Love Lives - Roxie Nafousi on manifesting the relationship you deserve

Episode Date: June 9, 2022

This week, we’re joined by Roxie Nafousi, a self-development coach, manifesting expert and author of the Sunday Times bestselling book: Manifesting: 7 steps to living your best life. She describes how manifesting actually works and why practicing it could transform your romantic life. Roxie also opens up about her own journey to manifesting, revealing how she overcame addictions and bad habits to find inner peace and unconditional love with her son, Wolfe.(LINK)Check out Millennial Love on all major podcast platforms and Independent TV, and keep up to date @Millennial_Love on Instagram and TikTok.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/millenniallove. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like, and now that's what my grandma's on. Thank God phone a friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. Hello and welcome to Millennial Love, a podcast from The Independent on everything to do with love, sexuality, identity and more. identity and more. Today I am very excited to be joined by Roxy Nafusi, self-development coach,

manifesting expert and author of the Sunday Times best-selling book Manifesting, Seven Steps to Living Your Best Life. Today we are here to talk about all things manifesting, how it works and how practicing it could actually transform your romantic life. Hi Roxy, how are you doing? Hi, I'm good thank you, how are you? I'm good thank you. So start us off by explaining what manifesting actually is and what it means. So manifesting is the ability to use the power of your mind to change and create the reality you experience. And it's something that I would say, you know, it feels magical. There's this kind of magical feeling to it

because, you know, when you get to the real grips of manifesting, you start to use it in your life, you really are able to attract anything that you want. You can make things happen that you thought may be impossible. But it's not magical at all. It's essentially just a self-development practice. And I always say that it's like manifesting

is kind of the umbrella, and self-development just falls underneath it. This is what I find really interesting, because I think when people talk about manifesting is kind of the umbrella and self-development just falls underneath it. This is what I find really interesting because I think when people talk about manifesting it kind of has this like woo-woo connotation that it's about writing down a list of everything you want and then kind of sitting and waiting for it to just happen to you which is obviously something that people are going to be like that's not going to work but that's not ever that's not at all what it is so can you explain a little bit more about the kind of self-development side of things and how I know you write in the book about energy and, you know, how changing your energy can actually make certain things happen for you just because you're more open to them. Is that right?

Well, I think you're totally right. It's basically not about just thinking about what you want, because, you know, at the moment, there's kind of big TikTok trend about manifesting and the millennials love it. Gen Z are kind of going, I'm going to manifest passing my exams. It's like you still have to fucking revive, right? You can't just like think about yourself passing and then go out to the party. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so that's kind of a yes doing a vision board being clearing your vision that's step one of my seven steps so it really is just

like the first step of manifesting and then the rest is I mean it's such a full practice but it's about taking action working hard it's about stepping outside your comfort zone, embracing gratitude, being mindful, like you say, of your energy and shifting into a high vibrational frequency. But also at the core of it, and this is the most important thing about manifesting, is that you manifest what you believe you are worthy of. And so self-love is the driving force behind manifesting. So that's what makes it such a kind of incredible practice of self-development. It's an inward journey, it's an inner healing journey,

and it really filters through into every area of your life. And can you tell us a bit about what drew you to manifesting, because I know you have a really interesting story about how you kind of got there, which you write about in the book, and how you kind of picked yourself up from this essentially rock bottom space into it how did you come across it and how how did it help you and I guess what because when you're in that space where you are so low and it feels like you can't get out I think it's really helpful for people to hear

what made you actually willing and open to try something like manifesting which was completely unfamiliar to you you know yeah so I kind of lived my 20s just addicted to cocaine and cigarettes and alcohol and I had no purpose no drive no motivation I actually used to think that I was a really like lazy person and really negative. In height now, I'm like, I can't even believe I would associate those words with myself. But I also just never knew happiness. I was so, so deeply depressed and I just hated who I was.

I hated myself. I felt I never fit in and I just thought my life would always be like that and I had many rock bottoms along the way you know lots of times where I thought like I just can't go on like this and then I think I would start to try and change or go on a health retreat or something and then I would always fall back to where I was but in in May 2018, I really was just thinking, like, there's no hope for me. And I called my friend Sophia, and I was like, I don't know what to do. Like, will I ever, ever be happy? And she said, Oh, I've just listened to this podcast on manifesting, you should listen. And I listened to this podcast and I remember

the takeaway from that podcast was that manifesting was about self-worth and I was like oh well I have no self-worth so of course I'm not manifesting anything good into my life and so I went home and I started like researching about it and reading and listening to people speak and YouTube I love YouTube for motivational videos and then two weeks later Wade messaged me on dating app called Raya on the 7th of June 2018 and then on the 7th of June 2019 our son was born wolf and then after Wolfie was, I really did go on to use manifestation to change every single area of my life. Like my life now is unrecognizable.

