Love Lives - Myleene Klass on blended families

Episode Date: October 25, 2019

The broadcaster and former Hear'Say member talks to Olivia about blending her family with her partner's, Simon Motson. Both Myleene and Simon have two children from previous relationships, which Klass explains posed some complications early on that they were able to overcome.Myleene opens up about what it's like to discipline children when they aren't your own and finding ways to be a good step mother without overstepping your place.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/millenniallove. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello and welcome to Millennial Love, a podcast from The Independent focusing on everything to do with sexuality, relationships, identity and more. We touch on a wide variety of topics, ranging from how to have feminist sex to how dating has changed in the post-MeToo era. I'm your host Olivia Petter and today on the program I'm joined by broadcaster Mylene Clasp to discuss blended families. Enjoy the show! You can say hello. It's a hard time to speak. You're allowed to speak. I'm just trying to speak. Hi. So for those who don't know, Mylene has her fingers in quite a lot of pies.

How do you introduce yourself to people when they ask what you do? I actually just say broadcaster now because then I think that covers everything and then I can talk about the design. I've actually just come from a design meeting just now. Oh, cool. Which we did at my house, which was the easiest way. I find ways around doing it now. Which we did at my house, which was the easiest way. I find ways around doing it now. And today we are here to discuss the topic of blended families.

Yeah, just to make my life even more complicated. But definitely more colourful. I went and just, yeah, blended a family together. Yeah, I think colourful is probably a good way to describe the idea of blending families. My German neighbour calls it a patchwork family and I think that's quite nice actually. Oh, I like that a lot. I've heard puzzles and I've heard, but the idea of patchwork, it does sort of give you the idea of colour. I think the idea of forming bonds with someone else's kids can be quite tough. So I wonder from your perspective, what was that like when you met your partner's kids? I was so nervous. I cannot even tell you I rang all my friends up and and they all just said it's just

fine you get on with my children but I said no this is different this is and I don't know it shouldn't be different but it it definitely is different because you grow up with your friends they know you they come around on Saturdays They're just kind of part of the furniture. But with a partner, with somebody that you're looking to date, you're looking at that person. But then I suppose when I walked in and met him in the bar,

in the back of my head, I'm not just looking at him to date me. I'm actually thinking I have got two little girls as well. So actually you are looking at them to date all three of you if you see what I mean it's there's so much that you have to take on board and yeah in a nutshell I was really really nervous because you want them to like you but at the same time you want your children to like them and you want them to like your children and then you want everyone to get on and

long story short we arranged to do this on the friday on a saturday and on the friday night my boyfriend after a year of us waiting and planning this um he called me up he said i don't think i can do it and i said to him you cannot you don't bottle now because then i'm going to bottle and we're never going to do this and the children know it's happening and he just said it's going to be a long journey and all these excuses started coming up and i knew he was feeling exactly the same way. But we were just being totally ludicrous because when they met, they all ran into the garden

and we both stood in the kitchen just staring at each other, practically with a glass on the wall, just trying to figure out what they were all saying. They're all quite similar ages, aren't they? They're exact same ages. So between us, we've now got two eight-year-olds and two 12-year-olds and with that uh it's a gift in so many ways because you've got an idea of where everyone's at and what their interests are um even just from borrowing clothes when someone forgets

their socks and what sort of things they're into all the way through to the fact that it can be very tricky because the competitiveness is exactly where you would be as well with, you know, people that are your exact age. It's an immediate competitiveness as well. So it swings and roundabouts. Do you think it's difficult because they're sort of, they're in the early stages of adolescence, they're not quite teenagers, they're not quite teenagers they're not quite you know they're not quite old enough to really understand what's going on or do you think they do have a full they do i think you know some of the conversations that they have are quite insightful um i think it helps that there's a boy and a girl two 12 the 12 year olds the two little

ones we call them the 20s they don't look anything alike but they called themselves the 20s so they're just known as the 20s now um the eight-year-olds it's a more direct competition at times and total love at other times because of their ages and they're both the same sex but the conversations they have um it's really quite insightful actually because they have now become so reliant on us being together that if anything looks um that it could in any way impact that they get really nervous oh really so um and we've sat down so many times and said look it's not you know we're really both of us both myself and my partner are we are 100% behind this relationship. But if they worry that there was a job that I was offered and all the children came forward and said,

we don't want you to take the job because we don't want you to dance with another partner because you might go off with this partner. Things like that, that you just think, that's your worry today? It couldn't be further from my worry with all the other lists of things that there are out there. Do you think that anxiety comes from the fact that they have come from a broken home? I can only imagine because, you know, I had a 2.4 family. My mum and dad are still together, so I can't even imagine. And Simon's mum and dad are still together.

