and a year later and then he said oh are you still with your boyfriend and I said no and then immediately swapped numbers and here we are that's so funny do you know I asked quite a few podcast guests about how they met their partners and so often it's like they meet once and it's not quite the right time yeah and then they bump into each other again like a year later or a few months later or whatever and then it starts happening it's so interesting because it's like fate it's all about

timing definitely the right time the right moment the right place I definitely believe in that yeah I do too and so I wanted to ask you about timing actually because so how old were you when you got into the relationship with him I think I just turned 22 okay so that's fairly young to get into a serious relationship yeah I guess so were you one of the only people in your social circle who was in a relationship at the time? Or were some of your friends sort of in relationships from uni? I'd say it was kind of half and half. Half of my friendship group that had been in relationships even before me. And then the other half were very single.

Single, sexy and free three living their best lives and when they were living their best lives and you were sort of in this burgeoning love story with your now husband did you ever feel envious of your friends sort of going out and coming back with these crazy stories or were you kind of like oh I'm so glad I never have to do that again or you know because it's just quite you we were you were in a relationship for most of your 20s. Did you feel like you missed out on anything? To be honest, I've always said to my friends, I think when you're single, enjoy being single.

Like, live it to its ultimate, ultimate best. Take advantage of it. And just explore and get to learn more about yourself. And then I also say when you're in a relationship really delve into that and really enjoy that so for me no I wasn't I wasn't envious at all I was happy I was in a relationship and I think when you're in the right relationship then there's nothing to be envious of yeah I think if you probably are looking at your single friends when you're with someone and you're like damn damn, I wish I was out there kind of getting with all these people.

There's probably a problem in the relationship. Yeah, you're not with the right person, I'd say. I think it's fair to say. Yeah, yeah. So you guys got married, what, seven months ago? Yes. How did he propose? Well, it's quite funny because when we were 24, I don't think I've actually told this story to many people,

but when we were 24, he actually asked me to get married. Really? But it was really strange, actually, because he sort of said, oh, I really want to commit to you and I want to show you that I'm serious. So he bought me a promise ring. That's so cute. That's like something like Dawson's Creek or One Tree Hill and I was like oh my gosh this is really sweet and then all my friends were so happy for me all my family were overjoyed and I thought oh this is it we're gonna get married and and then one day I sort of said to him well you know when you gave me that ring, did you do it as a proposal?

So did he give you the ring and say, I want to marry you and give you the ring? Or did he just say, I wanna commit to you? No, he sort of said, I'd love you to be my fiance. Those were his words. Interesting. Yeah, isn't that interesting? And then afterwards I quizzed him and said,

when you gave me this ring, did you think in your head that we were planning to get married? Or, and he went well no I just wanted to show you that I was serious about you so I thought I've said well that's a bit weird because now I'm walking around with this ring and everyone's thinking that I'm like engaged but then neither of us are really in a hurry to get married that's so funny because it's the kind of thing that's obviously like a really sweet gesture yeah at the time you're probably like oh my god he wants he wants

to commit to me yes but then a bit later you're like actually what the hell does this mean i'll be engaged i'll be getting married that's so funny yeah so i just said okay do you know what so you take this ring you know sell it whatever you want to do with it i said when me and you are both ready to actually commit and get married then let's do it the right way so then fast forward to last year and we were going to tokyo together for a holiday and um in the airport he took me to tiffany and he was like oh let's look at some engagement rings and i was thinking oh this is exciting had you not spoken about getting engaged since 24 i mean we'd always spoken about it really like it was something that you were definitely going to do but just a matter of when

exactly right so when he took me into tiffany i thought oh this is it he's getting my ring this is happening um and i tried on different styles and and I was like well you know I love gold and you know I'd love a yellow diamond and you know I'd love like an oval shape you know preferably but you know I'm just just putting it out there I was like giving all the hints and then we got onto the plane and got to our hotel and And then immediately he said, oh, I found this other hotel across the street. It's really traditional Japanese. You know, you wear the traditional attire and you go around and you lay in the salt baths. And he was like, we should go stay there for one night. And I said, but we've just checked in. And he said, no, trust me, trust me, trust me. You need