And I truly thank manifesting for that. I mean, now we'll talk about in the context of relationships, because I think this is probably one of the most common things that people want to manifest is, you know, whether they're single or not. It could be manifesting a healthy relationship. If you're in an unhealthy one not it could be manifesting a healthy relationship if you're in an unhealthy one it could be manifesting like a soulmate which I know you talk about a lot or manifesting unconditional love which which I guess you did with your son and that's what you write about how how does that work though because obviously I know a lot of the time when you talk about manifesting it's about imagining a very kind of specific goal but I think manifesting something like a soulmate or a partner is a little bit more broad

isn't it because you can't or is it about being specific about exactly what and working out what you're looking for in someone and and how so how does that work and how did that work for you you know did you kind of actively write down all the different things you were looking for? I think that when manifesting a soulmate or a partner, it's definitely about manifesting how you want to feel within a relationship, like how that relationship feels to you. So do you want to feel, you know, respected? Do you want to feel unconditionally loved? Do you want to feel safe? Do you want that feeling of being at home with someone? And of course, also what values that person has, because those are really important things when looking for a long term partner. So it's kind of not saying I want someone who's six

foot three and blonde and has tattoos, but saying I want someone who really enjoys travel the way that I do or whose family is really important to or who really makes me laugh you know those kind of things so I think you know really is about attracting someone into your life that can you know be the person that can give you the kind of relationship that you want. It's interesting because I think even though I know you met Wade on a dating app, I think all of that that you just spoke about is kind of the antithesis to what dating apps want us to do when we're looking for someone, isn't it? Because they want us to find those really kind of superficial details and focus on those as opposed to thinking

about the things that you would pick up on if you did meet someone in real life like connection and kind of eye contact and just a general vibe that you have with someone that you can't really get necessarily over the phone I think we kind of live in this world where we have become a little bit lazy now with our with what we look for in love and that's why i think manifesting in this context is so interesting because a lot of it is essentially just about looking inwards isn't it and kind of recognizing patterns that you know might not necessarily be the most healthy and yeah trying to move away from that it's kind of like is it like a form of self therapy in a way do a way, do you think? Yeah, definitely.

Because like I said, manifesting is all about self-worth. And I think somewhere where a lot of us lack self-worth is in feeling that we are lovable and that we deserve to be unconditionally loved. And that's why so many of us accept relationships where we're settling or we're allowing someone to treat us in a way that we just don't deserve, which no one deserves. And so I think manifesting a soulmate is for many people the hardest thing because they're having to undo years and years of, you know, these limiting beliefs that they're not worthy enough or, you know, attractive enough or lovable enough or good enough.

And that's a really hard thing to firstly also be honest with yourself about, to kind of sit there and go, yeah, I don't think I'm lovable. Also, you have to be quite vulnerable to even get to that place. And then to work on that inward journey and inner healing, it takes time and it's not something that you can do overnight. So that's why it's not just that you can do overnight so that's why it's not just you write your vision board and then they appear you have to really believe that you are worthy of that kind of love yeah definitely because that's when if you are open to it and if

you do believe in it and then it will come to you because I think there is this idea isn't there if you like you said if you don't think you deserve it you're not going to find it because even if you do find someone who could potentially be a good partner if you're in that frame of mind you could convince yourself out of it and oh yeah self-sabotage yeah self-sabotage exactly talk to me about this idea of tests from the universe because I think this is really interesting when people particularly particularly sceptical people about manifesting will say, okay, well what if I manifest a partner and then they turn out to be a massive fuckboy or they turn out to mess me around and they just leave me heartbroken,

you know. Is that an example of manifesting not working or is it an example of it kind of taking you on a longer journey no if you meet a fuckboy or whatever it's just a test from the universe you haven't manifested your person at all and I think that on any manifesting journey you're going to come across tests and the tests are the universe saying to you how worthy do you really think you are so if you go on a date with someone and you know it's amazing and you're like oh my god it was incredible this is it and then they start playing hot and cold with you that is a test it's just saying how what how much do you really respect yourself how worthy do you really think you are being treated you know the way that you should