And so I can't imagine what it is from their vantage point at all. But at the same time, I refused to meet Sim, actually, when we were both set up. We were set up on a blind date. Were you? And I refused to meet him until I had been reassured by him in the end that he hadn't broken up the family because I just couldn't go through that

with somebody that I thought had the potential to do that. So already I think we both came into this relationship with the view that, you know, we know how fragile relationships can be and certainly didn't want to put or expose the children to anything. And I know, look,

I've got friends who are in different circumstances to me, but with the same kind of result. But personally speaking for me, I couldn't be with somebody that I thought had broken up the family I just couldn't do it so it was part of your children I imagine as well to explain that to them and yeah because they'd seen it from out from their side yeah as well so it was reassuring that we both had the same sort of outlook morals and and um a view to where we were both going I suppose in life and do you think

when you met Simon's children did you make an extra point of taking them out on your own to try and form bonds with them how did you go about so it's really funny actually because I didn't know how to do this there is no book just when you think there's no book of how to raise children and how to how to to get the whole family from a to b as it were because there's no book of how to raise children and how to get the whole family from A to B, as it were, because there is no destination point, really. There's no finishing line with family. It just keeps on rolling and rolling and rolling. But I didn't really know what to do. Nobody really tells you because nobody really knows.

Each family is different. Each individual within the family unit is very different. And what we did do is we did um we did holidays together all of us traveling as a six like the circus um i made a point of making rooms for everybody when we get we get to our destination point on holiday and everyone would end up in the same room so we'd all be sleeping in the same room together um we'd have our our bedtime stories all the same room together and we'd have our bedtime stories all in the same room together then you have breakfast together

then you go to the beach together and actually that was really nice it kind of solidified where we were as a family but I didn't imagine that because I made a point of saying this is your room this is where you've got your independence you've got your space

I went out of my way to give them space and it's like they were almost craving not to have it they wanted to be part of the unit plus my children live with me um and to have simon's children coming back and forth that brings its own different dynamics because you then realize that you know my children have to get used to sharing their toys simon's children have to get used to coming into a different environment. And that brings its own challenges for the children themselves. So Simon's children still live with his? Well, it's 50-50.

50-50. Okay, I got it. Do you mind me asking how you navigate it with the ex-partners? Is that something that you... All we do, first and foremost, is we just make sure that the children... We've got a diary now. Sim and I have got this diary. I never thought I'd do that either. Where we just put in all the children's sports days, all the children's dates that they're all together.

Birthdays, bat mitzvahs, the lot. It all just goes into this big diary. And we just control what we can control. We've always said that. Let's just control what we can control. It's quite simple with children. They just want to be loved. That's it.

The rest you can, you know, it's basic necessities of food and shelter. But ultimately, children, they're not trying to turn away your love. They want to be accepted. They want to be loved. And so rather than making specific time, I didn't make space

um knowingly but it just kind of it it just organically happened so um I mean my stepson now thinks I'm some IT wizard so and it's always he's always got something that he wants me to fix which always takes a bit of time and he's up he's allowed to stay up a bit later so the two of us just sit there together and we just fix things together but he's decided like he won't even let my boyfriend fix things anymore I have to fix it um my stepdaughter she passed her grade one piano yesterday I taught her how to play the piano that's been our little project together and that's been tricky in its own right because I then have to think right time wise I've now got to split myself into four instead of two and actually five if I include my boyfriend in this if he even gets included so I

teach my daughters the piano and then I now teach my stepdaughter the piano because I didn't think it was fair that she saw me giving them all that time in the mornings and in the evenings and she'd just stand there by the door and I'd just think well do you want to have a go and then I said well look since we're doing it should we go for a grade and she passed yesterday and I honestly I've subbed when I opened the email because I'm so proud I'm so proud of her do any of the kids want to follow in your footsteps and go into music? I say yes and no. It depends what day you get them on, to be honest, because my daughter, she's just past grade seven and she's 11 years old and I did my grade eight at 14. So she's well ahead of the curve.