to try this place out. You need to get get the experience so we went over there and we checked in I went into my room and there were rose petals on the bed champagne chocolate covered strawberries and I immediately said this is so over the top is this what they do when couples come to stay here and then I turned around and he was on his knee and I just gasped straight away and I was like oh my goodness what's going on and he just um had a box and opened it up and literally my dream ring was in the box everything I've described yellow diamond gold oval shaped and I just looked at him and he was just like Fleur East will you be my wife I just burst into him and he was just like, Fleur East, will you be my wife? And I just burst into tears, put the ring on,

and I was like, but hold on. You took me to Tiffany in the airport. What's going on? And he was like, well, I had to throw you off because I had the ring already. Clever. Because I was going to say, surely he didn't just buy it. Right, exactly.

No, he'd been designing it for months. He'd had it all prepared. I like that he threw you off guard. was gonna say surely he didn't just buy it right yeah no he'd been designing it for months he had it all prepared i like that he threw you off guard it was amazing that's clever because then obviously you go to the trip and you think oh maybe this is something he's gonna do soon but obviously not right now right exactly clever i see what you did there yeah and then he planned a whole shoot for us the next day and we had the yeah we had such an unforgettable time there it was amazing that's amazing okay so going back to being in a long-term relationship through your 20s I think one of the funniest things about dating someone for a long period of time is that obviously in the initial

stages of being someone you kind of put up this facade of who you are in order to kind of lure them in so like and I'm you know you you might pretend to be a little bit more a little bit more casual than you might be you might you might not uh call them out on things that bug you you might not wear the eye mask when you go to sleep that you normally always sleep with if you're spending the night together at what point do you think that sort of stuff seems to fall away do you think it's like after a few weeks after a few months or longer down the line like a year like when do you stop not bullshitting is too strong a word but like when do you when do you stop when do you stop trying to impress them so much I guess um and by changing parts of yourself because that's only

natural isn't it yeah I think so and I think I did that in previous relationships and then when I met my husband myself I think I'd got over that so I think even the first two weeks I was just rocking up in my jogging bottoms vest no makeup like I wasn't really putting in as much effort as I usually would when I first met someone do you think that's because you felt more comfortable around him yeah I think so and I think because I'd told myself well if he can accept me for me you know just in my in my tracky bottoms you know the un-glam me then he deserves to be with me like for the long term and I've always advised my friends to do that I always say if you go on a first date don't turn up looking all glam like your absolute best because it all goes downhill from there

yeah yeah and then you have to sustain it right this is it it's so funny i hear um charlotte tilbury the makeup artist apparently she her husband has never seen her without a full face of makeup which i just think is mad no that's too much i don't have time for that no it's just like how do you even keep that up like logistically like do you just wake up 10 minutes before and then immediately go to the bathroom and then come back into bed and just open your eyes it's like oh good morning look how beautiful I am um yeah yeah it's not realistic um people often say that when you are in a long-term relationship there are sort of because obviously you change over time particularly I think when you are in a long-term relationship, there are sort of... Because obviously you change over time,

particularly, I think, when you're in your 20s and your 30s. You go through lots of different phases in your career and just in your life, and major family events happen and whatever. So obviously your relationship changes, and people often say that a long relationship is like lots of different mini-relationships. Do you think that's the case with you and marcel

have you noticed that yeah i definitely have noticed that i i say that i feel i've been in a relationship with like three different people over the course of 10 years because obviously when we met we were 22 we were really young yeah and he grew up he was born in senegal and then grew up in paris so he hadn't even been in london that long so our upbringings were completely different so he he was a different person when i first met him and then obviously we grew together and we taught each other different things through our upbringing and our different cultures and and then we sort of found ourselves together so he started to pursue his dreams of being a clothing designer and I pursued my dreams of being a singer and we did that together and we supported each other through

that because you were together you were together when you went on x factor yeah right yeah yeah long before that so he was on actually encouraged me um to go on to the x factor oh really i i didn't really want to do it and he was like you're crazy we watch this every year oh were you a fan of the show oh yeah yeah from since the beginning um and he just said i just know i'm so confident in you and i just know that if you went on there you'd make it all the way to the final and i was like no you don't know there's so much pressure you're just saying that it's easy saying that sitting on your sofa yeah um so we had that period of hustling i guess together and trying to make it happen and then there was the time of then achieving it and then

I guess enjoying the fruits of our labor together which was another stage again so yeah it's like I've been in a relationship with three different men over 10 years do you think he would say the same about you oh yeah definitely yeah yeah we've matured we've matured, we've matured together. We've learned each other. We've learned to cooperate, to just be respectful of each other. And you have to go through a lot of struggles and a lot of challenges to get there. Breaking news happens anywhere, anytime.