with you know unconditional love or you know maybe not gonna love in the first date but you know what I mean and I think that this is where so many of us just fall flat because we get you know I think love and dating is such an interesting pattern and I'm kind of obsessed with I love talking about relationships and I could give you relation advice till like like all day long but when we have this first date there's this incredible feeling especially and not to be cliche but as women I think we do get totally just like you know when a guy is really nice to us saying all the right things and then as soon as they start playing hot and cold, we have this kind of thing that we're holding on to that becomes

addictive. And so when they start going off, we're still craving that high. So we're waiting for the high to come back. And it's the exact same cycle as addiction. And I always hear people going, oh, but they were so nice in the beginning it's like of course they were they're supposed to be nice in the beginning they're always gonna be nice in the beginning but it's not about how they were it's about how are they treating you right now like today and I think that the more quickly we can set our own boundaries and more than set them honor them the more able we are to pass

these tests and to go on to meet the person who is right for us. So I always say to anyone, if you're casually dating someone who's constantly hot and cold with you and you're stringing it out for whatever reason, you are blocking your person coming into your life. You have to let them go and walk away because it's not serving you or them yeah it's so difficult though isn't it because it is like you say it is an addiction and I think when you're in the thick of it you you do have to essentially wean yourself off that person don't you and and it and it it does ultimately boil down to a lack of self-respect doesn't it because in order to persist with that you must think on some level that that is all you deserve.

Yeah, it's that and it's this, it's just like this dreamy hope that somehow it's going to magically change. But I don't, look, there are certain circumstances where people maybe have gone like the other person after being hot and cold, people maybe have gone like the other person after being hot and cold maybe has gone on some incredible self-healing journey and they've come to a place where they realize that well they want to be with you but more often than not they're never going to get to that place and once I mean my sister always used to tell me if you want to know how someone's going to teach you in the in the future look at how they treated you in the past and it's so true and cycles really do repeat themselves unless two people are fully committed to like open communication inner work inner healing together and separately

um i don't think it happens that often and so if it's not working acceptance is key Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture. But when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle.

I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no, that's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their

podcasts everywhere. Acast.com I know that you used to describe yourself as a love addict, which I'm guessing is sort of tapping into that kind of behavior and being drawn to those kind of people who do kind of mess you around a little bit because you just are kind of enthralled to it. How do you think manifesting and that practice has kind of moved you away from that? Well, I was a love addict in a different way, actually, that I would like. I just love the intensity of the beginning.

And then I can switch off quite quickly. So it's not so much. So, yeah, it's it's a weird one. Me and love. I also I just love the high. I think I'm an addict at heart. And so I will always be drawn to that high but I definitely feel like I've grown out of that but I think I didn't grow up

seeing a healthy relationship or I've not grown up watching love and so you know that of course impacted me and how I would, the kind of relationships I attracted into my life. But I also feel like maybe I don't have a conventional view on relationships. For me, I really believe in like manifesting soulmates, but I also believe that you can have multiple soulmates throughout your life. mates but I also believe that you can have multiple soul mates throughout your life and for me personally the idea of one person forever isn't something that like really excites me I'm not like wow that's really what I want from for my life yeah and that's fine because not everybody has to have the same path but for me that isn't that isn't the most important thing to me.

Actually I think that each relationship you have in life shows you a completely different world and a different side of yourself. And it's, so yeah, for me, who knows, never say never, but I'm not, that's not what gets me going. I love that because I think that's a very honest and also just realistic way of looking at it. Because and also it makes for much healthier breakups from people because you don't have to have this massive like low of like, oh, my God, I've lost the person I was meant to be with forever. You can just appreciate that relationship kind of for what it was and what it taught you and it's just a much much better way to to deal with that

psychologically and how did you how did you get to that realization and and because I know you you were in a relationship when you were quite young with a much older guy right which I can imagine was was not like you weren't at that place at that point no then I was really like this is my person forever I was like so obsessed so in love I was like resorted and so that breakup took me years to recover from and I think then I thought oh god I'm never gonna go through this pain again um and then after that I don't think I've ever, I've had lots, not lots, I've had a couple of long-term relationships since then. They have both offered me different things

and I'm still friends with every one of my exes. So good. Like every one of them, apart from that one. Right. Because I don't think breakups have to be sad things. I think that they can, you know, every ending is a new beginning. I think that people that you've been with romantically