But in so doing, it's so easy for her that she almost doesn't really it's just she doesn't take it on board how how hard it is for the rest of us if you see what i mean so i think she just wants to go off and she wants to save the world and be a marine biologist and maybe play to the dolphins do you think if they did want to go into the industry would you advise them about how how would you handle the fame things i feel like it it's a different world but their view on it is so different it's almost trying to prepare my children for a job that doesn't exist at the moment so you know the the industry that i knew 20 years ago when i did join the band that you mentioned or mentioned we didn't have right to reply we didn't have insta or twitter or snapchat we we had to wait until another publication maybe

took pity on us and wrote our views or didn't and wrote and just exacerbated the stories um you you just didn't have that voice and now the idea that you wouldn't have that voice it would be alien to my girls to explain that to them they just wouldn't get it because you have a voice you have a following you have a tribe but in so much it's also quite diluted we were playing to 14 to 14 to 20 million people when when the show that i was on went out now to garner those kind of numbers it's a different animal yeah do you think simon's kids would want to go into the industry sometimes they do i mean look past a grade one piano so the sky is the limit yeah um but at the same time it's nice to be able to afford them different opportunities

and different insights um they come to work with me now my god now that's where time, it's nice to be able to afford them different opportunities and different insights. They come to work with me. Now, that's where I think it's quite interesting because my girls have seen, they've grown up in dressing rooms. They've grown up seeing what I do and reading scripts and making the tea. They go around. They know all the people in the studios. And they go around and they know everybody's coffee orders. They come on design trips with me and line the shoes up. And so it's been nice to give that insight to his children. This episode is brought to you by Google Pixel. I'm Jessi Cruikshank. I host the number one

comedy podcast called Phone a Friend. I also have three kids. I need help making every day easier. So I switched to Google Pixel. It's a phone powered by Gemini, your personal AI assistant. Gemini can help you summarize your unread emails, suggest what to make with the food in your fridge, and it helped me achieve a family photo where everyone is smiling at the camera. I didn't think it was possible, but it is with Google Pixel 9. Learn more at store.google.com.

Twas the season of chaos and all through the house, not one person was stressing. Holla differently this year with DoorDash. Don't want to holla do the most? Holla don't. More festive, less frantic. Get deals for every occasion with DoorDash. for every occasion with DoorDash. Do you ever find yourself in a situation where you need to discipline Simon's kids? Well, it's really funny because when we first met, he said we should absolutely discipline each other's children because how is this going to work?

And I said yes and I didn't because I bottled it because I just thought, oh, I don't want them to hate me and actually I don't feel this is my place. And then I think there was one time he was out and someone had spray painted the front garage and then it just came naturally. And you can't help yourself. It was pink, black and green

and I was just like, what were you thinking what why didn't anybody why didn't anybody think to put newspaper down how am i going to get this out and they all just stood there looking just quite melancholy all four of them that's nice as well though because all four of them they're thick as thieves they really are i've been very lucky there or have i been lucky have we done that and sometimes we pat ourselves on the back and other times we just go wow well that was really lucky I think that actually probably makes all the difference you know just comparing the situation to what I grew up in and to having

the four kids together because you've got two kids from both sides yeah so you've got that sense of union I guess and it's like they're both we just have to be careful it doesn't become us and them your children my children we make we make it very clear that it's our. And often the children turn around and say, well, why am I getting told off? I wasn't even in the room. But you have to kind of just put them all in together because otherwise then you pick off children and it becomes favoritism. And children don't respond. Well, mine don't respond to that.

They kind of like the fact that it's all or nothing. All of them are in it together. And yes, when they spray painted my whole front yard, then Sim, he walked back into carnage and they were all really sorry. And I walked back out and they all had scouring pads, all four of them. I said, I don't want to even know who's done it, knowing full well who'd done it.

But all of you clear it up now. And they respond to that as well because i think it's that thing with boundaries isn't it it's knowing how far you can push and i think it just it kind of galvanizes all of us but um it would be impossible to look after four children and not be allowed to um well i suppose yeah and not be allowed to to direct them and and tell them off yeah oh well look there's more there's more than more of them than there are of us so we are we've well and truly identified that we're outnumbered and we we have to keep a tight rein but i said to him i said to my I said to Ava today what I'm doing today.

I'm talking about blended families. And she rolled her eyes and she said, oh, are you going to start your metaphors again? And I said, absolutely. This is the best place because I do sit with them. We do something called Mama School on a Saturday and I'll pick a topic, maybe a world topic as to what's going on and just sit with them for an hour

for breakfast and talk about, you know, hear what their views are i think that's really insightful but i did say to them one time because i said i don't want anyone to feel left out and i said we're like we're all of us in a boat and you get the metaphor now all of us are in a boat my job is to get us from a to b with simon and your job is to you know to to your passengers on the boat but if you rock the boat, you know, we're all going to feel it. And if you fall overboard,

we are going to grab you. End of. We are all going to get from A to B. Nobody's going to get left behind. And so whenever there's a drama or if there's something that's good that's going on, everyone's like, think of the boat, think of the boat, we're getting there.