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Holla differently this year with DoorDash. Don't want to holla do the most? Holla don't. More festive, less frantic. Get deals for every occasion with DoorDash. Have you learned how to deal with each other when you're in an argument? Like some people, when they're in a fight, they like to address it there and then and kind of hash it out and then, you know, draw a line under it. Whereas other people, and I know I'm like this, like to sort of go away and think about it and think about it and think about it some more and then just try and analyze with your friends yeah exactly decode go to the whatsapp groups and then come back and be like right okay this is how i feel

yeah slash this is how my friends have told me i should feel which is probably not the healthiest thing in the world anyway my question is have you learned how to deal with relationship with arguments in your relationship yeah definitely um i don't know if you believe in like astrology or anything but my my sister strongly believes in like star signs and traits and me and marcel are both scorpios so we're both quite fiery and when we first met if we had a disagreement we'd both be like no you're this you're that and we were so passionate about our opinions and you know it would just flare up into this big discussion and it would go on and on and on and then we just had to learn to just rein it in because we'd end up like laughing because we're

like what even is this so we went through that sort of phase where you're like passionate it's a new love, you know, and you have that tension, you know, between each other. And then we passed that phase and I understood him and how he functions and he understood me. And then we got to the point where we were like, okay, we've just got to sit down and rationally discuss it. And then I think when you learn how people think,

you almost don't have to say too much. It's kind of like you understand the perspective already. So you get to a point where if you've had a disagreement, you go, okay, I understand why you're reacting like this. We also have less disagreements, I imagine.

Yeah, you probably call them out on less things because fewer things, because you know what would rile them up and you know there's no point in even having an argument about it you do and you can't you become more tolerant of each other and your relationship means more than a lot of like trivial things that matter at the start whether the dishwasher's been unloaded or not right you just think well i mean it's not worth it it's really not worth it yeah i was um have you heard of dr john gotman no so he is a professor who's basically written like 40 books about relationships and he's done like 190 studies into it and he identified the four most common problems in relationships which i think is really interesting the first one was criticism right which makes sense the second one is defensiveness which obviously you

know calling someone out and then the person being like oh no absolutely not that's not no why would you say that what's wrong with you and then it obviously leads to other arguments because then their reaction is so annoying uh contempt and stonewalling so shutting someone down just being like oh i don't care whatever right um do you think that that is true that those are the four things that probably cause the most friction that's interesting um criticism defensiveness contempt and stonewalling i think actually contempt is probably the most insidious one because that is one that obviously builds up over a long period of time.

And it's like... It's unhealthy. If you're having arguments about the same thing over and over again, which I think is when you really need to sit down and be like, okay, let's actually address this head-on because we keep having the same argument in different forms.

Yeah. So I think that's probably the one that I would say is the most... I think they're definitely contributing factors for sure. So why maybe a relationship breaks down or ultimately why a relationship doesn't work out. But I think the biggest thing is, is your vision for your life. Yeah. And your future.