know you in such an intimate way and they can actually be the best of friends. And how do you deal with, like, if people, because I think if people read your story and they think, okay, so she's talking about manifesting unconditional love and she's got this son and she's got this partner but now she's broken up with that partner how can you because I understand why that's all part of the journey and what that teaches you but to people looking at that thinking oh well this manifesting stuff obviously doesn't work yeah

what what do you say to them so I'm so glad you asked me this I've been wanting to answer it for ages and not knowing kind of how because I feel like I can't write it in text and express it how I want to. I think that firstly, I would say that imagine that you wanted to manifest a house. OK, would you then expect that person to live in that new house for the rest of their entire lives? Otherwise, you would tell them that manifesting didn't work or if you manifested a promotion would they have to be in that job forever otherwise manifesting didn't work so I think that's kind of the first thing and secondly good point I wanted to manifest unconditional love and first I found that I have that

with my son like he is he is also one of my soulmates like Wolf is 100% a soulmate and I say in the book that me and Wade are stronger than ever and we are we may not be together romantically but we are best friends we live five minutes away from each other and I absolutely mean it when I say that Wade is the best thing that ever happened to me I would never ever have been able to build my career or be the person I am without him and all of his wisdom and all of his knowledge and all of his support and 100% he's a gift from the universe so So, yeah, it doesn't make me doubt manifesting in the slightest.

It only strengthened my belief in it. And like I said, for me, I've never wanted... At this point in my life, I have never desired, and it's not my desire currently to meet one person forever. I really rate that. I think that's a really, really healthy approach. I think we could avoid so much sort of, A, I don't think we would stay in toxic relationships for longer than we should, which so many people do, don't they? Because they don't want to risk the drama of the breakup and go through the trauma of it and they think they don't want to risk the drama of the breakup

and go through the trauma of it and they think it's just easier to stay unhappy and like this is what I should be in and you feel kind of trapped in these bad relationships yeah yeah and because society doesn't really tell us that exactly what you just said that it's okay that some people are meant to come into your life for a period of time teach you something and then move on and then you go and be with someone else. Yeah, I like that a lot. I think every relationship can teach us so much,

and it does change us, and I think that also, that feeling of being in love is incredible. Like, it's the best feeling, and so if you got to experience that with someone, you also have so much to be thankful for, you know, just because it doesn't last forever it doesn't mean it wasn't great it's like when you have a an ice cream when you finish you're not like fuck what it yeah it was why did I bother you know like that stupid ice cream or maybe you are but you know you're like hey at the time

I was eating that ice cream I really enjoyed that that was great or the same like going on holiday you know you come back you don't wish you'd never been yeah because you're sad to be home you're like no that was an amazing experience I'm going to hold on to those memories forever yeah tell me a little bit about wolf because I think the way that you've spoken about motherhood and your kind of initial ambivalence to it is also really interesting and helpful to a lot of a lot of you know mothers new mothers unexpected months because you got pregnant what after 12 weeks of meeting Wade right yeah so how did you because obviously you know you wanted that kind of love in your life and you know I presume you did want

children but then it kind of came to you in that way how did you deal with the unexpectedness of it and how did you get to a place where you knew that this was something you wanted and you kind of welcomed it into your life? Well I didn't deal with it well at all actually. I was, you know, it was awful. I was really, really upset when I found out. And of course there's that thing of, there's a lot of shame around being upset about being pregnant because you also don't want to feel seem ungrateful because you know that it's not

easy for so many women um and but I never ever ever for a second doubted I was gonna like have Wolfie and have a child with Wade I knew that Wade would be the best dad in the world, and he is. Like, I couldn't dream of a better father for my children. He's so amazing. But I was still in, you know, I still was in the midst of addiction. And so I was suddenly having a baby with someone that really I didn't know. Neither of us really had any money you know being a kind of someone that was a bit not that into long-term forever

commitment I was still in that mindset of oh my god if I have a baby with someone does that mean I have to be with them forever and what I changed my mind and you know there was that panic and and with that panic I didn't have my crutches of cocaine alcohol cigarettes you know, there was that panic. And with that panic, I didn't have my crutches of cocaine, alcohol, cigarettes. You know, I had to give up suddenly. And so, yeah, I was just not prepared. I wasn't ready. And my hormones definitely played a part.

And I suffered from very, very severe prenatal depression. And, I mean, I've spoken about this before. very very severe prenatal depression and I mean I've spoken about this before but you know I did those nine months were like really hell for me like a mental prison the pain and the sadness every single day was incredibly overwhelming and you know wow to Wade because he didn't know anyone in England and I was at my lowest ebb and he just was my rock throughout so yeah it was a really tough pregnancy but I kept visualizing what I would want my life to be like afterwards. And I think from that, you know, of all the pain that I grew up knowing, and all the years of addiction,

and those, that shame and regret, nothing came close to how low I was in pregnancy. Like, I can't, it's so strange, but it was just such a dark time for me. But I vowed to never ever feel that low again and I would make my life the best it was gonna be I was gonna make a career for myself I was gonna you know make my son proud I was gonna be happy I was gonna be the best version of myself that existed and I did that and the minute wolf was born

I was like this is it and I just put all my drive and will into that I mean it's an incredible thing that you're talking about it because it's really not something that I've ever heard spoken about in any depth at all you know postnatal depression a lot of people do talk about that now but I think because there is this idea that when you are pregnant you're supposed to be the happiest you've ever been you know I mean also after you've had the baby but pregnancy there's all these kind of stereotypes of like look at your glowing skin look at your amazing hair look at your beautiful bump and you're so happy and you can't wait to have this baby but so I imagine the kind of the shame from that and the stigma for not feeling that

makes it all the more isolating. Well I remember a friend of mine well she's not really a friend now but she'd been a really close friend for a long time and I remember finding out that she'd just been so like she'd just been going around gossiping about how awful it was that I was complaining and I wasn't happy um and I understand I mean fair like I'm not expecting everyone to get it. But it was really hurtful. And I think it made me feel even worse. Yeah, don't blame me. Because there was this, oh God, like, should I, I should feel happy.

But no one should feel anything. You just have to honour how you are feeling. Yeah. And so when Wolf was born, was it from, was it, was it immediately from that moment moment that your mindset changed or did it take a bit of time to get there? I found it really hard to connect with Wolf at the beginning because I was still in so much self-loathing and I just I just hated myself so much. And I still felt lost. I felt more hopeful because I felt like I was a bit in control of my body again and I could like you know I wasn't just waiting for this labor you know I was like I was gonna I was in the next chapter of my

life so there was some hope that came with that. But it took a couple of months but then there was something just clicked to kind of form four months it was like and then everything happened very quickly from then that's a really lovely note to end on and that brings me to our lessons in love segment which we do in every episode of the show and where every guest just shares something that they have learned from their previous relationship experiences and I feel like again I say this every episode because I feel like the entire episode it's like we've done lesson after lesson after lesson but if you can just pick one

thing um that you've learned what would that be I think it would be um to remove all expectation of a relationship and um the person that you're with and I I don't mean the basics, which is you should expect to be treated with respect and you should expect to be loved. But you shouldn't expect him or her to have done this really romantic gesture when you got a new job. If you didn't say that you wanted that, you shouldn't expect them to have the same love language as you. You shouldn't expect them to do anything really at all unless you express yourself. And this communication and this openness, I think, is key because it doesn't matter how in love someone is with you or how in love you are with them. They don't know what you're thinking.

And so just constantly keeping an open dialogue allowing yourself to be vulnerable I just think is integral to a healthy relationship yeah that's such a good one and I think just reminding yourself that you're not in a rom-com and your partner is not just gonna magically give you everything you want and you know make you the exact dinner that you want when you come home after a horrible day at work and then you know that's just it's unless you tell them that's what you want and yeah it might not be as magical and it might be a little bit less sexy but that is just the reality of our world exactly

people can't read our mind and also one person doesn't have to be your everything like they don't have to be the person that like you know is your best friend and the person that goes shopping with you and the person that goes to dinner with you and the person that has a night out with you and the person you talk to about work and the person that you talk to about your family like not one person doesn't have to be everything and I think sometimes we expect our kind of soulmates or our romantic partners to be to kind of provide us with everything that we could have in a relationship but that's why we have friends and family and you know and I think that just takes the pressure for

relationship a bit yeah and knowing who to go to for each thing and then again it's about managing expectations I suppose isn't it because it's about not relying on your partner and putting all that pressure on them because they're only going to disappoint you because people people aren't super humans exactly that's all we've got time for honestly thank you so much it's been so nice to chat to you thank you and thank you so much for listening if you have enjoyed this episode of millennial love you can subscribe to us on apple podcasts acast spotify or wherever else it is that you get your podcasts please do leave us a rating and subscribe too so that more people can find us if you are more of a visuals person you can watch the show on independent tv and you can keep up to date with everything to do

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