I'm an English literature, ex-English literature student, so I love a good... But children like the visuals a bit. Yeah yeah i think it helps them to process things doesn't it um it helps him absolutely but i think as well they need to know where they're going they need to know that they belong they need to know now that we're having another baby it was it was hero my youngest who then turned around and said and they call the baby snoop because they want snoop dog or jason derulo or dolly parton irrespective of sex um and they just said that oh snoop's going to be the glue because we'll all have a part of snoop and i thought isn't that really nice to hear that

that's how they view this yeah but it's not easy it's my goodness of if anybody had told me what i was embarking on, I wouldn't have thought I would be able to do it because you have to be pretty selfless to be a parent anyway. And then to be a step-parent, you have to be even more selfless because it's not even your children that broke the cupboard or spray-painted the yard. And you need to find that love and you have to always remember

that actually it's not their fault or they never asked to be in this position but as they are you know you you actually can find that you've got extra love to give I didn't realize I could be so selfless because you know 20 years ago I was a pop star it was all about me and now it's the last person that it's all about I'm so far down the pecking order. It's ludicrous. Does it feel strange having, just contrasting your life back from what it was like then to what your responsibilities are now?

They're two different lives. But I wouldn't have it any other way. In the morning, I get three lots of girls' hair done. I do four lots of uniforms at night. You know, I take great pleasure actually ironing in all the names in the uniforms. Because again, if I'm going to do it for my children, then I think it's only fair I do it for his children.

They see that. Also, you know, to make my house, which was very much my house, my home, which is something I built with the children, with my girls, into a home for six of us you know i'm not some retail expert in london but now suddenly i'm having to right that's your bedroom losing another room uh okay i suppose we could turn this into another room and you're trying to find rooms because again you want everyone to have that space and i just think it's really important to again that's not easy you're conjuring

up rooms you're trying to find that space but it's important that everyone feels that they've got their little stamp and that they're their little area to go to as well I mean I think the weirdest thing is I lost my name so um my my nickname um which Sim calls me, has actually become the nickname that all the other children call his daughter. Oh, really? Yes. What is that? Well, I'm Leanie. Oh.

I've always been Leanie. And what has his daughter always been Leanie? Yeah, she's Leanie as well. Oh, wow. It's her nickname. We're not both called Mylene, but we've both got the same nickname. So through this, I became big leanie and i said no no no why don't i become leanie and and she can become little leanie but it never stuck and so it's either i'm either called big leanie or i'm mama so to lose

your name it's it sounds so silly but it's actually actually, you know, you identify, it's your name. Yeah. Sweet. It's time to move on to our Lessons in Love segment. So this is the part of the podcast where I ask every guest to describe one lesson they've learned through love and relationships. So, Mylene, I will not call you Big Lini, what is... I sound like I own a cafe. Come to Big Lini's cafe.

Would you like to share your lesson with us? My lesson would be a lesson I actually stole off my boyfriend but it was so it was so lovely I thought I'm gonna make it my own and he what he wants to turn around to me and he said after all the hardships that I experienced and all the heartache I would go through it all again if I knew you were waiting at the end. That is adorable. I love that. That's such a lovely, positive message. I'm too hormonal to even like have these discussions. Yeah, for those listening, Mylene is currently... Well done.

Are you eight months pregnant right now? Yes. Eight months pregnant. Highly hormonal. I can cry if I open the fridge and it's fully stocked. That makes me happy. But I actually thought that was a really lovely thing to say because I thought actually I couldn't put it better myself I would

do the same thing so I suppose it's a more um elaborate way of just saying no regrets but the idea that we would both go through the level of heartache and those disappointments and that fear if we both knew each other was at the other end. I love that. So I suppose it's just actually being hopeful. That's all we have time for this week on Millennial Love. Follow Independent Lifestyle on social media to keep up to date with what's coming up on the show.

And if you're a new listener, remember to subscribe to this series on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Acast or wherever you listen. Also, leave us a rating and comment with your thoughts on our conversation today. Until next time, thanks a lot for listening. Goodbye. Whether you're in your running era, Pilates era, or yoga era, dive into Peloton workouts that work with you.

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