I think that's the biggest thing. I think a lot of people fall out of love with someone because ultimately they've got their individual goal. And the person they choose to go on the ride of life with doesn't actually see that same vision or goal. That's a real problem. Yeah. Are you basing that on like experiences your friends have had yeah yeah definitely like I'm 32 and I'm already experiencing friends who are going through divorce and I'm thinking oh my gosh we're there already um and a lot of the time that is the biggest factor it's like oh well I wanted to do this and they couldn't support what I wanted to do or they

didn't understand why I wanted to go down that path. And ultimately, you can't really spend your whole life with someone who doesn't understand what your goal is for your future. Another one which isn't in this list of four is if your relationship just kind of plateaus and you kind of lose the spark that you once had at the beginning. and you kind of lose the spark that you once had at the beginning. So I guess maybe you've been living together for a couple of years and your relationship becomes more about logistics and about making plans and fitting into each other's really busy schedules as opposed to actually just enjoying one another's company. For people who are in that situation,

how do you think you reinvigorate the relationship and get the spark back I think any relationship is going to go through peaks and troughs that's just natural but you have to really work hard at that because if that's ever happened in my relationship we've always gone right we're going away or let's just have a weekend just us two or let's let's just go to the cinema or let's just just get in the car and just go for a drive just spend some quality time together because you need to because you get so bogged down in your everyday life social media yeah your friends work. And it's very easy to put your relationship on the back burner because you just get comfortable.

You become complacent. You're like, oh, they're there. It's fine. They'll always be there. And you can't take that for granted. You've got to then remind yourselves why you got together in the first place. And I think naturally when you do that,

the spark just reignites naturally. And you're like, oh spark just reignites naturally. And you're like, oh yeah, I remember why. Yeah. And do you think if the spark doesn't reignite naturally, that is a sign that that relationship has kind of run its course, maybe? Which I'm guessing can just happen. It doesn't have to be, you know, relationships don't have to end just because of some big cataclysmic argument. It could just be that maybe you just both realize actually there's just nothing left here that's very true but me and my sister always say and we laugh about this all the time we've analyzed this over time but we say

never get with someone for the fire this is what i always say clever when it's just an attraction an infatuation that's all good in the beginning because you're like, oh yeah, you're really hot. I'm really attracted to you. But that only lasts for a little while. And when there's no substance beyond that, it can't withstand the test of time. I don't believe.

Yeah, no, I think you're right. And actually other people have said that on the podcast before that it can be a real red flag with someone if you have that like intensity at the beginning because that is obviously ephemeral like there's no way that that's gonna last it's just just not how it works and also that the people who you do have that really intense connection with the beginning tend to be the ones that treat you like crap I think in my experience tell me how you really feel girl yeah i think it's just when that fizzles you've got to have something

underneath that yeah there has to be something a bit deeper yeah definitely all right we're gonna go to our lessons in love segment so this is the part of the podcast where i ask a guest to share something they've learned from their previous relationship experiences. It can be about your romantic relationships or friends or family. Fleur, would you like to tell me what your lesson in love is today? I think any relationship that you enter into, you need to be 100% your authentic self. 100% your authentic self and I learned that because in a lot of past relationships I would sort of adapt and change who I was as a person to make that other person happy what parts of yourself do you think you changed so if I was for example I've been in relationship in the past where um my partner wasn't as confident as me for example or they wouldn't really want to go out

because they weren't confident to kind of operate in social circles maybe and then to stay in the relationship I would then dim my my sparkle for them i think that's really common actually yeah because it's it's sort of like it brings out their insecurities and then probably causes arguments down the line i imagine so then i'd go oh okay well let me just let me just pipe down a bit here um maybe i'll be all right with not going out today. Oh, I can just stay in the house. That's fine. And I started to just become this recluse. And yeah, I didn't blossom and I didn't shine. And then I learned over time,

well, actually, the person I want to spend my life with needs to be someone who brings the best out in me and actually supports me being myself. And you're almost living a lie if you can't be authentic to who you are in a relationship that's a really important lesson yeah I think that's a lovely note to end on thank you thank you that's it for today thank you so much for listening if you're a new listener you can subscribe to us on apple podcasts spotify acast or wherever you listen you can subscribe to us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Acast, or wherever you listen. You can comment

and leave us a rating too so that more people can find us. Keep up with everything to do with the show on Instagram. Just search Millennial Love. See you soon. Whether you're in your running era, Pilates era, or yoga era, dive into Peloton workouts that work with you. From meditating at your kid's game to mastering a strength program, they've got everything you need to keep knocking down your goals. No pressure to be who you're not, just workouts and classes to strengthen who you are. So no matter your era, make it your best with Peloton. Find your push, find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca.